LD Chapter 3

Ha Jungyoon sat at the empty end of the table, so I sat across from him. It was supposed to be a gathering to celebrate Kim Jooyeon and Jung Chanyoung’s relationship, but it felt more like a general start-of-semester party. Department juniors I didn’t even know started showing up one by one, as if we had rented out the entire bar.

The alcohol flowed smoothly as we exchanged drinks with everyone. I sipped soju continuously, enjoying the boisterous atmosphere I hadn’t experienced in a while. Some people were having serious conversations, others were giggling while looking at their phones, and others were gathered in small groups, chatting.

My eyes, scanning the table, stopped at Ha Jungyoon. When our eyes met, Ha Jungyoon, who had been expressionless, fixed his gaze on me and, as if showing off, lifted the corners of his lips into a smile. His face was truly beautiful. I was admiring him anew when a junior sitting next to me suddenly offered Ha Jungyoon a soju bottle.

“Here, hyungnim¹.”

I watched them, my eyes darting back and forth.

“Did you just get out of a gang or something?” 

Ha Jungyoon held out his glass and accepted the soju the junior poured.

“Haha! If hyungnim starts a gang, I’ll gladly join!”

“Go finish your military service first. I don’t accept non-veterans.” 

“As expected… the composure of a veteran.” 

“You’re drunk.”

“I apologize!”

The junior stood up abruptly and apologized, and Ha Jungyoon filled his empty glass with water.

“Oppa, it was such a shame when you suddenly took a leave of absence.”

“That’s right! How could you just suddenly leave for the military like that?”

“It was a total shock.”

Juniors who usually just shyly greeted him in passing were emboldened by the alcohol to talk to Ha Jungyoon. I emptied my glass, who knows how many times now, and stared at Ha Jungyoon.

“What are you looking at? Are you drunk too?”

Ha Jungyoon pushed a glass of ice toward me.

“Did you really register for the first semester and then take a leave of absence?”

“Yeah.”

This was one of the facts I’d learned while spending time with Ha Jungyoon over the past week. He had paid his tuition for the first semester of his sophomore year and attended school for two or three weeks before suddenly taking a leave of absence and enlisting. He said the department had been in an uproar because of it, especially the freshmen, who were apparently devastated.

“Why?”

“It can happen. It’s not like taking a leave of absence mid-semester is anything unusual.”

It wasn’t unusual, but it wasn’t common either. Was there a reason he had to enlist in the military so suddenly? I decided not to pry, as it didn’t seem polite, so I kept my mouth shut.

“Hyungnim, what kind of place is the military…?”

A freshman, already overtaken by alcohol, asked Ha Jungyoon, blinking his unfocused eyes with difficulty.

“What do you mean what kind of place is it? It’s the military.”

“…I bet you looked good in uniform, hyung.”

“I didn’t not look good.”

“So this is what well-founded confidence looks like…”

At the freshman’s drunken rambling, Ha Jungyoon shook his head, laughing silently.

He holds his alcohol well.

From what I’d seen so far, Ha Jungyoon had drunk at least two bottles of soju. Yet, he didn’t show any signs of intoxication. His eyes were clear, and his actions and speech were composed.

“Have a drink, hyung.”

“Yeah.”

On the other hand, my tongue felt a little, just a tiiiny bit, sluggish. I bit the inside of my lip hard. It hurt, so I wasn’t drunk yet. Still good. After my personal test to objectively check my condition, I brought my glass to the mouth of the soju bottle offered by the junior sitting next to Ha Jungyoon.

“Hyung, I’m taking Management Information Systems too.”

“Really?”

“Yes. I saw you on Monday.”

“Okay, let’s get along.”

“Yes, sir.”

I chatted with the easygoing junior and we emptied our glass. Seeing the empty soju bottle, I turned to order more and saw Kim Jooyeon and Jung Chanyoung whispering to each other. Kim Jooyeon nodded, and Jung Chanyoung got up. My eyes, betraying my will, followed Jung Chanyoung as he walked towards the restroom.

Does he need permission to go to the bathroom? He’s already a grown adult? Unbelievable.

I gulped down ice water, crunched on the ice that rolled into my mouth, and secretly sighed.

Today was truly the end. The end. I’m going to cleanly organize my feelings. I had to.

Reinforcing my resolve, I downed the refilled glass of soju in one gulp. I wiped my lips with the back of my hand and, pretending to observe the others, glanced at Kim Jooyeon. Perhaps because I thought of it as the last time, it was especially hard to stop my gaze from drifting towards her today. The feelings had faded a lot during my leave of absence, but it was still a feeling I’d harbored for a year.

Please just let me look at you today. 

Because it’s the last time. 

Be happy. 

Have a beautiful relationship. 

I might not be able to cheer you on… but I won’t get in your way.

My eyelids felt heavy, slowly blinking open and shut.

Ah, I drank too much.

I bit the inside of my lip, and the pain felt dull. A sense of crisis washed over me. I was trying to organize my hidden feelings and end things gracefully, but if I got any more drunk, I’d likely become that embarrassing returning student who made a nuisance of himself by drinking too much at the start-of-semester party.

That would be like something Choi Taeyoung would do. 

The thought jolted me awake.

Ah, I can’t do that.

I needed to sober up a bit.

I need some fresh air. I need a sharp, cold wind to slap my hot cheeks.

Fortunately, I was still capable of rational thought. As I stood up, the junior next to me grabbed my pants. “Where are you going, Hyunsoo hyung?” I waved my sluggish hand to shake him off and went outside. It was only after I stumbled down the stairs that I realized I’d left my padding jacket inside. My body shivered involuntarily.

“This… isn’t March weather. Am I… still in Cheorwon²?” 

What if I hadn’t actually been discharged yet, and I was still at the base, and this was all a hallucination brought on by the hardships of military life?

A sudden goosebumps erupted all over my body. I leaned against the wall of the building, crossed my arms, and hugged myself.

“Are you trying to freeze to death?”

As I blinked blankly, watching people pass by, I heard a disbelieving voice from beside me. I turned my head and saw Ha Jungyoon standing there, wearing a black coat, looking at me.

“You…”

“…….”

“…look warm.”

At my earnest words, Ha Jungyoon’s eyes crinkled slightly.

“Ha.”

Even his exasperated sigh looked like a scene from a movie.

“Is that coat expensive?”

Would I look cool if I wore that coat too? Would that sleek coat warm my empty heart?

“…Is it very expensive?”

Even when I asked again, Ha Jungyoon kept his mouth shut and didn’t answer.

If I combined the allowance I received from my relatives for being discharged and the salary I saved while in the military, I think I could buy it. I’d have to gather all my scattered assets. I started calculating in my head, my mind feeling heavy. I was confident in math. After all, I got a perfect score on the CSAT math section.

“Huh?”

Ha Jungyoon, who had approached me unnoticed, draped his padding jacket over my shoulders.

“Do I have to put your arms in for you too?”

“Wow.”

As I slipped my arms into the padding jacket, it felt as warm as being wrapped in a blanket.

“Warm.”

Did I smile too stupidly? Ha Jungyoon’s face, which I looked at with a smile, was devoid of any amusement.

“Woo Hyunsoo.”

His tense expression looked somehow unfamiliar.

“Want to have another drink, just the two of us?”

Through my blurry vision, I saw my backpack in Ha Jungyoon’s hand.

“Just us veterans.”

Did I see that wrong?

When I looked up again, Ha Jungyoon was smiling playfully as usual.

* * *

I thought we were going to another bar nearby, but Ha Jungyoon called a taxi. The city lights shone brilliantly through the taxi window as we sped across the bridge. I sank into the seat and watched the lights reflect on the gently rippling, dark river below. It seemed to sober me up a bit. 

I turned my head to look at Ha Jungyoon beside me. 

Wow, how can someone be so handsome?

“What?”

Ha Jungyoon asked, still looking straight ahead.

“Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Do you have eyes on the side of your head too?”

“Yeah.”

“You should be filial to your parents.” 

“…I am.”

“Do more. More, more. For giving birth to you with that face.”

In my stern words, Ha Jungyoon sighed deeply and said, “Driver, could you go a little faster, please?” 

I stared blankly at Ha Jungyoon’s flushed ears and anxious eyes, thinking…

…Is he in a hurry to use the bathroom?

After crossing the river, the taxi moved away from the bustling streets and stopped in front of a small, single-story pub.

“Let’s go.”

Ha Jungyoon, clutching my backpack, ushered me forward as I stood there blankly. He then followed me closely behind, like a guard making sure I didn’t escape.

We walked along a stone path in a small garden, past benches with patches of white paint peeling off, and… is that… a scarecrow? Or was it a large wooden statue? I couldn’t tell. 

We then reached a wooden door with a fogged-up window and as I was about to grab the handle of the doorknob, a hand suddenly reached out from behind me and pushed the door open. I turned my head to look up and saw Ha Jungyoon raising an eyebrow. He looked somehow cool, so I tried to raise my eyebrow too, but it didn’t work out as well as I’d hoped.

“…Just go in.”

I wiggled my eyebrows alternately, then gave up and went inside.

Despite it being Friday night, the pub was almost empty. The atmosphere was completely different from the noisy bar we had just left. I quite liked the quiet interior with soft music playing.

I looked around, taking in the surroundings, and then walked over to the window. Just like the entrance door, the wooden window frame appealed to me. I sat down, and Ha Jungyoon sat across from me. The two-person table felt small with two grown men sitting face to face.

“Woo Hyunsoo.”

I was resting my chin on my hand, gazing out the window at the garden we had just walked through when Ha Jungyoon called my name.

“Yeah?”

But he didn’t say anything after calling me.

“If you need to use the restroom, go ahead.”

He had seemed restless for a while. I said it because I wondered why he was being shy about such a thing, but Ha Jungyoon hesitated for a moment, then scratched his eyebrow and let out a hollow laugh. He then crossed his arms on the table and leaned towards me. His face suddenly came close.

“Can you drink more?”

“Me?”

“Yeah, you.”

If I wasn’t planning to drink, I wouldn’t have come here with Ha Jungyoon.

“If you can’t…”

“I can drink. I have to drink tonight.”

I cut him off firmly.

“Because it’s breakup day.”

I used to think Ha Jungyoon looked aloof when he wasn’t smiling, but I was wrong. He looked cold, even a bit cold. I mirrored his expression and said resolutely,

“I’m breaking up with my pathetic self.”

“…Two bottles of soju, please.”

Ha Jungyoon leaned back, raised his hand, and ordered the drinks.

Perhaps because of the alcohol, or perhaps because of Ha Jungyoon’s easygoing nature and ability to keep the conversation flowing smoothly, exchanging drinks and chatting with him was more enjoyable than I’d expected.

“This isn’t a dream, is it?”

“A dream?”

“I’m wondering if I’m still in the military, dreaming about being discharged.”

“Ugh. Don’t say such horrible things.”

“Oh, sorry.”

I apologized quickly and raised my glass to clink it against Ha Jungyoon’s. With the impact, the clear liquid in my full glass sloshed over the rim. I stared blankly at the overflowing alcohol, still holding the glass.

“Are you staring at it so sadly because it’s a breakup drink?”

“…Not really.”

“…….”

“I don’t know if I’m sad or not. Is this sadness? I feel kind of relieved too.”

“Hyun…”

“Ha Jungyoon.”

We called each other’s names at the same time, and Ha Jungyoon closed his mouth to let me speak first. Then, as I just stared at him silently, he leaned back slightly. Keeping my eyes fixed on him, I downed my drink in one gulp.

“Phew.”

“…What is it?”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Why are you being so serious?”

“Can’t I?”

I was being quite serious, but Ha Jungyoon chuckled. Then, he crossed his arms on the table again.

“Ask away.”

“…….”

“Go ahead and ask.”

“Okay. Since you gave me permission, I’ll ask.”

“Yeah.”

“You… uh…”

Even after receiving his permission, my tongue hesitated. I felt like maybe we weren’t close enough for this kind of conversation yet, but I couldn’t suppress my curiosity.

“That, that thing.”

“Yeah.”

“Is that thing true?”

“That… thing? Could you be more specific about which exactly you’re referring to?”

Unconsciously, my eyes drifted and settled on a certain part of Ha Jungyoon’s body under the table. Ha Jungyoo shifted in his seat, crossing his arms and looking at me suspiciously.

“That…”

I hesitated, stalling, then blurted it out, giving up.

Whatever. Everyone knows anyway.

Ha Jungyoon had said it himself, with his own mouth, at the freshman orientation.

“You, that… do you really have no experience with women?”

Even though I was drunk, I could feel my face burning with embarrassment.

“Were you that curious?”

Ha Jungyoon let out a hollow laugh, as if exasperated.

“…Of course.”

“How did you know? You didn’t even come to the orientation.”

“Come on. How could I not know? Even if I didn’t go, it’s impossible not to know. I bet no one in the Business Administration Department doesn’t know. You have no idea because you weren’t there, but people are still arguing about it. Saying you lied, or that it’s true, and so on.”

“Well, it’s an interesting topic.”

“Yeah! That’s what I’m saying!”

As I agreed vehemently, Ha Jungyoon stared at me and then tilted his head slightly.

“Want to know?”

“…Yeah.”

I really wanted to know. I was genuinely curious. Part of it was simple curiosity like everyone else, but more than anything, I secretly felt a sense of camaraderie with Ha Jungyoon.

“I’m curious. Whether it’s true or not… If you don’t want to say it, you can just signal with your fingers…”

My obsession with his private life seemed a bit foolish, even to me, and my voice trailed off.

“It’s true.”

My head, which had been drooping, snapped up.

“…Really?”

My eyes widened, and I gulped. Ha Jungyoon shrugged nonchalantly.

“Yeah. I’ve never slept with a woman.”

“Wow… wow… wow…”

As I stammered, letting out only exclamations of surprise, Ha Jungyoon rested his chin on his hand and asked,

“Is it that surprising?”

“Yeah.”

I answered sincerely, without a moment’s hesitation. I envied Ha Jungyoon’s confidence and was relieved by his answer. It wasn’t strange; even someone as perfect as him could be inexperienced. 

Ah, but that’s not right. 

Ha Jungyoon was still different from me. His situation was by choice, while I… My shoulders slumped as I thought about it.

“But, you know…”

“Yeah?”

“Why? I mean, why did you say that? You didn’t have to.”

As I asked, my vision swam. A wave of drunkenness washed over me.

“It was during a truth-or-dare game.”

“Still. You could have just dodged the question. It’s an awkward, sensitive, and very personal question.”

“Well, I didn’t feel the need to.”

“Wow… you’re really confident.”

“I am.”

“Did… you not have a girlfriend?”

Was he the type to avoid relationships because of his studies? I asked in a near whisper, and Ha Jungyoon smiled strangely and emptied his glass. I filled my own glass with soju and downed it in one shot.

“Woo Hyunsoo, I think you should stop drinking.”

“It’s fine. That’s not important right now.”

“Is it really that important to you whether or not I have experience with women?”

“Yeah.”

I affirmed immediately, and his smiling eyes hardened as he looked at me. The alcohol began to race through my bloodstream.

“…Why? Why is it so important?”

In my blurry, alcohol-hazed vision, Ha Jungyoon seemed to waver. 

Yeah, whether it was by choice or not, the fact that Ha Jungyoon was also a virgin suddenly evoked a sense of camaraderie, reminding me of the comrades I left behind in Cheorwon.

Am I crazy? 

Am I just a typical veteran college student? 

Why do I keep thinking about the military? 

No, that’s not the point.

“Ha Jungyoon.”

“…….”

“Me too.”

“…What?”

I leaned forward, bringing my face close to Ha Jungyoon’s, and covered my mouth with my hand. I tried to lower my voice, but my strained, hoarse whisper came out loud and clear.

“Me too. I’ve never slept with a woman either. You have to keep it a secret.”

“…….”

“I… have erectile dysfunction.”

“…….”

“My ex-girlfriend dumped me because I couldn’t get it up.”