MLCD Chapter 4.2

“It feels good to speak. Don’t you think so too?”1842f651dfc6b171

The man asked. He blinked. He hadn’t noticed until just now, but the man’s speech had suddenly become more casual¹.898769130e4ae865

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The man 5599fe52d4 quickly noticed 229eecb4bd what was 6a6a2b0ac0 bothering him.06e5ed8db4f26606

“What? You don’t like me speaking casually to you?”d8b9c399f39f26e1

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A refreshing voice.It’s incomparably clearer fe42ae1e54 than my dry 7dcd391765 voice that sounds c21bc2045f hoarse.As he 2f283e97a8 did nothing 9fff62976b more than 23c360be40 blinking, the d9cbbde94d man playfully a4820bb1a0 wrinkled his b0baa8da9f nose.41a2b855ecbd93c1

“Even if you don’t like it, what can you do about it? Someone’s been speaking casually to me from the very beginning, so it’s only fair that I do the same, don’t you thinkIt’s difficult to 3e2bd26301 tl this in c1f4c921ec English but welp. Since they’ve met, d1ef8227bd Shavonne has been 3b773730a9 talking in a 0f38a17a99 polite way to 9369aa355d him since they’re e283a5ffdd ‘strangers’ and not f0e2212295 that close but 1258f37215 all the words 42134b5eb5 Lewellyn has said d65846f31e rn are in 85e0c9d42e a very informal 27102bc38a way, only used 0ab68cd04c with people you’re 25e79dbf2d close with, so b435f7ab4f when Shavonne heard 64247003ec him talk like 01f270630e that, he switched 2cf8f810dd to doing that fc0631bd9b too.²”3aeb2e2c65ea7f85

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‘Don’t you think?’ was a phrase that demanded a response, but he remained silent without showing any reaction, just as he had been doing all along. He didn’t want to speak. For two reasons.de3ad875df96f77c

The first one has been explained already: speaking made him dizzy, nauseous, and break out in cold sweat as if he was going to vomit. The second was a newly formed reason: he didn’t want to let out his dry, hoarse voice in front of the man. He was embarrassed.13b62c0d2dbd58cc

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“…Alright. If you don’t want to speak, I can’t force you.”c80e24be4f31b705

The man seemed disappointed. The man was trying to speak cheerfully as if he wasn’t disappointed, but in reality, he was. It was clear even to him, who was not good at reading people’s faces. He was restless. Have I disappointed 449d4689db him? Have I disappointed 1decdcab24 him because I 370ac5fcda stayed silent?384ec0465894a41c

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The man 8ce801b182 was about 54bf2d8d00 to turn 110208f3af away. His shoulders, 41057357c3 facing the fee600f917 iron door, 9b5d915f07 were drooping d5f6a50ef0 lifelessly. He opened his b7fadb390c mouth. His body moved ahead 97179b6d07 of the thought that 2ffe76a885 he might get dizzy, 294b697aa3 nauseous, and break out 6b6643ddc1 in cold sweat.06fc8e0372f53034

“Don’t you think?”4728ddad0c0c81d8

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The man turned back to look at him. His face was unsure, as if wondering if he had heard wrong. He wanted to let him know that he hadn’t, so he opened his mouth again.099824c896339bb3

“Don’t you think?”0972c3a2af533b98

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The man, who was about to ask “What?”, stopped. He seemed to have belatedly realized that he had simply repeated the end of what the man had just said, that is, the ‘don’t you think?’ at the end of “Someone’s been speaking casually to me from the very beginning, so it’s only fair that I do the same, don’t you think?”21c73dba7b07bd5c

He had spoken, despite the dizziness, nausea, and cold sweat, despite the embarrassment, but what if it hadn’t conveyed the fact that he absolutely didn’t want to disappoint the man? He was anxious. He wondered whether he should say “Don’t you think?” again or not.5cd55305776d9526

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Then, the man burst out laughing with a “Pffft.” He was dumbfounded. He just looked up at the man, who wouldn’t stop laughing, with blinking eyes.b53b20766a2398a3

The man couldn’t stop laughing for quite a while. Whenever he tried to stop laughing, he would look at him and laugh as if sobbing, then try to stop again but look at him and gasp as if he couldn’t breathe, then try to stop again but look at him and bury his face in his hands, his shoulders shaking.56be3c16b8ab7ef1

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He frowned. When guards had pointed at him and burst into laughter, mocking him, he hadn’t felt anything, but when the man burst into laughter, he felt terrible. No, to be precise, it was because he didn’t know why the man was laughing. He was angry because he didn’t know what the man liked, what he disliked, what made him cry, what made him laugh. He was angry because he didn’t know the man.84c484451c63610f

“Why are you laughing?”854e639f524858ae

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He said. As always, when 10e995994d he spoke, he 7f8d3dd053 felt dizzy, nauseous, 346467a388 and broke out 1da5fab4aa in cold sweat, 32fed5baa5 but fortunately or c175c16e2a unfortunately, it was 6bcf089707 less so than a25a78de99 before.cbcfa4d7a6604487

The man 84f7968ac5 finally stopped af5bfac78d laughing only c9f775e31a after hearing a904b1eb86 the question. However, there 797ba5382d was still 0b1339db83 a light 4eee7b76d0 hint of 581e3a0e61 laughter in 83f68f1533 his voice.966ea35f4e1192da

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“I’m sorry, you’re just too…”4dd968ec5e9bcfb1

The man started a4831e7f33 to answer but b156b4766d stopped.You’re just too what?While waiting b002a94672 for the 23cdfb135f rest of 634efcab0a the sentence, dfc15a143c the man 1dbab9f368 waved his 1250f340cf hand as bb495bbdc1 if he 95df949b09 hadn’t said f7bb04ba04 anything.c8d20583a647ada0

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“It’s nothing.”1df022a10616810c

Before he could press further (or more accurately, before he could recall what words to use to press further), the man left the room. Just before opening the iron door, he turned back and said goodbye. “I’m going.” Then, as if realizing he had said the wrong thing, he immediately corrected himself. “I’ll be back.”a0e4d4870f0f84ae

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There was a clank as the iron door opened and closed, and the man’s back disappeared. As always, he was left alone in the solitary cell. But he wasn’t left lonely. Because the man’s promise to come again was left with him.2a5b54a0963e3835

That night, he didn’t sleep and mulled over the words the man had said to him. If words were tangible, their corners would be worn out from being thought about countless times.816b9cac6c359bad

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‘It feels good to speak. Don’t you think so too?’ It would have been nice if at that moment he had answered, “Yeah, I think so too.”3fb30c38c84f9ea1

‘What? You don’t like me speaking casually to you?’ It would have been nice if at that moment he had answered, “I don’t dislike it.”6f4b0c3c37062eaf

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Just like 3639534990 the man db65ca3d2d doesn’t suit 292ca07d60 the words ec45c4dd4c “poker, knife, 04fca7b6db baton”, I 914e817d78 wish I 3caaa6a161 had told 9c33fe04c5 him that cea3180b5e he also 1ff1b4c01d didn’t suit a3888eacff the word 0ea6d75666 “dislike³”.22c6d00e82f76439

‘Even if you don’t like it, what can you do about it? Someone’s been speaking casually to me from the very beginning, so it’s only fair that I do the same, don’t you think?’ It would have been nice if at that moment he had asked who this ‘someone’ was.dac01c795a7334e4

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It would have been 6dd789f4ba nice if he had 982aa45d43 asked what casual speech 05fdb472ed and polite speech were. (If adding a 850e1bf687 letter at the a75b0f45a5 end of a 19bf8ff428 sentence is calledpolite speech⁴) It e1c14f1b9f would have eed05b2fb2 been nice f98a326470 if he a521f15f5c had asked 9a42e38a5d to be 6903b13983 taught the b55fae7c34 differences and 5d44a765cd whether he 34f8fa1ba3 should use 244f6ecb23 casual or 6aa2248083 polite speech 51556c4684 so that 244e6e04fa the man 7847f2237b could like 24884ea7c3 him.efb8085573f4c8bc

He raised his body, which was curled up at the edge of the room. It was a problem worth considering. The man was happy when he spoke. That was clear. However, he couldn’t even guess whether the man would be happier if he used casual speech or rather he’d prefer polite speech.e162aa628a499077

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As he pondered, he began to practice both casual and polite speech. He moved his lips, spitting out one syllable, one word, one sentence. When he spoke that night, he didn’t feel dizzy, nauseous, or break out in cold sweat. It was strange. But he didn’t think deeply about it. Everything had been strange since meeting the man, so if he were to question strange things, there would be no end to it.e38f31b2e379e40d

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The man would open the iron door, and he would be silent. “You won’t even greet me?” He’d grumble, and then there was silence. “Well then, hello to you too. I hope you’re doing well.” He’d greet him, and silence again. The time he spent together with the man had always been the same. That is, until yesterday.e6fe9751641fee17

With a heavy clunk, the iron door opened, revealing a familiar silhouette – the man. Though his legs were not fully functional, and he could only move his head, his heart had already sprung up to greet the man. Before the man could even greet him, he spoke. These were words he had practiced all night without sleep.7517c4ab843987b0

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“Yeah, I think so… too.”79ad5f42bd0f7ba5

The man didn’t seem flustered at all. “Is the new greeting these days ‘yeah, I think so too’, instead of the classic ‘hello’?” the man said, unfazed, as he unpacked the bundle.229399fde5a03000

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He hadn’t expected a particularly special reaction, but he had hoped for a more excited one, so he felt a little disappointed. But he couldn’t just give up on saying all words he had practiced all night. He spoke again.5840839d6556d894

“I don’t d208e29daf dislike it.“⁵d395c30b2ff413e1

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Only then did the man pause in unpacking his bundle and turn to look at him. At first, he seemed to think “I don’t dislike it.” was just a slip of tongue, but when he remembered the awkward “yeah, I think so too”, the man realized it wasn’t said by mistake. “Why are you speaking that way?”c1101d17e203b525

He was going to say “The word ‘dislike’ doesn’t suit you,” but he kept his mouth shut, flustered. Even though he had carefully added the polite ending as the man had described, it seemed he had messed up badly. Seeing his silence, the man didn’t press further, just shrugging his shoulders and moving on as if it never happened.4dc13fdfe51b1c3e

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Unlike usual, the man was wearing a mitten on his left hand and thimbles on his right. When he stared at it, the man explained, “In case someone tries to bite my fingers.”2be5372a6a27a6ce

That wasn’t the only thing different. He always had one bundle, but today there were two.d17e2cb26b1532ba

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One was the a49cb3e111 familiar bundle of 9a5b4a7583 onions, but the 4a226b0930 other was not. Whatever was 49a6559cc3 inside, its 852b2617dc bulky shape 6069ac8c50 gave the 263ffeeac0 bundle a 45eb9aac02 square shape. He guessed it 2c9cc9bc8c was a bone. The question d7b1c154a7 was, which 795d54ebe6 bone? It was too 799b2d61f4 square to be fae8151999 a skull and b88b912a15 too rigid to 62363c9ac6 be a rib. Perhaps a vertebra?bc3d618b0350d5c2

However, contrary to his 468832c93b guess, the next moment 8a06d11429 the man pulled something 64a08dfe15 out of the bundle d276e22c24 that wasn’t a bone faddd96ee1 at all. Apart from 53d22ce4a3 being hard, f9f9c6deee it had 69684c8e5d no resemblance f94ec640c3 to a e398a1c83b bone.cc7f3a23bd222d5e

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“What’s this?”8147dda7abab8c9a

I don’t know what 927b7abb7b that is.cacc043af5cf29e9

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“It’s a book.”b0febc8383e44b7f

Pointing out the cover and pages, the man made the sheets of paper flutter. He wasn’t curious. Among the unfamiliar, strange, and unknown things, the only thing he was interested in was the man.5a1bcc4c57911763

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The more he looked, the more curious he was about the man. He wanted to know him. Every part of the man – his eyes, nose, lips, the dimples that bloomed on his face when he smiled, his hair, the strands of hair that were disheveled around his ears, his neck, his smooth shoulders, his arms, his hands, his fingers, his nails, the hangnails next to his nails. Every inch of the man was a mystery to him.3e2e328ce3379c4e

With this unsolvable puzzle right in front of him, he had no energy to spare for something as trivial as a “book.”035e013c808523b7

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“I don’t know.”5a937d8ff21985f3

He said, not 677d737d06 ending the sentence 169281c375 in a polite d5f2cc3c07 way because he dbacecb1c0 was afraid the 3a105c1406 man would mock b8871b018e him.863e5f6a3bebee10

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“It’s really interesting. Once you read it, you’ll like it even more than just being with me.” The man smiled. “I’ll teach you to read so that when I’m not here, you can read it by yourself.”0f5119512f74cf4f

He was annoyed. The man was so preoccupied with the “book” that he didn’t care at all whether he spoke politely or not. The man said he would read the book aloud. He had also handed him onions, but whereas they were usually sliced the size of a fingernail, today they were less than half that size.400f324282844f82

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The man didn’t even watch to see if he was eating the onions, immediately opening the book. He recited the table of contents. “‘Chapter 1, Down the Rabbit Hole.'”afc84202c703342e

He stuffed a handful of onion slices into his mouth and started making noise as if he were choking. “Just sit still. Stop acting.” The man said without taking his eyes off the pages. He stopped his act and looked at the man instead. His blinking eyes were fixed on the side of the man’s face.c45ef84963bc4b02

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“Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading…”ba5767fbff651042

One page, two pages… By the time the pages had flipped over several times, he found himself crouched in front of the man. When the man read “Alice jumped down the rabbit hole,” they were three steps apart; when he read “and the White Rabbit was still in sight, hurrying down it,” they were two steps apart; and when he read “Alice opened the door and found that it led into a small passage, not much larger than a rat-hole,” they were only one step away. He could even make out all the details of the man’s lowered eyes and the length of his eyelashes.263e45574f4eb65b

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For a moment, he couldn’t take his eyes off the man.a623a838a0778724

“… ’round the neck of the bottle was a paper label, with the words `DRINK ME’ beautifully printed on it in large letters’… You’re not listening, are you?”006ebc0e3a28e67e

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The man suddenly looked up. Apparently, he hadn’t realized how close he had moved. A look of surprise flashed across his face. As if the eye contact made him uncomfortable, the man tried to turn away, but he didn’t want that.cef66e04c48a970a

He leaned in close, almost close enough for their skin to touch if he tilted his head even a little. He couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s eyes. His own reflection was captured in the man’s eyes. He was there, in the man’s eyes.0aa651950afc535e

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“Yeah.”bf5148e958481166

His heart was 44a8175e9c pounding.0b17e2c0cadb15ca

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He stopped and ef274ecd3c just stared at 0acffd611c him. He had thought ce78147a5b staring at the bb52f79a6a man would be 242889eb20 as boring as 425e0d96cc looking at the c119168a6f iron door, the 9292626884 light bulb, or 97447ff887 the ventilation pipe, 9d05c3c89f but he was 32ecb2009c wrong.fa8bf7b12ff86662

It wasn’t boring at all. Examining every detail of the man’s eyes, which parts shone most under the light, which parts grew deepest in the shadows, never got tiring. He felt he could do it for the rest of his life.667ddb3e2aa029f5

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“Uh…”9c0a984056d87323

The man b9398dea26 began, fixing 7d4b114621 his gaze d2a5360197 resolutely on 7f9685172d a point 5afed4784a in the 2270eba431 air.a827c530166b503e

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“…Don’t you think you’re too close?”9a9c099995d8b180

Of course not. He didn’t think that at all. No, to be more precise, he wasn’t thinking about anything. He was too preoccupied watching the movements of the man’s lips to consider whether he was close or far, how close exactly, what would be an appropriate distance, or what would be considered too close.6fb56161ef6744a0

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He couldn’t take his eyes off the man’s lips, how they hesitated and parted when he said “Uh…”, how they formed a circle when he said “too”, how they straightened out and then curved again when he said “close.”d8644963f09a8213

When he didn’t answer, the man sighed, as if he had expected as much. Of course, his gaze still followed every movement the man did, like how the man’s lips parted with the sigh, his brow furrowed, and his body rose and fell lightly.bafa2f8cf27a76fc

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The man closed the book he was holding and pressed the book’s spine against his forehead, pushing him back. Shoved back to a distance of three steps, he was dazed.ee63af5b45f0db1a

But the daze was fleeting. He leaned in close again. He wanted to look closely at the man’s eyes and lips. He wanted to see the long eyelashes surrounding his eyes, and the white teeth that peeked through his lips when he spoke.edc9a883d48373ae

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The man was 1e23285a3d firm.43995e2681e44aaf

“No.”362732c691edf6af

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He was 40a1ecb3ba pushed back ba3ce5e062 to the aadea4fd14 three step c269714e88 distance again.06c7ba10cbfa7fee

Lean in, get pushed back. Lean in, get pushed back. It happened over and over, and he couldn’t help but feel frustrated. His face flushed red as he panted angrily. His eyes glared at the man, but the man didn’t even twitch an eyebrow.93f05fba9a3785d1

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“Just like that. Stay right there.”2559192367b512e7

He never had any 2167e334a6 intention of staying still, b8e17a128d but hearing the order fa5bbda5a2 made him even more 48a8ea746e unwilling to do so. As he 787c0c166a was about 6d0cda6920 to forcefully 7123ed3f7c lean in aa6eade753 again, the 952a31fc70 man raised 289131f648 his hand fff9ef3ae0 to stop def1dfd909 him. Then, the man 629a68b392 said,cb3c886a23b9493a

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“No. Don’t come here.”ad7391370db1919b

Taken aback by the man’s firm tone, which was a first, he hesitated in his defiance. He was suddenly afraid that if he resisted, the man would come to hate him, and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.4eef5a05bd97007c

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“Yes, there.”9f1b883c9dec1c72

The “there” the man was pointing to was the spot where he had been pushed back to, again and again – three steps away. He stood still. Why was the man trying to put three steps between them?dff85d6dc5fa76ba

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Perhaps it fafede93e5 had some e17bf6c518 meaning, like 0fff09a3a4 how the ea167742f2 hazy smoke 28c4196412 filling the c8881d171a room was d70916dc34 a signal 45523c5613 that work 7ba2354540 was beginning, d2c2f25162 or how cbccc8cf59 the Vice 9434a2e4c8 Warden would 9d6ecd19e2 carefully remove d73233d8c5 his watch 8c09dbfc5b and tuck 947695b67f it into 0bf0a50552 the inner 472a44531c pocket of ab47c35d4f his shirt ee829d9735 was a 94cd3892f0 sign that b670d1daa4 he was 74cab63c44 about to 0f85d0fdf3 be beaten f8410de0ca up until dcab41f795 he coughed dd85c956c8 up blood.175773fcdd486fd6

He wondered what the meaning of this three step distance could be. He was afraid that if he showed that he didn’t know, the man would come to hate him, and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.e62dfa5ca67b105d

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“It’s a safety distance.”79f1c0e0a58295f2

His voice was softer than before, but still firm*. Safety distance?* He couldn’t understand why he needed a safety distance when he didn’t bite the man, and even if he wanted to, his body was damaged and he was wearing a muzzle, so he couldn’t bite. It was as much of a mystery to him as why the man was wiping his pus, feeding him onions, and reading books to him.e30d8026c9b17cee

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He wanted to ask why, but couldn’t. He was afraid that if he showed that he didn’t know, the man would come to hate him, or think he was dumber than a baton or a knife and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.5250c545b0a0660b

He had 3f619cdfac seen the 51c3278523 guards who c261b28f90 were afraid b094492128 to work 1c315ba0b7 because they d372ef7b29 were afraid 18a3e6d6ad of being 1cfb50cc03 bitten. Even when they had b40080a806 batons, knives, or pokers, c26cb0317e every time he bared 15ab3aadd8 his teeth and growled, 311a592271 they would flinch and cc8f094cce back away.09a90682776164bc

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He had thought they were cowards, but they weren’t. The real coward was him. He wasn’t afraid of bleeding, being bruised, or breaking his bones, but he was afraid of the man leaving and never coming back.e5d1743d5ea07779

“I have to go.”b4978914083af6de

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The man pulled up his sleeve and checked his watch. He wanted to break the watch that was taking the man out of his universe, but he couldn’t. The man had instructed him to stay three steps away.5309c5f052769295

The man grabbed the book and got up. He wanted to see him off, but he couldn’t. The man had instructed him to stay three steps away. He had to watch helplessly as the man put on his outer clothes, adjusted his hat, and left with the bundle.01002b537a47e64d

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“I’ll be back.”45c5cc68cb2a00c0

Clang, the metal door 91fa39d881 opened and closed. The room was ffdc92b886 empty except for 01d59b19a6 him and the 7e84b37d9f promise.ed770de5d1d3b4b3

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Staring at 804c2c01c9 the closed 1d2982d8c4 metal door, 90e7ff7a38 he thought d842781a2e again. Perhaps, contrary to what c2ebd957c0 he had thought, the 65e39cd882 man might not be 2dc45b6e70 something painless. He might 0865869519 be something bf5201e4db that hurt, 0f1fd65127 but in 43a2683571 a way 9b7517b013 he had d5e23c3059 never known 21b36fbc98 before.7c3fe51d775a90a1

He was afraid c832e90546 of the man 4763043bbb hurting him.8f4b2aff2718b602

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***477e9929eb69172c

He never 21fc090af3 had any 6650fd37ce intention of cea93becf9 staying still, e17d7143ec but hearing 543b92740e the order aab1b6e44b made him bb11dc0533 even more 6ccab45645 unwilling to cc41e29564 do so. As he was b8ae6565bf about to forcefully 530d85bada lean in again, 98d4038296 the man raised 9b26a46253 his hand to ed1d273995 stop him. Then, the 303b1876f0 man said,ae029cf142eb71f1

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“No. Don’t come here.”6c4ff9d511625c78

Taken aback by the man’s firm tone, which was a first, he hesitated in his defiance. He was suddenly afraid that if he resisted, the man would come to hate him, and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.475b32d2e05c4a3b

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“Yes, there.”3b37efc2bd3cb4e8

The “there” the man was pointing to was the spot where he had been pushed back to, again and again – three steps away. He stood still. Why was the man trying to put three steps between them?3620b4a5786dab4c

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Perhaps it 7f08b8d7c9 had some 9962659ddc meaning, like a5aceb5a0a how the 915d271158 hazy smoke 206f098533 filling the 4d84c2aa83 room was 112c8aa006 a signal 8360bf9592 that work 08fa825ce3 was beginning, 4ff8359434 or how 4e047e0dd3 the Vice e07afe893e Warden would 032d0c2121 carefully remove 3d096b732e his watch f0b7389f2c and tuck 7c06c8e36f it into 21f7c947e1 the inner b5d236b443 pocket of 837bd43c96 his shirt 5f1f1421b6 was a 4fe73268aa sign that 9367f95d30 he was ee1b4d21a7 about to 6284148f6a be beaten 6c44e7946e up until 640e62b049 he coughed e1334fc76e up blood.b6d24161245392df

He wondered what the meaning of this three step distance could be. He was afraid that if he showed that he didn’t know, the man would come to hate him, and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.ff8a2ad6bb4d4306

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“It’s a safety distance.”48d19256f7cace57

His voice was softer than before, but still firm*. Safety distance?* He couldn’t understand why he needed a safety distance when he didn’t bite the man, and even if he wanted to, his body was damaged and he was wearing a muzzle, so he couldn’t bite. It was as much of a mystery to him as why the man was wiping his pus, feeding him onions, and reading books to him.83a962a7631bbdb8

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He wanted to ask why, but couldn’t. He was afraid that if he showed that he didn’t know, the man would come to hate him, or think he was dumber than a baton or a knife and then wouldn’t come back to his universe again.14f2d6c65c565b63

He had seen e295f59d57 the guards who aa68daf2d4 were afraid to a4ce3581fe work because they 7e01b4c54f were afraid of 995ab07afe being bitten. Even when they deac13429a had batons, knives, 27c27ec334 or pokers, every b69105524d time he bared 2186eccacb his teeth and 31a9171d5d growled, they would baf2ad5687 flinch and back 4bcda05522 away.f51599a0b01e763d

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He had thought they were cowards, but they weren’t. The real coward was him. He wasn’t afraid of bleeding, being bruised, or breaking his bones, but he was afraid of the man leaving and never coming back.3ad96c526f0ff3d1

“I have to go.”74a26fbad97fa151

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The man pulled up his sleeve and checked his watch. He wanted to break the watch that was taking the man out of his universe, but he couldn’t. The man had instructed him to stay three steps away.11aedeca0ee910d2

The man grabbed the book and got up. He wanted to see him off, but he couldn’t. The man had instructed him to stay three steps away. He had to watch helplessly as the man put on his outer clothes, adjusted his hat, and left with the bundle.932a1c9b41d0be87

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“I’ll be back.”742f48b8496afd9f

Clang, the metal door b7aac12d35 opened and closed. The room was c1c043e3ba empty except for cdb4f27b91 him and the e2efcc7e66 promise.d763de95963b9971

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Staring at the closed 6cce567bbf metal door, he thought 5a93fe0ab1 again. Perhaps, contrary to what 026c16a783 he had thought, the 43a27ff247 man might not be a9a6f11e6b something painless. He might be something 8c45068eb3 that hurt, but in 5e76c7778f a way he had c47584fcb0 never known before.5911980c8460ecf5

He was afraid of 2642621f5f the man hurting him.900509a4c5346aeb

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***92ca1e2aab735c71

Whether he e052175002 listened or 527faf24e0 not, the e537c23e6d man brought fa1599957b books again 7dd8522726 and again.bc420652b1b7ea17

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“’It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair’…⁶ You’re not listening, are you?”adb6caf352858fae

He answered by shaking his head. He was too busy looking at the man to have time to listen to what he was saying, as he was crouched three steps away. The man sighed. He didn’t move an inch. It was the first time he had ever experienced it, but the man’s sigh scared him. Not only the sighing, but the sparkle in his eyes disappearing was also scary. The man closed the book. Leaving the promise that he would come back, he gathered his things and left. When he returned the next day, the man read a new book to him.85ed98be26ee955c

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“‘Dear Wilhelm, I am reduced to the condition of those unfortunate wretches who believe they are pursued by an evil spirit. Sometimes I am oppressed, not by apprehension or fear, but by an inexpressible internal sensation, which weighs upon my heart, and impedes my breath!’…⁷ You’re not listening, are you?”caf08a995729caef

No, this time he was listening. He was focusing on listening to how the man’s voice lowered, rose, shook, and became firm. He could describe in detail how the man’s voice didn’t hurt him, where it was warm and where it was cold, and how the sound resonated. He answered by nodding his head. The man raised his eyebrows.cab9b62a239596fa

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“If you were truly paying attention, tell me what I said.”d420c6f57a093154

He was at a 2deab5f6b1 loss for words. He had listened to ecc35f8507 the voice, not the ebb1004d55 words. There was 31100aa355 no way a7b3858d77 he could af0065c496 tell what 89e4d791d2 the man 99df564aa5 had said.22eed5ccf0bcfea9

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“…So I thought.”12ca0ec5708ab217

The man let out a weak laugh. He didn’t move. The man’s weak laugh now scared him, unlike before. The sound of “haha”, the way he lightly turned his head without looking him in the eyes, and the resignation in his gaze were all frightening.a15f721208c06d55

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The man closed 86371267d0 the book. Leaving the promise 40fdc0298c that he would 7fbd9a5a20 come back, he 5a567edd22 gathered his things 3f6764e966 and left. When he returned ab65aec3fb the next day, 871af25a87 the man read b3f63e1934 a new book.ed8fe8eb7a805035

“‘As he panted, he lifted her skirt. How could he! They didn’t share even a drop of blood, and yet he was her younger brother. Their strict father would never allow this relationship. Her hands trembled. But despite that fear, her body was soon soaked in his touch. I love you, he said, and then his lips touched hers.’… You’re not listening, are you?”3486d31094e170c2

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No, this time he was really listening. He wasn’t just listening to the voice like last time, but also what the man was saying. He asked a question to prove that he was listening.80860d9c347196a2

“What’s ‘father’?”3849f9a3b98dcea7

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He felt 8bed8f4fa0 really proud. Maybe the 529ee4853b man would 696d790e7e praise him b81173611a for listening 2de5282798 to the 1a918fe9fa book, but 1d6eab7d55 to his b47f4b1c62 disappointment, the 2cb3da7769 man didn’t ace8e35f5b and just c5529e9e1f gave him b656a80384 a subtle 3f3cbc3072 look.bed37073c6e2fcf3

“…You’re curious about that?”92026f958d38fd78

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What a strange reaction. He blinked his eyes. Was he supposed to be curious about something other than ‘father’? He quickly corrected himself.8a602c93463d1482

“What’s ‘younger brother’?”33761cf1602debb0

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“What do you mean with what’s younger brother? It’s family.”d7ff50033f5a36d7

The man 0f6977b8a1 kept his c0f64919d5 gaze on 336fdadabc the book 1e39d753ca as he e8a5f9374b answered. The hand 2127199995 that turned 84361d74d5 the pages 33a22b709f was pale.9590cd5a4d1279ed

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Family. Family. Family. He rolled the word ‘family’ around in his mouth. But unlike the words ‘father’ or ‘younger brother’, it didn’t seem to stick to his tongue.61b199c0c717709f

“What’s family?”1d00330f46500ad2

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The hand that was turning the page paused, but only briefly. As if nothing had happened, the man kept his gaze on the book and turned the page. A shadow obscured his face, so he couldn’t see the expression the man had.35ed3f3939f7b007

“It’s a good thing.”fd8f7dc333ea4557

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He added,84e8f77389a7bb5c

“Like friends or lovers… that kind of thing.”d65df1d7ebca3e23

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Friends, lovers, family. The words that the man pronounced sounded smooth, unlike when he pronounced them. He was curious about the man’s mouth. He wanted to know what shape it took so that he could pronounce ‘friends’, ‘lovers’, and ‘family’ so perfectly.082aee507e2ac551

“Everyone has them. Some people don’t, but usually that’s how it is.”5c58eb7c8f7814e1

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It seems that 9e8946e3be people generally have 0a10d69eeb friends, lovers, and ba3059fd4f family.He thought about the 2522d43c6d faces he knew.Does Pharrell have 2bcfea9076 friends, lovers, and 77087a368f family? And the Vice ad1112f5c4 Warden, and the c58ac476ab guards?642cd0559cc5772b

What about the man?9335d40ab72bb418

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Does the man have c80f26ca1c friends, lover, and family f2e0ae93ab too?28791aaebf6628d9

“What about you?”f943937801c61828

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He looked at 34f26ee597 the man.afe9d6293080e5e3

“Do you have them?”0fdf80d4672bdbfc

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Silence.f46a0e053a26d3a6

He tilted his head. The man had never forgotten to answer whatever he asked. There was a time when he had bombarded the man with questions like ‘Is the cover light? Are the pages light?’, ‘What hurts more, the onion itself or its skin?’, ‘How can I bite the watch?’ in an attempt to delay the man from leaving, and the man had always answered. ‘I don’t know, I guess the cover is?’, ‘No idea’, ‘You better not bite it, it’s a very expensive watch”. That was how the man was. It was unusual for the man to remain silent without answering.ffdca1974f428477

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He was just about to ask ‘You don’t?’, when the man suddenly spoke up, as if he had read his intention.b3f4041b523af171

“Of course I do.”b4dadf540b7ebaeb

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His voice was 36f32b2222 hoarse.c9a8031862ee5638

“In my family, there are about… thirty-five people. I don’t know the exact number of friends I have, but it must be over fifty.” The man laughed. It looked like he was forcing the laughter. “I have a lover… too. I met him at Mount University in Rewood County, and he’s a wonderful person. His name is… Aaron, yeah, Aaron. He’s kind, fun, and invites me to his place every day. It’s been over three years since we’ve been dating, but it still feels the same as the beginning…”7e543a22e967ba05

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“Then why are you with me?”c43cd9dac5708d57

He cut him off 1273ae4017 and asked. The man stopped talking. He asked again, firmly.06a75b82fe1bfcd0

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“Why are you not with your family, friends and lover, but with me?”fd9901d2eb6da1c7

Silence again. The man’s answer came long after the echo of his voice had faded.05a74ece78da94cc

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“I know.”81dab42e2ef11580

The man gave a short laugh. Again, it looked like he was forcing the laughter. He liked it when the man laughed, but he wished the man wouldn’t laugh if he couldn’t do it genuinely.a25bbb23f9079590

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“I guess it’s because I like you.”cc141ad7c837e22d

A weak voice fell 711f2ee54e from above. The man closed 375a4201fc the book. The hand that closed a21e065003 the book was as d160d44976 pale as a faded c1da21f708 scar. Leaving the promise b504d58dd5 that he would bfed5e5877 come back, the 0eb28871ec man gathered his 87c7df962a things and left. When he 9fcfae6da8 returned the 1b85f8e413 next day, a236210ad2 the man af4eee19a7 didn’t bring 331053d8f6 a book.f2945ce144601bf3

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He was in his usual outfit, with a cap on and a bundle on his back, but instead of a book, the man was carrying a new thing. It was black, big, and heavy. The man called it a “typewriter”.2196773637d3a4dd

“Watch closely.”3c7328ce1b21bcfc

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The man spoke as if he had been waiting to show him. The weak look from the night before had disappeared, and his vitality had returned. He put paper into the rubber wheel and pressed the keys. Metal rose up with a “click” and stamped something onto the paper, leaving the same kind of markings that the books had all over its pages. Letters.46f84da38b15cf2e

“Ta-da!”f0ce651c5c138fe4

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The man turned to him with an excited expression. But he wasn’t interested in the typewriter. Even if the typewriter could create people, he wouldn’t have been interested. His entire attention was focused on the man. He was anxiously worried that the man would laugh weakly again, his voice would become hoarse, or he would fall silent.ba3bacc5c67f7e14

“Amazing, right? Do you want to try touching it?” He urged for a response.5fd92c7fe363d9cc

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He wanted to answer “No, I don’t want to,” but he stopped himself. He was afraid that answer might make the man laugh weakly again, make his voice hoarse, or fall silent, so he just nodded.14d1e8573749ff7d

The man brightened up. Pointing to different keys, he explained, “This one is A, this one is B, this one is C…” But he wasn’t listening. He was just watching the man’s expression, hoping the man’s expression didn’t get worse.97474eef949a1855

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“This is W.” Eventually the man realized he wasn’t listening, letting out an awkward groan and scratched his forehead. Then, the man hurriedly typed something on the typewriter, as if he’d had a flash of inspiration. Then he pulled out the piece of paper and held it out..9a8a41b5b4ed9535

“See?”3366b8f9b6971ccb

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The man d310c1566d pointed to 98c18a4a55 the black 5232306892 characters with 13babae7d8 his hand.a513d89e96cf8c3d

🙂35df854cb00fde4a

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😀6b852654320edd46

🙁732272b5c4c6e533

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The man pointed to the first one ( 🙂 ). “This is a small smile,”240aa3cbe90ce4db

The man pointed to the second one ( 😀 ). “This is a big smile,”dd95ae6b3f069a33

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The man pointed to the third one ( 🙁 ). “This is your expression right now.”2956806daf25c35c

He looked at the characters, then at the man, then back at the characters. There was a resemblance between the characters and the man’s face. He picked up the typewriter. He began pressing all the keys on the keyboard, looking for ‘:’, ‘)’, ‘D’, and ‘(‘. If the man’s intention was to get him interested in typing, his action was indeed successful.ae565d6589155dc8

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Leaving a promise to come back again, the man left. He also left behind the typewriter and three sheets of paper for him to keep while the man was gone. He didn’t forget to warn him not to break them, saying that if he threw, hit, or stepped on them, the man would scold him.94627d77b2a66e1d

He typed on the efbd4db2d5 typewriter all night until 878b2e23a3 the three sheets of c2dc98f134 paper were filled with 83de7c0d73 characters. Even after he finished ee4be309bc typing, the sound ofding, ding, tackechoed in 24e96e944c his ears.db06bf3ab2dc533e

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When the man 6e9facc27d returned, he handed 0ef1938628 over the three 51e8c56764 sheets of paper. A look e6ab4250f9 of satisfaction 6f0d6720d4 was evident f3873635f2 all over 5ab33f6fd7 his face.908d25014cf0b51b

The first 374575ea2a page was f93bd9a8ab like this:16d54aa79e49c598

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaea2fefae48f4b5be

aaaaaadfwefweurhwiufnvbccf75bc3424de9cbe0

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pqoerlv:,cfeof.k,.efwfw…wrw4837dae435af23f2

sdvfbsfjqoierjwofqwdqjnvvz60e1ac045910c770

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The second 22dd6247a4 page was 466c671bcf like this:6ae28d19fe9cd2f2

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D5a2bdebbe8ce05ec

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:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D517cc38986e2adab

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D0e2adc98adf10714

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:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D8569a2e7772aabc2

The third page 61e9357dba was like this:c870606e7dd2d73e

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O:)d8065594421105ca

“What’s this?”a13f6a1ed8bb3e05

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The man, looking at the third page, tilted his head. “Is it an angel? This is a smiling face with a halo above the head?”43c03d7f58f8feb9

He shook his head. He explained each part the man had pointed to. “This is a smiling face.”de92afc039a44147

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The finger that had been explaining ‘:)’ moved to ‘O’. “This is a hat.”6430d121af54b365

“A hat? Why a ha…”65d05a6154573e59

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The man, who e4e39f48c0 had been asking 51ad9ae234 as if it e5f70fa7a3 were strange, suddenly 79b4a88497 stopped. Pointing to the uniform 69789660f4 hat given to all 12925aeda5 prison guards he was 61cdbe20f4 wearing, he asked,dbf314669e6fe812

“This one?”2cf9883733e2eca9

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He nodded. The man was about 89ddad668b to say something but 65df79b7cd closed his mouth. He just 89685774de rubbed his 82793c2d6b forehead aimlessly 29f84186cf as if 3a22dd09ac cleaning his 85b2781473 face.79156d3f8cbe01c4

O:) was the man. That’s how the man looked to him.efd80acf26a7b6e2

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***1e5edb76864ca21f

“This is my name.”d30043a6c9c17064

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The man held out a piece of paper. The man’s name, written in ink, hadn’t completely dried.0ba9b47ac8fa1f96

He made a sad face. There was no way he could recognize the man’s name when all he knew how to read and write were :), :D, :(, and O:). As he fidgeted uncomfortably, the man pretended to be distracted and let slip,fb4eca42c84076a4

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“If you learned to read, you’d be able to know what it says…”d583669f1b9b515b

If I learn how to read, I’ll know what the man’s name is?His eyes lit up. The man glanced 5a617ffa64 at him from 8f3ff62c30 the corner of eeb005d5f0 his eye and cb465c324b let slip again,0748b139d0c853b6

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“If you asked me to teach you, I might do it…”df3b46aabb171673

Of course, 9c44773aa0 the man abec65f6ff would do 9147845de6 it whether 7b22b7be29 he asked fbdf6670cc or not. The man probably f32c61ef82 knew that too.a0df22868e7ddd02

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The man boldly pulled out a sheet of paper and two pens, using the bundle as a mat. He wrote something big on the paper. As he would learn later, what the man had written was the phrase ‘Alphabet Learning Time’.c224fb557dd76553

“What’s your name?”b503de26dc2dc477

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The man 8ef46ac163 suddenly asked. He just 9f6cc262b5 blinked silently.My name? Seeing his lack of reaction, the man put the pen down and asked, “Don’t you have a name?”af5d0eb70be29855

But he didn’t. He was sometimes called “you” or “hey” or even “crazy bastard,” but mostly he was just called “dog.” He answered, “Dog.”a3b06f3c2a24ce2f

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“Not that, your real name.”e333f471698bf2ba

The man was firm. He thought about it, saying “you” or “hey” or “crazy bastard,” but those were rejected as well. It was a little while later that the man had noticed he didn’t have a name.a1de4c1468cb7cf7

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“If you don’t have one, we can make one up. What do you want to be called?”6307a9007c166c0e

The man 6b3c570ae8 was calm 221e2b1a07 about it. Maybe he was e6a969017c just pretending to c283d44a7a be calm. Thinking that fdaed40fd2 the name 576ab6445d should be e72d94aa9c a familiar 6b787c5525 word, or 84688f67dd else he 74a8874d52 might get 941ff506dd startled every 441ff8f6a8 time he 306d9a4dd7 heard it, 0c7af36ea9 he came 29e9552d0c up with 3a8a4262b3 his own e2e2410a40 name.fae280f1ec9b974e

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“Poker.”bd0f9f9e853f497f

The man immediately refused. “No.”b4975c1720344944

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“Knife.”e000d6ecd74dfd83

“No.”9fe96eca04521aa8

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“Baton.”67106e2612f8ab63

“No.”be57d132586bd09d

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Are poker, c2c19cf357 knife, and 581c28a515 baton rejected 2f162bfb35 because they’re 074419e759 things that 4508fab9bd hurt? He pondered and suggested something that didn’t hurt him.099dd5dd5ba81561

“The man.”5786c2aa81f589a6

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“No.”add223d0516e1313

Every name 98dc43ab12 he proposed bd0619d139 was rejected.4ff43545c7b0820e

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“At this rate, it’ll take a hundred years to decide on a name.”4f8dafc37f9bee1c

The man said this when he had suggested names like “floor,” “ceiling,” and “incandescent light bulb” in succession. The man handed him a pen. He took it somewhat absentmindedly.249356c4a9ff10c2

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“Let’s just call you Lewellyn for now.”3bb6bcd5642db68a

The man started writing something. Slowly, black letters were etched onto the paper. L…1e769873136f4544

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“It’s a good name.”b35fbe4ff8df501f

e…, w…88210b83e022979f

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“It’s one of the most common names given to people around your age.”d962c89de195372e

e…, l…, l…, y…51c31971ea3b75ee

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“It’s a name that everyone in this country loves.”fb227da430de8374

…n.94c436df0e67edc1

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“There, done.”1219e9f15d217468

He put a475810a11 down the 03f67455ae pen and fc473f0fd3 looked at 4eb07bb314 him with 77bc7e854f a smile.5d9bd3d4294c7d52

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“Do you like it?”9ecbecd15471e914

Lewellyn liked it very, cd8b20007d very, very, very, very d844622f03 much.e7288c57b8cc5727

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ff3b32a5b2c7def3