SHN Chapter 4

“……Just this once.”

It was just having a meal together. It wasn’t something that would harm Hyun Seonwoo.

This time, he intended to enter into the app that he would pay for the meal. Even if buying Hyun Seonwoo a meal meant he might have to starve for two more days, it was fine.

This coming Monday. Hyun Seonwoo will have a meal with Lee Daon. Lee Daon will pay for the meal.

“…….”

Guilt pricked his heart again.

But perhaps because it was already so bruised, it didn’t hurt as much as the first time.

🍥

Fortunately, his uncle didn’t visit his workplace again. Perhaps because Lee Daon looked anxious, the owner said he had given a description of his uncle to the security guard at the entrance to the warehouse.

And so, Monday arrived without incident. His body was extremely tired from working hard all weekend and having to attend his 8 AM class.

“Ha……”

The results of making calls here and there on his way to school were dismal. He had found out where his uncle had gotten his new contact information.

It was the second orphanage he had lived in.

They had given his uncle his number, just in case, after hearing his uncle’s words about wanting to live with Lee Daon, his family. It seemed the records he had written down when leaving the third orphanage had been shared.

Unfortunately, the information about Lee Daon getting into a good university had also leaked. The director of the orphanage, who was proud of Lee Daon, seemed to have unintentionally passed on the information to the second orphanage, unaware of the circumstances.

Because of that, he now had to worry about his uncle barging into the school.

It was a day he wanted to just collapse in his room. He had no appetite or motivation, but Lee Daon still dragged himself to school.

Because he would be able to see Hyun Seonwoo for a longer time today.

However, the small hope he had desperately clung to crumbled the moment class ended.

“…….”

He had expected Hyun Seonwoo to ask him to lunch as soon as their 8 AM class ended, just like last time. But strangely, nothing happened, even after the professor left.

He looked towards Hyun Seonwoo, whom he had been conscious of since earlier. He was busily leaving with his friends.

Lee Daon just blankly stared at his retreating back. He suddenly felt pathetic for relying on something like the hypnosis app.

“Daon, do you want to have lunch together?”

The classmate sitting next to him spoke. Soothing his churning stomach, he barely managed to meet her eyes.

“Sorry… I’m… not feeling well….”

As he answered with difficulty, his face pale, the classmate anxiously advised him to go to the infirmary. He felt very sorry for always refusing her.

Leaving the lecture hall alone, Lee Daon trudged across the campus.

He felt dejected, wondering if his face was really that awful. He walked with his head down as usual. He planned to spend some time in a deserted place and then go to his next class.

Then, he suddenly remembered that he hadn’t specified “lunch” in the hypnosis app.

“…….”

He instantly felt pathetic again. He hated how he was acting like someone clutching at straws.

It was while he was walking forward again, supporting himself with his familiar self-loathing, that someone spoke from behind.

“Oh, hey. Do you want to have lunch together?”

The familiar voice felt like salvation.

“Ah, hello.”

He turned around in surprise, and it really was Hyun Seonwoo. He felt like a miracle, appearing just as he was about to give up hope.

“Why are you so surprised? Don’t you want to eat?”

“Well……”

Lee Daon, who was about to nod reflexively, hesitated. Come to think of it, hadn’t Hyun Seonwoo left with his friends earlier as if he had something important to do?

He seemed very busy, so why did he come back alone?

Thinking this far, the blood drained from his face. This situation wasn’t a miracle or salvation. It was the result of him doing something terrible to Hyun Seonwoo.

“W-what about your… friends?”

He asked urgently. If Hyun Seonwoo was here against his will, he had to fix it.

“Huh? Oh, they have a team project for another class. I just helped them move some stuff and was on my way to lunch alone.”

“Ah……”

However, he felt a great sense of relief at the following words. It seemed Hyun Seonwoo had planned to eat alone from the beginning.

It was worthwhile that he had lingered nearby instead of going somewhere else. In this situation, it wouldn’t be strange to have lunch with a high school junior he didn’t know well.

“I’ll eat.”

“Let’s go.”

As he nodded and quickly answered, Hyun Seonwoo smiled again.

As he stared blankly at his face, a slender arm draped over Lee Daon’s shoulder.

The moment they got closer, his whole body stiffened. Blood rushed to his ears, and they felt like they would burst. He was worried that he looked ridiculous to Hyun Seonwoo, who was looking down at him.

He didn’t think he had ever seen Hyun Seonwoo being this physically affectionate with his friends before….

“Are you uncomfortable?”

“N-no….”

Lee Daon mumbled his reply as they walked, half-embraced. He was uncomfortable, but he didn’t dislike it. His heart was just pounding like it would explode.

A ticklish feeling seemed to gnaw at his skin. Feeling like he might even forget how to walk, Lee Daon struggled to act as if everything was normal.

“Junior, you’re shorter than I thought. Is it because your face is small?”

“Ah, I haven’t grown taller since high school….”

He diligently responded to Hyun Seonwoo’s words. Lee Daon knew well that he looked even smaller because he always walked with his head down, in addition to his stunted growth.

Even though he was being pointed out for being insignificant, he still felt good. Perhaps because of the string of bad events over the weekend, he felt a bit lucky today. He was able to go to lunch with Hyun Seonwoo more naturally than last time.

“Have you formed a team for our class project?”

“Ah… I think I’ll probably… um, do it with a classmate.”

“Hmm, that female classmate?”

“Y-yes.”

The word “our” strangely stuck in his ears. He quickly collected himself, thinking it was a bit creepy how he was fixating on something so trivial.

Actually, he had run out of antidepressants since yesterday. But it was a big problem because he couldn’t afford the expensive hospital fees with the money he had left.

“What do you want to eat?”

“Um… set B.”

He chose the cheapest meal available today. As it was cheap, it had fewer tasty side dishes. Hyun Seonwoo chose the set next to it.

As Hyun Seonwoo stepped forward as if to pay, Lee Daon quickly took out his wallet and said,

“I’ll! I’ll pay.”

Since he had been treated last time, it was only right for Lee Daon to pay this time. Perhaps the hypnosis app was helping him, as Hyun Seonwoo stopped abruptly.

“……Alright.”

After successfully paying, Lee Daon quickly handed the meal ticket to Hyun Seonwoo. Fortunately, he had prepared his wallet in advance, unlike last time.

“…I’ll enjoy this.”

“Okay.”

Even though buying this meal meant Lee Daon would have to skip another day of food, he thought it was worth it.

“…….”

“…….”

However, Hyun Seonwoo didn’t speak at all during the meal today. Lee Daon kept observing him, noticing the stark contrast to last time.

He had mentioned moving something earlier. Could he be very tired because of that?

“Let’s grab a cup of coffee.”

But unexpectedly, after finishing their meal, Hyun Seonwoo made another suggestion.

Actually, he really didn’t have money to buy coffee, but Lee Daon fidgeted and nodded.

“…Okay.”

In the first place, there was no way he could refuse anything Hyun Seonwoo suggested.

He was just happy.

Fortunately or unfortunately, Hyun Seonwoo offered to buy the coffee, making Lee Daon feel even more uncomfortable.

“Why don’t you just have a different coffee?”

“Oh, no. …I like this.”

Hyun Seonwoo was originally heading towards a franchise coffee shop. Only after composing himself, his palms sweating, could he finally suggest getting coffee from a vending machine.

Fortunately, Hyun Seonwoo readily agreed. The bench in front of the vending machine was empty. And Hyun Seonwoo was silent again.

It was strange, considering he was the one who suggested they talk. Could the things he moved earlier have been very heavy?

“You have to go to your freshman class soon, right?”

“……Ah, right.”

Lee Daon, who had completely forgotten about his class, replied blankly. All his mental energy had been consumed by observing Hyun Seonwoo’s expression.

It felt strange that he remembered his next class. He forced himself to calm his emotions, which were about to run wild again.

Don’t cross the line.

As he clenched and unclenched his fists, looking down at the coffee in the paper cup, Hyun Seonwoo suddenly asked an unexpected question.

“Are you dating the classmate you always sit with?”

“Yes? My classmate?”

It took him a moment to understand the unexpected question. Blinking several times as he reflexively looked at Hyun Seonwoo, Lee Daon answered in a fluster.

“…N-no. It’s not like that.”

His mouth became dry with nervousness. Most of the rumors that tormented Lee Daon during middle school were like that. That he was dating someone, that he stole someone’s girlfriend, and so on.

Naturally, they were all groundless. The people involved in the rumors were very displeased with Lee Daon. The beginning of his long period of ostracization was also being assaulted by a bully who believed Lee Daon had caused him to break up with his girlfriend.

Lee Daon was anxious that his classmate might be uncomfortable being associated with someone like him. He felt a sense of obligation to clarify things more firmly, almost out of desperation.

“Absolutely not.”

“Really?”

Hyun Seonwoo didn’t seem to take the situation seriously. He was afraid that repeating himself would make him seem like he was talking back to his senior.

Change the subject. After racking his brain, Lee Daon brought up a topic that seemed as natural as possible in this situation.

“H-how about you, senior? How long have you been with your girlfriend?”

“Who?”

He remembered the rumor he had heard at the orientation. However, Hyun Seonwoo raised an eyebrow and asked back, puzzled.

“That second-year senior in our department, with really long hair……”

His stammering voice couldn’t have been more foolish.

He was especially nervous talking about the person he presumed to be Hyun Seonwoo’s girlfriend. Strangely, his peers always seemed to dislike it when he showed interest in someone’s girlfriend like this.

“Ah. I don’t have a girlfriend.”

However, the answer that came out was quite unexpected. As he stared blankly at Hyun Seonwoo, he gracefully stood up.

“Let’s go. We have to get to class.”

“Okay……”

Just like that, Hyun Seonwoo walked away, leaving Lee Daon behind without a second glance. His expression, as he moved away, seemed even stiffer than before.

Lee Daon didn’t move from his spot until it was almost time for class.

He kept replaying the time he had spent with Hyun Seonwoo. The psychiatrist said it was a bad habit, but he couldn’t stop.

Hyun Seonwoo’s stiff expression lingered in his vision like grains of sand.

🍥

The next day.

Lee Daon busily looked around as he walked to his morning class.

He really wanted to greet Hyun Seonwoo if he saw him. He had run out of his sleeping pills, and Hyun Seonwoo’s expression lingered in his mind, causing him to toss and turn all night.

But as soon as he entered the college building, a conversation caught his ear.

“That Hyun Seonwoo guy, I heard he’s dating Lee Jiyeon.”

“Really? He kept saying he wasn’t.”

“That’s what I’m saying. It’s been a while, apparently. A lot of guys who liked Lee Jiyeon are going to be crying. I heard a few of them already confessed.”

He reflexively looked and saw that they were upperclassmen from the same department. One of them was incredibly bulky.

“But why don’t I see the guy who confessed to Lee Jiyeon last week? He’s in our morning major class, right?”

“Who knows. Maybe he’s too embarrassed to show up?”

Seeing their sneering expressions, Lee Daon reflexively hid his face and turned away. They were the same people he had seen at the orientation, but fortunately, they passed by without noticing him.

His heart pounded. Lee Daon couldn’t pinpoint exactly what he was feeling.

His steps slowed involuntarily. Just a moment ago, all he had wanted was to see Hyun Seonwoo, but now he felt like something heavy was weighing on his chest.

As he slowly approached the back door of the lecture hall, he saw Hyun Seonwoo surrounded by people in the distance.

His expression was slightly stiff, but he looked quite relaxed. As he took one step after another closer to him, a belated realization struck Lee Daon.

Why did Hyun Seonwoo lie to him yesterday?

A familiar and ominous feeling washed over him. Wanting to deny it, he lingered even closer to Hyun Seonwoo than usual.

Hyun Seonwoo looked at him sooner than he expected. Just as Lee Daon opened his eyes in anticipation and was about to lower his head in greeting,

Hyun Seonwoo looked away.

“…….”

Why?

Even he, oblivious as he was, could clearly understand Hyun Seonwoo’s intention. Unable to approach any further, Lee Daon faltered and stepped back.

He slumped down dejectedly in the seat farthest from everyone in the lecture hall. His slowly turning mind processed the situation.

Hyun Seonwoo was clearly displeased with him about something. Was he annoyed that they ate together yesterday? Was it because he couldn’t properly answer his questions? He probably shouldn’t have brought up his girlfriend.

Various thoughts tossed Lee Daon around. His breath seemed to catch in his throat, and his head gradually sank towards the desk.

Until the weekend was almost upon them, Hyun Seonwoo continued to ignore Lee Daon.

🍥

“…….”

With a haggard face, Lee Daon trudged towards school. Even he thought his face looked monstrous, so he couldn’t bring himself to walk with his head up.

He had barely slept, so he wasn’t in any condition to get out of bed. It was already Friday, and from tomorrow, he would have to do strenuous work all weekend.

So, no matter how important his scholarship was, resting would have been the rational decision given how unwell he felt. Even though he knew that, Lee Daon found himself in the lecture hall whenever he came to his senses.

Because otherwise, he wouldn’t be able to see Hyun Seonwoo.

The fact that he had run out of medication seemed to make his mental state even worse. Usually, at times like this, all he could do was comfort himself by thinking of his memories with Hyun Seonwoo.

That had been his habit for a long time, but now, thinking of Hyun Seonwoo made his heart ache. His mental state seemed to be deteriorating, and his frustration kept building up.

He wasn’t asking for much from Hyun Seonwoo. Just a glimpse of his face from afar, a single warm greeting.

Even just that would be enough to let him breathe.

Could it be that Hyun Seonwoo found it unpleasant that a gloomy person like him approached him? If he knew the reason, he could fix it.

He had been clinging to his love for Hyun Seonwoo like a lifeline for too long. Because of this, Lee Daon had forgotten how to let go.

Moreover, his desires kept growing endlessly, even in this situation. Especially after masturbating to him, he clearly felt the uncontrollable swelling of the desire within him.

It was deeply embarrassing. He was often told that he was being greedy without knowing his place, and it was absolutely true. He was incorrigible, unable to change even after being punished.

He had many opportunities to see Hyun Seonwoo in the past few days. However, every time, Hyun Seonwoo ignored his greetings and passed by.

In their shared class this morning, they didn’t even make eye contact. Perhaps because he was busy, Hyun Seonwoo left the lecture hall quickly.

“Ha……”

He didn’t remember how he managed to sit through the rest of his classes, sleep-deprived as he was.

All that remained was the thought that he could finally go home. Lee Daon forced his unresponsive legs to move.

He headed straight for his studio apartment. He passed by the vending machine where he last spoke to Hyun Seonwoo.

He looked at the spot with a longing expression and was about to start walking again when he noticed someone standing in the smoking area next to the vending machine.

The reason why Lee Daon, who usually kept his head down, looked that way was clear. It was Hyun Seonwoo.

With the senior who was known to be his girlfriend.

“I didn’t mean to do it either. I’m sorry.”

Hyun Seonwoo was leaning against the wall. His girlfriend was saying something in front of him. It was dark, so he couldn’t see their expressions clearly, but they seemed quite affectionate.

Having unintentionally witnessed their rendezvous, Lee Daon faltered and stepped back in a fluster. For some reason, he felt like Hyun Seonwoo would dislike him even more if he was caught watching them.

But of all things, an empty can rolled into his heel, making a loud noise.

“Ah……”

“…….”

The two of them were standing inside a corner of the alley. Perhaps because they couldn’t see Lee Daon’s face, Hyun Seonwoo, who had been leaning against the wall, took a step into the light.

Hyun Seonwoo’s face, recognizing Lee Daon, slowly crumpled.

As if he was truly disgusted.