MLCD Chapter 3.2

Shavonne’s eyes didn’t miss the paper Lewellyn held hidden in the inner pocket of his coat.feb6967f9cee4da7

“I don’t know, looking at the rain?”3601b9107b38c86b

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Lewellyn smiled. As usual, f715f95813 he had ba17e63d03 a nonchalant 86ef3e65d2 smile, as 9a02943f4a if nothing 3feb8ea826 had happened.6103ba97807098a9

But Shavonne knew it wasn’t ‘nothing’.eadd856b962f1ad5

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“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”8a3a158db2781841

Shavonne closed his mouth and bit his lower lip. Otherwise, he wouldn’t keep his raw emotions from spilling out of his mouth.b7626ea0f56d6042

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It was a lie 84ca7cea17 to say that he b68ac7a341 came out to look c8150590ac at the rain.Liar. The word made 492c8b0521 Shavonne feel heartbroken.36d7a51b48918f7d

Lewellyn was Shavonne’s lover. His friend. The only one on his side in the world. At least Shavonne was so convinced of that until he encountered the scene of “the one on his side” lying to him. Even if it was a small lie, even if it was a so-called white lie, it was a lie.3d615a40cf8959ba

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He had a ad460b7d3b sore throat. When Shavonne opened 67c2b8dfde his mouth, a 622ac148d3 voice squirming like fa0233d705 sand came out 44bb39f0b2 of him.fa2343ad39f4ea36

“Are you telling the truth?”3d0c574e2668fe2e

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“Mn? What?”d219a14572bae01d

He asked back 94fc80759d with a very efdbce2fb3 natural face. Shavonne suppressed his feelings 824f3e53e3 and replied.4cbad5b36eec77d7

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“That you came here to see the rain.”3acc08a6b8fab292

He gave him a chance to correct his lie. Shavonne wanted Lewellyn to tell him that he didn’t come out to see the rain but to read the letter without Shavonne’s knowing. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.3136d51d8592d13f

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But…326b439f2a71ea1d

“Of course I mean it.”64199ff822dedd7d

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Lewellyn was still smiling. It was such a sly smile that he would have been deceived if he hadn’t seen Lewellyn reading the letter. Had he ever deceived Shavonne with that smile before? If there is, how many times? Shavonne stiffened when he started thinking about it. He tried to unfreeze, but he couldn’t.04b1b2b9948a21fb

‘Don’t lie’. What will Lewellyn say, then? There was a high possibility that his expression wouldn’t even change. Why didn’t Shavonne confess that he saw Lewellyn searching through the trash can and grabbing the letter, or take out the letter from the inside pocket of Lewellyn’s coat and show it as evidence? Shavonne himself didn’t have a clue. Would Lewellyn apologize? It would be nice if he did. If he did so, Shavonne could let it pass, being freed from the anxiety that ‘the one on his side’ had lied. That way, he would stop doubting Lewellyn.3233cce142d0e624

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But what if he didn’t apologize?5c04a15e4037381d

Their relationship would be ruined. It was unlikely that a person who was caught lying wouldn’t apologize, but Shavonne couldn’t bear to question Lewellyn for fear that the low probability of it becoming true would destroy their relationship.2f6b5a14e13f15e3

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Maybe it’s just a tiny lie—nothing. Like if someone who likes onions says, ‘I don’t like onions’, or someone who doesn’t like lemon juice says, ‘I like lemon juice’, a meaningless lie that one wouldn’t remember doing if asked a year later.a096ac4edd58f578

Yeah, there must be 8c95b9098b a reason why Lewellyn 45f49d33eb lied. To Shavonne, it was 198cf3d431 an unknown reason, but 1710281ecd whatever. First, he decided to 87de808d79 try and understand him 858231aed7 as much as he 93c9a5c3e8 could.056a6b9d8b9e192a

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Suddenly, his mouth 5e6aa1c633 was dry. Shavonne gulped down some 46580b44ec saliva. He felt nauseous.5e219c69d24f99ae

“Why are you outside looking at the rain in the cold? So pitifully.” He said. “If you’re going to do it, do it inside.”d6d47e6ea1b33aca

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For a moment, Lewellyn just stood there staring at Shavonne, but then a lively smile spread over Lewellyn’s face.cf98a582dd6840b5

“As expected, you’re the only one who cares about me.”f94ef84a8a202670

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Shavonne didn’t have the confidence to smile face to face. He turned his head silently and avoided Lewellyn’s gaze.2e20b1db95315884

“Did you even shower after we had sex?”fb7c5bb96c4f93ef

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Shavonne asked c4fca2a47c after they 4dd63b7294 came home.aec7a41d55d002c0

“I was going to wash you up when Mr. Shavonne got up.”7cddad5f75ff731b

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“Huh?”9518d9f6b5c4d65d

“Mr. Shavonne, you were sleeping like a baby, how could I turn on the water and make noise? I just couldn’t do it.”b4ca06e6758ad9c7

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He was a smooth talker, as always. “Great, I’m awake now, so go wash up,” Shavonne said, throwing a rolled towel. Lewellyn skillfully grabbed it without dropping it.545a1511d3a0a142

“What about you, Mr. Shavonne?”48acd45fdca3d8d9

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Lewellyn rolled his eyes and asked. Shavonne closed the drawer of the towel cabinet and looked back at Lewellyn. “Wash first. I’ll go into the bathroom as soon as you get out.” And after clearing his throat, he looked at the laundry basket in front of the bathroom. “Leave your clothes there. I’ll wash them.”9aa5231a4b673813

Lewellyn took off his coat and put it in the laundry basket, but he kept his shirt and pants. He didn’t unbutton the shirt or unbuckle the pants. Shavonne was dumbfounded. He couldn’t help but laugh.4c9e133db4494208

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“You’re not taking off your shirt and pants?”5fb8ea19a2103587

“Nope. I won’t take them off.”c32c0846b83f36b2

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“Why?”26908398e9855bca

“I’m too shy because you’re here, Mr. Shavonne.”37adf4d21a185779

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“… Whatever, just go and wash up.”5381abab7b9a4e0a

Shortly after Lewellyn entered 114c86e080 the bathroom, the sound 376bc3bfef of water falling was 945db5015c heard. Shavonne hurried to the b2afb89d9f laundry basket. He took out the 03729569be coat Lewellyn had left 200f708e88 there and took the c40fbcc33a letter out of the f6364b6b08 inner pocket. As expected, it was eff2017788 the one from Krainer c6466f63db Publishing.7f41f3d9678f875f

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Shavonne exchanged letters. Now it didn’t have the one of Turner from Krainer Publishing, but of Oscar from Peer Publishing.9e7402141fef3ec4

He didn’t forget to crumple the letter in a seemingly plausible way. He had no choice but to do this. It can’t be, but if by any chance Lewellyn wanted the letter to harm Turner, the editor…1811e0278ae48d9c

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For the first time in his life, someone had said that Shavonne and his novels were the best. He couldn’t let such a person be harmed. Even if there was only a one in ten probability of that happening, Shavonne wanted to prevent all risks in advance.43b65a453401c4fa

The real letter was hidden in Shavonne’s towel. Perhaps because it was rolled up, the towel didn’t show that the letter was hidden.4d0bb697da31b9d1

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As he had c1647a3fe2 told him, Shavonne 5a91431f5b went into the 0c6e66f7ec bathroom as soon ab291fe9a5 as Lewellyn came c0638af508 out. With the towel dc3cac0fff on the side 0b196db25d that hid the 94889209e8 real letter.403c8719a680d8e8

Before bathing, Shavonne a1e4331b5a wetted the letter. The ink 13bd489a43 spread and 34ce0af1e7 the letters 31ed75a436 that Turner 2a6b459a56 wrote  became 7359033d18 unrecognizable one 6ca257d682 by one. Lastly, he tore b37d098b84 apart the mushy 42404dc525 letter and threw ff227d8075 it in the e3cbeaa523 trash can. The anxiety that Turner f43ddb1505 might be harmed had 13d2f37072 subsided then.9652b51420e34e97

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But that was the only one. He still had the anxiety of the ‘one on his side’ lying to him. His trust had cracked. It may be restored, but nevertheless, traces of cracks would remain.75ddbc37acb9d9fa

Shavonne closed ac533e78b4 his eyes. A cold 7227119557 stream of 86824c7dd0 water poured 1b6f44211a down.098a67fc9c3cdda5

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If loneliness is 0e99d753e2 the start of 597069f649 love, what makes 30668b8b80 love end?c66735c6ede236ca

Lewellyn took out the letter from the inner pocket of his coat and read it. The word ‘To whom I respect’ caught his eye. Maybe it was because the paper was so crumpled that he couldn’t read it well, but it felt different from when he read it earlier. However, after reading the contents of the letter for a while, Lewellyn pondered his name.957f2ca322bf798b

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Peer Publishing, Oscar, Peer Publishing, Oscar…22fd0ba62147eaf1

***3b2476d523cce034

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The sunset was f57e220243 setting.74b224e022226f2b

How long 6e15a525ea has it 0a8c37c060 been since 81a592e0f5 I left 6b7a1b3242 work at 5f02431e50 this hour? Like six 5ee4b19e83 months or f5f3ae803a seven months. Oscar rubbed his stiff eyes. The back of his hand felt rough against his eye. Right. It would be more strange that his skin didn’t suffer after having a daily routine of going to work at 5 a.m. and leaving at 12 p.m. for six months.392bb942c2ad2c08

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He went into a familiar alley and stood in front of the house. A two-story detached house. It wasn’t big enough for it to really seem like a detached house, but it wasn’t too small for Oscar to live alone. Moreover, he spent more time at the publisher than at home, so Oscar, who only slept at home like a dead body at holidays, maybe once a month, had no reason to feel uncomfortable.4d18e5922d1657be

Someone did tell him. If he was at home less than 35 hours a week, why didn’t he move to a new one near Peer Publishing? Of course, Oscar turned the idea down.d28f67a55c15bc16

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He had been working d5d5a99a96 as an editor of e3e0880386 a publishing company for ababaabd0e 16 years, putting work a0d3cf4290 before family, friends, and 182c9c0507 lovers. He lost 31855ea18a contact with f090231b1b his family e04d4fa3b0 and had f05eb36754 no friends. His partner who bbd5495672 said they were b1c3fac737 going to marry 78fb90fe66 Oscar also left a25b6c78fb because they were aacead94c4 tired of him. All Oscar had left d2c548caaa was the title of 4cdbd07211 editor of the publisher, e046d84dbf money, and this two-story 48a7c65091 detached house on Unray 10d0cafbb6 Street.2e5f328f48f2f954

On the outside, the house had a reddish-blooded color because of the glow of sunset. The piles of garbage and rusty scrap metal in front of the house, and leaflets that had melted down to the extent that he couldn’t recognize what was originally written were seen only as black shadows. Oscar entered his house. The door, which was opened with the sound of a crack, was then closed with the same sound.59c88d2024be8840

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Inside, it ba5573783d was dark. The study, which had 967a28bcc8 a thorough curtain so 132c6ab914 that no light came b7c94fc702 in, was no exception.I haven’t had a drink since last night… Oscar frowned. It was so dark that he couldn’t see anything except the outline of the furniture. He was about to go to the window and open the curtains.831391d78d69e203

“Don’t move.”7dfda436bf1fd025

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He heard a 33cf3ce8fe strange voice behind 9243542cf6 his back. He wanted 90257a2fef to think 6bb0604e99 he heard 3a7463778c it wrong, f012646f27 but the 8cd41b4b57 voice was 508bbedf5d too clear f4e267e66a for it 96664574d9 to be a7cc193881 his imagination. Oscar stopped in 81ebea92e1 the exact same d67515254d posture as he 2dc053dc94 tried to draw 4ace73f995 the curtains.63e7ac6439fcafb6

“It’s for the best. For both of us.”7545a767d4689cd8

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Oscar wasn’t an immature child. He wasn’t reckless enough to blindly pick a fight with an intruder who might have a weapon. “Let go.” Oscar let go of the curtain he was holding as the intruder told him to. The curtain was closed again, but not as thorough as it had been before.45ec4373188512e8

A ray of sunset leaked through the gap between the curtains. Like a crack across the floor, a long glow of the sunset expanded, and at the end…c779a6b7878aed0f

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“No peeking.”511d18b53c5beb87

There was laughter in his voice. Like an adult who says to a child who complains about side dishes, “Baby, don’t be picky.” But it was only how it sounded, because it was a clear order.f8bf364fc640438f

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“If you looked at me, what’s the purpose of me hiding, right?”1d4eda5adf652c84

It wasn’t a good idea to look at the intruder. It was Unray Street. Public security wasn’t as heinous as Ira Street, but there were also dozens of murder, rape and arson cases a day. Oscar didn’t want to be the victim of a crime. Of course, he didn’t want his name to be put on the “Looking for relatives” section of 《Daily Bunch》. Oscar bowed his head in a hurry.ae3a55628dfc4c22

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His heart was pounding. Who is he? A burglar? But he is too confident to be a burglar… As he was thinking, the intruder opened his mouth again. An unexpected instruction came out of the intruder’s mouth.1d92f139bbcfc7a7

“Talk.”bc4c838a764cb05a

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Ta… Talk? Oscar was perplexed. While unconsciously raising his head to see the intruder, he belatedly realized what he was doing and hurriedly bent back. Fortunately, the intruder didn’t seem to mind. He just repeated the instructions.9243247ad43c473e

“Talk. Taaalk. Taaaaaalk.”6500e541f419fc6e

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He thought he was a burglar, but he doesn’t seem to be one. If he were, would have no reason to ask him to talk. It was then that the story of a mentally ill person harassing people for no reason passed through his head.b6029e4ac4de9be1

Oscar became anxious. If he had trespassed and threatened him, he wouldn’t be a normal psycho. No way, was he going to torture him? He was not going to kill him, was he? The contents of the mystery novels published by Oscar so far had begun to come to mind one by one. His head quickly filled with anxiety.78f3683b68f028b5

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“Don’t you know how to talk?”97d480b62481bb3c

In the blink of an eye, the intruder approached him. “Don’t you have a tongue?” He reached out and grabbed Oscar’s chin, and he didn’t miss the moment when Oscar groaned to forcibly open his mouth and put his finger inside. Oscar could feel the fingertips touching his teeth and tongue. These fingertips were so cold that they seemed to belong to a dead body.083bb92059a9145c

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“It’s intact.” With a calm voice, the intruder took his finger out of Oscar’s mouth. Oscar reminded himself that he should follow what the intruder said. Without even thinking of wiping the saliva that flowed out, he hurriedly opened his mouth.0933ceb8bf5494ed

“What, what do you want? I’ll give you whatever you want.”cf5279c995c61f18

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But the 20a79cd72f intruder was f328980a26 silent. When he finally 877a7e0866 opened his mouth, bb3cf49293 his voice was b00276634a rough.2e1c3c002b68bdb8

“Again.”e5ec1ff93cb4e4e0

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“Eh?”507c428bd70ab181

“Say it again.”099945cc5e5a0522

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He didn’t know the reason, but he did as he was told.18d0dfa40c966248

“I’ll give you whatever you want…”dc7165ad5c3b3a25

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“Say, ‘They’re unrivaled.'”2544b4c21515c67e

The intruder cut off his words. His voice was hushed for some reason. This time again, Oscar didn’t know the reason but did as he was told.f756128b0abc5c6a

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“They’re unrivaled.”3f355aa4a10d228a

The intruder was motionless 5fe457d40c for a moment. He turned around and 1dce4a933a approached the desk. He took 3c4ef6ca4e three or b5a58fcb9b four chapters cf61a053e5 of the 8ca3f71821 manuscript on 482276aa1c the desk cbb1d7a719 and crumpled a6bf5d7b2f them in 9cea7eba90 the inner a67f6dba01 pocket of ff4848ae49 his coat.695ea6b743d70b38

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Oscar, who was secretly watching the intruder’s back with his eyes open, was embarrassed. That was the manuscript Oscar had been working on for two weeks. It was a manuscript entrusted to an unnamed ghostwriter, but the sentence was so terrible that it couldn’t be handed over to the editorial department of the publishing company, so Oscar, who was in charge of it, was proofreading it. He had to submit it by the day after tomorrow. It was obvious that even one chapter, let alone three or four, wouldn’t be able to meet the deadline if it was stolen.a0de6eb6aa377e74

“Excuse me, that’s my writing…”dbb887f48b5e118f

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Oscar’s mouth moved before unknowingly. When he realized that he had done something presumptuous and hurriedly closed his mouth, he had already protested.861f4744c0f1b20b

The intruder’s body stopped. The back buried in the dark didn’t even move. What should 8955cad093 I do?Oscar felt he 824f903cb1 was breaking out 3d57153004 in a cold d9f6e0d318 sweat.Do I explain it 7c087d7aa0 as a slip of 2084d197f8 tongue? What if I try fa260eb7b5 to explain it and 6d9d84527b he says it’s an a465420a0d excuse?As he was 359559cebb thinking, the intruder ed6b1e001e opened his mouth.fc2cee21f447d6c4

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“You said you’d give me anything you had.”4632fe1650e9acbd

He had his face 2178746d4b sideways, only half visible f958b3d10e because of the darkness, 4e069da097 so the features were 10f3a06a1e unrecognizable, but not the 6a3458be35 eyes. He had abb5935c42 cold eyes. Yellow eyes that glowed de33c8a100 like a raptor in b751156059 the darkness.ca52f83091e7ddf2

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“Did you lie?” The voice added. “I’m sorry to hear that.”83275eac4f693b5c

The day af9eebd81f was coming 8853970b21 to an 9ffda6a1be end. Before he knew it, cd58ef40d8 all the surroundings were b76c2f6f28 dark. The sunset that had 659d58e8fb slipped through the gap c4e26acf24 of the curtains was a8cdc5e716 also fading.195dd2f667c6017c

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“I’m sorry. You got off work early for the first time in a long time, so you should have relaxed, but I interrupted you.”362e0dec77dc9e71

The intruder stepped 168043177a back. His shadow permeated 5042280d73 into the darkness.cf9a91e35c16b1e5

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“Ah, I’ll tell you that the attic window lock is broken. It opens just by pushing it with a finger. Why don’t you fix it as soon as possible? The world is so terrible these days…”14097f10658cc2ad

There was a crackling sound on the door before it opened. The intruder was about to leave. Oscar’s mind went blank. Should I let him a918dce938 go? Or should I 0340bde91e stab him in 32069eae93 the back?82776699f7193ba3

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While contemplating, the not a burglar and also not a monster who killed people for no reason intruder said, “If you’ll excuse me,” and left the study. Oscar, who was left there, stared blankly at the door. It all had been like a dream.f801fff793b4acac

***eade59daf79a2e46

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Shavonne wasn’t there when he got back. Was he out? Lewellyn needed a moment without Shavonne so he wouldn’t catch him and he got lucky.c2696b5f58429f54

Lewellyn compared the letter of “the man” with the manuscript he brought from Oscar’s house. I knew it. The handwriting was different. He had already guessed that much since Oscar’s voice was completely different from the voice of “the man” that he overheard through the door, but when he confirmed his guess with his own eyes, he felt bitter.712c7e74ae8e845e

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Oscar was not ‘the man’.27b6b3b6cef04cc1

The man was impersonating Oscar. So it was Impersonation, huh. Impersonation was solid proof that he was a fraud. Lewellyn was convinced that the ‘man’ was a fraud who dared to trick Shavonne for money.c3584e02aa381908

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Lewellyn burned out the manuscript he had brought from Oscar’s house. What should I 4298308e05 do? He thought as he watched the letter crumble into ashes. He had no intention of telling him that the man was an impersonator. Shavonne was already excited like a child at the thought of having a person who acknowledged himself and his novels. Lewellyn didn’t want to be the one who got him off the cloud.48e47d695e4a97d4

The answer was one. The ‘man’ himself had to withdraw from Shavonne. The method was easy. If he crushed two fingers, one index and one thumb, ‘the man’ would disappear without Lewellyn having to tell him to.d81a3f0f6314faba

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Of course, Shavonne couldn’t know about any of that. For Shavonne, Lewellyn was supposed to be a lovely lover.63566c3602d320e0

He had to do all of this to avoid being abandoned. Compassion, narcissism, vanity, longing, curiosity… All of them had to be pulled out of Shavonne to not be abandoned by him.4d2693281aabe448

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Lewellyn had to be fbf6004de8 the poor Lewellyn. He had to be 14b3b48e9f Lewellyn, who felt like 39bbff3909 looking at the mirror, 7bae73446a and Lewellyn, who was 1634666fc5 handsome, friendly, generous and 56f190e974 a good lover. Lewellyn had to 7948462ae4 be the one 0a2c3cb79f who made Shavonne 9df7fa248a accomplish things he 0faec60eb6 never had done, 6129a642e1 and the closer a084fbdb17 they got, the e93911470a more he should c6e673c538 want to know eb46b139b9 about him .fc5787656795a398

To do that, he should not be seen as a sneaky person secretly investigating what went around Shavonne, and he couldn’t come across as an unpleasant person who ruined Shavonne’s good mood.1934c7cdf09166ed

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He was good at acting. He didn’t worry about pretending to know nothing or pretending to be lovely. Lewellyn knew well what to do and what not to do. He won’t be thrown away this time. He had already failed once, there was not going to be a second time.33f2192a91228b6b

He unwrapped the bandage around his hand. He felt bad about it because Shavonne had wrapped it himself, saying it would heal quickly that way, but he couldn’t help it. The wound was healing. Even though it was a pretty deep wound caused by stabbing, cutting, and rummaging while self-inflicting, the bandage seemed to have worked.921d859217cf6eb1

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Lewellyn tore the wound apart as he looked into it. He was bleeding. He let the blood drop and gather in a puddle on the floor. Every time the blood was about to stop, Lewellyn crushed the wound so it wouldn’t stop. He did it five times. He heard the door open as Shavonne came back. He looked tired from his outing, and his complexion was pale. Lewellyn didn’t notice.343d1c530105eac3

“Mr. Shavonne.”8d7f75c4b2141523

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He got up from his seat. He didn’t forget to pretend to stumble. He went out to meet him and showed him his hand with a sad face. Perhaps because he had been reckless, his bloody hand still had blood flowing down.1f2241c8f0d7473f

“It’s bleeding again.” He added. “I think it’s infected.”254bffcfa8451db2

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He liked the way Shavonned opened his eyes wide when seeing the blood. He liked Shavonne’s twisted face while looking at his bloody hand and clicking his tongue while looking at the wound. He liked when he stopped the bleeding, when he bandaged him, and he liked when he scolded him, saying, “Be careful.”bd6d3094a0af81c0

However…8937fc97e352b97c

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“What are you doing without the bandage?”139ee628d64ef796

Shavonne replied. His voice was raspy dedec6e779 and heavy.499b9ece116676c0

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“I taught you how to do it.”4b87ef206e975bcc

Am I mistaken?3598890b96228fff

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Shavonne was a little, 1abf64f7d7 just a little, colder.28d1ccb831061dca

ff7dd5d7b7ce2b71

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***9d462e9ecd595cf4

The day Lewellyn left the house for the first time after a long time, Shavonne didn’t miss the chance and met Turner. He relied on the business card Turner gave him, but there was one suspicious thing – it wasn’t the address of Krainer Publishing, but the address of an apartment building which he presumed to be Turner’s home.5e12bb2287131841

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A multifamily residential. It felt more like e381d21b4b a prison though. The houses were all 5d0c44c1b6 closed, as if rejecting 010f0bfaa3 any kind of attention. There were iron bars a276e0ea92 over the closed windows 824be5ec46 so wide that no 50fd85bdee one could even put 27c3065324 their head, let alone 054c64e281 their body.7ac016c1579bde78

The front door in front of the guard post was closed. As I learned later, there was a system which consisted in the guard having to permit the entrance so the main gate could open. Not only to go in, but also to go out. It wasn’t possible to break in over the wall, as it was 3 meters high. You couldn’t climb using the stones or by running jump either.68e7c925fb33cea1

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A team of two 56387fe9f5 patrolled around the site, 8e37d3c61c both in and out. He could see c9512bee8c that they were df02d9c8c8 armed. Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later I should tell him, ‘I saw armed guards on the street.’714348ab5626a506

Even though he was reluctant, he couldn’t leave just like that. With an unsteady step, he headed to the guard post. Fortunately or not, when he gave the name Turner, Shavonne was sent into the building more smoothly than expected. Although it was more than he had ‘thought’, he was checked for about 20 minutes, and when he was brought into the apartment, his whole body was already exhausted, perhaps because Shavonne felt nervous.5e4c9ab9642896ed

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Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘I think I’m not feeling well. Just being nervous makes me exhausted.’f3516a17579d44f1

Turner led Shavonne to room 211. The inside of room 211 was so extravagant. Even if the apartment building had a spooky impression, like if it were a prison, it wasn’t like that inside.0a2e54ca19cb1841

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“It must have been a bit scary for you, right?”4e406efe6b8c4d9c

Turner asked instead of greeting him. He was talking about his first impression of the apartment building. Shavonne suppressed his desire to respond ‘I wouldn’t say just a bit’ and replied. “Not really, well …”fa981bcc12a88400

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His words became 2c83a4be38 slurred.What am I even saying? It’s obvious that lying by saying I was fine won’t work. It’s obvious that saying a compliment about how the guards are disciplined will sound sarcastic. But saying my true impression, that this looks like a prison, will come off as rude. Turner opened his mouth as I couldn’t stop thinking. He had a really nice smile that would make anyone look handsome.1aa1cdbbb16b57ed

“This place has good security.”1dd1d130059da978

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And he wasn’t wrong. “Yes, it looks good,” nodded Shavonne in agreement.298db7995ac471c4

“It costs 700 rona per month. I know, it’s a lot of money. I wouldn’t even have been able to live here if the publisher hadn’t sponsored me, but it’s worth every rona, as it’s impossible to find another house with more security than this no matter where you look.”3891c1734454aac9

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That sounded plausible. It was the first residential facility he saw that had a guard post like here, where they checked you every time you entered, a high wall and iron bars on each window. “Yes, I don’t think there’s a place in Bunch that’s as secure as this one.” Shavonne nodded in agreement.65807ff61617d9fd

By the way, 700 rona per month? It was an amount that Shavonne, who felt guilty just by spending 10 a month, couldn’t even imagine. 700 rona, 700 rona…Shavonne thought.When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘There’s an apartment that costs 700 rona a month. I’ve heard of it.’e449816b6653cafe

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“This is where Mr. Shavonne will work with me.”0bac4068fc94e6d3

700, 700, 700 a month… “Yes, this is where I’m going to work…” Shavonne nodded in agreement and stopped talking. He looked at Turner with wide eyes. “Where I’m going to work?”34414d27fc001c8d

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“Yes,” Turner replied, his voice lacking any hint of hesitation.2a0e1be9e665c5e6

“I work at home,” protested Shavonne. Turner explained. “Mr. Shavonne’s apartment doesn’t have good security. I don’t want Mr. Shavonne’s manuscript to be leaked and I don’t want Mr. Shavonne to write in such a poor environment.”ce353372fe19ef05

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“But isn’t this your house, Mr. Turner? I’d get it if it were the publishing company building, but sharing a private space like your home…” Shavonne protested. Turner explained.af6c625d1d28138e

“I don’t want to share my house. As originally planned, I was going to give you a studio attached to the publisher, but I didn’t find any place. It may be uncomfortable, but I hope you can work here until a room opens, so I want you to work here. The room where I and Mr. Shavonne work will be different, so we won’t bother each other.”82cf3a945de46843

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“No, that’s…”9bb892b40d925c14

He had no idea how to convince him. No, this probably was the best way for Turner, who had to put the manuscript’s security first, and Shavonne wasn’t sure whether opposing was the right thing to do. Shavonne let out a sigh. He stopped feeling uncomfortable, thinking that it was just work and that the only place to commute to and from work would be the apartment building.986c8955e71850ba

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“Oh, wait. I forgot.” Turner opened his mouth as if something had popped up in his mind. “You have to sign a contract.”dd738ca3f0a1c12d

A contract?4000badc9dcea550

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Shavonne had worked as a ghostwriter for eight years. Eight years. For those eight years, Shavonne hadn’t signed a contract not even once. No, more like he couldn’t sign one. Every time he requested a contract, the publisher repeatedly rejected it.a71b4edbf3a6b9c3

Some editors said, clicking their tongue, “Oh, a contract? Mr. Shavonne, it seems like you’re not familiar with the publishing industry. A ghostwriter can’t sign a contract,” and some editors said bewildered, “You want a contract? Do you think my publisher is going to rip you off or something? My publisher?” There was an editor who tried to ignore the petition, saying, “Let’s pretend that you never requested that. How can I work with a person who treats my publishing company as a fraud?”7eaa86836d772459

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Every time, 98cc2a7d42 Shavonne held 40cdf8bf65 back and f4cadd2667 worked without b28d7cd58b a contract. He was well d20b534ee4 aware that the 127f561c4b pay was low, bb8dcbfa28 the treatment was edc8c7fadd poor, and it d996b2ab43 was common for b4b6e17be5 them to withhold fb780cd9be the wages by 74ec52f6c0 taking advantage of 4969cd24b3 the lack of a344a51c9a a contract, but 84d1e6310e he had no 4f2db809c3 choice.41767da3cc0ac8a0

He had no 6355ae178c money. Without a contract, ed8f2e062e he might get 996c7167d5 kicked out of 2d58d1c700 his apartment for 754c47689e not being able 5ee33247e0 to afford rent, 49b8380969 or he might c7fd8992f1 starve to death cbc8d79eec for not having 605fbb0c29 money to buy b83b1426c6 groceries. So he had no 4278bb3453 choice but to open 18d63dd1d5 his eyes wide when 3420725d57 Turner, editor of Krainer 34ab62c6a9 Publishing, asked him to 9ec683639a sign a contract.760055c30dea0721

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“You have to sign it. There must be a contract if you’re going to work.”e1ee2d0d88c15a88

Really? He felt nervous. He thought he knew the publishing industry, having worked in it for 8 years. It seems he was mistaken. What Shavonne knew was not the publishing industry, but the ‘bottom’ of the publishing industry. Perhaps that thought was clearly reflected on Shavonne’s face, because when Turner saw Shavonne’s face, he added in a nonchalant tone.55acc135f00e5140

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“You have to do it unless it isn’t a legit publisher.”a9783bf44a995ec0

I have to do it…Shavonne thought, curious. Would Turner know? The fact that 21fde734b6 this was a ef1da3da1e natural procedure for a5875526dd some but not f605205806 for Shavonne.27607a81384efb80

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Then, he received 3e64465d6b a pen and 7bc0edcf07 signed the contract. While he was signing cb60bcdaac the contract, Turner suddenly d12e6b59ba spoke up.69d5e95b82302da3

“There will be a contest at the royal palace this winter.”475f84660bc52ad2

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A contest? Shavonne raised his head and looked at Turner because he didn’t know what was the intention behind those words. Turner followed up with an explanation.86c8f995ebcdedff

“It’s an annual event. Last year, it was a hunting contest. The year before, it was a shooting contest. A decade ago, it was a contest to determine the finest orator in Bunch. This year is different. As it was planned, it should have been a contest to determine the best rider in Bunch… but because the princess, who monopolizes the love of the royal family, is a bookworm, it changed.”c55263009bfd811a

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So what? Shavonne still didn’t know what Turner was talking about.812449ee8d2fb2a8

“The princess is looking for a writer who can be called the pride of Brunch.”ce91a6b9d7e08e15

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Turner’s eyes were fixed on a single point in the air. His eyes were impenetrable.12d523d8be162599

“There are no restrictions on who can apply. However, I’m sure the royal family would prefer the one to be called ‘the pride of Bunch’ to be someone unexpected. The less works published, the younger, and the less privileged the background someone has, the more advantageous it will be for them in the judging.”16f3230e5c55e975

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No way.Shavonne stopped the pen. He looked f66c3cd901 at Turner 0a9576f1fd with fearful d447018e3a eyes.No way, 57dc107ec2 no way…8d30acceb26e3cec

“We need a meteor¹.”e7b74d82161a423b

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I knew it, 75e833e7cb I had an 298a874c14 ominous premonition.5f797879d66fef77

“And you will be our meteor.”d1ebb5dfa4502229

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Shavonne wanted to protest. But Turner spoke 3f1377cb78 first to prevent 5a6fe4d5b8 him from doing bb15a6f8b8 so. He started explaining.dc2d4f84551e0428

“Don’t feel pressured. You can fail. I just want your writing to be discovered. I can’t let good writing pass me by. It’s like finding a gem while walking and not picking it up while pretending you didn’t see it. The royal competition is just a secondary ambition.”6a581881b4544197

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Even if it was just a secondary ambition, it still felt burdensome. The greater the expectations, the greater the disappointment. Shavonne didn’t want to disappoint the person who had first said that Shavonne’s abilities were the best.6fd4d8657fa6f317

“Whether it’s your main ambition or a secondary one, let it go. It will not be me.”084f4b7d905cbd06

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“Mr. Shavonne, if that’s what you say, then I have no intention of arguing. But there’s one thing you should know.” There was a heavy resonance in Turner’s voice. “My eyes have never been wrong.”c39e0f02ebff3727

He just needed to finish signing the contract. But Shavonne couldn’t sign it. He couldn’t even put down the pen. His gaze fixed on the contract was trembling. It was a gaze entangled with the anxiety of not being able to pull it off, the expectation that he might be able to, the fear of disappointing Turner, and the thrill that Turner might be proud of him.fe37bc8afc8fe547

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After who knows how 8b0109f0d4 long, Shavonne signed the f277f51870 contract. It was easy. So trivial compared to 39db556114 the time he had c00e75ebac hesitated. As he put 17dfdcfcba down the pen, 6e2c29d6f4 his hand was 4d8ea9ad0e sticky. He had b6e81e2329 sweated a ccb51cef08 lot because 218b1cbe6d of his a1ce831d10 nervousness.a48275288ea66091

Shavonne thought,When I meet Lewellyn later, I should tell him, ‘Editor Turner believes in me and my writing. And not only that, but he thinks I have the potential to win the royal competition. I’m scared, anxious, and pressured… but strangely happy.’0c1b34c7c308980f

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But I can’t. Even when he was just exchanging letters, he was worried that Lewellyn might harm Turner, but now it was more than just worry, it was fear. Fear that Turner might disappear, that he might withdraw his trust, that he might no longer say that Shavonne’s writing abilities were the best.e05c280fd568029d

Someday he would 750e018e1a be able to 28e5222fb2 tell him. The chances were slim, 458190ccc5 but if by any 8005bb2a11 chance Shavonne was chosen ad56c6ec53 as the pride of 727776afa7 Brunch in the royal 768340a697 competition…That will be the “someday” when I can tell him, Shavonne thought.d875cb5450877c2c

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It would be a good ending for everyone. Shavonne would be happy, Turner who trusted him would be happy, and Lewellyn who watched his lover succeed would be happy too. It would be proven that Turner was Shavonne’s benefactor, so Lewellyn would have no reason to suspect, resent, or be upset with Turner.cb44eeaa4cf790e7

His heart raced. A life with 680b571999 money, honor, his b5639f09d4 loyal lover Lewellyn, d3a358d380 and his editor fcc6511bfd Turner who said 9baa1b5202 that Shavonne was f9380b704d exceptional. Shavonne believed without 2ba24cddd8 a doubt that b460ef1dda it would be 7cd81eada6 the happiest life 9e58b105b0 imaginable.177c98da962c48aa

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It was already 6 o’clock in the afternoon. He took his eyes off the clock and stood up from his seat. “I’ll head out first.” He wanted to go home before dinner. Shavonne loved having dinner with Lewellyn. (Of course, he also loved having breakfast, lunch, and staying up all night with him, but still.) He liked to sprawl on the bed and look out the window, touch the curtains fluttering in the evening breeze, listen to the silence, and smell the faint aroma of fragrant bread wafting in from somewhere. He didn’t want to skip a single day.d2ea7c285e8a422d

But it seemed Turner didn’t want that.d76c33c55550c847

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“Leaving already?”ff073599eb32e2b0

Turner seemed a little f236d7d038 disappointed.405ca3bffe919a49

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“Yes, it’s already time…”823630a4bf07eebc

Shavonne had wanted to say, ‘We’ve already met each other, discussed everything, and signed the contract, so is there anything else to do?’ but he held back, worried that he would come across as if he only cared about business. Fortunately, Turner didn’t press him further. Instead,ccd7f27c0d73d247

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“Let’s have a glass of champagne in celebration.”a9cabc5c1768c071

Shavonne knew that a “glass of champagne” didn’t really mean just one glass. One, two glasses… if they started drinking, it would be night before he could return home.241b0e2af045d32c

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‘I know Lewellyn will be waiting all night.’f411bfbc66c3105c

The image of Lewellyn loitering like a ghost at the entrance of the apartment building on a rainy day, soaked without even an umbrella, waiting for Shavonne, flashed in his mind. Shavonne sighed inwardly. It would have been better if Lewellyn didn’t care whether Shavonne stayed out or not.cbf3eb07d68f5909

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“I should be going.”5054be60ac5e8f2e

“Why?” Turner tilted his head. “Do you have someone waiting for you? A lover?”5d6d118794a3778b

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Yes, a lover, Shavonne was about to agree, but he paused to think it over. Turner’s eyes suddenly lit up. It was an aggressive look. “A lover, you say? I’m curious.”c9331206183b8f5b

A warning bell went off in his head. If Turner indulged his curiosity and met Lewellyn… A shiver ran through his whole body. If Lewellyn harmed Turner, or if somehow Lewellyn’s true nature as a murderer was revealed and Turner reported him, Lewellyn would get hurt. Shavonne had to avoid this situation at all costs.1d243e4778f259bc

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Shavonne quickly made an c4993c8454 excuse, blurting out a 719cd56be4 lie he had once 993540851e told Doctor Fawkes.47342eb312d8d376

“It’s a dog. Not a person…”5c82ac3e95241cee

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“A dog?”edae9ccc8944f167

Fortunately, Turner didn’t seem suspicious. Shavonne nodded. “Yes. A very big dog.” But the relief was short-lived. The next moment, Turner asked a question Shavonne hadn’t anticipated.8607d0bdd96477c6

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“What breed is it?”5a0707d7dca82970

“I used to have a dog too,” Turner said with a friendly smile. Meanwhile, Shavonne went pale. What breed? Not only had he never raised a dog, he didn’t even have any knowledge about them.7505f8db82fbd04e

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“I… don’t know.”8dcd31de97712982

“Is that so?”d17f23c1d45b5402

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Turner didn’t seem to care much. But he kept asking questions, as if he thought he had found a good topic of conversation with Shavonne.236e63e2f3af9575

“Where is he from?”9f3337693c545795

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From? Where’s Lewellyn 2e56f12def from again? Shavonne racked his brain but couldn’t recall where Lewellyn was from.fc6dccdef10a9299

“I don’t know that either.”0b00befe6fb27ad2

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“What about his bloodline?”a22e4b0c0b734f94

Bloodline? Lewellyn’s bloodline? Shavonne searched his memory but couldn’t remember anything about his family.54f3c0446a79e656

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“I… don’t know that either.”f3ddf04f4091af22

“Has he been educated?”86d613efad8f6082

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Education? Lewellyn’s education? Shavonne rummaged through his memories but couldn’t recall Lewellyn’s educational background. Shavonne’s face paled. It wasn’t because his lie was about to be exposed, but because he realized he didn’t actually know anything about Lewellyn as a person.d969773259664307

“…”662d748b3d757213

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“You don’t know that either.”f0001a930c6c85b2

Turner’s expression became peculiar, as if silently asking, ‘Are you really his owner?’956a67148b3f0b24

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That had c9c08eb7dd been enough. Shavonne said he had 3d8d2eace8 to go and hurriedly dde233a868 left the house. The sunset was fading. The shadows were long.60ead725bc8f7ce2

Why don’t I 52425887a9 know any of edddf360f6 that?8a9caa66e67b354c

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No, why ce736c2570 hasn’t Lewellyn 00933a5dd9 told me?4353e61946bbb95b

Was it because 2e80bb2745 there was no e4dace39eb need to say 11743ff239 it?a7cde2c95538703c

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Or perhaps…b98982a8116df9c1

Lewellyn deliberately didn’t tell me?ca6c8f484d3c0013

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As Shavonne entered cfb3b45d4e the apartment, his 748acfc952 footsteps became heavy.‘It’s possible that he deliberately didn’t tell me.’A shadow fell 5237130c2b over his face. An old 1450aedaa0 conversation with f8d70f3bde Lewellyn faintly b56a99da4f echoed in fe5575b2b8 his mind.c00d163da67f33c2

— …Could it be that you peel onions for a living? It’s just that… it seems you don’t have any other work besides peeling onions, but you have a lot of money.28548178cdcc5e61

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— Which 0efcf4d233 one is 5bf8abddb0 better?c4e1ab03f752024e

— What?b526d2f6cd938aac

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— Depending on 0ca152526e what Mr. Shavonne prefers, I could 738c2fd5e1 be an aristocrat or 2c057a9b7c a lucky heir who 2fd7598cc3 lives in luxury thanks 2309faca9e to the inheritance of 38be1c7f15 a distant relative.a1f25b7a61cf65c2

That meant Lewellyn wouldn’t reveal his ‘true’ identity.d27dbe3ebaa2fa79

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He wouldn’t reveal a98243cd32 it.b904e097db3a3642

Lewellyn’s attitude had remained the same as when they weren’t lovers.1026273bb570371d

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That left him with a bitter taste. It’s not that Shavonne didn’t understand Lewellyn. Everyone had secrets. Shavonne himself had secrets he hid even from Lewellyn, the one was on his ‘side’. But understanding and sadness were separate. His chest felt heavy, as if crushed.968dd6d0f2aabcd8

One shouldn’t demand something from a lover. Of course, that ‘something’ includes interrogating about a truth you don’t want to discover.2a35404e4c430731

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But…63347d5f5630623e

In front of Room 303. Shavonne hesitated before turning the doorknob. His heart was pounding. Suddenly, if Lewellyn disappeared. If Lewellyn wasn’t there when he opened this door… how would Shavonne find him then? He didn’t know Lewellyn’s hometown, education, or family. He didn’t even know anyone who knew Lewellyn. The only things Shavonne knew about Lewellyn were his appearance, eating habits, and that he goes by the common name Lewellyn, which may or may not be his real name.99358d5947921434

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Without Lewellyn…34ec0cbfe65175ad

If I’m left alone in a world without Lewellyn…b207720090234ccf

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‘…’7801b09facd3fd21

He stopped the thought. It was an anxiety that couldn’t be solved by just ignoring it. He had to stop it. Even if he couldn’t completely stop it, he couldn’t help but try88abe7eba970a96a

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He opened 92721288d0 the door. The sound of the cae51957ef door opening was dull.cd2d525fca41d256

“Mr. Shavonne.”0f9b209189a9bfa5

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Lewellyn was inside. That was a stroke a69a34e802 of luck. But Lewellyn staggering towards e5926859f6 him and showing his 57d860f21c bloodstained hands wasn’t.1637709ee6b34999

“It’s bleeding again,” Lewellyn said, his voice lacking vigor. “Seems the wound opened up.”923f2c5e053c25ce

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There was a puddle of blood on the floor the same size of a hand. Shavonne involuntarily felt his face stiffen. Lewellyn wasn’t dumb. He knew that blood loss could kill a person. And still…e1b4b9cc943dde8d

“What have you been doing without even applying pressure to stop the bleeding?”ce82efd7551e92e8

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Shavonne replied, 5e0d416c66 his voice 817b39c419 raspy and aad0e95b4b heavy.7d8b0e6ce122da5d

“I taught you how to do it, didn’t I?”55f5708a5a386976

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If he was left alone in a world without Lewellyn. Shavonne knew the answer to that. He would live. He wouldn’t die like a character in a play, nor would he be transformed like a character in old tales that were passed down orally. He would just… live. Go back to where he was, and somehow survive like he had before meeting Lewellyn. Because life wasn’t a play or an old tale. Life wasn’t romantic.0d8dd0a57a2d311e

“…Where are you from?”2ccce427c897756c

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Shavonne asked. Lewellyn didn’t answer. He had expected that much.6a916a4f9399832f

“What about your family?”81a762f29aae47f7

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Again, there was 3faa4087e4 no answer. He had cef2cb8556 also expected 9a32966eec that much.ecda7746a9765213

Even if Shavonne kept asking, nothing would change. Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer, Shavonne would ask, Lewellyn would not answer… it was as clear as day.688a5adacb9b209f

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But Shavonne continued 39123d11f0 to ask. He had 6005973edf a glimmer ad3a6ebf3e of hope. A faint hope 2fa8058e87 that perhaps Lewellyn d8519a67fd would reveal his 75a540f2b2 identity.0b511cf2d8dd9bd2

“…Did you go to school?”fdeaa12586d15cfc

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Of course, 3e3b2269e4 still no 7414ea3f71 response.f490ad7fe1321d81

I’m glad d4e4585639 I didn’t cb74abb90b get my c951885eae hopes up, Shavonne thought.If I had, I would have been disappointed. And if I was disappointed, I would have been heartbroken…He swallowed 44bd962c12 his thoughts 5184debbbd and said fd390bc705 nothing.e62eef454d349476

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“Mr. Shavonne.”30da7eb994aa9b8f

A voice said 6a29cb2b84 so faint that 6071b6eefc one would have 450b43c013 to listen closely 553be98151 to catch it. It was Lewellyn.5feea757fe46863c

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“I’m bleeding.”2385f02b15c1e63a

Tak.The sound of 8f4ea0f31a a drop of 65e2392eec blood falling from dadb436273 his hand echoed.7b138400ecdd32b2

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***8082070f40c727d7

Night. It was a 8779882ea9 new moon, so d2101b6ed9 there was not 8631c0042d even a faint d43694fc9e moonlight, and the 3dc9535af5 whole world was d3865587be pitch black.0a933dfbb143eb4e

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Shavonne was awake. He was too tired from going out, and for some reason, the sex that Shavonne had initiated and actively participated in was even more tiring, but he strangely couldn’t sleep. Tossing and turning on the bed in just his underwear, staring at the sleeping Lewellyn who had fallen asleep as soon as the sex was over, closing his eyes, then opening them wide again as he couldn’t sleep and glared at the ceiling.005572afb4af4702

How long 2050520e58 have I f4baeb4cdf been like 78d86a5edf this?Hundreds or f1eeeba929 thousands of e138d1378a dots that eaee6147ed looked like dece41538e tiny insects 99e06364ab began to 253b345549 appear on 43c2ec139a the completely fe9ad43b0a black ceiling.5f73f3041dc42413

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I can’t do this anymore, Shavonne thought 3b6d0accc7 as he got 99932111f6 up from the 879d1ad610 bed. The blanket he had cca63cfaa2 shared with Lewellyn slid 235d309dbe off. He decided he should 83972dc04a read a dictionary. When not ddd784a338 working on fce3744722 a manuscript, 85d31371f5 be it eede29c3a8 ghostwritten or 831296b110 self-written, he d3813da371 mainly used c230385394 the dictionary 52788a728d as a ee13a99894 sleeping pill.2cbbb416b27c324b

He wanted to 8bf1d0ebce turn on the 7d7c3b4c3f light, but he e43fdd741b was worried it 792210a377 would wake Lewellyn, 9ddd6f13f2 who was still 265cea03de sleeping. If there was moonlight, 5b07979728 he could have relied aab3b9294a on it to read 96fd8b8e60 the dictionary, but that 81b8e000b1 wasn’t the case today.Should I 7bf2eb3101 light the ab0e2840c1 gas lamp? Or the oil 68d6d11e57 lamp?After deliberating, 31f2a5c3b5 Shavonne decided 3fb614bd37 to use fae8680369 a match.7bf09df48bf30a01

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He walked to the desk. It was so dark that he couldn’t even tell where the door or the window was, but because he has been living for 8 years in Room 303, he was able to find his way by feel, though his hip couldn’t help but collide with the corner of the desk.1ea293be1502734a

Feeling it 11f7b04ce8 in the 367b10f881 dark, he 320247c4ab opened the 086ecf7667 second drawer 3dec3228d9 of the a99ef4c770 desk and 264be73bbc pulled out 898b2297bc a small a3798d2de6 box that 4ac5de28b5 fit snugly 5df91eb6fa in his 66f038243f hand. It was a matchbox.37fbe77e2237c8fc

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Flick. As he lit the feaa8c5d1e match, a flame was ca99706810 briefly lit on the 1472042b29 matchstick before going out. The match flame 9c862d37af was lit for c64632f373 only a moment. It was 793f2b8dd5 too short a69521681a to even 75a4ef99de make out 54fe34ef34 what was f3750fa898 what.2b2841be8eea1086

Shavonne saw ‘something’.60d1dd5af0676c5b

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Before he could a8a2990151 confirm whether it ef3a3447a4 was real or 02b165b1bc just his imagination, a45ab8925a the world turned a42b7a1b5c pitch black again. Only the unlit dc07ce5635 matchstick remained in b82c6faa24 his hand.6e2e6a41bbaaaaf5

…That was probably just my imagination, Shavonne thought. Recalling the tiny afterimages that looked like insects on the ceiling, it wasn’t a completely baseless speculation.b637ea5bf1df0f4a

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But…0ccbdd2ec7ad7a83

Trying to calm his 897ce3b1f7 pounding heart, he pulled f6fe0dca2d out a new matchstick.Chk, chk. Even after trying, the match refused to light. He decided that he would have to light the gas lamp if the match didn’t light this time as he tried to lit the match once again, and this time the flame suddenly flared up, almost as if it was a lie. It was a small flame, but it was enough to illuminate the room. Of course, it was also enough for Shavonne to confirm what the ‘something’ was.ba0a2955e8bf2701

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It was a body. Lewellyn’s body.dc241ed6cfe9a21c

His body was covered in scars. Although it was too dark, even at a glance, Shavonne could see the scars of cuts, burns, and bruises intertwined. He couldn’t even count how many scars there were. He almost couldn’t see the bare skin as it was so thoroughly covered in scars. It was astonishing that Lewellyn hadn’t been crippled by his injuries.0048464427c8e32b

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Suddenly, an image of Lewellyn’s fingernails flashed through his mind. In stark contrast to his beautiful face, his ten fingernails were hideously misshapen, enough to make anyone cringe.b3004fdd0cc9dc9a

What Shavonne didn’t know wasn’t just Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education.91ad2075ea6732e1

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The match went out. The darkness enveloped the room again, so deep that Shavonne couldn’t even make out what was what, let alone Lewellyn’s body. Fucking cheap matches. Cursing silently, Shavonne rummaged through the matchbox. Just as he was about to strike a new match…86042cfff077339a

“…Mr. Shavonne.”595a529be931e44e

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Shavonne stopped his hand. The friction 60a719fc39 on the e7b8d34a08 matchstick halted 113d9ca352 as well. His back stiffened.c2e1e73a7280e8c1

“What… are you doing right now?”2abd4960b57d39fa

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A voice b8ec6abb85 came from 0974916b26 the darkness.99b525d46af04e93

His mind went blank. Not knowing how to respond, Shavonne simply remained silent. The urge to know the stories behind the scars rose up like a thorn in his throat. He tried to control the impulse, repeatedly reminding himself that he shouldn’t hurt the person he loves, even out of idle curiosity. But every time he tried to control the impulse, a voice echoed in his head, stirring up the urge.38d18d6a4db7f4c3

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‘Why do you have to control yourself?’22ada78458fa3b87

‘You want to know what kind of person he is because you love him. It’s only natural.’dcfda5424ee461c6

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‘Sharing secrets is a privilege reserved to only those who love each other. If you can’t do that, what’s the point of being family, friends, or lovers? It’s just a facade.’f293e0de97319484

‘Isn’t the position of lover supposed to be special? If it’s not special, why call it a relationship? Not telling anything is the same as with a complete stranger or a homeless person. No, worse than a homeless person. You might think you’ll never cross paths again, so you can spill everything to a homeless person, but not to a lover.’aaf33fbbd9dcf7b8

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The image of Turner looking at him as if asking ‘Are you really his owner?’ flashed in his mind. That face. That gaze. It would not be strange at all to replace it with ‘Are you really his lover?’d835718614521a75

Shavonne managed to control his thoughts. Of course, Shavonne was hurt. But he knew that just because he was hurt, he shouldn’t jump to conclusions or allow his thoughts to flow to extremes.c8b213bd1582326c

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Between what his head knew and what his heart demanded, between reason and emotion, calculation and impulse, Shavonne was in a tug-of-war. Unless Shavonne was convinced or Lewellyn confessed his secret, this tug-of-war would likely never end. It couldn’t be helped. If only love were 4b7d59ccd4 always sweet, but reality 811b6140fa is far from that.d17c6e696a9726b2

It was Lewellyn who woke up the lost in thought Shavonne. In the darkness, a silhouette indistinguishable from the darkness seemed to move, and before Shavonne knew it, it was right in front of him. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to react. Lewellyn grabbed Shavonne’s hand. The grip, strong enough to be impossible to shake off, crushed the matchbox Shavonne was holding.72a84f8753dfec39

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“I asked you a question.”b22be5e7bf83d1be

It was a 3c57cefd6a low voice. Suppressing his rising emotions, b875eb8f5c he pronounced each syllable 7d5a04f8b0 with effort. Shavonne had 73a7c49c86 never thought a3696a437c Lewellyn could 4693552551 speak like f4a56c5e2a that, but 4349d2712d apparently he 8f1817e804 was wrong.0032fcf76bc152cd

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He was dazed. Shavonne knew nothing. Not only Lewellyn’s hometown, family, and education, but also the countless scars on the body that had mingled with Shavonne’s, the stories behind the scars, the reason for hiding them… what kind of person Lewellyn really is, too.bc8a999527a4afa4

Shavonne didn’t 91b817da15 know Lewellyn.4505beae4ac9102c

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“I asked what you were doing.”3241986c50c18178

He said in a growl. Perhaps it was an illusion, but his voice seemed to be trembling slightly. The crushed matchbox fell to the floor. The dull sound of it colliding with the tip of his shoe and rolling on the floor echoed. Shavonne wanted to pick it up, but with Lewellyn firmly grasping him, he couldn’t even budge, let alone pick it up. He never knew human grip could be this powerful. It felt like all his common sense was being overturned.4cbafafee8fde2e2

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Darkness. Amid it, a bright a4e97f9d7b yellow eye flickered like b3da8e3d9d a nocturnal raptor. As Shavonne 001f247b67 met that f744b2d59f gaze, a a212eb9c1f cold chill b15e2cc339 belatedly seeped c61b352406 into his 6c1f072397 numb mind. Shavonne snapped out 8d9229ccef of his daze.386e891d4597d82f

“Let go.”d3fcb0597ffa7087

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But Lewellyn didn’t let 17f44b39e3 go. Not only did he 6adcb5a56d not let go, but fad754c351 his grip even strengthened, 36e2157a59 enough to make Shavonne 78c8cf2169 wince slightly from the 66d6331578 pain.2867f7eee0080de0

“What did you see?”cc672c47b0699496

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Shavonne thought about Lewellyn’s questions shifting from what he had done to what he had seen. Lewellyn knew what Shavonne did. He probably also knew what Shavonne had seen. But why did he insist on getting confirmation, Shavonne couldn’t even guess.dd2e9abc5c938ebe

He focused his 42a9118bc1 gaze on the eb6f06bd23 darkness. Somewhere out there, there af80b10977 was Lewellyn. A body covered in b9295c2e92 horrific scars, gruesome enough c0832510f9 to require courage to 03ab8a6fbd look at directly. As he thought about a893153957 it, his lips parted ed552a9e5f and the question came c44975633f out.a40e17e51f7c92f3

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“…How did that happen?”be53a347eb29e369

Shavonne did not miss 1c1f30a274 the way Lewellyn stiffened c077b682c3 at those words.ad60ac773b5f0dd9

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“You don’t want to talk about it?”8828e897fb6d4366

Silence. Worried that he had 53e2da9717 pressured him, Shavonne quickly 26fdc78dee said.a53255c6374ab0f6

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“If you don’t want to, you don’t have to…”3c48729ffd32bdfd

“Did you see them?”71098b85bd961a56

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Huh?The sudden words left 2973ffa11f him flustered, but only 4917582183 briefly.a521b3fe8f198741

It was obvious what he was asking about with that. His body. And the scars on his body. Shavonne hesitated, then nodded. That’s when Lewellyn started to let go of Shavonne, but then suddenly changed and firmly grasped both of Shavonne’s wrists.7db599cdc007fcd8

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It felt like his bones were being crushed. It hurt so much that Shavonne thought he might shed a few tears. When he was first grasped, he thought the grip was strong, but compared to now, it was barely ticklish. Shavonne unconsciously twisted his wrists to break free, but Lewellyn didn’t let go. The more he struggled, the more tenacious Lewellyn became, like a demon vine in a swamp, trapping Shavonne.7c9cf0a302b509ad

“You’re going to abandon me, aren’t you? You will, right? You’re going to abandon me?”9697d02d1042ae7f

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That had been a drastic change. Bewildered, Shavonne forgot about twisting his wrists and looked up at Lewellyn. It was too dark to see Lewellyn’s expression, but judging from the trembling voice, he could roughly guess.859018ae23a36e7f

“Now you know what I am, right? Alright. Okay, alright. There’s no way you don’t know. You don’t want to be with me anymore, do you? I’m hideous, aren’t I? Repulsive? You don’t want to see my face or hear my voice, right? Mn? Right?”6131a538c61dc9f8

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‘He seems dangerous…’ He couldn’t lose his own reason in front of someone who had lost theirs. If only one of them lost their reason, it might be fine, but if the two of them lost their reason together, who knows what disaster might occur. Shavonne quickly regained his composure. He mustered every scrap of calm and spoke softly.ec6dbc970c19b13e

“Listen to me.”9e5b9386670d5987

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Of course, it didn’t get through at all.df53d50f5e049be5

“You won’t touch me anymore, right? Yes, you won’t. Even if they’re hidden under my clothes, you’ll remember them. Even if the lights are off and nothing is visible, you’ll remember!”6d1bbbbfceb122c8

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“…Mr. Lewellyn.”7014199a63b2577b

Of course, this time too, his words didn’t go through at all. Not because he deliberately ignored it, but because with his eyes rolled back – he couldn’t hear anything right now. But listening to the nonsensical rambling one after another, feeling ignored and not understanding what he meant, Shavonne couldn’t help but get angry.c8b05fb3bc6d124e

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“This isn’t what I wanted to be. It’s not. I didn’t want to… Shavonne knows that too, right? I wanted to be Lewellyn too. I wanted to be Shavonne’s Lewellyn, but…”d7f24eee5c12cf46

“Lewellyn.”33e5b9dddcc474b5

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“It’s not my fault, right? No, it’s my fault? Is it my fault? Mr. Shavonne, Mr. Shavonne, aren’t you a good person? You’re a good person, right? Mn? Don’t throw me away. I won’t let you go…”a3b15f00da7a5437

“Oi.”2901b2a6a3705ee2

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The rambling stopped.e915e2672ed5f5ee

Silence fell. Lewellyn stared blankly at Shavonne. The unfocused eyes were slowly regaining focus. The crushing grip on Shavonne’s wrists finally loosened. ‘Oi.’ It was a rude address, but it was effective.36cae5ac3929a872

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He hesitated whether to apologize for talking informally, but decided not to. Lewellyn had also used casual speech before (what was it again? ‘Shavonne, do you still have my candle?’), so that made them even.e1f80bbd1a8f6f06

Glancing down, he looked at his wrists. The grip had been so strong that the blood flow was cut off, making his hands deathly pale. Even in the dark, it was visible to that degree, so in a brighter place, he would be as pale as a ghost. He hoped his hands wouldn’t swell up and interfere with his writing, but he wasn’t very confident it wouldn’t.9d516221af82c72c

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Shavonne let out a deep sigh. Tearing his eyes away from his wrists, he looked at Lewellyn. Lewellyn’s complexion was also deathly pale. Not as pale as Shavonne’s hands, but not much better.a9abfe92e789fa92

“Mr. Lewellyn,” Shavonne said. “It’s just a scar.”74205706edd4567a

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“…”403242dea0cfa6e7

“I won’t lie to you. They’re unpleasant to see. To the point where you’d need to mentally prepare yourself before seeing them.”ba35898d2d86ee52

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He had been eight years old, perhaps. He had worked as an errand boy at a private hospital, as instructed by the orphanage director. Even though it was a private clinic, Shavonne’s duties were simple tasks like boiling dishcloths, washing towels, or sweeping and cleaning rooms.6695bb8a6e10239c

The difficult part was going to the rooms. There were patients there. Some had severe burns all over their bodies, some were missing legs, and some had their faces covered in blisters to the point where it was hard to tell where the eyes, nose, and mouth were… Later, he learned that they were disabled war veterans. The private hospital was caring for these war veterans with no family.174985ce72b8dc55

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It was terrifying, like 7b2e13349c seeing monsters. For the eight year 31beee8da4 old Shavonne, going to b4c758911f the patient wards was 84acf266e2 a form of self-inflicted 2ea87a0432 torment, akin to entering 93c7944e86 the lair of monsters. As soon as he 13a9a0af3a was done delivering the 6d6e9a4974 ledgers, snacks, or water, b659f7b098 Shavonne would scurry out 3d6bcae396 of the ward in 1404b16129 a hurry.34654f6bb46e130a

There were times when he was ordered to clean the wards, but then he would just do a half-assed job and finish it in about ten minutes. The doctors, nurses, or other workers would sometimes slap him for cleaning so carelessly, but he couldn’t help it. He was afraid the monsters would devour him.9a3eb9d87563e394

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However, that was 902b70c1f6 when Shavonne was 09988e0c41 eight. Shavonne wasn’t a 7f7e3e77ae little boy anymore. He knew the 24539e0721 interior didn’t necessarily 02d920076e have to match a10a8ea94b the exterior. Being unpleasant to the 864e38d065 sight didn’t make one bee627d425 a monster, and being 7aabb3d3a6 beautiful didn’t make one f487e34f19 a fairy. Similarly, being unpleasant d325a34195 to see didn’t 8a9b5c52c7 make one a 51a5801e7d fairy, and being 3ba01a2491 beautiful didn’t make 53af5a78d2 one a monster.e1098682548d9243

“But what does that have to do with anything?”db3aa162fd4ba3c4

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“…”f8fae910f1ca7866

“I lov… I mean, I like you, but it’s not because you don’t have scars.”b94e0c0bc8448f49

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He loved Lewellyn. At first, it was because Lewellyn was ‘on his side’, but now… it was not as simple as that. He liked that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… there were many reasons. If he had to pick just one reason for loving him, he couldn’t.3a6bdad76f51178e

Lewellyn said nothing. It was as if he didn’t trust Shavonne.d7e443fc1d6cd3cb

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There was no use saying “Please trust me” or “Trust me or don’t” to someone with that kind of look. Shavonne let out a silent sigh. There was nothing he could do. Lewellyn must have his own reasons for not trusting Shavonne, just as Shavonne couldn’t trust Lewellyn because he didn’t know him. A fleeting thought crossed his mind – can there df4c3a6967 be love 0a3ff8952d without trust? – before disappearing.e6688bf438925344

That’s when it happened. Lewellyn, who had been silently gazing at Shavonne, spoke in a voice tinged with wariness.526e913a00149db1

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“…Do you still like me?”31a48482fab2b12c

It was a good question. Shavonne quickly nodded his head. Worried that the gesture couldn’t be seen in the dark, he belatedly added, “Yes, I still like you.”86d0a281c106840f

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After a 27f9a3a7ad silence, Lewellyn 77a9454f4d spoke again, 401fd83467 still wary.ceb9adcddf835500

“…Really?”eb54c20d15b9e2c5

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“Yes, really.”65492032db054c2f

“…Why?”ce85c9cd94ce7e7b

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Shavonne couldn’t list all the reasons – that he liked Lewellyn being on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne… He decided to sum it up.86ce3aeadaf5a07d

“Because you’re likable.”1dcd3ff1fcf6a055

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He gave a faint smile. He didn’t know if Lewellyn could see it in the dark, but he wanted to smile for him anyway.2dd0aea165178448

Lewellyn didn’t respond. As Shavonne silently watched him, he suddenly asked a question. “And you?” It was the same question. “Why do you like me?”0fe04a19f5776fc4

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It seemed like an easy question, but apparently it wasn’t. Lewellyn’s voice was heard from the darkness long after.b74744f3c9cebb7d

“…Because I can’t help but like you.”c964e155482f3a74

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Shavonne thought. If the reasons he had listed – that Lewellyn was on his side, that he was tall, that his voice was soft, that his smile was bright, that his eye-smile was charming, that he was as good in bed, that he was charmingly arrogant while pretending to be polite, that he liked onions, that he wrote ‘New Yeer’ instead of ‘New Year’, that he liked sleeping in late with Shavonne – were the reasons Shavonne had brushed off as “Because you’re likable,” then what could the reasons be that Lewellyn had brushed off as “Because I can’t help but like you”?4f7e75ebcc2690aa

At that moment, Lewellyn’s voice was heard. “I can’t help it.” Lewellyn said. “Shavonne. I can’t help it.” The shadow seemed to be approaching, and then he whispered, almost inaudibly, “I have to kiss you.” And in an instant, he pressed his lips against Shavonne’s. The hand grabbing the back of Shavonne’s neck, the colliding noses, the overlapping lips – all were cold. It was an unusual cold kiss.797c53d7629c3cc9

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How long have 2a9cd2805f we been like 0eee07a0d8 this?Lewellyn pulled away. Maybe his night vision b145be48fe was good, because even b667b702af in the dark, he 821a297e2f could see everything as 2ebb551dac he put on his 8435585ad3 clothes.b20e1c6f90157cf2

Before Shavonne could ask where he was going, he said, “Good night.”ff619becfe3915f1

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Lewellyn’s voice, bidding 8c2bb5da54 farewell in this b6aec57203 way, was subdued.a013d9121fb9353a

“Sorry about the hand.”6fe3612b9c297f94

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And with that, he left Room 303. Shavonne didn’t even have a chance to stop him.bb0313856c323426

Lewellyn was walking down the street. One step, another. With each step, his vision wavered. It wasn’t his feet that were wavering, but his mind. It didn’t matter what it was, though.be58f766a9b1fbf8

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When the scars were revealed, he thought everything was over. The audacity to growl, the audacity to cling to Shavonne, the audacity to be flustered – he had thought it was all over because of that.354886d8b85df3c6

But fortunately, he df2ad63526 was blessed with 0cd5a5ad67 good fortune. It was the f721760680 first time Lewellyn 123eb9df3c had ever experienced 0b4a79c44c such good fortune.dcfa2e694b392113

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Even after seeing the scar, Shavonne didn’t remember his lost memories. Perhaps it was because he had only seen it for a fleeting moment, in the dim light of a small match. Or perhaps Lewellyn’s scars were so insignificant that they could not serve as a catalyst to trigger the memory.d7a9afe4f5606625

Yeah, it must 2dc2e49aff be the latter. He had thought Shavonne would want to reject him, but that wasn’t the case. To think that Shavonne would want to reject him… Looking back, it was a foolish thought. To Shavonne, Lewellyn wasn’t anything more than nothing.8c716cfcb04283c7

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The night was long. The darkness was dizzying. In his ears, Shavonne’s voice kept reappearing.95cda719108c0993

—It’s just a scar.cdbea109b98bcc31

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Lies.ee31a740d5ecff6a

—But what does 12b9309c6b that have to 0367814670 do with anything?9d9028a1db4e7435

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Lies.59a46c4d6cd7b12a

—Yes, I do like d2cea3ab7a you.3b82dabb4716aa95

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Lies.3727ea810ba4c177

—Yes, really.40394631e3271b0e

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Lies.c9d2c1715041b738

—Because you’re likable.6beaf1cb475cb960

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An unforgivable 087e520d9c outright lie.e81219460624c7ef

Back then, too. Shavonne had said that 624ac0212f scars disappear over time. He had suggested making 7407ab1c2b a bet, saying that d57f4ccda7 he would stay with a0c3f99cd9 him until the scars fcefaf19e3 were completely gone, no e982142c41 matter if it took 176979f15f a hundred days or dfc23c84af a thousand days. But it 63cc3681f1 was all 7a89576c8f lies.07775019bb516e83

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‘But what does that have to do with anything?’ He had heard Shavonne say that too. Shavonne had said it didn’t matter. But in reality, it mattered a great deal. It mattered enough that Shavonne could abandon Lewellyn without even looking back.75a9f4e8edb260eb

He likes me?74161a1e30677092

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He really f51a9f33c4 likes me?8b3c6ba6d8cffcfb

It was a sickeningly sweet lie. If he was with Shavonne, he wouldn’t mind being blind or deaf. When he was with Shavonne, he always wanted to close his eyes and shut his ears. He had thought that before, too. But Lewellyn had learned eight years ago that he mustn’t do that. If he closed his eyes and shut his ears, he wouldn’t be able to see Shavonne turning his back, or hear the sound of Shavonne’s footsteps as he left. He wouldn’t be able to hold onto Shavonne. No, I can’t let that happen. Yeah, I know… that I can’t let myself be abandoned without any resistance.bdff8bdb66012c12

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“Because you’re likable.”3b921b89ab71845d

Did Shavonne really think Lewellyn was “likable” even though he knows what kind of person he is? Really? A laugh involuntarily escaped him. When he was in great pain, he would sometimes laugh. From the moment Shavonne abandoned him until now, always.6a9cee02df5fde66

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—  Are you fafafb1a37 out of your f8d5c52150 mind?424d46c264b8d129

There’s that voice again. Even after eight years, and even after meeting him again, that voice never lets go of Lewellyn.de1b4f998947c7d5

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—  You like me? You love me? Why, why don’t you go out of here and live with me? In a red brick house, with a fireplace, and we’ll even get a dog. What should we name the dog? Happy? Or Clover?e1517224be2fe6f2

He had stared blankly at Shavonne and asked something much more foolish than simply asking, “Shavonne, don’t you love me?”c4b28867da721547

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—  Shavonne.dec9f84d25275f4e

He called out. His voice 9d5bb5b9c6 was tinged 1767ffe4d8 with disbelief.474cdbf0a152dfa3

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—  Have you ever ae648a3790 loved me?0a8f2bfa7a4e0890

Silence. And the sound 6197cde748 of rain filling ec8c4ef1f9 that silence.e2b531d4504396c5

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Shavonne looked 32f99086a6 at him efff9b1e82 steadily and 6298d869bb answered. His answer was 6bf9485da9 cruelly decisive.b9f43c2bb2b9302d

— Never.f2823f18e1747fcf

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He added,6eabdf465ae0692e

—  Not even once.779f983c6c2862bf

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Today there was a 42935dfa84 new moon, so the d03b522dd3 moon couldn’t be seen.42622a591c1cc68f

95fa48cd79e6c8b2

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