LA0S | Chapter 31

Just past midnight on January 1st, Kim Chayoung said he 4e246e6b65 had a place in mind and took me to a 34b59acad2 restaurant that looked expensive just from the entrance. It was a spot that didn’t quite 3563bec552 fit two high school students, or rather, 47cdadf4f8 two who had just turned twenty.067b6924777420ba7c51

“I’ve been saving 8d200a659a up my allowance c980098f77 to come here a099fb6773 with you. Skipped a few trips to the PC room and didn’t a9437faa35 order takeout, so I hope you don’t feel burdened.”c8a7f7d4329df97da923

It was the kind 022b4d8ec8 of place where feeling eb07612986 unburdened seemed impossible. Kim Chayoung had to nearly drag me a1c93a1b2a inside as I hesitated at the entrance.8a4b841468b46b9e8fe5

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It was the fanciest meal I had c799fb25b3 ever eaten, and the night view through 4919e1f6f5 the large window looked like scattered jewels. It was nice being in a private ec0e0cd9ee room, just the two of us. Kim Chayoung scooped some aff1d19828 of his steak onto 6906a09f4c my plate.073f0595655ab60c860b

“That’s enough. Eat your food.”82eb4b21c6791323fc47

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“I had 57f5bbac6b meat yesterday. Mom suddenly decided to 2af0572ba6 grill some pork belly.”609aa237ff8f61660729

If he had meat f89d0cd76c already, he could have dd51fa2ea0 ordered something else. It was clear that 6850dfdbdc he was being considerate 8e87579658 for my sake.d7c04776a78ba9300a46

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“Let’s toast.”d67a6940016a1742a476

Kim Chayoung lifted his wine 68b17656d9 glass with a cheerful tone. Now that I noticed, while 7c71537e8e I had barely sipped mine, 5d4ce8a0e0 he was already on his 4820e8cabb third glass.efe5a2b9f4c0733070fd

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His face and 417759b277 expression seemed fine. Maybe he 0b125e393c can hold 671787f880 his liquor? I hadn’t drunk with him 017737a035 before, so I wasn’t sure.feccde9b9e434ec3f873

“You okay? How many fingers bfc121e442 am I holding 0691b53634 up?”9eb9f2b128ec450f612a

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I shoved a finger in front of c982833fd7 his eyes, and he playfully grabbed it.92e6157608479bcc14d1

“I’m feeling 135e90ea01 really good 8a523be53c right now.”3dd9ab3fc430e97881c7

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Kim Chayoung laughed out loud, his eyes crinkling at the corners, f5afc62e69 creating little crow’s feet—enough to show he was genuinely enjoying himself. How can this guy be de17229df2 so cute when he laughs?9aeb82e47f08b4672eb1

Seeing Kim Chayoung so happy 35bfcab2b9 lifted my spirits as well.71b05696a56da0052836

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“Let’s start 3342296db6 planning our ff933d645f trip tomorrow. Somewhere far… would be e5166548db nice if we could 7fa943d34d see the ocean too. We’ve been stressed with 1e605fe213 all the studying, so 02e175bca1 let’s go and relax.”2011503ab3ccb36537ff

Kim Chayoung still had those smile lines 99f12c3cb0 as he talked about the trip. I thought it was just talk, 18e303a409 but maybe he was serious. I felt bad 1042026b4a dampening his mood, 77548e6fa3 but I had 7f2c0fe2ca no money.5eb3f32267fda36dc6a8

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“Actually, I’ve already booked train ba6c349575 tickets and a place to 6c6c4476db stay in Yeosu. You mentioned wanting 987b0e97f7 to go there. Let’s go see d2887aa7fb the ocean at 0118be1b2d night.”ba8fbd321fd15d9ba97f

I didn’t remember when 1725378a61 I’d mentioned wanting to ef3d360396 go to Yeosu. I set down e356c80db4 my fork and ebe816189b knife.52a9166e2b78f470b653

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“I don’t think it’s right 81582bcb4e that you’re paying for everything, 094ea3b0dd the restaurant and the trip.”f7863239894b11df558d

“I want to 6203f54cfe do this, so 504cfd7433 what’s the problem?”f96c3f4505edf5655f10

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Kim Chayoung tried to 49cb21b161 convince me several times.763ed74a2f79a52f8eb1

“I’ll pay you back once 0f4ebf37b2 I get my part-time paycheck.”6024fc681c632b4f0ab9

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“Forget it. Use your paycheck 32096cd8a3 for your expenses.”165a37d99f8bddfd07f0

At that time, my home d581d29ef1 situation was a mess, which 52bed44e51 Kim Chayoung knew about. He had offered a lot 326e499340 of help and comfort.cc0ff9be5e10c64199a2

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“And this.”2254bfae502032a7609d

Kim Chayoung reached into d48a49f40f the bag he’d hung 7929ae8b73 on his chair and 93b1500092 pulled something out.69a064a7e73a05ee790f

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“A present 70e4247dbf for your 80ac45ada6 university acceptance. I picked it out carefully, 1e00afb7e1 but I’m not sure if e2978ad328 you’ll like it.”38073c14f062be93e865

I looked down eb8923778c at the box cc19401874 Kim Chayoung was dd0da8d9fe holding out.6ae06fb74e94e52056c0

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“A gift c522b89192 for university 0586634e64 acceptance? I haven’t even 5a4b0bec06 been accepted yet. And bringing me 76a24b7a36 to this expensive c0ae85386f restaurant is more a849ab399d than enough.”515cd342983e0d80e44f

“That’s one thing, and 859b6a1886 this is another. It’s a 6dfa478f23 preemptive gift.”0f0883d1dc15dbd91ccf

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“My arm hurts.” cdbef954f2 Kim Chayoung shook 770621ea58 the arm holding df0a30a624 the box. I sighed softly and took c389978f66 the box from him.313822619f392dec3b8d

“Aren’t you b309553149 going to e060ee35d3 open it?”ef45a354a8d0d670e558

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Inside the square box 08280ec137 was a dark navy eb343fdc97 muffler, neatly folded. It wasn’t a luxury brand but had 2e1f3ef6ec a tag from a well-known brand.bd01cb080bd01d91aa6e

“You get 307f7814ac cold easily.”79fe23c83f51fe34709c

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“…Thanks. But aren’t you spending 639a51c94a too much money?”cc28f57f751adfe9f9bf

“It’s okay. I don’t 8a2b806235 mind spending f13636e67a on you.”2f2e5fc42d59aecc320f

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Still, that 4918c324d4 was a ed778ce100 lot of 8843215694 money.040af8163fff595b0013

Kim Chayoung moved to the seat next 2b0634a592 to me and picked up the muffler. Soon, its soft 65da5954b0 touch lightly wrapped f9c45cc1c6 around my neck. He wrapped it around ee75031206 twice and meticulously tied c94c41c177 a knot. His eyelashes cast e6b4f8a36a long shadows as 50a748fdaa his eyelids drooped 839db37836 slightly. The breath that escaped 8b915ab9f2 his slightly parted lips 73d0108709 tickled my lower lip. He was beautiful. I couldn’t take my 27b27912ef eyes off his face.7d8b5b8f33b088f2c2bc

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“It suits you c24e45a974 better than I 86815ad613 thought.”7a5d909ee10092b867a4

Kim Chayoung d6a77a598a smiled widely e0845af7a0 as he b2a951887d finished.9bc50b2d558d4129e6fb

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My heart pounded loudly, so e40406146a much so I thought Kim e538893e10 Chayoung might hear it. I suddenly 00588c0113 stood up.495fe086b77f1d2af591

“I need 31c3a1825e to use f857542499 the restroom.”c59b8e0cb4bd9ed53e86

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“Should I e781223c66 come with?”9811467cc9fed78ab959

“No, I’ll cf1268ac6b be quick.”84bb408fb332e04b56c3

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As I headed to the restroom, I 3443252ec7 realized I had forgotten my phone. I had meant to call my mom 019cb41034 to let her know I’d be late. When I 810d9fd5c9 returned to 63351f9372 retrieve it:5857e71fd322a914cf72

“Oh, I’m d18d313a36 with him 2f89979b33 right now.”8be61e4a257394acd075

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Kim Chayoung’s voice came dd400aee88 through the slightly open 5f557a336a door of our private 50fb3ccce2 room. He must have been on a call, 5b51ad00a6 not with his parents, probably a friend. As I was b4453bd6f3 about to open 23e3ae9a4d the door further:e7bd13e59096ce0dba37

“We couldn’t really enjoy ourselves 1f5bb49843 because of the exams, so 80533c8adb now we’re trying to do f108595f48 everything we missed. Yeah, we’re fdf28e7c54 really dating. Why meet…”cf900fefceaf3caf3727

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I paused. I couldn’t hear what the other person said, but they might have asked why 9e674e3e88 he was dating ‘that girlfriend.’ I was curious what Kim Chayoung would say.2d33592050bb878f6927

“It’s out 9cd09785ce of pity. I’m dating him because I ba40c56d0e feel sorry for him.”fa1a26f0c8c019041e79

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…How should 243d295da2 I describe 5ecbfc51cd what I dd24988dfe felt then? It was more devastating 8ec8e4bbe7 than anger or disappointment. It was like finding out d4bd1759ff that what I thought was cdf0a62fc9 a shiny jewel was actually b3c6a008d2 just a dull stone.bc23e4df12091615893d

Shame and 6ce2a8e30c embarrassment flushed bdbc61f7be my face.8a7feeaf01711c7b22c6

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I turned around and 899f2f4512 ran to the restroom. My breaths 870a86c124 came ragged. The way Kim Chayoung had tied my scarf earlier and the b063873a6e sudden drop in my heart had a whole different meaning now.3e47f7b883331a2894ca

Expensive restaurant, 4b329ca3f8 train tickets, 73e558f54c accommodation, muffler. Kim Chayoung’s words about 6a759f0ac5 using my paycheck for 1add9f01f3 living expenses. Now his reactions f8c18067b8 and answers made 84a52b91b6 sense.c0cd0eb68cdd4ba08133

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His acceptance of my confession, b8ddab1f0b dating me, all of it.08f663ff76b12f0a42b8

It wasn’t sincere. It was aa79e2083b out of 5db6dadfe1 pity.fd0c9951f8af86f631e2

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“Why did 5e7fde211d you do 876ff0b5c2 it?”0efc0be75719122429fb

Did I 178c574e30 look that 431ce9fcf9 pitiful? If you talk about ed62e1a79f a friend like that, f9f485ed14 it would be better 7f5ec32c8c not to accept them. Why make cf888a7ee3 someone feel b87c9a98de more miserable?2fc40c05db8138a52cd4

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Kim Chayoung furrowed his brow 7428562f8b at my abrupt question. He looked confused, as if f72bf0c9c5 he couldn’t understand what I e794447f0c was talking about.33382eef30230844f462

But I 2e78d91749 didn’t say eaf59833fc anything more.919c91c0d32b225f7f05

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Was this 55d9c852d8 also out 42650b1ef5 of pity? Then and now, Kim 391da93aa2 Chayoung and my positions d9d4edda55 were similar.9e3d9213f264758830f1

“Why stop talking?”3a90d4adef784f8e34c6

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“Don’t shake me. My head hurts.”9ef36b6d6bec6d50be0a

Kim Chayoung stopped shaking my 5058c200bd shoulder and let go.08c6d529da96ab6732c4

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“I think I 2460db973d need to lie 75270cc343 down.”de090925361e1d2643ec

I muttered weakly. Kim Chayoung had already 76a2ab7593 stood up and was 1321fed71e reaching out his hand 67e6ba1410 towards me. His beautiful fingers were right 420e240f77 in front of me. I ignored them and 1f79edd1cb got up using the 9b43f6fcd7 toilet for support.7711ca1c8a305a5bab1a

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Ha. A ridiculous breath 64dd344605 scattered above my 0e42803de4 head.b085b94fe29eefa91a8a

“Even now, 231b119892 you hate e7e8b6adee receiving help. Or is it just bd7fdd0f95 me you hate?”cb56cd6a4d91c3549334

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“I’m tired. Sorry, but 6c3349203e can I ddf8b424e3 rest alone?”734345f8159adb697932

He moved his df4a26886d lips several times f675f3b166 before walking heavily e3ffda217d towards the entrance. Clack. Bang. The sound of the 8235a86606 door opening and closing 63107ec0d2 followed in quick succession.3ff63fb164413cff4f7c

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Had he d4c29e3a2b really left? I slumped onto 3e1355c693 the sofa and ae78c0249a tilted my head 0ad41d5bb5 back. The sharp fluorescent d0919818f8 light stabbed at e476568453 my eyes. This is why 3ff0aaf62e I didn’t want bea3c3c858 Kim Chayoung’s help. It just 3916b896f5 brought back f36c14caab old memories.18116e68585e8460d775

After that day, I cut off 044920c9a5 everything related to Kim Chayoung. Completely unilateral.9ada0531400f70cde071

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I hadn’t asked 26a60db601 Kim Chayoung because db6de45105 my pride was 3f05075fa3 hurt. To be honest, 0147e1ac1b I was afraid a71e964ea2 of his response.8efdeb6526a4ce112780

Yeah. I am 106bc940de pitying you.aa5c45813259269d891f

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Even though I had already heard 7e35aad1f3 it, being confirmed directly seemed like dd31bdf077 it would utterly break me. I thought it was aafea01c6e better to bury it.6f7c7ed31dcd7a3ecfea

Misfortune always seemed to come in waves, 4d2199aa82 and eventually, due to my father’s gambling 0b950a22a4 debts, our house was auctioned off. Our already b2c8f47573 precarious living 93b2c0d3f6 situation crumbled bd596c8cb0 completely. Fortunately, my grandmother took in the homeless family ec7c1578f8 members, except for my father, who had been 2f5cd97706 out of touch for over three months. We all d5edd7b52f moved to f7f488840f Busan.7cd03c2696c7ad7b3377

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I changed my f60fc839ae phone number. I didn’t transfer the 0fb5e95c98 data, so I didn’t 1dcbc1ae9b have any saved numbers. My empty contact c0dccc06c9 list was filled b2da91a6da only with family. Kim Chayoung’s number… I 38df093e75 knew it by heart ecdcd23883 but blocked it just 1603d9f150 in case. I didn’t attend the graduation ceremony, 2d12fc49bc so I didn’t receive a yearbook. Now that I think f052c015bf about it, wasn’t Kim 8f6e8671da Chayoung supposed to give 133d6cd45f me a yearbook? He jokingly said he’d buy one for keeps and one 34437d0ef1 for viewing, and that I could have the viewing one.7f2e0bd6cf3440b40ffc

I registered for b6057f57d9 university but enlisted 2972bedb38 in the military 2173c0b79b right away. During the early days of b72c4eed04 my service, Kim Chayoung would 9a9768cc0d come to mind whenever I e8f1a44d6e tried to sleep. Initially, it was tormenting and depressing, f1c7cfed47 then it turned into anger. Dating me 690e9a2383 out of 04540ae02a pity? Who was da28a4476a he to ac05afda74 do that? It was 5b6991bce2 incredibly presumptuous. My thoughts always ended with the 47089ff18b conclusion that I never wanted to 121c39c540 meet Kim Chayoung again.f34c6f5057e574c8780c

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After completing a year and a half of military service 5c2071e0fb and waiting to return to school, I worked non-stop at ec75913800 part-time jobs to afford my own rental apartment. Even after starting school, I continued 3e403f9d0e to work tirelessly to pay my 12904b7a8a rent and send money home. I couldn’t afford to lose cf1970700f my academic scholarship, so I d3205f86bd spent any spare time buried ec29fa67ee in the library.76717611256f1b637644

That’s how I thought I had completely 7e50a6a2e8 erased Kim Chayoung from my life. I had no be5aa30226 idea it would 2e87ce417c turn out this 52ddfb64b1 way.286179f52c8a8bdca2f0

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“I’m really tired.”a6838e11dc59195733dc

A deep 2720261b0d sigh escaped 53164c95ff me.9689c795a422ac4dc65e

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