SSEI | Chapter 3.11

“If you’re really upset, why don’t you try something? Maybe your skill could affect me too.”1c24c9354592547c

He hoped it wouldn’t affect him. Then he might die cleanly without arousing suspicion from that man! Yuan glared at the man, overwhelmed with sorrow.2a9af811c16504dc

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Maybe he was wrong to think this way. He didn’t trust that person just because he helped him regain some memories. He’s a really nasty guy. Why did he even try to trust someone who pointed a blade at his head three times? Maybe the Blue Dot was deceived in a similar way?b5ca4ff62415391d

Yuan felt his f726c05a9f brain melting from 88441673f9 the excitement and a7cbd289e7 anger boiling inside 9ebc6477b3 his head. The heat 8e688dc0d7 burning outside 63f2763d59 was too 3e77040c25 intense, but fe2aa0238a more than fbff7f8cee that, it 3938ed05fe felt like cc53dd4a42 an abnormal 6d9af14a96 amount of 4f5946e5ef emotion was ecc2ff1821 bubbling like d9c951a71e lava inside bc15a870fb his skull.027a8fe409deac67

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Even amidst all 36d17e932f this, his chest 8d447c37d4 and insides felt 79adde8717 strangely cold. It was as f052b80994 if all the 1fd26f006a heat from outside 66bd71abe1 had been taken 221e61925f away.bcb0c98ad2433185

‘I decided to side with you, but you won’t side with me? How could you do that?’7f79f7917131a7c7

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Even though he knew he shouldn’t have expected anything from the start, he felt disappointed and sullen. An extreme emptiness filled his chest, as if he was all alone. It was so cold and empty inside that he needed warmth, but his brain, already hot enough to burn, was taking all the heat away. This bizarre contradiction was completely wrecking his consciousness.ac6e7a64cffc8215

‘I’m lonely.’24f15eb99211a952

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Emotions that completely contradicted reason were eating away at Yuan’s insides. He was so tormented by loneliness that he had no reason to feel right now, it was bone-chilling. He wanted to just sit down and cry, or maybe cling and beg not to be like this.8a33066e6d78c017

‘Why am I like this?’1b3d223d0fff8d3d

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This isn’t a normal emotion. Even if he was betrayed (?), a person’s emotions shouldn’t swing to such extremes, a small piece of surviving reason whispered to Yuan amidst the chaos of his emotions.bfa8c0e2ea15729f

At that moment, 401fcdbf48 a faint realisation 3a92ad4368 hit him. Could this be, is b9dd5f7b83 this your aftereffect?f1ff3d373e2c3f0a

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“What is it? Why are you looking at me like that… Wait, you.”0a28bf14501c72e3

The other person seemed to realize something was off too. The man who had put Yuan down on the ground hesitated and touched his cheek. The heat from the surroundings was so intense that he couldn’t feel the warmth of his cheek, but the scar on Yuan’s cheek was burning hot enough to sting.5263f0a568d03a2a

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Even though he realized that this emotion was the result of absorbing the other’s aftereffects, his heart showed no sign of calming down. No, it was rather stirring more violently, triggering impulses deep in his stomach.65d13b5c5ede7cb6

So it’s all your fault. It’s because of you that I feel so lonely. It was a correct statement, but there was something irrational about the conclusion that forcibly inflated and spread Yuan’s emotions.676342f61b62f04f

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Maybe that’s why Yuan found the man’s hand touching his cheek unbearably annoying.a7e15eb9977bc2b0

“You… Your aftereffect, it’s really funny.”5c6c66c13d35083d

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Yuan grabbed that hand bca2ee76d1 with all his strength. He felt an eb8f02b0c6 overwhelming resentment towards 5330d2b394 the man, yet b292704698 the lukewarm warmth e60db1c794 he felt from c445b2806d his fingertips stirred 700abc82ed his heart. It felt 4b396a2e33 more persistent 58c3079e0b and stimulating 576ca5c885 than the 841aba66af heat surrounding ff65d85c62 him.632e44c4b0349a33

“What?”da968e238e638202

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“It’s an aftereffect that makes you feel extremely lonely and sad. I thought it would be something like paralysis or a painful and agonizing poison like the Blue Dot. But it’s just making me want to whine to the person in front of me. It’s all your fault, what I’m feeling right now.”02e8635dda275b1f

“How is it my fault that you want to whine by yourself? In the first place, my aftereffect isn’t that kind of…”43fa9b484bb6f024

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“Don’t try to fool me, you liar! Now I know why you try to live alone without a partner. Every time you use the disaster, you cry and whine about being sad, so everyone gets fed up and runs away, right? So at some point, you got embarrassed and started killing from the beginning, didn’t you?”a16b1c569eb3444f

“That’s never happened… No, before that. Could it be your skill is…”ee2842cb46d0e127

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Oops, Yuan realized what he had said only after the fact. If he had kept his mouth shut, it wouldn’t have been discovered. A voice in a corner of his consciousness was reflecting on his mistake, but his heart, already dominated by overflowing emotions, couldn’t care about such trivial things.d0f2c6bfeb62b6f2

‘So, now that you’ve figured out what my skill is, are you going to abandon me? Is all that’s left for me to burn to death?’46b322334675aa98

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His brain, completely lost to the aftereffects, was still throwing a nonsensical tantrum. Just like with Lork, you’re going to burn me to death. You’re going to sweep through my mind so I can’t remember anything and then leave me without a care. Only that fear filled his heart, preventing him from thinking straight.6c419662b133db58

How could you just abandon someone like that? You might see me as just another wanderer among many, but from my perspective, you’re the person I’ve had the deepest connection with since I lost my memory and fell into this world. Even if I was killed by you every time.1c895342ca31d208

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I really hate someone like you. But don’t leave me alone. I’m scared of you chasing me, but I’m even more scared if you’re not there. Even while struggling with the contradictory emotions brought by the aftereffects, Yuan curled up in fear of the pain of burning to death. And the emptiness of the ashes that would be left behind.ba795599f03d3a5d

But that childish imagination was quickly extinguished like cold water being poured over it. Something happened that was beyond the realm of what he could have imagined, something he couldn’t have dealt with even if he had held onto his reason properly.175fbdef0fc4b4be

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“…You.”113b2c2a4f8cda94

No fierce flames or the Red Blade slicing through his neck came at him. Instead, the man’s two hands firmly grabbed Yuan’s head and pulled him close to his face.03d329e22de6527f

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Their noses were almost touching. Their faces didn’t fully meet, but the faint breath of the other tickled Yuan’s skin. Yet, to Yuan, that breath felt hotter and more suffocating than the flames surrounding them.a2e60110ef26faa7

“Huh, huh?”3faed727645ffd09

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“I finally found you. That’s why I was drawn to you. How long have I been searching for this…!”b53601da18837588

Yuan met the man’s eyes directly. In his expression, in those eyes, there was a longing and excitement he had never seen before. It was the first time a turbulent emotion appeared on a face that was always calm and indifferent like a lakeside.58d82c563f6c684d

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“No doubt about it. It’s you, right? Yeah, it must be. I finally found you.”5a770c708e727446

“What, what are you going to do now that you’ve found me? Are you going to use me like some kind of totem to absorb your aftereffects again?”9c550fbe5cccb6bc

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“So you were absorbing my aftereffects, huh? The form might be a bit different, but the way of interpreting aftereffects varies from person to person anyway!”1de165392d3453d3

The voice was so filled with emotion that it was hard to tell who was crazy from the aftereffects and who was sane. It sounded more like a beast’s howl than a human voice. Yuan felt a chill down his spine. Maybe it was an unfounded fear that he might be devoured by this man at any moment…aa60d8f4fbdf90f4

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At the same time, fb5315a2cf the realization that this ec65acc81e man needed him hit 5cb10f5c91 him. The little reason 5f9f6bf081 he had left 6e149c3b47 was shouting fear, ef6deda92b while the still 43c3f8a65b rampant aftereffects were 5015683ddb screaming relief and 0756b447d9 excitement.f54f06e490249d85

“Y-yeah, this is all because of you. It’s because of you that I ended up like this. And don’t make lame excuses. You’re just trying to escape with talk of interpretation or whatever!”1cb5c5099992539b

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Different ways 7fd3092c1b of interpreting, 5f9f3e6426 huh? Is he saying he 379c7fb9b4 criticizes with sophisticated vocabulary 20f593744a instead of whining? Yuan, feeling indignant, raised 7d43766f63 his hands to mimic f493df32f8 the man and grabbed 649ad3d8c3 his face.44fd6c883a736524

He wanted 657afc5b9a to shut 214bfa802a that annoying b6619c5894 mouth, to 8137135ed3 stop the 9561242f51 nonsense and 08a082ba7e the tickling 8aa8f3e270 warmth of 72e302fa07 his breath. No, he 4f8aee3a13 was actually 3c74ad5c02 confused if 16a7295ded he really 949d77220f wanted to 92fb680526 shut his 58f4682d53 mouth. He just d51a408951 wanted to ea2455a513 touch the bf03fcf8ff other person.6e7d61cb2e1f26fc

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Yes, Yuan 12624e2d15 actually wanted 637a91dc3b to touch 61d3ac850b the man. The baseless 955412cce4 loneliness and 1211270bda sorrow, the 025a020db5 desire to 92a61f35f8 shut his 206e7d18db mouth, might 378eefc734 fundamentally have 9926019c17 been just 8826680efc an excuse 3b3319b619 to touch e54e88d981 him.7ad7c1d1e936e1a8

He didn’t know where he wanted to touch or what exactly he wanted to do. He just thought that if he touched the other person, he could somehow fill the empty feeling inside. Compared to the surrounding heat, it was lukewarm at best, but he needed that ambiguous yet intense warmth that only a living person could give.d41504f9ef7f0c3a

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“I don’t know. I-I don’t know anything. Anyway, this is all your fault. You have to take responsibility. Don’t kill me again, don’t leave me alone…”af5e13f49ef85d62

The scar on his 1b1241eef5 cheek burned hotter and 784fab1a6e hotter, as if his 4f9b121cd6 brain was melting. His brain, bea1f10ce9 unable to ac983390dc form proper d486884c59 language, could ec105b9492 only spit 0ce8633137 out a 8ace33f5c0 string of b584d2f9ab words that bfe98d7649 barely qualified e5b81eb348 as sentences.0ba37ca472f436a3

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He grabbed the man’s collar and struggled to press their skin together. He knew, unconsciously, that it was an act of taking something from the other, an act that might be harmless to him but extremely dangerous to the other.cfd7bb2ebd25014d

“Fine, you can say it’s all my fault. If you really have what I want, then it’s okay to say it’s all my fault…!”43b767ad6440e204

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“Shut up. It’s not just saying it’s your fault, it really is all your fault. Don’t pretend to be generous. Shut your mouth. I hate this mouth. Nasty mouth. Nasty human.”99831b9b441c83ad

Surely, in terms of strength alone, Yuan couldn’t possibly overpower the man, but the man seemed to be losing strength, staggering and then collapsing. Yuan instinctively knew he was absorbing something from the man. Something that temporarily filled his cold, empty inside, the fuel needed to emit a light that could burn anything.d787d6f856dc5fb6

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‘More, just a little more.’8abd21c2fa773199

Yuan pinned the man down and climbed on top of him. Thinking he could absorb more fuel by touching skin, he tried to take off the man’s clothes, but the structure of these clothes was so complicated that they wouldn’t come off easily.ef842dc36fe642a7

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At this point, it wasn’t just about taking off clothes; it was more like pressing hands firmly against the chest. The fact that his chest muscles were quite thick and unnecessarily pleasant to the touch only added to the annoyance.a0926bca6faa925f

“Your actions are quite clumsy. I thought you’d know the basics since you said you had a lover.”2b76c4aa334b25ea

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This guy, despite being unable to use his strength and lying down, was mocking Yuan. Feeling bad about it, Yuan struggled with the clothes, and the man, using his last bit of strength, reached out and pulled Yuan’s face closer.857ad007b065d0e4

“Learn the method. I’ll teach you.”1f8b520f954360f0

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“…!”091f49a1ff1c0237

“I feel sorry for the one you call your lover, but if that’s really your specialty… you’ll be doing it often from now on.”5839fa6ff910ddc4

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As soon as he c971c4da1c finished speaking, the man 1dadc02059 lifted his head and cc5c36269f kissed Yuan. At that 0470111fa6 moment, Yuan 15ff6412b4 felt an effdf98f5a intense heat 981d0e587c flowing down a624fad187 his throat.69f05a8db0d00efb