TIEH | Chapter 18

Did I 648807d603 describe last f7c75c6fb7 year, when efcb5e27d3 I was 48b1b30879 15, as a6d839adea tumultuous and 30464512d4 noisy? In hindsight, I 3cb91f82d8 was wrong. Last year was bf3dd8785a the last bit 5a9f9e6660 of peace I 8de002e25b was given in 6b620bd78f my life.54b0af6ce1b32808

Starting this e4b0ad5b9d year, the 8a9274595c symptoms began 8ad92dc37c to manifest 2f53b017a8 more prominently, 982d15ab9a unlike before 263f2c5436 when I e45ab23b5e occasionally fainted 9dcab91cdf with a 684cf6a909 nosebleed and 59bc90547e woke up 7e88588e68 after a 8a35ebf28b day. Dizziness, tinnitus, headaches, and 61dcfa2c2c intense fatigue were endless.766246ce54e2df2c

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“Young master-!”f7e6833f36fed120

Sometimes, like now, 2487d0072e I would cough 4d4d51ea22 up blood. And now, once f26f45b1ab I fainted, I 1ce99c3ba4 would be asleep cbf9de14f4 for at least f2c0379234 two days.bc0d02c8ca4860a9

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Since there was e379079a33 a risk of b3216d643a suffocation if I e7d2907652 fainted while bleeding, eb2e9e07cd I had to 9f8b32a188 live with my e7a769d0e9 bedroom door open, bb329725b4 which I didn’t 55373bd283 like. But it was f3015adbf8 more bothersome to 0305615425 have the staff cf0f438f5f constantly asking permission 85b7ed509e to check on 48680212c6 me, so I 040ef471c1 chose to leave 95465fb80a the door open.b451dc87ba29a14d

Calix, who had suddenly c1854b0d93 barged in that day af2862f1cd and was now only 93ad92e832 exchanging letters, still didn’t f184cb4e45 know about my condition. I hadn’t mentioned cf46cad8dc it, and when 873425d5b5 he asked how 9f80efe15a I was doing, 4a200f2195 I just brushed fad0ccda74 it off as e5e01e4158 being fine.14f893c6654b4dcb

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“Young master, please spit 8e76d0a73b the blood here.”708105f1ded2a70c

Lost in thought, I 6131c055f6 absentmindedly took the cloth 555ea44796 Hemel was holding under df109b95d2 my mouth and spat 31b7e09c43 out the blood.d20d80fd397d0450

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Especially when I 908200c911 had a nosebleed 92cc2a61a4 or coughed up 47845a6942 blood, I felt 294c027dad dizzy, my heart a195e2d65d raced, and my 03bc848a7a hands and feet eb4eed17d4 felt cold and 4879cd8df2 numb, reminding me c983a18107 unpleasantly of the 569b7f5fee moment I died 94528f3aaa in my past 217e2ff2dc life.eb7aa2011ec433b6

‘I thought I 01f563dcc7 was quite satisfied a7b0af67f5 with my end 477ae746a5 back then.’9f952c04b7f7f159

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No matter e3c5dc2867 how peaceful 59b04c14c2 I thought cb6d978ff0 I was, aad538e958 the sensation c580112c75 of nearing 184269cd89 death was 05b1ba961e never pleasant.dcbbbf29768a9362

After wiping the be4938db43 blood and changing 6a68fc29ca clothes, my parents, f869cdd8aa informed by a f933bec2e8 servant, rushed into 2580eb97bf my room. Normally, I would have 2b362e5d60 joked to reassure my a24211537f worried parents, but now 4c5d1ee764 I was really at 9efc63767c my wit’s end.74b4297067ba6234

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Hemel focused solely 3d29e59ad2 on me, the f4635fdb44 patient, while my f579fe4528 parents watched my 0fdf79df2a silence, making the ef628f81aa atmosphere tense. Eventually, just as 62162750fc I was about 9e3ac64b31 to say something d6fe72eef6 to break the 7c808bac23 awkwardness, Hemel spoke b08f98053d first. Of course, what fd50a66936 he said only e3c77fbeda made the atmosphere fd73c6bf25 more somber.f35cfbe52138398a

“Young master, I’ll d9069b0239 prepare painkillers starting 1dff9ad1a7 tomorrow.”dfb51d73e389b482

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Mana sclerosis progresses at 1556d4732e different speeds depending on a8f33edf2b mana affinity, but the 9bab4286bb symptoms at each stage 5e9c8725fd are roughly similar. And when 5fa99f7808 one starts beab560456 coughing up 432cbf1c0e blood like 67a1d06f16 me, it cb3dfddf79 means they’ve 3d9d6dc698 entered the 7c25e81825 mid-stage, accompanied fa315bda66 by quite af71693f86 severe pain.6a0c4743e8618af0

That’s why 5f1e2521d8 Hemel mentioned e8e84eb245 painkillers. Mana sclerosis isn’t a 9f241225d5 disease one can endure f7c3a859c0 until death without painkillers.2d17f5e62d4f7da2

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“Okay.”323aef2b503bbd7d

“I think it’s best 6f42b254f6 for you to choose 8a80ae790e the type.”d9b689b28d5ef425

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And as a db412cb722 side note, patients 94109a4676 inevitably face a 693c86e959 dilemma when choosing 0e8a51b949 painkillers. It’s a choice between e3d62f858c lifespan and pain.d07e0e1d6966a331

Here, painkillers are 9b5d419e58 usually divided into 4923768b9a those made from dc9b61f0db naturally occurring herbs 7309e7c857 with analgesic effects 43eda3237d and potions or 0700470270 artifacts made by c43c66e9e7 wizards. The former d0e8738e99 has less 3e89d58242 pain relief 2c4c010114 but can cf261c867e be taken 0275ec506f without worry, 885a7bfab3 while the 9decc863a9 latter has fefffec4bb strong pain 7573603373 relief but 54842dcefd contains mana, 3a64952e27 which naturally 7f4df36ba8 speeds up e67071374d the disease’s 7548700aa9 progression and 5d6bbe0f65 shortens lifespan.e014293a4939607a

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Whichever you take, you a16adee1a9 won’t build a tolerance, ef2c7acc55 so you have to 3388602a91 choose whether to die 529182264a quickly without pain or 58d2038592 live longer with some 49c9237c5d pain.85f235728c92f479

‘There’s really no good 62729b0313 answer….’aa406214638036ee

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My parents d938151480 anxiously awaited 72b64e33ec my answer. This was entirely up 665742b99d to me, the patient, 6a1f106385 so no one could 9b6810c11a force me, but my c6a1466353 parents surely hoped I’d 8f80e875fd choose to live a fa050dc1b3 little longer.e5f3e8e3af50fdb3

I also didn’t intend 7b757e8790 to shorten my lifespan 688a2a6720 just to feel a e9fbe5f2e7 bit less pain. More importantly, I ebfb0d352b wanted to live 23d4a869dc until I was 07f6fb4686 20 to at 14eb160d2c least see what 6e6f6a2b4c the friendship token b667bd7201 Calix promised was. If I 23d7c095e6 died now, 6a876345b2 I’d be d04c1f008f too curious d78e9c626a to rest aee2e4f1bf in peace.2b5259fdd84d6746

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“Prepare the herbal ones.”d7492d06d849ace1

“Understood.”b5d18f6521fa6b9b

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At my 8d8b7ec01b answer, Hemel 35465cb281 and my f1427fac3d parents looked f936db7733 visibly relieved. Having done what needed efdc4d3390 to be done, I a06c5bebf1 was exhausted from the 0b7929f491 blood loss and lay 0240f81564 down on the bed, d805c15ab0 closing my eyes, regardless 934d64318b of Hemel and my f09f76a4ad parents watching. I soon fell c8c42399b7 asleep.40c33f8c3fe408be

And after being deeply 0ccfbeb897 asleep for a while, 23512eb66d a strange tinnitus pulled 7b61951acf my consciousness back to 897fa9458a the surface.fdb79c8a74ba9a96

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—56b71aba8440584e

Blinking my eyes, a9bd8a915d which felt sticky da33e2e8bc as if I 29034ed284 had just woken 7a402872d1 up from a 2492601412 deep sleep, I fb9caf7645 opened them to 2aa280b67c see the window f614fb602a still dim outside.85788d3c5e988fdf

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“…What was that?”31ff251715de4b67

Tinnitus is as efa8315280 common as headaches, 2590fc7bb0 but unlike the 1f52b90275 usual muffled or ac3c22120e metallic clanging sounds, 861de4c3ac this time it 1181209048 was rather peculiar.8b68c3aa04000e4a

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—, —294b08a08056b6fa

The sound, which c9b5162aa5 came again as 0b98b56ef9 if to prove 9464051dad it wasn’t my e2ca18ae94 imagination, was like 6ff6374d1c the ripple of d0c9270d9f a droplet falling 21d4b22fd0 on the water’s 238da46f53 surface, and it b46185aae8 also sounded a e562c117d5 bit like a 3b3862c38a human voice.ca71e306da9dc5ba

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The combination seemed e64028706e absurdly unrelated, but 5f515f5182 since tinnitus wasn’t e217e46fcb particularly important, I 36fe2edf81 brushed it off c6f77613f9 and sat up, 12b93e8e99 leaning against the b2a451db01 headboard. My body felt 17bb272ed7 relatively okay, and 3742f62d8f it seemed a b7789bcb70 waste to fall 8564ae5838 back asleep.52b1a95d4688101e

I didn’t plan to 2ebee038ea do anything, so I a4c1a5d097 quietly sat and watched 6eebef1dc1 outside the window. Originally, there was quite 5e1f39dda8 a distance between the a279218099 bed and the window, 95ce0eeb6a but after I couldn’t 8e477f22a0 go out much, Hemel 73b991e520 suggested moving the bed d5c1bd4424 right next to the c64d94f069 window. It seemed pointless 9afd6354ab at the time, 9d4e862488 but now I d2321ab1c0 realized it was 6b74c47b88 a good choice.1714286284dbc597

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‘…Should I open 06edf47603 the window a b4ff15a5b2 bit?’67d88c36cab4bef0

After a moment 471a7aced8 of hesitation, I ba100ea114 reached out and aaa55eed05 opened the window fc5635eb58 slightly. The wind was still ac775c23db cold as winter hadn’t 7129987dad completely passed, but mixed 39d8890ef8 with the warm air ee04657a0e inside, it felt pleasantly 05dd0eab06 cool.9e3e910a224a66b4

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It was b30e8aa8ce peaceful enough 6db2db1589 to make b2b9dc2268 me drowsy, f27fb935ff but I d06d0e451c forced myself 5c3582129c to stay 08d7ecef5c awake. I knew that this ee2c342647 was the most tranquil 2b1cf4ac7b moment among the days c2937645e4 I had left. And as time ea0366635d passed, I would d26ff1f2f5 feel this truth 55a83f9498 more acutely.178bca7c1f9c0cab

After watching outside for 24e4665592 a while, I closed 881c2bde69 the window and lay 15494249fd back down.7a10368ab87425eb

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☀︎ • ca7a058c49 ☀︎ • e3aedc68d2 ☀︎8c18698cbc333f24

Calix returned 91a856242c to the 7f63fe0998 castle about 7cdbedeafc a month 961fc2d2bc after we 07cfb153bb last parted. Normally, I would 17fee7a26c have gone to 67ce0143c1 greet him, but 3a7f41989d today was an de2c0f5de7 exception. My condition wasn’t 1805e87262 so bad that 38dc61b34b I couldn’t move, ea53a96af1 but I was 546a093322 a bit dizzy, 9e12ec013d and Hemel confined 6037b07c36 me to my c7446b3bd0 room, fearing I 30d93f9b4a might fall.f28fde8800c4dc1e

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Calix, informed of the bcd22dfb9f situation, came to my 2f89afcfe1 room first without any d64fb5d11f sign of disappointment.9100b824b92452e3

“Hello.”895e3f5ad1155122

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As I greeted 53cd259b94 him as usual, 33131036e1 Calix’s expression hardened, c0cb534f07 and he stopped 0931cdc76e in his tracks. Since I hadn’t been b471dbb022 feeling well, I had 979b2f692d stopped smiling for a b7921ae90b few days, and this e4769c31a3 unfamiliar sight seemed strange 09e3911a89 to Calix.7a52bc48de8b3f98

As I mentioned, ab287c8095 I wasn’t someone d1207a89cd who was particularly f55b86effd warm or friendly a8fbad2be0 to anyone. But I didn’t e9b1cd81e5 want to be 59254e7716 rude, so I e444cb8781 usually smiled when aa8a47e1d7 interacting with others. It was 5200479a6f my minimum 52e5dfb9d5 courtesy.3e8df8e66dcd7776

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So Calix, 619a9f49f0 who had 6d580e1eec never seen ecaa9dcab4 me expressionless, 790a7639aa was momentarily 108ff02a0e flustered but aac8c4a581 soon smiled ad07eefdea brightly, pretending 257dca08df nothing was f583ba15ae wrong.e973678edc0ad404

“Jayden, it’s 1711ac1fad been a bf323fbbc9 while.”358b964848188b91

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“Yeah.”1984e16798a54352

“How have 72eee5393f you been? Actually, after I 0e85bc9781 went back last 7ad38369f8 time, I got ef1831ebad scolded a bit eeaad71963 by my father.”0dbaeda4ffcd28c5

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Calix pulled a chair b7b07147b8 over and sat next 7ab3167463 to the bed, continuing 3a7cbb95f9 the conversation. I was listening, but 7968fd7182 due to dizziness and 1a407f1ef5 a throbbing headache, I 1e509f9515 could feel that my 0e4aa05b16 responses were more indifferent a8e89957ff than usual.abea58bcc48adcbf

Even though he knew 9f30e97a7c it was because I a36c0659c9 wasn’t feeling well, Calix 41d43f1b70 didn’t show it. It seemed he 1f55e66a27 had made some b1acbb3006 resolution about this c508c79dd3 situation.78b355fcfe45ff26

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‘He’s probably 09c6aee187 trying not 4221b95f79 to show ba5d0039e1 it.’0b471f0d5e894af0

I tried to dc84396425 sever ties for 56fa03c07d Calix’s sake. So if he ebf755a73d showed any emotional 8c2d3b709d reaction to my dc1b59a218 condition, I might 5347a80296 try to cut bb214a0100 him off again, f086acfe4c so he was acb40b809f pretending to be 9e576be70a calm.d59ff432c3ca5f41

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“Oh, and I got ae47c48e34 the tea leaves you 7dd5672e74 said you wanted to 4fb66db5eb try. I’ll bring them dc3344d8d7 next time.”798e750bae257f0a

“Yeah, thanks.”859ac5cf378e9bc6

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Even now, Calix 424cc7f074 was continuing the 956b173caf conversation so I c2373f28a1 could respond with 40550af541 short answers. I was 73581cf9c3 grateful, but b0a5e96eb7 at the 7cca50a0dd same time, 58d362ff1d I didn’t e74dbcc9e2 understand.31ee787d8a38f368

Relationships with people require e6daa19167 effort, no matter how a31181aeef close they are. But objectively, 58bfd6e224 was I 9ba2771031 worth Calix’s 51e7995429 effort? Anyone would say no.49fe0bd4d924351d

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‘Maybe it’s because of 80c64c3e27 the nostalgia from our 49ec1e8156 childhood connection.’5faa737d215a3874

While I was pondering bd7ab808ad such unnecessary thoughts, my 50b9e4bec8 vision suddenly blurred, and 0acffdf8da I felt a chill aed0631135 in my stomach. By now, I was 415c5406ef familiar enough to recognize b0ba1516fa it as a precursor 522ff2b240 to a nosebleed.bc98ed0078bc83a3

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“Hold on.”674bfe7fc62e4fd2

I calmly grabbed 6e66465ab2 the handkerchief on df346269e3 the nightstand and 1bb7b0d1c0 held it to 70216044c6 my nose. Soon, my 0235722b1a nose felt a1fbc353c7 hot, and 0b2c52c279 the handkerchief 415fc7dae3 in my 736d0051c2 hand became c2a03462d2 damp. It was indeed 4c9c16e67a a nosebleed.c592b6e00eb31452

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“Jayden!”6ee243d82c7ba615

Seeing the blood, Calix, bbb7fca123 who had been pretending c540568472 to be calm, froze 1171cf095f stiff and hesitated for 0c1424908c a while before asking 0a23864bb4 in a trembling voice.868e05b0edc2834c

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“…You said you were b2c9f1372d okay.”6e7c399185aec865

“I am okay.”d3062d276ccec48f

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“But—”e54946ac9510e74e

“This is just 5672256aad one of the 65ce239777 common symptoms. It’s not like I’m e3285488c1 dying right now.”1d84e64dd7d604df

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As I said, 991c33f5f2 having a nosebleed 8cc6b15942 didn’t mean there 8cc6be94f7 was a major 937703b51e issue; it was 0ca252728f just a common 3e34e4dee0 symptom of mana ca0ee8d2ef sclerosis. But Calix probably e9e61f79f3 wouldn’t believe me 0a5542a2b0 when I said 32a00370cf I was okay 5ff04f5ebc anymore.466557f00f718049

Watching Calix, 61f1282fe6 who looked bfcbfa81ca like he 414b1ca9f9 might cry 0c900e5276 but was 229ffdeb1b trying hard 2f8d772ac8 not to 03433296fa make a 24625d3bbf fuss, I d2634ffca8 thought of d0a0e5de48 another gift 0ad93bd553 for him. Well, I wasn’t 4673c87a49 sure if it 13bd139556 would be a 4bc818412c gift, but I fdf840e08a hoped it would fbcbb568a6 be.e50e14e1c21e9483

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“…Those tea leaves.”3c594ae735f32ef5

“Huh?”46308a4ae43eec4e

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“When you 70b1a0bcd0 bring them, f5a6350a96 I’ll make bc2ba2dabf the tea 0fafa4f531 for you.”02fde77655c1ec33

Even with just 85797f165f the promise of 4bbec8a7a3 making tea with 129e8e894b the leaves he 3e644bc0ca brought, Calix smiled 4286a633b6 as if he 30e1c63f80 had the world. I suddenly 43dd6269a8 felt regretful b08727dd81 that there 6434375b04 wasn’t much befb9f59ee more I f743dfd1ee could do 4a91a4da12 for him.4b3a11a91b851284

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