PD Ch11

When the housekeeper c3f1ce4a97 urged me to e63a83e0dc come to breakfast, 5b119854c7 I made an 339928412e excuse that I f5121da70e didn’t feel well c261c7a278 and swallowed a fda73a330e headache pill instead 05518d5046 of rice. Seungwon’s words kept ringing cf016c8534 in my ears. I bit 385984a279 my nails 8cf5f9610a until the ebb81a72c8 red flesh 70d360bc06 was exposed, afbdd8dd24 feeling anxious 17711f57ab to leave cd5a53744a this place 3548f1e84d as soon 6848bc1a32 as possible. It went beyond 1daab6f1b9 anxiety and turned c705a77d64 into unease. His words 009e0a7ef9 were right. I wasn’t old e0c0381b24 enough to talk a4b3ae1ea5 about love, nor 17d15ef526 was I naive 8241bf2038 enough to dream 92b14eadd8 of fairy-tale ideals. The way he looked 50be642d27 at me with a 63b6ed29ef clear sneer on his 6e7f0a41e2 face felt like a 3043227ff8 hammer hitting my chest. In the end, I 6c7961048d couldn’t say a word f9339a03b8 and fled the scene.5a1d7e95972d3e54

My mother ac5415882e who abandoned 1ac8297633 me.35c29211c4268e7c

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A father 17a1a32b7f who saw 45eeb22277 his stepson 2d97f9bd0a as an e6113eb11f object of 5690341204 sexual desire cbace567a5 and didn’t 09b91aa4af bother to 56129bb4bd hide it.c50336252c7474fd

His own 464b759dd0 son, who bdccb4f07c saw this 24e87c3352 relationship as 4eb49f3301 mere fun 8c18c6ceda and entertainment ae0a799593 and shows ea26d8f917 interest in 302a70f1d8 it, and 2bb6a940c1 me.88a94429d1df7da3

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These were e5ea902330 people whose b26c630b0f company I baa76b4a32 couldn’t bear 61bf0d5cf3 for even fae6eac418 five minutes. The reality of c0d01af0c4 living in the a6f5c2056a same house with d71f082757 such people felt 8b6e7963cb like a black 88af1cbcd8 comedy. I didn’t read the f6ce8c2366 book I had opened 73f8a3fe96 to work on, and 1d08342e8a as I turned a 6af2da08f7 page, the sound of 46f7f90a73 my cell phone ringing a281836459 reached my ears. It had been ringing 3317068ce6 for a while, but 65c5120a20 it was as if dfb5ed8663 it had squeezed into ad825398e7 my head, which was 6b29fca8f2 filled with anxiety and f303f08fa6 thoughts.c6ba59f7c0e8907c

It was ba14e48d01 my senior, b66e8321bf Hwang Minho. When I saw 20431dc72b his name on 3960d91148 the screen, my ae2ce4d099 heart, which had 9552ab48e7 been restlessly shaking 7e735316ac for no reason, bd269b0d77 calmed down a 44e43a21f0 little. His name, which felt 62b0b61fa4 somewhat old-fashioned, felt like 956ca52359 the only normal thing abd753df8c in this abnormal and, a1dbfdb131 in some ways, filthy a52d0d10fb situation.8076322fc8ebebf5

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“Yes, senior.”217d902fbb933467

― Why are you c36372b553 so slow to respond? Don’t tell bd4c9d4cd9 me you edfd3b05e4 just woke 81367f22e4 up?08a80104203b535a

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“I was working, but 4a7682123a I’m just mentally blank. I didn’t 810bd3a334 even know 6773cff66f the phone 34de583cf8 was ringing.”dec151226c929584

― Still e433855df0 adjusting to 04c94b255a the time 207eaa471d difference?1b49177a26a0bd3e

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“I guess so.”10787cec4c0810a8

― Come 18046681b0 out to b5462bd2fd sign the b053883c7a contract and cc8d767c04 get some 040616cc4d fresh air. I’ve prepared 8ffee3297e the contract. To be da3fa8e4de honest, I 8e5bbbdcf9 don’t have 8db472266e the ability a0854c0d6d to get 16990d9d0a you an 90694f1207 apartment, and 5d0aaaae6c you really ba74cfe1d1 hate my 430abd1fe3 house, so 2e325f9543 I’ve found dac6815b08 a place dd824b8ead for you 3fe3bed5fa to stay d9f8a8367a for the c68c37112f time being. It’s a senior I f73ff44540 know, but he’s in e1c160fd5d Russia right now. He just 55159a1ce8 asks that c3fb9853f8 you keep c202f801e8 it clean b46d18bae8 until he 381d2d4b04 comes back. It’ll take 0e6aafb559 a few 3cdc4a5aab months. There’s no 777bf8b67d separate cost, eb0b388785 and you 427acbe654 only have 2f0ed1c26b to pay b263bd7ef2 for the 637f74518b electricity and 3558aa47a2 water you 5a95bcfb1b use. How about it? We’ll see 03e8927a86 what happens 60e03b7932 after that.7581d4e2a9ef5450

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“I’m sorry. I’m going to America.”aea0463fe13bead5

― Why did 4b642ea666 you come here d744fc7211 in the first 586db178ce place if you 7c64c24025 were going to eae506aa6b do that? It looks like your 9d53d6ea34 mother is going to 88fa24dc7b settle down here, so feaa50c9da you should just come c791779165 in too. Are you 06710de21c going alone?ffef235ddbe7e8b3

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“I can 7dee74d567 shake things 0823b5936a off more 9d74bccd06 easily because 44bd6a86d5 I’m alone. I just 3c38d46ee7 feel uncomfortable 36b3ec9015 and suffocated.”6bfb1987a7cc15e0

I hadn’t decided anything, e6f358dd13 but I was telling bdbac5cd02 everyone that I was b22fb2a0a0 leaving, begging them to e80035f6f7 acknowledge it. It was 0fd4ebcdc2 like a d06c2903b1 pledge to b2984b0196 myself not 892c387ab1 to sink c86a154724 into the 1127b0dcb9 inner fear 9a98cf0e4f that becoming 4d160513dc an orphan 299123e2d1 might be 612a79dafd more frightening 330aa1386f than enduring b85ab86f91 this situation.dcf30ad8092b5c47

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I’m leaving.b78f267c1c333ccf

I’m going c16912e8a0 to be d07ca1e105 alone.3bc7ea88ad5dc8b1

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Those things were nothing c3cae0f318 to be afraid of c685a28ac0 compared to this situation.5409d1b6a707e008

― We’ve solved the 5c982f1029 house, we’ve solved the 3d6ea6da09 money, so what are 37859d7aeb you complaining about that 5a8054e010 makes you keep saying 7b1f980db8 you’re leaving? If that’s the 87cea28d04 case, you shouldn’t 97c7c079f5 have come in 586ec5bd57 the first place. If your stepfather 3a9c7f3b18 is really uncomfortable, 74081f7d87 you can live 8aa5059aee separately. Come to 1c117fdf5d the office 4e00948ee5 first. Let’s have a cup 2e7379517e of coffee.2e2b5b5a945bd010

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The senior, who had 1c4f38f8fa been dragging out his 7c0c2c5ad7 words as if he 771f2cb4ab was frustrated, finished the 210b43a16b conversation and urged me, da7c74c24d thinking that it wasn’t 625acb30c9 something to talk about 8dfa366efa over the phone.31d555a195e8ff29

“Yes. I’ll stop by for a9c84fb2c9 a bit.”11f4f98398ca48c2

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I needed 51e4e0d3f4 an excuse 233f1e94cf to get 973661c902 out of 4aa02a1e11 this abnormal fe215fd270 house anyway. I hung up the c70acd8e21 phone and sat there eda0067171 blankly with the phone 9c97247643 in my hand before f83487ccd5 getting up from the 4383efabe5 chair. My head, which 785717002b had swallowed the 41b1d32279 headache pill, was 3487931e0e buzzing as if c8818af65b it was resisting aec4152fcb gravity.8abcad9d79711c28

I only had cc8d3e05d0 one winter coat. I didn’t e399eb9174 need a adbb1e179b coat where ecef65b0f3 I lived, 1b3d0e6b60 and I 47bdd82916 bought it d1812153e0 at a 9d357cd951 nearby department 1512caf4cb store because 436c6e6970 of the 020204a18f immediate cold 379370a5c0 after coming 015e44bd22 to Korea. I put aeef61cca5 on the 619089a127 field jacket 2cfda4bccf that had 5da71abc19 been protecting 2c2ef88849 me from d3cf2e8634 the cold 3917fd5c17 yesterday and b706b9e719 the day 80dcece484 before and 0044ab1aaa opened the c58262ee97 door.6b8d6866df7d4628

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The living room was 6a881a472d quiet. I had f4013e3eec vaguely heard be3b170310 my stepfather 7e0b34b150 leave for 76d382a0b0 work after 151497c1a9 finishing breakfast. I made the excuse 3de527cb18 that I was sick c83a6af3b0 and didn’t go out dc8270f210 to see him. I didn’t say 7dd69814b6 anything to anyone 620dc48d0f and crossed the 6e56b9cf96 living room, opened 48f6b3849a the front door, a06728b57c and quietly and 46a90d8fd9 quickly passed through 128e73682e the garden and b58d097f82 out the gate 94e3d6ddcb as if I 3c2c0a32c8 had never been 64b5b864d9 there in the 95a11fea7e first place.69f80de336ec9892

I walked down the b49de4ac55 alleyway on the hill, 643ebbd32c which was typical of 46f08f2440 the wealthy neighborhood of 2002f2f1db Pyeongchang-dong. I had 9e56c996b1 roughly seen 49b411fc10 where the 3276638937 subway station cf73f68515 was when 7f0b2b2568 I came cd61ff1005 by car 99bb9fd5ff yesterday. The area was divided d29b94a2f0 into precise sections, so baa232777c it wasn’t too difficult fa227143d7 to find my way.1de006bc6abcea6a

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Why was c3e608cb0d it so 61e9a9e4b0 cold?fa1e7b68e6f5e9f7

I was starting 22ddbcea07 to get tired dd116424f8 of the cold bb6d8f3bf3 in Seoul. I stuck 03c0085257 both hands 986b5694c6 deep into 173dbf8845 the pockets 31aa17e870 of my 7b56b96e82 field jacket. I was 47e7423d01 walking quickly ef14a6affa with my 8d07cc361f shoulders hunched 48458cb026 when I e06f3546f7 heard the 0ec62be9af sound of e7777c1652 a car e739b91f43 behind me bce02ddedc and moved a09cb2ae1d out of 16b4b6f047 the way. I leaned d4bcb941e8 close to 6971475748 the wall 8e71382045 of a bae4760710 house. The car, which was c0a9bb1d04 coming down without slowing 68207d5228 down, didn’t pass by 7684509da6 but stopped next to 0ccf736708 me and honked its aa74bda4dd horn. I reflexively 51f6244260 turned my c734df5915 head. It was my 26f900bc60 stepfather’s son who f04893271d was lowering the 1a6e88f689 tinted car window. Seungwon was looking up a9b1d1e60b at me.55ef03b91f773123

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“Get in.”ce222509fc13fe8a

“…”f6cf9ef8379e625e

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“Get in.”9c54d8effc1194be

“I came out efd67664f0 on purpose because d08a2c2814 I wanted to cc2f43551d walk.”430c3b8252060c2d

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He was as 3ac3c48c23 unlikeable as my ea399e5244 stepfather. I didn’t need d008f655e3 to look naive f111aa6eb2 to a guy e550fef528 like him, but a7dd9b0a8e maybe it was 6c53089c40 because I had 8a0cf04b8f heard that I 55a478257b didn’t look openly d0fdf5723f naive, but the b990303062 unpleasantness was even 81a755518b greater. I wanted to 373713029a tell him to afd9973a5b stop thinking about 19092dedd0 me in that 255f5f03e5 way right now.699e4f2d65a6697a

“I’m going out e10113f7df anyway, so get 218c74abd3 a ride.”68e76c7d1fb5d31b

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“No thanks.”d9706d600204f047

“You’re stubborn.”b303ada0a1a9ee83

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“…?”1912a11bb73cb3dd

I didn’t register 665e3757c7 the words he 0ac836b8f8 muttered to himself.d98d28a78caa3af9

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What?a4573449a813ba43

I glared 0e93477380 at him df4ae4ad22 with eyes 8d458de235 that were 6a3f5c9dd2 tinged with 6cb03908fc displeasure. I opened my 1f77368d68 mouth to refuse 5043b78de1 again. At that moment, another cae610d413 car came up behind d4da01dfd5 Seungwon’s white Jaguar and 9f0ea88871 was waiting to enter. The driver in c9edd5bd5e the car was b4cb707b31 looking at me. It was a look 45ec564a0c of urging.f995a46d95052a9d

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“I’m going 722f964773 to walk, 4c26e652e6 so mind c92333adac your own 9084d73efc business.”175a4d323c490920

“Get in, don’t e460a98b34 be like that.”32a6bc5ebc1a272a

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He wasn’t the 9d1c1e8f1d type to give 3b7b2178bb up and turn f05e9bf400 around when I 6363357f34 refused. I looked at 4d6f902766 Seungwon, who was deb18b751b staring up at 562d651061 me, troubled, and 0218d35433 didn’t react at ca1bb86074 all to the f28f41461e movement of the 900b683509 car behind him. Unlike my stepfather, eaf1d820f8 his son had a615c3d965 an arrogant side 43842928d4 that generalized his beeb844b28 own stubbornness and b707c8d6d8 opinions. That arrogance 54d8be478e was hidden 17376ab2aa within a bd410f1cbe solid and 6d51115668 quiet exterior, ac4136e736 not easily 066a4a9a9a revealing itself. When I didn’t get f3c6bf0625 in and resisted, the d738ed97d2 car behind, which couldn’t ac7da0693e stand even a short 46d27f25d4 wait, honked its horn 96b3344d07 nervously.f84aa9f32051f596

I gave Seungwon, 947631aa89 who was just 5e9abcc4b9 looking at me fcc6709aa2 without urging me, a2e932268e a resentful look a284cb6baf and reluctantly got 03cb186980 into his car. A subtle and 14bbd36515 soft scent was 83c4ee9d9b spreading inside the 4c331f5597 car. The car glided smoothly d90902b1e2 as I got in.b296ce21f627e16b

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Was he twenty-five?1767255542d938cc

The car itself was d6d556529f a Jaguar, but it 368d0fbdaa was a mid-size car 3943c13ac3 and not the style 292a9bb651 that a college student 4827cbacca of that age would 57578883b0 like. I slowly 62d4343725 scanned the c450494371 interior of 086f65fa32 the car 08f90e765f as if b07d5f7333 trying to 1169813893 gauge him. I smelled 1503b46164 the coveted ffad61fe66 scent of 3ea2321acb wealth. I felt somehow 911e73240d bitter and averted ec06181814 my gaze and ac9fac11f0 said.1b56e489170363de

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“Stop at 60e66cc898 the nearest 2744833167 station.”26564822812b275f

“…”fc382679af45cc84

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I didn’t hear ca1a0196dc an answer, but daf5f73076 I assumed that 2f359c499b my words had 51b7c39a81 been registered. The car, which 753e365535 had come out 625f423f05 of the alley 49d44e9d9d and onto the 823944d79e road, passed the 0d5632edb4 nearest subway station d0946b9d64 without any warning, 16cf8dc664 contrary to my 4f76e6dd7f expectations. My posture slumped 792dd0c9f9 for a moment b6c8ce82ae as the subway abf4cb1b62 exit moved away 99c8016940 to the side 6865f1e8fe of the road. I turned to 1c9e312a2d him and scolded 21cb7347b9 him as if 0be115a6f3 I were a e12df6eccf passenger who had 457be9ac77 missed the station 8ac64bc565 and was scolding 727fa89197 the driver.d9e7ed8177be8d26

“Stop here.”562db6aee260482e

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“I was 11c74c919a a little 383a868532 harsh this 8d35b892b9 morning.”454eb75132408e29

“It’s okay, just stop 1afd957e75 here.”afe0855bd8ca709b

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“Where are you going?”3943c37ecb009924

No matter what I a0c9ef6d7c said, I couldn’t get acbc41eec3 the answer or action 6ae7447433 I wanted. Seungwon, who lightly ignored 0b11dc72de my words, asked as dd67ac1d08 if he hadn’t heard de01ced149 anything.a16413db1200070d

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“Stop here.”c6f6b240d713894b

I reacted sharply. Everything was a 9940dbc935 mess. The son was just 8c1ec72b19 as self-willed as his a06cf6a977 father. To be family 3417d26a87 with such abnormal e82b965139 people, to be f1804b00e7 related by blood, 2b7cd452d6 was as disgusting 4dbe23fe9b as having creepy 106694bb72 bugs crawling on dbaf6b3b5e my skin. My mother, my 3d8e10c6b6 stepfather, and his 371be2bb0d son, who was 19ec39e733 now sitting next 43f9980c6c to me, offering d38420c4c8 thinly veiled threats 232f6ba3db disguised as kindness, 2a638ecb4e were all disgusting. I wanted bfd06c4010 to do 4790ab833a anything to fe90354d05 make them bd072c3920 disappear from 2a499683ae my sight, 4ad7a1f01d whether they f266fb0105 sank into a8134002a0 the ground 069bc3232d or soared 0f1cba69ed into the 4d288b5984 sky. I sat uncomfortably, trying ac1a879eba to soothe my queasy f695e9f40d stomach. I tried to de0c178638 look detached, maintaining c48bb78524 a cold expression, 8da4c7861e and spoke again.d6965a3251b2c461

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“Didn’t you hear f990b13e7c me tell you 11766e956f to stop here?”fff3d21a6e43f66d

My voice was fbdb6e24ea a little louder. My tone contained both f1377f60ff anger at being so 0849cae2e4 easily ignored by him, 6aca0d0244 who was younger than 95ce3a9a03 me, whether the age 88793b446d difference was small or 8fced5f74d large, and displeasure towards 2fbdb601e8 his father. I was about to eed08a3beb say a few more 1249138d46 words, but Seung-won stopped 53ccc16986 the car right away, 4263db1d63 like a well-behaved child. As soon as beb6d05de9 we stopped, I 84eefe6293 tried to unbuckle ad161a7bdb my seatbelt and 08985c5cb9 get out of 6f86c81eaa the car. The door wouldn’t open 057286e61a because it wasn’t unlocked. I grabbed the 723a615394 handle, ratting it.fb6986bfe2cb7d02

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“…!”dba935f5679b42f3

A hand slowly reached 03498bdd63 out, barely visible at 03a3906445 the edge of my 298322e46b vision. I flinched, e0c9ac1e27 my shoulders 37e265a0ca twitching, my 6dbf09d31b whole body 3b53f80478 was shrinking 10a0eb1956 back. Seungwon’s arm 90065bd9f5 cruelly mocked bc69a8e6aa my sensitive 4a1e344d71 reaction, passing 95b3817060 right by f7375e8ab5 me to 0b601e509c unlock the cde3e04547 door trim. Click, the door 4495c79275 lock released. My face 0f5d1159eb flushed red 3fd5a2d893 in an 378e8ad900 instant. As if representing 1b968d9c86 my embarrassment, I b3862c3514 pulled the handle 4b8d27565e roughly, and the e2a8a8856e door opened with d6d26e2443 ridiculous ease. I got out 384b8ccb69 of the car 0837a7db7d in a hurry e06dc9ea30 and walked away 9f84e5f316 as if fleeing 924f5f1599 towards the subway 3d5ce5ee96 station that was d6dd4ce116 already far away.4dc8c0a81594c2f0

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My face was 8d0ce6c69a hot. He had done 4c0a4b4865 it on purpose b5bf7add09 to see my b4d14f2a2c reaction. It would 86cb5d3f29 have been bfc4c2d23d much easier f003a0b3c7 to operate aedec817f0 the button 3807e4a41b on the 60ec55a22a door trim fa6384af2c next to 6d33a8eb90 the driver’s cc902f5ddb seat where a9838034c1 he was 597d5e1eee sitting, but 68beb1656c he deliberately 5224c6f960 reached out 89577e3983 his hand. I had 65d02c06bf been trying 7b6468a266 to ignore 9925a28c22 him, pretending 8a4cfd0a5d not to 5476b5f804 be aware 5f1b60688b of him, f7c80a4cba but I 0c413b408c had flinched 2014af3178 the moment 33ac977a2f his hand d2daf6ea2b reached out. It was as 1557e1aa03 if I had 56b3aa9c67 put on a ea064fbf8a show, demonstrating that 07dd44c188 I was wary 4f1f860ae7 of him with 9cd05e8b82 my whole body, d1ad1916bf like a sensitive 2950d704e1 beast with its e07a3c17f4 antennae raised. I thought 2fc4bb8351 he was 2007837439 going to ebdb74d696 hug me.9600e05b61a7f93f

My steps, which db2f7c3cd7 had been hurrying ec4af3e3a5 down the subway 6a3bdfd282 stairs, slowed. I stopped c859e29753 halfway down 94d6cf5f83 the stairs. I grabbed my 409fb3610f hair tightly, as 4de977188b if tearing it 5170e8ef1c out. A sigh of self-reproach b8dcb43a65 escaped my lips.a4615c734074fd5e

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“Damn it…!”d294c60ed281cba7