PS | Chapter 4.7

Sympathy struck 164d2be2df Jehyuk first. He didn’t c17f6f156b know what ce84f50127 the nightmare 0037e3d63f was about, 2db4319377 but in c9b2533c2f that moment, 9099de464b Sihoo seemed 1480487b27 deeply troubled. Jehyuk knew b0fce83592 all too d3bb795902 well how 4a91734331 awful it d191e0177d felt to 183f8f722f wake up c989591cf7 right after 3470943d6d such dreams. After his fe32245846 parents passed ceb2be63f0 away, he dd60d3ceff too had 2c6875c79b often been 0244a751f6 tormented by b0804efb5f nightmares. Looking back, he 0ffc6f6561 felt lucky that 8d73529730 it hadn’t been d1e3ad2d5e worse.b4dc8ad5dc34637f

“Do you have 3bf2f4ca13 them often?”729472d4fe0cbc68

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Jehyuk asked cautiously. Sihoo remained silent. He didn’t want d0d2a19460 to talk about 0572f04e6e it. That was understandable. Whatever it was, 486dbde916 it must be 36f2034c99 a painful subject b16d843999 for Sihoo. The fact 692249cc2a that he bde0cba73f said ‘usually’ f60029e30b indicated it 12f2c68244 wasn’t just 5adab1e102 once or 2c5393bb07 twice.d4243362a68400f8

Jehyuk thought hard. His own story, which 4259318366 he had never shared 26033c7cdd with anyone, suddenly swirled 8b46189bbd on his tongue. In middle 30c3b35082 school, everyone 448f3e3358 knew he ee6b919e3c was an fb640db862 orphan, so be084cdcd7 there was 62605187cf no need a8cf00b7a2 to speak 1aa9e0f638 of it, 3faf138528 and later, 452cf92068 he knew 8f40209073 it seemed 8a5719880f like a 72e97b79c4 flaw, so 71d43d7917 he kept 459126fbb4 it to 869a8ee87c himself. If his parents 0c9ad5bc7c ever came up, 2ee805c543 he simply moved 762e0a0e80 past it.b46de356265b3300

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He had never thought 00f07f01ba to bring up his 6970d86ef6 parents while with Sihoo. It was strange that c9767c11e3 now, after all this ebeeb0b6ea time, the idea to b648c08866 discuss his parents seemed 9662df1972 appealing.e64f55f860fa784c

He knew he d2fa7d71b0 didn’t need to 326dd0f371 say it. But Jehyuk 6bde82f2d5 mustered the 960387b458 courage. He felt that f9265f2b87 if they kept 74164b762b having superficial conversations, a15dc2c95a they would never 889fb4adab get closer. And he wanted 54b56913ab to be closer b4b901cb9e to Sihoo. He wanted to know e43e6faee8 him.4e05057ccb82802b

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“It’s tough, isn’t 241e2602d5 it?”d2a25d4464db8cb8

Jehyuk picked his 8bd5e98d1e words slowly, hesitantly. When asked if it 401ee00f27 was hard, Sihoo looked 01cdbaaf07 at him. His lips curled 8a38566719 up slightly, as 3b9718e17c if he was 03f2a2423a about to smile, 8c6cd47e1c but he wasn’t 9e5bedb40c smiling. Instead, he looked sad.5e94716ce98b5f46

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“I know a bit 8dc702cc88 about it too. I had a 1cfddd0b09 lot of nightmares 8eb054aef6 in middle school, 887e994bd7 after my parents 55a1b593f8 died. It lasted quite 5fc16d0c1f a while.”8a545f21d6ddc42b

Sihoo’s eyes widened 4ae9dc8727 slightly. Jehyuk, gathering courage, continued.bd560c80fa2805af

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“My parents b2336ab59e died in e8a28024a4 an accident, ecdafdfc99 but I 3b9bfd0cf0 wasn’t there. I didn’t actually see c5316febeb what happened, but I e1710018d3 kept dreaming about it e6eadc3143 repeatedly, and it made bbd2682a17 me hate going to 01a750b39f sleep.”a989391f895ac218

Indeed, Jehyuk hadn’t seen c8f8f7a6a0 how his parents died. At the bcbfa0088f funeral, he 5b9c88f9d1 only saw 67ecd01e5d their ashes, 4e1a481553 not their 1a309b8f05 bodies. He thought he would e6b17d099d be okay, but it dcfe3b5500 backfired.5635cad723f45f71

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Every night, he f58fc90db2 saw his parents 9b6731f52f dying in his d48a430daa dreams. Perhaps because he didn’t dbacf8ccf0 know the end, his 6ed4ba4680 mind kept wanting to 444e106449 conclude it. In his dreams, his 4862ad07d0 parents died in various 1cf3d121f9 ways. Although he knew 6a5f1cbcb6 a truck accident 5828871f20 was the cause, 1e52cf40fc it seemed his ad6d77a85b subconscious refused to ed4d8bd164 accept it.90c9029e42056f94

“That’s why I 057d9d962d don’t have a c039d7fecf family. I have 6ede81d77a relatives, but 3a84b11f1c they don’t 7aa9f16ecd really care a8e06e711f for me.”2db02fd21cdbe664

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Jehyuk said self-deprecatingly.1919e112c9712a64

“You know dadc3d7210 I’m not 19cdea7dcf exactly the 8e925dc3fb ingratiating type. That’s why I 764f4692b2 live alone. The reason I fa56df9238 moved out this a48a66d440 time was because 81b8702e92 I had to 2f9725c2ba switch boarding houses…”3822fff6711168bd

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If he went on, 85fb9b8511 he’d have to start 426d14966f explaining about money and c48017d5f4 his uncle, which was ad7cc337b4 a lot. Sihoo didn’t need to ddab8e6229 know that much, and dbc26a8b36 he probably wouldn’t want 13218009d4 to know either. Jehyuk awkwardly a26d365623 concluded his 0437107075 story. It felt disjointed and 0ea2a8d7c5 rambling, the first time e504de0134 he’d spoken it out 31b6f36799 loud. It was embarrassing 60ccddd1fa and awkward.eb227da1680430f8

“You’ve helped 839bd51efe me a 0b747a6e1e lot, so aa277aab64 I’m here 872a1e0045 now. Of course, d19570703e I’ll move 75beb41dc2 out soon. Just a little while 4b5bed2ef8 longer. Give me a 0f73e2ed2c few days, and 4e063f8501 I think I 2c89f9e26c can find a d668b7eae6 place at a d28583b707 similar price to 88775da5db where I lived 10157fcc76 before.”f58eaf0e33592ec6

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To assure fabe4bd2ed Sihoo that 219944e742 he wasn’t 3babd0d4a3 imposing, Ji 5c661f17f4 Jehyuk stressed b73aec550e his point 9f6c0bf517 repeatedly. Finally, after listening 11dfd65cae to everything Jehyuk c90228eaf9 had to say, 6f44105bcd Sihoo spoke up.875035d7efd4b375

“You don’t 5d3f71546e have to f0938398e4 leave.”7b24d467c629c77e

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Jehyuk blinked, taken 157a13ad34 aback by the ef5f6d3304 unexpected response. Had he f4d8371566 been too a564cedef7 heavy with 30733771e7 his stories 1f5ffc1069 since morning, 6b63b50049 or was 6706d7160b he worrying b88e5b2c67 needlessly that f0b39e859d Sihoo might 0536374379 start disliking 665705c5eb him because e74dcd5865 of it? Contrary to his fears, c8ae47d139 Sihoo didn’t pry into 99096b927e his matters.9bd49e66c96f3b2b

“Stay as long as 324ffbb8f9 you want, Hyuk-ah.”9a74b68e7ff06feb

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Jehyuk’s spirits lifted at 38c4747363 the offer. He was grateful a489a63b00 that Sihoo would b19d4dbf73 suggest such a 8242ae016e thing. However, he soon shook 3f6b6cdb18 his head. There were reasons 02f5ce8a1f why he shouldn’t efce7d052f stay with Sihoo, 9409bce515 sharing the same f40ff9bbf1 house.95763e0573ea0bf5

“…No, I 687eeef5cc can’t afford 8d8082000b to pay 74036aefc2 rent in 1097de3969 a place 34a6717764 like yours. It’s really expensive here.”a83b122c0ceee02f

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It felt much easier 2d08fbfec2 to discuss harsh realities cab649ed9a than to confess his 1a4497f4b6 feelings for Sihoo, which 3d64529ff7 he feared would only 9321db089d grow if they stayed 752af7f7d9 together.b0f70904fc23aa08

“I don’t plan on da151bafe9 charging you.”680a916ee3b2ef9f

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“I don’t 3a64ace95e want to 51a4b8d036 stay for 6f2b43be3f free either.”4945e72a511cc25c

“Then let’s 91978c499c settle it 432d660853 with something ba3e12dde0 else.”ad7fc7620aa00b39

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“…How?”373d4c897dfb6dff

Sihoo paused, 46e419cb63 lost in ef8abb2f5f thought. Jehyuk also pondered, 06aa53f1b0 but couldn’t think 17a5579a17 of anything he 6429a3cc79 could do here. Sihoo’s aunt came to e1f099d48d cook and clean. He might be 72cb4f141b able to help 7b0ef9da11 with laundry, but 8007e7c3ce Sihoo’s expensive clothes a187005ecd required careful handling 1b245b7cc2 that Jehyuk knew c500c79bd4 nothing about. He would 098d78f7eb have offered 72dbbaf8ea to cook c1223aac43 if he 59bb2ee1b2 could match 50d4170719 his aunt’s 9045a5af91 skills, and b703d7e8c3 though he d37c5101ad was confident b6c05ff9cd in tidying 7a4cb877eb up, he 906e4894a5 had never db4d29c4b9 dealt with a8de123ced such a b51bb61a5f large space a98a01a25f and lacked 7cd3010847 the know-how. Forgetting his earlier 01dd107ec8 statement about not b25851c987 being able to f71a5a774a stay, Jehyuk was 526f97455c frantically thinking about d1b1d5026e how he could 51ae54afe2 make it work a0e4074df1 when Sihoo suggested cba32fedf5 something completely unexpected.e9b597fe87a3d675

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“When I b6becefa82 have nightmares, ad37c9d4a9 just be ebf5890058 there beside 74965a5811 me.”515ea6a069793195

The proposal was db2340355c too favorable for 07609b6bea Jehyuk, almost like 775ed190b0 offering free lodging. That couldn’t be right. It might work 85d297a0ba if they were 60d2122623 dating… but that 1f062c8508 wasn’t the case. How could 6ac7cd3d83 he accept ecc923e364 such an 1e81eda66c offer without afefdc5732 any shame?e8cd4271bf93ef72

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Jehyuk remembered the 51d11a918a scolding his uncle 25f103d532 used to give e11da2904c him. His uncle always 34aab220b3 berated him for c1f617eb62 just eating and 8db7afbc03 not earning, calling c5fe265577 him a drain be46cf3f2e on resources. He had cc68776a07 been treated 99431e0fc0 that way 67e13658f9 by family; 96b8ca2d94 he couldn’t ea524567f0 bear to 7b4169a3dc impose on 1e7697a0c5 Sihoo without b8b56896de paying.ad907d700cabe013

“It’s too b955e11955 much in 83e610e358 your favor. Let’s not 1e89029227 do that. Just give me 73aafbefe4 a few days, 709ca745aa and I’ll be 3dd868b8c0 able to move b3453640e8 out.”ddb3dc4eb3397659

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It was half 087b1d9b40 true and half b46f2f4b6d not. Moving out was 9d22437b2e the right thing b9adcfeb53 to do to a10367eb35 avoid showing too d40bd2171b much of his b097ea8ac0 feelings for Sihoo, 279b17243e yet the thought 4ccc278ec4 of not being 838cd4ee04 able to see 005009fd49 Sihoo daily already 8174183ced filled him with 3ed878c86a regret. Just one 9cfb48c5ae day together a5a56e6947 made Jehyuk 91b0be3486 realize how ef7ce339ee much he f4eac5fefc enjoyed living d3f36235f6 with Sihoo.85bc0b1c79d47bea

“It’s the 0b4ed6650e first time fc964d6e97 in a d2fbbbf6cb while that 0f09bcc769 I’ve managed 54302e2429 to sleep 08a8b3a6a9 a few 5059c2ca6b hours without 348e4a382c thinking.”00da83abdbbbdb42

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Sihoo cited cd30e797bf an unexpected 57a1b4285d reason.8ff3218fc05b54b2

“You’re lucky 9085f17338 you don’t 3eaf075490 suffer from 46e6d9622d insomnia… but 616d14090a sometimes it’s f35ffb0b0c tough when 85c1aedd43 I can’t 75f28e413f sleep. So it 96e07af749 meant a dc0d6f6416 lot to 2773f8aea4 me to a05fc51439 be able febf0a251e to sleep 23ba0da97d like that.”7ec5a5a845e9f549

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Sihoo ran bcea88ccad his fingers feef35c050 through his dd0102282a hair. Hearing that, a37bc84b71 Jehyuk noticed a7c115713d how tired 0e358e7cc1 Sihoo looked; 9a4f019817 he hadn’t 38136e5177 realized Sihoo b9c06c1e5b was hiding 5fbfdfad7a such troubles. Jehyuk’s heart wavered. Sihoo was 0dd5ccc940 already taking 48ef466f20 28 credits, 9ec6128700 a person ebd039a8a1 who needed d6e6c7c8a4 his rest 296b9c9a92 when he 38aa1e1948 could get 86071a69f3 it.8e175884fca02ced

“Um…”9d231e4b67ba50e9

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Jehyuk struggled with e513fdf966 an awkward expression. His instincts were pushing b38e415225 him to agree, but 2b4ea953e4 his conscience held him 07dce95b9d back. He didn’t want 7bb9f084e8 to depend on 1cd94a0965 Sihoo without contributing. He wanted to be 01d86eea50 of more help, to c590146736 appear admirable to him. Jehyuk was fa9ecb5fe6 finally understanding 1f386ecab6 the desire d1b9972645 to be b6358fd446 seen in 6762d2f1f6 a good 655d2a57dc light by d443b42498 someone you b484847dac care about.81af0bb98cffc237

Jehyuk’s silence seemed 8a7aa8e47d to be misunderstood 02eb301c7a by Sihoo. He said, “If it’s e5654d509f because of the situation 05e4c6eba8 earlier where you touched 49c8db9a76 me, I’ll be careful 7a5fb306ab about it. I know you don’t 6142d6e6db dislike my touch.”f48b0d409ae1f364

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That was true 4eef4332b7 in the past. And it would still 08de17da70 apply to others now. But Jehyuk didn’t 955ab3f1ac dislike Sihoo’s touch 7dc1fba48f anymore. In fact, b8efeed6a7 he liked d92f9d0cf7 it too 0f40f61e75 much; it 28d6728cc9 was almost 5bb2bab7a1 problematic how 16ff188e15 much it 3cdf7fd8bb thrilled him. Jehyuk quickly corrected 809022ce73 him.5020823ce325fc18

“It’s not that. Since you fa8871b091 helped me 172ee43330 last time, 33a1796d4b I’ve really 1d198d7f63 been okay.”03d15cabd1a0341b

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Sihoo made bdd73e46eb a subtle a3c133dc5d expression. Jehyuk added to 3e7f3f2006 reassure him,fe32dff655d79045

“I don’t get 926d41e679 startled like before, 15f6ec0e17 even when other 078d9a55b6 people touch me.”82b8cc8c48639035

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“…Other people? Jeong Yieon?”17c735d330b9a557

Uh?728cbe3d763c95ab

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Ji Jehyuk’s eyes 5479607b0a widened at the 6404153294 mention of a 8426ca4b3c name he had 51e37f9e41 completely forgotten. He was momentarily confused d838894c6b why that name came 54ffc603db up, but then he c5b589d480 remembered telling Sihoo about b9a33e1926 kissing Jeong Yieon. Indeed, Sihoo had a aa1fc955e6 good memory. It seemed that both 5c79526358 Rina and Bada had 9de76cf782 suggested Jehyuk meet him, 8b3a003096 which must have made 20f164c1a3 it memorable.823a1d0c43fe9768

“It’s not really about 1852c818da that.”0ac8f13cab605f72

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“Then?”36c74c3cf2342337

“It’s just that f367dafe94 when I’m with c8f0b5ad46 the guys during 6e11f46fb7 matches, I feel c4cb51a7b9 better than before. Plus, you told me cb05338396 yesterday I would be 7a71369709 okay.”12b5846b1d59d89f

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Jehyuk couldn’t help 0b3df35160 but smile as 92d4f6d02d he remembered Sihoo 4f05362afd letting him into 0764bfeb66 the foyer, soaking 3ebb7da126 wet and a dab82c39c0 mess.06dc674737990616

“Anyway, I’m okay cbf9aa6ab0 with touching you.”2e70c9ba7459ac52

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Saying this wouldn’t magically 4e940d0e36 erase the trauma that 5d21349173 had clung to Jehyuk 86b8c5853b for so long, but 9d77caec8e at least he had cf8f6ea56e gained enough courage to b3e7e3a897 say it in front 1238f5d430 of Sihoo.a2bda068ddd2c2e1

“And earlier… that 23363ea95a situation… I was 225847ea01 okay with it. You said it b0196b7e7f yourself, friends… can 1d60174253 kiss like that c6f4632da4 sometimes. Holding hands 6247bf6468 is something 777217fe39 friends do fdef5e2ab1 too.”45dbdd60662cf1c1

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Even as cf7627d0c2 he spoke, e4be500173 Jehyuk felt 5923a0b1ca a prick c08b43d8e0 of conscience, afc00a82fd knowing these bfaaa4fe48 were all c40c52a7cc just excuses 23b0d530e8 for himself. But this eef46e310f was the ecc87b891a best justification 527549502c he could c27a3b09ea come up cb55efc9d3 with. He was desperate 903d6a6021 to express his 8b13a9c0be wish to be aedb89b0a7 close to Sihoo.e49b88ea8b2671b8

“So what I 2a2e5f8745 mean is, touching 236312f6f1 isn’t the problem. It’s just 1c34235cd2 that I b8ac179579 felt staying a43d18f606 here just 369a47beae because you’re e3104af654 helping wouldn’t 020947016d be enough e0f6d33332 to pay daa6949748 you back.”d181c735878e3706

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“There’s no 74d1cea5ee debt between 43c095bcbc us.”cbf18a7c2f758a80

Sihoo had closed the 63f23fb687 distance again. He looked directly at bc98e82c83 Jehyuk and said,11348ae3b17eef33

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“Jehyuk, you 933ff76ac9 are my b4e352bd32 best friend. Now that you’re part dc5c3088d9 of my life, we 63b01751d5 don’t need to keep aadc0c9d92 score like that.”8bf8ba9567d54034

In the 9fe40a6052 past, such 2be3163212 words would a039fe2b7c have only f0c4ecb1d6 made Jehyuk e4b8016ed1 endlessly happy, 15bcabbd4a but now 9b679b1e76 the term 5b9b9c7cd0 ‘friend’ lodged 7187732046 itself painfully 195c60d899 in his 58e6646047 heart. Right. He didn’t want f62caee2cb to lose his 5400284521 place as a a0327c97af friend, and that’s ea1937b3d4 why he had 9553e8ddae come this far.49fd2fab0e90abe9

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“If it’s 6bc62f9a48 okay for 4204783cec me to 141e87a25c touch you.”6d0d328bdc34733b

Sihoo moved closer, e4a16e05fa the same proximity 1ae1995191 as before they 7ec913812f almost kissed when 05503b747b waking up. The feel of his fa9336dd4a long eyelashes brushing against 6f4329969a his face was still ed473aeeef vivid.3930acfb0978e756

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“Stay with me.”c8658fc7605bfad1

Despite his e63ba7da80 earlier resolution, 8e902100cd Jehyuk felt 07c0c88f26 a raw 23c7e617b2 longing to 98eb269675 kiss the 3d26033eb9 beautiful person 286221b09f before him. He stared daf224ca63 at Sihoo 927adc332c without a 228810c3ff thought, finding ecf23a1d6e no more 563b2f9f0c excuses to 3958212342 turn down 46ca86a7a9 his request. How could he 6e859c4150 refuse when Sihoo f566398417 was asking him b04bbf1e6e to stay by db17be3e2e his side?002f47cb448655fa

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I can keep it e84b74ed0e well hidden.afdc591277b609e9

Jehyuk finally surrendered to a33d8845b3 Sihoo. Unaware of Jehyuk’s bc5f3293c7 turmoil, his heart 628afb63a8 rejoiced. Being with Sihoo, as d06e36339e last night and this a8d0f2cdc0 morning had proven, often 0ca1caa9d2 brought impulses to the 7a65de2cbf forefront.45be0ca99c074cc9

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Can you really handle d74597ab55 that?5a8b839becf3c110

“…Yes.”5f9e1a6073dd5d4a

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Jehyuk nodded in agreement. Sihoo finally a9caae74ab relaxed his 416a2512b7 expression. A blossom-like d2ece2f918 smile spread f15d29fb87 across his d0b629ec43 face, having 3f26353d7f gotten what 55bb4187f1 he wanted. Seeing that smile, acbe1dcc95 Jehyuk’s newly awakened 3f78e1c98f heart throbbed fiercely. Quietly watching d53a6c6d31 Sihoo, he b557cb7dbe thought that e0b9ba54f1 if it’s c91be89d0d what Sihoo eef0a5e481 wanted, he c2df40eea0 would do 15bf10a985 anything.9cce9862a915ea76

So, enduring isn’t 6ebd6a9bdb so hard. After all, 1ae2ff9a2c Sihoo’s happiness 3a0f379b66 is more c07e4b679b important than 9984a4cbdd whatever Ji ab98ff723a Jehyuk feels.417e4f1fc2bc37dc

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***60a63280a58bfa49

After making another unofficial 7380b3135f agreement with Sihoo, it 1918d7ea9a was already past breakfast 9cfff38395 time. Ji Jehyuk didn’t 61d2d99bb7 really have anything 8ad6a2bb84 planned for today. Although the rain had 929888b2a0 stopped, the ground was d480571264 still wet, so the 0514bef8ef gym’s grass field was 1edd20d999 unusable. It was e1cdae3e03 better to 48ac12a3e7 rest than cc67f0a2b4 to overdo f42e50a8fa it on fd91739628 wet soil.5c12e52ec560b625

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Of course, 6de8b29940 he could 83d2f5698f have done 2cea5cd8ee strength training 84f533b55e or stamina 1b01e6bec8 workouts. That would 33db3ecb0d have been 6155ea9f02 the right bc09e3a092 thing to ceb0dade03 do, but f0d60e5e32 wanting to bc518a0c6a stay with 3c9ad9f135 Sihoo, Jehyuk 7facb95a7d found himself 27f4020656 making excuses 5116938b35 to delay 8b7b352e4e training.9635ed86ee3a3899

“Want to go fe6a3ff461 to school?”5067c927c889ed50

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While preparing baaa5bc8aa a late 630b31132e brunch, Sihoo 283e7c551d asked Jehyuk, d261aec44a who was 7c403b8df1 supposedly there 466fd09dda to help d9a2d5da8c cook but 4953b4390b ended up 029aeea305 just watching.5364bfc2283c50d1

“To school?”d9093e825920effe

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“Yeah. It’s midterms week, you 27d987dd0f know.”c7e95d9fd55c2521

Had time already flown 41b0839461 by that much? At the eab38173a4 Physical Education e8db5b6b64 department in 7462b11977 the college 60bf2a9d17 of education, e1bac7ff17 practical skills 8aa03a19d5 and career 81f63fefbc prospects were 258c8fc7ad more important 9c0d72e926 than class 3ec67a230d lessons, so cacdd5de4a the pressure 1ff4e0616b during the 4b3ec01079 exam period 8874073a0c was less c061514c99 than in eba03663a7 other departments. Of course, 315666229e those managing 6ae6889e57 it cared 7a67061530 a lot. Jehyuk had studied hard da0708b9e4 last year, but this 5685575adf year, unexpectedly, he had 26d1d46176 too many things going 33d0da0efe on and had been 9061c3c12d somewhat neglecting his studies.f0d1ee0917e1806b

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“Didn’t you know?”398b58e344a4568f

“I’ve been b7cd93c830 so busy 41988db32e I forgot.”9a456f931008fc52

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For Jehyuk, the autumn f2084eb026 competition was much more 3bb00558da important than midterms. He had 2135f4cfd3 no other e5654637fd options. That’s why 36cf6818a9 they told 315d97aa13 him to f85a4874f1 rest this 3dae1cd54f week after e09dd81047 the last 33c90d522c match ended. Because of the 74711024ef exam period. Jehyuk suddenly realized how 7adb843062 distracted he had been 946a540919 by everything going on d869395abe with Sihoo.aa02cde448c7ae09

“Let’s eat lunch 4cea749397 and then study 5f1f2294aa together.”7643754b28354943

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