TIC 15

Cho-yeon’s heart was pounding and her stomach was churning. She wanted to sigh, but he was too close.

“No.”

“Then stop waddling and step properly.”

Stop waddling? Cho-yeon was about to flare up, but he held out both palms to her.

“If you don’t want to be carried, at least hold my hand. Who will finish this project if you fall and get hurt?”

Cho-yeon reluctantly put her hand in his. His hand was warm and soft in contrast to his pale skin.

He held her hand and stepped on the yeast like an adult teaching a child to walk.

Their feet moved in an alternating rhythm. Thud. Thud. Thud. Thud. It was a happy rhythm, like a dance. Faster than a waltz, slower than a swing. It was its own unique movement that defied categorization.

Since time immemorial, dancing has been a sacred ritual, a courtship gesture, and an expression of intimate connection.

Feeling uncomfortable staring at his face, and strange to keep looking at his chest, Cho-yeon looked down at their feet.

“What’s your shoe size, Ji Cho-yeon-ssi?”

His voice poured down on her.

“235mm. What about you, Professor Kwon?”

“295mm.”

“Wow, you have the second largest feet I’ve ever seen.”

She smiled and looked up at him. The air was thick with the sour-sweet smell of nuruk, but every time she moved, a scent of wildflowers wafted around her.

“Who’s the first?”

“Do-jun. My friend.”

Min-hyun’s grip on her hand tightened slightly.

“His feet are exactly 300mm. It’s like he carries a 30cm ruler on each foot. I find that so funny.”

Why was a man’s 300mm foot size funny? She didn’t seem to be laughing at his foot size, but at the thought of this friend, Do-jun.

Insects couldn’t hide their mating season. Whether through dance or song, they were uninhibited in their courtship displays.

She seemed like a pure and honest person, unable to hide her affection, with beads of sweat on her forehead, laughing brightly and talking about how someone’s foot size was funny. The kind of person whose joy was immediately apparent.

“How long have you been friends with Do-jun?”

Just one question and she lit up like a honeybee discovering a field of flowers.

“Since I was twenty-two. We’ve known each other since I was twenty, but we became close friends when I was twenty-two. We became friends while we were working on a group project. There were five of us in the team, but everyone else dropped out and it was just Do-jun and me.”

She went on as if that group project had been the most pleasant experience.

“Have you been friends ever since?”

She hesitated for a moment at his question about their relationship, then answered quietly, “Yes, friends.”

There was a hint of disappointment in her voice. He felt a pang of something, though he couldn’t identify it.

“My goodness, where did the bride go, leaving the groom all alone?”

The owner’s loud voice boomed from behind Min-hyun. She had been going around nagging the participants and must have thought he was alone.

“I’m right here.”

She peeked out from beside Min-hyun, still holding his hand, and replied to the owner. She looked cute, like a hermit crab peeking out of its shell.

“My!”

The owner suddenly burst into laughter and clapped his hands.

“The groom is so big, I couldn’t see the bride. What does our groom do? Is he an athlete?”

A moment ago she blushed when talking about her friend Do-jun. But this time she smiled brightly and spoke for Min-hyun.

“He’s a university professor!”

“Such a handsome young man, and smart too, just like his looks.”

She laughed as if she had been complimented herself.

“He’s as smart as he is handsome.”

She replied in the local dialect, looking up at Min-hyun with a playful smile in her eyes.

“But his personality is… a bit…”

She winked playfully.

“What’s wrong with my personality?”

It was a lighthearted joke, but the mention of Do-jun irritated him. It made him ask a dry question.

“What about the personality of that 300mm guy? Is he nice?”

She hesitated as if pondering, then said, “He is kind. He came running when I collapsed that day, took me to the emergency room, called you for me, and even came with me to exchange the trunks… he’s always been kind. He’s kind, but… he can be a little tactless.”

She looked up at Min-hyun with a playful smile. Maybe she felt guilty about teasing him earlier about his good looks but questionable personality, so she pointed out Do-jun’s flaws as well.

He could have replied, ‘Ji Cho-yeon-ssi is beautiful and articulate.’

But the way she blushed when talking about Do-jun annoyed him.

Being tactless… it seemed like this Do-jun was completely oblivious to the feelings of this woman who couldn’t hide her emotions.

“Why do you keep such a tactless friend around?”

Min-hyun’s tone was sharp.

“What?”

She blinked, confused. Her playful smile was gone.

“Isn’t it frustrating to have someone who is kind but tactless? People like that always hurt you unintentionally. And then they apologize profusely and act all nice and innocent. Which makes it even more annoying.”

She pulled her hand away from his, her eyes wide with anger.

“How do you know that? Are all kind and tactless people like that? Why are you criticizing my friend all of a sudden?”

“It’s bad to pretend you don’t understand someone’s feelings and be tactless. People like that aren’t kind.”

Her eyes glistened with tears. She blushed crimson and lowered her head in embarrassment.

“I’m going to the bathroom.”

With her head down, Cho-yeon hurried out of the experience center and toward the bathroom.

‘Those kinds of people always hurt you unintentionally. And then they’ll apologize profusely, acting all kind and innocent. Which makes it even more infuriating.’

Sometimes a pointed observation, close to the truth, can sting more than an unfounded accusation. This was exactly that.

It had only been three days since their research trip began, and he had already seen through her.

She had only said a few things about Do-jun. Things one would say about a dear friend.

Did his dark gray eyes have the ability to read her expression like fingerprints?

Seven years had passed since Cho-yeon had started to harbor feelings for Do-jun. Exactly seven years since they had worked on that group project.

When she first developed feelings for him, she had thought about confessing. But her mother was incredibly strict about dating back then, so she couldn’t even dream of saying those words out loud.

At the end-of-semester party in their third year, Do-jun brought a girl from the Western Art department and introduced her as his girlfriend.

On the day that Cho-yeon and Do-jun were supposed to watch a movie together for the first time, Do-jun cried. He said that he had broken up with his girlfriend.

When Cho-yeon was in her fourth year, Do-jun went to America as an exchange student for one year. When he returned, he was already dating a girl from another school he met in the States.

There were times when he rushed to see his girlfriend while he was with Cho-yeon. On her birthday he had stood her up and only sent a message that his girlfriend wanted to go to the beach and then lost contact.

Each time this happened, Do-jun apologized sincerely at their next meeting and tried to comfort Cho-yeon. Her heart would flutter when he smiled gently and said: ‘Romantic relationships are temporary, but our friendship is forever.’

Even after Cho-yeon graduated from college and got a job in the travel agency’s product planning team, their friendship remained unchanged. There were times when Do-jun didn’t have a girlfriend, but he had never treated her romantically, which made it even harder for her to confess her feelings.

She told herself that it was better to remain a long-time friend than a short-lived lover. But no matter how she reasoned with herself, her heart wouldn’t follow.

She was constantly torn, and sometimes she felt completely defeated. It frustrated her that she couldn’t be a woman in Do-jun’s eyes.

It was a pain she should have endured alone, but Kwon Min-hyun had noticed it and touched it.

He was a bad friend – kind but tactless – and he hurt people.

She hadn’t felt hurt when they talked about her nightmares and sleep problems. His seemingly indifferent words had been comforting.

But the conversation about Do-jun was different. His words were undeniably true and she felt ashamed that she had burst into tears.

Cho-yeon splashed cold water on her face several times and returned to the experience center. As if nothing had happened, she stood in front of him and continued stepping on the yeast.

“Are you alright?”

His deep voice made her throat tighten with emotion and Cho-yeon bit her lower lip. Was there some kind of magic in his voice that stirred her emotions?

“I know. I know he has no feelings for me.”

He listened silently. She wasn’t usually the type to pour her heart out. She was selective in her friendships and kept a certain distance.

But it was hard to keep her composure around this man. His dry, indifferent questions provoked her into honesty.

“But these are my feelings. I’m the one getting hurt. And I’m the one who has to get over it. I’ll get something out of it eventually.”

“Haven’t you considered stopping the behavior that causes you pain?”

She hardly had any friends besides Do-jun. He was her only friend and she wanted to keep their friendship no matter how much it hurt.

“Butterflies go through a complete metamorphosis. They go through a period of hardship in the chrysalis stage. When they emerge from the chrysalis, they are completely transformed. So, Ji Cho-yeon-ssi, have you become a butterfly? If you’re still a chrysalis, what kind of butterfly do you want to become? Are you afraid of becoming a moth?”

His words were cool and dry as always. Cho-yeon couldn’t answer. She wasn’t sure what kind of person she had become after she had harbored feelings for Do-jun and after she had endured and overcome the pain. It was a paradox; the more she endured, the more insignificant she felt.

From friends to lovers or not even friends.

She had clung to the safety of the chrysalis stage, refusing to change, unwilling to undergo another painful transformation.

“When you get hurt, you become a different person.”

Cho-yeon stopped stepping on the yeast and looked up at him. The room was noisy. Everyone was laughing and chatting, showing the owner the results of their yeast stepping.

“If this other version of you isn’t even a little happy…”

He lifted his hand and gently brushed her hair aside as he continued, “Don’t get hurt. Don’t let anyone hurt you. Whether you’re a chrysalis, a butterfly or a moth, you deserve to be happy.”

A slight tightness gripped her heart.

“And there’s definitely someone out there who will accept you for who you are, whether you’re a chrysalis, a butterfly or a moth. Do you want to try and see if that person exists?”