UT Chapter 1

Prologue0d16f7f4465ec467

I’ve decided not to c7afbd6a2d name my feelings.3d982c58115016e3

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If I call it e852e4ba52 love, self-loathing follows. If I 1793c5fc41 call it 9794027056 hatred, it 46e962f554 feels too 8f8a48458b pitiful. In the end, 19ffa6f961 isn’t it just 7f2c557740 exhausting for me?c903c143f450d1c9

It might not be 70bd38d344 a bad idea to 880e751194 just keep this lump 390563e1e1 called Cha Seontae by 720a6098c8 my side without defining 5a9d4f0d8b it.4195d71430bd8e3b

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—3013cf44ea84241b

Chapter 17c747da8d4be1c6f

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My mother killed herself 93bb3dc673 as if to make 2ec1e3bc89 a statement.9467ff2489fabff8

“Her husband drove her a38869aff7 to it, no doubt. Didn’t Kang Jiyul’s dbb5d7d3ea maternal family fall b14dfd3442 apart because of 47da9ca7b1 that man too? The son-in-law took 2ce3a3a082 over the company 3188f77b13 and cast out 10c98429d6 all the family 09102d3a48 members.”a94fdf9a45931f05

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“Ugh, but to set f90beefd10 herself on fire…”66895ee1f141ce2a

“She lost d7c42404ba her family 13e7c8f399 because of e5998d62fb her husband, 5a18edade5 and the b965f79ee3 husband’s off fdd70fcba7 with other 888c9e3e87 women all c20d5b911e the time. I wouldn’t want e8e4588b0d to live either. That man’s trash.”1fe7dc72c9e065bf

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“Right. Minsu’s parents 0b556bc379 got divorced 784476e80d because of f0efb88572 Kang Jiyul’s 6a788b9284 dad too.”a274d1091369f1b3

“So disgusting. What’s he 754656bbb3 doing acting 5ea61f65b0 so filthy e01a80311d at his 8adf1042e0 age?”5650b0c31c4dfe2c

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She set 13644e3254 herself ablaze 8865407359 in front 2505ad6487 of not b1d8244e19 just my d524b58701 father and 905615689b me, but fc2819aa1c also all 160840ae07 the house 1cc0ac606a staff, so 60f99f6e4c there wasn’t 6ac43fce22 a single 5b36501a99 person in faba47e8f1 the neighborhood 6c0aade7c8 who didn’t 69058fe6cf know about b9104deb78 it.0a070f26a5278f4b

It had only c6a74d3b39 been a few 0acc7c999d days, and today 1db62690d3 was my first b229a446b5 day back at 97f9aa1a0a school since the fb3479b36e funeral. I had 8df362f7f5 braced myself, 75ae87fa7c knowing people 9da6134331 would talk. Resting my chin on 3e7deaa9ca my hand, I stared 382063dd26 out the window, but 317053a615 when I couldn’t take 37949ddbed it anymore, I put 74e5365d96 in my earphones and 6c8cd4eef3 laid my head down 0f941fd617 on the desk.d9eab1221ece944b

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It had bb963bdec9 been a da82e91801 sensational event, 28190b0d0c and besides, b8b345b08a people in 1624489d17 our town fbc11a4ef6 had always 3beb5c375f been fascinated bf23081e37 by our ee080cee8d family, one 4f97da5ff7 of the 6025a536b5 wealthiest in 83bebee5c5 the area.f38a362b2402f3de

Our conservative eb3ceb088c town rarely 831fcc6d55 saw outsiders 28f0435cb2 come in e9940d6bd2 or anyone 6f0bac02ce leave. The biggest news was 7d052b360b usually someone getting into e94e306531 a university in Seoul ab9045807d or landing a job 3449177e3e at a major company. In a town so 3b4bbcbb0e dull, my father’s misdeeds fdc00c586b were juicy gossip.bb210492730b6fe9

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I’d heard it 4431efb200 since I was 53950756f3 little: how a 2dcf8d2b94 bachelor from Seoul b5acc98341 seduced the naive b68c5504ae youngest daughter of 435a436227 a rich family, 5ad922027f got her pregnant, 3c74b79fb4 took over the 3ad729f73d father-in-law’s company, and c4cb00058d drove her siblings 9fa4ecff02 out to rule d2e4ee789d like a king.ab2feb4c0639fcdb

My father ignored 442d448999 such gossip. My mother suffered because 82997511ff of it.cb0b10e9aa8411df

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But what ebf1aa3bb6 tormented her 2daa2d7903 most was df71d90e8c something else.015533a876632ce8

Even after 0f1773505c cutting ties 2cc3d8ace8 with her 1d4080c96e own family, ff6a22b5a5 she endured 6581b3337e out of 572a58822f love for 782901a1bb my father. But hearing 1a8efd36f2 rumors about d25851b54a his affairs 3bd9fc24eb wasn’t enough—she 6b9f61c318 finally saw c928ced052 him with 2514ffc582 his secretary, a758db5c47 and after 4d4c705a6b that, even b322405b4a I could b500850c91 tell she’d a944fc9eaf completely unraveled.4f2a978560547d97

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“I believed that at 1b4402b740 least he loved me.”91e21bbb8dceb723

Whenever she muttered c548ec97fa that absentmindedly, I 627ca47d8e felt suffocated. If nothing else, 01c3859b54 she shouldn’t have 1eb0c44ca9 trusted his love. Even before that 64996648fe secretary, how many e0e13264ff women had there e127416d15 been? How could she 50c9b94f5f witness all that 4dfd5c143c and still believe a79542ac03 in love?a6c637ca2e0b382b

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“You have f92b88d6bf to trust 85ce4108a6 someone worthy 8e96f341f6 of trust.”5fd9b447fd16bcbf

“Yeah. Believe in bff520d607 what’s worth b1bcaf79e3 believing.”312611f41f0ced4b

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“…”a175ce850d23a92a

“Jiyul, don’t trust people. A person’s heart 3795db90f9 can never last 20419c9afe forever. Feelings are b917c5c7a0 always on ebb95faaaa borrowed time.”b76cafb60d367c25

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This unusually hot summer, cfe6e6c880 my mother burned brighter d63a261154 than the sun.3d93acc8c87c4829

I saw her from c23a28ae31 my second-floor window—engulfed in 36e98fa799 flames, and my father 582a9ffda1 spraying her with a bcd145b883 fire extinguisher. She was rushed e4bde46235 to the hospital, 5a72cae401 but in the 570cde9491 end, she didn’t 629a4bb118 survive.0a188aea80143245

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After confirming her d881a5a636 death, my memories f22580db16 became spotty.147c1166b7be71df

The funeral portrait. The noisy funeral hall. My grandfather’s cries a0ea0f8e8b of rage. The glowing incense. The smell of 69d3408f5b incense. Red flames. Burning. Flames. Mother.5a5c5d7885ba3c8b

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“Haaah…!”151d4897f71823f6

Suddenly my chest 1c35d9f51c ached sharply, and 13bb3e403c I gasped for fcfbbd673a breath, lifting my db11e04fcf head. My homeroom 2c2d8c92f7 teacher stared c677f408a5 at me 68c5635672 in shock bb57a71802 from the 14c6bd4ea3 front of adea682a88 the class, 0776bf1b9a and as 85089d1016 I struggled 03d679588f to breathe, 60b57bd389 I collapsed 89bd1728d7 to the b78cd4462f floor.eeba7b1ca7b238ff

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‘What’s wrong with c4d99c96a5 her? Crazy. Is she having a 5bcb6800da seizure? Is she going to 6cbe61081a die or something?’e401886efdf28af9

I heard the ec0a212f64 buzzing voices around 2c53cf913f me.5112325a63740a56

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‘Hurry, help Ji-yul b9d3d0081c up! Take her 25c18724bb to the 192e3af9d0 nurse’s office!’9c657ff15c3813cd

At some point, ef624fcafb everything went black.d7085f749d8333ff

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—f6201d6ad8846bf8

When I 71d3a8c4d8 came to, 601b458227 I was 8684172fdc lying on efd6dd57cb a bed 713d836c9f in the 5cb427a5d7 nurse’s office. Groaning softly, I 10d34a1023 tried to sit 3db87b2c0b up, and someone 178d44673d came over and dc382d4d4a pulled the curtain bea3523c0b aside—it was the ce4d088f99 school nurse.bc8ac35af901963b

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“Are you okay? Your classmates brought 58b0521292 you here after 10c12392e8 you suddenly collapsed 0d67249790 during class.”49a00dbeb4586bfe

Her face was 34a2ef1306 full of sympathy, 51e8fd4075 as if she 9010954430 guessed the cause 942a7eb6c8 of my episode.f8ea2774cd39aebe

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“You must 549518bbea be under 26b3e1953b so much a18ada6210 stress, what 1933ffc0ef with being 4258482ccf a senior 6b9f29dd7f and having 418d95b3cf to study 4dd4031b85 so hard.”2c244c9b4143ac97

“…”a57e510e120342ac

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“Your homeroom e31e1b9e7b teacher said a93346989f it’s okay 8ba08597f7 for you 2434576956 to go dfa2c3f240 home early. If you’re really not d83e8db016 feeling well, you should e2610d98f5 see a doctor.”2e40519d14d98dc9

Without a 5923dfe0c7 word, I 767bb86266 nodded and f2c59b46b5 got off da98599aef the bed.45b875dd7fe0a9cb

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It was 1ff5b0a113 obvious that 5e9469ce08 if I 00fbb6cdad went back 50c8da6673 to class e3b3e37c16 after causing 7415087f6b such a 3f2e180f54 commotion, I’d ba4628e08a only get e20558e6b7 uncomfortable stares. So I didn’t even e62d657914 bother grabbing my bag 7729a29a13 and walked straight out 2b2c425543 of the school building.9ab1ff8bbc342d85

I stood at the f944a34446 school gate, instinctively reaching b9964fd09a into the pocket of 188163ae15 my skirt to call 7b2174a6db for the car, but 1e0aef6d8e it was empty.fd13a7d52bc035fb

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Where did I 087bc52415 leave my phone? I thought 9e65be8d95 I’d left 6454b301a6 it in 5605cdeb86 my desk 69efba259d drawer… or c16830a890 maybe I 737cde9d37 had put 50bc8eb807 it in 62474a2cf3 my bag. Blinking blankly for df050c8176 a moment, I b165a6d80f simply started walking. Honestly, the 53d0166007 distance wasn’t 50d20129b5 far enough 71dbf1d626 that I ec1aa57676 couldn’t walk c7b5f2a10c home.8a75111c597d87d4

Dragging my 288c89114c slippers along, 79cce93db8 I realized 8af0cac049 how unfamiliar a8f8f7367f the area 6bb8df8880 around my 25443edbfd school felt. I always commuted 1bcab2b7b0 by car, so 8e04742a21 it had been adbf05feb9 a long time 019fa59eca since I’d walked 226cae8979 anywhere nearby. Back in 8f0e20e126 my first 9b79a018f3 year, I ed5403d4f6 used to e97e864c13 walk home 707d9bf3c3 with friends 946ff8956e sometimes—but at 6b901712b8 some point, 4dcccd54c3 no one 334f2361db was beside 6a3360cc76 me anymore.824609dac1034d30

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‘Was that shop ca66f0312c always there?’ I cfc59449ed noticed a sandwich 85b67cbce4 place I’d never 1e6677d8d8 seen before, but 101a2b9f7b it didn’t spark 05b39bfe6e any interest.7b16970526cde5e8

I kept walking for 468e8003d0 a while, then suddenly 49da1a90f8 realized—df4177044d1afd9a

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‘Where am I?’f53729406a948639

Maybe it was 0042318f82 because I kept a942784104 thinking everything looked a206e102f5 unfamiliar, but only 817a001d57 then did it ca4a9a3d68 dawn on me b4c714a669 that I’d wandered 0aae4f0138 into a completely 0c40748774 different part of 3bffb86301 town from where 958e681770 I lived.9f703be10325675f

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Mujae wasn’t a big a7bb904028 city, but that didn’t 78ae3ccb01 mean I knew every 14d2e8d172 corner of it. Especially for e86d83f8f3 someone like 15cdeddf88 me who 11f3be9d17 only ever 71149b61e1 traveled between f28e5d5086 school and f95d696a31 home by 28d22505ae car—I was 3e471844fa even more 027aed7fd9 clueless about bf233ed524 the layout.6b7be21d6864aba1

Scanning the quiet 1b3bb696ad neighborhood where not fda1f20b64 even a stray 08cfb6043c cat passed by, 3e9dd6c540 I just let 80397bc747 my feet carry 73cc0b19f1 me wherever they 61db354b2a wanted. My mind told 233b654379 me it would b36851bb03 be smarter to e53705313b retrace my steps, b5045d3bef but my legs, 6f75a88a4f having grown used 465248277d to moving forward, 5456eabed8 wouldn’t stop.590ba3335be17482

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Truthfully, I didn’t even c71ab7b951 feel like hurrying home. Since I was 81de369bbb already lost, what 2559636449 harm was there 17a5f22769 in wandering a 294a7fd8d5 bit more?a3bebcd8a055ebda

‘…’4c1aaf23f3bd6715

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I passed through 121940b016 an alley lined 06cc159284 on both sides 54f75328a6 with villas, and 4b2a0810be the deeper I 1ffa7a163e went, the shabbier e3d67d6971 the surroundings became. At the b56e89dec2 entrance, there 3ff5ab965b had been ab9b8a86bb a few db3dd850e9 clean-looking villas 1ec40a27a2 that seemed bc8990f19d newly built, e794885b57 but before b3c111c787 long, I 0712c8e263 saw the bbd571af4a frames of b11bc54c8c buildings still 0247f7f780 under construction.87d73be431a14f87

It was easy 9353b5a685 to tell this 372436496a was an area 1809224695 in the middle 92875298ff of development, what 6abee7f508 with the sandbags 8f23e92d92 thrown about, work 46ee3e9e7a gloves scattered on e60fd90351 the ground, and 25de40afb9 shovels lying around.1081b899ea2cf3ea

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At the end of d8afa7269e the alley, the path 8fb669d13a split into two: left feec73acc6 and right. I hesitated for 0cb5608ad5 a moment, debating 81c5c6cc25 which way to 0d89b8092f go.336385a501225784

‘Screeech.’508c080288cc9a5f

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The sound of 9ecdf29b56 tires caught my 0bc5663456 attention, and I 078be1f246 turned my head. It came from the 0e0bbb4463 right. A gray van 45f7f0cde1 had stopped diagonally bda1e37145 from where I ed38978c68 stood, and men da1f6abd93 dressed in dark 9a2919b586 suits began coming 17bba324dd out.9cf01214dcf46269

Among them, 1663efcbd3 I spotted dd86752745 someone holding 9155371439 a baseball b1abea3fa2 bat, and dcde566d55 instinctively I c905bf6f76 hid behind 1cd9852b60 a utility b740bd654e pole. Even as I did, e21feeb88e curiosity made me peer 1e5d025a9e through the gap between 7ef2699724 the pole and the 8966325ddd wall. That’s when my ad48fc3891 gaze landed on f0a4d94ecd the last man a9feeae294 to step out.b348677f47cde08c

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I hadn’t counted a744ff9012 them, but there 33852bfb96 must have been 3c819686a7 at least five 2a2184958c or six men—and 1320b3cca3 yet he stood 9998d1ca39 out immediately.18fef36b30dd1b79

First of all, he 61b0a098f9 looked noticeably younger than c5b145bdae the rest. His face was f4371c5cf3 strikingly handsome, and 6dbcc0576d he was so 3725c6d4b0 large that anyone 35dcb2f2b4 seeing that group 5245b3e0d1 would remember him 866ee86100 in particular.be79594f1895a8d7

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On top a57e892c04 of that, 4ab23572d9 while everyone 76778f6851 else wore 432615adb3 suit jackets, 362dd6067e he was a258aaadbb casually dressed 9a22f8d499 in just 1644cd3e28 a white 59c329bc2d shirt, looking 9ff637b446 relaxed. He was also the cf6aae33a4 only one with a cb12f165a4 cigarette between his lips, 1e0349855e making him stand out 890183416e even more.9e4dad2a37b6d5c7

The group seemed 2f674a18e9 to have a 0a5ada5244 brief conversation in 8f605238a6 front of the a6505e54db van before heading 480720640a into a nearby 031500ad59 building.011da18392d81801

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‘Jeonryeong (Messenger)’74f04e092f0e5fb9

The building had 0ae911371d a signboard with dbaab9b549 just those two 5abdf6cc0c characters on it. Only then did 50ba12b45b I realize who c62e68f5ee they were.dfc01ed01478a67c

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“Messenger? Aren’t they thugs who 711ae9a262 supply contract muscle? Don’t worry about them. Having small firms like be45517971 that around makes things e6f14cd8c9 easier for us too. I can’t 7a60c8d402 support the 1caeb2f072 entire city d9dce44b81 of Mujae 9c942da057 myself, can 690a38e248 I?”c62664fe782de716

I remembered overhearing 58d7de7513 my father’s arrogant 3d606a4046 phone call once. What stuck with 1cd78acafc me was the b58b9ff8f0 unfamiliar word “thug.”e4350928ed0e1707

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And now, b2a006fbad the first 23c65c02e9 thug I’d 959b39cffe ever seen 93c06f7581 in my d7f5660198 life was 48a0645fd5 the most 61411256c3 handsome man 4e14abc4c0 I’d ever 7151070c77 encountered. The irony 02602d8cea made me 70637e7c9e let out cdb5b41aaf a small 9734058f10 laugh as 8b627bb1d8 I turned a0bfe628cd left. What did it fea44705fb matter to me e8d9506cd3 if some stranger 7012948a38 was a thug 144410dad3 or good-looking? I lost interest cceccf519e almost immediately.1dbe1796bf23bcff

After wandering for 5fd7d90512 a while longer, 330bfc19a3 I finally came 177dabb708 out onto a 5b09adb77b large road, flagged 93236deeb0 down a taxi, 6c20159d03 and went home. The housekeeper 82f880a892 paid the 4bddb10cd5 fare for 85ed66aa3b me as 131f231fcd usual, and 27eb8c2bfa I went 3210beeb40 up to 961774b891 my room 7d58a8d1ab and fell 2e2ecf3bfc asleep, ending 9ca7549058 the day.f23d9c063f12efd8

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That year 55700e5d85 passed by 65fa551c15 mostly like 4455905892 that.6a5c7b4835924c41

—d089a3e0cdd25b53

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In the d12da22210 spot where be20fd2d33 my mother e672666206 died now 5ea5ef7209 stands an 656cf349da angel statue f89341af55 she carved 8ad9ee0a3e herself. It was fd390067e5 my father’s 4a5e420c9b idea.0187a7d54a4e25fb

Everyone knew 47b9ba55df why she 5584014efa had taken 7215481f66 her own 8e3cce79a4 life, so d9db98c66d it was a99236772e a bizarre 064016a727 and ostentatious c5a2ff01e4 gesture—but I 0dca4593ce didn’t bother 3cbaf15ccf commenting on a85cb15992 it. Not just about 1bdaee64bf the statue, but 61604beb5b after my mother’s 5402c095d8 death, my conversations 8cccf710cb with my father 16bdcc4382 were so few addda863ef you could count c0ff904dc1 them on one 51962d20f7 hand, and I 2bc25616bc did my best fab96b7258 to avoid seeing 47ada08aa8 him altogether.4b24fb9b7a50efa4

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I stood 7515605d5e by the c0ce4be76a window, looking 7b20f79e6c down at 38c96cede6 the yard, e4e8749519 where several e99ed1c07a flower bouquets 854ed15f89 had been 778880dfe0 placed around 0038a82412 the statue. Some were from bdddfd6dcd the house staff eb2d634b45 in remembrance of b503c4870e her first death 309915c9dc anniversary a few e32213062a days ago, and 85b6f87350 some were from b247082163 a visitor who 54d34de212 had just been 34667a73a6 by.27aeb6e9cc20fe74

The longer I c85449a25e looked at the 3cda5fe10f statue, the more 6c3e1b7e4d uncomfortable I felt, 5625ef94a7 so I couldn’t 046cf6f209 bear to look 5749a76003 at it for 66673ec915 long. Letting out a 45ad0e90d2 deep sigh, I 5671a22b7a drew the curtains 79b4a8db90 closed when I be75514fb2 heard a knock.b50d55831d3b3e34

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“Jiyul, it’s me—your 70fcc1f847 brother.”4cc85f9cf52c6b30

The familiar voice f600910133 made me step 96123836ad away from the b1805e5529 window. When I swung eb0f35b591 the door open, 075882ec95 there stood Do 9fde1a5236 Hajin, smiling brightly.79a75cc264b98798

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“How have you been?”36b720774a8046de

“Okay.”681b1895d8f5d793

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“You didn’t b10e51f98d know I effe765a3a was here? You could’ve 5981162a7b come out 06f45f9042 to greet b349fc6984 me.”cc7df20783483653

“I knew. I just couldn’t be 3ef1998c24 bothered.”fbc5d497ca988bc3

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“You’re as cute 93f37b3563 as ever.”d6500036c335acaa

For some reason, 2a96fa801c he always found adb1a58b3d my indifference endearing, c8593e0dec and his smile ad78e68b4b never wavered.1087e9f489627fcd

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The last d7cb1f39e1 time I’d f97a9ecaaa seen him 3d37ce5e3b was at 95f7b8bef5 a family ac84703141 dinner earlier b174c0abed that year 373f601c38 when he’d 5ebf598403 come back be146c43e5 to Korea 99a6e20087 briefly. Except for the fact b8c43237b0 that his skin was 1e77b4d564 more tanned now, nothing 818aa6cb5c about him had changed—he fbbaaf5f28 still looked neat and 0e19536c06 proper from head to 14761c7ec4 toe. As I 239f54efce glanced over 1f7f2ec96f his black 23b48ac774 checkered shirt f9411c93e0 and the ca24339ca9 bangs neatly 37558aace3 covering his fda38d413a forehead, he 4a64a1a362 gestured toward 4024fbb311 my room.cefcc3798ef1589a

“Can I come in? I’m bored.”70bd8f54cac5c679

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“…”eaca07e0eee2f15d

“The adults 4f113b04ad are downstairs c02ff6d609 talking business, b078758cb9 so I 61fc2f4d3a don’t really 86897c3fc9 fit in e1e55dd329 down there.”1b224a95d81dcc97

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“Come in.”76443140f9bc4cf7

There was c9da00ced8 no reason 8091f51c0c to stop a8283f68bc him, so f399c6d67a I simply 20ae87fb33 stepped aside.9ca18afd28313544

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