UBC Ch11

My aunt’s cooking skills were top-notch, but my mom was no slouch either. It’s just that she didn’t have the energy to make side dishes after coming home from work. Even then, after declaring she wouldn’t accept my aunt’s help, Mom started waking up an hour earlier to make side dishes. It was no use telling her it was okay to buy them from the store. No matter what, Mom was adamant about putting her heart into the food her daughter ate.

“You’re eating too much!”

We’d meet around 10 AM for an early lunch and stay together until Mom’s fixed quitting time of 11:30 PM. Not that the man and I were cozied up together. On the open-air porch, I studied for my exams while he took care of his own business. As if advertising that he wasn’t unemployed, the tutor would often leave for a few hours, or go to the market downtown for groceries. The rest of the time, he spent studying Korean and preparing for the GED. Due to my preconceived notions about it, I figured it wouldn’t be long before he gave up on the books. When that happened, I assumed I’d naturally settle the debt with him.

But the man was surprisingly persistent, someone who could sit and study for hours. He reviewed the lessons I taught him the next day, and underlined anything he didn’t understand while previewing. Ironically, it was his serious attitude that influenced me.

“At this rate, these side dishes won’t even last two days.”

“So?”

“What do you mean, ‘so?’ I’m the one who packed these. Eat slowly, little by little.”

“You can just eat faster.”

“You’ll get indigestion. You should eat slower.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Are you possessed by a ghost who died of starvation or something?”

There was no particular reason why I kept arguing with the man but didn’t leave. Well, I say no particular reason, but it’s actually a big one. I liked the quiet porch without nagging, I could concentrate well, and most of all, it wasn’t boring. I also relieved a little stress by scolding the tutee. This was all before I even considered whether spending my high school senior summer vacation on someone else’s porch was right or wrong. This place, where my aunt’s watchful eye could never reach, was my paradise and hideout.

“Yang Ji-eon.”

“Yes.”

Then I fell into the delusion that I could turn the man into a gentleman of the city. All I had to do was say something, and he’d learn how to use chopsticks, turn the fan, and go outside to smoke. Unlike his first impression, he followed my lead so obediently that I must have underestimated him at some point.

Like a doctor participating in a rehabilitation project, I even tried to correct his bad habits. Although, the fact that the side dishes we shared were disappearing at an alarming rate was also stressful.

“You nag too much. Are you always this meddlesome, or do I just look like food to you, so you keep picking at me?”

“What does it mean to look like food?”

I found out that the man and I were ten months apart in age not long ago, when I saw his resident registration card. It was his fault for leaving his wallet behind, as if to show me. He was twenty, and I was nineteen, but I had nothing to lose. Would a man who wanted a high school diploma dare to miss out on the lottery that was me?

“Just chill. Chill.”

After saying that, the man slowly moved his chopsticks. He started to take only half a portion of the side dishes, but then, as if annoyed by something, he grabbed a huge amount as he always did. His behavior, which even a teenager in puberty wouldn’t do, made me laugh in disbelief.

“What’s with the ‘food’ thing?”

I could sense that he had softened his words. The original meaning probably had another word attached to the front. I, too, had grown up in a neighborhood where the downstairs neighbor was a drunk and the upstairs neighbor was a domestic abuser until I was six. And I certainly wasn’t raised like a precious princess.

“Like your tutor.”

There was no need to be insulted by the man just for nagging him, was there? He didn’t back down, closing his book and smiling wryly. Night had fallen, there was still studying to do, and his smile, like the bugs gathering under the orange lightbulb, was irritating. The man didn’t take his eyes off me as he kicked the table away with his foot. The sound of the barrier that had been separating us disappearing was eerie and terrible.

“Ji-eon.”

The man smiled when he’s angry, and lowered his voice pointlessly. Normally, I would have shrunk back, but this was the scene where three of my favorite meatballs had been taken. My eyes burned as if I had eaten the heat of the night.

“Don’t act like you’re doing me a favor by bringing side dishes. Then from now on, you can just quietly eat the meals I prepare.”

“Excuse me?”

“Just because I go along with everything, you must think it’s okay, but I didn’t call you as an etiquette tutor. I just asked you to help me study so I can get my diploma. Is there anything else I’m asking of you?”

The man, who usually spoke briefly and expressed his emotions briefly, had his eyes glazed over and was now giving me a speech. I knew I had touched something of his. The man, who had even cleared the table and was now facing me, stared at me intently. My heart, which had been shrinking with the thought that I had done something wrong, was revived by the sight of the empty plates.

“You have no manners.”

“I didn’t ask you to teach me.”

“I’m not teaching you either. If I was really trying to teach you, I would have spread out the table like before and told you everything one by one. It’s just that you keep eating meals with me. You share the side dishes, and you drink water together. But when you eat three side dishes, there are times when I can’t eat even one. I’m angry because you have no manners and no consideration.”

“Hey.”

I also yelled back with a scowl, as if I had memorized it. Eui-joo wasn’t like this. Not that he was particularly good at anything, but Eui-joo tried to repay me even by catching snails. But perhaps because I was providing a place to study and he had helped get rid of my tutor, the man was acting like he didn’t care. He was eating my side dishes and getting free tutoring, but he didn’t even say thank you.

“Get lost.”

“What did you say?”

“Can’t you hear me? I said get lost.”

The man, whom I had thought was just taciturn, threw the book he was reading on the floor. To throw the book he had been looking through until lunchtime like that. More than anything else, I was disappointed by his bad habit.

“I’ll get lost.”

The man was washing his hair near the flower bed where only withered grass grew. It was the day before yesterday, or maybe the day before that, when I arrived 30 minutes earlier than usual and witnessed him washing his hair and rinsing his back with water at the yard faucet. The thrown book had fallen into a small puddle that had formed near the faucet. The water-soaked book became limp and sank to the bottom of the puddle.

I stuffed my books and notebooks into my bag and got up from my seat. As I was tying my shoelaces and preparing to leave, I heard an irritating noise. The sound of a lighter being lit was sharp. Perhaps because I had said I didn’t like the smell of cigarettes, he had been smoking outside all this time. I guessed I liked the man’s consideration that I could see.

When I turned around, I saw the man slumped over and smoking a cigarette like someone who had given up on life. He lowered his eyes as if to say he didn’t care about me. He was occupying the spot where I had been with his long legs. I was itching to get my hands on the tutor, who was leaning against the door that looked like it was about to fall off.

For the first time, a fierce impulse that clawed at my stomach enveloped my hand. A washbasin with water rippling in it, and a red rubber basin, came into my sight, which could see nothing. I turned back and poured the water from the washbasin onto the man. The transparently shining water cut through the night air and hit him squarely in the face.

“……”

The cigarette smoke was extinguished, so I felt relieved, but the man, who was glaring at me with wet eyes, looked like a doll with broken arms and legs. Without even realizing that my legs were shaking, I took a step back. The man, who had dropped his hands as if giving up, kept his gaze fixed on me alone with a blank expression.

“Don’t let the house Eui-joo lived in smell like cigarettes. It’s the worst.”

I didn’t even know myself what kind of nerve I had to say those words. The man, who had become so cold that the summer night felt awkward, tilted his head slightly. I fully understood why the tutor had run away with his tail between his legs.

As if boasting that I wasn’t scared, I confidently opened the gate and came out. Perhaps because of the emotions that had reached boiling point, even the sound of the insects that I heard every day was unpleasant.

It was the same when I ran home as if I was in a bicycle race. I was worried that my heart was beating so fast that I would collapse.

But after sleeping soundly, the hot emotions that had changed me were nowhere to be found, and only self-reproach and regret remained. Even so, I shouldn’t have let my emotions get the better of me and said such harsh things. Even so, I shouldn’t have poured a basin of water on him. It could have been that the side dishes were so delicious that he couldn’t help but reach for them. I, who was a year younger, should have been patient.

Lying down and looking at the skylight, I recalled why I had thought of helping Eui-joo when I first saw him.