PD Ch10

He was a man who approached me no matter how coldly I pushed him away. He was a man who was trying to possess me while using my mother to get married. He was a man who read the relationship between my mother and me as if he were looking into his own head and used it. He pretended to be docile, but if he saw even a small excuse, my stepfather would reveal his hidden teeth and try to bite my neck. That’s why I was desperately trying to act dignified in front of him.8bac2c379ad383dc

The reason I came into this man’s house was not so much to hurt my mother as to show off that composure to the man. No matter what he had in mind, it had nothing to do with me. I wanted to make my stepfather, that man, realize that he was a worthless being who couldn’t harm me in any way by coming here.79ea1e19e6ce46f4

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My stepfather’s eyes softly scanned the room.2d131a1f7ffeb0e1

“You still haven’t unpacked. Is the layout inconvenient, or do you not like the room? I asked Grace, and she said you like white, so I decorated it in white tones.”026ce3febcd69d2f

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“…”683ef54c5021de9c

“You don’t like the room?”65cd16dab4a22acb

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“I told you earlier.”3af7d45b91326cde

“If there’s anything uncomfortable, don’t hesitate to tell me.”0e6ca99d8641f0d8

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“It’s uncomfortable when you act like this, Father.”d19803d0d22daa2b

“I know it looks crazy.”e48bf2d645704b16

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“I… told you not to.”f08aa01998034b1d

“You won’t let me catch you, so who am I supposed to catch?”f984de0c05a30f22

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“Did you isolate Mom properly?”8c1b8517b8ee5eb6

“…She’s showering now.”543b05772498a6ca

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“Please don’t make me uncomfortable. Please leave.”bd3d79b01da29d4b

“If I could buy you with money, I would have.”97f32a26b0894b86

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“…”976c6e16e698a3c4

“I’m a businessman. I’ve never seen anything as desirable as you in my life. So I compromised.”6e66e28d8e9b5ffd

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I lowered my gaze and deliberately got lost in other thoughts, trying not to listen to the man’s words. The man talked at length about something. I didn’t listen.28fec2d97387c09c

“Junghyun.”082415a60a8c8942

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At my stepfather’s call, I threw a fresh gaze as if being pulled up from deep thought. If I had a knife, I would have hidden it behind my back.43f2dee95fab5ec5

“Mom must be done showering.”6bca3b0574392a03

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“…Junghyun.”a4d34d9fc00b9fc6

I felt like I e7c1a96c70 was going crazy every 364331ccb4 time the man called b8df535d57 my name like that. A man who 974f26dd9e rationalized possession by 12831296f0 marrying my mother b4d9189306 and becoming my c821e6a5f6 stepfather, and I c98aaaaf24 myself, who knew a46b267eff that and chose 9ebd93b44a to enter this 4e67aff86d dark cave, was a75b7c6099 disgusted.34fd8713cadaf9e8

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“Please leave. I’m begging you.”bc385e58a10805cb

“…Okay, rest.”a324b76a6c33a5a4

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I used the word “please” and made a polite request. The man nodded with a regretful expression and turned around. I watched him open the door and leave with tension. The door closed, and I had vowed not to lock it, but I had no choice but to lock it with a click. The sound of the door locking echoed clearly in the quiet surroundings.35b6f3ec815d4d03

I could 8881dd4aa9 tell he 36cdd42481 was still 9fed8f6bc1 standing in b0c472644d front of 4a7c4675ea the door. I leaned my 3273c34594 forehead against the 050fd3036f door and prayed fdc18731c8 desperately in my 0930003f2c heart for him 057a4d996a to leave, not f601e60f7f to stand there 963f42e6e9 like that. Only after 69c939554f the footsteps d92fb90534 that had 7783c5a704 lingered for 9fb817a4ca a long 13b9b27f6c time faded 1f659339da away was 475f44fd57 I able 79cbe6d2f9 to move c230ab1219 away from f8f823dbe2 the door.79b5d88a6621acbf

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I didn’t have the energy to sit at my desk. I lay down on the bed. The mattress supported my weight firmly yet softly. I covered myself with the new blanket that smelled of fabric softener. Everything that touched my skin was soft and warm, but I swallowed painfully. A headache that couldn’t be relieved with medicine was tightening my head.b6977b69748aa621

***0743ab99b8c628e8

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The garden was cold and damp. I fastened my coat, inhaled, and exhaled, and my breath spread out around me in a hazy blue dawn. I slowly looked around the man’s house, where I would be living from now on, from the view line with a faint mist to the neatly arranged garden and the detached house beyond.c91a1fb6f70ad126

I thought Seoul would be complicated and messy everywhere, but it wasn’t. As my mother had said, like Newport in Rhode Island, the road up the hill was lined with mansions separated from the heart of the city at regular intervals, and the man’s house was no different.a54f29232bfcc2aa

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The mountain range behind me was foggy, as if it were carrying clouds. Even this limitation could be a stinging pain, depending on what situation you were in. I slept, but I didn’t sleep deeply. My head kept ringing, and I was pressing my temples with my hands when I heard a rustling sound and turned around.cc2103d2e456d6e2

“…”47fdd5333754c5ba

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A face that didn’t resemble his father.f3f65e95af6da72d

If his father was a specimen of a scholar, his son was an animal wearing a human skin. He was the owner of strong and distinct features. His eyes were deep, and his splendor looked like melancholy with moisture. He was in his mid-twenties and felt somewhat boyish, with a dignified air reminiscent of a ruler who had just ascended to the inherited throne. If he didn’t resemble his stepfather, it would have originated from the womb. Looking at his appearance, I was purely curious about his mother.4986f8a5ed572046

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Unlike me, who found the winter in Seoul unbearably cold, Lee Seungwon came out into the garden wearing only jeans and a knit that didn’t seem too thick. And he found me and approached me without the slightest hesitation. Every time he took a step, the grass, faded to a desolate color, crumbled like tinder. I smelled a faint mint scent. It must be the smell of the cigarettes he smoked that had permeated his body odor. He came close enough to me that I could smell his body odor and stood next to me, looking down at the scenery beyond the wall like me.7b9cab8de8e1a9ce

I ran my 6d82c44d5d hand over my 45c6bfdb58 stiff neck. I had 8560970b94 to say d51ce8276c something. He had a c9a7c668a9 weakness of mine. A weakness that my eae8fe03ad stepfather would try to 8b4378956d rape me with if e2a7fb0ff7 it got into his 7aee54dd93 ears. Encountering him c652e41bcb at Trax eeb1fcfb8f was not a8999f4b4a a wonderful 83ce683e69 coincidence but ba23532e1a the worst 2bf5d4b3a8 coincidence. I was bc57fcadf3 reminded of dbfa04a454 how he 18ca7bfdf1 had enjoyed 564ce44920 ignoring my f24b0bdc9d eyes at 33635b0904 the dinner a1569e697a table last 5773f99c47 night, which 6010b3cf61 had asked 460015a570 him to b6f7f23651 pretend that 27a8ebd22b the chance 363c05924d encounter had 14a9266d52 never happened.e685c15da0066d69

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“…”5a4dcc91f70b1288

I gripped my collar tightly. I could see the trajectory of his breath in my field of vision, which didn’t turn around. Quite a bit of time passed as we endured without saying anything to each other. My lips were already frozen blue and trembling. Even though I had a coat draped over my shoulders, I was cold, but Lee Seungwon reacted insensitively to the cold. Impatience and patience ran out first.5de706cd6e2364a5

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“We met a few days ago. Do you remember?”a89ffed238678c73

“It looks cold.”7415cae86c4fe6c9

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He replied briefly. It wasn’t an answer to my question. With my lips frozen blue, I turned to look at him. Lee Seungwon’s eyes were fixed on my lips. His eyes, which had been lowered, were lifted. It was a gaze that approached in a straight line. I shrugged off the cold and replied coldly, as if to say I could handle this much.c92aa25ffd19c843

“I think you’re colder than me.”1fb92bb360552850

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“Is Seoul very cold? I heard you’ve only lived in California.”233d5e5843790c46

“Yes, more than I thought.”c84579acfb3d669f

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I had lived in Korea for a while during my adolescence, but I didn’t want to correct him. Now was not the time to casually discuss the weather with that man’s son. I wasn’t in the mood to do that either.01523f63a4b9d1e5

“I saw you in Itaewon.”90f017d753c39f70

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“Ah, yes.”64ec876edd76ffc4

At my words, which were returning to the main point, Lee Seungwon’s lips smiled languidly. He put both hands in the back pockets of his jeans and nodded lukewarmly, seriously gazing at the dawn scenery of his house, which he was encountering after a long time.8bfc401a4a2569f0

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“You’re the one who found my cell phone back then, right?”b31f744959db11e3

I asked 1455d47465 again in 727f8b9f37 a monotone 047b173d6e voice. Lee Seungwon 226bd5829c looked at 5a8eff9406 me. There was 757b502060 no reason eed4d52752 to back 3bee3edb8c down. I met his eyes.0f4d8e21c9cf1d8a

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“My mother doesn’t know I go to places like that… and I hope she never finds out.”d3e081979ec3fca9

“…”99a6132938ced114

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“I’m going back to America soon. Please pretend you don’t know until then. I have no intention of causing trouble in this house.”0782527c65065e28

I had ecd0267f02 expressed my db3aa8a822 intentions enough. It was obvious that d591d09640 I would be seen 3a2da4371b as a stepmother and 73aa184efe her child who had 1763cbd3fc come in to take 44cfb99e29 advantage of the wealth. There was a need 5a6a1f7c56 to draw a line 9a9241627e against his wariness.6ddb6bac63e0135d

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“I heard you were very opposed to this marriage.”46b9ff72150f243a

I expected an answer that he would or wouldn’t do that, or that I shouldn’t worry. I was surprised by the completely unexpected words and asked back.08f1cff97fe4f5a9

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“Did the President tell you that too?”1ca0333e10e1252d

“Do you call my father President?”7685f5d06e2a45e3

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My face flushed for a moment at his question. I had been calling him Father in front of my stepfather. The word “Father” was enough to make him feel guilty. It was as if he had caught me using a different title on purpose. I made excuses even though I didn’t need to.63cf836a9cf0a49d

“I don’t know him well yet, and it’s awkward. I haven’t even met him a few times.”d16d99f39ecf7063

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“My father was talking as if he was very close to you.”34f91b42cf30223e

“No, not at all. I don’t know him well.”fb2f3c2743a45e09

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“…”5d07e5067e3f09f3

“My mother wanted it, so I just agreed. I didn’t even want to come out of America. I’m going back soon, and I won’t come out again.”1f9343b24dc241cd

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“I see.”c808117e4c69c4c6

He pretended to understand ambiguously. I said it clearly as if I were conveying a decided matter and glanced at his expression. That’s not what I wanted to say. I hesitated and opened my mouth as I watched his expression.a53f076086892849

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“So… don’t tell anyone.”93255500e94c469a

“Tell them what?”559e8503976fe919

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“I went to 62a75a91a5 a place like b5b9046274 that. I’m sure dcfb3cc735 your parents f51482f0a2 don’t know 4edbb1862d either. Please, let’s not a189b57dbd out each other.”9a97c85d46c91dd4

“I never f7f3ed20d2 said I e5ba520e5c was gay.”d24f44b8c34cbe29

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“…”7564942ba1f777fe

“So, anyone who goes 586b186046 to a place like fa1cf91a7d that is gay?”cff248c07dba733b

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I froze like ecbb866a4f a stone. Only then a97a1c6925 did I 21837faaa0 realize that f54acbba5b if I 2af9fccf1f had just 11b0cb817c pretended not e9c38123b4 to know 5e1cf08e56 and moved f931d764e0 on, this ec6e512ec9 topic would 5c2c5a777a never have 6e6d3d0a88 resurfaced. I had b9534d0148 just assumed 4cd6562425 he was d8d61c3fb9 one of b0cc5ca223 my kind. Seungwon chuckled as 1fad099e54 I stared blankly, e43a31733f unable to say 88dad4cf08 anything in my 90ee02f4d3 embarrassment.3812ac581f966ce9

“Well, I wasn’t 86e5a41500 planning on saying b3e8cb2c66 anything from the 1266ae59a5 start. Don’t worry.”ed375712f7d6cf44

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“…I’m sorry if I 568847af26 misunderstood.”fa20e4b14f670e26

“Didn’t things work out with the guy you went out with? If you’re going back to America soon.”e7e73d4ce5e904fb

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He was 42c18dc2cb talking about 2e594a7d5c the man 4e2397a50e who had 0243e09af6 been roughly 06744e0bb7 exploring my 9f674bda8b lips in 3387f73f20 the elevator bee9fa3186 of Trax. To think 5ddf9d4ad2 that his 2176dbbd4b son had 3f3fd69142 caught us c87d60d072 in such 2ca6df1e3b a scene. I felt 59a804dba5 suffocated and d2b22ffd55 miserable. I had been 8e6656712f on my way 79ee95af8f to a one-night b61164472a stand. Whether he was gay 10e31203dc or not, he couldn’t 363455c33b have missed the meaning fbc921944c of that scene. I decided not to 065d4c9fdc care what Seungwon thought f5dc1e9e7d of me. As long as he f69ed22150 didn’t tell his father, 42f864ba9b he could think of ad1b95fc35 me as a cheap 2d7058666f person who freely mingled cd143c8469 with strangers for a a75bb8902c moment of pleasure. I was going 4d10e71c61 back anyway. It didn’t matter. He was a man 8378224c10 I would never see 6f9d9c0b04 again.6074a775f2a1a58d

“Excuse me.”363a18c07d6d5fd1

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“When are 89a25c99e0 you leaving?”d3f1e3ddaf7b391b

I didn’t f051f3d47f answer Seungwon’s 08d2e713de question and a339553f60 turned away, fb2ee98230 but I 3d35a31873 stopped halfway 88c249925d when he 4fd1864b84 called out 356214c047 to me.0a6c942c9e314590

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“Where to… to America?”2d95793eae9bb7f9

“Yes.”d63be5498367c0ee

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“Sometime this week or 30246aacfc next.”26a0c60328a1bffa

I hadn’t even 0aef7d9a29 booked a plane fdc5fd8a41 ticket yet. I didn’t 3956cbc5e6 have a d6a6bf995a place to aa31898d09 live there 1992a3d749 or money 6d69fe170b to solve b07c210614 my immediate e9a3c8f5c4 meals, but d78f89746e I only b9e980a29e had the 5366969e94 thought that 0c72b16f59 I had 6c67b0b569 to leave c07d29dac2 no matter 63b03c0ec5 what. Whether it was this dffbda1034 week or next, I a30952f81e just wanted to somehow 54d5fa2a20 raise the money and 4f0f7d8994 return to America, where 11dec1beda no one was waiting 90d7f6096e for me.b47174caf7a2063b

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“Well then.”91e2f1078a973dd1

I made a perfunctory 0b804727d5 nod and was about 61a613f52c to turn around when cd77c56c81 Seungwon’s voice stopped me c801d8ec75 again.57ea21a94fd19870

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“But why ed574488a7 were you 68cc1f9eba so opposed 79dd0e92b2 to the 5d348b45a3 marriage? I heard your life 13ccc2082c wasn’t great.”ed69c9d33be0fcde

“…”4f0b74659e6f51c8

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I, who had been 3de2c0ca2a a step away from 711e73c786 him, now had a b45fd3b85f cold, frozen expression. I looked at 49902ec6c1 him with eyes 511e69ba7d colder than the 20ef01620d winter air that ad369f17cd had just arrived. He looked interested 14060837a6 in my gaze, 886cdb9c2e his eyes sparkling. It seemed he found 4be659c24f it fun to provoke 779a6184e2 me.1aac5b042fc85198

“Since both our father ce46ab924a and your mother are 3ba45ea59d single anyway, isn’t it 891eb5bef5 better for the children c9eb82c0f9 if they remarry? I don’t know about e388701265 America, but in Korea, 6456e5f6eb a single mother is ec7b3f70b1 usually like a burden 92e3e925f9 that her son has 540478b97e to support until he b550e87e33 dies. If your life 4c10596579 wasn’t easy, it fe4de9f03a must have been ce284b89e2 quite a burden. If I 7e1a818503 were you, 07741a1a1b I would 1f34be92b1 have welcomed 088d1aa321 my father’s f0ff31d876 remarriage with b0be9ed130 open arms.”386d4e11cbb2a8a9

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“…”8bf6b96d176f9fba

I had to say dca931148e something. It was 034523eda0 a question 96b0f34205 that his 1e9d348ae2 son might 8bdaea46a3 be curious ecf8c05fab about. As he said, a a68e3a1ba9 single mother with no 9eeb7e86fd ability was a heavy afaef483bd burden on a difficult 26fdd79444 life. If someone, especially a f1c559c8c4 man with wealth, were 510ebd9d84 to remarry in their 5549e7496d twilight years, my natural f97e465a4e reaction would be to b11b3a8639 appease and encourage my 28f58e1ce7 mother, who would rather ccf2af3a7e refuse and reject it. But I had 84483bf5f7 vehemently opposed this 86753dfa41 marriage. This marriage 6ebc914074 had created b29e05ed38 a deep a5b66c9d07 rift between cdc32a2711 my mother b560aca743 and me 0653af11e9 that could 5e17047173 never be 8747d44b37 bridged, and 785fbe96c1 I was 58d292d76a exhausted from 5771e1086f the constant 49071ed033 discord and c5270f9656 fighting. That’s how strongly a8900d2541 I had opposed 202c6a8708 it.72298b260204b73c

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“Was there some 1bcaaea2f6 problem that made fe5e5613d5 the marriage impossible?”9758ecd138d103fb

“It’s not that, 196ed890b7 it’s…”a8d519b90cc1306f

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“If there’s something wrong efcbc59087 with your mother, you bf810c6c86 should tell him before 366af00485 the marriage.”b650cff252bc8679

“It’s not like that. To be d178e8601e honest, my 2d43db0778 mother was 58c3ed214a attracted to 7d60e1060a the President’s e0020ac831 wealth. I opposed it because de8866be95 I didn’t think it 17e14e6f01 was a marriage based dd87b069f5 on liking and love.”0c9de886117d64e1

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Seungwon looked dumbfounded at 8e25cca253 my words. He soon f5a169e204 burst out df8b1d13af laughing. His laughter aa594480c7 filled the 7b070c0f7a dawn air.9e599e944658147f

“You’re an interesting f64920458e person.”43b2bd24e5a38f10

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“…”7bfb0dd69fc76097

“You opposed 37f3daf99a the marriage 800859e66e because it 0b73e75374 wasn’t based 02772f0cf9 on love? You opposed it because e4bf4c2b82 it was a remarriage 172cc1696e for money…?”65e9f4411fff51d1

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He asked 22835eeb2b back as 4dae8a8431 if he 50f4d6ef3d couldn’t believe 033524483e it.6cfe6058ed588b22

“…”1dae6b8ce50e15b6

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“You didn’t 220873c7bf seem naive f649015966 enough to 774b22d55b think such 56b6d2a825 ridiculous things e14e11a2ef when I d76f45599f saw you b65ee1d71c then?”4065a121be194606