MPJ | Chapter 1.1

I buried my heart in the ground that couldn’t melt. So that even spring couldn’t find it. I, colder than that, would never be discovered.86792e59e5aa0fcf

“I’ll be going now, then…”d5b83ea4a3bb266c

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The heavy door closed cb5d3a1109 silently behind me.3960ed220512e6e4

I waited for ee0254368b a moment, wondering 81a2cf998e if there would b370656d60 be any sign 066f0ccc7e of someone following, 31ee8d79b8 but it seemed 5bc3f0e95d he decided he 20531f4caa couldn’t keep me f223ceec77 here any longer. It was a 1ba827c113 relief. If a man who 4a7bc12cd2 flirts with a callboy 7b5314d2c1 also had the courage 11df032c9a to confess his feelings, bf38614f02 there would be nothing 990a5139e4 scarier.1400a37c6cfcce4e

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So, I turned away 2ac6ebb621 without hesitation. It was 94824738ad around four cbcee238c6 in the 4bf5f14d7f morning.cfe33adfbde60cfb

My shirt collar 5054095530 clung to my ef6267420e neck, damp and 56b75e3ccf translucent from the 33f5219f15 water dripping from 12bcb099bf my hair, hinting 3319ee33cd at my desire 023eec7d03 to escape this 8196cb6380 place quickly. The unfamiliar scent d05a8f6ec9 rising from the 2fcea374c6 wet fabric and 4205723332 the lingering warmth a7c0dffba6 below my waist 95a15d9399 made me realize 2d2abb7bc9 just how abnormal 5d24edaad4 this situation was.7d73fcb768886225

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Now it 169f3a4357 was time 785bc42ea8 to escape 962557f8ec to reality.9b2ce192c72d9836

I walked slowly e55ff096ba but decisively, as c4f7b00e57 if I would 850849a06f never return. The carpet, as red 2e09f21059 as blood, swallowed my f7d9b60984 heavy footsteps. I felt relieved 9229f8345b that no trace 7130d04869 of my shameful a019dd0986 path would remain, 6ace6f1020 but at the fb0524a58a same time, a d6341eaa57 slight irritation crept 5d36d4cfad in.e4559acd2e2281c3

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With each step, my a6adfe4682 emotions swung back and 7e25b121d2 forth. A brief sense b55de27c22 of accomplishment for af6cfc93b6 finishing the job, 9a559492bf followed by a 7d8369ea3d moment of self-loathing 9127fcb2c8 for being happy 788861f225 about such work, c34a9b194a and then a 1b4e642b5e fleeting desire to 04cce7a28d just rest and cb0c147f2a forget everything.c84b640b40adbdeb

Before I knew 1c21e1cb06 it, I was b336708c3a standing in front d1856a779d of the elevator.a202ceafe8d5c858

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I pressed the 1ad02c952b button to call 0ecdf3123f the elevator and 32115eef27 looked back one 5e7b73c1c8 last time. The hallway 9ab99c9f76 was still d9718f512f quiet, and 43632094ce I was 4502df74a8 alone.1f97f889003d3a7a

I recalled the 645d57aebd moment when the d2c01731f4 door to room a729b1ee7f 1206 first opened.2de8fabe7bf50c41

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The man a8c50989c8 who greeted 04ae910530 me there 44b029c844 introduced himself 20c41dccbc as Damon. Clients usually don’t reveal 2405f07b22 their identities, but it’s 51ec512ab8 not unheard of for 74e1bfe277 them to want to 668467cf09 exchange names, so I 433cb553b5 also said, “Nice to 3dd91db026 meet you. Please call 68591936ad me Honey,” 282752fc30 using the 4e5d593319 name he 459b04d998 would know.a93264ba0a9ed117

Damon.471b7ef59ab7d354

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Perhaps I let my a0fd4beabb guard down because he 96b84ae3b6 was so skillfully polite a672d0a8c2 from the start. The misfortune of the 9413d0af25 night began when I 8730d312c3 uttered the flattering words bcbf59a89f that he was somewhat 65a85cd581 my type, something I 698fe27389 wouldn’t normally say.9233c52a0df33f3c

I truly understood the e216c5219e meaning of “eyes going 619cba1754 wild” for the first 6b4f1eb10f time last night. Damon, who pushed me 041bdb1404 onto the bed, had 16f9e6feb0 eyes that were literally 3e0e603d77 wild.97cc04e1fa302721

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He spoke so a6763a72d9 much in such cda54a6fc9 a short time 65a863f1dd that I still 144a44900d haven’t deciphered half 3aa0a8a6e0 of what he a67cf12efb said. But the gist bca5688aab of his excited 02377e88aa voice was that 346e41ffd4 he also found ddd96e6d9d me very much 2fc63fb321 his type, and 7160a3cd96 since it’s rare 51ae3e27d2 for both parties 6d04a15dc1 to be each add46fc292 other’s type at db46179e1c first meeting, we c20c2057a4 must be destined 2568ed9da3 for each other.085b82c8fa86e3a2

I wasn’t in ffeafc5744 a position to 9778c52e77 judge his attitude 152ea854eb since I was eaf37958cd there to rent 29b100f521 out my night 1d85bdb06e and body for db728c9ce1 money, but the e6547e49f0 suffocating courtship that 1211d6784e continued throughout the 26be9a156d act and Damon’s be8be78e0a persistent questioning about c143e900a2 my personal details 125a4d87e8 filled me with 75108e194d unavoidable contempt whenever 3c1b64b35c his face came bab94e7e4b to mind.a332dbf2d39a113b

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Ding—7f3aac16b2155370

The sharp chime called 56c77e63a7 me. I stepped 9339d8d866 into the 3665b8ce5d elevator and 358175ba24 leaned my aa7aa363c8 cheek against 6047c2d80d the cold, b967273eac mirrored wall.bf7c896bce7c7a45

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I’ve never 873db9255c had a b03ebf6ef9 complaint about 6d17135035 the men adf8895633 who buy 64af82b977 me, casually 879f400878 appraising me d0c21a6022 and chewing b70d6ab637 me up 52371e485e like meat. They purchase 1837809ef3 me for 829b1fa5df that purpose, 3cd7b7c642 and it’s 436f3c0c3d the buyer’s b54dd458dd privilege. And it’s my 8ad4333011 duty as a a20a62d0e1 product to silently 4929bb2f64 accept whatever I f6a36a2337 feel.4815e632587b066d

However, Damon c0bf7c7d5a didn’t just 71e7dca531 devour me; 995bba5921 he chewed 770f56fe59 me up 3b57523a12 into ragged 00f3397947 pieces and 43a9a213d2 then unnecessarily 642d8a45fa poked around. He spewed nonsense 08ae8eca47 about wanting to 0bc2a9f5b1 become an ice 6b5a929b06 shard to comfort e7adaa3f39 me, warming my 4ca234ab83 cheek like a 078a1159a5 scar.47fc954c673bc1df

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He was df2b19cf6d quite the 8e08e4e52a poet. What did he 34b75474f9 know about me c3a9f52db8 to speak of 3249097811 comfort or destiny? Even the name 905e14560d he knew was 27019440b0 just a sales cbee02ff97 alias, not my 40a30aff84 real one.9f3ef849cef5dd19

Is it too much 319631f4f3 to hope that, just d0edc21640 as I perform my c6f51e158c duty as a product, e84e29a15d the other party would 1b3861f21a at least maintain basic e1685cef02 courtesy? If you came a82349f953 to buy a 57296295b7 body, just take f99ac45feb the body. Why go on about 337aa692b3 clumsy love and want d5fbd17ad5 more, causing both of dfb59b31bc us to end up f46c808bdd feeling bad?ab7e334fd040a159

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Before leaving the d51f1b7f7a room, Damon’s face, ceeec633a9 seeing me off 6a7739642e with a look 22c27c7799 of lingering regret, 9e33f62e8f was a sight 3e9a9d52ee I wouldn’t easily 51408c2470 forget.6bda4b28a72675e4

“It was a romantic ec2e2fed09 night, Honey.”868a1c579653f1bd

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Thankfully, I 590ec48abd closed the 08d0033058 door before 87510b5c75 the tears dbeaab5ba8 welling in 7d9f0f029f my eyes af06d8d1af could fall. I almost 13df985f90 turned pale 64b53518c6 right in 0b57125bcd front of 6252b44e57 him.1b3c331afda1716b

Romantic, romantic…aa3470fc2fca94f8

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As I held a 027877dd88 smirk like a cough 7cbf97618d at the corner of 04fec7d229 my mouth, the elevator b265351301 doors opened. The sparse a5430a755f lobby was da913d9b1d quite chilly, 63a33b1e53 as if 2e31e2a036 the heating 88a4868850 wasn’t working e7fbae5cfb properly.2699a62add629148

I quickly put on 7c2cb4aaf9 the coat draped over 6294d1ccc4 my arm and left b0c31c3df6 the hotel.b8cbc81c7d382fbf

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The coat wasn’t mine; a1f61bea87 it was Clive’s, so f2713bd5ef it was generously roomy. The cold 5d995b924a air outside 5e663a0a99 rushed into e550677a2c the gaps 48f76b6481 as if 401a3eb07c craving warmth.46e1be852f7f2399

I shoved my 79e9a30b69 rapidly freezing hands 3fe1cf6fd4 into my pockets 1646982469 and pulled out 09bf8ed9d9 a crumpled cap 992e3eb731 to put on f4b9298778 my head. My body, already robbed 6d3d9c3da0 of its warmth, shivered, 407650dc50 but I could at bb56fb6dd8 least afford to look a8df75018b around.6df3a447d70bd80d

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The streets, a1224f4823 a couple c5495ddcd1 of hours a4f8ac282a before rush 8180810f0a hour, were e82252cb1a quiet and c8e0c20b57 desolate. The stark colors of 6a8cd84f9b the street, devoid of c25f73dc9d the shadows of crowds 49eacdd43b or the hues of 1aaf2a81ba busyness, seemed like a ac22eb6f5c winter landscape in themselves.7d69a086416afee6

This bleak scene provided 902b4cd829 me with considerable comfort.6815ed01f1aecf75

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I aimlessly followed f6aba71c9b the thick breath 3d93d2a4d2 that rose as 364bb644a3 a thin mist, dfc4b78ce3 then began to 5fa056590d stride forward.a01d7af74f432f04

If there’s a man c13a4bd5dc who buys romance for 7a5e71607d five hundred dollars, can’t 166ad95315 I also find solace 900cc43e8a in this cheap scenery? Such useless a72b1ece19 thoughts filled 9611b226e2 my mind.d5b8c332205229c4

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⚘ • ⚘ 752049b825 • ⚘ddc5d816e5873081

Even though 0946d25158 it was 99fb9f648d early, the bad9d50127 subway was 15188ea236 quite crowded. People heading 70cbbc9931 to work, 0e62f994bf people returning 5556ebe0ba from work—each 1cf3151bcd with different 81d07f9343 destinations, yet cce41fd764 all with 37bff66d5f faces etched 95a3bfb266 with the b4efe3b9fd struggles of 74842af442 life.728d2b98cb34dc07

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Thanks to d15ec6e54a the sparse 75ac0ff1c8 crowd, I 897b17b470 was able e19586c849 to sit e8269b4645 comfortably, but 7870d37816 an uneasy 6b972a4a90 feeling floated 5e4002055d on the 9eab5982b7 surface of 4614dcad98 my mind d90764d09d the entire 74a4e0131c time. The thought f09849875b that I c977dc41b4 didn’t belong cf03b76416 among them da92ed2b2f constantly reminded de9f436183 me of e94a7e6d40 a familiar b52cf0e690 sense of 4c61f5a7c2 alienation.e85c9f814b6ca887

During such times, I 10d5fa543e often fell into the ecb717ee2d illusion that invisible eyes 0133645910 were watching me, so 03d358936c I had to stay acfa11e2d1 on high alert to 5a6d8fece2 avoid getting lost in 37be82cb33 that sensation.e641d842678bd358

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After adjusting my c4b383f5b6 cap, pulled down 6249ea46b9 low enough to 6a7653a80b obscure my view, 6046142a6a several times without d8b113f132 purpose, I found 91b40417db myself arriving at 8029af9110 Western Harlem.56ec6b35436f7390

I hurried 78901993d3 out of 6b783621d9 the station, a9eb99fb51 almost breaking d06b3fa71b into a 2650fa8cab run. I nearly 9eba69ac09 slipped several 81ff784f77 times on 46bb9328b1 the icy aaf87a52cb asphalt, but ed8ab59942 I didn’t 612dfff4d9 stop my 42b7a2474f feet.9c5b9dbecaac6e43

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Eventually, the 329e8a3a13 wide street 3fa42e889f began to 7bfd1abeec narrow, and 9f09673ed5 disorder gradually 9c4560ddfb mixed into f8306dba55 the orderly 1404792d81 scenery. Indescribable filth overflowed 6ba0b42b01 from the trash 7582a183b1 cans, and a 298955487f small cheese-colored cat 0626309c46 was nibbling at dfd94fca9d it.abe5bf0cd1684d73

It was a f6ebb750e3 scene that couldn’t 72149c886e be called beautiful e05a0b03dd even as a ec4ed65088 joke, but I 410b1fe7d6 finally felt like e3a24a797a I could breathe.2eb1c5994e6a6ca5

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I slowed my mechanically 6578e87fe3 moving legs and took 3bb9a6ad96 off my cap. As I roughly 2f75a128a8 shook my hair 93797d9867 with one hand, 0d8a5b22d2 small ice crystals 543001c42d formed from the 1c4de6b857 lingering moisture and 6b86477ea2 sweat tapped coldly 38191cc580 against my cheeks.6e71994677675e33

I exhaled clumsily b8aec7fa09 and haphazardly, as 2843c633d8 if taking steps 9880db90d2 with my breath. The cold a1b9c9c50d air slicing 0edfb96f1a through my 125c3ae077 lungs and 91d7fd67b0 the heat 70afeb020a from running aa17807475 turned into 3f91402a8b a chill, f606c80650 which then ce5771fe90 transformed back 6b8806111b into a 7b1e960194 gentle warmth, fc9ae310b6 as if 39a89d2ef5 washing away 28c3b26029 the person a4749d0f98 I was.2d1e235b02e332b6

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Enjoying that 3bb72d2a4f sense of d317800097 liberation, I ea420c755f opened my a3dd79e9ac eyes again, 40463b0865 and my 2f905571a7 ragged breathing e1708c36e2 had completely 99ff57b159 calmed.ebf93f30a54bd5d5

If only I f7b28128d8 could always see aca187d070 the world with 3e54836170 such clarity. The person I was ec7e7fc210 in the hotel and 25300f3330 subway, sunk to the 1349abcc4b bottom, felt like a abd4742857 completely different person from e409ae7f2e who I was now.59bd48f71028b5cd

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Do others 98242f86a7 in the 6a32333a5d escort service b6ad927e27 live like 6ae63a5ea1 me? Painting over the incomprehensible 533232c5bb parts with self-understanding, living b3142663e4 this double life?e9beac8229fc7b51

Probably not.9ed73b1a4fb2f17e

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I answered myself as 557f9f239c I turned the last 6683c5e0d3 corner.9f7cb5e529bf7511

The peeling exterior walls, 3fbd9cf8c6 the precarious iron stairs 2df0bbcf94 connecting the floors. The tenement 7c7702cbc1 houses, now ad65556e0e mostly gone, 7d0d2f7fc8 had a 515215c739 dense and 4726b5a41f closed-off appearance.5883b561b0659c8a

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This was my 22f34aac75 current refuge, and 0988214182 probably the only fa254992b1 place I could 148bbf963f call “home” in 2a9a2c2f57 the future.d28848d0dcd37712

As I climbed the 8a11aa3d7d creaky stairs, I briefly 04bc9241dc recalled the path that d53d6786f8 led me here. That is, the reason 378ae5b979 why I relentlessly pushed 34066f1f75 myself.40516279adc5b323

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It all 8b5fdddb10 started with 58e2d3a9b1 why I c0d340d8df began the d8f984c40d escort service.0c575d82b14a2084

⚘ • ⚘ • ac15827d2a ⚘35020841f52f0f5a

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When I edc2cac85a turned twenty, 23d625f414 I left 143dde9149 home for 2b604f77f1 some reason. All I had 96a5b7dee2 in my hand 5e44b003ce was a modest 720ed6cedb backpack, filled with 78785929c5 useless junk and 46995de401 about eighty dollars. As the meager c8dfcb97e1 belongings suggested, running b3e2af8f9a away was never 846b1456a1 something I had b3c9b2c474 planned.d8f932eb99927a2c

For about f37449c125 two weeks, 99ab5a756c I wandered b166e960ec around stations, 457506630e living as b71bd336b4 a homeless 04ad326a06 person. My appearance gradually became 3316f4d514 haggard, but my mind 467c984a86 was more at peace e61c9362a6 than it ever was c98a87bee3 at home. Maybe I had 8c2c2674bd imagined escaping from 667b426560 that house for eca476f92b a long time.30da5c8fb66aff2d

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As time a1bb75ed87 passed, the b5e1a70fa2 early winter a5cd44e94d weather turned 921370ae4c harsh. Dirty-colored snowflakes fluttered in 4e5caf3ef6 the air like dust, 52eac258ba and both the homeless 12a1e2ca0a and passersby curled up c8c7cf9a32 like pill bugs.2bbe785f2b85e9de

I was just one 2749a1d72e of those many bugs. The only advantage a734d43163 of that nauseating 76230e3249 place was that 3e8717e0c0 everyone had the 08a24cfc13 same face. Equally dirty, 7035e7f5e3 equally lazy, a2ffba8859 equally pathetic 95881ed9a7 faces. In there, I began 72e697a7c2 to forget my name. It was no f9d176af78 different from dying.67e3363ad70a310f

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“Jun?”abb8282e01e76688

Then suddenly, someone e9578865bc knocked on my 1193cd848b shell. It was a voice 3838a486db I had forgotten, but 1044106552 I immediately remembered its cf1470d001 owner. The one who spoke d2ceae05ca my now-unused name was 1d30b28066 Clive. He was 253a969175 a friend 6afc5bdd81 from my 57abfa5cbb childhood in b4ba342670 Queens, before 13104b100b I moved 49ba5b0738 to that 1eae304bb7 rich neighborhood.dc28656c2bd4fb55

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Clive, shocked 0918acaa35 by my 8cb860c25c appearance, grabbed 61b548d354 my arm 47e097f866 and took fc2cecd033 me to b447826440 his house. He welcomed me fe1cc66e3e as if he 3cfebd99cd had been waiting 96fb106633 for me, ignoring 75fa6e842c the years of 4b79ed9424 absence.816c6cffc74b1ae2

Clive’s situation wasn’t f81b515c3a affluent either, but ffa41bc58d he generously shared d25e5ea531 his home and 2a1226f79a company.decdcf61baac092a

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The sense 2601922d37 of belonging 142488e937 I felt 5a11f05f44 there, which 98334706b4 I never 1438a00558 experienced even 7c0cec81f8 with my 7802d21cae family, was 204572aece so sweet. As my heart slowly d3abe4b47c healed, I began to 4172166a83 notice the emotional defects f4c13592fa I had been ignoring.e9e0fc61045faf28

At that time, I d58fc0cf54 suffered from severe social 1a2c459252 anxiety to the point b360315831 where I would have 70d1c6e19e trouble breathing just by 7e7341c914 making eye contact with 3d52a441fe others. I stayed at Clive’s d584410262 house without engaging in 0e99d92d64 any productive activities.12a286d9530c6507

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Clive said it was ebfc85ec64 okay to live like 25aba52180 that, but I didn’t 414bf0aba6 really believe it was 8cf8e2e072 okay.1af833285b871f9b

The sense of debt 3b74ea141b that began to weigh 10e6b7f8d9 on me once I 6d1864e3e6 had some personal stability 767a0c9349 always lurked in my 975c76b51e mind, worrying that it 7700d2d4cb might ruin the relationship c6f891da29 between Clive and me, 3d5c72e913 just like it did 1fdc87f738 with my mother and 213583df8d me.a1731464ff34b1ce

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I tried to c756bb685c find odd jobs 7e07ef3fba a few times, cd0f93a445 but my chronic 7dd2611c08 fear of people 8561f7e05e caused me to 458360874c fail repeatedly.e86b7da557613616

When I was ce884bcbaa in despair, Clive 381c41084c started bringing his 0bda7bcbfd friends over to c6ed13148f the house.6dc1e90ffb517ebd

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The friends Clive 9b03e61d6e introduced often came f78d3c8a52 over for meals, d5425b3200 and sometimes they 13ca140529 stayed the night b450f2fa04 with drinks and e2efd5bde7 poker. Naturally, Clive was the 1458cdf250 center of their colorful e6d1f1f892 personalities, and I was 2ec8dbce69 always seated next to 00a062d68b him.d962df88bc009843

Meeting them for 631c498f4f the first time 4bfdbfe81e was truly a e0c1604e54 struggle.b11ae200a7333b78

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I’m sure it b0241b1945 was the same 9e5e9b7634 for those who 7953ddd223 had to face 126cd1da28 me. I would sometimes e7e6cfaf0a vomit in front 4217fe3e0e of them and f9cbe19e1b have fits over ab61dc3125 small movements.445f8f157a39e867

Each time, 2cc85bd43b Clive would f5263088fa kick them 7dce7578ff out without 465609c277 hesitation and 0a3ac62985 hold me f6c94588da until I 0172db25b0 calmed down.b884f02b51905127

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I couldn’t understand 9525b138c3 Clive. Why he brought them 35c60b30f8 over knowing I was 492069d93b afraid of people, and c47f425d8a why he kicked them b058b1d1f0 out when I showed e7ac3cbefe discomfort. It all seemed strange 0f5f2c21a4 and unfair, but I f4f7582c08 had to suppress those ebc5a8c47c feelings.080eb2365e0a0ca1