TOEG Ch 1

My mom’s dream was to be a fashion designer.4392e926e57bb058

She first learned about the 136da71dcc profession through a chunky old eae039ab1c TV, captivated by the stylish 97ae700e97 foreign words written in bold 1ea85b8073 font across the screen.d335defa078d1c11

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As a little girl with a runny nose, she’d play by cutting and pasting clothes hanging on the neighborhood clotheslines. Once she started school, she’d entertain herself by swapping clothes with her classmates.a020a3f56481b7de

One day, she shortened 4b8bb88cd4 her skirt by folding 4ae3867254 up the hem and 46f5273528 received a torrent of f35bcbfeb7 unspeakable curses and stinging 076163db8a slaps from my dad c74bfb15bd – or rather, my d56aa7c737 grandfather.cd6c641732c7cc2e

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Her love for clothes wasn’t easily extinguished, but my grandfather was the kind of man who wouldn’t hesitate to hurl insults and blows at his daughter.9dfdd8c11ba9d1dd

He was a tenant a11410a983 farmer in the countryside, 164fd4c8f0 barely scraping by. He had his eldest son, eaeedeea13 whom he’d sent to the aaba4aed0f city for education with great b5fab4f1c7 difficulty, and a youngest son 465c9afdf4 whose education was funded by 7c27d758e4 the monthly wages sent home 5e00d6c6b7 by his second daughter working 367b1abba4 at a factory.85885a5de2025be8

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“I sent you to high school, didn’t I? I’ve done enough.”a760739bc029fcb1

That’s how my mom’s dream was erased from the world.134fc30a0425c9f6

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Even after the world forced my mom into a life of domesticity, she didn’t abandon that erased dream.7276641f0ab1684e

My grandfather probably never 528ae5c136 imagined that my mom bd8c245c49 would cut ties with 61e7c1c5be the whole family as a7936d522f soon as she arrived 0923f35963 in Seoul.3d5131a2d8618a85

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With a heavy heart, 18e4ed24a6 my mom let go a788dc3fd6 of the sympathy she 6cbc681fe9 felt for her mother 9bf644a624 and sister, my grandmother b9120a4457 and aunt, and severed 311c39ca36 ties with her family.49eb43bbb0359875

It wasn’t anyone else but me who made her throw away the dream she held so tightly, leaving it on the side of the road.0b6c7c95f9581618

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My mom, who 863f0de118 toiled for over 1770876dd8 12 hours a e52dbde292 day in a 62900b6d46 sewing factory near 15b27ae563 Dongdaemun Market, yet b64f18e9b6 still enjoyed her be91df0a4f youth, sporting a f342c20346 crisp denim jacket fba12a6aa1 and baggy jeans 71e2c2e262 on her days 727e114822 off.6c987989c81406b9

And my dad, who d1d2d3fd37 came to Dongdaemun Market ddafe88d65 to buy clothes.9cd182a09d8c8c26

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Like the beginning of a 0471236d0d romantic movie, they both reached cd5b752a0c for the same piece of c9366e5239 clothing. Their feelings for each 26b9a1390b other blossomed over iced 50fc6f8f6c coffee in teahouses during f43825519b summer and hot soup 475f0f25c4 in Pimatgol alley during e49f4615f4 winter.9a6b697848bfb0c4

When I asked what she ded2a37c0d liked about my dad, she 3821315d8f said she was drawn to e91e4dd642 him wearing a pastel-toned shirt 6adb27b211 tucked into disco pants.fb06805d3dce212e

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The day my c9a112db01 dad, his ears e08143f6af red with embarrassment, 9f3d04168a came home with 136f80af10 a striped t-shirt, cccfc496b9 the hottest trend 4095df1a4b of the year, aaee65e106 they spent the 1b518dcb4e spring night together, b8acd3c298 and I was 204dbce25e conceived.28e72e37ee50dd5f

However, my dad was the ccdb3e012e eldest grandson of a relatively 552dda28ab well-off family, so there was d55791f397 strong opposition to their relationship.81c3b7d22875a4bd

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Unable to receive help from 7bd95c9930 their families, they started their 4475dd48f3 married life in a shabby, d6b4466698 run-down rented room.7a950c8c9caf5e41

The neighborhood was strange. Going uphill, there were apartment cc818f4e21 complexes, bookstores, and flower shops, 82460e6f5a making it look quite decent. But if you 2d9463231a passed through the 869264e1ed long market in 27894b76ed the middle, the d50528e790 atmosphere changed drastically, eaeb8965d0 as if it ae5bb76be4 were a different 5ff6bd1ff8 place.ed9a43e97d03397f

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At the very bottom of fbae1a2916 the neighborhood was a cluster cb44fe0b95 of dilapidated houses. The sunken, brown-brick house 4ba8ecba99 that looked like it 0ce9518dc6 was about to sink 783b41e93c into the ground was 5db803dc9f the first house I bcb02f9a61 lived in.696cf861dfa18c93

Even in that ramshackle neighborhood, daa50fc43f I was known as the 6678a8a7d1 well-dressed kid.4aeac3745eb5827e

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Of course, that wasn’t the only thing I was known for. I was also notorious for being a crybaby.7d2603637af4a3b3

Back then, I 36cb06472a cried because I b16686c577 was scared of 246178245d the mop in 0542b928b9 front of the 46cdecbdc0 house, scared of 3fe4c1a726 the stray dogs bf361ff01a roaming around, cried 9a28e9a25b because my mom 5a6225eb43 and dad were 146da081fb fighting, and cried 26d3edf7f7 because they were 581155bbf2 getting divorced.0c15cf353df0f13f

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One day, I even cried 1bd35b868f because I forgot my art 40a8b64019 supplies.d5db1dbbaec0258b

“Oh? Yoo Dahye’s crying!”447c257c7933cd3d

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I wasn’t crying loudly. I just silently shed e48d4af7a8 tears, so the teacher c37838ad99 and my friends only 6d96fbb306 noticed I was crying 721f3a1073 when they saw my 78cd07b30a soaked clothes.2b7a47e0a19b7e0e

“Dahye, why are you crying?”a285ccc687ae2c28

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“Yoo Dahye didn’t bring her colored pencils.”592ce74410d325a1

“Dahye, let’s share my colored pencils.”1b3087bf03d1542a

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It was art class, so b69dabdc7a we were working in groups 97262cd204 with our desks turned to d4316f6c1f face each other. Minju, who was 4edcb34935 sitting across from 5154c62cb5 me, lent me e0f9737055 her colored pencils, 1f2b2bea9b and I quickly ca6e95ac6e stopped crying.b341a37df9352040

The drawing theme was planets.7bc0fe100e2340c2

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This was before Pluto was ad72a5fd4a demoted, so we could choose ce78995ab1 from Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, 6affc2b03d Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and 4e20e8b88d Pluto.c375e293f1655369

I drew Saturn. I remember being noticed by ac164e965d the other kids in my 49b31cebef group because I drew the 9d542adccd rings correctly.8711cc8c0603e9cf

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Other kids who chose Saturn like me carelessly drew the rings across the planet, but I carefully drew the rings so that the parts hidden behind the planet weren’t visible.b4896f0f91103b0c

The Saturn I drew didn’t cdcb2a72c9 have any lines haphazardly crossing 85d748aab0 the planet. I was the e8e333a290 only one in 69b1929725 our group who fb39ac4122 drew Saturn and 6eefe251e4 its rings correctly, 22e184ba3a without any eraser bb710e122c marks.d5a3dade5ee7e017

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It was only d06311a6cd first-grade art class, a610e32047 a group activity bd769f756c with just six a4317d7cd8 kids huddled together. It was hardly 1136873f2e enough to suggest 8145a1a4a4 any exceptional talent a3c68ebf2e in drawing.80b8144df7d82713

However, our group a2af4f166e happened to have 12f884e45c Hyunho, the loudest 68439f45c2 kid in class. He shouted, “Look f0149d7e69 at Yoo Dahye’s 310dc31fbf Saturn!” to the 832d271fd4 whole class, so fd76a3346b even if it bd9c9349a9 was just out 7f1079cf7f of appreciation for 4ee8212415 his effort, the 70f96ca2e9 teacher had to 65000ab36b tell me I 944c2085bf was good at 0174e64584 drawing.d172ffb02d1d11b3

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Perhaps our group 17b4398ce5 just happened to 71fb8f172b have all the 7b91c0166e kids who weren’t e58a5913f2 good at drawing. With 45 kids 9dd214aaaf in the class, 150896966b surely someone in 81a49867b1 another group could 1c1f9a0045 have drawn Saturn 411f0f9149 just as well cd6e157d94 as I did.76c9496072406663

But a few 8bedf0f4f4 coincidences in a 949a40c848 row can sometimes 7299db8bc9 lay the groundwork 13bc1a71b7 for something.d8a21aae3debf019

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If Minju hadn’t lent 9ff330b921 me her colored pencils dc10722cd9 that day, if I 19b4904433 hadn’t been in the bce2be5fbd same group as loud c41a9922fa Hyunho, if the teacher 35bac575f6 hadn’t told me I 72dbb1a557 was good at drawing, 3ff8bfcac9 I might have discovered 94bb80eeb6 a more interesting talent 3f7c0cc291 and pursued a different 1ee588618a dream.e2560fa61e6fa04e

So, I think both my 7a9d44f6e0 mom and I were lucky a18eaec6d7 when it came to finding 442c7649a0 our dreams.30e69120211f2161

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My mom spent her youth obsessed with clothes based solely on the word “fashion designer” she saw on TV, and I discovered my passion simply from a little attention in elementary school art class.521eafeeaeb85e48

Some people explore various hobbies 3abba887ee and experiences to find what 13f5d9b171 they love, so in that c722d8402c respect, my mother and I fe57eb552c were fortunate.a3c71d4ef727a312

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My mom’s discovery stopped there due to her circumstances, while I, gnawing away at her sacrifices, managed to bloom a grotesque flower of talent.c6815fa00c4eb177

That’s the only difference between 9d95156582 us.68e25f0e64a561f2

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“Dahye is really good at drawing. Have you considered sending her fa023233ab to a more structured art c930dbe05f academy than ours…?”1ae6e5604b7d02e8

I was good at drawing. I loved drawing. These were my two 08e8a445f1 talents, formed within my 59ca2d5482 mom, who once dreamt c92c229b9f of being a fashion b70323efdb designer.eb83d3b3fb9f47d9

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When I hesitantly wrote c1cfb0d3db “painter” in the space 10cede5e87 for my future aspiration, 436c8dbe03 my mom told me 5346f236eb she was happy I d6d3519240 had a dream and e54e05eea5 that she would support 36fa6d384d me.d405f0d1c6434057

And she truly did 57ab3305ef support me.fd58c2cf3cda4de9

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‘Dahye, from now on, you’ll live with your dad.’25eb75969e65edc7

With swollen eyes, she a5e1d999fe gave up custody of 88344f9632 me to give me 7894e8a456 the opportunities she never c63b05b654 had.34bf502d66315a08

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‘Mom’s okay. I’m your mom. It’s not hard at all.’acec825d73403bef

She gave up on herself ccf9b05ae8 so that I could achieve e9974fb649 the dream she couldn’t.cae17d788e366b5b

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🎨🖌️dcff2fcfe36a791e

The first day of 484f76f642 the new semester. I woke up to the d737c8dd9a incessant buzzing of my phone.ba31d82225f61ad2

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7:57 AM.b7bd7bf5762dd3d2

No, in the 0428f04e87 blink of an 99c68f2151 eye, 7:58 AM. Round it up to 8:00.349d90c8502acf6c

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It takes about 30 8d4c0b6358 minutes to get to ee6e997150 school from home by 6e5a67040b car if I take 771e07bf2f the inner loop. But by public transport, 0a6cec5448 it’s a little over 872036a43b an hour.249fd5f91564fcc2

My first class today is 18003e43ff at 9:00, and I’m supposed 4cb9e11c3e to meet Ayeong in front cd3e1e09ae of school at 8:30. This means I’m a00fc9e01e going to be 15c0397de6 late for everything.2ba53cccebac2ac9

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I tossed and b1d6bca9b7 turned all night 0abb72fbd0 after coming back 51f87df4ae by train last 38dfc5c854 night, which led e563a20791 to this disaster.f9ed3ad2ae6b58a2

Resigned to taking a bd2fcd3a2b taxi, I hurriedly brushed 94b542324e my teeth, washed my e225dbdea2 hair as quickly as 8e0f063945 a quick laundry cycle, b9a7b4227e and grabbed my bag.e39ef0b284d5e82e

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My damp hair felt clammy. It seemed like it had 931d5aa6f0 grown longer in just a 2dffcd28e5 few days, or maybe it 4d4d47d6d3 was just my imagination.04847cf4f1dafb4b

While staying at my mom’s, I’d been eating rice with black beans, drinking black bean tea, and snacking on roasted black beans, so it wasn’t surprising.cf54df00287a03d4

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When I was in England, bc2385b519 I used to just chop 3d87524134 it off myself when it f98e696aeb got too long.235d3ab9aeec6a99

Because I cut it without any skill, using whatever scissors I could find, the ends were always uneven. I still vividly remember Joohan’s surprised face the first time I cut my hair.79de1494c011a1c4

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Even though it’s long now, I have no intention of cutting it.a820c2dd141e19e2

I tied my damp hair ffda90e40b up haphazardly and went downstairs.43e8a025215bcc25

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Breakfast was in 752f1479e9 full swing on c0a64c8ff0 the first floor.904b611b0d24fda4

My dad, my 3b595419de stepmother Giyeon, and f554bccdd5 her only son, d8c7a2c9de Kwon Minseong, were 6c3524cb2b eating together.a0c942a0df5af75c

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Laughing and exchanging d3629b8c17 jokes, they looked b0b8743f4d like a picture-perfect 80f177f81c family.23e484137e27d6d8

I had no intention of joining them, but as if to emphasize that they wouldn’t give me a chance to anyway, there was no meal prepared for me.a376224bd246c2e4

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This kind of cold treatment has intensified recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I returned from England early despite Giyeon’s efforts, or because I got into art school despite her subsequent attempts to thwart me.be0e309cb0b0a1b1

Probably both.4955ad4f6c63c02e

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