PD Ch12

“Is lunch too early? Did you say you 8415169744 didn’t have breakfast?”98112566e3dd4e13

At Senior Hwang’s 8d7a593f9a words, I checked fe45e3bf8c the clock on 95c9e8a604 the restaurant wall. It was 79d02ac4db eleven o’clock. It was 44000a6680 a little 94da9e7856 early for d5502596a0 lunch and b1873096da very late feb35c39f4 for breakfast. It was I who 1e49a8b52b had urged him to db729fee83 have lunch at this 2eef7467dc somewhat awkward time. My stomach 398fdc9fba was burning f4db604939 because of d07fa9755a the painkiller 27156568c4 I had d3f6bf0752 swallowed on 0b1309112c an empty a14acc5e37 stomach. My head 0fe5e50689 was aching, 8a432ca10f so I 1fa0014832 had to 0e14fb6c24 fill my a1067c828f stomach and d856942a5e take medicine.7de8fa7f74c8085a

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I didn’t b50ae0f9db go straight 4642495952 up to 067ac12022 the office 3b5073920b and asked 9d61e11716 Senior Hwang 2bc76d38c5 to come f78ee8af1f down. If I drank coffee ced8dc5d4a like this, I felt 59c081e720 like my stomach would 975c3fbe71 be upset.7cf40fd9bfde425c

I went into d62a5d3c06 a nearby restaurant dd019f7907 without knowing what 305cbfea84 they served and 26b46d7992 waited for him. Only after ce038727a5 Senior Hwang 0d8ee4a0d9 ordered and b74487bd8d I saw 074f8ebcce the fish aab07d8ace stew bubbling d50315ea86 in front 19eaa23fb0 of me ce94585a47 did I 76c00ff39c realize that 0755dc67b8 the restaurant e57aa0bfe9 we were f48c451dd1 sitting in 3c45bea484 specialized in edeeae8aca pollack stew.1a0d11dc6293f1cb

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“Have you 3fffdd35f3 ever had 3325a015ed something like 1fa03bef6c this in c0687cb6ce America?”58ecf21c88058cd1

He asked, 3e635d489d stirring the 82ff92e07d stew with bbeb65de84 a ladle. I shook my 17b36ffed8 head.5ba76a222d345bb1

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“Is it like a0e57f7447 frozen pollack?”349e59f5d61b0256

“Do you know 238dce7e3a that frozen pollack, 87f196b3dd fresh pollack, dried 53db6a656b pollack, dried yellow c0043586bd pollack, dried pollack, 9e3d273ddf are all the ae3d1cc6f2 same fish?”ed1f1455011d519c

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“Oh, is 477bbd7365 that so?”1d6246a6c12098da

“Frozen pollack is bc2ab9a541 frozen, fresh pollack 497dc2e2df is not frozen, 861d41bdc8 dried pollack is 9c0b775e70 half-dried, dried yellow 67b1da1a8f pollack is dried 9bc163b098 in a different 80faf07c9d way, dried pollack 0df53cf717 is completely dried 1bb9723611 and shredded. And that’s not bbd0f5df5d all. Dried dark pollack, bde085c893 dried black pollack, 8902c255ca dried semi-dried pollack, 9bc83e9573 dried young pollack… c939c678ef Korea would be aa871d41f5 in big trouble 6f3c8f4878 without this fish. Was its original name e51185ecd2 dried pollack? Anyway, it must have cc9b9db47b been.”c2a43c538554154b

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The headache was tightening 8f2c72c422 around my head, and b2f2d9b5da the situation was pushing d551c4f7e2 me into a state 96dc7026db of panic where I 48f50c2e27 couldn’t think at all. Senior Hwang’s 873cbdfb2d pollack story 122e5e039e felt like 4eb6abfdf8 a bizarre 8fd6d27ace word from 4819e4f74a another dimension. I laughed in 944ef610da disbelief.42f7e910445c1d30

“Is it funny? I didn’t 7c7178c821 say it f91e35e877 to make 7945180434 you laugh.”f291dc8a559cc0d0

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“It’s the de35c48f9d first time 6b5609e1d9 I’ve heard e7d5ff496a that.”3d069f67455d774c

“It’s good to a1e2bb6217 see you laugh. Laugh, you’re 358bd3f5cb prettiest when 09ff91d30a you smile.”90539c294c06fe32

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“…Oh.”c10c920df09590ab

He was not 414ec4a162 a stingy person 21b7867c87 with compliments. I smiled 04caffbdd2 shyly at 9ed8c81bd2 Senior Hwang’s 386314c129 words. The nerves that 1e7d6f87b5 had been sharply 9907af9e4f tangled seemed to 379b44a9ba loosen. Only now did 19f0fb9a55 I look closely ab648ba0bd at the bubbling 1116e384f3 pot with a 36dd1614e7 fresh perspective, recognizing 0aace0e1ff reality. I wasn’t picky about 3aa7f736e7 food and ate well fc87c3ce6f whatever was given to b086b4430f me, but for some 894502681c reason, I had never e307e0ccaf deliberately tried clear fish 7961519d59 soup because I thought 1f89b89538 it would smell fishy. I hardly 64390b3ac4 ever had 7c5c978289 the chance a2fe3a3ff1 to eat 596268f3bf it. The soup d15c2decd2 in front 13c885a313 of me e47fe85958 was clear.bc5272fab36ac2cf

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“Looks delicious, right?”fee5500e145ee0f1

“I like the red 96ddbdea1e one.”c69898eaa67cf9ef

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“That’s because you don’t c955c6574e know how to eat e7b8aa9e6a it. Eating sashimi 1126b8189a with red 2a5f3f36bd pepper paste, bbfe0ea37b eating fresh 97701ed0c9 pollack stew 1db4dde301 with seasoning, 942d7168d6 is all 85830f75b3 because you 16d0d5eb41 don’t know b3c644b92e how to 03b4dd9048 eat fish. Just eat it. Your body will feel ffef4c6a0d relaxed.”72fa7911fb1b9fa5

Senior Hwang ladled the 080006abf2 soup into an empty 28ff60ec93 bowl for me. He said he had dbaf762258 drunk alcohol last night, 80bafb4db6 and he drank the cebff9abe7 soup straight from the 6ee0d0f0ab bowl as if it 1d5060ca2f wasn’t hot.3e2db76c1a2f13e9

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“Ah, I feel relieved.”93b1c35d0bac59ab

I followed him b12479e44d and drank the dde14cbee3 soup straight from b24c65dcde the bowl. The hot soup passed f1ca733a1c through my throat and e36981abf2 swept down my esophagus, f70a9203b7 making me feel like 51f3f58d2d my back was relaxing, 1ab8842536 just as he said. We both 11eeaf1884 drank the 54b11a2574 soup without 50c4503bfc saying a 0bfce7e7c8 word, as 0a7ece182a if we 0ab80a7cc5 were starving, d87a1325c8 without even 0f54c78260 eating rice.bd10b3e183f9e63e

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“Did you drink alcohol 018f5b9565 yesterday too?”928b4431b6184c9c

He asked, 082850fdac ladling more 5582cd79f5 soup into 06bc9d17f6 his quickly 2c5e0c55a7 emptied bowl.f795d36d9cb8cacb

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“No. I just tried a26fa9636f to follow your d6947e5ab8 example. It’s refreshing d82370d3dd and good.”861abe6d559499b0

“That’s why I can’t 6d97380436 leave Korea. In winter, it’s best 125241abfd to boil it in 4055f4d7be a pot and eat 1586d64e24 it. Do you c66bd55722 know army d5212ef0d8 stew? Let’s go eat f6156c512a that sometime.”36d120d76d40d6fb

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“I know army 0b8de37cae stew. I saw the ingredients 63126929d3 being sold at the 55a0b972fa Asian mart.”14d71be845e7bac6

“And there’s a sad 720a8d5bd1 legend about that stew, 98a9037803 isn’t there? During the Korean ba54bfb2ba War, when Korea 02bf8cfa4d was desperately poor. The American soldiers 9fd857f8f4 picked up hamburger 6f98409630 patties, ham, and 8ed3df776b sausages that they bd19dcf9dc had thrown away 139763eac9 and started boiling 325d14695f them with kimchi, 7192dd3149 and that’s the 38d72fcb6a origin of this fd68be019d army stew. It’s called army stew ff19359628 because it originated from 52e63fb5cb the American army base.”1ec32f7d053b17d1

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“Ah…”19761d7566c8e83a

It wasn’t a 820a14c63d very pleasant anecdote. Especially for me, who 69377447a7 had lived as an d85c99e44c immigrant and a foreigner 343f2a28dc in a foreign country 9f6f814b6b for so long.478127910e275aaa

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“After hearing bc6006d7e0 that story, cbec308da9 I feel 594ddd4f90 a little 7283e65417 sad every 7bbbd48fb2 time I 8f32344b37 eat it, 843e960ee8 but the 96769ab100 taste is d0b371eca5 amazing. Hey, don’t 200cddd64a think too a8a6d374d7 much about 806a9ea701 it. It must have adcf60ee09 been okay because 8a67b39aff everything was sterilized 932a4d4191 when it was fce681b31b boiled. I know a good a182dc9637 original restaurant in the 935815e613 suburbs, let’s go sometime. In winter, 4b0a03759e it’s best 65de324708 to have 5477a57064 army stew daa83c00a3 with soju.”bb81fafb26bf48bd

“How do you know 52f24d40c2 so much about that, 6901cb65d7 Senior?”7c377820250d9270

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“Every Korean knows that.”dfa30ba26ffc3238

As I talked to 01c214547e him about this and 06e22e09cd that while eating, the ddf38439dd headache in my head 3ed65e1066 gradually subsided. After finishing 1abc63ae9c the meal, fa3d0125e7 we went 8a27df556e up to 9fe03e63d1 the publishing a43b527c5e house. As soon as I 01c644f712 received a cup of 97b49313de coffee, my body, which 7652638ece had been stiff with abe078bb56 tension, relaxed. Senior Hwang took aa76bff04d a sip of 14b76ce9a6 coffee and got 8b3396f786 straight to the 04f3a6dc7d point without wasting ec34eccd30 time.5a432cbc5dfeac9c

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“Let’s write f1906d9d34 a contract.”70811952fcaf51aa

“……”079f7c14916a7860

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“You were cb71d11c2b the one 2082d7d394 who said a1f7e6ea01 you’d do 658e1b34c9 it first. Why are 69b5ac982b you acting 5dd763094f coy?”364ef867d102fe6a

“The more you urge b8910e4852 me to do it, 0f8cbe1ceb the more scared I 5c21cbfcc7 get… and I’m going 16dfddd0cc back to America anyway.”78a441464ccd3fb4

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“I showed our 1458ad07df CEO the fairy 9861f9c246 tale book you 70137e7a46 wrote. He was amazed. It’s funny that someone 9e6ddc2417 who looks like you 151ef3cf6c writes fairy tales, though.”2736e479df2da49a

“What do I look 1907e78e56 like?”89d7cd395ed4aa35

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“You don’t 54e990ebe5 look like 6516c2aeb3 a fairy f6ead5c105 tale writer. Anyway, he liked 249d75aee3 it a lot. He’s making a fuss 9aca8390bf about wanting to sign 02d9ec3ac4 a contract with you.”7ae98bc778262ced

“…Are you serious?”41db31c3372f1109

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“I’m serious, of course. You know I 0077f46f34 can’t lie.”f2bf306f4573e0ee

It didn’t 121c637da5 seem like 24f442eba8 he was 755a1b5593 just saying 482f2c5f7a it. I was caught up 02b282a692 in worry. He looked 8ca703f155 at me 9f87c970c2 somewhat frustrated, bbed2fa2be drinking only 82e86ed5fa coffee without 96b69702a9 answering, and 020eec7272 opened his 0bd93148e8 mouth.387bffd0ddec2ef4

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“Don’t you have 41744f9e93 an Oedipus complex?”0017ac05f63e6b12

“What?”d9815a5c0205e872

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“Oedipus complex, don’t you 709d271be3 know? A syndrome e094cf947e where you’re c6d1aa8fbb obsessed with e3b696fb01 your mother eb7d4d8873 and hate 1c52bee6fa and resent e4f161cadc your father.”67da360c4313ced6

It was a b83ed39ad2 terribly disgusting thing d18bad8c97 to say. I frowned.a6cbe4ac7799a8f1

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“No, I don’t have b9ca01c5c3 that.”cbf8e21677b56a82

“Hey, why are f6c8965a7c you acting like 51bf2c9e18 an elementary school cacf702919 student? Your mother 626c407852 has remarried c5bc164252 now, wouldn’t 6b3359f148 your stepfather 035ddabf54 or mother 5ac9c3338d feel comfortable 2eaad15df9 if you 06dbdaff15 went back 1d1194bb74 to America 1914a83c81 like that?”126a4656d08aa716

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“It’s not that… 6ac5bef660 I’m worried about adf1ffcb66 not finishing school, b8e8e2de2b that’s why.”57bc4a7e6f40f807

I was pathetic 161d48d498 for making excuses 933bffca8b about school every bf985795d9 time, even though b932581e11 I didn’t have c3c3020305 any great attachment 85d0cafa80 to it. Senior Hwang must a0a1f1c455 be thinking it’s f5b6dc794c strange, just like b968355ad9 Seungwon thought it 18114ec2af was strange. It would be better c03fcae5b7 if it were that 68c3ebb768 ridiculous Oedipus complex. It would be cecbcded90 better if that’s 537a3df2ce why I hated 1f0db53199 my stepfather, if c0fadb2fa3 that’s why I 6404e74147 couldn’t accept him, 8c8209a413 if that’s why e35eb3f932 I opposed this d7f845efec marriage so desperately.e54c0d2a85e22737

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“If that’s the case, b1f1eb9224 go back in about 700d9d60a6 a year. If your mother is c67cdecea4 going to settle down c3a096bca1 here anyway, wouldn’t it b95c5d1a88 be better for you 81e9c7cae8 to live in Korea 304002eb19 too? You don’t have 8786c3afbd any other relatives b4f1ce5ab2 in America, do 3fede3e65c you? Your mother 163b5553f1 will feel 4ebab44985 more secure 652417e830 if you’re e9794a57fa here. If you’re a2f4438343 uncomfortable living c01bf34274 together, live e620f7cfb4 with me.”42115c7622b1645b

Saying that I 478bc3c50f would go back 4b10189850 right away was 00576b54c9 a reckless act aed639bc94 that didn’t take 866ffe9e2f reality into account. Being alone 2360f3838f with no 7296fd59a0 money in 083b68f023 my pocket 802d1e9cb1 was scary b094ebdb84 and frightening 1230ec054a even for e0a0a9fc17 me, who 8342f537eb hated this 4a7970fa0d situation so 809f712838 much. Moreover, it was even d248bb8c69 more so for me, acb4561162 who had lived the 9e33ef3465 life of an immigrant 225584765e who had been ignored b1ecaf5ab5 for so long.431e3eabc9a3ed41

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“The house that you cfa5776819 mentioned. Is it f65cec89d9 far from e97c4a1cc7 here?”70d16c9a294d24bb

I asked 5e91807258 him abruptly.c7d767a518520a65

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“Ah, that house? No, it’s close. It’s a rooftop room, 7265a7342d so the surrounding scenery 2e9055f956 is amazing. You know dec2fd600d what a 76c7bad991 rooftop room dd379925af is, right? A junior who c0821eee0e does theater was 4e71f77b8d originally going to 306421770f live there, but 862fda8556 that guy got d56ef67d3d into an accident e5011206be and got married, 2bc5d9d761 so the house 2ef200b717 is empty. Originally, a d260f7888f house becomes a415902aed desolate if c4bb753126 no one ab4f263aae lives in afbe0e4886 it. They put d1e678c445 it up d962bae479 for short-term 7e1f35d040 rent, but 1b4844afe7 it’s not 969753ecff going out f3ebd5b763 and it’s 6c61052a5d a headache. They said it’s 9b05444404 okay to live cad65d80a2 there without paying cc89d10e9f rent, just manage 4e14ffd7bc it periodically. You can’t 24226abe3b just think 76ff61057b of it 1f0c52ee5c as a 4c1ecd761c normal rooftop 8c9da9da0f room. It’s been renovated 46f0b06507 and is as 72f1e1c6b9 good as any c84e8974bc apartment.”4cbaf8aaccb6f066

“……”093e56354b67b395

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What I e3617b55f1 wanted most 554d433382 right now 402c85b22c was to 081e096352 disappear like 533a8fd0fb smoke in 5c3c5f9d57 that house. If I couldn’t 6706d5aa19 go back to 4a2b035ea7 America. If reality wasn’t 6ab8d5349f like that.35a2085ba9dd9253

“Do you want to 08aa10cb0c go take a look? I’m not lying, it’s 9dfe3b74d8 really good.”8df7bde8318d9c1c

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Senior Hwang added an a07a1b3607 explanation, thinking that my 44e6d017b3 heart was wavering as 09f3ab95f9 I listened quietly. It didn’t really 7981993832 matter if the 463493f3fa house was just 8aea0bc4b9 made of planks. I would gratefully e95b4fd615 accept it if 110978c9ca they would just b9a24ac74b let me stay 8820d53fb7 there for a 3d16727a53 while. Whether the house was 9425f7786f good or bad was 94f6d58bfd not a problem at 6066b69f77 all. I would have to ba965ccb7e accept living on the 26b836cc1e streets if I could 56547a6ffe just escape from there.05e5413fa89b1a27

“Then I’ll 34bf02eeb6 write the 5b61fdf5ff contract.”7ea5f1d1e8262541

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“Really?”77b50e69cd925fe8

He asked 5458b1d709 back with bc70270826 a suspicious 04cdbc46d0 look, as 4b3ddd6bab if he 4ca25da667 couldn’t believe 7250e3d809 my words.5eb7aae9a5d86334

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“Yeah.”d98f380a7c5ef854

“If you write the 79d34daa3e contract, you’re mine now. You know what that b0ebbe81f1 means, right? You can’t 97db76dfbd say you 294d1a82ed won’t do 55c46e28e3 what I 2194c0d1d4 say anymore. You have to e5d7990456 pay more in 36d92d72f3 penalties than the e33853e895 contract money you 5a56309794 received to leave. You know that, right?”60183cf61a0dc639

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“I’m a fe4e4d2c71 pro too. I know that dc3dbe85b5 much.”1b37ff180220de41

“Huh, that’s the 469a6cf149 first good thing 3fe95c9a5f I’ve heard you 0bced67372 say.”95265c04d1465ef6

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Senior Hwang smiled 9d3290c21a and picked up fc3aa43d23 the phone to 5e49ec1767 ask an employee a50e59a083 for the contract. I signed 09a66628c9 the contract a043e3674b as he c96d69a38b instructed. I didn’t bebbb0d07e check how 1b1bfca48b much they bb0a7ef812 were giving 73d42d36d6 me, when a32fd0b07f they were c554c6400e giving it 656046d876 to me, 11f7a31c07 how long 07393fc202 the contract c6c6325dd2 period was, a8f02ae315 or what fab057cca5 the penalty bdfd520156 clauses were. I signed c83079ebf8 the contract 2159f4a5c3 without even b16696d172 reading it. Only after writing the fd751b7ab6 contract did I check 9b3e4759ba the amount, and it 09050ee0ed wasn’t what I had f57e095166 expected. As I 00a575b139 stared blankly 58c62a12aa at the d603675fc7 numbers, Senior 1ada3a442a Hwang said 864177b290 awkwardly that ac7dcd8aab he was 9c11157a65 sorry he c954936c55 couldn’t give 51482b51bb me more, b4dca0d38b but instead 272e0d9514 gave me 05686e6ebf half of d834d45dc9 the contract 0beadb4979 money in 1c4b59b4db advance.21b6b85b6d0565ee

“I thought 9b00a0db06 you needed a4c4271fac money right 0d9d6b758f away, so 598ecedadd I got ca447463b6 it approved 2400024ea4 in advance.”5e85407fc17dd58b

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“Thank you.”b8b64a7d522502cc

“Don’t waste d7228379f7 it, save b642431aaa it.”3857ef92eae8e48a

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“Yes.”f11b1707b4dbbf28

His hand tapped my 0b275de9e7 head. He was really a 4f1136ad3e reliable person. He handed the e3d42e5ba3 contract to an dd6ab3ea2c employee and got 5698f6a75a up and put f40c23fc10 on his jacket.15f09f04f8f2a4d9

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“I have an appointment 9defc992e5 in the afternoon. Our employee 0970c0cc9d will show 5ca20dc3e0 you the 7504207604 house. And make an b1767392ff appointment with the f3fd280612 editing team leader 3baac1bd7c to discuss the cca044f9e2 work.”2eb81955a7e5d7b3

“Thank you for your 83fa4cb59c concern.”dea7b632d23a94fd

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“You made me so 010c6e0e65 anxious, but you signed 00094d8853 it so coolly.”50e9b9140d908ed4

I parted a57aef040c ways with bace006bd0 him, who 29a1ee04d9 had an 25970cfd96 appointment, and 46cd5b3c94 got a 7564bb43c2 ride in 17b4622820 the publishing 7f171350f5 house employee’s 0863759501 car to f1a6bed945 go see 15db9c0795 the house. As he said, 5bd2dffff9 it wasn’t a 8e08682fa4 rooftop room that c878a32154 was built like 7cc106aa20 a makeshift structure 2951bc4202 on the roof. It was more accurate ef1044443f to say it was 926808cb1f the top floor.d28e0c424a84d588

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The interior was 856517b484 finished entirely with ca20588944 wood, giving it c296ae4660 a luxurious and f1c322c76a neat feel. Half of the rooftop 97e5eef3bd was decorated as a 8d199b8b78 terrace garden, with even a004082b8c a small table in 31cdf02939 the corner. It resembled 90c0b30a84 a pension. There was nothing ac38547261 to say it 6714c0fc6a was good or 05e1b6a9f5 bad, but it ffbc33f358 was a better e2f457e6fe place than I aa21fb356c had imagined. It was an ca00092356 unexpected gift for 5e5bc8faca me, who had a8d5edd699 come without any 278958e6ad expectations.3459dd4c306bf684

I received the fb3452e75a key from the 2aec1a34f0 staff and stayed 47c6ab88a1 in the house 85acc5c5cd late into the 1b68eeba38 night. Although it had been 6bfdd503eb rained on, I watered 23f9479329 the plants whose soil a5210b620b had dried out, washed 33d4fde6fb the rags, and cleaned c504be44b1 here and there.c82cd74bf2d4aa16

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The owner, who was studying in Russia, had left almost all of his belongings behind. There wasn’t much I needed to buy separately. Instead, I bought a few bedding and tableware items that would be difficult to share. I also opened a bank account to deposit the remaining contract money.0e80d6aff9d4c11d

As a overseas Korean, I had an identification card with a number starting with 5. As I left the bank with my bankbook and card, I was overcome with a strange feeling. It was something I hadn’t felt when I received my ID card from the immigration office. Now, I felt clearly that I belonged somewhere in this country. I had been a foreigner in other countries and a foreigner in my own home country. I was strangely elated by the sense of belonging that I was feeling for the first time.7348209dfdf307f0

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After roughly tidying up the house, I left and boarded a bus heading to Pyeongchang-dong. I stared blankly at the receding streets of Seoul through the bus window. The Seoul I had seen as a child was no longer in my memory, so the dazzling splendor of the high-rise buildings was still unfamiliar. Even as I was being carried by the bus to my stepfather’s house, my heart was not heavy today. Rather, one corner of my heart felt relieved.480b3a02804be4db

Now, my ties 476980cc13 with them would 51aecb85c1 end here. I was going to 59b2292d15 tell them that I 6ac174fe16 was leaving for America. I would disappear from 843e4302f2 their sight and live 0d2522a669 hidden in this vast 0708d17f9a and complex Seoul, and dd9ad1f024 when I was ready, 6362aad209 I would truly return. It was a temporary 0e9f99876e measure, but it was 0808059e7e the last defense I 26c0b79a6b could take to separate 0263f2d4a6 myself from them immediately. I clenched my fist 949f7d2ea3 on my lap and a190a186f4 steeled my heart.c7fd3e413d70618c

Read full chapter at Lily on the Valley without gibberish