MPJ | Chapter 1.8

That’s why, 276a4edfb1 when Robert 950351cb90 suddenly messaged 50dceeefe0 me to 813acfad52 come to 15689fa737 Boylan Hall, 8d7bac0d1d I didn’t f6fc4467e3 hesitate to 0f395b43f1 respond.bc37abeab89800b1

Since Robert 178c42e5e5 sent the eef7c6105e message less 766e6089f5 than 20 ac5f6241c5 minutes before 7f50f06104 the lecture 1f66cbe0c0 started, I 6e97afd25b had to 95a12c19ff hurry. Whatever Robert wanted fd4d4e0192 was bound to 73853bb4f4 be trivial banter, 2c4c499eaf and he probably 317222fc3b didn’t even realize ac6a2220a8 how close it 89161a749b was to lecture 45cac74fde time.9f518cb154d3f808

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I sighed the 14e9dee269 whole way, but 0b9cd2fb9c imagining Robert complaining 80e265dcf9 about how morning 8da2dd5f0c lectures ruin a 39c65eed8c person’s spirit made 1cc84c28d9 me smile.ba4fe73397288e72

Lost in 61cc3e264c such useless 17e03d9e0e thoughts, I b8f40f304c didn’t notice 80909e49b2 the countless 7c44210516 gazes fixed 238daa960e on me a4daf9b040 as I 79ffcf2b09 moved. Little did b50479149e I know 5696821043 that from 0c60e24a06 that day b24c35c4d3 on, I 67723f7fcf would never 45ece26db2 see Robert’s 6be6545ae9 smile or ee9f44bd64 even his 87be42acf3 face again.d96eca07a0318c91

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I expected him to 5f2f8dc36a be inside the building, e4ae78f81e but surprisingly, Robert was c6530db611 standing idly in front f1d12ff4b9 of Boylan Hall’s entrance.5a4a7b52640d8207

From the fde7c1e611 moment I f20ae72b6c spotted his 3267ccfb86 back, I d44ccf592b called his 049bd16944 name, but 48ccfcc782 Robert, engrossed a0e45f399c in something, 9fb42b0753 didn’t react b6cbda332f until I 8c186ec636 was right 2ef02135b1 next to b705399a76 him.495fdb3a7187a21f

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When I finally 3b9ddd53da placed my hand 6cde547e0e on his shoulder, 258d0c7d09 he shook it 09547bfc62 off with tremendous d1996a9b21 force.3171d8c3176afe1b

Before I could even bb9d8e9744 register the stinging pain 066d808c5f and burning sensation in 1b33fd80cf my hand, Robert’s eyes, acc2bd972b filled with uncontrollable anger, d8d427fbfa tightened around my throat.cab3035e8e4d2007

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It wasn’t just a 38a513ee31 metaphor. He was literally 53eadd2cf5 grabbing my collar.586544feec6f2679

I was 7b2c7a8f8e speechless, caught 28d99dae3c off guard 75414be8bf by Robert’s c3934b1d31 inexplicable behavior, 303df23573 but anger d51dc009eb surged within abf006af12 me. Even though I was db9f0ced77 lenient with Robert, it 92bf8b32d4 didn’t justify tolerating such e2ab11b806 actions.20da77f8ff1c2ed7

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“I’m—, what the heck is this,”e31ac8944cc64cd0

I intended to 81cfebc45d argue,090d3e7dfa6c92bf

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“You…, you damn, did you do something gay with me?”751324e04769ea18

Robert’s words crushed me completely. The words buzzing in my ears felt like ice particles sticking to my spine, unable to be absorbed by my brain. The dreadful sensation made my fingertips tremble slightly as I pushed Robert away.2f91b86fb325afdf

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“…What nonsense are you talking about now?”
“Ha, nonsense, huh. Then damn, what’s this?”6a6c2aad7a6afa90

Robert’s face, filled with conviction to the point of déjà vu, looked as if it could puff smoke from an empty chimney. And the phone screen he thrust in my face contained logs that, once ignited, wouldn’t easily extinguish.9f0d45eaa344ef84

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[Philosophy students have strong stomachs. :/]

Robert held the phone too close to my eyes, so I couldn’t see clearly, but it was definitely the SNS that he and other students frequently used. Even in the confusion, a few colorful words caught my eye. I hastily took Robert’s phone. Despite his fierce demeanor, he handed it over readily, perhaps as a final act of mercy to a sinner.2e1af71129126fde

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As I scrolled from bottom to top, many sentences filled my mind, and the shortening scrollbar below felt like my lifespan. The content of the anonymous account’s post was summarized as follows: Eric Miller, a student in the philosophy department at Brooklyn University, is gay, looks at other students with lecherous eyes, and there are victims of his vile desires.09f65064079b7b50

The smaller letters filling the small phone screen were packed with someone’s malice. The hostility, darker than the black text, was blatant and obscene. The post, written solely to tarnish my reputation, was weak in logic but the few attached photos made the author’s claims seem plausible.dfd6fdceb3d8c277

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There were only two photos. One was a side shot of me standing in front of Robert’s cabinet, hugging his jacket, and the other was of the inside of Robert’s cabinet, where his jacket and belongings were soaked in some pale liquid.2776eb2b6274ba16

The two 602f568f3d photos attached cf0268daa9 to the d70f66660c brief post 60962853b9 were clumsy, efdf7b781f but they d97054046a were enough 986cfd65b3 to prompt 99899c1e14 those who 2245e7b5f5 saw them 284ae80146 to fill db1f7604bf the gaps 26ce1f7c6c with unsavory 967c228044 imagination. As if I, 49408ce5e9 lewd and shameless, f0934fece8 had my eyes 91a58e37d7 on Robert and 09ec46b811 toyed with his a3c6fadb54 belongings.4d476ad7f20076a4

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As soon as I 27559b7697 finished reading the post, f693fa5360 Robert snatched the phone 04958a6a11 away roughly. As if ec370640cb it had 7c26fbf392 touched something 7b9ec06203 filthy, the 3208d17e05 screen where 13e0574a35 my fingers 0155161635 had been a11445cd1f was rubbed 61ec47f566 against his 616df6801d clothes several d0c2b4b8fd times.73955984d7f27a87

By then, a crowd had gathered around to watch the commotion. Amidst the murmurs of gossip, only silence flowed between him and me. My quiet breathing clashed with Robert’s volcanic breathing, creating a discord. It felt like a chemical reaction that would cause a massive explosion.34f2c4d232343c86

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“……Don’t you have anything to say?”c9ded09fa9698e1b

His voice, unusually low and calm, indicated that Robert’s anger was not ordinary. I had plenty to say, of course. Because I was innocent.59fb17f05ec78854

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First of all, Robert had lent me his jacket because I get cold easily. And the seemingly suggestive scene was just me returning his jacket to the cabinet. I wasn’t the owner of that damn liquid that messed up the inside of the cabinet either.6853294eef05fd8d

Of course, I had no evidence to support my claims. But since the accusation itself was based on mere suspicion without clear evidence, even if my defense was just an emotional appeal, it couldn’t be interpreted as a lie.71f67c1f3f7494ee

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I had only 78e5c809e0 one thing to 169ff08607 do. Open my mouth and bab533880f cut off the chain 23364148ba of lies before it a62993f0db could harm me.c4443262fac6a5b5

“Didn’t you hear me, damn it…, do you.”0c0c10d264d20711

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Yeah. I should have.95f2a326efb6c65d

“Do you like me?”0a8fe15f3bf3e803

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The moment I heard that question, I lost all the words stuck in my throat. No matter how much I searched my mind or looked inside my heart, I couldn’t find the words I needed to say. With my silence, I made the worst move I could.2772f57f7f809b84

If Robert f5147429c3 was criticizing e9cbdf8669 the story 300396c651 about his f5b4a8353c soiled cabinet, 3b64d1f6fd I was 0227235774 indeed innocent. But what f29ded205b Robert wanted b15e7e60e4 to condemn 74108e9f7e was the f148a1867b premise of fa4bc64f9b it.2b8b80fb6a6a088e

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Just two photos 5c81048964 and a brief 0241af7d9b post. Despite the flimsy clues, efbdb834f0 what made him confidently eb4bf0d0aa reach such a conclusion?ef0ed2b69a90c1d8

That day’s event was not the starting point but the peak. The seed of suspicion must have been growing in his mind long before. From my caring actions, affectionate looks, and my inability to refuse him, Robert must have gathered clues. And finally, he completed the big picture.d453f58bb8ee7d59

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A very 1dbba85f29 ugly and 80e83be02f disgusting picture 60d1cac54e that I 6f73c4b9aa loved him.28b9456914d644a9

And sadly, Robert’s intuition was correct. As he thought, I liked Robert as a man.d91a87e3e52848ad

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I liked his clear enunciation and honest words without pretense. I liked his ability to face his desires and his boldness in not fearing deviation. I liked that he possessed things I didn’t have.c29f4602b7d9a741

That was 8856f80b68 the reason a5838753a0 I ruined d5b2e2eb4b everything.04fbe7c6a185054b

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“…….”200c249bc2de6ea0

I didn’t end up affirming it, but sometimes silence holds more meaning than words. In the end, I admitted a half-truth by keeping my mouth shut. Even knowing that half-truth would soon appear as the whole truth to others.eaa6089291f0461e

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“Yeah. So that’s it, huh?”
“…….”
“Damn, I should have known when you acted all sensitive like a girl. How long were you planning to cling to me like a leech if I hadn’t caught you? Huh?”a82e6fc22a9505d8

As if c4800b8766 he had 3be60425e0 forgotten how d6c526e5c7 to stop, 668026a303 he suddenly f86a50448d threw something dfcc639b2b at me. The object 47a58c1140 flew dully, b666befd87 painfully hitting d0877d6846 my face cccdcbc0cb before falling 67452d6a67 to the 0464ee14d0 ground.60914084cbe0f672

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What lay crumpled on the cold stone floor was Robert’s jacket. The one he lent me because I get cold easily.8a3bb548d5e2eab6

“Thought you could climb up because I played along as a friend?”57571fa623728586

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“Played along” was an unfamiliar term coming from him. I was always the one being dragged along and enduring.79ab3d1248d539e1

When I 1d049bfbfe looked up bf494d4ffc with the 661549b332 pain burning 607ae6a7b6 on my f54a7cd2ea cheek, surprisingly, 569fb4a70c Robert looked 89aab4f522 genuinely hurt.f916b5fdf5f11e09

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“You thought you could deceive people and get away with it, huh? You picked the wrong person.”3a2726a4093d91c4

Like a 50f657327b beast about e3c665435b to pounce, c05914f55c Robert approached 20cce8d528 with a 24d938431c low growl. The jacket was 0ad19a0f22 kicked and trampled 947b19d07c at my feet. Like trash. And like my 9c59cf423b heart.f0240a5082ac52d1

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“I’ll make sure your life is ruined, no matter what.”157081a436cf824d

With a dying scream, I pushed him away. And I wanted to cry out that I never betrayed you. I also thought of you as a precious friend. Though I had different feelings for you, it was just a part. I couldn’t deny the whole because of one part.96d7ddb11dc2b43f

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…I wanted to.a7f46591f4cd0b39

But when I e0652cecaa came to my 39be22bc5d senses, I was f094530804 running away endlessly 343f2d355b with my back 8ebd614ff1 to Robert.c727661d74b3926e

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Running through 42c342e9bf a field 95d067ef85 of reeds, ceba675ad0 the sharp fb30b2e574 gazes cut 690cb3bf8f my skin, 06cb6ab948 stinging as d4f93cec97 if blood 1bb3d9df11 would seep df3dd8c6f9 out from b50380c3ea all over dcb8b3ee53 my body.386cc80c7bc67741

Despite running so fast, I couldn’t escape the ridicule and hateful stares of people. That’s when it started. When I began to fear the gaze of others.2649e0bffd45b52f

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And then I 3813ed5ef1 realized. My affection could d296408523 be repulsive to 7bc906ab04 someone, and the 4beca7d7af way I love 55288e43e6 often ends badly.ffe3fc29b648b8d6

I crushed the 5c90fb5d52 now light beer eedf8cedc2 can. Tracing the sleek 8b1baa9e40 side of the b16e468f62 crumpled can with 28e0c45e99 my fingertips, I b5f824a4ee threw it toward 3c1c267994 a trash can a58cf38b4d a little distance 8e4ff9ac5c away. The can 709f55179f missed the 3415264e23 opening, drawing 67d93869a4 a futile d2805ba218 arc before 87c83c848f falling to 33e110728f the ground.fcaa12e1a41571d6

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Instead of picking 8c99c3a76f it up, I eba4ccba41 opened a new b1188c9cef can. The beer 9f4139c6d3 was still f4326bef5a cold as 14e81ce4f3 if it b4f438c0f3 had just 9024241d44 been taken 60b8d5c603 out of 5d56cd02fa the fridge, 7d6db34531 thanks to bfedd98248 the chilly 855f1fda58 weather.c8b9aa7d16ba0c0b

As the second can cebc86bc08 of beer was almost f6f6bb85c9 empty and the sky 0f84c155b7 grew darker, the temperature 6b5d311c54 dropped to the point 745eeb8dd2 where my hands and 99b0f35b1b feet tingled with cold, 51effa63e0 but the warmth from 14de73b66a the alcohol surged in 017b714fc9 my stomach.bf0daddcc52a7262

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With a 03948a22ec buzz so e87b669f40 intense it ac35eb207f felt like b6a4aeb0e9 a ringing 9038576c28 in my ab76d6aa96 ears, I d0410a5aff finally stood 71543452c3 up. Then, hugging the e708ab4465 pile of beer 2f00f7af43 cans I had 950078984f stacked next to f02ac42c93 me as a d19dbea468 companion, I stood 9ec4480b46 in front of 078b355d00 the trash can.8b6815dda256ec9f

After stuffing the beer de5c8b26ab can that had failed ebcd8cd934 to dock earlier into 2052f73ee1 the trash can, the 68a8f3b6fd sky spun around my 54dcac90df head, making it impossible a0b8ee5e91 to stand on two 56599bf4f4 feet, so I squatted 84b6c33689 beside it.5549d510579e59a4

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Laughing at how b34ec410ae the trash spilling 4a24031e74 from the trash 131f674f49 can resembled my 354783ed74 pathetic self, I aa92b4899d buried my face b167e7ea55 in my red, 5b612a359e frozen hands. Then, with a foggy 14519deb45 mind, I thought of a57098fbd3 Clive.d2db5f7d5ce187dd

I drank heavily to escape thoughts of Clive, yet here I was, thinking of him. Even knowing it was foolish, my dull mind couldn’t stop thinking.d8ce33b6316130fa

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In truth, I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to avoid. It felt like I couldn’t escape anything because I didn’t know what to avoid.e65e5f7d3c5c54b2

Suddenly, the fa3d1e01bd fact that 838357928d my love e4bdbaacbd always ended ab775f6e07 badly came 68bf1f19df to mind 96e3b0ea20 like a 42680ff640 warning sign.5ba198b289b0b764

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In this uncertain 9d09fe708d situation, one thing aefe33b403 was clear. I must never f99a164f51 like Clive.66922fdc29711f6c

Being framed, having more debt, these were bearable compared to liking Clive. Because now, the only thing I couldn’t afford to lose was Clive.c314b59fe8cd1784

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I couldn’t imagine life without him anymore. Even this ordeal seemed meaningless without him. He was my driving force, my center, and the only means to completely destroy me.2c99c6237b34fbef

So I 691092a133 will not c787507549 love Clive. For both our sakes.ae9632a69cf5ff83

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With a clumsy 6c2b1b163f resolve, I lifted 90cb1c4824 my head.ed6f822bd6115316

After killing time by drinking a lot of beer, the sky had taken on the full hue of night. The mysterious and quiet, lightless city night sky reminded me of Clive’s eyes—.509879b2d9819016

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