WBWB | Chapter 44

“…”

My blood ran cold.

‘Mistress?’

What had I been hoping for? To become the mistress of the ducal household? No. I wasn’t a princess or even a Duke’s daughter; I wasn’t worthy of marrying him. That’s why I had tried so hard to suppress, to hide, to extinguish these burning feelings. He was someone I could never have.

But even so… I didn’t want to be his mistress. That would bring shame not only to me but also to my family. I might be a fallen noblewoman, but I was still a daughter of the Toulouse family.

‘He’s asking me to be his mistress?’

A mistress was a woman who satisfied a man’s desires while officially remaining “invisible.” Unlike a wife, a legal spouse, a mistress held no official status, surviving solely on the man’s affection, existing solely for his convenience.

I knew what a mistress was, what her role entailed. Duchess Ventadour, my former employer, had been one. A mistress had to compete with rivals for the man’s affection, live in constant fear of losing that affection, bear his children, and even if those children were intelligent and earned their father’s recognition, they would still be objects of scorn.

‘I see. He’s no different.’

A cold wave washed over the burning in my heart, extinguishing it, and I said, “I appreciate the offer, but I have no intention of becoming Your Grace’s mistress.”

He looked taken aback, as if he hadn’t expected me to refuse. A moment of silence followed.

“If you become mine, I’ll grant you the status and allowance of the mistress of the ducal household. And if you wish…”

“Your Grace, I’m not fit to be the mistress of this household.”

I flatly refused his offer.

“I’ll remain as Miss’s tutor, Your Grace.”

Confessing my feelings while rejecting him would only make me seem pathetic. What good would come from telling him that I also cared for him, but that even in my current state, as a fallen noblewoman in exile, I couldn’t tarnish my family’s honor and my own morals? It might even be misinterpreted as bargaining.

His expression twisted with disappointment and dejection, and the previously warm atmosphere turned icy. His eyes then flared with anger at being rejected.

“Do you truly understand what you’ve just refused?”

He asked.

“Yes, I do.”

I replied.

“Then there’s no need for further explanation.”

His tone was as cold as a blizzard.

“You won’t regret this? Throwing away the chance to go from a prisoner to the mistress of the ducal household? What do you intend to do when Ana comes of age?”

His gaze was sharp and accusatory.

“Haven’t you forgotten that everything you wear and eat is provided by my goodwill?”

It was a blatant threat. His words made me sigh rather than fear.

‘Who have I fallen in love with?’

“I haven’t forgotten, but that doesn’t mean I should become Your Grace’s mistress.”

Was this the same man who had given me my grandfather’s book? If he hadn’t offered me the position of mistress, if he had simply asked for my love, I would have been blinded by the immediate gratification and wouldn’t have thought about the consequences. I hadn’t desired marriage with him anyway.

“I see. I understand your feelings.”

The Duke brushed past me. I watched him ride away, and only after a long time did I mount Brulee.

But as I returned to my room, reality hit me, and my body trembled, cold sweat trickling down my back.

‘What have I done?’

Duke Skadi was a powerful man who held my life in his hands. Could I even protest if he suddenly dismissed me from my position and sent me to build fortifications in some remote corner of the duchy, or even to the dungeons? My life here was as insignificant as a bird’s, a rat’s, a fly’s.

‘And I refused his offer to become his mistress, just because he showed me some kindness?’

If he had made the same offer shortly after my arrival, would I have been able to refuse so coldly?

I wouldn’t have. The thought of his humiliated expression made my blood run cold.

‘My audacity knows no bounds.’

Come to think of it, it was supposed to be a Friday, our usual dinner night, but naturally, no maid came to summon me.

For weeks, I trembled, waiting for his judgment. But nothing happened. Absolutely nothing, as if that day had been a dream.

‘Was it… just a casual offer for him?’

Come to think of it, he hadn’t even said he loved me. He had simply asked me to be his mistress.

‘Was he just testing the waters? Because I’m a… relatively intelligent woman here?’

Would things have been different if he had said he loved me? I shook my head.

‘I shouldn’t dwell on what didn’t happen.’

Perhaps it wasn’t a big deal. Just like other men at court, perhaps he had made a casual offer and moved on when rejected.

The only change was that our weekly Friday dinners ceased, and the maids resumed bringing my meals to my room, like any other day.

* * *

After being rejected, Baldr de Skadi was far from alright.

He hadn’t anticipated her refusal. Because his offer had been… nothing but advantageous for her.

‘Did she dislike me that much? Enough to refuse such an advantageous offer?’

What better offer could a fallen noblewoman in exile possibly receive?

But she had refused, as if she had never seen him as a man. Jeanne had chosen to remain a tutor rather than become his mistress, and Baldr was consumed by a terrible sense of humiliation, unlike anything he had ever experienced.

‘Knowing who I am?’

Jeanne was an exile in his duchy, and he was the Duke. He could send her to the most dreadful place with a single word, or take her without her consent. No one would blame him if he locked her in his bedroom and did everything he had dreamt of. In fact, he had been briefly consumed by a dark impulse after her rejection.

‘Then she’ll learn. That my offer wasn’t a request, but an order.’

But Baldr had managed to suppress that near-madness because he knew the fate of a man who forced himself to love someone who didn’t love him back. His father, the previous Duke of Skadi.

‘I don’t want to end up like my father.’

Baldr instinctively knew that if he forced himself on her, he would only want her more. That he would want more than just her body. So, he tried to downplay Jeanne’s significance.

‘If she doesn’t want me, I don’t need her.’

It wasn’t that he couldn’t have her, but that he wouldn’t.

‘I misjudged her. I don’t want a foolish woman who doesn’t know her place.’

Even now, he was bewildered. What woman in her right mind would refuse the chance to become the mistress of the ducal household, even unofficially?

Especially an exile who couldn’t even leave Skadi. If she had accepted his offer, she could have exchanged letters with her family whenever she pleased, even invited them to live here. And if she wished, she could have lived a life of luxury and comfort, making her forget she was even an exile.

‘Should I have mentioned that?’

The thought crossed his mind, but Baldr shook his head. Jeanne wasn’t a fool; she must have known that. But then, the question remained. Why had she refused his offer? What possible reason could she have for rejecting such advantages?

‘Even if she doesn’t like me, surely I’m not… that repulsive? Not even worth considering? Why? Am I really that undesirable?’