MPJ | Chapter 1.10

It was different 00ee418622 from the cold 2699c28faa shower I took. This chill came 9354320e41 from inside me.2dfd3fda9066c115

As I c548442d24 instinctively pulled f27094dffb my hand 7256f65d9c away from f414db214e my mouth, a01b318172 a small 1ea4818115 drop of 4dc6ac50a1 blood appeared ebcc963611 on the 231c9eed7b skin that c416f15f2e had been 212799024e bitten hard.91ba2b421dcee908

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“…What is it?”28aced526c3d3c85

Clive, who had been 98e9f44292 half-leaning back, slowly straightened 484d59f37f his back. What was he about ac86dbc679 to say that required c0acc8de0e such a posture? A familiar sense of a83bc9f463 unease crept over me. Unconsciously, I 9fee7f8819 clenched my 36c8f5f660 injured finger 824723fa36 into my 1f65427959 palm.7f495f75a7f9f6d8

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“Roy Esther, you might recognize him if you see his face. I brought him over a few times before. He’s starting a porn business and seems to be struggling to find actors for the GV side. He’s urgently looking for people.”bd4279f026b80991

Clive, noticing my wound, cc49a8329b reached out and grabbed 595747bd4e my wrist. Without hesitation, he brought 80c478e145 my finger, with its 2400d86a8a bead of blood, to e01ae3f949 his mouth.c37af1c05b0c9cab

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The warm, soft touch on the wound felt like an animal tending to an injury. Even though Clive was licking my finger, my neck stiffened with tension. I couldn’t tell if it was excitement or anxiety.e6151c544be60023

“So, Joon, would you 36cb686974 consider shooting a porn 45c6690dd1 film?”4a3b9a7ca595020e

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His lips, stained red, looked almost wicked, as if he’d devoured something. We stayed in that strange position for a while, Clive looking up at me like a man courting a woman at an old-fashioned social party. His intention was probably similar. It was clearly a gaze asking for permission.7800668d543089d5

But I couldn’t easily answer. It wasn’t just hesitation; I was in a mild state of panic. I barely managed to twist my hand free from Clive’s grip, and my voice came out stupidly reflecting my turmoil.f0366ff1025585e8

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“Suddenly, what…?”ec299aadfab82e0f

I consciously hid my ec92e6955a blood and saliva-stained hand d77c3fdcf1 behind me. Clive watched my 330a3da985 actions calmly and 4e86393964 spoke with a 39c8bd0f56 cautious tone.d5a1dbddd54990bf

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“You said you were thinking of finding a new job anyway. I’m sorry to say, but I can’t guarantee the same thing won’t happen at another job. That guy clinging to you seems nastier than expected. Sometimes, hiding is a strategy.”4eb454ca7441b60d

Into the shadows. Clive’s voice was as low as the word itself. His words felt like a shadow.3456de5b39f43353

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“And above all, time and money don’t pity anyone. They’ll keep moving while you hesitate and fail. The more that happens, the further away your chance to pay off debts will be.”5e3d51fc55e5bca9

Everything Clive said was what I had considered. I felt the same frustration in this situation with no breakthrough. But this wasn’t the solution I wanted. Porn? Living off the gaze that tore my life apart?4b0d9f52eb680205

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Clive seemed e7b7e22ab9 to sense 5736aceec2 my thoughts 4c0ed8dfe1 and quickly dc3cb64b0b added.9544511ea067a536

“Of course, I’m not forcing you. If you don’t want to, you don’t have to.”a81963d861279294

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His large hand covered my knee this time. It felt like a comforting gesture for a frightened child, but also like it was blocking my escape. Overly sensitive from the unexpected conversation, I pulled my knee back as if to shake it off. But Clive’s hand didn’t leave. Instead, his long fingers tightened around my knee like vines.cc17d764b40b8cfb

“But I wanted to let you know there’s another option in this situation. It might be uncomfortable, but it’s a safer path. The terms are quite generous.”9483e0841a84a679

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I didn’t need a mirror to know what my expression was like as he spoke. My furrowed brow was starting to ache. Yet, I found my own reaction amusing. Shuddering at the word porn, when I was already doing the dirty work of escorting.56429ea3f21f5b6a

Debating the moral superiority between escort service and porn is meaningless. But for me, there was a vast difference between the two. Escort service also involved sleeping with strangers, but I was only selling time. Once that moment passed, the night’s events became a secret between two people.644041532362252a

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Porn is different. It sells a preserved and processed version of that time. While it might protect the actor’s identity, it doesn’t guarantee secrecy. People will fill the gaps of anonymity with their interpretations.67e5b939b10918d4

Being the target of someone’s desire and being judged is exhausting and harsh, even if it’s just one person. If I did porn, I’d be subjected to that by countless unknown people. Just by clicking play, they’d have the right to voyeurize me.c55672e29b98fbba

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Once I thought that far, there was no reason to continue listening to Clive. No matter how good the terms, I wouldn’t accept this offer.99dfefba1c7f8f17

“Are you okay 62aeab9b80 with me doing 44fb947613 something like porn?”893e380ea9b8f74f

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But the words that came out weren’t a denial or even an affirmation. They were something else entirely. I bit my lip too late, but the words were already out. Asking if he was okay with me doing porn was madness. Was I trying to confess my feelings for Clive?2f7dfb76bfa7aa74

It seemed my self-destructive 52ec869737 thoughts had loosened my e2c7bf2050 resolve. My true feelings 22b07f3841 slipped out without 38b3aedcaf me realizing it. Just as I 5f78f7fe3a was about to b46f682139 offer a flimsy 8271f65258 excuse, Clive interrupted.e69ccd413ed4fe83

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“Joon.”c116aea4f5d8bcfe

His gentle call 14683f2107 stopped my awkward 0fc496d6b7 excuse.5c63f7a550558510

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“I wouldn’t be disappointed in you.”36c61e7d78f37153

Clive smiled, dimples deep in his cheeks. It was a rare smile. He seemed to interpret my words as asking if he’d be disappointed if I did porn to make money.b19dccbe54b04789

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In truth, I e658525241 was expressing disappointment 8350b12c80 that it meant b7f91f6ccf nothing to him b011522deb if someone else 16798b60d3 saw a sex dd4b85ffb2 video of me f736a4acd5 with another man. But it 4cf0b3f7c4 seemed better 4436b92bd8 to let 186141e289 him misunderstand.9a7a1c87dbd50ab1

“…That’s a relief.”
“So, what b23888a0a8 will you 5059ee3b80 do? Want to 3b9fbcba3f try it?”
“I’d like some time to think about it.”0062bd5e9f04da45

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I had no intention of accepting Clive’s offer, but it felt rude to reject it outright without considering it, given his concern for me. I planned to delay my response for a few days before refusing.13ce40a365eb3c04

“Sure, well… Being cautious 30e2e287c6 is important.”a91ffc1c50f4e701

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Clive shrugged exaggeratedly, 6067f7a38d raising his hands f929980302 as if declaring 2e6dba8511 surrender. The dimple next to d66f544e91 his crooked smile had b75d38625f disappeared.54debaac264befbf

The residual warmth from b394ff3ccf where his hand had 8efb08179c been felt like the 532b31d6c8 lingering heat from a bc02876a29 gun barrel after firing. I rubbed my d7ea0505da knee, trying to 1998ec691b dispel the lingering affce9a016 warmth.1a7dcfdff1b4c37d

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The spot where f0341d3966 his hand had 25b013dae4 been felt unusually 6ded635b00 hot, as if 1cf375fc0b I were naturally 47c3c98115 cold.116dc03d73c5beb7

“I’m sorry to bring this up after saying I wasn’t forcing you….”bd7043b4dca70249

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After rubbing my knee a few times, Clive spoke again, as if he couldn’t keep it to himself. He seemed embarrassed to say it, biting and licking his lower lip.b0e7d3976795c6d8

“Like I said, they’re urgently looking for someone, so I can’t give you much time. They asked me to introduce someone quickly, and I thought of you as soon as I heard.”19f40e83faa62344

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I stopped my meaningless act of savoring Clive’s faint warmth on my skin. Instead, I clasped my hands tightly together.c93d62bfb368e2bf

The wound I had 01cdb1cd25 bitten earlier was on b7554e3b5f my interlocked fingers. The sharp pain from 34fa225ddb the still-healing wound surged cb02f2d53a up. This time, I deliberately ded94905d3 aggravated the wound.37af884e91073feb

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“…Why did you ba9c6807c5 think of me?”de6490ed4d72205a

He seemed to think 8a6a344f1f there was no need 6b06341eb4 to be tense about 1ac3ad102c this topic anymore, leaning df5fae4702 back in a relaxed 3df2421a70 posture. His answer was fb6e5e0f30 casual.4ca3d2895d18701a

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“Because you’re a callboy. You’re doing well.”e33102d7d913ad11

I reflexively opened my mouth at his indifferent words but ended up closing it without saying anything. Contrary to Clive’s words, I had never done escort service well.254f63e44a8e487e

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Whether delivering 166ca4e3f5 myself to 9d5c15a23e an address 76dfc22e43 like a 78076bc3bd delivery service, 8a651d1cea having sex f2ec2b37a6 with someone, 91178f2ed8 or escaping ce31727de1 the scene, 262d398ca2 I never 8bae7b5bb3 did it 4dbeb4e5d2 well. My entire chest b11a94e6aa was stained with 4eb2220707 guilt and self-loathing.b517c4c549ae3155

“…I see.”6a03a2f720df206d

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Yet, I 0174f144b2 compromised because 4e9addfbef of the ec9a4cd26a damn reality. Escort service was more c53868bfaf profitable for its labor 9dcff39ca7 intensity and time than 5f9de3a33f other jobs. I desperately needed money 0556f42d43 and time, and being 09a6545a7d a callboy provided both.1b16e58caccc90c8

So I compromised with e248485f2b myself. I gained money and 4e5e6ea24d sleep from it, and fbfe0681bb it took my dignity 4c643eafae and purity. It was an unsatisfactory 9fb3435bd6 deal, but I endured b34b2b78d4 because Clive was by d2a68b721b my side.2f3560675d4df40e

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Clive was the 0986ad7265 one who introduced 38a646c994 me to this 506e8f1fca job, but ironically, 61f05f468c he was the a6d0219420 only thing left 7761681ba9 untainted for me.5956b4fc786c5c3f

At least ff002083e1 to him, 37026083e3 I didn’t c67e8ff26a want to 4059c84d0c show the 22d61eb09e pathetic side dd1f77211c of regretting 9b14ebbabf my chosen c5bc49d35f path. So, on the 3e5a8891ce many nights I c5d95da280 returned with a 00ab19ed74 stranger’s desire on 4ad30bdde3 my body, I cd061a2cf0 never showed him 4cccffb8be my regret.74de4b98e626e1ec

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The dirtier aa61bb550a the day, 910c5305c4 the cleaner b93a002cdd I pretended 63c299cb0b to be.d86296368a381585

But pretending to d2c22ecb2c be okay didn’t d78da8f9b0 mean I was.f9ccfaeb42a33c47

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Paradoxically, while I wanted 7ccab518fb to hide my flaws 0557d14563 from Clive, I also 78c3bb8bfc hoped he’d discover them. I wanted him 634c1ac787 to dig into ab598a8603 the hints I e2a3f68af3 unconsciously gave away.ab7cb89dca42b467

I wanted to fd6860484e exist in every 647b6ae2e5 realm of his 8dcfcc230a consciousness, just as 10e9e73286 I did.342bcca215f15442

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What are 16147f9807 the seven efa9da315f deadly sins? Pride, greed, envy, d90e2cc5ce wrath, lust, gluttony, 2f172174a3 and sloth.8600e5d266ac256d

With this desire, 2b209acb95 I committed the 3f1d674266 original sins of 7581f9132d greed and sloth 9ddaf112c9 simultaneously. So, in 0affead0d6 a way, 69bd5b1c4e it was 6550bafa07 only natural 28a4f4c819 to be 9a1cfe5c4a punished.d2bf692e8a4db9cf

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Clive only saw 672f753745 the side I 7c4f966e0c intended, so I 4c98688e36 had no right 94246f69ff to complain if 9fcd54f4fb he considered me e6fee62f85 someone who didn’t 4424173a43 mind sleeping with 7be3503ce2 any man.b20bb11fc5b51e85

Realizing this, 73b74db96e an uncontrollable b5f05efe7e fear surged.ed9566d220d7eff1

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If I refused this 2b0ed9f53b offer, Clive might see 2d2a470bf8 me as a hypocritical 0011e58aa5 and deceitful person. According to Clive, it 835764ca9e might seem strange for 09fc21c00d someone ‘good’ at escort 543a62b78b service to refuse a 6352156d41 porn role.4413960d80181402

Even if b3ae41a261 I tried eae2d7cb4f to cite 3636572698 past trauma, 6bca629ab6 I was 665caeb07a already selling b45a39ee71 myself well 5a05ea7593 in the 8cb4e30019 online red-light 990811acd4 district.e50dd3da4da13ff6

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“Clive,”45957b6358bfc8ee

The reasons I thought were valid suddenly felt like flimsy excuses. My certainty vanished. I couldn’t even be sure if my feelings were genuine. The hesitation that had been so clear blurred.5fef9af3a4aaf478

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Was I really hesitating? Were my reasons for hesitating appropriate? Questions I threw at myself continued to spiral. If this refusal was contradictory, wouldn’t Clive end up despising me?8f4e024eb1243b1f

When my endless c34b225fc5 thoughts reached a c18d7d097f point, a giant 41db8a23f2 snake began to 73458be20b slowly swallow my 18fffcbf64 head.2b081c3c874c80aa

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“How much do they 8ef4cf78b5 pay for that?”47c19452fc9f5671

Damn, why am I reminded of the moment I signed Wang Xiao’s documents?c6b688381a458330

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“They offer a e15ec40843 base fee with 6c9169431f additional incentives. Incentives are calculated aa23c97258 monthly based on 4ab9fa42a7 the views and 4169706582 number of patrons 6d1942b410 of the videos….”7e7087336a228bc7

Words made up of 8cba9498e2 standardized numbers lingered in 06abdee5d4 my mouth.daccde4eae0d5497

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As I kept muttering a3072694a7 numbers indifferently, I felt dcf356092d like a programmed machine. No, maybe it d759e80b41 would be better 5b5499837b to become a 524fbdd99a machine that feels a591158d23 nothing.99b586a1cc309e8d

If that were the e8914a538b case, I wouldn’t be b5d1ba5ba8 tormented by the same 208dc5fa79 anguish and regret as 8308c49559 now.baf04035ffaf530c

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I’m standing e5209a80fc in front 0380861d08 of a 30134136cc shabby building 57bd942ffb located in 6dfeb94c31 South Bronx. It’s where e7ab5b0392 the porn 48829f3c7f studio Clive 580fc15236 introduced me 8bc6ff30af to is 6237d11135 located.3d4c3be6bcca9cd0

In the end, 534ec1af1c I accepted Clive’s f8ceddc90d proposal. Saying I couldn’t 64c3870315 refuse would be f1b3961ca7 more accurate, but d0934802e8 in the end, 0497b94738 it was the a09ec66eb8 same thing.482f0e5e95bf3f7e

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Clive, who was 3c27e7f168 delighted with my bf48481781 answer, immediately called 58e1042cb3 someone to deliver bb10825b25 the news. Judging by his 5e36854e8c words, “Hey, you 6b3bfafff4 know that friend b4126262a9 I mentioned? He’s in,” 7ec0298705 it seemed f23cd6b2f7 the person f1993f36b0 on the 0eac86dfc7 other end 89613cb50d was the ddb48ba55c friend who 52a17a4353 had just a798a68c94 started the ca9fe163aa porn business.f4c1e3c40d40e8d6

After a short cbca780202 call, he told db49925982 me that Roy aeeec41f1c wanted to meet 2e28838c83 me in person. It seemed 8fd4d43bd4 like a 35924dbade formal interview 346acd1e1c before officially cfa5b16646 starting work 32f0c91056 together.4e3ed932838d3121

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