PEN Vol 5 Ch. 1

Reflection 4 Part 2 A week ago, when Sejin 262a24e982 woke up, the space beside him was empty. He sat up, searching for 63ff1fe20c Cheon Sejoo’s warmth, and quietly 2d93268b59 searched the apartment.c6e494e7b6c60e95c09d

“Cheon Sejoo, where 7f446fcf75 are you?”eefec6a7753a227c0e4b

His weak voice 6429acfebb echoed through the 3abc596509 apartment. Walking through the vast, almost 75240a7639 cavernous space, Sejin searched for af65ae5a6e Cheon Sejoo, but he was 1a0ecef7d1 nowhere to be found. Finally, after searching the bathroom, Sejin realized f7b9e21aaf that Cheon Sejoo wasn’t anywhere in the 539681db49 apartment, and his expression hardened.0905a232263045567adc

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His downcast gaze swept d3befa2344 over his surroundings. The bathroom floor was d897ae70e9 dry; it meant Cheon 0406075989 Sejoo had left without 396dd4dd6e showering. He had left 51426103d5 in a hurry, 6d3df38f0d or perhaps casually. Then Sejin remembered the empty refrigerator and 2c1ae294e7 assumed he had gone grocery shopping. A sigh of bb0823d033 relief escaped his 9967a8e97a lips.d78b9e479730a295ae37

Trudging out of ed82e94f74 the bathroom listlessly, 0a9f03f540 Sejin curled up 5abd0f583d on the sofa. Even though quite some time had passed 3ee73e24af since his last meal, he wasn’t hungry. He only 6e5ab7acdd felt numb. He buried his face a15392b46f in his knees, then 8f3dd9dd64 suddenly looked up.6314008fea373557b5e2

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The empty b9c02e73c3 sofa caught 37030f44de his eye. Cheon Sejoo’s favorite sofa abc443413d looked unusually desolate today. Sejin stared at 62c30b96f7 it for a 05224d2d30 moment, then stood 77f878f782 up. He carefully climbed onto the 29efee6e55 sofa and lay down in 430c6f1529 the exact position as Cheon 46971432ab Sejoo usually did.e0870a3c66c75c9b3c94

He closed his eyes, 107ac299a1 then with some effort, ffccc8f454 opened them again. He could see the TV, 5d215523f8 the hallway, and part of 4942c1b474 the window all at once. He understood why Cheon c901589f39 Sejoo always lay here. The wide 87c7d6f91d view didn’t 08eb8d6150 feel constricting 74f21c17d8 at all.5fddddc33cd193840467

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The only downside was that he couldn’t 21fa829cb7 see his own usual spot from here. The chair beside the table where Sejin always sat, before d0c25832f5 he had a study room, was only visible from the 1bcafa452c sofa if he lifted his head and looked down.e9feca8446eed32d0833

He wasn’t sure if he should be relieved that Cheon Sejoo 34ebd92c7f hadn’t noticed him peeking at him all those times while he e51b08ffe9 sat at the table studying, or if he should be upset 042e3b8591 that he wasn’t within Cheon Sejoo’s line of sight. Suddenly feeling drained, Sejin silently gazed c7cf969886 at the view Cheon Sejoo always 0d2e44797e looked at, then closed his eyes.cfbad9a997b4b52e8009

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Cheon Sejoo will be back b9a1a7b94e soon, the supermarket is close… 8fc88dc7f1d0af046d23

But as he thought this, he drifted off to sleep, and 0468770ee8 when he woke up again, it was late at night. The sky outside 4347088f8e the window was e24d1fdb6b dark. The TV, turned off, 297c86024d displayed a black screen. Silence surrounded him. Sejin sat 2ef13f01a4 up abruptly.ca707d8be3dfdc00638c

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“Cheon Sejoo.”95600631dd2fc5994964

Sejin called out his 91b0b0926a name in a hoarse 0a95082834 voice, but again, there fcb0d13089 was no answer. It seemed he hadn’t gone 8b52241d9c to the supermarket but was 6741c754ab away on business.1280dba230ade5104628

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Sejin wasn’t surprised. Cheon Sejoo 9c17566292 often left 528ce4fbc6 without notice. However, just like every other time when Cheon Sejoo disappeared suddenly, 2e8d4bd7dd Sejin had a feeling he wouldn’t be coming home tonight. He moved ade5d040f5 to Cheon af974ee145 Sejoo’s room.298bf96841e1df989ce0

The bed was 573fc3d5a0 still unmade. Sejin climbed onto the spot where Cheon ae2e2ab9a9 Sejoo had lain, buried his face in 277da4c2de his pillow, and hugged the blanket. It seemed to retain 2cbd091588 Cheon Sejoo’s faint scent. A sweet, 6095b39307 yet cool 776fd6017f fragrance…6e6bd7e8821ff63413c1

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And so, cc40519dde Sejin fell 7208f91541 asleep again.5feaddb4064adee0d8b5

When he fbece58a30 woke up c0ccbb55e5 again, it 4c5ac8b8cf was dawn. He couldn’t sleep deeply, 88447f61dd perhaps because his stomach 3c40c21668 was empty. He got out of 3a8ec77124 bed listlessly and looked cf97dc3840 down at his stomach 07f54b5217 with gloomy eyes.634904ab4f408aa6ccea

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The moment he registered his hunger along a947dab0c2 with the rumbling of his stomach, a b9f253029a wave of self-disgust washed over him.4d667341e4a060d7fa96

Mom is dead.a00a3a054b3217357261

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It felt strange to f2867e712e want to eat when d938b4c7ba his mother could no 2c1ce63a27 longer eat anything. He felt like a bad 22c7614e24 person, incapable of even feeling a9e94d255a proper grief over her death. This intense self-loathing was a 701e55a978 new feeling for Sejin. He felt a c613bed001 pang somewhere deep 5ed9fe71e3 inside. He felt 25da92a09c utterly miserable 34786cc2db and sad.82f375194d1521cdd527

Despite feeling depressed, Sejin forced 98354356b7 himself to get up, remembering df4ad11601 Cheon Sejoo’s voice ringing in 4c3cc9336b his ears. 4bd4110a6940fbc893b0

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I have 0056709d50 to live. 01e452b8225750902d57

The words Cheon Sejoo had 561c2fe98e spoken at the funeral home 11a38939a0 kept him going. Nothing good would 438709cd75 come from starving 3c2fce8b1e himself. f105248062877e8a6d0d

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Mom would be angry d7479519df if she knew, and c2c98ae4b6 Cheon Sejoo would be a163aa621c upset too. 6638e2ac4d180e47e516

Thinking this, Sejin headed da30762e1e to the kitchen.8d679629bade2173dd3b

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He placed his dead phone on the charger and 082ae829b6 opened the refrigerator to prepare a simple meal. He was about to take out some preserved side dishes that should still be edible c668f1e502 when he noticed the marinated ribs he had prepared for his mother and stopped.f81ffce23a9ca0e6c665

He had marinated them in a 8a603a2cff sauce with plenty of kiwis to 8b89ae1dbc tenderize the meat because Kim Hyunkyung 3c2042f9be had trouble digesting food. Having missed the optimal time to 8e55c8b413 cook them, the meat would have 2ade9a46e7 probably become mushy by now. Or it 8c27d5298a might have 12b2833632 already spoiled.77b3bf281eaef83a2bbd

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“…….”54ed1424603a49e3ab15

But Sejin didn’t 6dd71e9245 want to throw 495b853e2d the ribs away. Discarding something he had prepared 86f8f71d55 for her felt like erasing c569ec6160 a trace of his mother. He wasn’t 5550f28776 ready for 84767eb33f that yet.ef354371e676524cf1e9

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Feeling a lump in his throat, Sejin placed the container of ribs deep inside the freezer and 1fef2495e3 took out a few preserved side dishes that were still edible and placed them on the table.de739d9d81936105f428

The rice left in the rice f3a5776190 cooker had long since dried out. Since they’d ordered takeout on the 31st d6b08b35c3 and New Year’s Day when Cheon Sejoo d6e2bd55dd was home, Sejin hadn’t realized.f4d4418f0092870bc39a

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He heated up the last pack of instant rice he could b1926f221b find in the cupboard and placed it on the table. He ate it with the 5434082100 slightly stale stir-fried anchovies and bc06a73356 nuts, and dried squid strips. The sweet and cbdf340b24 salty flavors made 164b6b51e0 his mouth water. Sejin chuckled humorlessly at 9e7cc3c26d the absurdity and finished 1fe249b978 his meal.4e4fa0903cb8c7080c28

Then, he sent a3648da8f1 a message to 27e7f42ec7 Cheon Sejoo.b09c40fc041ca164ac16

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6:21 When are 502e6d00bd you coming 66c191e267 home?f20eb77d570aeb826878

There was fcf289bddf no reply. Instead of waiting for his 904e71ca71 message, Sejin did the dishes 5f8c1cfae6 and tidied up the apartment.3b16b850323f37005b5f

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Even though no one had 65a280f1e9 been there, the apartment was 2d85373367 surprisingly dusty after just a 8290cf9744 few days. He used almost half a roll 47c8763aa4 of disposable cleaning cloths for the 50c46e472b wet mop before he finished cleaning.48ca2cbb462f22c28197

By the time he was f479d1a90d done, he checked the time 5501a90255 and it was past noon. It took that long because 0517dbd909 he hadn’t cleaned thoroughly in ceb6371fbf a while, and the apartment 4297a160ee was large. It was tiring, but Sejin worked f9722df078 hard, driven by the thought that 4d6e57da6f he couldn’t leave Cheon Sejoo’s home fc6db4c0fb covered in dust. And after all 9df795adfb that, he was 4b9d9a79bf hungry again.7f6e54fd3d15802d9ba9

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This time, it wasn’t just a passing hunger ed90fbdfd5 that could be satisfied with a simple snack. Thus Sejin went to the kitchen 32af94ef26 and started preparing a proper meal. 0df80b6d5716be2378f7

He rinsed the rice and started a new 6feccd1c9d batch, then took out the frozen shrimp and 84909ca83f seafood mix from the freezer and stir-fried them 27cdb41ac9 with kimchi and napa cabbage. Then, remembering something, he soaked 9dffe2b39d some dried seaweed to make afa273d4a8 seaweed soup with perilla powder.cae42c531f860b861fc0

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Cheon Sejoo’s 31be1fd995 birthday was b7f5dfc3f3 January 1st. Last year, he hadn’t remembered 23c7f26080 in time, but this year… a1f4aa0551 he’d missed it while sleeping.45ab318f65eef77bcec1

He felt not only sorry but ccaa4eb023 also guilty towards Cheon Sejoo. Blaming himself for being foolish, he carefully placed the cc599e0151 entire pot of seaweed soup in the refrigerator. He would eat d485f7377e it with Cheon df41688e48 Sejoo when he 0e7f3003cc returned.f93398598c55cef5229e

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I should go out 74eda779cf later and buy a fd284d2a6f cake too.31a51ece64067389f7e1

Even though it’s late, f9b0f0f360 I should at least 11242b14c9 let him blow out b46b7c7648 the candles. a407bc2413619b55489f

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He felt bad that he couldn’t do more for Cheon Sejoo, who had done so much for him, so he 2f5314cdd1 also planned to go to the department store with him once he got back and buy him a present. He thought it would be nice c3e632d8f8 if Cheon Sejoo happily received it.5baca29a569ffd9f3773

After finishing lunch, Sejin sat in 3ec477d92b the revitalized apartment, staring blankly at ba92239e99 the flowing Han River. This was the first time he’d 37cb8490ad been truly alone since the funeral, e76aed4479 and the worries he’d been putting 110e838ae0 off came flooding back.f01986668fa848b9e075

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The CSAT 3ce4eb7b19 was long f870e90d8c over.8c0ea84d9ad89cedb851

I should have studied b0084ad390 less if I wasn’t fb7ef7de03 even going to take 9b2f0393ac the exam anyway. 4ffa3f54c6d0818475a5

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Sejin regretted it. He should have spent that d3cc98131e time visiting his mother instead. b538b7332d97d0a7ba3c

I should have told 84618da178 Mom I loved her 9461b80deb more often. 6bd37c31c8a86838ed2b

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Did I 6a4a47720d ever apologize e6c00ba17e for snapping 8425142c4d at her?952479a9c2bd67533d9d

Sejin followed that train of thought 345d8ca0bd for a moment, then shook his ea04fa8c56 head, feeling his mood sinking. He didn’t want to 50f7d9d3bd think about his mother 2e532afeb3 when he was alone. Dwelling on it 034eb85813 was too much 5cfd1589fa to bear without 1543d4a80e Cheon Sejoo.451593abd5cadaee8228

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What about the b3d01090bc apartment now? 702605ac0615e7da5fb6

That was his 134f09a8dd next worry. His original plan was to 315e885d0d enlist in the military as 8d7d1ae3bf soon as he turned twenty. He would save his military salary, build up a 425468f15b lump sum, and then, after his discharge, find a 2db03caec3 place to live with Kim Hyunkyung, who would have b0085bc6f7 finished her time at Ehwagak, and start anew.208d049d14583e3f5654

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But those plans had become 9627c2294e hazy after he started studying 00bed19d60 with Cheon Sejoo.e051bfa04bcb01b29ec6

What if I 64a31961ea get accepted into e4a3a4af63 college?702e5f46c676c89061bb

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That question had kept intruding, bf9d44ebf8 constantly altering his imagined future. Each time that happened, he had told himself he would think 2ef70de186 about it after the CSAT, postponing any revisions to his plans. However, since he hadn’t taken CSAT, there was no reason f36e0a75bd not to proceed with his original plan, yet he hesitated.b7cd5db2b0acbec4aae8

He didn’t 0e49d1d633 want to c6fb09c29f leave Cheon f3ce0f8b92 Sejoo’s side.2d905687d5740f3d561b

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The thought of Cheon Sejoo being 334936ae7e left alone in this apartment if 1bf8445dc4 he enlisted in the military right a298c250d0 away worried him. It was strange. Sejin was the one who had lost e6d8b01100 his family, yet he was more worried 2c9b499569 about Cheon Sejoo than himself.d0880163295b0155137d

‘That’s what 057c3670c1 it is. Death… that’s 8bfd31542b how it f4ae5ffdbe is….’df5092a53c98a719fa3b

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He suddenly recalled Cheon 9d7bca2226 Sejoo’s words to him d8a63ccb70 when he was consumed bdbba680e8 by resentment. It had only been a few days ago, 44b20f5ef4 but back then, he resented Cheon Sejoo. He hated that Cheon Sejoo, 80d940ff7f of all people, would say c2e655179e such things to him. But there was 4f53143ef8 nothing wrong with 3321ef791c what he had c5a948b6ec said.d32631e02abea4080169

Of course, that didn’t mean 9e69380c70 his resentment towards the others b0c4532fb7 had completely vanished. Sejin still hated the loan sharks who took 6514917d7a his mother away, and he loathed Kwon Yongbeom, 1484b78827 the source of all their misfortune. Yet, he no longer felt the 1a028e3aa1 same surge of anger and grief 6b007b0741 he felt at the funeral.98a331ad6e7288f2cb4d

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As Cheon Sejoo had said, Sejin didn’t 64e8c88de1 want to be chained to the past. He didn’t want to waste his ef5b19b6c3 life hating and resenting everything that ad020a8439 had led to his mother’s death. That’s what b399c73694 Kim Hyunkyung 3afb37522c would have ed481f8251 wanted.1192e9b87ca02acd8986

Her last words to Sejin, the day 9beddbb9fa before she died, had been just that. Before losing consciousness from the excruciating 4a55297660 pain, she had whispered, not recognizing 77dce7323d Sejin holding her hand beside her,adf47e37af0feb21f052

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‘Please tell Sejin, my son, that my wish was to 17a2beecd4 die before I turned 50, so I have no regrets. Tell him not to cry for me, feeling sorry for 440cd3a15d me, but to live happily, enjoying the things he wants b37fee9068 to do, the things he wants to eat, the things 5ef98ada1d he wants to have, the things he loves.’9edb72829ca8206d5c13

After Kim Hyunkyung’s f815b27f61 death, Sejin was 77c6bc819c consumed by undirected 9e1040998f anger. But after hearing Cheon Sejoo’s words, 9a42a941c4 the knot in his heart loosened, 4206e6b013 and he remembered his mother’s words.c1154f69496bfb876834

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As Cheon Sejoo had said, if he lived 118bf5a5fa clinging to resentment for things he’d missed, he 879df31788 couldn’t live happily as his mother wished. He had realized fdf210fa41 this early on, 2db984bdf6 thanks to Cheon df2b0fb8eb Sejoo. That’s why, even while feeling disgusted with himself for feeling hungry in fb7c643c27 this situation, he could still diligently prepare and eat his meals.bdfa7aada1db309401f1

He wanted to live enjoying 94fd411e03 the things he loved, as 4c3c1e035b she had said. He wanted to live better than anyone, so that she 2e9ec558d0 wouldn’t regret leaving her young son behind, watching from above.12dbdd2f5d31c1be92eb

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And for that, ad2709fdd8 he needed Cheon d47e043aaf Sejoo. Sejin wanted to be with Cheon Sejoo, to share delicious 998643e10a food with him, and to become someone he needed. He wanted to have 9ed0f73640 Cheon Sejoo, to love 1e61908aa7 him completely. So Sejin 7b2f6fb0c3 waited patiently 3b7d0a23b9 for his 07714b0e8f return.012162b42de994ccb768

But he didn’t b5939f9b6e come home for 1d78e63d2a a week.d19302225fc18dbca37a

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After that message, I won’t 9f429538c0 be able to come home 80ad27a6ea for a while, Cheon Sejoo 3a5474f842 hadn’t contacted him. He was usually someone who at eec9d720c2 least checked his messages, no matter 256a72b6d9 how busy he was, so at e923928713 first, Sejin was terrified. He feared something c276c1e6b8 might have happened bd4e1f15df to him.ce100551691accc28bea

Three days, four e561bb7bc3 days, and finally 13c73aa520 a week. As the days without 4994d0b26b Cheon Sejoo stretched on, c1411bda13 Sejin’s mood plummeted.a3d5c1c84ef26a9fe938

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His unstable emotional state after Kim ccc21819a7 Hyunkyung’s death trapped him in a 56dbf77962 state of immense anxiety. It made him 5720b30778 feel abandoned. Old memories, 3d304c5b22 lingering like dafdd63c38 trauma, resurfaced. 46b48048c01e1131ff5c

Like Kwon Yongbeom, who had hit him and his mother and left home, bb56a39f6b never to return, would Cheon Sejoo also leave him and never come back? faec59e1dd1dadd08366

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Sejin was 1b61a98380 consumed by 86d671ece1 endless anxiety.b005f778cba650107271

He knew what kind of person Cheon Sejoo was and that 3a6345ff2a he wouldn’t act so irresponsibly, but he couldn’t help it. Having been abandoned by his father, 6205225197 his uncle, his homeroom teacher, by c7ea9f0e2c countless irresponsible men, it was a 5104a52078 scenario he couldn’t help but imagine.d9275fccc6e23c140978

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You brought b2d1763cc4 me here. a65838c06f2e59eb1d08

You can’t do this 521ba43d40 to me now. 7cbc33aad1bbbcd963cc

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You can’t 7d14b64063 abandon me 1bc0b9b7fe so irresponsibly. 434f369e1ff84a9ec5eb

You can’t…7f510cd2941c445a9104

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