WYIL Ch 5
by DishaI moved my feet, 9e7280a669 swallowing a sigh that 2a3bf3c411 was about to leak 2c179956cf out.7d0e370a77e17968
Wherever my eyes 8a301329e3 touched, the splendidly d8c417db08 blooming flowers could f3be18a4a5 be seen.e683c71afbf41028
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I came here ab29658b1f thinking that seeing 818dad50d5 the beautiful scenery d4814d5ce6 would make me b4d6dfa994 feel better, but c4aa950ea3 I regretted it.19382a4b9c62b32c
[Do you like it, madam?]
I thought of Aslan 469f48db1f again.233a5d59dbdb296a
Aslan, who planted my favorite flowers and decorated the garden for me, who wasn’t able to adapt to this place.643d55422dfb9c7c
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[Do you like flowers?]
One day while f608095221 preparing for our fc5ddd0de1 wedding, he asked.d9369e892a37f285
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[Yes. I like them.]
Embarrassed by his 996e5e223c sudden question, I 049834ac39 answered vaguely. I was wondering cf8de0ae2c why he asked bd357a523a me this all e86d31674a of a sudden.50b9f61aacae6845
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The question 4ffcf179e1 that followed a0ae8f96a9 was even 2f20dc56d1 more embarrassing.12bfe49671cb9fbb
[What kind of flowers do you like?]
Were we 05de7c7591 in a 044110d372 relationship to de29bdb0d6 have this eac439a4d4 little chat?8422be41617c105d
‘I don’t 4669af0290 think so.’c780cef2ae1407b8
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Although the process was bc5fb8107c a little different, it 129ec0a2ef seemed that we will cd5272de42 soon become a couple db05ff4e7f anyway.b409856a3cac96e4
I guessed 829907cf52 that he 4dcb949eef must have 41ac7a3059 chosen such b2175ece62 a trifling 55b7ea06d4 topic on 3fffc2f1ab purpose to af041cf4e6 ease our 9948ebb599 awkwardness.e7af21eca04fef01
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So I 2bb2f2749e wanted to 848ee6ddd8 reply with 5e5936b653 all my 14d4dc917f heart.fa545365ec7c3bde
[I…]
I knew exactly what d34820f386 Helena liked and disliked.884f6e6a02245ad9
However, I couldn’t remember what the ‘real me’ liked.00e0e2a68a11e8cc
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‘Shall I just tell Helena’s favorite flower to him?’23c2ec253b889430
Why am I struggling to tell him what I really like, instead of telling Helena’s favorite flower?8017b5d236b4883b
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Of course f29c3f4f04 I knew 648a1ab7d6 why.de903177eb406328
Because Aslan is the c5d440cae4 only one who helped 4b8c6fa329 me. So I wanted 9082b88ff5 to show him c3fe448e0c my true feelings.6a6e8fabc3d7d9e4
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Even if the whole 827eb01742 world knows me as 826877ad79 Helena, and I cannot a02bf75e40 live as myself until d1a49b7c82 I die.1e2390f8f7c27d9b
In Aslan’s memory, I wanted to remain as ‘me’.2b57c38f64a41fdc
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I wanted cb5150de57 to do f0cde3b396 it even a9709de1c7 though I ce204f69a0 knew it 6131419ddf was greed.6d2df451ea54d0f1
So, after thinking cd41b849e2 for a while, 0f99e686a5 I answered.49f6c63c9c1673d6
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[…… All, all flowers look good to me.]
It was 3b92083823 such a 5a54bfdbc4 pathetic answer 6fd0a20103 that it 1397915b36 was a b3192b4691 waste of 2f183ffc02 time to 0d6fcd08ff procrastinate.1cb7f33ccc974998
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I glanced at 62011b9a9f Aslan, who waited 54a1580712 patiently. I could see him c61733d3d2 thinking about something with 486d364cc3 a serious face, erasing d8b2422b0e his usual smile.78d8b1218e4e6d08
Is he offended?b6cf1936f3db9555
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I was worried that 222a073ef6 I might have offended a986e901e7 him because he thought 0594f93644 I had given him fe0116a6c1 an insincere answer.94f8f18e8e8ef7cd
Contrary to my trembling 4ea5f0ae25 heart, the silence lasted 4df9c2bdd0 longer. Then he 4acc96e4d4 finally opened 86d29d4b15 his mouth.e34638042b9be820
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[I see.]
That was 16b406ca1b the end.de2f61e40489b42d
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Since we cd83b6b4dc didnt talk c295655fa8 about flowers 00bed46817 after that, dbd29cabc1 I thought 93170aec10 he must 9ccaea5952 have been 1c969eb18e disappointed with ddf597b422 me.f7d434feebb80c07
Even I was disappointed in myself, but I can’t say that.015c2c0d0d4d2ff1
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I don’t even have the skills to talk. How can I be so lacking?8e0e5b53ae15d43e
As I reproached myself, I thought I’d quickly forget the brief conversation I had with him as we strolled through the garden.d5f865c172159239
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I thought I was 83df07510a the only one who 634bade247 wanted to know and abe03bc17f remember all the little 4eedd4e986 things about him, and d85f09765c I would remember these 1bc59ab63a trivial chatter for a fa1dc94cbf long time to come.26176f137e8a5d4c
But then.c24038f8619779af
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[This is a gift.]
[A gift?.. … .]
[This garden.]
[Yes?]
[It’s all yours. I tried decorating it first, but if you don’t like it, you can change it as you like.]
Aslan, who called me 7fb55b9c77 to say something, suddenly e8594adea3 gave me an unexpected 65f4910e7a gift.34f224ca7fad19a3
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I didn’t do anything to deserve a gift from him.1a7b56646983c656
And it wasn’t even a special day.ed83d8a3fe84dff0
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[Suddenly,a gift? …]
[It’s a wedding gift]
It was more e45ec1bb2a embarrassing.46cf35163b13463c
What do you mean a wedding gift? Isn’t that something that only happens between couples who really love each other?aa791c8d2040f728
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There was no love ba245eb673 in our marriage.6478ca7a7cb82e48
If I had to 0eef3f31fb pick up the feelings 78d445cb43 that came and went 9c23f59c71 between us, it would 59cc2b0b94 have been desperation and 2e2b2c8793 sympathy.d9dcc0bfeda73b70
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But why 5777fb2c2a is he.16755a2f71fdbff0
[It will be difficult to live in an unfamiliar place, so you can come here when you have something to put your mind to.]
[…..….]
[What do you think? Do you like it?]
I couldn’t say anything. My lips were dry and my chest tightened.b6dbcc4362ef49ed
His kindness pierced 4f50a1e210 my heart painfully.78dd8f5d259f8d37
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The emotions I ac6f8e447b had been trying 3c85bb545a to deny swept 8049681aa4 over me because b817bebdd7 I knew the daf0396d78 end would only e23a52c18c bring me despair. There was bc750ca43e no stopping ba19560301 it any cc1babd0d7 more.4f8831dbda69662a
The moment I 8d1dcb138c realized how I 9c1d687c6a felt about him ad2d844243 is still vivid.2424d8bd4f929690
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Thinking of that moment 4c641fe703 makes me want to 40af0501fa cry.bc8b586fe4b3003e
Because I knew that it would be painful and difficult to cherish the feelings that I can’t get back.a51f539c9bf81406
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“You look like a fool.”b88a30920e01b088
I can’t believe you’re out for a change and you’re feeling even more depressed.4c2f979bf32eec13
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I looked ca24cc3943 at the 64558e082d flower bed 7b0174f240 I had c59a750640 picked and 10281c1ea6 cultivated myself.ef1054d47bba207e
Staring blankly 24ddb3b156 at the fa126e80d8 spacious garden bc1d87b30e reminded me b9e71777bb of memories 3ae36d7257 accumulated here.b335c1307206c325
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[Now that this is also your home, you can decorate and change it however you like.]
It was all memories 4693e57bc5 with Aslan.b8be4ef19c9c8a42
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Although he was busy 165d8ab130 with work, he often 45e1da1e62 found time to be 39b3f01eec with me.af7fbe89b20839de
We used to go a421050b90 out to eat, watch c25f9799df a show, or go 29cdbb5007 shopping.f24d10eff3873928
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But most b632ea0e62 of the 576d6c9259 time was ad5cf238e8 spent inside 1f49f464c7 the mansion.f900140281899f20
It must caec653ed6 have been 1377862ffb because he 7da4fbf66a knew that cfad7da47e I was 964aa88fd8 reluctant to c5ef28090d go to 4e12557987 crowded places.26d261c44737ff0b
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Perhaps because he was considerate of me, he didn’t meet people whenever he was with me.7ae616e4b6fdbcce
We walked a8edcf0b61 through the c8c1c7b378 garden alone, 43e0ed7e39 drank tea, 81d8603221 and chatted.4bc139964b1b781b
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[Isn’t that an insect bite? It’s dangerous… … !]
Aslan said that his a502d5cbf2 wrist was itching, so 8674d3491c I grabbed his hand a13a18d6fe and looked at the 33ffdbd32b red spots with a 67ed21a956 frown.38f85f7e4daaeed2
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[I didn’t know the flowers were this beautiful. Thanks to you, I got to learn something new.]
Aslan, who b5c2663c5b was muttering c7788e5945 in an f233ca453e interesting voice 93e682ade4 and alternating 02b3619cb3 between flowers 3278627e00 and me.d1df2df61e690459
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[Aren’t you tired? Please lean on me.]
Tuk-tuk, Aslan patted my bfa20526f5 shoulder and laughed playfully.6ccbeedacd971895
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As I recall, 6fff792446 a smile came ac7dabca6d to my lips.43785e2ea0f2c511
It was a quiet and peaceful time. There wasn’t much fuss and glamor, but that alone was enough to make me happy.3d4b74ec2d2e1799
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… … 41ed1d7e8d Was he 89ca4afc3f of the 2ca4bad7d0 same mind?8e1f4368920bd2f9
I liked the silence 57de70e040 that fell in the 04ca0041c8 space with him, but 0eb46019ea maybe he thought it f8c496d13b was boring.3e239111b739da31
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I wasn’t very talkative in the first place, and I had secrets that I had to hide.55c84279930b05eb
It had become a habit to be careful all the time, so I couldn’t talk for a long time even when I was talking with him alone.3c0debb7dd9ebce5
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Even when Aslan came to speak, I couldn’t answer for a long time, and I responded briefly while he was blunt, so he might have thought it was not worth paying attention.b349155bba7cc12f
‘Well. I don’t know. What did he think?’a73820485135484a
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Aslan was not an e1d15c0e23 easy-going person.cb6203cc9d99832f
He is kind, 9d5d20d365 sweet and gentle.19b4d73e82549666
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At times, it felt as if his character had drawn a line ,so I can’t come any closer.47b75e81474dd588
Aslan’s face, which always had a gentle smile, didn’t show his inside feelings. It was hard to guess what he was thinking right now, even if I was observing closely.91f40559d03c5422
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The person 45eed097c1 who treats 3fddd9fcad me kindly 320a054fcc may actually 630d5c9848 hate me.5b45e182c609d0cf
Maybe it’s because I’m annoying and he don’t like it, but also can’t take care of it.c3391124f4ab9e01
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That fear was 20b6832218 always there in cd6a09d40e my heart.693c78e3c4faaedd
‘What will 3e1665efe2 he think b23992a672 of me?’4340f07d084d31cd
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Maybe he regrets showing 04736af1d3 some sympathy.168700ad3aabb3d8
Or would he still 8caa9f24c8 think that having a e2958ec91b woman like me as ad717b12d1 his wife makes it 8fd629732b less troublesome?05e554b143440b87
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It’s better to be the latter if possible… … .8e8a73293c913b0f
‘……again. I’m thinking about Aslan again.’8796a2dca62ead59
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I let 0c007535a9 out a 26c38f9260 deep sigh.3c3af88ea31a7a28
Whatever I 52e4272c1f thought, the a0eab1ea14 end was 2bd359181d always Aslan.54f3cf81c66d228c
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I didn’t want to do this, but I was very scared of emotions. Especially the feeling of love.cd0aa81c45fa15f1
Love made 697f7cc543 me a ab5737f03b complete stranger. It completely bfe06cf4d2 changed me 7dad45356f to the 8ecd48cd57 point where 99ca4121d4 I vaguely cd32ebd37e remember what 458dc9a3ef I was d419237d6b like before.6ba546f370c92924
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A woman who is 5a05823680 crazy about a man 209fb28c10 and thinks about him a2fe56295e all day long, and 2da44309bd feels up and down 87dfc171c9 dozens of times thinking 2873c85750 about him.70d784348af71a43
“Let’s go in now. If I stay here, I’ll keep doing this.”6be033d92ee0a2f6
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Mumbling like that, 9704e8e494 I walked slowly.fe242a23a35f5bd4
The Tordell 62b363f693 mansion, which 88163f6083 I had 427b48deac become accustomed 23905f5e06 to for 4cbede5aa8 three years, 3ee7c37dc2 was getting bed32f3635 closer and fb41f98138 closer.3469a6730eae77f3
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‘……I shouldn’t get used to it.’fe8f312ba99c7e2f
I was 27cccdc5aa always prepared 587f505030 to leave.16461fdec4cd018f
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I constantly recalled that 5344d61240 my role was just a88fa7f3db an extra who stayed 11e920bd83 here for a while.d733a2b724cece5b
So I didn’t have any affection for this place. In people, in things, in places.a3dc4b44a23dce4b
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……so that 4743bb289f I can 22c60bdb80 always leave 868be474b5 without putting 01b09bb618 a load abbc03b749 on my d7faef4d50 mind.4bf31f1aefda9121
Of course it wasn’t easy.81b63ce876ba7096
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This was 6f8d72559a my refuge.669e8cb8105d5146
It was 8c1d019fc0 like, a 9836f185c1 place where d550335bde I could 799221950a escape from ccaf8d8a5c the Larestine 50692f7a7d mansion that a5b1b64ce9 forced me 28520fa475 to live 1263d7f225 as Helena db87f1e4ea Larestine.07e5526a418786e8
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(TN : Here 0c4ac73738 she is talking f88c6bf1d7 about how she aef11692f3 has been put 99f7333e5e in the role 08176e837b of Helena and b86ab25879 not being able d61f6ef848 to live as 88d5637e74 her past life bd384fbefe self.)6dafea7fc0d65929
The calmness d94d2b8b3b that I 8baa91fde9 had tasted 43f023e226 for the a4cc266623 first time 91a191110f in ten f4a4d4e10a years broke 41848144e7 me down.dbe841e560c507a4
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If I were here, c66287422a I thought I would fbe2036596 be able to live 2909b5782d a normal life just de0bf83db6 like everyone else.5b28ac391c125cee
Above all, Aslan.02321ee9e31b05b9
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My nominal husband aba6783630 felt like he 54c82edd86 was really mine.eb4c77814a6cf0a9
Being called Duchess Tordell, I’m known everywhere as his wife.881464f3cf304a5d
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It was different from b1ae582b8a reality, even if it c856fd9adf is just an illusion f9e1e3f910 for people. It was nice 0178ff4048 to be tied b27956f9a3 to him.09b3aefdbb7007e8
I knew I shouldn’t, but I became greedy.3d3f6ecf0d898607
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At that time, I be5d57ca91 thought, maybe I was 17353ae3d4 having a vain delusion.dc31caa27387c90d
So, it may be 86b82654c3 my delusion that this 990db2db1f world is all in 71d8c0ea07 the novel I read e7b8aef13a in my previous life.f6ec0028faeb2b14
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Such a vivid 94ac39ac3f reality cannot be 05a83f515f just a world 9b6d886efe in a book.ffe1e10a5b383df5