UBC Ch12

The child who arrived at daycare the earliest and left around 7 PM after attending the all-day program. That was Yang Ji-eon as a child. It was before her widowed mother sought out her aunt.

My mother, who would often collapse and fall asleep after coming home at 2 AM, was only concerned with sending me to daycare and picking me up. She believed that daycare would take care of meals and snacks, and that cleanliness, clothing, and basic manners were the tutor’s responsibility.

However, contrary to my mother’s expectations, the homeroom tutor and the director, seeing the filthy state of the six-year-old child, mistreated and berated me, and the other children invariably excluded me from their games. One would think that a six-year-old would forget, but the memories of that time were as vivid as if they had happened yesterday. Good memories lack clear colors and brightness, but bad memories replay repeatedly, acquiring colors and brightness they never had.

My unwashed, greasy hair was tangled in clumps, I wore the same clothes I had worn the day before yesterday, and the kind tutor who occasionally found time to wash me left. As the money-grubbing director took over as homeroom tutor, I was ultimately neglected. The children who ostracized me openly called me a beggar and pinched me, and the atmosphere was such that it was simply accepted.

And around winter, not long before Christmas, I met a benefactor. It was the woman next door who had just moved in. She happened to find me squatting by the front door, playing with ants. The woman, who had three daughters, was very surprised and called me over. After careful observation, the woman concluded,

“Dear, would you like to have dinner at our house?”

On weekends when I didn’t go to daycare, I would practically starve. My mother’s warning not to follow strangers couldn’t overcome my hunger. Besides, the woman next door had a kind face.

I didn’t know what the woman was thinking when she took me in. She dropped the groceries she had just bought and took me to the bathroom to scrub away the grime. After drying me off, she gave me a floral dress that her daughters had worn and braided my hair like sheep’s horns. Seeing me laugh gleefully as my body and hair felt refreshed, she laughed along with me.

From that day on, with my mother’s permission, the woman took me to her house every evening. There, I learned the basics of being human. How spoons and forks were different, what to talk about during meals, how many times a day to wash, and so on. Because the couple ran a bakery, they baked chocolate cookies and cakes for Christmas and New Year’s. The kind-hearted couple lovingly cared for the snot-nosed kid next door without being asked. They cherished me like the youngest daughter, thinking of their three daughters in middle and high school.

Even at daycare, I was teased less often. Later, as the decision to move was made, my mother expressed her gratitude with tears. I remember the affectionate couple who hugged and comforted me as I cried, saying I didn’t want to ride in the moving truck. The little kid next door, the woman next door. Under the name of neighbors, they generously extended kindness, gave goodwill, and taught me the standards of the world.

Having acquired a sense of normalcy, I never went back to my ugly duckling days. I would pester my mother to wash my hair and go out, and I wore freshly laundered clothes every day. Fortunately, around that time, my aunt, who was skilled with her hands, began to take care of me. My mother was shocked by my request to have my hair washed and became particularly obsessed with living an average life.

The reason I wanted to help Eui-joo as soon as I saw him was also due to the influence of the woman next door. And Eui-joo’s brother. Why did the man’s barbaric behavior make me feel sorry for him? Why did his life, which rejected my kindness and was criticized by others, bother me?

When I came to my senses, I felt ashamed. I wanted to change that man who was living without standards, just like I had in the past. An adult who knew everything, and I was even losing my temper with a man who didn’t want my help.

I puffed up my shoulders like a savior. But I was too narrow-minded and had too limited a perspective to live by extending kindness like the woman next door. I was just a high school student who had to memorize the solutions to math problem number 30. That man, who at least earned his own living, probably knew the standards of the world better than I did.

Turn off the meddling button.

Once I realized that the interest I had shown in the man was arrogance and prejudice, my mind calmed down at an astonishing rate.

For several days after that, no, almost a week, I lived forgetting about the man. This was about two weeks before the end of vacation. After I had devoured thirteen workbooks, my mother was the first to tell me to go out and get some fresh air.

I said I would, but then spent several more hours in my room. My mother was working a side job and hadn’t come home even though it was past 11:30 PM. Having grown accustomed to guarding the empty house, I sat with disheveled hair, previewing what I would study tomorrow.

Ring, ring, why did the sound of the phone ringing feel so ominous? A chill ran down my spine, and I dropped my pen. As if self-harming, I imagined news of my mother’s car accident, an emergency room call. My mother was my only remaining family. I became weak, like a helpless child, and went out to the living room.

“…Hello.”

My mother’s tired voice flowed from the phone I held with trembling hands.

— Yes, Ji-eon. It’s Mom.

I swallowed a sigh of relief that extended below my navel. After apologizing for leaving me alone, my mother continued with her business.

— Mom will be late today. I’m helping out at the factory and will sleep at a friend’s house and go straight to work from there. You still have enough side dishes, right?

“Mhm.”

I knew that my mother was working hard enough to break her back to move to an apartment in the city that was completed last year. I put aside my desire to complain and looked out the black window. I missed my aunt, whom I hadn’t visited once since having a fight with my mother. I didn’t want to be alone at home. How much did I dislike it that I even missed that man?

Heavy rain of worry fell on my empty heart. To get rid of the emotions that were unnecessarily making me anxious, I hurriedly went out for a night walk. I was going to ride my bike around the neighborhood once. As I pedaled my bike at a time when the lights were off in the neighbors’ houses, I ate and drank the warm air.

As my head cleared, the complicated thoughts were organized. I realized that my feelings for the Kang brothers were hypocritical, that I was just clumsily imitating the woman next door, and that I needed a place to escape from my loneliness.

I might not become as attractive a woman as my mother or aunt think. Would a life of opening a beautiful flower shop next to a cafe, a life where I look forward to tomorrow, really be mine?

Perhaps I should work for a large company with a large schedule, as my mother says. As I imagined such an uninspiring future in my head, I turned onto the green rice paddy road. I was just passing by Eui-joo’s alley without deviating from my usual walking route. The man’s house, where he used to turn on the porch light even at 4 PM, was dark. The man went out often, but he still slept at home every night. I had noticed that he left the lights on even when he slept. Experiencing him compulsively changing all the light bulbs, I thought he must be afraid of the night.

Just like me.

After staring at the direction of the blue gate for a moment, I soon shook my head. That man was not the six-year-old Yang Ji-eon who needed help. It was a sickness to identify with him even though I knew it wasn’t true. A sickness of trying to cover up the wounds of childhood with hypocritical service.

“Stop meddling.”

I said to myself as if making a vow, but the force pressing down on the pedals slowed. It was because I was seized by a premonition that I should check on the man’s house once.

“Ha…”

If my mother hadn’t happened to sleep at her friend’s house, if my aunt had let go of her resentment and contacted me, if I had wanted to fall asleep early that day, if the man had left the lights on as usual, I probably wouldn’t have headed to the man’s house with my bike.

I was only planning to see how he was doing. I got off so that the sound of the wheels wouldn’t be heard and entered the alley. I was tiptoeing and looking over the white wall. There was one person lying on the porch with his arms spread out, and another person by the water faucet.

“Don’t be too disappointed. The old man cherishes you too much, so he’s jealous.”

“…..”

“Originally, younger brothers are supposed to yield in these matters. Eui-tae, you don’t know because you don’t have a brother.”

A man with many curves and a plump figure threw the cigarette he was smoking into the water faucet and walked towards the gate. Surprised, I quickly sat down and leaned my back against the wall. Fortunately, the man’s guest spat phlegm as soon as he came out of the gate and went to the opposite side of the road.

My heart was pounding as I watched the rough gait of the person wearing a black suit. He didn’t seem like an ordinary person. After the sound of his footsteps completely disappeared, I put my hand on the wall again.

The man was lying motionless as if he were dead. Maybe he was asleep. It’s time to stop meddling before my illness gets worse. It’s also strange that the person who sprinkled water came secretly to worry about him. I thought it was enough to see that he was alive and was about to let go of my tiptoes.

“Kang Eui-joo.”