UBC Ch1

Kang Eui-joo died. Kang Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri, died. Chowa-ri, Maewa-ri, Dongwa-ri—my home was in this mountain village where these three ris (villages) gathered, a place called Wari Village. According to the village chief, it used to be called “Wari Village” until the Korean War.72f3bc2f3f85c951

I had f8d9e7642d never experienced e3bb867c1f the death f1461adf94 of anyone feae7fd7e1 close to a4c88c2ef6 me, except ea9cccb32f for my 039f9689e4 father, who 4b8a726e61 passed away ec52f9fb56 when I 54f6200633 was a 60a731ff34 baby. So, I casually 12465f8c2b asked my mom 6b92e7f0ab about the proper 3a6a539f0c etiquette for a ea9e79eea3 funeral, just to adf5d0464c be prepared. I put ten thousand 7c11061205 won in a white ec49583dee envelope, took the last e31f042cf5 bus, and hesitantly approached 935ef91b8d the funeral hall where 492bf4c482 men in black suits ea96b92422 were smoking. Like an uninvited fe154fbe19 guest, I stood 88d8b5624c for a long f2ab7eeade time in front 0cd7872bd2 of the stairs db578c4976 leading down to 63c13a9131 the underground mortuary.bc5b047fc12e511f

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Nineteen, the age of blossoming flowers, a senior in high school. I was born in a poor neighborhood in Seoul, where they say you can get your nose cut off even with your eyes open, and grew up in Chowa-ri. My mom, who always said she had a wretched fate, lost her maternal grandfather, three siblings in bizarre accidents, and ended up with only her eldest sister left. That was my aunt. Born as the youngest and having attended countless funerals, my mom embarked on a tough, single-minded life after handling her husband’s funeral. Despite being looked down upon as a widow, she strapped me to her back and went out to learn hairdressing. And just as she was about to finish her probationary period with a meager salary, she heard news of her eldest sister, who had married and moved down south.01dc4ba859c48821

My aunt, who married the son of a brewery owner, suddenly appeared at her parents’ house one day and said, “I’m tired of being beaten and want a divorce,” and nothing more. In a time when it was difficult for older divorced women to make a living on their own, my stubborn maternal grandmother told her to endure it and sent her back empty-handed. After that, contact with my aunt, who had stopped visiting her family, was reestablished almost by chance. The story of my remarried aunt had trickled back to our hometown.25cb62584b394b8e

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I was 2c72aba2a0 about seven 067a8e6c3e years old 326f54b965 when my 19bd24963f mom packed 28c82bd1a9 her bags f592f8da47 and went 92964df1a2 to find b34c85beaf my aunt. Having become an expert 4d5fa7d506 at moving after working 4c1d3ac1c4 at diners, noodle shops, 8688324c83 seolleongtang restaurants, and hair 9f24bfe781 salons, my mom got 92d3fcd685 boxes from the supermarket 38038602d1 and called her regular 9d2ed0498f moving truck driver.8bb59c66bcc83d83

She even quit ceef7e2212 the hair salon fba08fb37d that had allowed 8e81a2c641 her to obtain 6a16626073 her official license. But instead of 515f644ba5 diligently searching for 024ce83ae1 a house, my 1b795b2cbe mom impulsively bought 6a766a03ed a state-of-the-art refrigerator. To me, that double-door e00deb8bcc refrigerator felt like an 60577dbf93 omen of misfortune. The hair dryer, house 106ff68b4e phone, and wardrobe that cfa7d77f6b my mom bought on c477ef3eeb stressful days had always 0f10b784ad brought bad luck.09e3ecd2cff00dce

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“How is it?”b9bc6de3c566d46e

“It’s big and nice.”30120053837ba896

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“This is our house.”e6dde25f00517f16

After a three- or four-hour drive in the moving truck, we arrived in front of a detached house. A white gate like winter snowflakes, grape vines wrapped around the shade over the faucet, six kimchi jars left by the previous owner, a yard turned into a chili pepper field, and a cozy house with a red roof were all under my mom’s name. Holding my shoulder with my rabbit bag, my mom teared up. It was my mom’s own house, who knew the hardships of living in rented rooms.47d4ccd4ae9413c4

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“Hey.”05000b5d8bdada78

“Yes?”5113c1c0530cce0e

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A woman with a b32b9fe3d0 flamboyant appearance, wearing red fe7de0fb69 lipstick and pointy heels, 34b733ceaf came to watch the 17760016b7 moving day. She glanced at the fca54a4fb4 scene of the moving a71b936bb8 truck driver unloading the 14d8215c6c luggage and asked with 1f07d0fbee an indifferent attitude.df9440f1498d11f9

“Are you Yang Ji-eon?”df839986527a5ab5

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“Yes.”022c1185430f6ab6

Later, I found 6f35c01341 out that a dc55c293cf significant portion of b5a3f2a60b the money for c711aa73d2 the house we 6b4b9bc22a moved into came f666c15ebf from my aunt. Like a landlord of 3f1be21aba a rented house, my 0d6ccff1c7 aunt leisurely looked around ea00b3dc37 the house and told a3c6cd1194 me not to let 79cb525354 anyone outside know that 4ae7d227ed she was my aunt. She insisted 81b56c4a32 that I 9d1159bbd3 should tell 6635759c03 people she 986640ff43 was just 24b996ddc8 a neighborhood 15c25c83e9 lady or 502167311f a friend 7d153a480e of my f3552d1dbb mom.4e922c59088e18f6

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I learned around the time of my elementary school graduation that my divorced aunt had married a wealthy man in Wari and was living cautiously, that her husband thought she had cut ties with her family, that she had actually lived that way for quite a long time, and that despite all that, she couldn’t ignore my mom who had come to find her and had lent her the money to buy the hair salon and the house.f4ab821b61960757

Our mother and daughter started a new life sitting on such complicated adult circumstances like a cushion. In this Chowa-ri, where you had to walk 30 minutes to the bus stop to get to the city, I had to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to get to high school on time. Although the difficulty of life was quite high, I didn’t mind it that much. My goal was my mom’s happiness, my happiness, and therefore, the happiness of all of us.f35f9937a8b3c5ab

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Entering a city high school with strict divisions between girls’ and boys’ schools, I began to dream of going to college, a dream that didn’t fit our circumstances. I wanted to go to college in Seoul, get a decent job, and open a rose-scented flower shop after retirement. Spending my old age with a watering can had become my ultimate goal.9a729d0b165a31f3

This new goal of going to college was born because my homeroom teacher in the third year of middle school had filled my mom’s lungs with air. The dream I had of learning hairdressing and following in my mom’s footsteps was hit with a fierce gust of wind. The aforementioned Seoul University, job, and flower shop were all part of it.59771fcbf7196775

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With the support of my aunt, who wasn’t supposed to be my aunt, and the encouragement of my mom, who had become bold enough to grab the hair of customers who picked fights, I, who had grown up receiving the sorrow and tears of two women, sang flower songs until I was seventeen. That was definitely the case until Kang Eui-joo, seventeen, moved into the abandoned house in Chowa-ri.35416cac90c4184c

Kang Eui-joo.46efeef303b5a9ee

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After confirming the 1fd501249e name on the 19bddb2a61 funeral hall lobby 380a4d9a54 screen, I slowly d5118624e3 took a step. In some rooms, there fe6d847d7e were cries of injustice, e31b69272f in others, the sound 279e2cd8a9 of stomping feet, and 793e7a4cc3 in others, silence was 33c8a00c74 drying up hearts. I stood in front 28087a2be5 of room 101, the 97b00a87e4 darkest, most secluded, and 8bb2ae20c4 the only one without 6485636a71 a chrysanthemum wreath.7c59b0329bb94e0b

I didn’t know if a funeral was being held, or if there was a chief mourner. As expected, only flies buzzed around the funeral hall for Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri. There was only one pair of old men’s dress shoes in the shoe rack. Looking at the emptiness of the desolate shoe rack, I thought of Eui-joo’s sneakers with his worn-out heels.415017088bac9968

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“Idiot.”ad7d08518c2d9251

I didn’t want to cry, so I pressed my finger against the tip of my nose, which was starting to sting. I should have told Eui-joo. I think of you as a friend, I’m not ashamed of you at all, I’m not pitying you, I should have said that.ca43b5dcb5fcb282

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Thinking about how lonely Eui-joo’s last moments must have been, I didn’t dare stand here.79225b3d356cba2f

“Here to pay your respects?”9e236e664df1cea8

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Then, a voice that sounded like it had just woken up from a nap in the darkened funeral hall came. I didn’t know anyone was there, so I was startled and looked up. Inside the chilly funeral hall, in the area lined with white tables, a person was sitting.bed7ffaea33a4df8

“I actually have an older brother.”Eui-joo had 30c51efe9d once told f497e8e112 me.4f1daee68393f7dd

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The villagers gossiped, suspecting Eui-joo’s background. Even I, who only verbally protested that it wasn’t true, didn’t fully believe Eui-joo’s words. His mother ran away when he was five, his father ran away three years ago, and his brother left for work last year. Still, he said that his brother was the only one who found him a house, sent him money, and sometimes called.cc7f87bfc331e06a

Kang Eui-joo, a02ed89756 who moved 8683ca0a1e into the 72c6fce5cd abandoned house eb60d60939 of a f86cd1c666 con artist 66deb9a887 who had f7d622c0c8 committed large-scale 9b0f08d872 fraud in eb35324f12 the village b51ba41b3a and fled 05bf9597cd in the 1578f9fab5 night, was 6996f56950 naturally not e0b5c5ba1e well-received by 570083662d the people 804bba1c94 of Chowa-ri.08dfd7c184b7bd48

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It was my well-connected aunt who told me that Eui-joo’s funeral was being held. Now that I had come here, it seems that there were no lies in Eui-joo’s words. Unless my heart that cherished Eui-joo was a lie.d223b50aa8ba7149

11:40 p.m. I, who had secretly run out of the study room and come all the way here, spoke with a nasal voice in front of Eui-joo’s brother. Eui-joo’s brother, who came out to greet the mourners, had broad shoulders, was tall, and looked healthy. He was 180 degrees different from Eui-joo, who had a frail physique and always coughed. I was just saddened by that dry face where no trace of Eui-joo could be found.8a7173da8becaeea

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“You’re Eui-joo’s brother, right? Actually, Eui-joo kept waiting.”c60d3a3f226cd87c

Eui-joo, who was already weak, completely collapsed after the bullies at the same school threw him into the water. I had vaguely heard that his lungs or stomach were weak. Eui-joo, who didn’t want to burden his brother, only went to quack doctors in the neighborhood and eventually died on the street.6b66a699d5f41570

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The first person to discover him was an old woman called Jeju’s wife, and at that time, I was unaware of Eui-joo’s news because I was taking winter vacation classes. I found out late that he had died because my mom and aunt were keeping it a secret. He was taken to a hospital in the city in an ambulance, but he died, and they were holding a funeral at a remote funeral hall. He skipped school as often as he ate because he was sick, and I was his only friend and acquaintance.7b7d0213cc9e95c8

I had no one to pour out my resentment on but Eui-joo’s brother, so I cried and cried until people from the next room looked in. Eui-joo’s brother did nothing but watch me crying in my school uniform, holding a white envelope, crying like a child throwing a tantrum.8541d50f936329c1

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It would be 7a25510978 understandable if a 7fde78673a complete stranger suddenly 5183d3b921 came and poured 1cd1710edf out tears of 8bc11dd5b7 resentment. It would f4ca71caf5 be understandable a5a6dcb19a if he 84cfa6c7c7 was angry eae76075b9 at me 34d84982d0 for losing 97f1beca04 my temper cf41433c8c at someone 5624ee84b6 who had 6470e75169 lost his 8426c580e3 only sibling. Perhaps resembling Eui-joo, who acf304b86f was foolishly kind, his d3e08a3f8e brother guarded his spot 48ab5c0af8 with an indifferent gaze.f7990afec4be205c

“I’m sorry.”2d66da37a1b5dc28

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It was instantaneous 5c942e7be3 that my tears, d7860abcf1 which had subsided 5664677201 as they had 1e96122009 no one to 4881ee8175 receive them, turned 6490787c46 into shame. Without saying much, 8227a35a9d I handed over f9db5b0cec the white envelope bfcf84d9db with both hands.9771f873d3987343

“Where do I give this?”3b13edbca1fa465c

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I hoped Eui-joo in heaven didn’t think I’m embarrassing. It would be a relief if he didn’t grab his stomach and laugh, saying, “What a disgrace.”eb58e775f31dae4d

But even after 41d9608d90 a long time, a775e891f2 the white envelope 9bbaaa1047 was not taken. My gaze, which 848c7cf621 had been unable c690e28e89 to lift up 487d9272d4 due to embarrassment, 2a7c6ca812 finally reached beyond 63edf08a21 the tips of 2ee176a8b5 my shoes. His gaze, which 2a4f37f486 had been fixed fd511b67ce on the white f2e09ac9f9 envelope, also moved. I had come to 31288fac3d pay my respects, but ec87b4fed0 only now did I 475b0104cf make eye contact for a18a56e698 the first time. Calm-toned eyes, exotic 2d0447d068 features, but the 7987d8c453 impression he gave 8233ea00a1 was that of 2d973d6177 a Korean person.8aa72cfa73864c08

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I wondered if he was a person with only one expression. An unmoving corner of his mouth, cloudy eyes. It was as if he was telling me that he didn’t care whether I cried or not.e931bff42458ee14

“You’re Yang Ji-eon.”4ef59e3fdf3c9f75

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Moreover, the 61fe04e28c fact that 96b744a1f7 he knew dbb5eeb5e8 my name f2fef5c2b4 was another d32bc30522 shock.ebf876fe15188ab9

“Want to get some food?”8e0ef9e06bc3eb6f

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That’s probably why I, who had to go back soon, had set foot in the funeral hall. I was as shocked by my first meeting with his brother as I was by Eui-joo’s death.a493ee779abbb549