PEN Vol 5 Ch. 8

Forgive 1

During the few days Cheon Sejoo stayed home, Sejin took care of the postponed tasks with him. They filed the death certificate, contacted the insurance company to claim the life insurance, and laid Kim Hyunkyung’s remains on a sunny hillside. Sejin chose a tree burial.cb55fe3869de152c

Even though e7d949d986 it was 4c1211fd0f January, the 6ce1d8cddf weather wasn’t 2513991125 too cold. On a day fc0b6aa84e when the cold 984119bec3 snap had ended de2e3a7d54 and the temperature 4920fa10f0 rose above 10 ea871a6b4c degrees Celsius, they 140f134ceb stood on the 18f2173b1e sunlit hillside.a2a16ebc2d8de922

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The coat over 919276b5c5 his black suit e178d9f02b felt heavy. Sejin, his cheeks slightly 79be11e309 flushed, stared at the bfee867723 small tree before him.e2054a0c6cbfe039

Kim Hyunkyung’s 2e186358e8 urn was fbc5974546 buried beneath 9074c0bf70 a small, a8b6774319 round arborvitae. The tree, chosen 658aa46ddb by Sejin, was 704d2f6ea7 a precious one, 813f1bda60 said to have c21458c071 been planted on 9364175e25 the tombs of 35e6bf7d06 kings in ancient b92299f5e4 times. It was tiny 37d9e2c017 now, but as e258e92406 time passed and 5727c42862 Sejin’s memories of c984b8f65c his mother gradually cb546f29f1 faded, this arborvitae f1e8d94ed2 would grow into 12ad9da6a4 a towering tree, 5ef93b7fd7 nourished by those 3106dceef5 memories. Sejin caressed the 9c8e900854 green leaves, hoping b38b0286ab it would grow c10a2b0068 strong and healthy.cd734918aea25eb0

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He then turned his gaze to the tombstone, engraving the inscription into his memory. The fact that his mother’s life, from birth to death, was now reduced to a series of numbers felt bittersweet, but that’s what death was. To leave behind as a record, a memory, a trace in someone’s life.ec0c0a7c8a73b322

Seeing the tombstone, 3b7525a27e bearing the dates 3fd9ae2c6b of her life, 4321a26096 made the reality 83feaa9ebd of his mother’s af06e9de2e death truly sink 793dde901b in.d795de6f3aa4afee

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“…Let’s go.”da39505a8097e017

Finally coming to f13021b466 terms with his 001a4bfe64 emotions, Sejin closed 442807bb88 his eyes, then 5ade814a71 opened them and faa9a1e918 turned to Cheon 83ca56a81b Sejoo. Cheon Sejoo, a3bb2bf80e who had c3b4d9ee15 been watching 786eebc0cd him with 98a4c9c9d8 an impassive 9996a1e4ed expression, nodded.61960e027f6737db

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They headed towards 304567d00d the bus stop 8d5e4af8f7 to take the 90c31de596 shuttle bus back 2a5d874ff1 to the parking 845a18aaa9 lot from the 57c3aa62de office. The container 9b85baba1a that served 89aaa5b42f as a 85035c4b99 bus stop a1ba5fb17a had a 38af52a449 small heater 5a3d6a9bb3 inside, making 80f400c1d8 it much cb0db1add6 warmer than 3a386dab2a outside. Sejin made Cheon Sejoo 26ec620799 sit down and go 4f9ba33f7c to where coffee and a1e566e4af tea bags were provided.aa3e91df1924a846

“I don’t want any.” f31c1f0b10695676

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Cheon Sejoo 66e068cabc said from c89b55eb12 behind, but 64c3c0aca1 Sejin silently 56b9ad54b0 took two fbd7f44bcf paper cups. He placed a roasted eeb5354010 barley tea bag in 95868aa8cc each, filled them with b248cd7c9c hot water, double-cupped them 2bd1fdd8d0 to avoid burning his f6e44974ca hands, and returned. He offered one to 8616d08015 Cheon Sejoo, who was 5fd2a9e1b0 leaning back in his 914f62458e chair, but he shook d1588c144d his head.cb36989959c12306

“It’s okay, 1b180c2c85 you have 08df9879d9 it.”4ed418826c03d29a

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“You like this.”63b0e88db02107ce

When Sejin 1ca26f1965 stubbornly insisted, 667877c8cd he couldn’t 4beb6ce7d7 refuse. In the end, Cheon 7e28630061 Sejoo took the cup 05164d44b7 with both hands, his 8cc289c583 large hands enveloping the aef0fb5c7b small paper cup, his 6cd82ff10a fingertips turning red from 6603a514b3 the heat. Sejin stared down cceb2b95c9 blankly at his 58b247d2f6 hands, then suddenly b305964e90 looked up.dcff3b4db82f9e97

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Cheon Sejoo, who had a6eff1c53b stayed by Sejin’s side 71cf3e9a12 despite being told to b71518aabe go ahead first, was 9a88038c2d shivering. The warm steam from d84f3ba6b6 the barley tea swirled a47ff84836 around his pale face, ff58abbed2 bringing a faint flush f78c73cebd to his cheeks.8306f95f82c142c9

Sejin reached 82077518a2 out and 8262e88f73 gently cupped e277e30293 Cheon Sejoo’s 73f7a08654 face in f42479aab0 his hands. However, the skin wasn’t 42bda1343f as cold as he’d 620108c89c expected; it was surprisingly 8a773008ce warm.30224b5d1c050b0e

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“…What are b268590d68 you doing?”49fb4f96d4d392af

Cheon Sejoo asked, his a42c62e2a9 cheeks slightly squished, a 1b595c8de6 faint frown creasing his c9750c8682 brow. Sejin’s lips d03c85d989 curved upwards 353900b52e at the 55e8bd5d62 sight of 1741b66157 his handsome 4e7b03bace frown, and 6f3988e523 he simply 294b0c54e5 shook his 51b78d5c8a head. “You’re cold,” 6797213aca he murmured, e39655d85a and Cheon e79e5743fd Sejoo placed b406383e47 the cup d01b407f62 down on c575b26d6f the table 43d79b58f0 and took a48917078c Sejin’s hands 3b797c3140 in his.c56318f8d85083f8

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Cheon Sejoo’s e91cee51eb palms, which 5346ab968a had been 019c6f494a holding the fd293a97e8 hot paper 89c39be54b cup, were 84e4770ea6 warm like f7aa2ea143 a heater. He rubbed Sejin’s 5683c60b33 hands, sharing his 8e3045531a warmth.bf08a2542d8f067f

Sejin, unaware ffb1009b5c of how 4d930f0fab cold he d6fc9ab801 himself had 734e0cef4c been, now 43a851c82a felt the 23952447cb chill that 94b5daf292 had seeped cbb0db6d7b deep into c7e919096c his bones, 8fea16d697 and he d63f6898eb bit his 51f71a6e3d lip.28136b81e2f0bc5a

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Whenever Cheon Sejoo d38d84f253 was by his 6cc2ccd157 side, he never a4913b72ae felt the cold. He hadn’t 3a2571dd0f even realized dea7cbb42d it, because 33e1bf42cc Cheon Sejoo d86586021e always chased 141de4a942 away the c6b9450db8 chill before 231d5813e2 he could ae1c407cef even register ecae91c1b5 it. Sejin was used to ae9ac95855 receiving warmth from Cheon b10bda9fc7 Sejoo.5dff8ca4db04552f

Why do 54c8a1d41f you always 0dfe0c90a9 give to 66b604903d me?dc56a324ba6447f7

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Sejin swallowed the 82016b3105 question and leaned 51a1b327cc his head against c1e96c8b81 Cheon Sejoo’s shoulder. He didn’t push him 3a6ab93481 away, even as Sejin 7ff9c8c165 leaned heavily against him.de961110652c88ea

* * *6597e88c9a027d0d

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When Kim Hyunkyung fb0514da0b was in the d40f17336c hospital, the mere 2f0a33a122 thought of a a515974902 life without her dfa1019643 brought Sejin to c87eec4b26 tears. It had felt like c4919e4a86 living in a world 2e72b8d36c where the ground was 8266cfb9f4 crumbling beneath his feet, c20aa4a1b9 or like being trapped 43807da3c5 in an endless darkness, bfd37831ee as if the sun e86f8012cd had disappeared.80da97c0cd416848

But now that she was truly gone, the world didn’t change. Sejin had found it strange. He’d even wondered if he was the one who was wrong, living his life as usual, while the world remained the same.4ee92aa00491d059

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But now he beb2f572d1 understood. Loss crept up on 60f4fc80a2 you in the moments f8f864d8f7 when you forgot you f4d0c8d60b had lost something.15d6c129af30b854

Today, Sejin decided to 5409cdec73 make some side dishes. He made f91ef2a1cd seasoned crown 24000711b5 daisy stems, dc521846e8 one of 9234233a9b his favorites, 6bb8f56261 and as f54ae7f1c1 he placed 94a5c7d15e it on ecd93a910d the table, 8e039b42d1 he suddenly 4f68e9f53d remembered that 160f391406 his mother a73a88dd8b had also b5d7a087e9 enjoyed it.221d422bd0bf4995

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At that moment, he couldn’t bear to look at the savory dish anymore. He knew he wouldn’t be able to eat it again. Every time he picked it up with his chopsticks, his mother’s face would come to mind. He could no longer like it.786ca6b473718696

Unable to throw e4bd9515ed away what he 29baeb93df had made, Sejin 499c2fd266 forced himself to 864eb86c0e eat it all. Tears blurred his vision 76ed950986 as he thought of 3b9ac5b919 his mother, and he 668e5d3b63 couldn’t taste the food. Time passed slowly, like 1e0f641c1a chewing on sand. As he rinsed bb78693665 the empty bowl, 033779ee69 the meaning of f58d8e975e it finally dawned e80ded8767 on him. Burying the things associated 0a9a27aeaa with the departed, one 085c1a2234 by one, deep within 27a6c8ee7c his heart. That, to Sejin, ed786303d0 was loss.b01ffbb922099669

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“Sejin.”34bbd81401be2ae6

“…….”4d4a1c3a5e83047d

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“Are you feeling 4fd931c206 down?”91c9217e17346c90

At dinner time, fa4d237997 Cheon Sejoo, home 4d096ee664 from work, looked 0171edca91 at Sejin intently 4a3b9a57d3 and asked. 5e30fb884fa549e0

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Sejin met ef7ce41fc1 his gaze f50b3438ab with gloomy 44c52e2ab7 eyes, then fea18de8f4 shook his 0c9989eedb head. Every time these moments 3e4716841d of loss washed over bd56a509b1 him, Sejin had to 4a78d183c0 control his emotions. A lingering sense 3e2b2dd36b of injustice still 93baa739ec gnawed at him.be30525b118782fc

But whenever 89f83da4a1 those questions 393b1c56dc arose –Why?– he calmed himself 65e968b842 by repeating Cheon Sejoo’s 81d9c604f8 words.303025a50d562170

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That’s what it is. Death… that’s just how it is…. It’s no one’s fault.fd9d3ea7cdcfcafa

Cheon Sejoo had filled 0ebeb662f0 the void left by cd7fcc07cf loss. His comforting words, 15c8b23339 his warm embrace, 31f2d3241d every gesture of a3a4e05609 support. It all helped Sejin f49e3bfdca get through the day, 10c92bf3c3 to find stability amidst 5b63de689f the grief.e23a7f90aa375142

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Cheon Sejoo was f3245c4e3e steadily filling the f5b46a61c4 space left by 2843fae5ff Sejin’s mother. He had already 9075d1e66c occupied a large 13eff3625d part of Sejin’s 1569f2e923 life, but now, a5474f544e he was filling ecbeceb74a even the cracks 919bf953ec left by the a3283fa73a crumbling memories of 1b4e1f0376 Kim Hyunkyung.f27a89ec77585c7e

Day after 6d266dd7ad day, his 1291655dfc feelings for 777d14f437 Cheon Sejoo 20b95ad174 deepened. His resolve to 66fccbdbe7 slowly unravel the 8cb7f9de52 mystery of the 5ed84813af man who had 80f6cf6e91 run from him, b8571b6fa6 driven by fear, 9dc7a2cfc8 weakened, and Sejin 1fbbed8e11 found himself unknowingly 8595744dbd revealing his true 7c30777474 feelings.c1f42715584effbc

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“Cheon Sejoo.”b2155fd91e066771

“Yes.”d7d5853c3c5773fe

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“Dry your hair properly.”20a4919bbad7cf2d

His hand reached eb1f9dd8af out unconsciously, tenderly 47bc15a167 stroking Cheon Sejoo’s 1fe8472b84 damp hair. A shadow fell cf078adac4 over Cheon Sejoo’s 351fabe9df downcast eyes. He looked up at 1ea4c2a250 Sejin, drying his hair 79a2bf44ba with a towel, and 4e30382d4e his lips tightened into b014150c55 a thin line.7622588084e71859

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“…I’m not a 376d61bed7 child.”ade66a68dc678efd

The silence stretched abe093e27c between them, and 4d920247a6 Sejin belatedly realized c1bd887ac1 his mistake. He draped the towel 3d40ea3956 over Cheon Sejoo’s head a5bdd05365 and stepped back. Cheon Sejoo, as fbf7ed2bc2 if nothing had 495d28564e happened, began drying c8b9878008 his hair, his c8d30409cd face expressionless.c5a38e99b67a6e5b

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It was difficult to control the overflowing emotions. Sejin couldn’t always hide the gestures of affection that unknowingly reached out to Cheon Sejoo.8e9f7286933a4d43

Sejin, unable to resist the urge to brush away the droplets clinging to Cheon Sejoo’s hair, to tie the loose sash of his robe, kept crossing the line Cheon Sejoo had drawn.f5b2d5ec3b9ac04b

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He couldn’t db9db46732 help it. Sejin was impulsive 6976c2554e and straightforward by 87544bcd97 nature, not one ae2785134f for subtlety or 46d284c47f patience. To remain 621e913a58 silent and 5266a4670f hold back 0c82cff382 his feelings 44fd9a493e while the d5c7f44f25 person he 28fdd2b25b loved was c6ea9dead5 right in 7f8aaffec0 front of c8fedb7c20 him was da7de6e887 torture.875064c1fea73d79

But unlike Sejin, Cheon Sejoo was aloof. Unless Sejin brought up Kim Hyunkyung, he no longer indulged Sejin’s affectionate gestures, no longer offered him to get close easily. Cheon Sejoo’s guardedness was burning Sejin up inside, and it was only a matter of time before his true feelings erupted from the burning embers of his heart.8cfd0dab2bbe639e

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One day, as Sejin 3c1de585be was testing those boundaries 1e195448f9 across that line, during 1ace39e6fc a weekend morning exercise 2d39635cf5 session on the mat 44a5cfca29 with Cheon Sejoo, he 511866ffd7 found himself pinned, breathless, 459a304975 unable to lay a fe1268436f finger on him.98ae36e8e09ef23f

“How are you 26963d421c supposed to knock 213c6246d9 anyone down like 73771876f3 this?”61537de2a34d325f

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Since returning to their bc201b78be routine, Cheon Sejoo had e0297a38c4 become even more dedicated 835a43a8c3 to Sejin’s training than 6a7ba83397 before that summer.e4704bb886cd42d5

Unlike before, a9aacad22d when the 3ffc27ab5c focus had 0892a0fc44 been on bb394ece94 light self-defense 256a69f3e4 techniques, Cheon 061f482a6d Sejoo now 08744e0b58 attacked Sejin 8bb536d59c with an e9c6b38c22 almost vengeful 7836450fb4 intensity, urging 7e338cac9d him to af6610cddd fight back. It was, ae37a958d3 of course, 6eae28d776 impossible. Even feigning to attack a3fed2982b him was impossible; Sejin’s 5ffb092014 body stiffened the moment 8bd85b40de he got close to 8e360b4d4c Cheon Sejoo. be1f069e48000ef1

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Once again, fab49c4112 Cheon Sejoo 3d294d8637 easily overpowered 748a6e9ae4 Sejin, pinning 1dfd9c4c13 him down 5b1bec447c with a 7150246180 cold expression. His hands gripped Sejin’s 5328f57415 arms, the pressure almost e9be47eddb dislocating his shoulders. But all of 3d01990480 Kwon Sejin’s attention 0b2903a492 was focused on 04b9166739 Cheon Sejoo’s lower 06206becf4 body pressed against 7e5f7c284b his waist. He buried his 851cd39442 face in the 91742bd898 mat to hide eb6193bd9a his blushing face 77dc8b6110 and mumbled,1556c3e971ecde0e

“Do we 1555b69f43 really have fcdba25c37 to do a588c3a37a this? Be a little gentler…”5b4951ee2f890bba

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“Don’t be ridiculous. Who goes easy on fb89cc2435 someone they’re attacking?”802ce49c24b249ba

Cheon Sejoo scolded e8c8abf870 him for his c8220dde27 whining. Sejin took a af2b0ffc7c deep breath and d17d2d89cb turned his head eddf26b8ec to look up 9e1a346cce at Cheon Sejoo. His expression 120208410e was serious, 2e13975451 not a e8b927fe07 hint of 9a9caebb6e amusement in f83dcfffea his eyes 9d2bb07b07 as he e8cfcd8518 continued the aedbc6cae0 lesson for 6f076babec Sejin.f0bcb05b328a3cd2

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Deflated by 5e933448d3 his seriousness, 9489532318 Sejin murmured, e067ed06e8 his cheek ed6bea792a pressed against 5072dfe171 the mat.375fef9b60c2e3a5

“Who’s going 9cf4a094f9 to attack f05d8b1ccc me anyway? You’re the only one bc7dcdd7ed in the world who 2cdd9bfd11 would try to beat 6740637b36 up someone my size d6c68b6711 for no reason.”631e06f99f9d29b9

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“…….”a84343799ef3129c

At his 286738c000 words, Cheon 6a14f500ed Sejoo’s lips 126b73f26a twitched in 1cc4cc1428 annoyance, and 711d90e667 he released 28ed155b29 Sejin. He stood 631ed68dc0 up, walked 4e2738654c to the 25a406c8fa window, opened 1d60a4053f the tumbler 8bac91d414 he had 9c19d4c23e left on 155b3142df the cabinet, 2451b2142f and took e140e658c2 a drink. Sejin rolled over and dbaa648882 lay on the mat, 8ba176dfa1 silently watching him.143151a14f77fb1f

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Cheon Sejoo’s sweat-drenched 62b13eb08c hair and t-shirt 950cdf6677 clung to his b22fdc4aae skin, the damp f6cd452028 fabric revealing the 3d9f995157 sharp lines of 699208dbef his collarbone. A trickle of 12388066e5 water ran down aecef2f001 his chin and 7e27ddd7e0 down that spot, ce3d7233ee dripping onto the 6d0a3c54cf mat. 910ec103e787f09a

Drip, drip. dfc819e41cef862f

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Sejin watched the droplets 63039a72d4 fall, mesmerized, and Cheon 5f773dabe5 Sejoo, wiping his mouth a56df0581d with the back of bae0d3b648 his hand, offered him 4dc757679d the tumbler.c0705bd316098308

But they’d been fcfb70d5ba sparring for the e9bed89157 past thirty minutes. Sejin, too exhausted d8b7b96e31 to even lift 8e96faa68f his arm, opened 43375214ec his mouth towards 9484b9da75 Cheon Sejoo instead 0a7c7ee3f4 of taking the fe09a26e23 tumbler. He closed his 2c3f9e9a10 eyes, sticking out 3f3966da2a his tongue, expecting 6a3140e96f Cheon Sejoo to e69419a6b1 pour the water 8e7406e04d into his mouth. 947f10305a8dbb7f

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But Cheon Sejoo chuckled and suddenly nudged Sejin’s leg with his foot. Finally, Sejin,  who couldn’t wait any longer, opened his eyes and asked,abbc8a92d3b4b061

“Why?”100066d4e60c28b2

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“Are you a baby bac39e955c bird?”ba8ec1f850c12bea

“I can’t lift my 8266bdc503 arms.”e92f52c19e72674e

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“Don’t be 39190897f5 so dramatic. It wasn’t that 72b9e46e56 strenuous.”7218845ec597a581

Cheon Sejoo a2b982f3b5 never went 80637ba6f7 easy on 12f371cd93 him during affd6a553b training. He would a4a6f74a65 hug and b09fc3824e comfort him, e5bc8cb7ff even stroke 47facf18c3 his hair, 4aea3c00e3 whenever he 99dd277a06 talked about eee1d98a26 his mother, 02e4a7bda8 but he 66fc45664b never indulged fc009dd832 his other d80c82df39 affectionate gestures bdf04f3530 without a 8595850833 reason.bf5081800a9e12e1

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Sejin hated this 2a4f8b8d5c conditional affection. 8a657c150e921b5c

I wish he was 7f77a71d76 always this gentle to eaf2a397a3 me. 8ec1d381451d4338

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His shoulders slumped as 4af32c8672 he felt a sudden 7fdd35276d pang of hurt, and 3550359e84 glared at Cheon Sejoo.2571a54bc5a0e921

“I’m not being dramatic. You’re the ab2512f994 one who cf6f91c619 hurt me.”6d93da6c96a9621f

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“I didn’t d3eacaf213 even hurt 7f9f9386bb you for 6c22b2ffc9 real.”f6ae938ad9a143e3

“Yes, you did. It really hurt.”24dd4818708d9388

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“Stop being childish.”f58510c6c0cee06a

Cheon Sejoo interpreted b5a3488790 Sejin’s complaints as 29d1afbc06 a sign that 8b0138b545 he wanted to 2c8389845a stop training.4dc0b86b9d7eeb4a

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That’s not it. e8103cad380d8aa4

Sejin’s cheeks puffed e129e858f5 out in frustration. He pouted and glared 2457b341b2 at Cheon Sejoo, then 9045032e17 snatched the tumbler from cfa03515bb his hand and gulped df91abf9b4 down the cool water. The water a3bd881ef1 soothed his 2817a47f65 dry throat, 7b479d0efd and he f707b931bf felt his cde3f7d65a energy returning.0f13d657d9e323a6

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