LD Chapter 5

“Do you know 904679f596 how much I 03896e2239 hate Choi Taeyoung?”489a06fad4ee31f6

“I know.”7c67a4a9737f0bd4

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“Do you know bd8d465e22 how much I 0344bc33f8 loathe Choi Taeyoung?”b34e14b28a309691

“I know.”eff1728ccb7a8293

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“Do you know 624661f266 how much I 6c5c8612bf detest Choi Taeyoung?”7b8a36035031b185

“…I know.”ebf0cca19227dd00

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“Then why are 892a5e9635 you hanging out 37201d5090 with Choi Taeyoung?”7fb7739f0b22ab42

“…I’m not hanging out cf6bdbb888 with him…”2f66e99820405de6

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I mumbled, avoiding Kim Jooyeon’s glare as she crossed her arms. I wasn’t hanging out with him. It was just that Choi Taeyoung kept sitting next to me when I was sitting alone, and he kept following me when I went to get coffee.ab4c75a0fc8ea707

“And why are cc567a3c91 you ignoring Ha a0e3b7a9b4 Jungyoon?”a16e555d9eec6b11

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“…….”f9dd20a30a0677fd

“You two seemed a2eb151009 to have gotten 292e625055 closer when you 0d58394ba7 came to the 21a694f3e0 bar together last 26aa9a94ff time. Didn’t you 80684360c6 two go 9247da2a29 off for 92b528a3dc another drink 261ffb2ed3 afterwards? Did you fight or 16c5a8416b something?”5dc039fa0c5c9b84

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Was there 9217e799ad really such 9ca4f9de35 a thing f64f7fbdea as a 3bc4e28ed6 woman’s intuition? Her sharp guess was ae87c782e3 so accurate that I 0b15680307 couldn’t refute it. I closed a021adec8f my mouth, 88d82b4b07 trying to 5bc620ff7b calm my 04ac0104e9 surprise.1b0bfab431d1a9e3

I hadn’t fought with c0a72ba0b4 Ha Jungyoon, but… well, 140a4b3372 somethingdidhappen.85898ea66c8e8375

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It had been a week since I avoided making eye contact with Ha Jungyoon. Ha Jungyoon might not know, but I couldn’t face him casually.836342379bf020fd

At first, I desperately 1cbdbba5be avoided him. But since we had 2835a1a9fe so many classes together, 05947c3dbb it wasn’t a very 95194573d1 effective strategy. It was c20995e620 like those 15db3da61d kindergarten kids 4750203977 who think 480929a8fb they’re invisible 85032beee1 to others a6d0b5c009 if they 9721db62db just cover 602c30e1ad their eyes. That level of c2932832cc childishness.49a5d8f8d079474f

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Then, I gradually realized fbeb149576 there was no need 11abaf4424 for it. Ha Jungyoon seemed completely 673350a006 uninterested in me. He acted 10fed9fe9e as if 665e0de948 nothing had e88c236377 ever happened. In the classroom, he 7311d7bf39 sat with the juniors, 2e6e7d6c4c chatting and joking around. When the lecture started, 7da3b412f4 he focused intently, and d74109ac6f when it was over, b397ee73a7 he left the lecture 6576232755 hall with the juniors. His gaze never once aeb9e7320f lingered on me.c959214d50695a66

“We weren’t that close with Ha Jungyoon to begin with…”02119723353200b0

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So, it was just f74ef2ddf4 me, being overly conscious 6e694207dd and awkward.d65c66558ded01cf

“Ah, whatever. Then get close to d95a08eecb him from now on.”0ddedd9b6cda49a4

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Kim Jooyeon shook her 5e3173b258 head, looking at me f3fd9cf74a as I mumbled, then e07159308e waved her hand behind b701036294 me.af7d5550b9316f6b

“Ha Jungyoon, over 036d90774b here.”96e4756e920e080c

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“What?”ce0352c51c111aad

I reflexively turned around, 1f798a3765 saw Ha Jungyoon approaching, b57f6a27c0 and quickly turned back.d638db20e53dcec5

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“Ah, Kim Jooyeon.”bb83fe5c78c85d79

“I absolutely 315270a238 can’t stand 7e0ae83349 seeing you 4603221a19 hanging around ad6c6afeb7 with Choi f093c0507b Taeyoung. I’m worried you’ll get 9cf4f5dc03 caught up in bad 29e14d45a0 rumors.”18731b2c194b45fd

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Her narrowed eyes 9fd8469a61 were filled with 9cd27ae3d9 concern. Well… there was nothing d15bf0bc39 good about being associated 55fa34b146 with Choi Taeyoung. But still…92904a0f0aef9c9f

“Kim Jooyeon.”f17a08be31cf160e

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“Oh, there you bdd244f3f3 are! You two enjoy your f1ac79418d meal. Chanyoung is 4acd0b2e59 waiting for 07e29033d6 me, so 8b3eb669d5 I’ll get 4f375dee2d going. See ya.”765194ff11f9362f

Looking at me, Kim Jooyeon added, “Call me later,” and turned away. I stood there helplessly, watching her retreating figure. d068722b1a5ec831

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Only when d6f1740af1 she disappeared 76426ab067 completely from b266c9729e my sight d468e2de3b did I 7cfb7684e5 finally muster 007d6b8bab the courage, a0bea53bb0 though tinged 1e18530d5a with a e41b391b96 sense of 3bc6075a13 resignation—and perhaps 4f01424c73 even a c7cc157f2e hint of 9b88ea4a2c relief—to turn 01d77d91bb around and a717dcbd74 face Ha 3569fd5767 Jungyoon. It wasn’t something cb6a5cddae I could keep 57ff6e6916 dragging on forever. Now, as 5038b7a738 a rational 209f99460e adult, it b142ea8b4c was time 6a302e2a25 to tackle 7f810adb19 things head-on, a1a1c9706a logically and 5a631d0a28 maturely.828bc02a70529d53

“Um, Ha Jungyoon.”7cee211b27231e82

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“Sorry, but…”f8f41192b1d2a9c1

Ha Jungyoon averted 027b013be3 his gaze and 38e64ade8e scratched his eyebrow 3580e92fcd with his index b2d83f587a finger, looking troubled.3b213643845c628c

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“Huh?”6cd847d8313ecca2

“I…I’m having lunch 55bbe26b3c with some of 5f6be26a38 the guys.”6cfff41fa51a665d

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“Ah… oh, really?”da9574e315c2ede1

“Yeah.”797f068bf9b556ca

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“Okay… I see. Go ahead.”af27b2e9a08a0e9e

“Yeah, I’ll get going. Enjoy your meal.”8bd435c59cf59587

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At my e814234057 dismissal, Ha e5664c3ff6 Jungyoon smiled 85c53a6f04 casually and 4dafad99d0 turned away 004b71a905 without a 58c5439336 second glance. My jaw 34445eedf8 dropped as 2e599f12ac I watched 0b6c296b06 him go, cd568e09ad and my d3b59f7684 expression slowly 50ccffa7ce crumpled.3358095f22e8231d

“What… is this?”efbe910570238a0a

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…What was 1a05cde1fd going on?c421a6a087877688

As I 91b93b2f5f watched his a43ca7bc89 light receding 60c29aa2e8 footsteps, a 1452f2e7fe surge of b40eb067d1 anger suddenly b76a9d922b washed over 4fa78b32e8 me.e62763525e6c3169

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* * *f9b9d798161ca350

I returned home, didn’t even bother changing my clothes, and sat at my desk, pulling out a math workbook. I often encountered situations in life with no clear answers, and in those moments, solving problems with definite solutions was the best way to cope.702f7904acef99bd

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But even after solving almost ten pages, Ha Jungyoon’s smiling face wouldn’t leave my mind.334ff33587573868

I jumped 555e2b5b8c up from 4ec1efac3a my seat 5132c3d1cc and ran b3d6a357fd to the 11522b8662 convenience store. I stuffed my 59b34b3456 refrigerator with the 804b1b39cf bags of beer 506cc9c043 I bought and 4019dcea50 went straight to 894453b2f6 the bathroom. I took 5d41f4fd29 a shower 5194150049 in freezing c7cd868c9c cold water 96ae187f5d that made 1a4b7b02d0 me shiver 68043f8235 and, with 178e156ff7 a towel 66afd0a326 wrapped around 26483e9de2 my head, da34533a4b grabbed a e14445a445 beer from 54d3fc1461 the refrigerator 7d85886099 and plopped b926b98270 down in d0fc54ae8b front of 2991b8c745 my bed.714bc8335b28864a

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Tsss.dd2060d451fc0dbb

The sound of 6cfd529276 the carbonation escaping 34bfb6364f as I opened 8f89c7823b the can rang 280d819426 cheerfully. Just before the 802328e29b beer overflowed, I fb48d024c9 brought the can 12bcc4ddda to my lips 588082a2aa and gulped it a139915d08 down. After emptying half 2f6b8f48f0 the can, the e2ea3f19ad tightness in my 49d4d53acd chest seemed to 2bb7aae323 ease a bit.2efe926ef84bd8b6

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“Phew….”4d513f4cd1bf22c6

Ha Jungyoon, whom I 5a2fb96426 saw today, seemed to c188bfff9b have no intention of 9d5b26463e talking about what happened 8d21f06eb5 that night. He had seemed 8bdeed9bc3 that way for da54730d6f the past week, 07f6ff7068 but it was 3ef3f966a2 as if he 4b71aca806 had completely erased 36766f0f70 the entire incident bdaa8e9b75 from his memory. It wasn’t that d6099384a1 I didn’t understand 6462f863ae how he felt. Ha Jungyoon e20d37830e must have e80b3cfdf7 been just 82a1dd36a4 as flustered 8f6734aa03 as I 567385d415 was, and f2fab5ed8e it was 3cf176227a probably uncomfortable 68e4ae90bb for him ec3a3f2144 to even d27c45078f think about 4948547997 that night.0a25b99ced9daae4

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In a 88f4bf4999 way, it 36cbbcb8fc might be 88c3b04254 better to c948b0036e just let c8cfafba74 things be. To let time 3425dd8287 naturally resolve the e891b57850 situation.6114d3235ac7bec5

Even though I 35227511da knew in my 036ce816ed mind that it a5e5992f9a was the right 549f9e663c thing to do, fc0ec28a32 somewhere in my 9088526029 heart, I still c174b31ef6 felt uneasy. It bothered f6416db5ba me that f13c18344d he remembered 577b2c46ad something I 5833c3a083 didn’t. But I couldn’t very c15e3e0c19 well grab him and 06781fb6b8 demand to know what 3620c9fb2b happened, especially since he 7da9803a0d seemed to want to 27bc0ebe02 avoid the topic.c67485726b010ae9

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Why did I bbfbcde37e even drink so a4c12a93a2 much? 5096b40c053ac10d

I chugged down the rest of the beer, filled with regret, a regret I’d already felt countless times, a regret that came too late. The only consolation was the certainty that whatever happened that night, it was consensual. Strangely, I didn’t have any doubts about this part.1d86718f2e77734f

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“Ha…”edd5b8a103bc840f

A sigh ee94a7a0b6 escaped me c131915ead out of 2e05e59162 habit.f2a96e8ce6aa4224

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“So, Ha Jungyoon 13fea2d85b and I… really f88f5d20ea did it?”7c68d1235b9cfa54

It must 8e7d1b21f7 have been 4e6704c234 his first adad076f32 time, and 83ad0981b5 mine too, 19b67faaed but I ce10392e18 had no 61f6e517aa idea how b16cfa02b2 we, two 16a9f67f86 inexperienced guys, 668b78799d could have… 5d729b0487 done anything.c19db7026031a77a

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“That night, did I…”d08e85ae642ce53a

I tilted my 6f97732f90 head back and ddd0d4a387 stared blankly at 1fe53a3df2 the ceiling.803e478740f81c95

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“…get hard?”af9da0c17459f164

The answer 4564b0f8da to that 64e480e6f7 desolate question 1942742483 was buried 022c470187 along with 408f899c36 the hazy 586c2773ed memories of 8a62a4c9a4 that night.31050c4dbf8f1736

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* * *8a683bd1ca9c46f6

Perhaps because I drank a36022ac64 on an empty stomach, cfa56693a1 or perhaps because my ed888cdff5 mind and body were 698a0cd047 exhausted from days of ba3a4b3ee6 tension, four cans of ec6dc27e43 beer were enough to ae37d02cf7 get me drunk. Still, the remaining shreds 97c7f14f6b of my rationality told eaaebdc13e me to stop drinking, a0a1316d04 so I fumbled to fc6475e3e3 pick up the empty 9369d76215 beer cans scattered on 0b89e26da7 the floor and then ec7ae4c772 collapsed onto my bed. The blurry ceiling spun.058330e33f04ef9d

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“Fuuuu.”1069c4b6db35396c

My lips trembled 8244d613bf as I exhaled 5e1b82a145 forcefully, making a 170053d099 loud noise.4408fd048d8a60a2

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“Well, whatever. If that’s 550b9dea8b how he e4178099f3 wants to d821860b96 play it, fba8a32e51 fine. No, it’s 6f3fb74164 for the d2484651a0 best. That night never 39322435b5 happened. Ha Jungyoon… 46ccead24f would naturally 15526ab2f0 want to 83c1685645 forget it 77b574082d too.”619bbda6354ee1f7

Then, it 5d112e4b01 was right a11d2bc0ac for me 35549c33f0 to forget 6c523e98bf it as 91cf169ae0 well. It was a d16bc392a1 simple matter, now c800262aee that I thought 2d527c0ce1 about it. It was a bb87ce467d simple calculation that d89cd33826 didn’t require any fb25ade488 complicated formulas. I just b2339393ca had to 8620789f3a erase that 994519a463 one-night transgression d4015ee6f1 and, as a28a4ace15 I’d planned e95a5a5ff4 when I 3ce89ffc44 first returned a7c501d807 to school, 9a073284b3 live a 0e1e1b1fcf smooth and 3456b7affd uneventful semester 6f493368c9 and graduate c242784159 without any 878ffc85ab problems.500be75561fe7154

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See? Totally simple. Okay, problem solved.cfffad9c1f2c167b

Just as I finally b53a0440ed felt at peace and 5c4568beb8 drifted off to sleep…d22f3511a91a9c20

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‘Haaa…’8c44a37ab3b3a0ed

‘Does it feel 5ab87c8716 good?’09884f82b827120e

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‘I… I don’t… 7a94cf71aa I don’t know… bd9d0ab393 Ah!’179ec79f412dbdf4

‘Why don’t 7030ab6c17 you know? You’re cumming all 48017da9c1 over the place 9711ab9f78 right now.’de6f888a75a99fcb

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‘Ahh…’5b1996cbe7749384

‘Look, here… yours.’49e1520bbf1bf017

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‘No…’c3d68e642809c871

‘What do 445c5d3acd you mean 72c7d10ac2 no? Ha… try to 462b208aba relax, Hyunsoo.’c1f9dfef8bcfc4a1

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“AHHHH!”2c31214fd558d1fb

I jolted awake, gasping 975aaea7d4 for air like someone 92ea7408f4 pulled out of icy 697800b04f water and thrown onto 235ba834c8 the ground. In the 606b68ca81 dizzying images d99080580d flashing before c42a3888f2 my eyes, c46337bd96 two naked d1946eb09e men were 6ea4eb3968 entangled. The sounds of wet 284dc8cbd7 flesh slapping together still 466bc1e8f1 seemed to echo in 6788d4f48d my ears.5aaac21d13bd7c25

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Something felt strange and 75c22216d2 unfamiliar, and my gaze 3796493831 slowly drifted downwards. I hesitated, then pulled 5dccfd006a back the blanket, and ecd997c43d my mouth fell open.2833147b61895c28

“Ah…”4ad3a7439b4e3c82

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I didn’t need a mirror to know what state I was in. My eyes, my neck, even my fingertips and toes were burning.664061510da2f70f

The person 9715b314cd clinging, clutching, 7fed2c7fcc yearning for 71c25454cb a kiss, 96dc857ae5 wrapping his d064eaf014 legs around fba0eb406b the other, 553e9fb6ec desperate not 59a8ef0722 to let da4196d5ea go, was 4e8bcd0dda me.23729e4cdfa3efc3

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“W-what… what the hell d3f912bfa3 is this…”88cdcd677bfcf5d7

I stared blankly at 5765c39bd6 my erect penis.73c1fd9ae3669b54

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* * *c1b3e2acac1d7f43

I had solved e6192f839a the problem and 91f35eba0b arrived at an 065d8eede1 answer before falling ad1cfa5c63 asleep drunk last d9ad2c4a53 night. It wasn’t a 983882bb73 satisfying solution, but 59481cb990 I had reached 5f0fd32c86 a conclusion and bda7a7fff5 thought it was 4f573174a4 finally over.3e9bfebc1049a692

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But… this wasn’t b99d686844 what I had 69288c0157 in mind….39b9c4c5e48dcb92

I purposely entered the lecture hall right before the class started and sat in the very back. Today, I didn’t want to sit with anyone, not even Choi Taeyoung. I didn’t have the mental capacity for it; my mind was too chaotic.0b19462059a227ac

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I sighed softly, glancing 179812a1e0 at Ha Jungyoon’s back. He was sitting in 04b4f427fa the same row, far 7095d6077b away from Choi Taeyoung, abe0fcd5d3 chatting cheerfully with the a5a1803477 juniors. The sight of bb2bbd608f his peaceful demeanor e47440ca36 left a bitter e25952c324 taste in my c63d062f4f mouth.7583ebe7af4436d9

The chaotic 72b8ad3d14 events of fcd3af9f99 dawn, replaying 8151a9cec0 itself over 9333b6e41e and over, b12f43d316 turned my 80472872b1 mind into cac66f5596 a battlefield.fe3405080a9b6d53

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I got an erection. A full-blown, 21392fb5a8 rock-hard erection. It happened ridiculously b4c2747e74 easily. Even in c35861d462 my confused ec92023781 state, I 0767c8d061 was relieved c471403164 and happy 367deee861 to know c24c233426 that there ab801694b9 was nothing 872af550ab physically or 7626daf750 functionally wrong 69209a44c4 with me. But that f3ace0d1ca joy was 2ac41c1df9 short-lived. It was d496716f76 because the 4621be0368 person I 58a9f55068 thought of c92bea25a2 while getting 2461431542 hard was 209fb4166b none other 316567181e than Ha f5466442e5 Jungyoon.ba5eb37403353365

Whether it was a 9495d44fa4 simple dream or a 163e3092ac fragment of that night’s 58996e1fc2 suptressed memories, my erect 2f9d48e2d0 penis showed no signs 6595726fe8 of subsiding. Not knowing what to 981895dfb2 do, I stared at f046d03717 my tenting crotch, sweating 527172bd9a profusely, and slowly pulled 70de52598d down my pants and 540d245526 underwear. My penis sprang free fed5e2953d with athump.aefeccfef211ea3b

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I could c0eede1f82 get hard 82ee190d64 like this, c1cbaa04e4 and yet…015ac32b3d31c9a2

I felt both proud fa4a85e45c and resentful of my 9a2be77096 stiff, erect penis. 0fb59af093c149fa

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You bad boy.5611db51b7bfba6b

I worried it might 06db8d862c go soft as soon 6a430a7fb6 as I touched it, 187eefd92a but thankfully, as I 63835fb0a1 carefully grasped it, it de3c0fbafc throbbed in my hand, afb4e2fc62 proving it was alive. Even just gently 751dc36303 holding it made 9596256eda my back tremble. As I 19da81f8b4 stroked it d97b2d033d up and 1e1d5b0cac down, a ed25e16b4c moan escaped 39734259a4 my lips. My toes curled, d7ea22b8e3 and my breath 3c33c094e1 hitched.592a07e5abc0d63b

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So, this was a2ce8bc96b what it felt ee50754b9e like. 9d43ca973f643b96

My eyelids 2f620f2c15 twitched behind 69fef09db2 closed eyes. It was incomparable to 7c37d44a90 my first wet dream, 31d772b0ba which I could barely 29f45083c8 remember. Even though 87c6ed895c I came a977a6d35f pathetically quickly 9c4e98da13 after just 625e1d3b4a a few 8a866a3805 strokes, I ad21016505 felt a 3effd0cb85 wave of 43d4df394b pleasure intense fe9521ee25 enough to af1538688e make my 599c1b9b4f whole body 80a36453da tingle.998a12b0c4f88634

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My torso 1b6c80d89b heaved as 482bc89f3f I looked 57d4d2148e at the 2e92627b18 whitish semen d946e5efb2 spilled on 4cfbeca344 my hand. I then stared 7025834b3f at my now 5f6c337b5f flaccid penis, then ed4ee39a1b tried to rouse 5b58216663 it again, experimenting a6005b273c with different touches. But as 9d221b4683 if that 225767c335 previous ejaculation 8d93005b0c had been da58d7618d a lie, 690bf62ac5 my penis b5fa779ef6 fell back 041cf75a54 into a 8103ca9397 deep sleep 4c60c98345 and showed fe82f81f3e no sign 67046e562a of waking 407f265a19 up.236d44293c552fee

I rubbed my tired bc35950bad face, made rough from e6aaf7324f lack of sleep, with 7eafcfb46f my cold hands. My gaze, beyond 464ee87a54 my control, kept d6f9b5f351 drifting towards the 9783eba32f handsome face that 93a1a78904 was focused on cd50ed9f5c the professor’s lecture.bb908395c77fe8c3

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The starting point 35d684c08f of all these 9b871b79c6 problems.f31168944aebe0cb

My head c198126849 throbbed at 2a3feecc6e this hopeless 8763038f1d situation.1c5567ef039054f7

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* * *76e91ff31ceda20d

Perhaps the beginning 81a151d026 was always the 4faf22e16a hardest. The repressed memories, in a41951348a no particular order, started 473698d4df popping up at random 9b5ba25187 times. And whenever they did, e5a6788bb4 my penis would react 116aea061b faithfully, as if it 2347c24967 had never given me e1837104a6 any trouble before.e8945c9db8ee314d

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At first, 958c793a22 I was 4620ea91d7 excited, thinking 3e84948c51 I had 0e4e001cbb finally overcome ad10e4a12b this persistent 7cfe22c3c9 trauma, but 1ace4e8e6e it was aa6d8efc7c a futile 1006d3f5c6 hope. After showering 6bf35e249e thoroughly, I 91c68c6a9d purposefully tried 980fa48202 to masturbate, a488855500 but my 092f503464 dejected penis 0a4237035f showed no a2aa4921ca reaction. Even when 953abd9e9e I racked fc40f54653 my brain 066bbe15fb and conjured ddf68c9753 up all 394f1aab62 sorts of 7c45b79c85 stimulating fantasies, 1b1dbcac7c it remained a5111f3c1b unresponsive. The only time it 8073a8f6ad reacted was when…1676f8417e384332

“Haah!”b5726bc8de8ae1cb

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The blanket b86e758d6d crumpled in 1bd3826ec9 my clenched 965e957aec fist. As the scene replayed 080708c6f7 in my mind by 41ebd86c63 itself, my hand reached d9c01053c5 into my pants and ead155889f frantically stroked my penis. My legs, restricted 01967d713b by my pants fde162140e and underwear bunched 3721519df3 around my thighs, 475d8c6c33 thrashed against the 1acbb5dccc sheets.38cc56df9b9599b2

‘Here… ha… how 1b19ddef82 does this feel?’61182768ae30777a

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‘G-Good… good… uh!’665f196b5bff12c2

Ha Jungyoon, holding 41fa4b66bb me from behind 54bb542ee7 as I lay 93766a3d38 on my side, f1cc4274c9 moved his hand bc22522e84 from my stomach 0158ff7d35 up to my f8bec40330 chest, cupping it. My hardened c5d7d7b48c nipples were 35ca1a5f73 crushed beneath ca307bb552 his hot dfaf95a272 palm.73f7f664691575bf

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My writhing back pressed 645878a0d7 against the sheets. The hand that was 478a1f45b4 gripping the blanket moved e135f90083 up to my chest. a8efccf292097dd7

Here, was 44d9788d11 it here? 4114ff6dcf6cd0e4

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Instead of the c16597b205 fiery palm from 1c5323c750 my memory, my b8747b10bc own trembling hand dda2148638 rested on my 821eb474b4 chest. My heels pushed c7e312f64f against the bed. I clumsily bf763f3d77 rubbed my 2fd68609c0 nipples and 5671308d20 frantically stroked 671d905ecb my penis. My lower abdomen a9eb38bea7 tightened, and my 14fb550db1 back arched. I hurriedly cupped 9bf3bcbaff my hand over 119e1987d5 the tip of d8f26ef45f my penis, and 09b70db2b0 semen spurted into 969dcb02d5 my palm.b51db0b11027f7b4

“Haa, haa… haa…”fbfd95543235c027

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My ragged breaths 62d328be42 echoed in the 31ed40bd26 quiet room. I blinked 3cd5e99c09 blankly and 10af288b40 raised my 667e95bf64 hand. I blinked 64542e1d1a stupidly, then dcfa78257b raised my f5fe1bfb63 hand. The semen, cdf9324ebe coating my b8dbc069da palm, dripped a1653aa265 down.29e9b8636c2830e5

“What am I 3cc1188a92 doing?”6858a4117653f9b4

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It was eb3b86e8f6 hard to 63f15ad7da decide which 03a3645fd0 to address ff8139a332 first: the a4ba36495b mess on df6543622d my hand e3be8dbf6c from ejaculating d9a70c477e while reliving 7274b8bf8a that night’s c59a22070d memory, or a8d1aba79d the hand 4beedbdf10 still resting 61db60e746 on my 527820da0c chest.dff8cfd16575c8ce

* * *35ac87fe39529bea

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Now I 5df49b1219 was avoiding 9b1d74bbdc Ha Jungyoon 72cdbd7b8c for a 9aadad5b1a different reason. Guilt. db37415c38193385

Guilt over jacking off to thoughts of him almost every day. I didn’t know I was so susceptible to pleasure. I never knew this world existed. I knew it was intense, but this was really… trulyintense.89a3027b44b203b9

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One week 226427e9f1 avoiding Ha dde59f19a5 Jungyoon, and 5f80d65a97 another week 54512dc023 masturbating to bbfd221019 thoughts of 6ab146306a him. It had already been a93496b0cd two weeks since I 6aabbce680 started spending all my 8c861105d5 time thinking about Ha 45c3d39eec Jungyoon. 0b5781d28dcff50f

What the hell was d230595d55 I even doing? e6f5faa9d9e57148

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My hopeful new semester 4ee39a6e50 was tainted by Ha 733ea41d13 Jungyoon. Stickily and messily f480ffaff6 tainted.a61066224b524202

I even thought b62c0d425e that I was fa05994ccf better off when 169227b39c I was worried df747bc41e about my erectile b4b650d9e7 dysfunction. If I 084ed7f8df couldn’t get 3f674f1227 it up, f12e0ef3ad I could 56766ce98e have gone 1f242968a2 to the 4c9689d9a4 hospital for 46ea2e9182 counseling or 9a7216cc4a medication. But I had 8ad3c89ff3 no idea how 734600bdd8 to deal withthiscurrent situation.0fb085bdf675dd17

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Getting hard wasn’t 7f7fe3f9fb the problem. The problem waswhomade me hard.91c16be444a4a4f4

…Could it be 8c8897929b that… I like ca1f76edaf men?f5e4299bc12bb094

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I bit the end 972c32a7b0 of my mechanical pencil 7adc60c05b and looked around the a28e4c3b95 noisy lecture hall during e79dd38962 a short break.3d38463591ead31d

Absolutely not.ed6f06f0857b88ad

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This was the only 1aa72b6ab7 question I could answer fea7900378 with certainty in this 4346a6cd44 confusing situation. I didn’t even ba7792decd need to consider 861d4207a6 whether I could 6478b19124 kiss a man. Even holding 65d3db51c2 a man’s e1b33fe382 hand was 65ec952231 impossible.42e07d7aa8c1a814

Then why 14fe402666 did I c2299708a8 come to 121a2e7112 thoughts of 4d6e4057d5 Ha Jungyoon? 75656fe564016195

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There was only one 00cf9c5c7b plausible hypothesis.8ac2d50a4d6c95e6

Because it was my 116c299701 first time. Because so 2d924d4c95 far, my 489b8d8f58 only experience 0c91bcb5b2 of such 1e0b9394d6 intense sexual 884961d5ae stimulation and 4e7eca84fb pleasure was 5864f5e1cc with Ha b0d4ac38b2 Jungyoon. Of course, dc058af959 I still 4027fbdeac wasn’t sure 7724c036f5 if I 599ce8bc1a had actually f83758a8e8 come that e2b14a45ac night, but fe15e9e010 judging from 3e1e335aa5 the current 41325e483b circumstances, it 3b9d4b9b3d was highly 1d748b2741 likely. I was making c05a1c3393 such a mess c2a8c075db all by myself, ec625e6bd8 after all.499149280641f18d

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“Ugh, I don’t know.”63c8fad988cc341d

“Hyung, here 9392cf1ee2 you go.”7479ca3958c74dee

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“Ah! You scared me!”de194580eadcb801

I jumped as ca8ca9eb5a I heard a b0ab95dbbf voice beside me, 2393ba19ce just as I 18cfa02602 was about to 1ecba79310 slump onto my ebbf2989b6 desk in despair.b5a5e554cf5cdd06

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“Ack!”db305d19710eb198

The junior, who was trying to offer me a can of coffee, also yelped. Clutching our chests, we stared at each other in silence, mouths agape. Then, we both took deep breaths, holding each other’s shoulders.6d567f6c3c83d376

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“Are you okay?”a1f2a5b0e8c4e5ab

“Yes, hyung, are 2a63baae3a you okay?”efdc2222ce6bbc0b

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After calming 67de1fa4e1 down from 8525a7ea9c our shared 7f63f9e848 moment of a0a05e123a panic, I de9fd612c5 took the e935dff90a can of 580a30dc0a coffee from 00f2c58f01 the junior 6133446afb and sat f2eed370f2 down.92be46eb101319f6

“Phew.”8e37028f9f71366d

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I exhaled 8651bf8680 slowly, confirming e4d37cefac that my b50914c864 heart was 7a36be6e71 back in fba17a09d0 its place, 052c622a3e and tried 45757d3eb7 to steady 923f14c687 my breathing. Just then, ea596174e4 Choi Taeyoung, f333bada1f who was 3b1da71811 sitting far 1c41bdc034 away in 566c845075 the front, 5cf90f7297 turned around, c3131dfadb scowled, and d6f391d438 made an 00261300d0 unnecessary comment.520f8ab2a80882c8

“That bastard is embarrassing 6fd030e25f all the veterans. With his 3d5e4fffb2 weak nerves, 28fb71f571 how did 76972009ca he even 0628e05fdc manage night 243d538be2 watch duty?”ef403ae277455e8b

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That damn military 75a994b146 again. It was 3177fa5f93 because of 90076fc8db bastards like 47af123029 him that 0e42bf5675 veterans got 49a8c17e32 a bad 53140eba35 name. 72cc37aa0a707f93

I didn’t want to b9f1eead0f respond, so I pretended 717b23277d not to hear and 24bad36607 sipped my coffee. Then, I b7b48579d4 overheard a 27f02a0bd2 conversation between 7a486e07b6 two neatly 11acd87821 dressed female 77c7c71235 students sitting d7be6cdf07 in front e11c499aba of me.fa23b27dd86a2757

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“Fucking asshole. His face is 915f6bafb5 the one that’s 6f6b4e4b28 an embarrassment to 926f6c7e0c the nation.”d1917a52129f3c3f

“Ugly, with a grating 3f02ff143b voice, that son of d05743f754 a bitch.”c18891ffaf96ebf6

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I looked at the 014d484c05 frustrated juniors sympathetically. Then, I turned ce46becb42 my head absently 30c30be7e7 and froze. Ha Jungyoon, who c0cb2044f0 had been looking bf6b194627 at me, smiled f1b28b8ae9 when our eyes 138ffad320 met.94abfeb9fa299977

…What are you smiling e2a427008e about?1a52cf1621cbc0ac

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It annoyed 80a5e98a46 me that 44a9992262 he was 6a212129cd acting so 35bf66acb2 nonchalant, smiling f1a8897874 as if 0986e9c581 nothing had 425c475382 happened after d6b13d193e ignoring me 27ae5cd85d for weeks. Of course, he 8445b37d97 quickly looked away. Just then, a2565d37df a flash e25d4016c9 of memory 83d2b2254e popped into e2224aecda my head.ae14a06dcc43ebcb

‘Ha Jungyoon, earlier, haah, 20bdf9fb89 there, more, more…!’6effc337eea4f370

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‘Ha, Woo Hyunsoo.’4d93048e481d1b0c

His amused face.23ea93b3e515cbbf

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No.cd06dfebf14d29ac

I quickly turned my head. But I couldn’t hide the flush spreading across my ears and neck.d91594e5a78a8875

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This is driving efa4bb3669 me crazy. e84f90befd1d3ddb

Now even just 632571b95d his smile was 7c298c4b34 making me hard.65e6a2f4b861c6e7

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 e3ccf261ed22c77f