PD Ch5

The sky lounge restaurant f42f7fe18f was filled with dinner fc3b5ab82b guests.bacdf88d088110fd

My mother f6f422ce69 recognized me a3e7a9bd18 as I 6b499e6af7 entered and 214ab19496 raised her 0587c293ca hand slightly. She had taken 9f941ca67e a cruise along ecd2496aa7 the Han River ffe4d50b22 and visited some 18ef22459d department store, and 96c983fb4b on her lap d7c3e3e5b5 was a handbag 671ee808b5 I had never 63961b596c seen before. Having worked part-time in cde68f85f0 the luxury goods section 858d63367c of a shopping center, a33c4d8d5c I knew most of 0836e96137 the brands and product 59a8c0542a characteristics. What she was 361e1939f5 holding was a 9d9279dd8e so-called luxury bag. It was b3dafe2eee an H 163f1cf90f brand bag, fca7d005e9 considered one 6fb40d7885 of the 320c5065aa most luxurious.1c6156d729da28fc

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“You’re just arriving?”2c02d7719e6dc1ca

My mother got up and gave me a light hug. It wasn’t that I had a phobia, but it felt as if her scent was transferring to me, along with the man’s scent, so I frowned without realizing it and carefully pulled away from her shoulder.8ed34d91f68b4a13

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“I’m a little late.”95dbe86d92c72aab

“Mr. Lee gave me a lot of sightseeing in Seoul today. You know, when I said this bag was pretty, he gave it to me right there. It takes months to order, but I was really lucky.”28b56d5e0ebd8492

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My mother couldn’t contain her joy. It was my mother, but it was hard to listen to her frivolousness. I felt humiliated, as if I had been insulted.a02404082feff7b4

“Is that so.”bdcc6c6d7efebf33

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I showed f6fc657572 the minimum 4e2eaec758 amount of 9a39939a86 interest I 9613fab591 could and b754621b32 replied with 0e6378790e a blank 8357c153a1 expression.86964f60ba297643

Mr. Lee.d0d5e3c0f255e89c

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The man who my mother called Mr. Lee when she was in a good mood, and President Lee when she was in a slightly bad mood, the man who would soon become my stepfather, smiled kindly and sent me a look. I sat up straight in my chair and deliberately cast my gaze elsewhere. I didn’t want to make eye contact. If our eyes met, it could only be described as a disaster. The man’s gaze, which seemed to scratch at my brow, was so obvious that the frown on my face deepened a little more.156a8e7dd9d2b847

“Junghyun, tell me if there’s anything you want to eat.”a268e5d1c77ba760

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The man asked, beabaead87 persistently giving me ae882ae56a a look.f7e43c0eaedfa1ff

“What did you order?”4f1e1cdb4f49ea4e

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Ignoring the man’s question, I looked at my mother and asked.266a8a0e11a730da

“I just ordered the set menu. They say the sirloin steak is good here. Do you want steak?”2e7298b84fb946d9

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“Okay.”ce0e8ae9c4e44a93

I answered my mother, d1eecb1f15 but this time the 8da26f9d12 man asked.0e1ecb3b2567c150

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“What about wine?”3e764e5211c91f88

“I’m fine.”26346df94803112f

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Without realizing it, a cold tone came out. My mother’s expression subtly distorted, as if she was worried that the man would notice my dislike of him. The face that I resembled, I was probably making a similar expression to her now.8f3ad93872ebbd4e

“Next time.”7863f07011f7097a

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I didn’t want to provoke the dry and neurotic side of my mother. I forced a smile, smoothing out my hardened face, and barely managed to say the words.1999e1a8ecb1c1c3

The man 5a14f4263a placed an d4c3d53fc2 order. Listening to the 470a1baaf9 dry piano melody, 4ea8b21057 I sat numbly, 4caace79ad staring at my c5f9ea5354 mother who was d8a79c5fa3 chattering incessantly. In a foreign country 189638fab6 where communication was difficult, 630de0bc43 my mother had used ab7af8876b that land as a 0de4c4eb91 refuge, yet she always 4b21f24a92 wanted to return to f5da1cf0a8 Korea, the place she 51091bc3db had fled from. Finally back 46eb491622 in Korea 2c48f80a59 as she 5612f24506 had long 1b48423c11 wished, she 6410fabd73 was in 054fad4c3b a state c8700175ac of excitement. She was 337eb14b18 with a 9da3af0d89 man who cb69c340e4 had the 8150f65bfd financial means 24ebed3799 to solidly a05903407a support their e01415c3ce lifestyle. He was b303bc966e a man 1f964dc6d2 who had fa5b9491f1 forgiven our b035fe57f6 debt without 552e86beb5 any conditions, 657f8b5836 even though d46c6ff88f it had 8f155c565e touched my cfc1fb6b08 school tuition. To her, he was bfe14fc15f light, hope, and salvation.4f7e71e83b76fe07

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My mother’s frivolous excitement seemed to keep stimulating my sore spots. I occasionally responded to her words, barely managing to lift the corners of my lips in what could barely be called a smile. My mother, who never knew how to let anything pass quietly, kept prodding at the feelings I was trying not to touch. After talking and laughing for a while, she changed her expression and asked me, who had been indifferent throughout. No, she attacked.2049654f8631e030

“Are you uncomfortable?”38bb07c7d7cef99d

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“I’m not uncomfortable.”2b49f84f12c949dd

“You’re making a face like you’ve eaten something sour.”9b751958a88e84de

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“It’s not that. I’m just not used to Seoul. I didn’t grow up here. I feel like I’m in a foreign country the whole time.”3305e4bf80373f40

Yeah, maybe that’s why.a98063284103842e

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This place called 4ee08130ea Seoul, where people 75e9055816 of the same 382f7e7721 race with the 73fc79ba40 same skin color 604843a57a using the same 95fd8e6b32 language gathered, was 113eeaa9d6 still foreign to 69ddd8815c me and unfamiliar f731c0dff6 even after several 2789597718 days had passed.d36386214f6180f1

I felt suffocated. I could barely endure this short time, and I doubted how long I could put up with such a shameless mother and the man who couldn’t take his eyes off me. I couldn’t sit here in my right mind.413dc48cb6454aa0

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“You wanted to come to Seoul too, didn’t you?”6f89e64dcb25cae1

“That was when I was young. I said I didn’t want to come. You forced me even though I said I didn’t want to. You should understand that to some extent.”ebdc197719c19db3

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“How dare you!”dd8c003b1fdf0ad1

“Grace, that’s enough.”f8ee707e12d8f06c

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My mother’s Korean name was Jiyoung. She hated her Korean name. Grace was the third English name she had changed to. When someone wanted to introduce themselves, my mother introduced herself as Grace. With a noticeably changed voice and expression, my mother sweetly apologized to the man.7c78a1d4b9dcaed4

“I’m sorry. This child is so unsociable. You understand, right?”6e4bf70167fc08f1

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“Having grown up in America, Seoul might feel a bit stifling. And suddenly having a father is not an easy thing. I understand, Junghyun.”afa5ac7aa521a4c0

“…”1411752f90346625

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Only then did I turn my gaze towards the man for the first time. The face of the middle-aged man who had divorced his wife long ago and become single didn’t just show the expectation of starting a family with a woman he liked. It was mixed with consideration, showing that he could fully understand the side effects and conflicts commonly seen in remarried families. A strong fishy smell emanated from the man who was acting kindly while pursuing dirty betrayal. It was a stench. It was the smell of rotting fish and decaying corpses that made one’s nose crumple. Violently rejecting him, I found myself glaring at the man with an expression as if I had smelled something foul.bae36d91cce628ad

“This child is getting…! What kind of disrespectful look is that?”e84f9e8cc56474c4

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My mother’s hand slapped my shoulder.086046bf670970ce

“I’ll be going now.”1942c4ccfa4e8528

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I couldn’t stand it anymore. I abruptly stood up and left the table. A waiter approaching the table with the ordered food stopped in his tracks and gave way to me. When I quickly left the restaurant where people were quietly talking and busy cutting their food, and stood in front of the elevator, the man who had followed me suddenly grabbed my wrist. As if a snake’s tail was coiling around my wrist, I shook him off in horror. My arm drew a large semicircle. My voice trembled, choked with anger.375fefe7eeb571aa

“My mom isn’t that stupid. She’ll soon find out. She’ll soon realize what kind of intentions you have for remarrying, what dirty thoughts you’re harboring inside. If she doesn’t seem to know, I’ll tell her. I’ll tell her with my own mouth what you did to me.”5f7fa0034131b472

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“Junghyun.”c0c022643c79b158

“Are you really crazy?”a9decd68a6453980

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“Junghyun.”d50a6fe72c95b77f

“Don’t touch me!”aa9f02fc7d04c7fe

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I stepped back a couple of steps to avoid the man’s hand reaching out to me. I was wary of him like prey facing a predator. The man’s outstretched hand curled into a pitiful shape. Just as his hand shape was pitiful, so was his expression. Despite my obvious disgust, desire was thickly coated in his eyes, and he didn’t even try to hide it. That was the truly disgusting part.b8a556057728ef73

“That’s not how I feel.”1dc4cfeaee2ddbb4

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“Should I tell mom what you did to me? That you want to remarry? Are you really in your right mind? Sort yourself out. It’s horrifying just to think about it.”9520eaf8044c0cee

“This is the first time I’ve felt this way.”afa62db6066f5527

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“…”0c7515945a659596

“I’ve never experienced this in my entire life. Even I’m bewildered.”c38b538756a4d075

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“…”47141bd710af9b59

“I don’t know what to do. I just want to keep you close. That’s all I feel.”92cff90dad76b4fe

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“…Don’t touch my body.”a383defa97f33a56

I escaped into the elevator that had just arrived, avoiding the man who was gradually reducing his steps. He was a man who couldn’t be reasoned with. He was a man who lacked common sense. He didn’t care even though I was showing my disgust with my whole body. He clearly didn’t understand what I was saying. A sane person couldn’t act like that. It seemed like the worst-case scenario I had threatened and yelled at him about would unfold if I continued to deal with this man who seemed to have lost his grip on sanity somewhere. The man who couldn’t control himself and hide his emotions was literally a ticking time bomb that could explode at any moment. Ultimately, the most horrifying thing I wanted to avoid was my mother realizing the dirty desire her soon-to-be husband harbored for her son.0f02d3e654bb9960

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I was terrified by the man’s eyes burning with desire for me. My body, frozen pale blue, moved stiffly. As I frantically pressed the elevator close button, a thin hand prevented it and entered. It was my mother.872c132cd90d48ff

“Stay in. I’ll take the child home and come right back.”036359af8030f20b

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My mother smiled leisurely e66fb573ba as she got into 2178d7c873 the elevator. As the doors closed 55ed67891d on the image of a983aec7f3 the man standing helplessly, b5e42419d6 unable to stop us, 2f494f4cfa my mother immediately slapped d7408f4665 me hard across the 316eeea179 face.ecc571215530fe5a

Slap.8ed2f49caf2f43f9

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With my bc5ee8eaf7 head turned, f67e0a748b my gaze e8f935e3bb was directed 92a3df701f at the 2495cd4387 elevator floor.01f93380af4b3db4

“I couldn’t even pay the trailer rent! President Lee solved everything for us, don’t you know that? You and I owe him a big debt! This isn’t polite! Why are you acting so stubbornly? What’s the reason?!”5e2a317bcc84d53f

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“The fifty thousand dollars that was scammed was my money. You’re the one who owes me, Mom. I don’t owe that man anything.”2bf7a5aca0e4c4e6

“You’re putting on airs in front of your mother over a few pennies like that? I’ve endured and sacrificed my whole life for you. You know better than anyone how it was for me in America where we had no one.”2519ebe310ed79f9

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“Mom, you didn’t endure for my sake. Don’t call it a sacrifice that you’ve raised me all this time while finding me burdensome like baggage. You didn’t sacrifice. You just didn’t have the courage to abandon me. You were afraid of being haunted by guilt and living as if being chased after abandoning me. And if I wasn’t there, Grandpa would have cut off the money.”a220ae34a2e0f947

“…”5eeaa79903dcfb77

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“Am I wrong?”d5652ca869549a95

The disgust that 5488912336 showed when I d2921273fd looked at the 6b13eef000 man appeared unfiltered 8c90212c47 on my face. She trembled her lips 868318b493 as she looked at 26556f55f0 my face. After glaring at me bb95e9f6c9 for a while, my f5d212f1d3 mother opened her mouth.60c7b15150c74d8b

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“Is your mother such a disgusting person to you?”08afee0411c7c9d0

“I feel sick every time you act like this.”ea6e0106202960fc

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My mother’s lips twisted. Our life in a foreign country where we had endured with just the two of us. The symbiotic relationship where we sometimes hated each other but couldn’t let go of pity was not that of comrades, but enemies. Enemies that we couldn’t abandon despite being enemies. My mother needed me, and I needed my mother, after all. For survival, we had to endure even what we disliked, and it was a time we couldn’t easily cut off just because we were mother and son.12bc2fe8e92900cc

“Whether I treated you like baggage or found you burdensome, I’m the mother who gave birth to you. Don’t I have the right to do this to you after giving birth to you in pain?”4121f65fe5627595

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“I never asked to be born as your child. I wasn’t born because I wanted to be.”c3e2ab718c272294

“What is it that you hate so much, do you dislike that your mother is becoming happy?”7c22e6ce16b789df

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“That man doesn’t love you, Mom.”b3492279b963b765

“…Do you think I love that man?”a2d15d2005608015

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My mother’s eyes wavered. I was desperate to choose the right words. My mother liked that man. Whether it was a sticky feeling of love or not was unclear, but she did like him, and she wanted to hold onto the man, using money as a superficial reason. The man used ambiguous rhetoric. He showed that he would marry her if she pushed for it. Whether he was being dragged along or voluntarily leading, it didn’t change the fact that it would take the form of marriage. My mother knew this fact better than anyone.76d23da6964670ba

Even in this situation, I didn’t want to hurt my mother. I could tolerate the wounds I inflicted on my mother, but I couldn’t bear it when it was caused by someone else. I was afraid that my mother would get hurt because of the man. Like me, my mother was already in tatters.0ee330d59a700460

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