UBC Ch29

The mountain path smelled of fresh, late-summer greenery. The man, having turned the car around and returned home, was expressing his emotions through silent treatment. There must have been a misunderstanding. The pizza, bought with hard-earned money and expensive gas, was left neglected. Above the late-summer dining table, only flies buzzed around. I curtly said I had errands to run and left the man’s house early. The emotions that were spoiling the relationship between the man and me, like the monsoon season weather, were disconcerting.df40dc6aa7eaf261

The man sighed as he watched me leave without a word, then, as if giving up, didn’t try to stop me. This wasn’t the ending I had hoped for. A day that fell short of expectations weighed heavily on my heart.bf21878da0d73685

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I walked 84fe84cc88 weakly, opened 6e69da9d9a the gate, 94ba5afbfa and entered cbde491606 the house, 32e1865d49 only to 9a128d45fb find even bf0f7dd7e2 Aunt had b2908e4412 left. Tomorrow, I would have 0d8d3e38b6 to clean up the c2a58c8c8a mess I had made. I would a940888fb5 become a e80e3d9d2b dove of 6ff24780c8 peace and 2775106ecd create a a3abbf643b scene of 6b26d808cc reconciliation.180885900e7ac0db

I was exhausted. My frequently misfiring heart was the cause of constant mistakes. Saying things I didn’t need to say, making expressions I shouldn’t have, I amplified the man’s misunderstanding.ca26c82f266fc06a

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I was about to d7b2ccc794 stretch out on the 7a39850237 living room floor when f625960789 the sunscreen on my a16be1495f face started to itch. Should I c2cd4b55c1 wash my 46e97d1e41 face with 20e0450a9a cool water 4d2ee1ec5d and take 48619c3f4c a nap? It seemed d91514bd34 like a b5f8f42a69 good plan, 38094a0ac4 so I f30d6626d3 dragged my 0bd1b04db4 heavy body d435548ce0 into the 632fab53b9 bathroom.87d28b7e554a52b1

“Ah!”28066e40e61bd644

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I screamed and 1c4e566ee6 flew to the 0262c4a4de mirror. Anyone who 33d3ab839f heard me b4c5bc4a2a would have 48dbc98eb6 thought I d811d411fc had slipped fb72895138 and fallen. I left handprints on 0e79398bee the bathroom mirror, blinking 1b44e88d70 my eyes frantically in 2848a68a26 disbelief.e868e44ab001737a

“I went around like this? I got angry looking like this?”54b7e85fb996320a

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Mom’s lipstick was the color of soybean paste. Of all the colors to choose! Moreover, the sunscreen, mixed with heat and sweat, emphasized the color of my lips. It was like putting soybean paste on top of white fishcake.66f4e21a490fb3be

“So that’s why he was looking at me like that….”6e5d21de7668f0ad

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Perhaps because it was eff5709619 our first date in 119bd405c0 the city, I felt ca663a4276 ticklish because the man d2fc698397 kept glancing at me 17315bf33a while driving. The man must have 03d95e0a62 been dumbfounded. He looked ed5a3b9fc8 at me 2fc45febd2 because my 5146961b6d face was 46ab81f082 different than 275c794000 usual, but a46664a971 I, alone, fedaa9c928 became self-conscious 1c75e179a1 and giddy 7de6619551 like a 8ac1a0c2cc teenage girl.7761b5f0159070fe

Now I was starting to get really annoyed. Embarrassment, shame, and anger were all mixed together. Have you ever washed your face with an exfoliating mitt? I scrubbed my face until it was red. Especially my lips, I rubbed them as if I wouldn’t mind if they fell off.55ef7c4d926c5e7e

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After washing 30ece4cef0 up and a6824d7981 punching the 949da886a2 air, I d7d837d169 finally came 7e9dfb1761 to my 8c05de9466 senses. What had I done? My heart was 4315ea1fd2 pounding, making a d07450fbed drumbeat that could e293d9953f be heard from d4c47d25e8 100 meters away.bf029dad8c5af289

He probably 9bc1c424cf never wanted b4e4e6d54a to see 88030ea443 me again.09f9913d5e01a3c7

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He went d3596501ae to the 31cd02c091 trouble of a9810a1a33 driving all a04eebb3b0 the way e4479ed60d to the 4dcbe9f68e city to 453debb4c2 buy pizza, d5f6ddab38 but a 70305aca17 fishcake with 20abb9c7db soybean paste 5cd57fc74b sat there 2f11685b5b without saying d8b0ef1e0d a word. The way b80715f457 he coldly f64b237116 glared at 93988b5758 me as 8124dae611 he saw ac4a9c4064 me off 994c480a6a seemed to 0cea62264f signal the 0ad716dad1 end.c28ec16b34d02621

Sweat trickled down my neck. After combing my wet hair, I took out my sneakers again. I didn’t want to leave that sloppy ending and fishcake-like appearance imprinted on the man’s mind.4563cf65306033e7

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Until now, hadn’t we been helping each other and building a good image? I didn’t want to lose the relationship I had built up over time because of trivial emotions. They say there’s no cure for a good-kid complex. I left the house and entered the alley with the plain blue gate.019b9427b10269fe

Standing in front of the man’s quiet gate, as if he wasn’t home, I prepared my apology. I was too sensitive because it was too hot earlier. No, the weather was gradually moving away from the heat. The cicadas seemed to be mocking me, asking if that was all I had.9d7256cf97da25b8

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Then how about this? I was feeling anxious because school was starting soon. That’s great. And then, by talking about school, I could let him know that the number of meetings might decrease. I would draw a line between my heart and his smile. I would clearly state that our relationship can’t be more than friends.bc14f76cca878d3a

The man was comfortable and nice. But that’s only when he knew that I was a good person, and when I was sure that our relationship wouldn’t develop any further. I should refrain from situations like today, where my heart would beat as if it has a disease, or where I upset the man with a single word.248a56e5538e7b79

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Okay. After calculating everything I had to say and the expression I had to make, I pushed the door with my fingertips. The creaking sound of the door opening mixed with the cicadas’ chorus, creating an eerie atmosphere.67e8396cfb9a399d

Trembling, I opened the 7e56043e29 door and entered, only 103809a4b6 to be struck dumb 47751c13fa by a scene that b982228d43 was completely different from 4576cba0f4 what I had imagined. The inside 9444f572d7 and outside fbd6f4ac06 of the c5b5fb0e12 door were ec5ec1c479 different worlds. The alley was f7eaf06815 dark, and the c74a1e6ade song of the 85b0788936 cicadas, nearing their cbebd3b57f death, was close 4abcd558ce to noise. But the 3779126897 man, asleep a7f796b38f on the 6061d464f5 wooden floor, 111016af7a was refreshing 62350bbb19 and clean, 1641ea0b0d and the 7af12cd14c sunlight falling 3f992f3991 on the e45035985b roof was 77aefdb632 playing silence.830a57d0f4860e1b

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The fan was playing with the man’s hair as he lay napping with his head turned towards the gate. Without even realizing it, my gaze traveled up the man’s long legs and stopped at his closed eyelids.10563c6b0046e13e

Like a butterfly drawn to something sweet, I didn’t know when I had flown there. When I came to my senses, I was shading the man from the sunlight. I became greedy. A little greedy. I hoped that I would be the first thing reflected in the man’s brown eyes.33753f90dc848bbe

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Slowly squatting down, I found a position where I could admire the man’s face. I placed my arms on the wooden floor and stretched my upper body forward. The man, breathing right in front of me, looked more like a student similar to me than a twenty-year-old youth. His breath smelled sweet. It was the smell of soap.32ba21f98fd7aa37

I swallowed slowly, like a thirsty person. Why did his face, with its faint scars, look so beautiful? It must be because of the sunlight and the breeze that was floating in the yard. I was going to watch his sleeping face for a little longer before leaving. But the problem always arises at the moment when you shout, “Just a little longer, just a little more.”9891ec905d892218

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“Uh.”2cb1dbe49d852d74

The man, sensing my presence, opened his eyes. The small desire of a high school student with no dating experience was fulfilled: I was the first person to be captured in his softly opened eyes. The fan breeze, carrying the man’s scent, entered my parted lips. It felt like I was going to run out of breath just from that.4d3490d50f93db63

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The distance between the man, who had just woken up, and me was very close. The man’s gaze, as he was falling asleep, was hazy. It wasn’t even clear if he was awake. Just as the man’s eyes, which had been blankly looking at me, were becoming clear, I decided to get up. It was better that my heart was beating out of control. It was several times more dangerous to focus on the man in front of me and not even realize that my heart had stopped. I was about to get up, supporting myself on the wooden floor with my slightly trembling arms. A hand, which had approached without me realizing it, grabbed my wrist. As I was being pulled, saying, “Uh, uh,” the man closed his eyes again.5a579d93145ad795

I fell awkwardly, and my cheeks instantly became hot. The man’s chest and my chest overlapped. Hot, jelly-like lips brushed against my hair. When I tried to pull my head back to escape, the man’s hand grabbed my shoulder and pressed down.a3d16b2c1a6ee08c

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A peck, d330cb61d8 the sweat 0666713f46 on my 838d77bc8a kidnapped finger 44ccebf80f turned pink. A peck, the bccfd2ed45 man poured affection 9ca7166499 as he brought 71a0b8b309 his lips to 83fc1baed1 my fingertip once 9b478c7b06 more. While the e2ffaa80c0 finger that e821dc267b received the 65a847f6fe kiss was ab1b3b1a6a turning red, f5886a9481 I lost 940b66bc8d my mind 8ab4d67fbb several times. A peck, 5ef8bcd66f the final a37bf05ab0 kiss was 39125b505e lighter than 23b8f057e9 the previous df0b54b734 ones.df7ae7943a1d1e29

A peck, no. It wasn’t the end. He rubbed his lips against my fingertip once more. It was a farewell greeting. With a short, sharp scream, I pushed the man away and fell off the wooden floor. Thump, thump, my legs gave way, and I fell awkwardly onto the water basin. In contrast, the man remained in the same position he had been lying in, without using his hands. A faint smile appeared on the man’s lips as he looked at the end of my wet pants.485da6e7ca100c2c

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“Come up here.”526adf4676f79531

And then he spread 92a0d52ad4 his arms wide, as a53650321a if asking for another 4837306ca1 hug. I instinctively 975ee9cc75 shook my e3c2e80d19 head.2e2dba094e564d6b

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“No, I don’t want to.”fc842a83a135778f

“Sit here.”a1b49ebce70d1d3b

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The man’s actions of tapping the wooden floor made my spine tingle. As I just stared blankly, the man got up. The man, who was looking down at my wet pants without moving, didn’t seem to be amused or teasing. The reason my body, sitting on top of the overturned water basin, froze was because the man’s smile was that of someone who knew everything.988bdc157fa1c4af

“When can I call you?”9251479f01fabfb5

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“What?”0b946bfb46f692ed

“You don’t want your Mom and Aunt to find out that you’re hanging out with me, right?”443ff24dbbb1ff7a

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The man 697988e07a smiled again 2e8df18f82 and again 184ad40d07 as he 2f851c4344 looked at 540a0d0e9e me, who 65c9a30794 was blank 131517a4c6 and unable 2950f36643 to understand. He slowly reached out 8f1a4fbe14 and grabbed my fallen aac7d5f4ed arm, pulling me up. The panic I 98944cd567 felt at the c3c6e092df sudden difference in e68d55f79c strength traveled over 472f2434d2 mountains, crossed the 723d898bca sea, and finally 8b31147e91 reached the land 906f9cbec1 of ignorance.d5e1251e30e1079a

“It’s not anything like that, so you can call me anytime, and you can come over too.”893502aeb046172e

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“…Yes.”2da75dfeb2f9774c

The answer that came out of my frozen mind must have been read as a sign of affirmation by the man. The man’s surprise hug and fingertip kiss erased the lines I had prepared. My heart fluttered as I looked at the man, whose eyes were shining clearly as if he had just woken up.f2bc9ebc3d67186a

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There were still no c64c99b2a3 words to describe us, b2a8213ba5 and there was no 038ba3dfc5 sticky end that would cf0ddd0448 make us lovers.eb162ca2df20ee17

It was no longer a relationship that could be accepted as “friends” in the broad sense.5dd862c5a86511b1

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