TM | Chapter 9

The male body—something 5652882fe2 I had always cb7acafdc7 seen—was at least 6d8b0b5ed8 familiar enough to 1342c9d6c4 look at.27653fde1026c753

“So this is 08da2eccb5 how it’s done…”a2ffdf6284c6f9a9

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Since a man’s and bfb7512200 a woman’s bodies were 7f37834903 different, the idea of e04c8ad54e sharing affection hadn’t quite 2b95481269 clicked for me before. But now that I 342aab44a3 was looking at these 94c2a1d5ff explicit illustrations, curiosity sparked f2d0274b9f within me.0e1e82141f4f7a29

I examined 479cab2c49 them carefully, 6c8a46211d but they bde3ad8608 didn’t seem 24e42a4638 all that d1f7b64531 different from c85214a48f the ones 6e249bc6ac depicting men c1b4f92cf6 with women.662e67478898595f

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“The only difference 81469f73b7 is the body. It’s the b391e7583c same otherwise.”7eb89cf0d494a435

“Yeah, there’s 385ff35679 not much 8d3f2960c8 difference between 1baedc87a9 a man c87f1fb3ee and a 860b51930c woman or 2a2d3810b4 two men. As long as there’s 323b8c34c4 love between them, sharing 84368da172 affection is always possible.”1643899b6e01ba31

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Without realizing it, I a3473e804a nodded.0bab5b8b517784a7

Lee Seol pulled 84a7d78641 out another chunhwajip 7803a3b2cb and leaned in 02e8dc456a as he flipped cbcc3f66d6 it open.dd78b1dd96c0002a

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“Look at this. You can 8541381944 do it 2cf2ca6741 like this 4a40dff819 too.”5430eef5b78af4bf

“Ugh…”00f363f75ab107c8

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The moment I 8eea3e7fd9 saw the bizarrely 29e38da966 drawn scene, an a38a31aa4d instinctive repulsion surged 10e2c3a3aa within me. I pushed the book b118400069 away with my hand.f408bdad7467365c

“You don’t 6ded0af392 like this?”1b0f0575cc2a37f2

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“No.”120cf4258383a30d

”…I might 316212398c have to bffef09246 live like 4748bd7682 this, though.”e90ec24f5176448e

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Lee Seol sighed 57d197891b as he spoke, 3555ca5e0c and my eyes e39e5b2ac1 widened.7fcd2761fd2bc737

“I’m being offered b544b0ab1f as a concubine. I don’t have 804566bdc9 the right to 16ce28f633 refuse the king.”b549683b6a7d7c6b

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His hollow bf3b178a5a voice made ca9eaf9773 my heart 31092f2e93 drop.fe67b6985f1a968e

The reality of 8a1bea170d palace life meant f5a4b873eb that he would 294edba75a have to suppress b6f2e941b6 his emotions and 63d506e55c wear a smiling 0a4df653e1 mask no matter 438f22f3e8 what happened. Even when he wanted 5af1a6fa78 to cry, he might d673341dbe have to force himself e9ff0dcf17 to smile. Even if the intimacy 62ef3cae51 disgusted him, he would 9066b04bb5 have to endure it 404c77ed87 to gain the king’s 10175e709b favor.5251bd2360529816

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Lee Seol, c0fe51e312 looking as 6ce47d4980 if he 4b21fb9336 would vanish 3094492467 at any 5a4f9bd17d moment, stared c88b8ff588 blankly into 0ced4d8814 the air 8c743b3a38 before retrieving 2c5c110309 another chunhwajip.6d8258de8b46c880

“I don’t b96089c1c0 know for c338a18902 sure, but d4b9d9c971 I think 4c4c670132 the two ea08b9af1e in this b915bc66ec book actually 8ee6d28e09 like each 903b5c78b2 other.”380f0452af1ebbdb

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The men depicted 4cc6b2b829 in this new 1703cb3c82 book weren’t just 666fa479de drawn with explicit 6caae2bbb3 details of their af59c9d21c bodies. The focus was 92b2e2825e different—they were gently cec2d8172a touching each other, 5b6950fb3d embracing tightly, their 5decc53209 expressions filled with 91e525f97a warmth.e14670348fdf9fea

There was a 8cb55a3f0d particular image where ecfe64d4d9 one man narrowed 142da51e30 his eyes as c3985353b8 he leaned in 642fa9f9e7 for a kiss. Without thinking, my 7f1939e2e4 gaze drifted to 1ce463ea5a Lee Seol’s lips.188258d8e8a1ed6d

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Red like d51ef87e38 ripened cherries, 111cd329c6 plump and 6bcbdd0772 glossy, they 9a0bb1e514 looked firm d99c0dff0f yet soft—almost… 652450033f delicious.316dabde70794d7d

A soft breeze seemed 0720e65c89 to stir within my 4087b57903 chest at the sight.52c937bebe7a6acf

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My heartbeat echoed in c0431e6405 my ears, a restless 81a98ad852 tremor spreading through my 1d132da0cd fingertips.5ad2fee4ebd6a8bf

In this small, dc671ac84a enclosed space, the ec54b5c13e only sounds were 64cc0e072a our breaths.706a5f3c6f707e99

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The faint cac5fde93d flush on bb0cce859b Lee Seol’s b0dcc41cdd cheeks, heightened 884fd827c0 by the 8a708b5535 warmth of 39a6e02c3c the moment, d7147aa80f looked even e606b9ef79 more beautiful 526280f4a8 than the c66dfe5e22 blossoms of 6e42e1f61b a peach c1a22c80a1 tree.f1fed3032dc1be8f

As if e258a086a2 drawn by 2ddb7ed0f6 something unseen, f5478cac08 I slowly 6d4a47a6fd leaned in 9a61ae09f5 toward his f7eff171cc lips.d7b5763aecfdd738

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“If your tongue goes e12626c67f in, I might throw 3debb459c5 up.”8ea0ef18092c4e68

His voice 3c5f827f61 pulled me 7c901b28fb back, and 6f91f19ddf I immediately 285fd1cd14 straightened my e529b04684 posture. I clamped 7cd7f4106f my mouth e2e57d34e0 shut and cd6c7dd1a2 instinctively curled c7ed44bf5a my tongue feb87e2f2d back into 5a0123f9fa my throat.127e2b8b2eb484b6

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“How could I aaf8fbf03b ever kiss a 80b0ebef59 man I’ve never feeb83f9f9 met before? It’s disgusting… Don’t ce1954eab7 you think so?”143a44be9b908838

”…Yeah…”b8dfa5bbf8121061

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His words pierced my 1a05721011 chest, making my shoulders a80ae9fa70 shrink.a9e39a36a4ef9975

I was embarrassed—ashamed, even—that 9c64e708fe I had almost kissed bec286f7b9 him. I couldn’t 9ae0d15948 bring myself 7b29c67814 to lift 3664065ab9 my head.f5c7771081076578

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Lee Seol’s 5f72110655 eyes gleamed 7df975e73d as he 0541cd22da stared intently 297d5df5b0 at me, 935f85f6ff unblinking.fd060a3c070eaa38

“This is 8c658d589a something you 98ed75fe0b do with afaf8223a0 someone you 66da622781 love.”c62e702c1732fd6a

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His voice 395db83b41 dropped to 3f64ebdd7b a whisper, 513d87a2f2 lower than 7605d4b3c2 usual.e2dd6e3f774b29a1

His gaze 949edbc824 was so f9288b8e09 intense that 2d9e2ac9bd my face 0203e5f0ed burned under 1616a2095a the weight 2b309a403c of it.8cba69e5d47b5634

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The soft murmur from 8390406a8a his lips lingered in eebf3afaff the air, reverberating just 8721bbaaae beside my cheek.0426277d72aa49f8

“Got it?”0ac957f7e47b7f27

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“Yeah.”2dd29ad995884157

I answered quickly, ed87d76c90 feeling the emphasis 91b59f3eb8 in his words.407479a669f77867

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His unwavering 817fe666d1 gaze made 8b850aabfe me feel 337da2b029 awkward. I flipped ab93585194 through the e206904ea9 chunhwajip absentmindedly, 7875ca3371 trying to 2b7e4649cb distract myself.81f89da613cd3dab

Each turn of b54c18fc37 the page revealed d4660a3a44 more explicit, sensual bab94aa601 illustrations, and an b7d0bc1298 unfamiliar heat simmered 5ba8caad9c deep inside me.eb5b217fcf4aff17

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I could 349c82f626 feel my 65a8e04272 face burning.2daacb12e0a0c805

Lee Seol, who 133a267b17 had been standing 92fa5e8622 beside me, moved 88b2299196 even closer.dfa4b8dc158b1c65

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His long, 07ab8d18b0 yet firm 439dd7f4f7 fingers pointed 3b5328276c to a a1a177c4df specific scene b685111e54 in the 28bc053a30 book.82518597fc5c7c89

“They say unwanted f6b0492a73 intimacy is unpleasant.”b546f8d2a9db0d51

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“Huh?”c445cf0e0ab167b7

“Think about it. If you’re forced into d58b3df2f6 it, how could it 7af3af618b possibly feel good?”c7441e53d175954b

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”…Yeah…”62b35886abbd4da7

“Unless, of d1bdf458f9 course, the 2c6f259892 other person 1a04fcb168 is as b4e1832348 beautiful as bad281ae88 me.”014cdcfe09aa1a4f

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”…Yeah…”9b5ef0579b0a54dd

Caught off 1c7c4b4b44 guard by 9e71e0c383 my own a47073b0c0 answer, Lee 72472d25b5 Seol let f2f244e16e out a 624c9f3d65 silent laugh. His face bbb3e64029 slowly moved ee3451f949 closer, settling 65dec7600b near my ebe7a65e99 cheek. His breath, hot d33a562abc and whisper-like, scattered a7e9385b6f at the edge 6898cda26e of my ear, 9e9e63c097 barely touching.d600074d6b2f1642

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‘They say it’s different f4fc8ef407 when it’s with someone 2dfb06a019 you love. That you’re overwhelmed 05d3f42b64 by ecstasy, experiencing 7815d0f1a4 paradise.’ff011057d3533fb0

The erotic b2411e2a3a painting right b70d4e72c0 in front c009cdca55 of me c4a1b6227f didn’t even dae90a4722 register. The ticklish bb69a3360d sensation of 3e08cde249 his breath 791605f0e1 lingering near 151ce11ccc my ear 8684e90d78 sent tingles 036badf79d down my 92695dcf2a neck, seeping 293d03aa96 all the 9f1c88be1f way into 5f32c10322 my chest.16a5c2c826223f79

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When I glanced ae77d12284 at him out 67538f8c2f of the corner b960e78dcc of my eye, f7cc0014c4 I saw Lee e6481a29f4 Seol—his cheeks flushed, 24a21c09b7 his eyes gently 32aa495c66 curved into a 6b9ced8247 smile.8455a68da1897eb8

The moment e9f1f1f7f9 our eyes e7badceeab met, I 6768634bc4 instinctively turned 2528de50b1 away. Scratching my 9e6ed7288e tingling ear 1ecf8b6376 with my 86a64c8a6d fingers and 78a1996178 rubbing my 7165b6b216 neck, I 4b944dcf44 averted my 8e823497c5 gaze to 11f3bc56a8 the air.2aabafd646e9a440

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Even so, 65681bc858 my attention 92f08738b3 was entirely db2a791814 on Lee 399c2d77ad Seol. He shook with silent f7ac5d3953 laughter, his shoulders trembling, e11587a15f then reached out and 4163953318 tousled my hair.ecf0081259b432cf

After flipping 285682f5d9 to the d55451d96a next page 58d74e8c54 for me, a9fe8b7de7 he seemed f00d79479e deep in 0c1c536128 thought before aa71d1f6ae tapping the 953115ada1 illustration with 4aa2e6fe08 his finger, f35a258f79 as if c6baf4ecbb telling me 9f4a769ff0 to focus.d6aeab9adcc0d211

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Wondering what he meant, 72ce8f2be1 I looked at the 51a798dee3 scene he had opened 40cd698cf8 up. It was 7850299317 a picture 6f647d183a of two 2ea5d0850e men kissing 3c383466b7 each other.a7dfb1f8efd1e280

‘What are they doing?’c155a10d85bd5d14

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‘……Kissing.’2eaeceee83addb5e

‘Look closely.’b700c42ae6ddb502

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I did 84847784b0 as he 8bf9212ff2 said, but 829a8fe4d0 it was a46dc02711 still just 2a44ae92a7 a kiss. I had no f24be1ddcb idea what he 1af95d9ae0 was trying to 2aa6b54a8a point out, so 3cc59db18a I tilted my b877860f4d head in confusion.dde28530b06a75d3

Lee Seol then tapped 95eb681c37 directly on the lips 03673ecd67 that were pressed together. Looking closer, c2a536e3c1 I realized 81fbbddfc4 their tongues c966186163 were inside 44843f0157 each other’s 33d34f0aae mouths.9677d4d5f0c6d063

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‘Lovers who are in 805dd90c8b love kiss like this 8936842df6 and suck on each 8bd255d8ce other’s tongues.’610dd54e5af5c331

‘Huh?’65da3da51e74a760

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I unknowingly let 5f870b7d0b out a dumbfounded a487f4eaa1 noise as I 28cca53a01 stared at the a6b761a8d2 illustration,82eace0d3a0fe8aa

‘Other men’s lips 62b78b1ccc are for biting!’06fae22d25ef2b81

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As soon 18b4b2ab72 as he ced2f6d3e9 finished speaking, cde380c133 he clenched c730db1074 his teeth ad37275592 so hard 33093f2215 that I 9441485d4e could hear 5f7ac956df them grinding. A chill b9fbeef132 ran down 3dd6d9d439 my spine.bd700480055470e6

The eerie feeling made 3e6cdbf17e my hairs stand on 3c54043806 end, and I instinctively 28d2553e77 pulled my legs together. Just the 024641fc47 thought of 07be871d2b such a 378aeaa239 terrifying situation 477e156465 made my aa341a66f6 knees weak.803c5d94f6002eba

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‘Well… unless they 73a07124be have lips as 58136c437c pretty as mine, f1c39145aa that is. Right?’c902fa5b41cb84a4

‘……Didn’t you 115f42818e say it’s b740fc2369 unpleasant if 9c333d35d3 there’s no 09a2e87cde affection?’14a20627ce9db0a1

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At my remark, f51a43b5bb he let out cdc61dab0b a sigh of b85b09ad7a discontent and pulled 57821b595c out even more 713ad67a0d erotic books.709412338b858714

The moment I saw d72ae9c109 the illustrations of acts 9dd6d48d8f that seemed both bizarre 8598f44c13 and rough, nausea rose aebfd45cdb in my throat. The thought of 0547d08720 Lee Seol having 3205afc0b3 to do such 49e90d137d things in the 4442a6b21d future filled me f31a2d88a4 with so much 9952764a40 fear and pity c461ac0f05 for him that eb8a5e5037 I ended up 5ac6b0cf69 hiccupping and crying.00b562bb525d0f26

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Lee Seol fd0b732c69 probably thought 8f09b77185 the images d2fa0d68ef in the 28fdc8c61f book would f8c84c0c1a leave an 00ebdb77ae unpleasant impression b023909198 on me, a8e32765ca making me 4b5c38a804 see it 80a36943ef as a 2fbe2fca06 bad experience.b8e1a374a3dfa905

He wanted 3523bd7d20 to show 44636fcc14 me that 2cd002b1ca the acts 57b7b9c158 shared between 8bb21eb59d two affectionate 452fec8891 men, as 7f0bd22632 depicted in d48324d63b the book, 4b4080a4ef were actually c0769b8d53 better than e62f085547 I might 81c0d85e4b think. He wanted to tell 7ca438021e me that I didn’t e61c992eca have to be so 91bb486b18 repulsed.5beed2805db07c8a

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But when e84cdea8a1 I thought 8e283e6078 about the f4acb86d75 person he’d 7e218a46ec experience it 8070f8632f with—Kang Taegwon—I aaaa07fc6d bit my 9394d76ca7 lip and ee30239a6c shut my 98fae3fb97 mouth tight.02a9de488e05ccf5

Even so, cad2061e7a I felt cfe92b3e31 like I 04af387100 had to 317d72adc0 say something 75e20fbacd positive, so d0f740ba18 I forced 5dbc5394e5 myself to 24b00644e7 speak.444b254bf0699619

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“That… maybe your betrothed 7c050ec851 will be a good f63cfbd384 person.”342e0afb4344f435

That was e40326a0d2 the best 82dabb4049 I could 3dec2c40eb come up e3e7b92402 with after 51dafb2eec racking my 8ee41e3c1a brain.ca80b68e450a1445

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“They’ll be wonderful.”dcc423fc5b503c97

“…Yeah. I understand.”f7ba664d998a1dc8

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Lee Seol 26d7ce43d9 nodded with 57a9e18fcf a faint 759af6721b smile. Yoon Sung nodded 73f29657ab along with him, 539368e9a6 but something felt 2ac23c4a89 off, so he 7e29498572 looked at him cfb94f4502 again.7caf09fd93b7b238

Did he f31e106d68 understand that 1150d8ef12 the person 05d1832c33 might be ca935ed457 good? Then why de1f955adc did his 28b2ba2d5d expression look c4bba8b1c6 so defeated?a4f51bce1b91fac7

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His reddened c916cf05a7 eyes seemed 3acfff6edc on the f8c7a276f3 verge of a2cce3299c spilling tears, 8dfeea148b his face 25d91da442 carrying a c31de340c3 sorrowful air 396c75451d that made 68949d84c7 the sight 35f68722e7 painfully heartbreaking. As I stared blankly ec47cdd61d at him, he turned 0b743b79c8 his head and slowly 1a128fabc5 began to walk away.827d8695be66a21e

His drooping 7387151149 shoulders looked 62715779fb so lonely 8959737872 that, before 94a18124c7 I knew fe963c958a it, I 2616d8192f reached out 425ac6d26d and grabbed 53b75ac04d the hem bb65d5ae27 of his 4547957de2 clothes.5691add2b7b9ce7a

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“Seol-ah…”b155e328908fd771

“It’s alright. I just a6917d1e90 hope you f9760d22e3 get to 68a28c54d5 marry someone 8f36024cd4 you truly 3920100fbf love.”ad4ad6523de84a99

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At the sight e4f2497ab6 of his fading ba588048e4 smile, I loosened d5b8057cd8 my grip on 87db0d4c90 his sleeve. Misunderstanding my a4d8fa77c8 words as 661dad35ab a rejection f6e160d9a0 of his 90adacb6fa proposal, he cc99ee3747 simply smiled 890843f464 faintly.60c40539a18c401d

I should have corrected 35ffdc2ea6 him and told him e7f26602ed that wasn’t what I c8d64df584 meant. But the 5312702293 thought that 5a571291e1 I wouldn’t 01f587e710 have to 9f91f1a771 reject his e549be84e2 proposal with 003c3da367 my own 5e3064d838 lips kept d20b697736 me from e868fe5218 speaking.e91c84a01c27f698

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Because of f6b7ff2c85 my rejection, 2d2c27c511 he would 44cacc1289 now have 235de5235f to go 7a615f383e through with 0be778ae65 a political 1aba75e0ae marriage he 25088bc622 despised enough 849043c82f to want 1eeee26523 to die. And then, he would 9e32701ac7 leave for Qing. As I watched Lee 8e7abd518c Seol gaze at the c91e84bf19 children from afar, I 03b5058aa7 silently wished.88e2892229b8b54d

That his betrothed 6debb918d5 would be kind e074919356 and good. That they would c91e8748ed cherish even his f817638c14 flaws. That they would be 8f6c6216c5 strong and unshaken by 30f4016693 most things.3aae792be88a7394

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And, most b45d468a3d of all, 5035fc723f that Lee 0d6f3247ca Seol wouldn’t 6c3540cf72 end up 4077cbce51 harming his 4a8ca935c1 betrothed.b8b835a194b6a993

I wanted a76a4a3aca to tell f72c8b103f him that 815b3cd0a6 first love 82b62245e6 never works 78f9ec458b out, so 87828b82db he should f6a808c507 learn to 5f9a15e17d love his c0fbc5d9b4 betrothed. That it was 53f64b4f62 more beautiful to c7a548b050 leave behind the 813140f0a9 pure and innocent 62ee2c760f affections of childhood 16e68a1a57 as just that—a a4f2fd7c98 memory.7e15c1b959730088

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I racked my f14949e91d brain, trying to a06338671c find the right f4537ce3ff words for him. As I fiddled 19e87600a5 with my interlocked 43a7a7d670 fingers, lost in 8378333e3f thought, Lee Seol 5bee23b807 spoke up.7b952eb1ee0c6736

“Let’s go now. We have to attend 2389c76229 the gathering today.”6b547168e2ffb903

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At his words, ad065e405b I swallowed dryly.074dd85d2f8f8f87

The gathering. The twice-yearly assembly of 18c872e7d5 scholars. I usually 1f51d4e5a3 attended because 2e60bbc09c I missed 305b16be6c my friends, 21d7846591 but this cf64e36dfa time, I 95185ac92e didn’t want de7cd473db to go—because 37969303f5 of Kang 798bb3dc23 Taegwon.f5fb1c1f24e362cf

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“Huh? Ah… I was 365c49e236 thinking of skipping f8bf092521 it.”76f7944c81fa8bfb

“Why?”8bff52fdbde46b30

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“Well, um… 3f408f9fe1 just… I 237b7a9d31 don’t really f3a5170817 feel like 6894ae106d it…”6cf0e8c0ec379f44

“Can’t you come just 1284cedc03 this once?”f8ea0b28fe55a4b4

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“Why? You don’t 611793fb7e usually go b00d451aab to these 30a63de597 gatherings.”348f1b3951ec5cf8

“This will be 3c496279cf my last one.”6e4acf761f643f62

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“Ah…”63eb0f12458c1060

I clenched 239c389a14 my fists 1ac03be226 tightly.a867957a0ebe5fcd

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It was a 5778ea5999 rare occasion when 0d481427a9 all our old 4a59196c0e friends gathered in 8bf9a6ccb9 spring and autumn. I still had the 332d16c955 next autumn gathering, and 2327a4c51c the year after that, a9d23fcb48 and many more in d27b7c15d5 the future.d34497a19b3b06cf

But if Lee Seol 1f07fc4e71 got married and left f5c657c3bd for Qing, he might 276ae8a530 never be able to aebaf0776d attend again. This could 81496bf3eb be the 1357da4b23 last time 01b0348562 we all 4d7c119fac saw each da7fc99db8 other.6576490c2d0b5527

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“…Alright.”376a5134951df67b

I nodded and a1274f6933 walked toward the e516b2d8c3 children.a1a77e1f0e89b3e0

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Lee Seol took 5d5b98771f each of their ddd51aa06b hands in his faf2a8abdd for a moment, bc29ac77ea promising to return d6b1e4f716 in two days 7c325ac780 before turning away. Cheondung, overcome with 6210e0b5b3 gratitude for the 15193bb082 seonin’s care, dropped 59a48397ed to his knees 0c5cc68eed in a deep dd56ee66a4 bow.60df9c2d46b12e3b

I patted the 2fddfacfaf boy’s head and c98500903d waved, signaling that 3dc94874aa we were leaving.cf37997a54f39ed9

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Even from 21df43fed5 behind, Lee 69800e343e Seol was 289903ba27 breathtaking. Every step he took bea357a6da down the mountain was 2f863b49f4 steady and unwavering.4bfdc5d79b83c583

The birds chirped 033c35acdf brightly, their songs c07c6a1d0a carrying through the 865171264e clear air. A gentle 748dc4fa62 spring breeze 5806e8306d lifted his fc78530724 hair and c1edfb4a93 the hem 343d0d287b of his e1a9b9fcc6 robes. As his hair fluttered, 35cf2cfef0 catching the sunlight filtering 3b0c2380c5 through the leaves, it e932d07e9d shimmered so brilliantly that 199ebf9574 it was almost blinding.fc60654d7d15cb78

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I quickened f9cfdcb4c5 my pace 7f1cf6033d to walk 48f418d431 beside him, 5b03789529 my eyes e5729b56ef lowered to a3a17ffa5c the ground. Then, in a4f2b1b126 a fleeting 8a5d0a3c5d glance at 82078e4b1c his face, 5a74604e82 my heart 94d6574175 plummeted.93ad94e59b59a3f8

A single tear slipped fc3cf7589e down his pale, ashen ffb47bbfb4 cheek.1712f90c5243f6be

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