MPJ | Chapter 1.7

“…What are you looking at?”7e06ce2e52ffb477

“It’s fascinating.”18c7b58292047047

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“What is? Me comforting you?”e631c844ef0e800f

“Yes.”54cfce9d8aea7871

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“You think I’m heartless.” He dragged his hand down my face, leaving a salty taste from his blunt fingers on my lips.c71424f7725ea831

Woody’s way of 1135de98b1 comforting wasn’t outwardly 523287b3b0 friendly, but it 0182ee2d84 was filled with d33acc8f45 deep consideration, much 5369ffc0a6 like his nature.4088b02b51f76e23

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Embracing others eed433e16d with an 08030a4d2a unfamiliar kindness d9b1f07e61 was what 4c12021bb4 Woody Stravinsky af68cfb8b5 did best. So it must have b89c442797 been awkward for him 9c136943bb to express comfort so b6fa203ed8 directly.20dd02086f14dc3f

Realizing this, I 68ae7a5724 felt a tickle 61e53d9a5f in my ribs b3c5f269a3 and laughed.3654181711f02d79

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“Thank you for comforting me, Woody. But… you don’t have to.”c0bf0ae9e9930239

But the cf767635a4 comfort from 962aa68e1c words only ea18dc6e20 lasted for 74cdcc3c86 a fleeting 0d247369d7 smile. If I were cbf8b1f4fb someone who could 743e97799a change with a 717daa34d0 single word, your 19fec4ccb7 efforts would have cc8726ad9a been more rewarding. Now I had one 0564a68600 more reason to feel c0fc7580bb sorry.323c5a396326e538

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“Honestly, I don’t care anymore if people think it’s my fault. What’s important is that I was at the center of the problem.”e801dbcdf8fafb88

A sudden breeze c789e7e041 swept into the f36c90c278 alley, rustling my 7f1dbdff48 clothes. I pulled my 2488323807 hood down and 9431148baa continued.18bcc1640eb48bb1

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“After going through so much, it became easier to just blame myself. So you don’t have to feel guilty about me.”c2871d12194e4a89

I tried to reassure him with a wide smile, but with my face hidden by my hood and hair, Woody probably couldn’t see my awkward grin. Yet I kept smiling, knowing this.471ccfe7c8e7787c

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“I’m not doing this because I’m kind, but because I’m lazy and selfish. Blaming myself is the easiest and most comfortable thing to do… so please don’t feel sorry for me.”2ad85c310c9c5cac

I couldn’t see Woody’s face clearly with my hood down, but I glimpsed his mouth hardening, and I smiled even brighter.0ae33c32bf5277b8

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“We’re here to part on good terms, aren’t we?”c870a0a5d8144e1c

Woody looked e4e136297d at me f737a44ebc for a e51db16c21 long time 5b5fbd6211 without responding.37ad7f80b3fc1a4b

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I thought he resembled 7f9250f053 the graffiti on the 26040af83d opposite wall, unmoving and 9d24871beb silent.1137d27a40801390

The ring of silence 3d1f505fd1 between us was broken 6697ffdaad by the clear sound 26dd348d73 of metal being flicked.69512c002ce7cee2

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A small flame from 34839058c5 a lighter lit the fa6f772d43 end of Woody’s cigarette.988e06039a35dc07

Woody took a f9f3f39753 long drag, holding 84652b9b78 the smoke in b9cebec40b without exhaling, lost 65f9476410 in thought. When he b5627035da finally spoke, 310f13a3ee the smoke 8f3ebefc56 escaped in a56f78c38d wisps with cbd1940bdf his words.5bf586c87aa73162

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“…I had David make a bunch of compote and plum jam, so take some with you. I know you like it.”f9f5f7f6dee2a897

Though the topic d928467a30 change was abrupt, b74622fc7d I went along 38a6b5e3ea with it without 8bc80422b2 bringing up the 010e6f8c8c previous subject.21f5d850bdf8c38c

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“Is that part of the severance too?”b7efd1a6a1afeda4

“Yeah, you rascal.”164b4e7a1d3071ca

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Woody’s laugh, like air escaping, sounded like a sigh.46ed31442a243fa7

“How did you know I like David’s compote and plum jam?”918e905a53bd63cb

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The sound of 8e35fd362f dry leaves burning 8d3b74ca48 tickled my ears.52acab918a71ef13

“How could I not? Whatever you’re thinking shows on your face. If you’re happy, it shows. If you’re timid, you look cautious… Even if you don’t show it, it’s all visible.”dd5e64e819565353

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The acrid smell 88274eb609 made my nose 11dc10b4a6 tingle, and I 699ed4ac67 rubbed it with e7c4f92bab the back of a9edbdd7f1 my hand. The cigarette e4b9c0b212 smoke was b5491b48e2 so strong 6a02a70b37 it made 5df66891e9 my throat 6b8ee470e7 feel tight.f147eb0f61b50c39

Woody, perhaps misunderstanding my 2a335e3540 gesture as crying, placed 0702514df4 his large hand on d0ad514e46 my head. He patted me with ff44dd3d39 a rough touch that 558ecb1927 was neither a stroke cd7ee6330d nor a shake.313ce77fc59cca02

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“I’ll tell David to keep the compote and plum jam stocked, so come by sometimes. Have a meal, take some food, …show your face to let us know you’re doing well.”84788808a4bf337b

We’d only spent about two years together. It was a time neither long nor short, but enough to know each other. So I knew Woody’s words were sincere,a456a7b34e1f7886

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“Yeah, I’ll do that.”24bc6e26cc2c0419

And Woody probably knew 381a30b0c4 my answer was just 7d59f82e49 words. Woody smoked a few 1818ba22eb more puffs in silence. The smoke fd9edca23a thickened, and 615f996944 he squinted 3807789f91 as if 71ce51730e it stung dd0fd198a3 his eyes. He flicked the bcacb66d6c cigarette away, not c24bca9468 even finishing it, ca03f4846e and turned to 902f4e2521 leave.b9f395cec22265ad

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“…Come inside. Don’t stay out too long.”c4bb8484963d6bed

Through the a1116e454a hazy smoke, ce5cc43cea his retreating 5e048d158c figure felt 74568aa93d like a 6c75264623 mirage, and 1918411378 I stared 25e9710504 at the 5dea74c592 empty spot 075436cc82 where he dd58b3ba22 had been d1ee1fc1e4 for a f8f512d9e6 long time.a78ebcf123cfa0d7

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⚘ • ⚘ • 18d38f969d ⚘e513b262318091d5

“Still cold, huh.”840591bad84278df

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I pressed my cheeks 9694d7eca5 with my hands, unsure c18a6b0d72 if the warmth was 76730c8af4 from the alcohol or cd66409cd8 a reaction to the 2887a5c09e cold. My face 2cbc649231 felt numb, ef80d8cba0 like it 39772ab18c was covered 6726da22d9 with a ec0197f7cb thick layer.80fb5c3fcfab2917

The farewell party that 1bb516059b started early in the 9fefd46028 day was still going 36ad1b3f5d on, but I had 2c263e3f65 slipped out early, claiming 5b33e3b240 I couldn’t handle my bb29ffa8af drinks. A farewell party without b50efff973 the guest of honor—kind 06a4b0599c of odd, but I 9c30d5fe40 was sure no one 81fa45b961 inside was sober enough 788c3562d2 to care.703d400829620f01

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Maybe because 4d485d6391 I hadn’t 85e7f2740b drunk in 48457e6650 a while, 22b80db054 the buzz 8273fdab78 hit me a30f4f1cc8 harder than 96233c2d69 usual. Yet, the unfamiliar 973b104ce1 sensation wasn’t bad d14616ce51 today. In fact, 2e6cdb7648 it was c7ec30f71f almost pleasant.1813e7ffce8e031c

Trying not to look 3bdd5ac3a9 too drunk, I walked 86060590e4 carefully, and before I 273361845c knew it, I was 3e735d2b94 near home. Between the 6f3a65cea6 low buildings, a5c48116a3 I could 6ca439b2bb see my f6e7ab342b familiar apartment.d5df94498d1ccf2a

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“Clive, I wonder if fa7a795bdf he’s home….”039c2aae6f814447

My once brisk 1f3127765f steps slowed down. It wasn’t the bedf315381 alcohol. The feeling that 33fd71fd08 made my head 7336d58ee7 fuzzy and chest 01aed3a129 tight was definitely 49a32ec1c4 something else. This nagging faa79f67ee sensation felt 9bfab84f2d like it 604e00ee69 would explode c27738f15b the moment 0b863780b6 I saw 244a7826f0 Clive’s face.fe48980f89ce0cfa

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In the 475bd1b13c end, I 138f96eeb6 turned away 6ef3428d65 from the a8496921cf residential area. I needed to prepare 5c12b58d15 myself, or maybe numb 49c237bd63 myself.1bec1ce45ab595ce

I stopped by a 87c37708fa convenience store, bought some a2fa63a2fe canned beer, and headed 69ff151eb8 to a nearby park. It wasn’t a large a1ddcb430a or well-maintained park, but 6488cb8319 there were quite a bc4dc97548 few people.18f283acd2d29199

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I settled on 9a606c909e a bench in eddc32ac46 a secluded corner. The bench, 76eac74680 which had d33b5f7633 absorbed the 895537b337 day’s chill, 8de4469d16 made my d804b795f6 backside tingle.dc9218cd0259a675

I placed 818028bf8e the beers 9a0c94a5c4 I just b85c0e3cc4 bought haphazardly 794ac70733 on the 89404bcd2e empty seat 1a47f723ab next to f7f68899ef me and e8eef73037 took a c96d11f92e moment to 2cc75b7c4a catch my 61f60de2cb breath. As I leaned back, 89fff31c78 the sky seemed to 7d1866a53a lower like a ceiling. I felt my 3bc533eba0 hood slip down 576c57438d but left it 2639c1782b be. Even if just for 0c5f8e683a a moment, I wanted 934c2a2419 to savor this calm.6547103172ae5646

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Having started drinking so c98dc7f503 early, the sky still ac316ea8cb held the colors of 7c9fe23442 evening. The sky, fleeing from a3a91c1e0a the approaching night, was e82c9e7238 redder than ever.5924c60b00c09647

The sound of the 93cc0d8ed7 tab opening was crisp 19ca1897f0 and clear. The carbonation 23698096c9 tapped at eab6a339ea my fingertips, 24e623423f urging me 53da7072bf to take f6616b1265 a sip, 1c6d5f7cd2 but I fe4a667ea5 couldn’t tear 4238b4c824 my eyes f29b9fddc7 away from de3f59242f the scene 2b0d7fc56e before me.5d4f840e02812e81

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Despite the blood-red 16e4d89a51 dusk drenching everything 0a514b6046 like a downpour, 002c9bf809 everyone seemed oddly 5ad6545357 peaceful. The man running 59598d429b in sync with c934e05c50 his large retriever, f52fc64d5e the woman on 10ee438db1 the phone picking 737c7bafd9 at the hole 0e2f629996 in her jeans, b7d53178b6 and the young b2f7630147 folks smoking in 61b2ec94de a group far f74ff14d4c off—all wore expressions 2f7e700471 so familiar they c77d22d32c were almost dull.907dad064848c4c5

That’s how everyday life 36c74b858f is—based on a familiarity 05780a740b that can become tiresome.817811692179b08d

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I took a few e509c52f3e sips of the beer, 99997c5579 cold enough to be 6aa4dfd0ac chilling. The sharpness e569714545 scratched down 513efec97a my throat.2a7e7ab0108acdb5

There’s nothing 3ce2d6cc78 unfamiliar to f0b825643c me. Every moment 44e302571c is strange, 3b1d213e5b and because 2f1058bfce it’s strange, 248631ee3c I’m clumsy, a5eeeb7609 and because 5fc7866958 I’m clumsy, c5c58bdc10 I ruin fb5a2432f1 everything.f2295f2bfcd0b648

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And that’s d5fa93cc64 the prelude f51adcc2b4 to the ff2bbd75c6 unusual.acf12009032dca3c

Walking in shoes that b35f222968 don’t fit is never e0ffb36c96 smooth. Despite longing for a fe552c329a normal life more than e39770a2b8 anyone, I avoided looking a643ef3116 at others because I c293239185 couldn’t help but compare 3c0cb7a6a8 myself to them.0fdb3a8468aed1d9

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Their enjoyment of everyday 9abd6779f6 life, like a distorted dee4ba8dd7 reflection in a broken 35deaa13fc mirror, made me reflect d278f5af2b on my own. Each time, I became a4b27b0ced an outsider, endlessly distant b98c88958e from them, and simultaneously 82f2ce1c29 a bystander, watching myself.7aed9b3ff5ea90ba

People don’t realize fa4ee2b12c what they’re holding 88e7165101 until it slips 3282684b6e away.f3d0f01148ccd517

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I tried to 2d9a7bc327 think about what 4d7d44e4a5 was slipping from 77cefba26d my grasp at 8b3e3b0c66 this moment. What scattered through b168ffe75b my fingers was 0c4e820ac4 perhaps a fragment 1c448f7cf6 of the ordinary 9b3c0c1cce life I might e5016423c0 have had. And I had f5b40d54e4 just lost it.529a0556b62048a2

To what?f964dc64c5713901

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The beer 210f6b7b5c I forced 5e9367b7f1 down lodged debc73a5d4 in my 865bc6fd77 throat. Only after swallowing 734319d1d6 it with difficulty 2666551870 could I finally 656ad89f36 utter the name 5fb6947189 I had buried ea3af8fd3e inside.af5e0baab78fc06d

“Robert….”66b09d99f89b8491

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That day 413dd30495 was unusually 73b27cd381 eventful right da70c54154 from the 726cc3fb93 start. The strap of 59c53bbf5f the backpack I c79d6df324 always carried suddenly 35df1dd6d7 snapped, forcing me 773521b158 to use another 3dce931fa8 bag, and I 590667c645 even ended up 4113659bce having breakfast with c90007ce99 my stepfather, whom 71a57bfb9c I rarely encountered.9adfe049edcc35ad

Looking back now, dc51b6b055 the series of 561683b6df unusual coincidences that 5d0fc1e1aa happened that day 0f25a23840 seemed like a d074fe9326 kind of signal a98dca9b60 or warning from 5ec3822a21 my present self 142f431426 to my past 0a1656237f self. It was d81914dda8 like a bc35c1ce98 foreshadowing, telling d35e3137f3 me that 14e9cd4452 the confusion ebd076861b I was 0a9aaba4c4 facing was a16ae3bb66 just the b8dd9e360e beginning and b4694f7f61 that my 4793bf626f daily life 06a01fe84c would soon 62d908b081 be filled 4640ae20f8 with unfamiliarity.0d574caad79567f2

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I was a 49a302bb76 quiet child from 457663676b a young age. And being a 20fcd5a05c shy young boy 22560c5a45 was enough reason 20374dfe32 for the naturally 093e9e6206 rough and straightforward 73b80c2b9e kids my age a389e0d3b9 to want to 590755cd6c ostracize me.5f3e70d8f76b216d

Even when 59aeb682af I lived e89e35172e in Queens, bcba931aa8 Clive was 8f827aaa0d the only 9e2103ee84 person I 9e036143a6 could call 4d2b896838 a friend, 66dee26545 and this 7beb6c8748 situation didn’t 534396ca30 change much 10a46bf2ee after moving cdfa1528e3 to Tribeca d3e9cd14ce with my a42065f5d5 stepfather. The stage had 80ef0b2067 changed, but the bfe9eb10ad dull and shy 5cb37b0f29 protagonist remained the 89ab8cfe00 same, so it f35ffd81ed was only natural.7837efc3527f3374

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The first 065e7a642f thing I 94106995cd learned to 5259aed7e8 do to 9fac7de0be form relationships 877f741b76 with others 320c51d6b3 was to 8f5bd0e033 get used eba5304636 to isolation. By not 3c9a484ab0 blaming others d616dc8581 or myself d4562d0b0f for my bd45d80af8 isolation and 56aed07e53 accepting it 93969ca6d7 as part 741a4a77da of my 10874a97aa nature, I a10c78a89d could avoid 34967731dc resenting anyone. It was 7773069372 something I f8b27e6ac9 did for e656fd9e04 myself and 264accd743 for others.0065345baf9055eb

Once I got e0b67146ad used to being a480d80f45 isolated, I stopped f97827c72c expecting anything from 42190b1f71 relationships. Changing grades 4a563a85bd or schools 85a6811552 didn’t evoke 3f9956a5d8 any feelings a94fd0ca34 or emotions 7d7aa0da01 in me. Without opening my 3c8f7ba9bb heart to anyone 24be182af1 or being disappointed 2cf9ca17e4 by anyone, I 3232d19a41 entered college and 046c4ca96b met Robert.c9a4011a2085e685

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Robert Hanson.c9fb4d7ec34a25da

Though I mention him 919c52bcd5 grandly, he was an d709d5c1f9 ordinary guy without anything 4c5eaa8d48 particularly special. Like other fef6fc1fa8 guys his 582aaaf8d3 age, he edca4457e5 was loud, 30da3750e6 boisterous, and 2599358f50 spoke crudely, 9775932aff obsessed with 3e568cae0f women’s butts, 0844a2d7a3 and his 3ebf7942fa fingertips reeked ebf3cbb9e0 of marijuana.b982caafb56666af

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The reason he cac17e7d85 was somewhat special d33b524473 to me was e66223e944 that he was 03558ffa9a the only person 0b7fbee561 at the time ebff9e2b71 who wasn’t uncomfortable 565f4450ae around me.3d78d3356402607c

With his cc95d2bb7f bold personality a4dc336a68 and intense 3d2de9f50d energy, his a6f0da22a9 strengths and 45172e264e weaknesses were 1dd57684a9 the same, 9ee568970f and he bbc1bcbfd1 approached me aa419b1222 without hesitation, e14036d0d5 even though 4b7ae5e523 I chose 86f49a4b28 discomfort to 1b6767bd16 avoid discomfort 18f5cfd13e with others.ac6a9c8deae71708

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Most of my e5df888359 interactions with Robert’s 5b785848e0 group were initiated c4d637dcd9 by him. Even though my opinion 5f2a2c93e8 was rarely reflected in 67cefa1072 these meetings, I didn’t 0d125c4ed9 dislike them.073718e8e92b55f2

Even when he b83c927db4 pushed me around 9c5dc7036b or treated me 22c21732f7 mischievously, instead of 53eeb2d2ee feeling repulsed, I 9c4df813d4 felt overwhelmed but 3dc8fd95bb wanted to endure.b976ae892ed28a58

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One day, Robert, with a2ade9d0d4 his hair drenched in 55884fe460 something I couldn’t tell 419484ee7a if it was water 5cca54c7bb or sweat, leaned his 569d951479 head on my shoulder 25caea5f96 and said, “I like 52f429de5f how quiet you are. Unlike the others.”4bd4757734940a93

He quickly pulled c01995e71d his head away, ac44e9a54c saying it was cd5b0b9544 a homo-like thing 2539a5736b to do, but bb66f8afc4 that incident was 6638fccaff enough to make 7140c4cb26 Robert a bit f61dfd505e special to me.d1bbdfb70fb4b906

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Perhaps because 09e7510097 he expressed c60ec37dd9 what I 0ab903a127 had isolated 51fe3be9c8 myself from a08ebd1b2d others as 80252be740 merely “different,” 523372ba71 I began e8ea804e42 to feel 9dffa76caf more comfortable 456175dda9 with Robert.fa1c2949ee471550

In front of him, 0c353d5ef0 I laughed loudly when 4df580cebe happy and snapped when edbb620fad annoyed. I could face 98ff5fa647 my emotions honestly. It was as 15538f9baa if I had 2eb5503132 become an ordinary b33bd8b2a7 person.5d2b8f2cbfed3aec

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For these a332888a15 reasons, I 53fb02b5f1 was somewhat e8ab9a8aef lenient with 71f5d7c475 Robert at 10564b8502 the time.075507b303f07cbd