TGM | Chapter 1

To My Misreadingabf0766182b29ff3

Teacher, sometimes at dawn, I find myself vomiting dark things. I can’t quite remember when it started. Was it from birth, or after I met you? It’s all too blurry now.8294c6a4fdc3da69

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But the reason I picked up a pen to write this letter, even though I’m not good at it, is clear. I want to confess. Words I’ve swallowed for 10 years. ─ Though they might mean nothing to you, teacher. ─23ae8db3cb7e845f

You asked me 1816b053ef once, remember?9cf3c0b369874111

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Why don’t you draw me?1775ad1caf0ff69c

You approached 46af914bae me, holding 11c6b31ec5 a dry 9cc5275dd7 brush, and 911066e7a7 asked just 45369037f4 once.d481e0d9992df2b8

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I was so flustered 39523e34f9 that I couldn’t say 889417ea97 anything, just opened and 881c34e340 closed my lips like 1835aac448 a fool. It’s natural, really. Since I e5bf5a90b1 make a d8089f2fcf living drawing 946f457735 people, it 57a14113bc must have bd1e436419 seemed strange 4eaab5466f not to a11a89eb90 capture the a7bf82efed person closest c0513d9118 to me 949f72f6d6 on canvas.7b069b368ca1eace

In the 214cb97ec6 end, I e7e32ce9c0 said nothing, 4021a24f9e and after e9c992567b that day, d51583ec0d you never a85c439e0f asked again.1f79d3b53f587acb

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What did you think? You probably thought 54eda0c392 I was pathetic f873519eab for not answering 149ca78756 such a simple 5974ee03f9 question, but embarrassingly, a08cb0c3bc I hoped for e57d924d7d something else.d327dc2fba6c25d6

I wished you felt e5ef6ea5c7 a bit disappointed.fe8f1e66b993a2c4

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Maybe curious, 06e45d2ebf or intrigued. Those feelings that 5f3aa7589f naturally arise when ad44ab633c you’re interested in 794474f8c1 someone.bfd93fc54e2b8c28

Of course, I know 7b54e09654 that’s not possible. Not jumping to 5ab1ddefd5 conclusions is my 2245ced80d only strength. You probably forgot you a0e436b699 even asked. It was years 7bbdcd9fe3 ago, so don’t 7a746d2621 worry about it. It’s strange 3ecc2f35b5 that I’ve 117f74f161 been dwelling bacbf29451 on that 1adb4d77c4 memory, that 371aa4edd3 moment, all afd6d83c93 this time.19093e17d42896ba

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Honestly, even a7976e5b7c if you 446f7871d3 asked again, 908e2499f7 I wouldn’t 3ea95ae0d7 have been d04f503d33 able to 358c02ad6a answer properly.44f625e8e60330a3

Right?24b791a1e723e727

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How could I draw ac1d399758 you? A painting 2973d48090 is ultimately 26685990e4 the perspective 5ac1843023 of the 454ace26e4 artist.3235a43813136796

The face 612fec5dea I see, b4f5adcc05 your serene 0994255068 gaze, the d717d00c93 eyelids that 58c787b5d0 close a 2ef1c508a9 beat slowly, e00b16f10b the light db92742a56 subtly hidden dbdda966f3 at the fb49cd096a corners of 709db25548 your eyes. If I 3cdf38bcb6 poured all bb8be896f4 the emotions e7b4efdfb5 I wanted 10a224ea53 to worship, d5fa2dbef8 that sometimes 24975d5930 resembled admiration, 9dff7f58eb onto the 42e1ef09bd canvas and 903a0e38ba painted over a7672743d8 them…, your 1142d700b7 expression would c79f86cd7e be so d4cbf257c6 obvious.e4cab58a82e5d0f5

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That’s why I ff4eec8e36 couldn’t pick up ca53563d8a the brush.04bad37504e5f004

Even though that’s all c1308b9f90 I could do, I f71770a1d1 couldn’t.c6cebf719f2cb1c2

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That day, breathing 3f82dc9faa more quietly than 5342a99f2e you as you 22ee850bcd turned away, clutching 54c07deb91 the brush, I 58036a55b2 realized I might 6c97e35e01 never be able 904d1ce10e to draw you.5444f9daee6517c5

Now you know.9023112a823f0dd6

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What I want 5ad14fdca6 to confess.53eba96b884908ff

Why I picked up a58c86d15f the pen.cda68e9c38608a71

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The fact that 0b63311cc7 I had to b48158079b commit so many 0363b2ab4e sins over the ab2d98cb4a ten years by 71060b9ecb your side. The things I 608170f5d3 swallowed back with a0f8906101 my tongue, fearing 40cdbec675 punishment if spoken. Those feelings that made 4f79b5d860 me both miserable and bdda098501 radiant. So now, confessing all 78770ba938 my flaws that ended fbda9a1e89 up holding onto your eb87aa8c93 ankles, teacher.941fbadb23656a85

Me, like this.81aa3ef6393d9e61

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Please pity me.228c498eb3aba904

Look at me as if I’m pitiful, wretched, and lacking.246327a909417d81

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Have some sympathy for the time I couldn’t help but love,a21289a4fc421f2c

For all the things I couldn’t endure without falling in love.336df4e135aa75a9

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I’ve always been like this. Even after showing all my depths, I felt no shame. I begged for a lifetime, relying on your compassion, pretending not to know the things you missed because of it.acce31805dfb1bec

That’s all I knew how to do. Ironically, I ended up resembling the person I least wanted to. I guess innate nature shows itself in moments like these. The things I marked in black, promising not to do, are coming back as punishment. It’s okay, though. They’re all things I chose.933614f0d729bd4e

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But, teacher.367852057255c28a

It’s strange.b9aebfd897788c9e

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I’m holding onto things beyond my means, maybe close to happiness. Why do I feel like I’m wandering my whole life?6312aebf6aa3b1a1

Even though I’m by your side, I feel lost, always longing even when we’re together. I don’t know how to describe this feeling.09532279c9757339

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Some days, 993026a2ca I wished c3f72f51ee you were ccdbd364b2 as shabby 1d2cd24c73 as me, 311e8acf2f having nothing, 9cc062dfe5 not being b51876313a as splendid 311118c28a as others fa0f84a259 desire, so bdc0b9200e only I 4e7068c130 could see e801c192e0 you.f1d2c792b0eed35a

I thought it e3f910cd08 would be nice, f3303aa655 but then some 438a9dd211 days, I cried e9fe5b157f and begged for 0e54a47105 it not to db60aae0c5 be so.bfcf8c0dfa49b922

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Hoping that the layers of misery, like old dust in every corner of my body, and the days I wished tomorrow wouldn’t come, wouldn’t become your reality.41e15a7fe71a9389

……960e7bc5435855cd

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I’m already writing my thirty-eighth letter. Muttering on paper like a sick person, under the pretext of wanting to vomit what I’ve swallowed. But I don’t think I’ll be able to deliver it this time either. Like the thirty-seven crumpled sheets, it’ll never reach you.d381ce3f41bad7ff

Because you are…….52bf7c36fe5cff66

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