MPJ | Chapter 1.6

“But still…”85ddd534211ff3ed

She rubbed her cheek bbff26fca0 against my hand like 71d3f18809 a child. Her hazel eyes, 7f7db49f86 hidden under her 0f3ec4cafe red veil of 86806c6fdb hair, were revealed. My heart sank for 518bd58db6 a moment, reminded of 9a3c05568f someone with the same 8e133b9739 eye color.791d88754a476011

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“Your face was my only joy…”af18d4693d292b38

But her gentle smile a74363ab00 dispelled the shadow of 326c872490 that memory.4bef2cb709ecdd15

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Of course, that 7debb3cd24 “someone” never smiled 18e993ad2e so softly.35b67f72e494fb72

Initially, I thought she f5e1ad8699 was just exaggerating her 1b2e3420ec feelings, but Benjamin seemed 3b39f6d553 genuinely upset, and I 9b3a6dea46 was getting a bit 486f4be252 flustered.f1f85725bd38ad53

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Just then, Andy, with 3e9a315f66 a face as red 3e4aa1ecc3 as Benjamin’s hair, staggered 88e99ed4c4 over and sat beside e5c4f27ab3 her.e3fc9bd5797819cc

“What are you two doing?”dc2d3980f4e8a72c

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I had never been so glad to see Andy’s usually blunt appearance. I couldn’t move my hand from Benjamin’s face, but her annoyance at Andy’s arrival made her lift her head. Her eyes, which had been looking at me so tenderly, now glared at Andy with sharp intensity.be6016c5c9bcdc8d

“Watch your mouth.”866ef8c8dfd876f9

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Even though it wasn’t directed at me, her sharp tone made my shoulders tingle.57ab9e333b825715

“Can’t I even ask what you’re doing…?”4fd28e7d657966ba

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Imagine how Andy felt, 8018f3e679 facing that glare directly. His already c811555a7a small shoulders 3a7e776a61 hunched even d117ff5b58 more, and 3dc6185ccf he trailed f2717a7924 off, looking 1f89cb594b pitiful.95b25c8e43b04a00

“Sorry—,”0cbed8a719a0e57e

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“You always act mean to Eric. Did he owe you something? Why are you like this?”1311a76fd725c8de

Owe something? If I owe bb4f802e79 more here, it’ll b97f1c1aa8 be a real a5c0d8f089 problem.85a5a71ef15cebaf

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As Benjamin’s voice 81a2228e50 rose, I felt 1a2277d01c the eyes of ff778a7ecb those around us 28854e868b turning our way. They were pretending 3251e91070 to chat but 512cd6f580 clearly eavesdropping, looking 196e49684b like they had b9cf2596d5 caught a juicy 3c6b74ec2c bit of gossip. Of course, I was 4afa84641c no different, so I 6f4eed3bda pretended to drink my 6a2448f584 beer while glancing at 0c22289dd4 the two.981b181d28d78343

The squabble between 95c06db3ea Andy and Benjamin—though 7347013ad9 it was more 1fcb4a741b Benjamin’s one-sided scolding—was 362742b526 a common sight 8a322f5a40 among the staff dfe63c35c6 at Sink in 773d8a5a28 New York.d76dfb8a61145f25

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Andy was the ef7a39053d type to act eaf0864597 childish around someone 05ca9642b0 he liked, and 7dcb456cc3 Benjamin couldn’t stand 81229deb07 having her mood d7dcfdabb0 disturbed. So it was only 1e2c493435 natural that Andy’s constant, 060a1de045 not-so-subtle advances would irritate cf17fb47cb Benjamin.ee84ab5cda43d146

Andy liked Benjamin, 6a22c91c7c but unfortunately, she 7419d71dcb had no reason 866a6c6112 to tolerate him.41b5c9f04755a602

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Andy never 2be31977b3 openly admitted f0da5c29f6 he liked 3d821724e6 Benjamin, but f85de909e5 his unrequited c69349f589 affection was 10850b37b9 an open ab1b4457de secret among 8d91c3e611 us. Watching their bickering was d51128f202 a small amusement for 6753c58782 us.d926721fc14a1d97

“Why are you like this? Do you really not know?”97c9f9b540cd3270

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Suddenly, the voices around us quieted down. Andy talking back to Benjamin was unexpected, and Benjamin’s eyes widened, forgetting her drunkenness. Everyone else was just as surprised by Andy’s retort.7f81970101ac2d5b

“It’s all because of you! You know how I feel, but you keep favoring him over me…”b6e350c380a1b343

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Andy’s agitated finger pointed at me. I quietly put down my beer glass.3c898a2ece8fe1c2

“Woody too! It’s not like he’s going to die or something, and he’s leaving on his own, so why is everyone treating him so well?”7571e83107b533dc

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“Andy, stop.”4e1e5c64ec017b2f

David’s gentle 2fed0558d5 voice cut 7676387ed5 through Andy’s 32f1d668aa precarious rant.c971481e7b73bb27

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David, who had approached eb4809fb95 unnoticed, placed a comforting c241931a62 arm around Andy’s shoulders, 2640cd0ad8 separating him from Benjamin.b4edb01560f61260

David’s soft 53c162cfa0 yet firm 17c4d302bf tone had 12373215d9 a way d291811e4b of stopping 409adba411 words in 75388cfa36 their tracks cf531f3852 without being 2567781216 overbearing.7523f86f243fe745

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“Even if you’re drunk, watch what you say. How do you think Benjamin and Eric feel when you act like this?”c73f493048b44297

Hmm? Though his voice was kind, the veins on the back of his hand holding Andy’s shoulder were visible. It was a moment that proved the saying that those who rarely get angry are the scariest when they do.48f5be0cb884aea1

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“…”0172dcb85cf96039

Andy, scolded 43f6f4c003 by David, 5f3937177c just opened 78762a776b and closed adc9f87897 his mouth 03c5f62795 with a 951f535879 reddened face, ba6ea89bc7 then hung ab69362fdc his head 330fb4b31c without a 5ad7f21043 word. His already small frame d888beb058 looked even more fragile, 4601c1f5ce and just as I 1a1e3b2da4 felt a pang of ffe6bfa46b sympathy, his shoulders began 454f42a285 to tremble.4ac04554f116919b

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He looked like a volcano about to erupt, and when Andy suddenly raised his head, I instinctively stood up. But instead of the fight I feared…a6972620ca33baf9

“Waaaah—!”2c776b2c855d91d1

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His reaction was shocking. He threw his head back, exposing his Adam’s apple, and started bawling like a child.f5a8b2566af5c862

“Why, waaaah—, why is everyone against me? You all hate me and only like him!”d3813e73bfe2c7f9

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I’d never seen someone cry such thick tears before. He was sobbing so pitifully that I felt like I should give him a candy or something. The most surprised by Andy’s reaction was, of course, David. He seemed to think Andy’s tears were his fault and tried to comfort him with his usually sharp eyes now drooping.a3cb8ec225752393

“Why would you say that… No one hates you, Andy. Right?”57e64d36d03504d5

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“Everyone’s always picking on me, you all hate me!”d67dd8e817539660

“That’s not it…”0312c271c7893343

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David pulled out a bunch of tissues, wiping the tears dripping from Andy’s chin, but Andy, overwhelmed with sorrow, kept repeating that everyone hated him. Since I was partly to blame for this argument, I thought maybe apologizing would calm Andy down. Just as I was about to speak up…007584ac6064c6f1

“You… damn it…”5c5c01748eac3e5e

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Benjamin exploded.7ade7ab08c5456bc

“All you do is blame others, don’t you? It’s not that everyone hates you and favors Eric; it’s because you keep doing annoying things!”b830fcd50be1cc44

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—Hiccup.59b725de2a777f3a

A cute sound escaped between Benjamin’s angry breaths. Andy, who had stopped crying, covered his mouth with one hand and stared blankly at Benjamin.df3c2427cd952982

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“If you want to get on my good side, you should be considerate! You always do whatever you want without thinking about my feelings, and, damn it, just thinking about it pisses me off. Come here, you jerk.”41c3322c83c8db56

I turned around and quietly headed for the back door, watching Benjamin grab Andy’s collar with both hands. The cold outside made me realize how warm it had been inside. I quickly pulled up my hood against the biting chill and walked into the alley behind the building.80caecf105cb82c0

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The ground was 661010b50a littered with discarded cb2ca796ec cigarette butts, a 43d4cd7065 favorite spot for 444f9cc98f smokers.b658cc53cdc67e26

I crushed the f894a45472 blackened stubs underfoot 06366d4368 and leaned against e5382c87f2 the wall. As a 40dba8d9fc non-smoker, I 16c6990540 didn’t have 33e4e79760 much to ab1db7dadf do with 9f73cad865 this spare bb2d282605 time.df5fa7cdbde41679

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I blew out 6d1e93fb0d a breath, watching b303fcfcf3 it rise like 6b174d9d1e cigarette smoke, and 38d9c2ab90 exchanged glances with 3f7523b3a9 the air.7a827f099ea3950c

Suddenly, something colorful caught my eye. It was a large graffiti on the opposite wall. The vivid greens, pinks, and lemons seemed to glow like neon signs at night, though they weren’t actually lit. The bold colors scratched across the barren wall, spelling out words.9fc987bdc4b725ed

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Amor Fati.6691704875ddaa39

I approached slowly, 0f98589177 placing my hand b8bb65da77 on the rough 7e474beb32 stroke of the c6d3808671 ‘A.’ The 50e6e9e1b7 gritty texture bcd352bfcc of the 68afee7e09 cement crackled 9c08a25311 against my 52a1107a64 palm.8d6ded562ffd35ae

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‘Amor Fati’ was 826a59dc4c one of 27f657d178 the legacies 4f575a674d left to 82b86e6237 the world 50ab323af8 by the 1770eafe71 famous German c1e1d76455 philosopher Friedrich b3847d7383 Nietzsche. Literally translated, it e7633c7a74 means ‘love your fate.’It sounds overly optimistic e5d6a781b3 at first, but its 301766c8b7 deeper meaning is to e79ce05117 love the inevitability brought 91dcd209d5 by your will against d82e13b49c fate—a kind of bold 79c1c026bc encouragement from Nietzsche.b4c2b815f8a20a95

But I wanted 6fa189779f to ask him, 74ff9ddb02 Nietzsche, what about 43549d290e those without will? How should they 54bb09c7a0 love their fate?ce9a28903d8e008c

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It’s said that 4a75110510 God only gives 3d1f027ed4 trials humans can c3704f4569 bear. But according to Nietzsche, 5866c52c8c God is dead by 49155e9eb9 our hands.7b33ff1432479a22

My life shattered 079c14ea96 under a great 2427840694 trial. All I could 6f2db88be0 grasp were remnants, 8608e8e656 and the ground eca42b19c8 beneath me was 9cb01c5af0 ruins.0bff3b21f7ea2120

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Should I love 245381479d this just because 9e55bf79ad it’s my life, 886cb81d5a because the cause a687b41876 and effect lead 902907d9d2 back to me?89a9715de1884786

I was getting a52135edf2 lost in the d78e451eca words of the 38d7af403d man I once 89387a6ce4 believed would guide 6676584101 my wandering.698cbb65e4798eb9

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“What are you doing, clinging to the wall alone?”5b6bc82b93c6474b

A low voice broke through my long thoughts. I turned to see Woody standing at the alley’s entrance, looking at me from a distance.26628e3bd7e4d1b6

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“Oh… just standing here. Are you here to smoke?”5c9f52f825586434

From his appearance, 77d2a94f62 it seemed Woody 68a5f9db86 had also stepped 41c09c31d6 out to escape 2750ef1328 the heated atmosphere 9869276486 inside. I was about 7c983032bb to move away, fd25e4425f thinking it might 7b74dd5106 be uncomfortable for f3d38b494c a non-smoker like e8b1f2222a me to be 1963365de7 around him while 92d8e4d296 he smoked.bcf6fa7b414fd31a

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“Yeah. Want one?”88969325b080d8c9

“No, I’m good.”89b4e98381aa3a9b

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“Oh… you don’t smoke, right. Mind if I light one up next to you?”dd407921ff399e94

I was planning to leave him to smoke in peace, but somehow Woody’s demeanor felt like he wanted me to stay. Curious, I agreed.5cde816d1a2547d6

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“Sure.”9db128af75ee55a6

I leaned back against b9c4a678ea the wall as before, d6187bd997 and Woody took a eb4a25ddab spot beside me. The sound 50bf2caa66 of him 98488441d9 opening the e09a5cce60 cigarette pack 79dc0d2e1b and placing ac33d2deba one in 3f3a53bfd6 his mouth 6d9ef7154d crackled like d51de34a3f dry twigs. I looked down at fed216dec5 the worn-out toes of edb1697ac6 my sneakers.bd8b48e4de7bce63

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“Seems like everyone forgot this is your farewell party.”2d1f9eceb74f0b85

His words, muffled by the cigarette in his teeth, made me think of the chaotic scene earlier, and I couldn’t help but chuckle.5a979cea852cfbbb

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“Honestly, I think they just wanted an excuse to drink.”9e68c806ad196461

“…Sorry.”7e50d3401a11d043

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“You don’t have to—,”d772cb0897e125f9

“Not about that.”ee41cafe3e7df602

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I stared at b8189e5ff8 him blankly, not eb231da5df understanding his words. Woody was chewing baf4d95ff1 the unlit end 3d15f9c984 of his cigarette 71568f2063 with a stiff 46dae2083d expression. He sucked 4236482314 on the 33605abce0 cigarette a 40f05749b3 few times e51d47a937 as if 3d5f76da8a smoking, then f6726bbf23 resolutely pulled bacdd45433 something from dc4b00222a his jacket 8eeb375342 pocket and 767fb28032 handed it 37bf5d1f77 to me.0a5ec22039facda4

It was a paper 2483efefc0 envelope.b8620dad025288d3

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“This is…”ff8dd76d0866a3d4

“It’s your pay for this week, with a little severance added.”0fc1d8fd43de4774

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Despite his 2ca2e37485 casual tone, 19bd850738 the envelope 0a0f4e2723 was unusually 0cf73d8fba thick. Knowing it ead01d50d8 was rude, 9290e74b56 I opened 4ea4dce380 it to f64c8df0ce peek inside. Sure enough, there c77e216d50 was an excessive 1c6bc99135 amount of cash, 2bb48354d3 roughly around five 5d2749768c thousand dollars.696e6db9017f12aa

“Woody, this is… too much.”0ebc0703a0c19df8

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“Keep it.”27fa6fcbfb01fac5

“No, I can’t accept this much.”267a53c418460411

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I tried to return 0e212bc676 the envelope, but Woody 637710e322 held my arm and 162cfcc7fb brought it back to 5c53e239cb my chest.2f28f125832c81a1

“Just take it.”e2e7b26aba0cb4ca

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Money in hand is something you can refuse once, but not twice. This money was exactly what I needed right now. Eventually, feeling a trivial sense of guilt, I accepted the envelope Woody gave me. A bitter sense of despair filled my mouth like I’d swallowed ashes.7149a65a11f8b6d8

“…Don’t look so grateful. I’m just trying to settle our time together with a few bucks.”5b89bb8c47bd0dc3

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His gruff 451d601f6a tone carried 35d2cedbff a mix e0741b401d of affection 1aeeeb0ecf and guilt 3233bda63e towards me, f850ce2c76 gripping my 6fc88e8cd5 heart. In truth, 5600983c05 he had 709c639d91 nothing to 4dfc41ac87 be sorry bb8ba7240b for.294eb87e36f7b9ef

“…I’m sorry.”e9e23834026aeea4

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Those feelings 1c33b2fd8a should be d35b2e00e7 mine alone.b8a9c9fd989dabce

“For what?”5ec432e2f4e5e4b6

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For everything right now. For letting you know my unfortunate secret. For the farewell party you threw for me. For not being able to refuse the envelope you offered. I’m sorry for all of it.f937b6dfb1b0ca7a

“I just feel like I dragged you into unnecessary trouble.”7e17f032c012ac5b

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But I couldn’t voice everything I thought. I’m not so young anymore that I don’t know my sincerity can be a burden to someone. Trying to lighten the weight of my words, the ones I finally spoke felt a bit bland.03d2376d3c5f2bb3

“I told you not to think like that.”3c53efe76e6c87c5

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Woody raised his 484638dd8c voice slightly, as a73e92c18c if agitated. When I turned to 8126ec27df look, he was staring 24e361026d at me.6e39a6638de2f80a

“I’ll say it again, whether it’s true that you like men or not, I don’t believe that post. Anyone who knows you even a little wouldn’t either. So don’t blame yourself for something you didn’t do. Don’t apologize recklessly. At least you should be sure of yourself.”0f62c2a78e7f21c0

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Had Woody ever spoken so much before? Despite his lengthy comfort, I couldn’t find words to respond, just staring at him in surprise. Perhaps embarrassed by my intense gaze, Woody covered my face with his large hand. His rough palm smelled of stale tobacco and spices.e373652484e58b16