PD Ch2

“So, what are you going to do in the future?”b39dbc5ecf075677

At my senior’s question, I opened my mouth as if asking for the last lifeline.e85abe3cbe17d416

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“…If you need translation, please give me some work.”6f0e6e94f8cd58cd

“…”96d6153a109bb175

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Senior Hwang, who had asked so casually, paused mid-sip of his coffee. He looked puzzled. Though we hadn’t known each other long, Senior Hwang knew my personality to some extent. I was awkward with requests. Like those who aren’t good at asking for favors, I was fundamentally the type with excessive pride.7037f2be8e8663f6

I was ashamed. Asking for work out of the blue. The hand gripping the mug tightened, knuckles protruding. Senior Hwang seemed unsure what expression to make. I hadn’t come to trouble him. I awkwardly swept back my hair. After a moment of thought, he stood up and abruptly handed me a book.bb63ebcd15112d88

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“Talk of the devil. Take this.”9ca36910678e3f5e

I looked back and c9d4fdc533 forth between Senior Hwang bffab05470 and the book he 9225aa236e was offering, my face 24bf293101 questioning.a7e73d613102bc48

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“There’s this children’s book that blew up in the States recently, right? We bought the rights. We’re planning a massive advertising campaign, from broadcasting to printing, subways to streets, so give it a read. We were looking for a translator anyway.”93a94a93cdb52efd

It was a sudden proposal I hadn’t expected at all. I shook my head.799c97afc7a879c9

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“No, I haven’t done anything this big yet.”cab59187f5c1376c

“I didn’t say I was going to entrust it to you.”e193964304e81442

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“…”30cc50e22ef2cff7

“It’s not the main translation, it’s a sub-project. And we’re a small company here, so I can’t pay much. But I’ll try my best.”d6d1dea2d7b95b63

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“…”5c1cffae07e6f5ed

“Why, are you too moved?”aa256f9b2667c35b

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I couldn’t bring myself to speak. I gripped the innocent mug as if it would break. I looked down at the brown liquid swaying with each clench of my hand, and finally opened my mouth.c2cd0539b8468b06

“Forget the money, instead…”29798a74b24816f1

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“Instead? Instead, what? Huh? What?”b1913685128de90a

The impatient Senior Hwang 1a7917a12f leaned forward, pressing me.10db885eac00b2d4

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“I need a place to live.”eff489dcfb9d7c08

“What?”ce15141184887ea3

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He frowned slightly, tilting his head as if he hadn’t heard me properly.74877501f7f2712e

“A house.”afc209d2fdbfeaed

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“Are you asking for an apartment right now? Look at this guy’s nerve.”a6f969121d89f7c9

“Not an apartment, just a place. I’m not asking for it, I’m asking to borrow it.”1ebe4ac1772c39a4

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“Where are you staying now? And where’s your mother?”f42cfbcadf213078

“A friend’s house is empty, so I’m staying there for a bit. My mother is… elsewhere.”49ed5111e74bc74a

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“Suddenly asking me to find you a place, what’s that supposed to mean? You came to Korea without finding a place to live? Is there something wrong?”b9221e2551309a58

Senior Hwang, finally realizing the seriousness of the situation, asked with a darkened face. I couldn’t answer his questions, nor could I handle them. I put the half-drunk coffee on the table and stood up. I also left the children’s book Senior Hwang had given me on the table.8a4e169943ca818e

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“I’ll be going.”b2f57542b7502c7f

“I need to know what’s going on to find you a house or sell one. What’s wrong?”3c57fd416d2b63fd

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“It’s nothing.”edb5e244c905e439

“Nothing? A guy who claims it’s nothing comes looking for me first thing in the morning with a face like he’s about to die, asking me to find him a house?”88808d8b500a069d

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“Give the translation to someone else. I don’t think I can do it.”930bbaba7cf706cc

“What’s wrong with you? You need to tell me what’s going on so I can help.”97f42e3748c6ff7e

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“I don’t need it.”308c5ae384949b88

“Yoon Junghyun.”0ef05db98ce3642c

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“…I’m sorry. I’ll be going.”dd118b82d94cb118

As I turned, Senior 61a0e1140d Hwang slammed his mug bc079690c7 on the desk and feccfab5ff stood up. The bang sounded like 5a8d776b1b a threat to stay b475895ff5 put. I stopped, 1f8b26b557 my hand ec53efef68 on the 2f41460474 doorknob.a2e37eafc73d7323

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“Take the book.”7cf3dde3bb00fe71

“…”de093f199feec75f

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“I’ll look for a place for you, and if I can’t find one, you can come to my house. I have a spare room.”72ff6e594cb5d195

Senior Hwang had been married for only about a year. Even if there were more rooms in his apartment, I didn’t want to go in. Only after thinking about that did I realize.69d6d976fc3d22d7

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Hwang Minho and I had met briefly while studying in the United States and shared a few drinks on the weekends. We weren’t actually close enough to be having this kind of conversation. It felt like my mind had gone haywire.f100c9b627bf2537

“…”b18e14e1b4c7ecd7

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“Take the book.”351fca43e31cff20

I turned around and picked up the book I had placed on the table with the mug. Senior Hwang’s frighteningly hardened expression finally loosened a little. But he was still serious. I bowed my head and tried to open the door silently. Senior Hwang urgently grabbed me.75200440f91bb0ff

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“We haven’t seen each other in years, and you’re just going to leave like that? You don’t have plans for dinner, do you? It’s been a while, let’s have a drink.”66e042f4974baa94

It was a metaphorical expression of his determination to find out what was going on. I didn’t dislike the intention of getting me drunk and making me spill the beans in that atmosphere. He was a kind person. The problem was that there were things I couldn’t tell even him. I refused without looking at him.6a5a5ba68723a135

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“I have plans.”e1c7f6b85da6dd39

“…”bfef860feb37cce5

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“I really do.”942ffde150a1c492

He and I both knew that I didn’t have any plans, but I added it euphemistically. He sighed.0e0d9a7c5212e07c

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“Alright. I’ll let you go for now, but not next time. If you came to rely on me, then put on a thick face and rely on me until the end. I’m capable enough.”d9d9d2c94179d3bf

I turned my adc645cb5e head to look 4765019884 at him. He had e8a090e4f8 the eyes b6cfb28b91 of an c39c50dc4a older brother dcb82e8c64 looking at 61fb42866f his youngest 6f78995747 sibling who 530ef996f7 had been f295270785 put out 22831a19e1 by the f887add339 water.07b8d950f5ec24b4

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“It’s not like that. I’ll be going.”4660522c4401e8ed

“Call me.”b2b04396402f395b

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“Yes.”f97d27e1fc18d85d

I took the book and left Senior Hwang’s company. I wasn’t in my right mind, wondering what I was thinking when I made the appointment with him, what I was thinking when I went to his company. Half out of it, I walked to the subway station. The sharp, cutting wind had subsided a little. I couldn’t feel the cold at all. My thoughts weren’t going the way I wanted them to.161853b1c26979cd

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***0147385bcbc97cbe

Even though I 81f2035ea8 was wearing a f83a34addc thick military jacket, fdd7a97927 the sharp wind a437c5b04f hit my cheeks 7fbc6ee577 and roughly penetrated 15c98c5ec9 my side. I crossed 930a08bde7 my arms 8845e65601 against the 6168c355eb penetrating cold. I pushed my d55cc738c2 hands into my 2e4375c8af side to try 9bdd78b857 to retain some 192858e692 warmth.8b74999dbad77989

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There was a time when I couldn’t afford to live with my mother, so I came here alone to attend middle school in Korea. The unrenovated Gimpo Airport was very old even in my young memory. My maternal grandfather and grandmother were standing in the arrival hall with a large sign with my name on it. People I had seen once when I was a child, whom I didn’t even remember, and whom I had only seen in pictures since then, people I had only awkwardly exchanged greetings with over the phone. As a young child, I ran and hugged them as soon as I found them in the arrival hall lobby, people I could only consider as the first people I knew. It was the first time I felt a sense of relief in Korea, where I was surrounded by people who spoke a familiar language and had familiar faces, after being alone in a strange place with fear and isolation. Seoul had always remained that way for me. The only people I knew that I found in a strange airport. But not now. It was unfamiliar. Terribly unfamiliar.66030f8dfce2af6c

Today was ded4fad02b Friday evening. The eve 1c7e0ffa09 of the b6338730e4 weekend was 05cf4c4be1 the same b7f5f3e237 all over afe74c49fd the world. It was 8719d4395d a time a5d075d5d0 when traffic 363aaee534 was congested 3763e0f5eb everywhere. The subway f91ce7ed6b was crowded b3126fffea with people 2ae62e1850 leaving work. I stared blankly b775450d25 at the route 792372a834 map, wondering where 786d67ed9a to go and 3bbd3cdd49 which train to 3b4ff81f77 take. Then, the name of 412abfb5a1 one place caught my 0e93564353 eye.7fe816679bded319

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“…”962529df488cfb2b

I got on the 2a838681f0 subway that was arriving e8e7062d9f just then. I was 742654c0ef giving off 62d101b5b9 the gaze 5a6b63613b of a d7c1ed3592 tourist looking ec72b351f6 around the ce2e7925d2 subway as 5d3de0b45a if traveling 831ce3ac89 in a a09ef9bfb6 foreign country. There were hardly 89c23f3930 any people reading 59386448e6 newspapers or books a07b4bdf05 on the subway. Most of them were ecbdae7d88 holding cell phones, slightly bfcc19840b larger than their palms. Some people within f60aa3dfd0 my sight seemed 20bc6b1364 to be watching 47378203ff the same TV b2815ff28b program. The shoulders of 542d18fcd7 those wearing earphones 933d7d2f09 shook intermittently at 77b57d575d the same time, 853673f586 and I could aec3427a99 hear chuckling sounds.ef3ee426d14db777

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Was it because it was Friday? There was no sharp tension or weariness of having to live another day on people’s faces. Everything was languid. Unlike those whose tension and rigidity had eased, I leaned against the opposite exit as if being chased by someone. I twisted my head to avoid the smell of other people’s bodies.ec582b2676a88152

After a few 38ef29539d stops, I got 155b5db0ff off and transferred 2083359b05 to another subway d64f77be7d line. It took 844de70b23 exactly an 514f34ccd4 hour after 732f074b05 getting on 8b40155dab the subway a717a11aac to find f9792f1f29 the way 16978c0826 to Tracks 36b6ff3b34 in Itaewon, adbfc9f8fa asking for c6b2b2e970 directions.7ef53af6eada87e3

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Tracks, which was bb9eb3f791 sometimes used as 778f279c1a a performance venue, ccc26c6c8a was on the f9b716cffc third basement floor d65ef99c34 of a seven-story 270579dbe6 building. It was the 55d1c940ec first place I 71adbce5d8 had ever looked 1fa4e74138 for after hearing ebfd05d580 that there were 8becd14c28 gay clubs in 8cd1f6d8ab Korea. I had only f2c8af2cbe seen it in 4013a449a3 pictures and texts, 258ad5b651 but it felt cd206fbbf7 strange to stand e41d5e4f44 in front of 26834e9db3 it in person. I stepped down 6e247482e4 the spiraling stairs, 00e74e6532 opened the glass d56ee8e30b door, and went aef2d76662 inside.bbe709a5fee7ac16

It was a little after eight o’clock, so there weren’t many customers. There were salarymen with women at one table, and most of the tables were empty. It wasn’t a place to dance and have fun. It was a little different from what I had expected, but I didn’t want to repeat the journey I had wandered for an hour to get here, so I had no other choice.bf2826cede454c66

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I wanted to forget everything, or rather, I wanted to evaporate my consciousness in the heat and madness where I couldn’t think of anything. My original purpose in coming here was to mix in with a dissolute crowd, shake my body, and let myself go. Things were going differently than planned, but I couldn’t make a different choice after coming all the way here. I walked inside, where the soft jazz melody and the low notes of the contrabass pleasantly wrapped around my body.f1faa56b83b99dcf

I sat on a stool and ordered a beer. I took off my jacket and put it down next to me, and drank the beer. When it was past ten o’clock, past eleven o’clock, and past twelve o’clock, people like me would fill this place one by one, waiting for someone to stick close to them and talk to them, making their pupils shine.cd2c14656215da80

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Before I knew it, four bottles of beer were placed in front of me. Three of them were empty. I rolled up my sleeves and checked the watch on my wrist. The hall was filling up faster than I thought. The population density had increased even before ten o’clock. Surprisingly, the proportion of women was high. It was a place where having a good gender ratio was of no help. There was a bit of a pathetic aspect to a city dweller with no one to meet burying themselves in the crowd and sipping alcohol alone, but I was able to escape the pressure of reality that was tightening around me. But I knew best that the effect would only last an hour or two at most.f2beb0fcf3bfcc90

What my mother always chose to forget reality was alcohol. I watched the fact that its effect was too short from the closest distance. So she drank again when the effect was about to disappear. She was always drunk. A reality that she and I couldn’t bear without being drunk was our lives. And I always vowed to myself, watching my mother, that I would not live that way.c1673d59071116f4

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I had to get up before I got drunk. I put the bottled beer to my mouth and drank it, thinking of finishing the beer I was drinking now and getting up. I couldn’t taste anything, as if I was forcibly stuffing the leftovers into my already full stomach. I looked around the hall and made eye contact with someone. It was a gaze that had been watching me for a long time, waiting for our eyes to meet. I stared at him and nonchalantly turned my gaze away.9bb785f30bfa629e

At first, I thought it was my stepfather playing a lewd prank. It was the day I invited him, the grateful man who had liquidated my mother’s debt without any conditions, to dinner. A public shower room where hot water flowed for five minutes if you put in fifty cents, a smelly bathroom where teenagers secretly sneaked in and were madly engrossed in sex, a trailer village where poor people gathered on unmanaged grass.2506e6ec6328b3cf

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My mother, who was ashamed of living in the Caravan Park rather than enjoying a vacation, was in a frenzy, putting up and taking down curtains to somehow make the space, which was already bustling even if only one person moved busily, look wider. But, contrary to my mother’s concerns, he didn’t seem too surprised that people could live in a cramped cabin.8ddd8ed50e3eb7cb

My mother emptied about three bottles of expensive Bordeaux wine, and I was also quite drunk from the alcohol the man offered. I was ashamed of my mother’s appearance as she drank to the point of not being able to control her body. Before her drinking got worse, I forcibly took her, who was saying she didn’t want to, to the bedroom and laid her down, and then I supported the man, whose face was also flushed with drunkenness, to take him to his car.cb61774b77755711

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I thought the man’s action of putting his lips to my earlobe and sucking it slightly was a mistake. I thought he might be playing a prank because he knew my tendencies. It was because my mother had been talking loosely about me at the narrow dinner table, where it was difficult for even three people to sit, holding a half-torn rib in one hand and stirring it constantly.20d4c69480fdf4c7