TIEH | Chapter 21

Thanks to using the direct magic circle, Calix had some free time and decided to stay for a few days. The Duke didn’t actively prevent Calix from interacting with us, which was a big help. The Liddell Marquisate wasn’t a bad background for making friends, and if they were going to stop it, they wouldn’t have sent him here for recuperation in the first place.58b2b7d6c5c8f6da

The room Calix used during his recuperation wasn’t removed even after he left for the duchy. Even when I strongly declared I wouldn’t meet Calix anymore, it remained. Maybe my parents foresaw this situation.1a00710b4ee1ad31

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Anyway, Calix, delighted eb1ee5bf5f to find his aa530f7edc room still there, 0852978eb1 came to my 563c136ed1 room as soon 2b2b8fd1f8 as I woke 2179897e5b up. It seemed b616db2e6c he had 6db3b48eac told the 06cd3f5228 staff to 8b652c01ac inform him fc28c530dc when I 22e620cb96 was awake, 0f4e55f9f9 as his e97506f32e timing was 83526140c6 impeccable.1a91bc18f5c5ae3f

“Jayden, good morning.”6f8cfdbcd102621d

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“…Yeah.”c871169a3c7994ce

Calix seemed puzzled by my more indifferent greeting than yesterday, but this was the best I could do. I wasn’t feeling well from the moment I opened my eyes.4a3dfcb106eae95e

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I felt nauseous as if I had severe motion sickness, and without the medicine Hemel would soon bring, I wouldn’t be able to eat.902eb1c099c05be4

In fact, I felt like I couldn’t even sit up, so I was about to tell Calix I wanted to rest alone today when suddenly my hands and feet went cold.ea5f0f246d804c88

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“Jayden?”f0b2b0020eed516b

As Calix, a585194478 alarmed by ff34c7aa71 my pale 8fa329e589 complexion, placed d0a8935837 a hand c9a3a9742f on my ba9d4cb32c shoulder, my 9de2021ba6 breath quickened, 8ae81358d3 and my 661cd28dc5 vision spun. Something boiling inside 7dafa325d1 me surged up af049477e4 my throat.e41d23313b404f0d

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“Ugh-”7409691d4518b54a

Unable to 3c0914028c suppress the b70dc16b38 nausea, I c64cefbfe3 vomited blood. The metallic taste filling 9236185829 my mouth and the d6dae5e309 burning sensation along its c65b256989 path seemed horrifying, but 27d561d3aa I knew it would f257b78058 soon pass. Vomiting blood d0bd1c0c40 was just c590d77155 a routine 893db5dd61 reminder that eea29a40f6 my body 9e447ddcf2 was naturally b94e8be037 deteriorating.359c32eea75132aa

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But seeing 86c6ecc3bc this for 910f01956c the first 96b9e1c8b1 time, Calix 2c99a7a843 froze, unable 34b3a301a6 to react.86d522d881f298db

While Calix was frozen, 77eadb6153 Hemel, who had come 9e6913094d to give me my a0ae08673c morning medicine, assessed the b7cabfb84d situation and called for 92941d0f69 a servant. This happened often, so 26220ba8cd the servants, without panic, bd3b615818 changed my bedding and 4d0c798db4 brought me fresh clothes. The only c757c8178b one in de4825fb5b a panic ba5c9e3390 was Calix.a29cb52442e4c37c

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“Young master, could you please step out for the young master’s treatment?”95a2f8456a0beb22

But Calix, 47e0b8b783 as if 7194752307 in a 3cde76ed11 daze, only 705cd1c27b moved his c48b245bd2 lips without aad3e5393c answering, so 9b4ade91c8 Hemel instructed 83c2a5355b the servant 4da86c4baa to escort a63ede1ff7 him out. It was more like 53368f531b dragging him out. It was 9d10d75a88 rude, but acf89ac279 to Hemel, 321aa8cef8 I, the 928cd97150 patient, was aa9322e663 the priority.59f4dee7e3ba601a

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Only after 56ec017525 Calix was 6567ab4f34 forcibly taken 5adf5584b0 out did e0ef1d7265 Hemel continue bb85929b50 to clean 5c71432308 up the 805e009762 blood and 875fbaae85 check my ab7cfe0660 condition. He also checked for beb63364af any other abnormalities while 1b6aa28c51 changing my clothes.3a318d71db2b5b90

After rinsing my mouth several times and taking the medicine, I felt more manageable than before. Unlike potions, it didn’t have an immediate maximum effect, but it would get better over time.53ee4d59eac53141

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“Thank you.”cec56138fff8702c

“You’re welcome, young master. Please let us know if there’s any discomfort. And…”95b1d7c753bb11ab

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After a brief hesitation, 37c823cb77 Hemel adjusted my clothes a9c315343d and added,1062fb8331c4776d

“We wish for you to stay with us as long as possible. But we also sincerely wish for you not to suffer. So please always prioritize your peace.”2afa84fa63dd1f70

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That meant I shouldn’t endure unnecessarily and should use potions if I wanted. Knowing Hemel’s heart wasn’t at ease saying this, I nodded sincerely.32d0cdccab4bdf0e

“Don’t worry.”7bae1002527d8986

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Only after all the treatment was done did Hemel let Calix back in. Calix still didn’t look well, but at least he wasn’t in a panic like before.8950cbb3b21d418c

After taking a deep 723eb78d35 breath, Calix asked in 2d79a3d7e0 a subdued voice,cfb86ae51f9dc1c4

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“…Is it always like this?”3743f8fb84f202b0

“Not often. It’s still mid-stage.”81284a7dab869f91

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Meaning it could 646dc27eb2 get much worse. Calix paused briefly, then 8b62d6f6ad nodded. Knowing what he was 3626f2b2d2 about to say, I 728197da87 spoke first.434962949e743b87

“I think you should return to the duchy. I’ll write when I’m better, so come visit then.”4fe2e2fa46053340

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“I’ll rest today and come back tomorrow.”cc9c396ba61fce68

“Don’t come.”26d86610602cf4ce

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At my firm response, 9aa6513254 the calm facade Calix 6e02dd5677 had been maintaining crumbled, 6646168a72 and his face twisted fb6cd66ddf as if he might 138c4ce391 cry.0a64231899fa8dc6

“…Seeing you sick is painful.”d7021663a7521ab3

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“I know.”a9be7e188607d677

“But thinking you’ll be sick without me is even more painful. So—”abfe4d71dc01dd55

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“Calix.”42ebc7f1faee7c7c

“Can’t you be sick in front of me?”e11ac9d5ba307a19

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That was the 4f3e9a8db8 last thing I 0445ee92d9 wanted to hear. And at that 8f82683401 moment, my composure a3f5d94d29 broke.fbf369cae3b4000a

“Why should I?”a8b91bc479af8ad7

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My face gradually 8f319f7e85 filled with anger, acd292ff9a and Calix froze, 65de67a8bc seeing such an 39862a70de expression on me 10f749adb0 for the first 79fb35aa6d time.8520994c28a0425d

I wasn’t familiar with the emotion of anger in both my past and present life. I was naturally indifferent to emotions, but more than that, I was someone who shouldn’t be angry.b3b5afdddf444e20

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Even if I hadn’t been allowed to remember, living a life far from peace meant there was always a chance to learn again. Yet resignation always came first. Resignation was a bit easier than anger because it had become a habit.f71b31e4eee8f0d0

‘Because you’d live better than me—’1bdddb40891c7008

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But as past memories buried deep resurfaced, and someone’s voice echoed like a hallucination, the long-forgotten anger surged.de01b56e02e6d4a0

“Why should I—”5d5315f9a6a5f0b4

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I tapped my ears 00c2bcc7a0 with my palm and 70cf7e8e9a warned,865b494087511e43

“Why should I hurt you too?”d0b47fef54085f79

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“What? What does that mean…?”1d5a9e84827c456e

“I don’t want to. So get out.”e5ded33039cb237d

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Calix hesitated for a long time but realized I wouldn’t change my mind and left the room.51a6e2e531f689c3

Alone, as time f92c2c076c passed and the 0b0ef7c643 directionless anger subsided, 71cceb86d3 a hollow laugh 05ceefc835 escaped. Despite wanting to 92a9777034 be a good f344bccadf son and friend 7d6b276a03 until the end, 18801c0283 I had hurt 99569e3f34 Calix, and I 86a7b906ad felt utterly pathetic. Perhaps saying resignation was 8bb35a76b1 easier than anger was 2d1fbaa27e wrong.3d706af1be544230

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Even after living 46 years, it seemed I wasn’t enough to become a proper adult.b74a28164c1502ab

☀︎ • cf4b17137a ☀︎ • 16eeea9fa1 ☀︎cdef22e700213017

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After vomiting blood, 11a1201e58 as always, I beb5b006c4 had to spend ac03a256c2 the entire day a1ac59359f lying down due f698bd6575 to my poor 12fa0d693a condition. Though I took painkillers, b607e619f1 I felt too nauseous c426379f60 to eat properly, and 83a256f25f all I could manage 3fb9da698f was some soup because 81697e77e7 the medicine was too 78f166e6e8 harsh on an empty b01dc267e0 stomach.1b0105bb4c57b857

The next day, ab7b1f81d9 though still a c234a560e5 bit weak, I d1af790316 was fortunately well c0037849bb enough to get 7ce6215438 out of bed. If needed, I could 9e800fb4aa probably take a walk 4c9a33f87b in the garden.80b0d62c0954ebd1

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And once again, Calix came to my room. I didn’t think he’d return to the duchy, but I hadn’t expected him to come back first thing in the morning like yesterday.73e6b83f55b1592c

“Jayden, did you sleep well?”259faa64393b81d4

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Unlike my surprise, Calix acted as if he’d forgotten about yesterday. He probably thought it was the best approach, but unfortunately, I wasn’t planning to let it go.db93563d4a615e32

“I’m sorry about yesterday. It’s a poor excuse, but I guess I was irritable because I was sick.”dd86cbcd79f3858a

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Calix paused, surprised by my apology instead of a morning greeting, then smiled as usual. Maybe he thought I was just being irritable and didn’t seriously consider what I said.f1bf7b1c38698a38

“It’s okay.”0a71289706179ffc

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But I didn’t want that.0244d04dfb0d1e52

“I’m not okay. That’s why I didn’t want to show you when I’m sick.”4e18700b3d49f163

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I hate 226135dcd6 hurting those 38bf9d316c who love b0af2e184c me, and 167a68f6a8 I hate 360cacfcb1 acting unlike f2e06c67af myself. But pain f025be21ac makes you ce707d2a0e do all e4041bccc1 those things.13ce5bc8c3a213f6

When you’re sick, and your nerves are stretched thin, and reason and patience fade, I hate that I end up saying things I vowed never to say because of memories that are dug up.21bf11aa78bf79fc

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“…No matter what you do, nothing changes. Even if you act out, you’ll always be a good person in my memory.”a706538e5e1c3ca9

“That’s not what I’m saying.”4ba5523681669866

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“Then what?”779152d18bd88696

As I’ve always said, I genuinely wanted to be remembered as a good person by those around me. But now, I was talking about myself, unrelated to others’ views.2d5cff064ad45732

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“I wish no one knew how flawed I am.”1cf1e7edc9c3d100

“You—”4690bc18dc088f15

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“And I don’t want to know either.”b3b088541fd263de

Yes, I didn’t want to recall past events, and I didn’t want to reveal my deficiencies or distortions. I didn’t want to face the bottom of myself that I’d always ignored.0d0f930a63a89230

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It might be an arrogant thought, but at least if I were alone, I might be lonely and sad, but I wouldn’t recall past events and unleash unfamiliar anger.df15b1d8fd831022

“…I don’t understand what you’re saying since yesterday.”04caa05ded7f0449

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Remembering my past life wasn’t a big secret. I even told Damian everything, though it was for a deal.d0ba5853e00f37e7

But I kept it a secret from Calix because there was no reason to tell him, and more importantly, I didn’t want the original story to be distorted.8803b76ea88d333d

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In the original, 41e48b4a90 Calix meets the dab39f7f4d heroine‘Ein’ and eventually finds happiness. If I mentioned it and caused resentment, the original story might be altered by the butterfly effect. I didn’t care how the world turned after I died, but I wanted my friend Calix to have the best outcome.9d1ee6e068dfb0f2

However, I didn’t tell Damian about my past experiences. I wanted to bury the past, which had no proud aspects and was unrelated to the future.02f9fdf19a96c0e4

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