TEITF Ch 1
by AmeliaGetting that terminal diagnosis didn’t make the sky fall, nor did it make tears stream down my face. The moment I walked out of the doctor’s office, reality somehow felt… thinner. Eunsong parked her car in the apartment lot and just sat there for ages. Nothing came to mind. Then, around 8:58 PM, she headed home.d77f74d2b4a082ec
Even at twenty-nine today, Eunsong’s curfew was 9 PM. But she’d already told her mom she was going to the hospital for extra test results, so even though she was late, there was no nagging. Not that they asked about the test results or if she’d eaten dinner anyway. Eunsong quietly went to her room and just sat there again, still. Before midnight, she showered and went to bed. So, yeah, it was pretty much exactly like any other day.ccca4c22d652a747
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When she woke up early and sat at the dining table, she almost wondered if that terminal diagnosis from last night had been a dream. Eunsong spooned some rice into her mouth and subtly glanced at her mom. Her mom, with her slender frame and rigid expression, twitched her eyebrows ever so slightly when her eyes met her daughter’s, who’d paused while eating.6e0ef1e940304085
“Got something to say?”d40c2d3c7e25a0c0
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“…Nah, it’s nothing.”f34df97699adea24
“Just say it if you have something to say. Don’t go trying to read people. You make it seem like I’m tormenting you.”68f890ae5893eed7
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Eunsong dropped her 6d4002a082 gaze, unable to a15b416da6 meet the eyes c2c3e4db4f that clearly showed b6486770a0 disapproval. Her mom, who seemed to 448d9b2149 be scrutinizing Eunsong for flaws, dfadc0f211 then spoke.b195837cf94b40bc
“You really gonna go to work dressed like that?”d688837cfa286ce5
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Eunsong put down her spoon and checked her outfit: a light blue blouse, a knit top, and wide-legged cotton pants. It was a neat and plain outfit, nothing particularly off about it. Eunsong looked at her mom quizzically, unable to find an issue, and her mom tapped her neck with her fingertip. The problem was that she hadn’t buttoned it all the way up.ebdab8b95d667c28
“I’ll button it before I leave.”0364133c28c508b2
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“Good, do that. Always be tidy.”188953bff024e405
Her mom’s voice, which Eunsong had heard for twenty-nine years, felt especially stifling. It wasn’t like her mom caring too much about what people thought was anything new.dbebccee579f2d99
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Eunsong’s mom was known in the neighborhood as a devout Christian. She went to church every day and enthusiastically participated in events. Going anywhere other than church on Sunday was something she couldn’t even imagine in her entire life. To Eunsong, her mom was more of a “Deaconess Yang” than “Mom.” Everyone called her mom “Deaconess Yang,” and each time, her mom would be incredibly happy and pleased.558185716208b95a
Her faith was practically her 012ef5b119 life. As a deaconess 902a5afce6 at the biggest b80d7f327d church in the 8785a38e1b neighborhood, she knew 48c6ed00db a lot of 08d987161f people and was 259a86f1fa obsessed with not 920ee0e6ae only herself but 4ad3431393 also her children 8a47c4ca6b always being perfect. They had to be 9551e18c3f presentable to others, not 7f6e2ec4a7 embarrassing, always proper and b98d1ea4e8 tidy wherever they were, fbf6c53c99 and always careful not 0ee18f49cd to bring shame to fe5a8b3bb3 her dad, who was c2866cf4e8 a teacher.cace0d849e3e91fe
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Eunsong was an obedient kid. She was always a model student at school and had never even rebelled a little. Yet, she’d never received a single compliment from her parents. To them, Eunsong was always slow and lacking. No matter how hard she tried, she could never be the child that would please them.bb732ead7e69404e
“Didn’t you say you went to the hospital yesterday?”f84cd13d3d401c63
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“…Uh, yeah…”64e741351d8f8b58
“And you were that late just to hear test results?”375ff4134e80cdee
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The intention behind the probing question was obvious: was she seeing a guy? The suspicion in her mom’s eyes was almost like cold contempt. It was clear she was ready to unleash a merciless torrent of criticism if Eunsong had been “messing around.” Her mom was always wary that Eunsong might embarrass her.4f982e441aef0c11
It didn’t matter that Eunsong had never rebelled. Her mom firmly believed that her daughter couldn’t be an exception to all the “shameful” stories she heard through church members.2ddeb50f4a844da0
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Eunsong feared quiet contempt more than sharp scolding. She was scared of parents who were always ready to criticize. Rather than defying her parents, it was better not to date at all. Besides, with them monitoring her every move, how could she even meet anyone? You’d at least have to make eye contact to exchange even a slight interest. Because of that, people around Eunsong thought she was afraid of guys.5ac8c82e64b573c0
She couldn’t eat with those suspicious eyes on her. In the end, Eunsong couldn’t finish her bowl of rice and got up. Her mom’s displeased gaze followed her, but Eunsong mumbled, “Sorry,” and grabbed her coat, practically running out.fa13ead5a2644508
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“Jang Eunsong!” She heard her mom’s voice behind her but pretended not to and didn’t stop. It was the closest thing to rebellion she’d ever done.122b0309b41e1936
Only after rushing out of the house did she realize how suffocated she’d been all this time. The moment she got into the elevator, Eunsong buried her face in her hands. She still didn’t quite grasp the reality of her sick body, but the doctor’s sympathy when he gave her the terminal diagnosis felt incredibly vivid. The pronouncement that she didn’t have much time left made everything she’d taken for granted unbearable.fe94ccf02a0d9313
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Only half a year left, and she didn’t know when she’d die. Should she spend her remaining time on just that? Waking up at the same time every day, going to work, working without a word, coming home, and going to sleep without anything interesting happening? Spending her days like a hamster on a wheel, always tense and self-conscious of what people thought, just to be a daughter her parents wouldn’t be ashamed of… like yesterday, like today.5307b4afeb7ccdac
She lifted her face from her hands. The woman reflected in the elevator mirror had a stifled look. Like her mom, she had a slender face, a long neck, black hair that had never been dyed, and a gloomy, sunken gaze. Even someone meeting her for the first time would know Eunsong was obedient and couldn’t say no. That she was timid, boring, and shy.130579c1aee73c27
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Eunsong opened her phone and checked her banking app. Unlike her regular savings, she checked the amount in her deposit account, which she’d saved because she had nowhere to spend it. It was enough money to live for at least half a year without returning home. Looking at the amount on the app, the woman’s face in the elevator mirror, and the unbuttoned collar, the end that hadn’t felt real all night finally seemed to be within reach.69640e2d9f60215b
But she still went to work. Eunsong was a little sick of herself for not being able to just skip work, even after getting a terminal diagnosis. If she had the resolve to act on her decisions right away, Eunsong wouldn’t have thought of herself as pathetic and stifled. Her parents suffocated her, but she wasn’t so different.63ff3a549a2c5058
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Eunsong worked as a fea324b284 librarian at the municipal ce5fcfca57 library. As soon as 6fb7d516c4 she got to ff061d7042 work and took f6ce3e3658 off her coat, 2567f8f6cc she tidied up 9b21f32619 her desk area. As she cleaned a9fa2d4649 her desk humidifier f0f5616f1e and filled it f0a8d3c566 with water, colleagues 79e920de07 started arriving one 6614de274e by one.50815829889468dc
“Hey, you’re early.”2aa372744216a3ed
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“Yeah, just kinda happened.”a3c65f9b79d7b59e
“It’s so cold! Ugh, why is it so cold today? When’s it gonna warm up?!”a2354a1624836713
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Mijoo, her colleague f63fecca88 sitting next to 5ad6607c2f her, plopped down eabfba6372 in her chair 03d8c4f34e and grumbled. A chilly winter wind blew e5af78af06 sharply against her nose. Mijoo was especially sensitive to 13045cf094 the cold and hated winter. Eunsong picked up 080eec5e08 a mug and 5b01cfcf1e asked if she 2b91d5954b wanted some warm b6d28a9ca9 coffee, but Mijoo bb7cd8ce30 smiled sweetly and 155565be90 showed her the 044b8fa1bf tumbler in her 378021e734 hand.bced0ec6d86cdf28
Mijoo, who loved coffee so much she was practically addicted, had quit it cold turkey a month ago because she was trying to get pregnant. But she seemed tempted by the fragrant smell, looking longingly at Eunsong’s mug.e1fe73babc36cb9a
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“Just one sip?”cc9e0ccd119ad631
“No way. You’ve been doing so well keeping off it.”48593642cb463d33
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“Yeah, true, it’s a shame…”57178b91b92179db
Mijoo groaned.657bd7815215d116
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“Did you go to the hospital okay yesterday? You said you were going for additional test results.”6478eb781baecf2b
“Oh, yeah. I went.”eaf2800d9c6c9759
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“Nothing else?”d996fb05c60b392d
Eunsong just smiled faintly instead of answering. She didn’t feel like lying, but it also didn’t feel right to tell a coworker something she hadn’t even told her parents yet. It also felt like something bad would happen if she said it out loud herself. Mijoo stared at Eunsong’s smiling face for a moment, then shrugged, looking unimpressed, and said,d78da11e7d267dc0
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“Take it easy today. You work too hard. Look at your complexion.”8456f6adb5207bf6
“Okay, thanks.”bf9755fd002a71ab
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“No prob.”2c6099da0c096dcd
It sounded like she was offering to help, but Mijoo wouldn’t help Eunsong. As always, Mijoo would clearly dump her share of the work on Eunsong. “Sorry, Eunsong-ssi. I have an unavoidable situation. You’ll help, right? Thanks a bunch.” With a cup of coffee and a few words, Mijoo easily used Eunsong.4461ee2227905ef0
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Of course, it wasn’t just Mijoo. Eunsong didn’t really mind doing other people’s work. She often had to work on holidays, but for Eunsong, who hated going to church, it was actually a welcome thing.0f5c747fae0953f4
Eunsong offered Mijoo an awkward smile and turned her attention to the computer screen. She’d already finished organizing the new book list and had more or less wrapped up event preparations. She rested her hands on the keyboard and stared blankly at the screen, muttering to herself,62bcf422cba12535
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‘Things to do before I die. Before I die…’c14f28fa1e203e5a