PEN Vol 4 Ch. 5

Stepping into the empty elevator late at night, Sejin licked his lips as he looked at the back of the man standing slightly ahead of him. Cheon Sejoo, whom he hadn’t seen properly in a while, still looked handsome even from behind. Fixing his gaze on his smooth nape, Sejin thought he wanted to touch him.

“Hey.”

Suddenly, the casual address snapped Sejin out of his reverie. The elevator doors had opened, revealing the underground parking lot. He hadn’t even noticed they’d arrived.

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“Aren’t you getting off?”

At Cheon Sejoo’s question, Sejin furrowed his brow for a moment, then got off, muttering something under his breath, and followed him out of the elevator. As he followed Cheon Sejoo, laden with bags, toward the car, a sudden wave of annoyance made him puff out his cheeks.

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What’s with the “Hey”? I have a perfectly good name. 

The thought suddenly popped into his head. Without hesitation, Sejin spoke to Cheon Sejoo.

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“Don’t call me ‘Hey’.”

Cheon Sejoo, who had been walking ahead, turned his head, looking at him as if asking what he was talking about, surprised by Sejin’s sudden outburst. Staring at his handsome, tired face, Sejin repeated himself.

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“I said, stop calling me ‘hey’. I call you Cheon Sejoo properly, so why do you do that?”

“…”

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Cheon Sejoo, who had been opening the back door to load the luggage, turned around with a bewildered expression on his face. He blinked a few times, then took the laundry bag from Sejin’s arms and asked,

“Don’t you think that’s the problem?”

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“What? What’s the problem?”

“Don’t you think it’s wrong for a snot-nosed brat like you to keep calling your elder ‘Cheon Sejoo, Cheon Sejoo’? Get in.”

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He loaded the laundry bag, closed the door, and opened the passenger door, shoving Sejin inside. Sejin squeezed himself into the seat with a sullen expression, then retorted as soon as Cheon Sejoo settled into the driver’s seat.

“What’s wrong with calling someone by their name?”

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“Right… Mr. Sejin Kwon.”

“Don’t mess with me.”

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“Who’s messing with you? Your mindset seems so Westernized, I thought I’d address you accordingly.” 

“…”

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Sejin puffed out his cheeks sulkily. He was bigger than Cheon Sejoo now, but acting like that made him look cute. Cheon Sejoo pushed aside the ridiculous thought of wanting to bite his cheeks and reversed the car. As he was paying at the automated machine at the parking lot exit,  Sejin who hadn’t given up yet spoke to him again.

“Anyway, don’t call me ‘hey.’ It makes me feel bad.”

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“Oh, really? Calling you ‘hey’ hurt your feelings?”

Cheon Sejoo chuckled and asked back. He turned right towards home, thought for a moment, and then burst out laughing as he looked back at Sejin again, genuinely amused.

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Sejin, at nineteen years old, expressing his feelings so honestly, seemed so young. 

Well, he is young. 

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Looking at Sejin, who was twelve years younger than him, Cheon Sejoo laughed and asked him.

“Should I call you baby?”

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“…….”

“Baby, it suits you perfectly.”

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He’s definitely sulking. 

Expressing his feelings this way was a childish habit, like something a kindergartener would do. That thought crossed his mind, so he called him “baby,” and Sejin scowled fiercely, glaring at Cheon Sejoo. 

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His fair skin, his smooth jawline free of any stubble, his delicate bone structure, and even his actions. 

Why did Kwon Sejin look so young? 

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Thinking this, Cheon Sejoo smiled.

“Sejin, baby. Let’s go home and study.”

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“Stop it.”

“Without baby, the house is a mess. Baby, when you get home later, this hyung might yell at you.”

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“I said stop it!”

Flushed with anger at Cheon Sejoo’s constant teasing about being a “baby,” Sejin yelled. Watching Sejin turn his head away, panting in frustration as he opened the car window, Cheon Sejoo finally couldn’t hold back and burst into hearty laughter. At the sound of his rare, clear laughter, Sejin drew his gaze back from outside and stole a glance at Cheon Sejoo.

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His usually cool face was pleasantly relaxed. His parted lips and the sound of his laughter were very impressive and cool. No, actually, it wasn’t just cool. There was something about Cheon Sejoo’s smiling face that made one’s heart flutter. Just the mere fact that his always cold, hardened face looked happy made Sejin’s heart feel like it was going to explode.

“Anyway, just stop it….”

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Defeated, Sejin mumbled in a quieter voice. Cheon Sejoo laughed for a while longer, then finally closed his mouth, sensing the gaze fixed intently on him. Returning to his usual cool and serious expression, he checked the traffic light, stepped on the brake, and said,

“Alright. I won’t call you ‘hey’ or ‘baby.’”

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“Okay.”

“So, “baby¹” is okay, right? Since you’re a Westerner and all.”

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“Cheon Sejoo!”

Once Sejin entertained him, the teasing never ended. Sejin, getting goosebumps from the cringe-worthy term “baby,” yelled again in annoyance. Cheon Sejoo just laughed again, saying, “Alright, alright.”

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Ever since his mother was hospitalized, Cheon Sejoo’s playful teasing had increased. Knowing that it was meant to lift his dampened spirits, Sejin felt immensely grateful to Cheon Sejoo. But even so, he couldn’t deny that he got irritated when Cheon Sejoo said such ridiculous things.

Sejin didn’t want to look like a child in front of the man he liked. 

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What was with treating him like a baby, as if there was a huge age difference between them? He didn’t actually know how many years apart they were, but it didn’t matter anyway. Age was just a number. In any case, disliking being treated like a child, Sejin pressed his lips together and maturely ignored Cheon Sejoo’s teasing.

While Sejin was doing this, the car was getting closer and closer to home. Driving more slowly than usual, Cheon Sejoo gauged the timing and spoke when he judged that Sejin’s mood had improved a little.

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“Let’s hire a caregiver, Sejin.”

“…What?”

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Sejin, who had been resting his chin on the door trim, turned his head sharply and glared. Cheon Sejoo reached out and grabbed Sejin’s left arm. Sejin looked down at Cheon Sejoo’s rough hand, which held him down with slight pressure as if to calm him, then sighed deeply and asked him.

“A caregiver?”

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“Yes. I think that would be better.”

“…Don’t you remember the news?”

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Cheon Sejoo knew exactly what Sejin was going to say. Coincidentally, there had been a recent news report about a caregiver at a nursing home who had abused an elderly person.

Sejin, who normally wouldn’t even glance at the news, had seen it while he was in the hospital room with Kim Hyunkyung, and after that, he’d rejected the idea of a caregiver, whom he hadn’t even sought out yet, treating them as if they were some heinous criminal. Because of this, they hadn’t even been able to consider hiring one until now.

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Cheon Sejoo slowly nodded and explained,

“I remember. I know. But not everyone is like that. It was on the news because that person was particularly bad.”

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“Of course, not everyone is like that!”

Sejin wasn’t stupid. But what he was worried about was the possibility. His mother had gotten pancreatic cancer, something other people rarely got, so there was no guarantee that the caregiver wouldn’t be that kind of person either.

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“But what if, by chance, that kind of person ends up being my mom’s caregiver? That’s why I don’t want to. I’ll do it. I can do it.”

Sejin flatly refused and turned his head away. Seeing him cross his arms as if he didn’t want to talk anymore after just one sentence, Cheon Sejoo frowned. He thought for a moment and then brought up something to persuade Sejin.

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“You know I graduated from medical school, right? I also did my internship and residency at Korea University Hospital where your mom is. So, I know a lot more about patients than you do.”

“…So?”

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“Do you know what’s most important for a patient? Peace of mind. It’s important for them to be in a state where they can focus solely on their treatment without worrying about anything else. That way, chemotherapy is effective, and recovery is faster. But how uncomfortable do you think your mother feels when you’re at the hospital like that?”

He hadn’t wanted to do this, but to get Sejin out of the hospital, he needed to make Sejin realize that his presence wasn’t entirely helpful to his mother. It wasn’t something pleasant to hear, so Sejin immediately reddened around the eyes and raised his voice.

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“What about me?!”

“I know you’re working hard. Your mother knows, and the nurses on the ward all know. I’ve heard them say countless times, ‘Where can you find such a filial son these days?’ But taking care of your mother isn’t the only thing you have to do right now. There are less than three months left until the CSAT (College Entrance Exam).” 

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“Are you telling me this because you want to send me home to study? Did Mom say that? Did Mom tell you to send me to school?”

His words were sharp. Sejin looked at Cheon Sejoo as if he had been betrayed and asked him that. His eyes were becoming moist. With an expression that looked like he was about to cry, Sejin was angry with him. Cheon Sejoo slowly reached out and clasped Sejin’s hands. Intertwining their fingers as if to comfort him, he gently stroked the back of Sejin’s hand with his thumb and said,

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“Yes, your mom asked me to. But think about it carefully, If you keep this up and mess up the CSAT, what do you think your mom will think? Do you think she’ll think, ‘Oh, our Sejin must have found the test too difficult’? You know that’s not true. She’ll think, ‘Because I’m sick, I kept my son tied up at the hospital, making him unable to study properly, so he ruined his exams.’ Don’t you think she’ll think that way? You know your mom’s personality well. Your mom is already distressed about being sick, so what will you do if you make her feel guilty about it?”

“Mom…. Mom….”

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Sejin’s muttering trailed off. Looking at him biting his lip and breathing heavily, Cheon Sejoo continued,

“While she’s in the hospital, she needs to shower and do other things, but you can’t help her with those, right? Even if Ms. Kim Hyun-kyung says she can manage on her own, wouldn’t it be so much easier if there was someone to help her? She’s doing it by herself now because there’s no one to help, but if there were someone, wouldn’t it be less strenuous and more comfortable for her?”

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“…….”

“And think about it. Have you had a single day where you haven’t fought with your mother in the past few days?”

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Even when Cheon Sejoo had visited, Kim Hyunkyung had been angry with Sejin. Since this situation had been going on for several days, Sejin couldn’t say anything at Cheon Sejoo’s point.

Tears welled up and began to trickle down Sejin’s cheeks, his lips pressed together in frustration. He couldn’t hide being upset, as if the fact that he couldn’t be of more help to his mother was incredibly frustrating.

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“I’ll find someone around your mother’s age. Then they’ll have things to talk about and it’ll be much better. I’ll find a good person so you don’t have to worry. So, let’s leave your mother to a caregiver and you go to school. Okay?”

Sejin roughly wiped his cheeks with his free right hand, his eyes red as he looked up at Cheon Sejoo. At some point, they had arrived at the parking lot. Cheon Sejoo parked in his spot, turned off the engine, and faced Sejin.

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“You’re going to do that, right?”

“…….”

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Sejin silently lowered his head. Sweat beaded on his tightly clenched palms. Cheon Sejoo, realizing he was still holding Sejin’s hand, tried to pull his arm away, but Sejin wouldn’t let go.

Sejin’s damp right hand covered Cheon Sejoo’s. Cheon Sejoo was the only one who could calm him. In this situation he hadn’t wanted to believe, only Cheon Sejoo was offering him solace.

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Sejin remained silent, his hand clasped over Cheon Sejoo’s. After a long while, he finally spoke.

“…Will Mom get better?”

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“Of course, she will.”

Cheon Sejoo answered without hesitation. The 5-year survival rate for stage 3 pancreatic cancer was around 10%. In the case of the Korea University Hospital Cancer Center, it was slightly over 15%, but it was undeniably a low number to be optimistic about survival. However, it meant that if treated, 15 out of 100 people lived for more than 5 years.

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Cheon Sejoo believed without a doubt that Kim Hyunkyung would be one of them. She was younger than other patients and the cancer hadn’t spread yet.

“She’ll get better, so of course she will. You don’t have to worry; just focus on your CSAT. Making patients smile is one of the best things you can do. You doing well on the exam is the same as helping your mom’s treatment.”

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“…….”

At Cheon Sejoo’s words, Sejin slowly nodded. Having stopped crying, he raised his head. His damp, red-rimmed eyes gazed intently at Cheon Sejoo. Feeling Cheon Sejoo’s warmth through their clasped hands, Sejin thought,

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Why is Cheon Sejoo so kind? Why does this person care for me so much?

He was the first adult male Sejin had ever met in his life. The men he’d met before were all beasts in human skin, unworthy of being called adults. Sejin suddenly wondered what it would have been like if Cheon Sejoo had entered his life a little earlier. It definitely wouldn’t have been like this.

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“…What it would have been like if someone like you were my father?”

His deep thoughts came out as a question. Sejin closed his mouth again, feeling strange about the words he’d just spoken. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one who felt that way.

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“Don’t say such horrible things, Rank 21.”

At Cheon Sejoo’s words, spoken with a grin and a crinkle of his eyes, Sejin lowered his gaze. It wasn’t that Sejin actually wanted to become a family with Cheon Sejoo. But it was something worth considering. 

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If someone like Cheon Sejoo were my father. If such a responsible, kind, and wonderful man were my father…

Would my mom and I have lived happily?

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Thinking like that made him realize how good a person Cheon Sejoo was. Slowly raising his head, Sejin met Cheon Sejoo’s gaze, a silent smile on his face, and suddenly felt a lump in his throat.

He liked Cheon Sejoo so much. But every time he became aware of that feeling, his stomach churned. He felt pathetic for thinking about holding Cheon Sejoo’s hand even once more time when his mother was sick. He felt terrible for being moved by his smile when he should be grieving his mother’s pain.

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Is it okay to feel this way? 

Overwhelmed by guilt, Sejin looked away from him. He felt as if he shouldn’t allow any other emotion to intrude upon his grief.

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