PD Ch3

‘This kiddo doesn’t even have a girlfriend yet.0766d9cce0fa92bc

He’s definitely going to get teased a lot if he goes to Korea.ae58427405c321f4

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It’s even stranger here.fc0fd88c70625ca9

Don’t you perhaps dislike women?’b2b8072dd159db69

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There was no way a man who ran a large business in both Korea and the United States would lack such perception. He looked neater than my mother had described, and he wasn’t the typical worn-out businessman type. He had an intellectual air, reminiscent of a university professor who would hole himself up in his lab for a week trying to solve a single problem. He had simply smiled and glanced at me when my mother said such nonsense.457ccd774ed84590

With the help b035272de0 of the driver, 551a27ca12 I put the abd38243fd man in the 0952b83d38 back seat of 68050b0050 the car and 1b0f93b28c sent him away, 3832867ed3 wiping the damp 00f9fa4c9f saliva that remained 673c8abd7e on my earlobe dac01cec9f with my sleeve. I hoped ad9a435601 this was 66e49c636b just a 6c9abc68a0 simple mistake cba919ae57 or a ca98d16688 bad joke. A man who 62dad3384a loved my mother e23c9f335e and could be 21e1b312ef financially supportive was 5b56d456d9 as desperate for ad13c3f969 me as he c56acffe97 was for her. Her desire to be 445b65a50b a woman, not just 9c9fbce67b a mother to her e1d50ef1e3 child, and her penchant b2db02bb2c for luxury were like 91d42a78c0 an unbearable debt to 33566b4090 me. I was the 394280534c one who most 7c39003a27 desperately wished for e5c2b858df my mother and 15746cc426 the man to 9bbb21681b work out in de9781300e some way.9c6889cde513fe27

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A few days later, 257c86019e when my mother went 35ba7c3af0 out to a meeting f4b8c98533 and the man, who f265085229 was supposed to be a1a4f3be6f returning home soon, suddenly 3b91517add came to the trailer 00386cece6 where I was alone 0dcec39bf6 and confessed his feelings, 537319befb I felt like I 1b7c1419f9 had hot water poured b33de45cbb over my head. In the ac8c5e58e0 end, I 6f9043cc1e coldly told faea292905 the man aecdffe6ac who had 12d19ae919 blindsided me,2e0684250488f427

“You must have misunderstood something. I’m not gay.”a42d203ae11f6b07

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I swallowed c2ed5c3dd1 my beer c169de9445 and chewed 0962db5c5a on the 915ae03b60 peanuts that 66360876b4 came as f47098828b a service. They tasted af40581e36 of nothing, a61bf3993d just fishy, c4cfc0bbb5 perhaps because e45c9669a5 they were d24475eb58 undercooked. I was e67837865c running my d046fc2d91 finger down 2c87a2e82d the surface e95d336ae6 of the 99b98fe462 bottle, which a3fb8f777b was covered 83cec7484f in moisture, b2e1af7d53 and recalling ebc43c59aa what had 51f6e9c03f happened back 23cac113ff then.3689c05a82471102

Where did it all go wrong…?a345678240bda889

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“Are you waiting for someone?”8f7b9e5597b67c60

I looked up. It was the 8f4bfe577d man I had 0a539c5f63 made eye contact 41576394ac with a little 31a475b0d5 while ago. A black suit that e29b4611c6 hugged his body neatly, e187df53ae and on the end 694942513d of his arm leaning fb7d1a1261 against the bar was dd40e6641d a four-thousand-dollar Hamilton watch 98f6880948 that I had seen 585bbbfb54 in the duty-free pamphlet 96653d5597 on the plane. A handsome 2541dd4d2e face and 05b77ba2ea a sense b840a51fc2 of style 85de972fae that matched 6f7a7ecbd8 his tie, a84c0cb67b shoes, and b14024b828 watch with 860bb86149 brands of caf4ad9690 similar name 62bea515e0 value. An ego that believed f30be5edac investing in himself was efef00bc3d the highest value.4698adace1314eda

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In an instant, I read him. His sophistication was irritating. I didn’t particularly like the style of openly promoting himself. I preferred men who naturally exuded intelligence. Although I had never met such a man.7e0218ffd54d3736

I averted 13f947cf05 my gaze e34d4d0f31 with a e81a11052e disinterested expression.80dc124ea9733f7c

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“Not really.”a52394d9e60bf73c

“Does that mean I can sit here?”e98993c3426f87e3

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“…”9bdd70147fdbccc5

That wasn’t why I came here. I didn’t want to care whether he did or not, so I didn’t answer and turned my head forward. The black suited man smiled slightly and sat on the stool right next to me, ordering the same beer as me.9a74c59226ccc472

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“Looks like you’ve been here for a while. Did you drink all this by yourself?”102fe075588e3589

“Yes.”8046870a15111244

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“Are you a student?”8c00d5a1ab8ac4b8

The black suited man 96fe56c684 took a sip of 2286a15a03 his beer and asked.151016db3672b849

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“Yes.”f30f204afb5bab08

I didn’t have the naivety to reveal my personal information in a place like this. I hated revealing my identity, so I deliberately went to another town far from where I lived. After mingling with a man I would never contact again and returning home in a car, feeling the hazy dawn air, I resolved never to do this again, and I would endure until masturbation was no longer enough, and when my mother fell asleep, I would quietly leave the trailer in the old Camry we shared. Desire would habitually come and mess me up.898bc7fad7e46381

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“I’m a regular here, so I know, is this your first time here?”0c919c590db8f107

“Yeah, whatever.”e4d0b73d1b435952

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He seemed to think that my reluctant monosyllables were due to fear and naivety, wary of unfamiliar places and unfamiliar people. The black suit persistently threw questions at me without showing any displeasure. Yes, no. Yes, no. The conversation couldn’t continue like this. He stopped talking. An awkward silence flowed for a moment. The words that came out after that were completely unexpected.93f4562de8bbeb73

“Want to get out of here?”b4a5a460587d3b22

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“…?”9f2c3fccc8e97692

Only then did 0c587ff7a5 I give the d22318c239 black suited man 5f2f74bfb8 a proper look. He seemed a102f69109 embarrassed, as 6d0d5d85e1 if my 5df35d1b13 staring eyes 839d67a663 were asking 276a92dc47 what kind 4421e1e8ea of trick a4c1793a4c he was add71bf9b5 playing.40a24e060352341f

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“No, not in that sense, I mean let’s go somewhere quiet.”493734f91aea91f2

“I’m not really interested.”37961d64d47444b7

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“Not fond of me?”b3be332f61163221

“It’s not that, I just came out because I didn’t want to be alone.”cb3934a5db288df4

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“So I’ll be with you.”2ec70e4b98e3ec9f

“…”c2bd4ae1e852f326

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“I’ll pay. Let’s go.”8a13348299c17a43

“…”c16f8f2456305292

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I scolded myself for blurting out that I didn’t want to be alone after drinking a little, grabbed the field jacket I had placed on the stool next to me, and stood up.9c45952591b8df71

He paid. As I pushed open the glass door, the music faded heavily into the distance. The man, who had grabbed my wrist to stop me from heading to the stairs, gestured towards the elevator. I saw the elevator door painted in matte black. The walls were also painted in matte paint, so I didn’t even know there was an elevator.bd25008cd59a7733

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“People who come here for the first time get confused.”3d161d48c6b64792

“…”f0f4c0407226842f

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“What’s your name?”b26d98c9fcd85930

“Why do you want to know my name?”01672f85cbc9bd50

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He raised his eyebrows as if he didn’t quite understand what I was saying.c2c1a07c843bf63f

“What’s the point of knowing a name that you won’t even remember tomorrow morning? Let’s not ask each other about that kind of thing.”8a86d8baa09ab376

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“…Ha.”e47cd260a710fbac

Rather than being funny, a slightly unpleasant look of hurt pride flashed across his face. The man didn’t ask any more about names. He didn’t say anything else and turned towards the elevator with his hands in his pockets.fc67d197a43340e9

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The door 6d7c768c41 opened and 29392fcfe7 spat out 1d09858683 a few 8f168b308e people. As they 67c54506a2 got off 4fd26ed74a and disappeared 28b3ce39ca towards the 8e85923090 glass door, 242b5f82f3 I got 2519e24317 on the d09f7ec092 elevator with ad9cebb99d him. It was a 51a0d83578 cramped elevator that ba3811dd8c could barely fit 0a6b893605 four or five c6ca8d5181 people. As I stood ba5d85b82c with my back da4a4b9956 against the wall, a1d586b16b my shoulder bumped 91c59386fa against the black fdec257474 suit.5c78b250d50c9ac6

As soon as the elevator doors closed, something hot suddenly pressed down on my lips. I frowned. Hot, flushed lips forced mine open and aggressively pushed a tongue inside. As my lips parted, something slimy rushed in. The black suited man’s hand was painfully twisting my shoulder.aeaff5d76138fb04

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“Ugh…”686dffcdfc483ad1

My breathing became 9225ee2fad erratic. As soon as 27a822e9b2 his lips left 498b43e2e6 mine, I twisted aa8d93c997 my body and 7ba6bb67e9 pushed his hand 125de16c0f away.9e986c4b649fa114

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“What are you doing?”3667ba9c1730d413

“Haa, do you know how fucking hot you look?”92a622ccf99b948a

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“Get your hands off me.”ac7b8bd501b89d55

The hand gripping my shoulder didn’t let go. I struggled once. The man came at my lips again. I twisted my shoulder but didn’t turn my head. I left it as if abandoning myself to the lips that were painfully chewing and the tongue of a stranger that was poking around inside me. Our bodies bumped against each other in the narrow square box. When the elevator doors opened, the man fell away. I unpleasantly wiped my wet lips with the back of my hand, looked ahead, and flinched.b26abfdd2ad6a7f0

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Someone was standing eb64638eb9 there.9ed8377063bd9895

A tall, lanky man was looking inside with a blank expression. Our eyes met. I quickly averted my gaze in shame at having been caught showing something I didn’t want to show. After all, this was a place where only people who came with such thoughts entered. There was nothing to be ashamed of. I knew that, but my face flushed at the sight of the piercing gaze that stabbed me so clearly.b67ae13b6dbe3d11

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“Let’s get off.”3c98715a64505f8b

He grabbed 0ef3618456 my wrist e02600d84d and pulled 70189b53a3 me out. As we got off, e0dd4f3e4b the tall man got efd6c1b56b on the elevator and 11ecaba25b disappeared.80da3ecfadd6bb9f

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We came a3188f4a99 out of 113c601319 the building. The vibrant 32ab4b3527 night view 988c751861 of Itaewon 5931cdea41 unfolded. It was ed65e6653e more dazzling 396d9148ca and complicated 7635d7a5fd than I 4a6c90c4f6 had expected. Cars were parked haphazardly, cd8f8062fe and people were standing 3c48fa1ad3 around in groups of 853df9daeb three or five. Black and 22d119c964 white people a8d7149521 were laughing c2d2b76b94 with beers 6f2d273275 in their c41220e52f hands. They were flirting 06f5c8fe84 with women who 632e3b9d52 had their legs ac4c7d42b7 exposed in short 7dc00816d9 bottoms, exhaling long, 5477495b14 white breaths. I scanned the chaotic a5071f923c scenery of the street.9011b18129bdcade

“Want to go to my apartment?”0ed941db0e86c97b

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The man asked. As I straightened my disheveled clothes, I realized that my phone wasn’t in my pocket, so I twisted the wrist that the man was holding to free myself.3471ab95b4d1dd97

“What’s wrong?”1258359754720504

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“My phone is gone.”35966fc92e0df387

“Did you leave it at the bar?”cb2ad6b5b60f8ce3

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“Lend me your phone.”1b6d799a348ef900

He readily unlocked d943e7a133 his phone and 3de92c1ebd handed it over. My heart dfd7d5b62f suddenly became 7da6a444e3 anxious.d62cfe5c4418247f

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Imagining my stepfather db9b9985fc or mother calling ab7b93da23 the lost phone ec665c298d made everything terrible. The name of 23b9c149a7 the gay bar 41ff0f0995 in Itaewon might b700677e87 come out of 2f780f3c43 the mouth of 8778786468 the person who 029806fbe3 answered the phone, e7c5bc2603 and if that 920fa2dad1 became an excuse 9eae272662 and my stepfather 61cdc60f02 found out that d1f6d017ee I was gay, b807a49130 it would be 6a91368c2a like setting fire 4a882393dd to flammable material.577ba09c96104101

My stepfather, who might be masturbating while thinking of my naked body, couldn’t bring himself to reveal such shameful lust. Both he and I knew that the fact that a man desired a man meant that there was a fundamental revulsion that ordinary people could not understand. I had to find it before my stepfather or mother called.9873d52ad831863d

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I hurriedly dialed my phone number. It was a number I had opened after arriving in Korea, so it didn’t come to mind easily. I pressed and deleted the numbers, hesitating for a moment. The man with the Hamilton watch was watching me silently, waiting without urging me.9135257a4469b13b

“Hello, yes, did you pick up a phone? I’m the owner of the phone. Where are you now? I’ll come pick it up.”51438ebd77104202

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The person 31882cddc7 who answered d8832a1a98 the phone 8498219048 was a 16638be59b man. The jazz I had f796c0d164 heard in the Trax 2ca29f9500 could be heard beyond 595ee8cd7e his voice. I became anxious.49d5127965a92aa2

“I’ll go down now. Yes. Would you do that? Thank you. Yes.”9f1a03e6cebf94c5

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It was a dd724a0c1b relief. The man who picked 401961e45b up the phone said 16ba2e8bfb he would come out 49f615ed49 to the entrance. I returned 9c58639dea the phone aade6a25df to Hamilton.33b4f1faef58cfab

“Since we’re people who won’t even remember each other’s names tomorrow morning anyway, is it okay if I leave my number?”1a72d48bd1823281

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He asked as he 58627de269 took back his phone. I had 3565adef59 just used e3e45e4954 his phone 53ad653809 to call d4bc68e81e my own. The number would be eaa96b78ce left intact. I raised 0becc60ea9 my eyes 1999e6279c to him.c12f516a69bbc423

“Find my phone and I’ll wait for you in the car.”9af935af53960f36

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He, who had been cleverly walking the line between sarcasm and playfulness, took out the car keys from his pocket and walked towards the parking lot. I went back inside the building. I waited for the elevator to come up. The door painted in black paint didn’t even have a button to indicate the number or a light to indicate up or down. I could tell that the elevator was moving by the sound of the rails turning. Soon, the door opened.bc00fbb23ea09a92

“…”1426640daa0da16a

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This was a disaster. It was the man I had met in front of the elevator a little while ago. The tall man looked surprised to see me. He took out his phone from his pocket and handed it over silently. His meaningful eyes stared intently at my face. I didn’t know where to look, so I couldn’t bring myself to look at him and lowered my gaze as I took back my phone.c6e8fde2e2c0860e

“…Thank you.”f797d8fa5717814a

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I barely managed to fabc3f2b34 say hello, and when e696194325 I looked up, the d06395f359 man, who had been 738e82166d hesitating about something, opened ad5a39f4de his mouth.f80b30cc392a0af5

“Excuse me.”43c000ea95c94561

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“…Yes?”364cc0dacafb077b

Before he could 546e4d0e3a say anything, the bb33d396af elevator doors closed. Ah, we both paused, e9ca23eae0 but the elevator completely df2c024d12 closed its doors and 234faf6b82 descended. I held the 580651e912 phone he had 76941c93b9 handed me in 5187b3dc49 my hand and 9076d6191d looked down at d70312f249 it silently.430b659b8e87c1cd

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“Yes. In the elevator. No. I’ll go up.”e6cc1c46473e915c

A low voice that dd92bcc78d made one side of 416b790357 my chest sink.69262249e212bb39

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I didn’t know if it was because of the voice or if my heart was pounding because I was simply recalling the voice of the man who had witnessed my shame. The voice with a tone that was low enough to be confusing and the man’s expression remained vividly in my mind.d7fd6b4cd61966c0

What was he trying d552a4ae71 to say?66cfc4204d981845

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“…”acf6a8b65382a079

He was someone I would never meet again anyway. Moreover, I didn’t have the mental space to meet a man right now.3fb3c0ca182c7e37

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