PD Ch9

Though I had been a bit drunk, there was no way that memory could be blurred. Even if the memory had been blurred, he was certainly the man who had indifferently watched me mixing lips and tongues with a strange man in the pitch-black darkness of the Trax elevator. It wasn’t an impression that could be passed by vaguely. He was the man I had especially remembered because of the words he hadn’t finished after calling out to me.d4c29fe458624a62

“…”2d254d57c1f26c4f

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Not knowing what I was doing, I sat down in the chair and stared at him blankly. My stepfather’s son slightly bowed his head towards me and then raised it. He was maintaining eye contact without breaking his gaze.412e42152a14c5cf

“Is this your first meeting? Well, since you both didn’t come that day, it must be your first time. Greet each other. This is Yoon Junghyun, and this is my son, Seungwon. He lives separately and said he was busy with exams, so I just called him now. I should have introduced you earlier, I’m sorry.”d665255d8844054a

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My stepfather, who knew d4c51df230 nothing, proudly introduced his bebf2b0e14 son to me. The man greeted ea33326b70 again.ec7cb35ea2f77f52

“Hello. I’m Lee Seungwon.”443dc6e39eef5898

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”35f51ebf4b538b11

When I just stared blankly at Seungwon, momentarily flustered by the unexpected encounter in an unexpected place and form, my mother’s hand jabbed my side. I snapped back to my senses. I glanced at my mother’s hand moving quickly. Somewhat flustered, I hurriedly greeted him.3e92c6947a9746db

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“Yes, hello. I’m Yoon Junghyun.”0030cd415727e621

“Junghyun is twenty-eight in Korean age, right? Or twenty-seven?”12810b443df1c2e9

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“I’m twenty-eight.”4b910d350c20fbd8

“This guy is in his final year of university this year. He took a year off and went to the military, so let’s see. Is he twenty-five? No, no.”df8a17b6ee994d13

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While the people involved said nothing, my stepfather and mother busily calculated ages. My stepfather seemed unsure of his son’s age and calculated in his head for a moment.5aa57f1d41ebc314

“You’re twenty-five, right?”9e68e969a634aeea

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“Yes.”231fcc04346a37e6

Seungwon responded 09aff4a2ad to his e66ed4a847 words.0ce8f75c9b255113

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“Anyway, Junghyun is your hyung, so you should treat him well as the younger one from now on.”590ffb32c5d7dc5a

“Yes.”2f434e7f9f835124

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It was 97a4eb9a8a an answer 5944de60bb as restrained cea0f0be41 in emotion 27f81133f1 as the 5bbc9c9e2a employees working 625720db0d in this 40f7121e2f house. A quiet tone 8d96876dba that was neither ef07770cbb refusing nor particularly 2969ffca0e engaged.e69a868de7f73596

“What does Seungwon like? The shrimp was fresh today, so I tried cooking some.”9e68d3f6219258f8

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“I eat anything well.”f2068390184b1603

My mother spoke casually and asked warmly as if she had been interacting with him for a long time. My stepfather’s son demonstrated his words by picking up some shrimp with his chopsticks and putting it in his mouth. With my gaze lowered, I caught sight of his long fingers moving and the shape around his jaw.a3b70fd405d6b7b3

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“Junghyun, eat too. Oh right, didn’t you say you needed to learn English? How about learning from Junghyun? He grew up in America and graduated university there, so he should be as good as a native speaker. Right?”5fad6f9dfde2ebb3

“…”1952619494b5d56c

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I said nothing to my stepfather’s suggestion. But beyond my expressionless face, I looked displeased or burdened.b5cabcec4494bb66

“I was planning to take it slow. You must be busy, so don’t worry about me.”c52830f3e493679a

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Whether he read my expression or simply didn’t really need it, my stepfather’s son politely drew a line and refused first.4276ed53aa52aa17

“Well then, let’s eat now. Grace, thank you for preparing dinner.”006037895d700a66

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“The housekeepers did all the work.”9fe392816f864118

My mother laughed like a refined lady. She was wearing light makeup and acting like a high school teacher to please my stepfather. I picked up my chopsticks too. My mind, which had been hazy from the medication, was now clear as if hit by a splash of water. The gaze that had been staring at me intently at first was also withdrawn. My stepfather’s son didn’t particularly look at me. When our eyes met briefly, it was simply because I happened to be sitting across from him. I had been inwardly displeased at the thought of being seen as someone who would squander my stepfather’s wealth or take away the share guaranteed to his only son, but there was no such hostility or wariness. My stepfather’s son was floating undisturbed beyond a clearly defined line. He ate his meal calmly.e44a9efed10475e7

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“Junghyun, are you sick?”d14c30a33e498136

My stepfather, 817705fa43 who had 946f38dde5 been glancing e2a013e230 at my e3a457514d complexion, asked. It seems my face 50b11353ff had turned pale without 96895c542a me realizing. I shook ca1d59b3a1 my head.dba3d57ad2591a4c

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“I took some headache medicine, so I’m feeling a bit dizzy.”b24d8f76451ed4e3

“Do you have a headache?”3df69188aa63f5f3

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“…Yes.”1208e3cb4bf2b1fc

“Is it bad?”890b328d79a2b31f

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“This kid has always been like an old man. Even in America, he lived on aspirin.”825c2aad44cd47f4

My mother answered my stepfather’s question. She went on talking about Americans who eat Tylenol like snacks. When my mother asked my stepfather, “Teacher, do you know how much burden Tylenol puts on the liver?”, I suddenly felt a gaze and looked up, meeting eyes with my stepfather’s son. It was a deep gaze that didn’t convey emotion but seemed to dig in a little.511471da12d26adc

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He might not remember.9e6f7f36c5a73f6e

I met his eyes without avoiding them. I looked at him with a clear intention that even if he remembered what happened then, he shouldn’t say anything, suggesting we pretend not to know each other. Knowing about each other’s sexual identity, especially in Korea where homosexuality was defined as a perverse act, was tantamount to knowing the most intimate depths of each other.11f767517a71a33e

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Without realizing it, I had a desperate look in my eyes. I looked at him pleadingly, saying that if he kept the secret, I too would not disclose it to anyone. I expected that if he didn’t remember, he would look puzzled as to why I was making such eyes, and if he did remember, he would respond as a fellow secret-sharer. However, my stepfather’s son picked up a side dish with an expression that made it impossible to guess anything.534f776b2bdc98e4

“Please, have some.”5adbe08d82c5648c

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It was a statement with unclear intent, but the leisurely tone of that casual speech was looking down on people from the top of their heads. My stepfather’s son was wearing a haughty smile as if he had completely figured out the opponent’s hand of cards in a gambling game where one’s wrist was at stake.80c0e848b7e81e18

It meant he remembered.98a02ce6c95efa51

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In that moment, I realized I shouldn’t have made such a desperate look asking to bury it as a secret. As with all regrets, it was already too late. I responded with a coldly sunken face.637196e4a497b2cc

“…You have some too.”a5dd735f95cdbfbf

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“…”5a5ff1e95e9a36c2

For the first time, an expression appeared on his face at my words. It was unexpected. ‘Unexpected’ seemed to be an unpleasant emotion for my stepfather’s son. Both the unexpectedness and the displeasure at that unexpectedness briefly crossed his face simultaneously. My mother, who had been talking about Tylenol, looked at us staring at each other. Though I felt her gaze piercing my forehead, I pretended not to notice and turned my eyes to the rice bowl mixed with black rice. The grains of rice grating in my mouth felt like hard stones.ebd1edc5fbac8fbe

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Life had never been kind to me, not even once. I knew that. I didn’t want to despair anew over something I had known for a long time. I silently continued eating.ba36c2b80d42db7b

The first dinner of a remarried family where the sons of a single father and single mother meet for the first time was awkward no matter what. My stepfather and mother led the conversation. When talk of business came up, my mother became even more enthusiastic. While she had the sense to tone down her lipstick color and find modest clothes to wear, why couldn’t she hide her intimate and vulgar true feelings, which openly wondered how much profit such businesses actually made, with a crassness that was hard to listen to and bear.bd644e6bcd955405

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“You must be tired managing all that, teacher.”db4ddaf39e9b0bc0

“Why do you keep calling me teacher? Call me comfortably now.”0c7952317a03f90c

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“I’m used to calling you teacher. I’ll change it gradually.”b2ec85c650170854

The effects of the medication seem to be surging up. The man who said he loved me had married my mother, and my mother who married him had sold her son because she needed money. I was an object, sold by my mother and bought by the man. Their smiling conversation was ridiculous and also frightening. I couldn’t sit properly. A sudden urge to vomit everything up welled up. I barely managed to empty my portion of rice. I put down my spoon.1134c8808be58435

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“I’m finished eating. Is it okay if I get up first?”c4c5fd3ec7236e4d

I asked more politely on purpose. My stepfather nodded in agreement. My mother nagged, saying, what could she do about my short appetite, and couldn’t a child who wasn’t affectionate at least match her eating speed to others? It was an effort to change the somewhat awkward atmosphere by putting down her own son. My mother’s way of leading the conversation was to make me look like a strange person before she was satisfied. I had already given up on that kind of thing. I just got up without replying. The stepfather’s son, who knew how to match his eating speed to others, made eye contact.ea034c8713b95171

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“…”a4a84481f47895cb

I ignored his face, which was now sending a negative reply to my eyes that had contained a request and a warning. I coldly got up from the table. At the same time, my stepfather’s son spoke to my stepfather. Lee Seungwon, was it?b39a55d5eb59b689

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“I’m just going to clean my room.”d4370393c223aa4d

“Why the room?”c34d77ad68831b69

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“I have to move in. I have a family now.”7bfcc903637a2f5a

Pretending not to hear their conversation, I turned away from the table, clenching my fist so as not to falter. Behind me, my stepfather’s son continued.ca737c32f0250d8e

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“Please clean the room and get it ready so I can move my things in tomorrow. It’ll be fun to live together. Don’t you think so, Auntie?”18777820c02db645

At his words, my mother, who had secretly wanted to use the remaining room as she pleased, revealed her shallow intentions and responded with a reluctant feeling, and my stepfather didn’t add anything to his son’s wishes. He simply told the live-in housekeeper to clean the room.8b9cd8e29b555adc

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I let their conversation 49c5ab1311 flow behind me as 2a0c77a7cd I headed to my ef8695c671 room. My knees seemed to 4a831a6daa buckle and give way.3ea2076e5c87d389

I didn’t unpack on purpose. I only took out what I needed and washed up roughly, as if I were only staying for one night. It was a large space where even if the luggage in the carrier found its way to the bookshelf and closet, it would still feel empty, but since nothing was in place, it felt even emptier. I was reminded of my senior’s call, so I sat at my desk, opened a book, and sat there with a face that couldn’t read at all.1ccd5f4ef915cfaa

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”0ae65ebbf8242631

“…”09931ae073e2307f

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I won’t deny that if I hadn’t encountered him in this situation, I might have given him a favorable look at least once. A face that didn’t resemble my scholarly stepfather. A face with a stronger animal scent that seemed to subtly alternate between wildness and intelligence. For me now, having feelings for others is a luxury, and moreover, he’s my stepfather’s son. Under the same conditions where each other’s sexual preferences were exposed, it seemed that only my stepfather’s son was enjoying the situation.924c41a549df93a2

Suddenly, he’s going to move in?680b68a7c805ad6b

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I heard that 5d6e1bb3bc he had become 141af3827f independent as soon 994aaab282 as he entered 220021741c university, even though 9125809e48 there were only 1f9cee0eed two family members.5468c0decd4995c8

His intentions were obvious. I was overwhelmed 018caaa8bb with a dirty affd646a08 feeling of being e6aa290dcc a rabbit cornered a4516db45c by a hunter.46822780e0bc9f20

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My nerves, 7249e57fc2 which were fd234e5470 always sensitive 79d1798e76 to the f57b0bd04f door, twitched dec1b72b7f unconsciously. Someone opened b3b51fe057 the door 79dc5bdc45 and came 4dfbde692e in. I was 6aa1219a54 startled and 303695d9b6 turned around.82c8d51be37b08df

“What’s wrong?”cb4b1b1f631a9362

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“…”2771d5e45e717623

The door 6e75db4528 closed behind 0290762e7f my stepfather. The only d5f930ddc2 escape route 0f193964d9 was blocked. Every time the bc437c41f9 door closed, and 27a6637a97 every time the b67a6fd357 person closing the 1a5ba3308e door was my ada1cd1571 stepfather, I felt c89d40a609 trapped here. In front of my 8fbafb190e stepfather, and in a 0d33cb2099 space where I was 56aa437923 alone with my stepfather, 9e4b594d97 my whole body stiffened a50b035173 involuntarily.b75bf7ae419ac186

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I nervously crumpled the corner of the book, hoping that my eyes, staring anxiously at the closing door, wouldn’t twitch.7117241fb6743d76