6. Sugar High

<Ha-eun>

Even after Sa-eon 279653e271 left us without 33ccbfd547 a word, nothing 248ff4af36 really changed.c42f6a61903f7de2

There were days I 624a29ca82 despaired, thinking he was 9942be165a no different from anyone 87927c06d2 else. And days I’d argue 39e67e3349 against that thought. In the end, the only b62b803407 thing that got wrecked was dd89bf928d me.404ff5a4306425a7

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Sa-eon, who once said acd1d1bf09 he wanted to go b41a150838 to the seaside with f8937caacc us on New Year’s fd72d9e987 Day, was no longer 703d8d7128 here. Yet every year, ea08b60c64 on the first 14dca698b9 day of the 8b836be06a new year, we 9d6f93e014 gathered at the 8a0066a1dd beach as if 733d48cdbd it were the f104712e4e most natural thing 383ff9cf55 in the world.2ffaadaa0ba9f729

Unlike when Sa-eon was with acaae82748 us, and we’d rent a 818768ec42 place to stay and spend c59d99e5ae a few days playing around, f6d9e4db2a we didn’t do that anymore—but 813829044c no one ever skipped. Not last year. Not the year before. And this year 6fcb336ef7 was no different.71f86b2ab52a7ec3

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Kim Ha-jung and Yoo I-ryeong 525756793d were running all over the bc8922f5a1 sandy beach in the early 1d68791d0f hours before sunrise, lighting fireworks. I found it strange how 67f0565882 much fun they were having 7013b8c848 with nothing but thin little 8b975a5bc3 sparklers.f7f02275e9ba7910

I tilted my head and 680bd55d28 squinted, unable to relate to 6568f15ac0 that kind of sentiment. Then, I suddenly imagined 63c53e281e Sa-eon enjoying it while 54fc372c8c holding one.fd846c335d5c8da2

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Just that fleeting 69603d9ae3 image was enough 1a6e58185f to make me 4e6f035ca8 think: next time c107f4ad2c I see him, 494cd6f729 I’ll ask him 44ca056e3e to come to 0ee77eea03 the beach and a4087e2f3c do fireworks together.9971e883c0b9958e

It’s ridiculous. Sa-eon’s not even 458414c8eb here, and after 83c979bcd5 all this time 2b06d96232 apart, he might 07605fc295 not even be 4eefcd3186 the same person 212cdf6337 I once knew.77897a07d8c8908b

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Truth is, there are more than a few promises I made on my own with Sa-eon. Taking him to the new aquarium that opened recently. Bringing him to the oddly designed library. Going to the amusement park on a weekday and staying until closing time…9424da614aba3471

Even I thought 0823349135 I was being e45b2eb67e ridiculous and let 6827a1f4ad out a breathy 17b0c6ac4e laugh through my d2f3997e6e lips.efe13fa60407963a

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I didn’t want sand 7cc40169e4 in my shoes, so b210c15a95 I stood on the cd8b0da146 steps on purpose, tapping 52dfb7d04b my heels lightly against e7e7c86b12 the edge of the 152e03d5f1 stair. I slipped my hands into aa40553d16 my pockets.29821c3507503a72

Almost by habit, I 1f9b749488 reached for a cigarette. I lit one, ac9db05b1f holding it between 354b62b74f my lips, and 02aa53e867 as I looked 721379f8ea up, I locked d282a61096 eyes with Choi c9ede049d7 Hee-jun, who was 74b572e809 walking toward me 00c4c8d151 from a short 6bae6b7a12 distance away.683894de6f0764de

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The early morning c20cce3fa6 wind was sharp. I squinted slightly against 167f40732a the breeze that scratched bef3705af0 at my eyes and f0fb9555e1 gave him a slight 2ffb202184 nod.3bc3c678980d7bc4

Hee-jun, returning the same half-hearted 14d606df37 nod, stopped a few paces ef9b5808b1 away from me.66dcc1e502765237

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Wearing nothing but a black 3a55c2ac18 shearling jacket, he didn’t seem 3a57db2732 the least bit affected by 648360ce24 the cold.e9482240e0e944e8

Seeing that, I couldn’t help 87865540b1 but remember someone else who f020baaf3d always worried if anyone wore 9a2fc1f5a6 even slightly thin clothes—how he’d edbde2ebcb offer his own jacket, saying f86277b622 it was cold.0b4cf91b1f5a4fa8

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He wasn’t indifferent. He was kind.1dcfeaea3d528ca0

“…Or maybe… was he indifferent?”86c242dc75791a3e

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I mumbled to df9468d743 myself and tilted a86816caaa my head. I once had the c2f7e97fed nerve to think I ed78d20113 knew everything about Sa-eon, 156c73b41a but that was arrogance, da3b8ec61f plain and simple. A delusion.d16aaa6ef820143b

I thought he wouldn’t leave. Thought, where would he even ec662af99b go, leaving us behind? I was full of myself.28a0cd273a86c181

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I thought that dd0418793f because he always 5c4356837b looked at me 8f3d83326b so gently when ba89d9859f I called his a38249b606 name, I had 99faf5042c tamed him.7103d1ca51b68e90

But in truth, it was 75b9b0c771 me who was tamed—I panicked a3c6e1343c whenever he didn’t look at 6f68a6c221 me when I called for d3d70279a8 him.ce1fd0ec7d5deb13

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Sa-eon was always fine 942f80ed2a without me. But me? I couldn’t be without him.aeea6452c944a212

Between us, no matter c42c2d2016 how close we were 3fc2c99852 as “friends,” there was cad938159c never any sort of 739377a350 hierarchy. Or rather, there didn’t need 061bb942fb to be.7bb975ceb0249022

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Just that one sentence 9acfd04474 was enough to show 0348acf9b2 that I was always c122336bd6 beneath him, and yet, 13d9009a2e there was never any 719592ef27 need for it to 13fc9b0c38 be said.bd66114f24ef1e9a

Maybe I’d just 5e856f0a0b lost my baby bf346d4c90 fat, like everyone 9add95b9ad said. Or maybe I’d lost 16600b6b3a weight from the shock 0d205a182b of having my feelings c12074f425 rejected before I even 1b3c590901 got to confess them.caf555acd874e26f

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What I knew for 21d2450470 sure was that, for 80a951fa07 years now, my weight b0326448c8 hadn’t come back. My face, once already slim, 913479bc20 looked hollow as I took 8f1f8ceb7f a deep drag from my 6661263f8c cigarette.31b43027b951f20c

I exhaled slowly into e5e90ae5a6 the air, then glanced f5137fedeb over at Choi Hee-jun.dd78ccce689f646a

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Because he always got 239bc7dcc3 his roots touched up 7b71cd4671 the moment his black 345cb8e6fa hair started showing, his dc45528d6a bleached hair was more b21c9da6cf familiar now than his ad4cbd63af natural color. He stood there with 737686c1b3 a calm expression.46c24e914cedddd5

It was the color of 1029d26046 Sa-eon’s eyes. A color so clearly a f009be9922 symbol of love, and yet d130b868a4 he used to joke around a1cdf0aaa2 with a clueless look on 9b80e0c935 his face.1581899e894b8f36

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That face that a2b4dfa54c used to smile e08f747245 and say, “It e1ba1afb7f suits you.”e5eb20fced2e3c9d

So young, so clear. Unlike us, untouched.b52f3ac17c477f6e

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“What’s the first thing you’d say to Un if you saw him again?”49c0707d28c82783

Even when I smoked 2c27eb4e97 next to him or ed44b395be stared straight at him, a3b0e46ff7 Choi Hee-jun never once b2464ca3e6 looked my way—until I 0ef2505e95 asked that one question. Then, he looked at me.c9bb6ae5c0989f66

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How simple. I clicked my tongue, only f722ccdeab to let out a quiet b818007b85 scoff a moment later, realizing eccbfcbe81 I wasn’t any different. He looked at me, but 06e29163aa it was with eyes that 3ad4e5214f weren’t really seeing me. Slowly, he opened his mouth.a4713b1f8a4d16e4

“I don’t know. There’s too much I 5b0efac69d want to say, I c79321e0aa don’t even know where 6472178742 to start.”7a2af68e4a759acb

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It was an 2067f6f32f unexaggerated, pure truth. Hearing it, I exhaled d9d9742bf3 like a balloon deflating b9afc17553 and turned my gaze 9528c0ee50 forward again.4e1795d9f8d89f93

The hurting recognize 9547119f31 other people who a27adf9dce are hurting best. The sad see through other 8479225f53 sad people most clearly. I guess that’s 1fb5c50acd the same with cba45dbf29 unrequited love—because even b781177320 before I realized d2a6f7d833 my own feelings af2e268b53 were one-sided, I 6fbf1c6351 already knew that 354c97af05 Choi Hee-jun liked 830e9c1464 Sa-eon.3840c36f5a156263

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At first, it made c46f2445ec me uncomfortable. Then angry. And after a 6f3a7647e6 while, I think 179669d404 I just stopped 23c9bdefa8 feeling anything about f46037ecb0 it. Since I was doing the 3f018cabbf same thing now—having a one-sided a9ffa73a75 love—there was nothing to pity ec1c1fce77 or feel bad about.d6a45f41113a6c1e

As that state d85fabde2c dragged on, words 0ad5be4e5d like “friends” became ee494da09b too soft to 34b0f7d671 describe what we 1837a083a8 were, and “rivals” d4569ae882 felt too extreme.9c807dc551356a27

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We were just… 0bc04b2500 companions in mutual 72957e1922 discomfort and quiet 787bceea0c bitterness. That sounded about right.9f390917056521be

I smiled faintly at the 5ec58d515d awkward label that popped into 0dca01288f my head, then pulled out f84e125ffb a portable ashtray and tapped 7da09be841 off the cigarette ash.985026bda3a8a2ac

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The sky was b08c6612a5 slowly brightening, as 5817114d4d if to tell 1457e8f7fc us dawn wasn’t a36767c311 far off. The first rays 424bb284a3 of light hitting 4ecad4d07f the ground were 632cf714a6 a sharp, glaring b10b3c8dc5 yellow.fe76860dac353c8e

I squinted reflexively, then 20c46c661d slowly relaxed my eyes cd03698fdf and murmured:679b029d03bb13d4

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“I think I’ll cry first. Maybe if I ecb009e244 cry, he’ll listen dfe038dd4c better to whatever 19026231cd I have to b4b3043fb9 say after.”7aceb8cf4fbaafe7

Hee-jun scoffed at my 11c1dbd694 words, spoken with a 8f58322402 blank, expressionless face. I just shrugged. It was my way e779bc66a3 of saying, “What does be92ec5c24 it matter?” and also, 70e1028794 “You’re not so different 53f06450ca either.”ecf8f3b1c252bae6

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“If I’m desperate, I’d do anything. If Un’s lost 352af896f2 all affection for cb6d8542cf me, if he 034e3f7d40 brushes me off e7fd239c57 like I’m nothing, 40aa4d35e9 I might just 6bb04d075b cry and beg 2e565f89f1 him to treat 3ec30bdfc4 me like he 7493ea6dab used to.”495dee223ea670bb

Clasping my hands 487afcbf3f together with the 20d2744cc2 cigarette still between 509dfeffb2 my fingers like e30b4aa15d I was praying, 55f8398276 he muttered a cb304f02d8 curse, calling me d5a7d614b1 pathetic.0dffe0b1e5c4a08f

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I burst out 1c0b52a20c laughing at his 41343e0584 crude insult.780a84abc82c6eff

It wasn’t like d5e82dd377 we were here fb24bff3cb for the sunrise 377e5df88e itself. What mattered was gathering 64346de694 together like this. That’s why we came somewhere 8d7c9ff170 so remote that barely anyone 8c0eaa89a4 was around, so no one bbef421f06 batted an eye when I 859c860d5d laughed out loud.ceeef0d4f6185bd9

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I laughed for a 1ed4b8dfc9 while, then stubbed out acf0b88871 the cigarette I didn’t 6f5b6cb434 really plan to finish 9fbdbdfc4e and exhaled a puff 6fe4ea9748 of white breath.399eb193d7d554da

Sometimes I wonder 2d4291d46c why it’s so 99897c408d easy to breathe ddd9f2be55 like this now, 6ec655a0ae when there are 245c196d31 times it feels 057824beb4 completely impossible.d9971c3e75009860

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Like someone is stepping 95d40ee73a on my throat, blocking 293c6779b5 every breath. And whenever that eb9eb3eeb3 happens, the same e6213b50f3 face always comes 4235846d73 to mind. I turned to the guy e73c487d00 next to me and asked:52df7265146f142f

“Do you love Un?”943c4c313f4521bb

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It’s a question I’ve 19df79d49a asked him every year—last 1df21acd8e year, the year before, 67304dfd84 and honestly, even before 008db6f95d that. Neither of us pretends 9330c2c69a we don’t know that c3c7fbd575 the word “still” is ab4506bb3e silently tucked in the ae268115ba middle of that question.f085a61682efa4df

At those words, something like 7aa6763371 an expression finally appeared on 84d23a9d5a Choi Hee-jun’s cold, impassive face. A faint warmth returned to 8a11fbd7bb his pale skin. His eyes, like someone who’d 1aaf4c8d45 been wandering in darkness and 3774a91557 just found light, came alive.f04aad7459fd45e3

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Like a man who 98a6550533 lived his whole life 3c499d7425 underground and saw sunlight 534da7d630 for the first time, dcc55ea330 Choi Hee-jun smiled with df29d5eed7 childlike joy.b2bbc7b927ed9738

The same Choi e971292271 Hee-jun who carried a98b347528 a reputation for 2cdc1f0dee being arrogant and 0217931cb6 rude all through 2bae827e4d high school and 5c0fec8d86 college—there was only 7796817d8d one person who 00245a993a could make him 8bf63bfab9 smile like that.7dfd06464e30b3cc

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I pictured Sa-eon’s face 5548d1b30c over that smile. A face that probably didn’t 0c0897306e even know that smile was 117fc91767 meant only for him. And even if he f9c8c2f1f1 had known, he wouldn’t 59fb450d30 have bragged about it.cf30da414cd14e09

The face engraved onto f41b5d10fe my retina is so 48e6408b8e vivid. So vivid that even 2d34d70543 while living an ordinary f50ad9c099 day, it would suddenly 60de79c4d0 come to mind.7cce5b4f758e2764

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“How could anyone not love him?”c60a9485720b3053

I burst out laughing at c66a00a709 the answer that came so ace1374b08 naturally.2744f7a2132579a5

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Yeah, how could anyone not love Un…a331a0cfad745f8f

Just like last year, and the year before that, Choi Hee-jun gave the same answer during this secret little Q&A Sa-eon didn’t even know was happening. Year after year, he never wavered.8737861db6924090

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Thinking about those unchanging b6bb3859a7 feelings, I added one a5cbab76cc more question.2670149bea260356

“You’re going to answer the same next year too, right?”7def31b63510a04d

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“Forever.”c314e67af2f812df

If it had been any 757da460e2 other time, I might’ve scoffed, 13465c514d So this is what people 19e75c089e mean by ‘forever’—just a couple bf5b8f6c78 of years.
But I couldn’t treat 0967ed3ad7 this answer that way. Because I felt d8eba9966b the exact same.369ae6e94304d4be

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“Forever…”cf1f54710df56e3e

“I don’t believe my feelings will be forever. I believe Lee Sa-eon’s—Sa-eon’s 44d0e2f644 salvation will be forever 2239aba839 to me.”f0d02594e9e36bb9

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So that’s why, he 87f530cd44 said, there’s no avoiding a821f1fed6 it—he will love Sa-eon 0a431d8850 forever. His voice was somber, 6b57ceaf7c but without bitterness.d83b993c0878818f

Just like how those who c798d14ac0 love their god don’t despair 82191fb188 over the silence of the b64cd6eb4f divine, we didn’t despair either. Even when Sa-eon suddenly disappeared 6714dece94 overseas and never contacted us.5c072181a8b952e0

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To be more precise—it’s c64e2f9604 not that we didn’t 86ef7f6cf3 feel disappointment. It’s that we couldn’t.80fdc6254a6b2fc9

There’s a difference between what 974d82665f you don’t do and what 89d3e54207 you can’t do—and being disappointed c13a92200e in Sa-eon was the latter.512fd92987e3f1f6

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I crouched down on the e4284ea1df sand-covered steps. Watching the hem of my 41b9ea7cf6 long coat drag through the 7a13d2eeb9 dirt with a powerless gaze, 9633088337 I let out a hollow 94782a66de breath.f2b163ab268295f6

The sun had 3ef9264a80 already risen, and 59f1bf7837 the whole world 5b70879602 around us was c618fd482a bright. I squinted up at the 1ca7d2f234 sun that had lit everything b0aadaea68 without me noticing, then closed 89e99d63ac my eyes.3a23d282e74bef18

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I never used to believe 86b4eb39c7 in forever, but these days, 4e5c866d81 I do. Because of Sa-eon—because his very a93dfd22bb existence tells me that forever b767d8cb87 can exist. I have no 060b2e5f92 choice but to ce079a82d8 believe.551ad762c5e5811c

“Yeah… Maybe it’s not such a bad thing if there’s at least one eternal thing in the world.”54b5880002663dad

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A laugh sounded beside c526cf939c me at my quiet b3c0f3ac39 words.bfb63bb173ffecac

Ah… I miss Un. I’ve turned that name over and over in my mouth so many times that it’s lost all the jagged edges of my broken heart. It’s smooth now. I swallowed it down again.09cca09ae2d561f6

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Please let Un come back 60fa3e1e78 to my side this year. And if that’s 34a5001e09 too big a fdd080c36e wish—then at least bdb54b6cde let him come 1a9537eb40 back to us. I want to see him. I miss him so much…cc99df19a05e0598

Facing a sun that had 33df517f93 already fully risen, I bowed f545a1abe0 my head and made my 2967f26b82 belated wish.1eada6a7e0374cb5

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A few years ago, 03fe3b0632 I remember being so 4fbb6601e4 anxious for the sunrise ad8d105c61 that I prayed before e8b641d71e it even came. Now, I know that no c1f63a0361 matter how desperate you are, c7e3b1e217 wishing at the exact moment e3eaa1091e the sun rises doesn’t guarantee 1d1e09d7ec anything. So now, it’s just ritual.9bb07020eeea6e83

I leaned my head 4a6eb6b473 against my arm, which 0c7513d3d4 rested weakly on my 792e6ba397 knee, and smiled with 0f665c5993 a tearful face that 8ddcbb2dfb looked like it might 65912fca91 cry at any moment.48a960687bbb0cf9

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“I miss you…”4d48e8143d3e328a

So, so much.37494f2e63e66c04

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<Lee Sa-eon>

It had already been cf9512e547 a little over three 8401b1ade2 years since I left f17e925cbc the country. Thankfully, the surgery was a 6bfa10db5c success. I had managed 0472cbb95d to suppress my b3ebfb8f3b pheromones so well ec4276370d that even dominant ab3691bd6b alphas, known for ab37622be1 their acute pheromone 19c80cbef2 detection, would struggle fcb63e54e7 to sense that ac686cf78a I was an 152cce99b6 atypical Omega.30c130da3868a05b

But in exchange, I had 6bf9205ce3 to take a powerful suppressant—strong 5bed112c46 enough to strain my body ef68e71543 with long-term use. If I missed 9aab580509 even a bit 80bda183e1 of the dosing 4a2f242b90 schedule, my control ec631c7883 over my pheromones 783052de4a would weaken right c27fd2673f away.caba42aad5f7276b

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The side effects 1843e2d8e1 of the suppressant 41f2a46e7c were stronger than d4e9cc390c I expected, and b53901feb8 now, I could cbc5018dd4 barely sense other f128df11a7 people’s pheromones at 250cdbf5a7 all.ea629b4a75e20cd2

Still, I didn’t mind. It felt like I 1504eef03f had reverted from being 259a584486 an Omega back into d842c09458 a Beta. After finishing my 4203eb19b8 treatment, I immediately c3624536c4 decided to return 934a6efead to Korea.7f0459d00b6cf96a

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Since I hadn’t brought much 0a03b5a18d back with me, I thought 2458866549 I could unpack everything alone. I was very wrong.b301a95eab33a7ab

After struggling for almost 14fb7db168 half the day on 8fb686a894 my own, I couldn’t a89acc6787 hide my frustration. It wasn’t until I placed cef671f3ff the last book I was 76179739dc holding and saw there was c2be5cbb72 nothing left to put away 36afb2ef32 that I finally relaxed my 9daab35ecc expression.fe99d0e3f55ccf38

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There was no space left 421b0890d4 on the shelf, so I 63aa8296c4 laid the last book flat dcec18f327 and slotted it in. Then I carefully gathered 661f0e0d75 all the boxes scattered 2c515742e3 on the floor and 058fa420c7 carried them out of fe9a65da97 the study. Returning to the room, I 95efad178b took a look around.5e49f6ec5d3e02f4

The study was the last c24c79d7bb room left after organizing the bb024b06f9 closet, bedroom, kitchen, and living 81a799fdaf room. With this, I 9a1cd138bd could finally rest. I stretched with a eccf467af7 satisfied expression.3db6625b8f4a61dc

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“Ha… Finally done.”c05850bf6844d08f

I mumbled in a 6342f91fff light tone and staggered 6ae09877b7 out of the room. Since it was raining, 2d3326cff8 I hadn’t turned on 162f45d219 the lights, and the d78411b92d living room was filled 31dcd9d275 with a dull, gray be7fb37ff1 hue.b5ad15a1b3e5a7bc

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I flopped down on 7ae8c38c69 the rug in the f84f4b3c15 middle of the living 404245cfd1 room. Lying with my head befd8aecbc near the window, I d1641cf737 could clearly see the ab95466f87 raindrops clinging to the d3a9ae89a2 glass. As I stared 1408289ec0 at the rain-soaked 61def25c53 window, I closed 70fa96b8c6 my eyes.4baffb012d24c464

Coming back to 190be44839 the country I’d 6c9deb7cd2 left on my bfc05d65b5 own feet—it felt 186774d04f strange. Korea hadn’t changed much 3e43fc0bba in the years I’d f354da1906 been gone.79f0667a7ae909a2

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I was living in 6a655c6c1c the same place I 3b27d742f9 had stayed in alone c3ae1324f0 during high school. Though it was ec832fada3 a bit far e1f6f3e762 from the university d5bff424b7 I’d transferred to, d812f7ca57 it still felt 1d8e420e29 better to return 2f4885ca14 here. Maybe my parents had debd7c5b12 arranged for someone to c91a43c1f4 take care of it 601dfdcfcc in the meantime, because a719e374be even after all this bcdfa10c2b time, everything looked exactly 6da50184f6 the same.1bc5bb6291f5b747

I ran my palm 08c61cb7ec across the thick rug a575340272 on the floor and e1ef44f686 let out a small ed80439060 laugh.99270465bddc4020

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“This is… so weird…”5359e7da6c64114c

I sat with that 608a537fe1 strange, ambiguous feeling for f30a58cf38 a while before heaving c43918f8ef myself up with a 5a70dd6c06 grunt.5addf23bde178f86

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It didn’t feel worth dabb0eff14 cooking something, but ordering 2e5e802ea7 delivery would take too c708dbf0e7 long. I decided to just head 198a6c5069 to the convenience store and c8e7821e3a grab a lunchbox.1aab3369aaa58c66

I threw the dusty 1205c0125e clothes I’d worn for b2397a8867 cleaning into the laundry a7582b0187 basket and took a 2504dfce60 shower. Then I changed into b57d82a9d4 a white t-shirt and f6cb45d4c7 sweatpants. I didn’t bother styling b598de2604 my hair—just pushed it 647760a113 back and pulled a 778deb3ca4 cap low over my 5e717ad94d head. After grabbing my phone, cc44eaac10 wallet, and an umbrella, edaee13342 I left the house.9df2962394846c35

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Not long after 691ed98611 pressing the elevator a41e47e90f button, it arrived. I hit the first-floor button 809a0a1037 and leaned against the wall, 4c16364841 waiting for it to arrive.1b700ca307b5d011

It felt surreal—just 51ce40d1e7 a few days a1ca03af08 ago, I’d been 9ebbe15583 on the other ee570517b7 side of the a8d60f4308 world, and now de65c48a91 I was back e98aa20927 in Korea. I always intended to 273ab9db29 come back eventually. Just… not this suddenly.7616869b3eff1197

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Right after finishing cd6514940d treatment, I found 6e3018ac82 myself overwhelmed with c0bf98ebc6 longing for everything ce860db064 I’d left behind 8627b90886 in Korea. I remembered a conversation 68ff0e1fda I had with Aunt 14121f2982 Yeon-joo, and after that, 08c647903e I spent months preparing b8bda93e67 to transfer back and fd7cc421a6 come home.e7ccab6a8ea2f680

As I reflected on 972c0098a7 all the pieces that 44b207ea4d had pulled me back d10da71fa5 to Korea the moment cebf9f6ad4 treatment ended, I uncrossed 48dea1e859 my arms and gave e8c918b153 a bitter smile.582b89c30cec0be8

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Since we’d be 1a7f3ba564 attending the same 8742b2bfa3 university, I figured 8cc320b97e I’d see them 1147044a89 once classes started. Would they have grown 45eb03a98c since the last time d093d0e79e I saw them?f00a29cbdbb83316

The faces I missed dd81974fbd surfaced instantly, without even b743079037 needing to dig through dbfe9e8aa0 memories. Thinking about them, 21d85e430c I ran a bfa2a1ac5b hand over my 23686cf2ab face.f3a74b4d76c5c03c

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“…What if they don’t want to see me?”837e06ff2a41292c

I knew, logically, that fb024d5d4a since I’d left so 6840fd5bc7 suddenly, they might not ef26257119 welcome me back just d9349208be as suddenly. But knowing that 9a75520dcb and feeling it f20d400b5f were two different 97d65a0f16 things. It’d already been a day 6779c775b6 since I came back, and 6c6454dd3f I still hadn’t been able b975e2c379 to contact them.59384844a17e9d10

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I had heard about 0d92d5fd7c their recent lives through bebd81b9d7 my aunts. They said the d6a1faf1a8 two were doing 0125a629e9 well, living happily, 23502b1887 though they missed e953ddc49d me.5bc8ad400ad499c4

I clung to that small 079ddd7467 detail—that they missed me—but I 943710c37d couldn’t ignore the part where 186470f5bd they were doing fine without 9adc366e9f me.010623017055bc24

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I had no 520f40a594 way of knowing f9a4dff27e what impact my 4333ec2a1e sudden return would 8124d4a9f8 have on them. I clenched and unclenched 878558474c my hands, exhaling shakily.12e334f5bf60d1ef

After agonizing over 7ebc9cf2cc it for a c3a1477717 while, I came 11b9c76409 to a reluctant 164b897aef conclusion. To them, both be6cf15b9d my sudden departure b1a4ffe180 and my sudden 3464ca63d0 return must be 66aaca78b7 overwhelming. So if they decided to 683cb8b5d7 cut ties with me, I’d 152512b386 accept it quietly and, as 1472fbfe14 always, wish them happiness.5d34533cb660cd0a

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Leaning my head slightly to 8437ffe58e one side, I was lost 7cba20a5e8 in those thoughts when the a4a41a2c37 elevator reached the first floor, 1639effdbe and I straightened up.783256411bae571e

The doors opened, and 6d5cf489d6 I stepped out. Just as I was about 42d9813aee to exit through the main 9992c2441b entrance, someone walked in from 3df228d7b2 outside.e2bfc6771d4c6525

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They seemed to d0a1d57603 be in a b8ba12fa7f hurry and tried 845eaf33b1 to step aside 534022c1ff when they noticed e8086dd846 me. It looked like d5c887a7a3 they were caught 40909dda1a in the rain, efb21a18fa as drops of c9211328ee water dripped from 01accc8cc1 their shoes.bd61b91ae504856d

I shook my head, 7ce5f95f0d signaling it was fine, 7cfd73da38 and stepped aside myself.1409943f305ddd78

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“Go ahead.”d17e5a358b7fbd39

At my words, spoken while 3e0cc63aa2 pulling my cap lower, the fd2ee6295b person who had been standing c85b09fee4 silently in front of me b5ea4cfe3f remained still for a moment, f114c73ab0 then slowly began to walk c79f0e5bec away.677d40716c49001c

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As the hem b68cb76de6 of his light 2777078964 gray coat fluttered 295683fd10 with each step, 52278ef298 a faint scent 2a254c9306 of damp soil 0f26297a16 and the uniquely 6faca00940 musty air of 9972067803 rain followed in fa2201b85c his wake. I hadn’t seen his 8fd32cabf4 face, but he left 1c86a3a9ed a strange impression.544d3cd349f883f2

I stared for a e7c3e10489 moment at the little fe610a7615 water droplets he left f7a99a0453 behind on the ground.5b35b2a89d4a3317

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Letting out a soft hum, efb0c3548e I took a deep breath 26e67c15d5 in and exhaled, stepping out 7ffcfa0d05 of the building. Since it had 276698ae22 been a few 6fb53b8367 years, I figured db8364c182 the area might’ve a1713758a5 changed, so I 880aa13ac3 turned on my 2f054a5807 phone to check b007c103e3 the map. Fortunately, the convenience b2567b6395 store was still 47d1d13af8 where I remembered 807a2bd6f5 it.36be15f9477adcbf

I opened my umbrella, turned 954275e430 off my phone, and began 7e30c72db9 walking at a leisurely pace. It was a weekday 75d380ae1d afternoon and raining, so bf513bfe1a the streets were mostly efcd2c8bd8 empty.c42e6786ca1c00ef

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Listening to the sound cc1be873de of Korean being spoken 6df8551cf8 here and there, I 80126ab38c entered the convenience store. I gave a small smile 12fd32b52e in response to the clerk’s 9b74f15069 greeting of “Welcome,” and began 655fdf4a1e gathering the items I needed.0456a5ec69e4d893

I bought a lunchbox, 5e7a52c428 a few bottles of 1a5aa5141a water, and two bags ebe843c0f2 of jelly. The crinkly sound of the 1d327859bb plastic in my hands made 666cbaa581 me hum softly as I 18c9f08dc1 walked.6b0d3bc1ae268b00

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With no other errands 5780a1889d to run, I headed 3407b451ed straight home. As I stepped e2cbd3cd66 off the elevator b067e83593 and approached my 160bc01873 front door, the 46d5b2bb2a door of the 516ae42201 unit next to ec35237a6b mine suddenly swung da3790104b open.c22163c336ee9e66

Back in high c310e53c90 school, I hadn’t 7729ad7b17 had any neighbors, 60fc96a901 so I felt 4a2d7cb431 a bit curious. I glanced over and 44da9e3948 recognized the coat I’d c4f68a44a3 seen earlier when I 97e6d9a699 left the house, letting b7043da4ea out a small sound 89c99d8877 of surprise.6e5c413aa5ab3ca0

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So it’s that person, I ec5e952b86 thought, as I began pressing 51ba0ea270 my passcode into the keypad. But something felt strange—the person d220925aa1 next door didn’t move at e0f5e3c2b2 all, almost unnaturally still. Wondering if something 8481f022f5 was wrong, I e3ddc827a1 lifted my head.6202cd247b7d6d5f

And that’s when I locked 772e7456ec eyes with the man, who a581998fa0 still hadn’t changed out of 7d8763732b his soaked clothes.45dc41b25582a208

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His hair, pushed 7d711e64f6 back carelessly, was b88118258c dripping wet from 2e43275b8d the rain. It was a fb45286f66 light brown color, ad60bda0c4 darkened by the 0f4611ae17 moisture, suggesting his 49eee66523 natural shade was fdfb8b2294 more of a d5aa28a45e soft, sandy brown.e82c40b306d78a50

Raindrops trickled down from his baeda27933 hair, slid along his cheek, 1bac7bc1c4 and pooled at his chin. One drop, having bda1298948 gathered there, finally 92b09ea7c1 fell. It looked so much like 3f2be0deff he was crying that my bb8595bbce hand instinctively twitched. I almost reached out to 6996e47cf5 wipe the water from a 977f4afaa9 complete stranger’s face.d1e3eaf386c96377

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Within eyes scrunched like he 9113466a29 was holding back pain, a 98ac2512a0 pair of soft hazel irises ec342a6ca2 glistened with water.1fac4c3a32be3145

I knew I shouldn’t be 3bbced2d0c thinking this about someone I 1de8a62f0b didn’t even know, but—I couldn’t 18b5fff45d stop myself from thinking he 966794d8d7 looked like Eun.9a869df19369e83e

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There was no reason 1e88281f64 Eun would be coming 8d304d834b out of the apartment 8da9f8dadc next to mine. And even less 37ea4bb758 reason for him 17e118d4a0 to be standing e8c37d5cf9 here looking at 7076e1ee51 me like this. I knew that, but some 910a6b6974 strange feeling gripped me, and c6f467160f I forgot that it was 1fddfed6f2 rude to stare. I couldn’t look away.1865f26870fbb901

Then, just as if waking d90d0c3f34 from a trance, the man—who’d 2ea22b7d39 said nothing this entire time—slowly 5a28d5dd60 parted his lips. His voice, low and f751074a3c trembling, slipped out from bc91d2a7fa lips bitten pale.b88d38b28d7abad0

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“Un-ah.”b1718799f35433d1

My eyes widened in shock. He added quickly, with a 01b9addb5c nervous expression, as if forcing d7f9273574 himself to smile.19a516728daea896

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“Hey… did you forget me?”2444fbc6be4da31f

“…Eun?”ea28ad31bc884cc0

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When I muttered 0ec9d10c05 in disbelief, the 05f8234a0f man—Eun—broke into a 6b8b50db0c bright smile. His face, a 3ac95f988d mess as if 2353c6df88 he might cry 65df51fc65 any second, was fe59680f0d suddenly painted over 9e0a04bca8 with a radiant 0359c95ab3 white smile.d21c63e15e1390c3

That familiar smile lingered 469a82dbe9 in the corners of 1feba149b2 his eyes, now tinged fef92d25bb red.f482e175f62e23c8

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I just blinked, unable to bb4cda8d98 understand why he was here, 9e10ff005e and as I stood there bab28c0314 in confusion, the smile on 54b45c421f his face slowly faded. What replaced it was a 789fe6bb70 strange unease.2867e19458adec82

Looking at me with bd8dc18e22 a face that revealed 788a22d218 every ounce of anxiety, 3841a109e6 Eun carefully reached out 492c67fb4d and grasped my wrist. I frowned slightly at 54a8110881 the coldness of his afe3ad123f touch, and he flinched 79dd72ebc1 at my reaction.ed1a987e45e9adce

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Watching him silently, 712553c257 I took his 66a50dbf22 hand and led a38b097a51 him inside through 4432d79dfe the still-open front a25011d9e8 door.7da2fc42af2a3cfa

“Can I… come into your house too?”8ca606f64026cd0f

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“Why wouldn’t you be able to?”f54b26f11918ee90

I tried to keep my 52023ec783 tone as calm as possible, d023fe182f masking the tension, as I 4446269b29 closed the front door. I set the plastic 7ec268c797 bags down at the dad0c791a7 entrance and propped the bf018b60ce umbrella up casually to b1bba575a8 the side.a94be4d85fd11201

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“Take off your coat and wait here for a bit—I’ll get a towel.”15372e21bdfbe620

At my composed words, 39aa5bc483 Eun nodded obediently. I gently wiped away 34b9a4bede the droplet that had a3c3f0bb7f gathered at his chin 4852be6a02 with the back of 6df8ca4e3d my hand, then went 0e0f7b5c09 into the house.f5c44444d0da8f54

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When I returned 5bc6b510ae with the towels, 190b8a760a he was standing 511db576d0 exactly where I’d 0905a03393 left him, not 615374fd23 having moved an 5fcb8e45c9 inch. He was so still that 3881954434 the motion-sensor light in the f1f0cef902 entryway had turned off.bd3a3298c1849704

As I approached, he slowly 017126538d lifted his head to look 8c2296ef17 at me. Meeting his gaze, I ac8f5efee0 smiled faintly, my lips 60349fa308 twitching with tension as 429bfab5c6 our eyes locked.8aeba602783d7158

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I carefully placed one 2438900d74 towel over his head 481561c26e and used the other 6f23b88f50 to wipe the water 1ba9891bde from his face.dd446546954fadd8

Eun said nothing, just gazed 5f6877be52 at me with a clear, 591c31c099 unclouded look. His face was pale f83aab8e80 from the cold rain, 0c76575310 while his eyes were 0c9bdc3de8 flushed with warmth—an odd f057d4f6df contrast that, somehow, I 22ee4f6528 couldn’t look away from.95a54c523d7a9d9c

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He was a little 766d22343d taller than me, so 54665c278a I had to reach b70b913601 and fumble for a 2da8950fae while to dry his 4d6fa57c2f hair. Only then did I 91d3155900 finally guide him into dc21721e68 the house.0dd85f701005d24e

I told him e1172bb44e to make himself 381309928f comfortable and hung 71e3b30cea the wet towels 8937e4abd9 over the laundry 2972f1f6a6 basket before coming 01f186614f back.97f1daa9850c2ecd

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But instead of sitting, 75fda1cb25 Eun just stood quietly f9fb0c128c in the hallway.1a713d9d49b1c7c9

“Why are you just standing there and not sitting?”f9319ccb846d0d66

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Startled, I asked. He had been 1b57edf397 staring at the 10b46ef214 floor, but now 5e1c076e28 he looked up 5aa33c12c5 at me.1e331fb5afb804bf

“I didn’t want to get your furniture wet.”794918dfc432379f

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His voice was 621c63913b softer, lower than c4326a8b35 I remembered it e5748e6067 in my memories. Caught off guard by the 39eb4e1f76 awkward atmosphere, I scratched at c59c0e8799 my neck and reached for 8104346536 his hand.7d3e6eb9de71a6d5

“It’s fine. The kitchen chairs can get 387e988422 wet. Just sit.”e2ce50766438d00d

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“Okay.”5d798bf9739b86bc

Eun answered gently and 0759424638 sat down exactly as 9cdacaca21 I asked.390206b97ce3eae5

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I touched his 60cef5eb74 cheek with the e2691d7d6f back of my 03bb22023e hand—it was still f32a855f65 cold. I clicked my 7cd5e61b8d tongue softly and dcb27ccf42 sat across from 1cc454cfc4 him.9669203ed144b0a4

Now that we were 79c538279e here like this, I 8ae3484729 had no idea what 85cb372762 to say. I leaned my arms on 91115389f5 the table, rubbed my forehead, 149fb210ab and after a moment of 0948cffaad silence, asked carefully:91658fda1659a79f

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“So, you live… next door now?”356bbc0d994a069a

“…Ah. No, not really. That place… I just go 918c944c29 there sometimes when I miss ac553ad418 you. I don’t actually live there. And…”d50e28d4f044553e

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It didn’t take long 9dbe8e152c for his once-steady voice 1fa6e15311 to start breaking.37dfe894a8f739bb

“After you suddenly disappeared, I looked into it… and I found out the apartment was still under your name. You hadn’t sold it. So I thought—maybe, if dde8d88668 you ever came back a7ad70cfa7 to Korea, you’d return 98fab97d58 to this place… I 2f077bc2a1 missed you, Un…”41ccb559c35e5341

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Watching him cry f2bdcfa1c5 so quietly, so 89648a1216 calmly, I stood e614295f69 up in surprise.1df0cbc508c48a46

I instinctively walked toward 6daf35df7f him, but it’s not 9ddfbdbea4 like I could just b0de89ddb5 throw my arms around c9893e027d a friend I hadn’t e9064dc0fe seen in years and 6c4162d206 tell him it was da8e2dbe01 okay.16ab3ecb51adb812

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I didn’t know 2a7fe6c958 what to do, 6f7343f858 stood there hesitating. Then Eun looked 2e7867efe3 up at me 1accf4b79c with tear-soaked eyes, 3c6299fc26 his delicate face 06aa201f69 slowly crumpling.03fa6b3c207fddde

“Do you… not like me anymore?”e2372a7c718381d9

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“W-what? No! I was just worried you 8d0a4f642a might feel uncomfortable…”4a906339b3808666

“How could that be? Is it because I’m not efebe5008b pretty? Is that why… you didn’t b29c7622b2 want to comfort me even e62cf0e978 when I cried?”323350147126d7d3

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His unexpected words 88ced1d21e left me stunned 189cf01ad0 for a second. Then I cried 556e53f0e0 out, of course 63ad5ddd3b not! and pulled Eun into 2decf5ae5d a tight hug. His cold body 257d7b96ee flinched slightly, startled ed651ad57c by the sudden 4715325a4e embrace.15e17b15eb345be6

I gently rubbed his d3e3c556e9 back, letting him know ffdecd7c31 it was okay, and e7906f56cf rested my head on b963d46bb5 his damp shirt.4356a53e610492ee

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“I missed you both so much… What are you even saying? I didn’t recognize you at c79d78979f first because I thought this cb111b3c30 was a dream. Because there’s no 07d2d406c9 reason you’d be 7668506224 here…”ea428e3c13ac45eb

As I murmured like be0aaf8e0e calming a child, I 7f088e5cd4 could feel Eun’s heart 862bdb6020 pounding rapidly. Even as I felt the eb71939e69 dampness from his soaked clothes 09b7ba4a00 seep into mine, I stayed 123245b05c like that, holding him close 343cc3fa4e for a long time.0f83a460fd9bb17d

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After staying in my 99a53356b2 arms without moving for 1bf22fe6b0 a while, Eun explained c24d934d47 that he had no b1742940d4 clothes with him and ac6f8e7f35 ended up changing into e50bb4fc04 mine. When he came a6b7901cdf out to the f7c5abf2be living room, freshly cfa3ef2955 showered and wearing b7eff629dc my clothes, I c5f7bff493 noticed his hands—still 72064225c9 covered in the af3331f623 same small scars c12f2664ce from years ago.f3a4190e7eb4eb34

Most of them were already a271778a11 healed, but seeing them again aaa8660393 unsettled me. I got up from the c3745616f0 couch and fetched a box fe5f860714 of first-aid supplies, taking out b8eead7bed some ointment and a bunch cfac033ac0 of band-aids.6223f4509964c020

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When I returned to 58f442da9f the living room, Eun 1bcbd993cf had left the spot 8d73426b54 where I’d been sitting 9b5878e2ba and sat beside it e21e59a3d0 instead. I sat in my 8c685bb492 usual place and laid aed1f84d3b the band-aids across my 16cf9b7a35 thigh.6d8f4103c1f9ae7d

“Did you get hurt?”3a222b92f4df63b3

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“No? I just… wanted to db80112e69 put some on your 96c80cb99a fingers.”a763894ce103c918

“They’re already healed…”edd80073daeec99b

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Eun mumbled in a soft, 86560f8f08 hazy voice, like he was cecd340db3 in a trance. Wondering if he e80ce222c8 was reluctant, I cfa441d0ee paused mid-motion and 5c26e8ed0d looked up—only to 772ad71644 find him smiling 551ff9fafe so sweetly it ed6c1ad5e9 looked like he d8e17c49e2 might melt.1a652cdf9d68040f

I lightly tapped his clear 79aa8850ad cheek with the back of b780c1821f my hand and gently took 075d6d6177 his hand, treating each finger c14e32ce81 with care. I applied ointment, then bandaged 281ee4dca0 the spots. The red marks 5cec14f6b0 were soon covered 6158cbf338 with colorful character 7c32cf06c5 band-aids.850c6f5f6b938065

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He didn’t complain, but… 8e38d49862 I wondered if he’d 9b4bcee860 think they were childish ab1d67ae45 now that he was bf9ef71d87 older. I glanced over b8f7621c35 cautiously, but thankfully, f3ddf195c9 there was no 07675c48a2 sign of annoyance f15d8bf09e on his face.3c8e6f8c5f5eb7db

His pale cheeks were 27d00799a6 faintly flushed as he 74594735b3 wiggled his bandaged fingers. I stood up, returned a1fd3c524e the ointment to its c62d289985 place, threw out the c9c55f90c4 trash, and came back 935998c855 to the sofa.62b741558316a9e2

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We sat side 1966b00b6e by side in ae155fd576 silence for a 3de9348380 while. Then, out of nowhere, Eun d0886a37ac spoke up.50f97419d5f58436

“Can I tell Hee-jun you’re back?”1a83734f1e281a3f

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“You two close now?”10cebe8e81948921

“No. But… I thought he 6273e21036 should know you’re here.”3417aa2963635573

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He shook his head like 07f2a80a76 it was the most obvious 2ee3c8bc22 thing in the world, and 7ead1a0493 I smiled, thinking yeah, that f1ff18eec3 tracks. But his next words unsettled 8c87ab1f67 me a little. I tapped my 5c163ee372 cheek with my 7c49e85d18 fingers, thinking it fb1d5901b6 over, then gave 5cbeb3d0c0 a small nod.a0c5adcb0640702a

As soon as 6aa233d127 I answered, Eun d4914d68f3 began typing out 699ffd78fc a message. I quietly leaned my head 4aa7b2204a against his shoulder, watching him.0d67f493bfa8cd0e

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He jolted. So violently I actually f11eba9176 startled and lifted my f05ea929ee head.a128706edddef92e

He was covering d6f223f6f5 his face with a3ae7464e8 the hand holding fbe67cbf62 his phone. Through the gaps in his c07f6d5a0d fingers, I could see his 60c5689b05 face had turned completely red. I wasn’t sure if 4821865af8 he was embarrassed by ce3c85d1fe his own reaction or 22a772c8e6 flustered by mine.be8c8d03237a2e80

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I blinked in fea5dcd7b7 confusion and asked 33c89f4f1f gently:e3b0ecd3177f9a69

“Does it… make you uncomfortable?”a652e40a777628a4

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“No. Not at all. Just…”364c6ab09baa4626

“Just?”341a0260e9040b64

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“It’s been so long since anything like this happened. I guess it f15af87a57 surprised me a 75ae154619 bit.”3f108907549548d8

He answered in a 609cadb1a1 trembling voice, insisting he f03157842d was okay, and told 4923e4e109 me to go ahead 5a71464015 and lean on his 1a94170cd5 shoulder. Though still a little suspicious, a65dffcd23 I did as he said a0408a18bd and rested my head against 49ffb6cf22 him again.15112c9a2eaa7f6f

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Even though he was 238bd129a0 the one who suggested 338b8762d3 it, Eun froze as 59d2474882 soon as I leaned c8f0f869ac on him. I ignored it, e7dd543235 and before long, 76c6c2ca2a he started to 045f847920 relax—he fiddled with 4b69cfdcb8 my hair and db462555bd gently ran his 0e2dfec76a fingers over my e2777c8a3f hand. I quietly let him hold 897730616d it.faa025b83c0365b3

When he had touched 99c6550603 all ten of my 9fe4d44383 fingers and then gave 5472965e80 a slightly disappointed look, ebebc5b3cd I couldn’t help but 72e0c2c3cb feel a bit confused.5f66eda5b1ed67a5

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Was there something about my c7cbac31b2 hands that made him sad? I looked down, trying to 4493354da0 figure it out, but nothing 48b9fae013 obvious came to mind.001d5789369081d7

He stared at 46b6ede9b6 my fingers for 4be5ceaf6c a moment, then f9f63c3b05 suddenly seemed to e6a510b2f4 remember something and e3e155dfd8 opened his mouth bbefd04eef hesitantly.a441736a2c3eea0d

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“So, um… I mean… Have you… been doing okay?”75007bb4f1326775

When I finally c51574cace asked the question 7b06d5bb28 after hesitating for 52cd743c90 a while, Eun b323a61720 didn’t answer right 60efac624f away. His gaze still lingered on 84f8304a30 my profile, so he didn’t f6654d4a9c seem angry. I couldn’t figure out what 5877e90ba2 it was, so I turned c75da00b21 my head to see for 206b067956 myself.4421c1b9aabaa1d0

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He met my eyes 2d2459f4c6 calmly, almost like he’d 489524dfdb known I would look, 8cb28f5f33 and answered brightly.8a2f2ecf331e2f94

“No, I haven’t been doing well.”f39ef44924273ee3

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That was not the answer f5177dce6d I expected. I found myself fe2e3ba451 unconsciously parting my 4b61084f1d lips in surprise. Watching me like that, he ec98da93a7 curved his lips into a f120370dda soft smile and gently asked 8839c7649f how I had been.c38a92e849412311

Caught off guard, I replied aabd07d254 vaguely that I’d been doing f9d4141521 okay, and Eun murmured with a37e50ee91 real regret, “I wish you e8eccc15d2 had been doing well.”15c16eaacb781b00

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The way he e9c0577414 brushed off his 11c230bcb8 own answer so d6287a551f casually, like it cedd6f3f7b had never happened, a51a864c25 made me stop b4089548f6 him and ask 4c9d67e1c2 again.61fe34f8ed511890

“Why weren’t you doing well?”4855b1bca553f77c

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“How could I be? My friend disappeared a7af02a2f4 without a word 0235d312da and didn’t contact 6fc0042f00 me for years. How could I be okay?”0f019a3cf25c8739

“At least, I couldn’t be,” he whispered, still in that kind voice, with a fragile smile.18b030db0d2b3c53

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It was the kind ac3edf1ba6 of smile that looked 57a1e558f5 like it might shatter 7204538fde into pieces at any 9435c58dd9 moment. Beneath his naturally fallen d6ec738901 bangs, his hazel eyes 9dacc67311 held a faint, dim 0e79b510b7 light.3423285493c2f40b

That was the 9d08f283ef last thing he d86ba820de said for a 003d28149e while.cfc20553494db2a7

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No one raised their 4f3433de39 voice, no one got f6f58ff43d annoyed, yet the atmosphere 22345f159c had become strangely heavy.2db3384973203bbd

As I shifted awkwardly and 6d8b09d7fc rolled my eyes around, Eun 1745bfcac3 checked his phone and let e5a3f5b003 out a small sigh.7f6f7fe61ea5621b

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I leaned over slightly, wondering c62a6bb457 if something had happened. After a moment 16267418c9 of hesitation, he 9947580cf2 tapped his phone 9e2121938d and finally spoke.05b753113c719761

“Ha-jung said he wants to meet you today… now that he knows you’re back.”a7b8e35629bd78ec

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“Today? Wait—how did Ha-jung 0ace945a43 even find out?”3cf79457a6e3bd91

“I was just on the phone with Hee-jun a little while ago. He said Ha-jung figured 891889c2ee it out right away e3ac871b24 just from the tone 41e109b506 of his voice.”3e5b59050e121232

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I couldn’t tell c1eadf46d4 if it was b3e5776146 because Ha-jung was 234223f44c just that sharp, 5d9ec840cc or if Hee-jun b72d636c36 was terrible at f505923535 hiding things.cb603b65ec836c74

Looking at Eun—who’d 2342a0918f grown much taller 534a6064aa than I remembered—I 838e156f5d started to feel 6604cdcc0b curious about the 3a86bb6521 others too. Seeing him made me 58c921e9e6 wonder how cool the 4feb688b64 rest had turned out. The problem was… c87b85749d if I showed 4ec086831b up today, I’d 15d9d9b24d probably be swarmed 57be3221f6 and teased for fc2134b805 hours.d03dfa37650088c6

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But I couldn’t really 59e945e523 use that as an 37f9004b66 excuse to avoid seeing 635c11e3ff them. I wanted to see them. More than anything, I wanted 33b2fbf697 to confirm that they were 09170046f8 truly living well.8712b454869406ae

Even though Eun had grown daccfa4a08 up, seeing how thin he’d 37fd578c64 gotten made me worry. So the anticipation and concern e6cce2386b both stirred together in my b64353e900 chest. I figured I’d go 630b69b2fb see them first and 6a8bd5e514 decide what to do 2bd1872bfd afterward. If they seemed uncomfortable with ecdd141b8a me or told me they 7889453eeb were disappointed and wanted to 7c6438d110 cut ties, I’d accept it ebad8e9b06 quietly. But if—graciously—they accepted me 2b37787048 back, then I’d go 2e92a0f91d back to supporting them 8fff785021 wholeheartedly, just like I 515f3877ac used to.79de8a77025415e7

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Maybe because my social circle ff5bdeb2fc had been so small in 5331637c50 my past life, even at d16665ef56 this age, relationships with friends fda3c3efbd still felt overwhelmingly difficult. But pretending not to care 61aadb07a3 wasn’t an option. These kids were too important.7ea83819ccfe0b9a

As I was making that ebf59a2c18 silent vow to myself, Eun 83cf4a8c56 suddenly held his phone out 247bb1436e to me. I looked down 13246c72e9 at his pale 7a6733617d hand, still marked 4153d2eb82 with familiar character 69424b76ce band-aids, and he a7f9f76704 said:b38d9fa13d4c3415

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“Ha-jung said he has something he wants to say to you.”b0f4ab84caacbc03

Something to say? I took the phone f243881056 from Eun, puzzled, and 3384fe1edc followed his finger to efd5426341 where I should start 067f547ee7 reading. As I read the message, 4eecba60f3 I couldn’t help but laugh—and 81f47e851d all I could do was 0a1934d346 agree to meet.8d5d8100bdd4f69f

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“knowing you, babe I figured you’d be worrying like crazy again, so I’m telling you ahead of time—we’re not gonna ask you anything or get mad. Just come. It’s because we miss you.”dca15a70f25f1ccf

Still sharp-tongued, but… somehow 36a7f81c92 still cute. I tapped out 581951d93b a reply and 8c652bd91c turned my head—only 02357e745b to be startled 0f81feef6a by Eun, who b6031a0a1d had leaned in a571d1ab56 so close that fdba50f46b our lips nearly 9978b64a93 touched.9fdd3015e73e7e10

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My eyes widened in 8b9987fd60 shock, but Eun, unlike 8c2615b11f me, just stared at c23d986e87 me blankly, then lowered 7b21c7ec34 his gaze. He tilted his body slightly 358b3c65cf toward my phone, murmuring softly:cdb6cb27062623b2

“…He called you ‘babe’ again.”748d86e151c591fa

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“Huh? Oh—‘babe.’ Yeah, well… I guess a557e05d1c it just slipped out since a775267bf7 it’s been a while.”3dd9df0dfce38cf5

I shrugged, trying to brush 07805818a8 it off, but Eun responded 820277f087 with something more cryptic:e10803cd553e34fd

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“You promised not to use that anymore.”aa646bc46f6b5859

I tilted my ddd0118d9b head, confused, but d1ace7cc4e he just shook b53d99ab59 his head like 39298f70b0 it was nothing 81459c17bf and stood up.2c26287a9f030bea

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“I’d love to stay longer, but you need to rest. I’ll head out for now. Oh—and we’re meeting for dinner. I’ll text you the 19df4ea926 restaurant location. Your number is still…?”ed3643a6f0229756

“Same as before.”ec3f3d033206e4db

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“…Okay.”4ccdbff9ad4a27f7

When I returned 2b5dfa35cf to Korea, I 05d1cdfcac reactivated the number 43f4e252de I had suspended. I’d worried about it, e5282c031f since it was the 19d2392a5f one the kids knew, e381fce348 but now I was 9634a758d7 glad I’d chosen to 75701a32b1 keep it.77f6c4dd89179ac8

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I handed the 73e76dfa06 phone back to f4a8284210 Eun, who nodded 47412270c3 with his light cd7e7248b9 brown hair fluttering 824071027b slightly. As he slipped the phone 2dc0648901 into his pocket, he gave 088ef912d9 a faint smile.d65d7b85b2ba1ec6

“Is it okay if I return the clothes later, at the restaurant?”ce1efd049218a8ed

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“Yeah. Do you want 1533d5d075 a jacket too? Won’t you be cold?”11d0f537bd54a78f

“I’m fine.”c2f55d38a2f83116

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He answered calmly, and we 37b46085ba walked side by side to eb32a3de78 the front door. I carefully grabbed 6d4649aba8 the umbrella leaning 9a5acb4cad beside the shoe d90b4da6a6 cabinet, making sure 838bcc01e4 not to get 0871ed1eb1 in his way b4e954ed38 as he put 1fc7f8a891 his shoes on.21632ce64da8b0d3

“Hand.”c18346b921d53d83

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When I playfully held out f7ab826893 my palm, Eun let out dfae94b96b a soft laugh and placed 48a381d8d8 his hand in mine. I gently flipped cc2f3d3246 it over and 33640b5ade placed the umbrella d4d7de2c6c in his grasp.fdee1d7407678496

“Don’t get caught in the rain. Get home safe.”076e6ef2756b8810

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“Okay.”c23ba664cb94b56e

His face as he e8c3920e06 answered so calmly was 980034b878 clear and untroubled.57a063b990aae3a3

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The fatigue and weariness fef64920b4 he’d shown earlier when 30fc8ace4e he said he hadn’t 2d7c2ada87 been doing well were 96c9823398 completely gone. But I still 45f326523f looked over his 64b857ded6 face slowly, as e4b8029428 if those traces 5473459a5f must still be 0305b3b8ae there somewhere, and c8857f2327 then reached into e7fa8c6d0e my shirt.6b26181585ad58e0

Eun’s eyes widened 5ce4bcfad1 like a startled 7b89afe15f rabbit at the 23a02077ca sudden gesture. For a moment, he fa53cd09a1 looked like the boy 6f12e7df3f I used to know.953aa8f9e08579ff

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Smiling faintly at the familiar e6aedafe51 expression, I pulled out the 64df3ab418 necklace I’d tucked beneath my 1d33cd0627 clothes, a habit by now.dac84214e1f69af8

That’s when I realized—just 830caeef58 moments ago, when Eun c8db5d6cf0 had looked a bit 9552ba0b0b disappointed while touching my 508c345cca fingers, this was why. His puzzled expression 81c801cda5 turned blank the 5fd0554473 moment he saw 95e135e3d7 the ring hanging c69980972a from the chain.4aa746278f744a07

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It was the 3d9f1245ff ring Eun had ff57195e9e gifted me on b05a4adf25 his graduation day, c04b0cbcf4 tucked into an 9242be0975 envelope. I’d worn it all the 925137b178 time, but two years ago 0758456c70 it had become too small ea69f4d4ca for my finger, so I c5ca62df61 started wearing it on a 4681ca69a1 chain around my neck instead.facec0d3984549cb

His eyes, wide and awestruck 984ece4a65 like someone witnessing a miracle, 3eb0f034f5 shifted back and forth between 0faaf02cae the ring and my face.1bb2b56a71846356

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Seeing that, I couldn’t help 457d7951e3 but feel a bit proud. I swung the necklace 177fb20a55 gently, like I was ba72ae194a showing it off, then 3601d4f807 gave a bashful smile.fd35f0c65eb0adf1

“Earlier, when you were playing with my fingers and looked a little down—I think it was because of this.”301f7fb656a06e57

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“…I thought you’d forgotten about it, or thrown it away since you weren’t wearing it.”f3c050de2a692721

“No way. Two years ago, it fecdf9fc2a stopped fitting, so I’ve 453b8bc3f8 kept it on this f2aa854231 chain ever since. I never missed a day 9d8a5d3fcd wearing it, so I didn’t 04b6673ac6 realize right away why you 94c8a03d4f were upset.”875522198eaffd3b

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Even as I tried to 0e7ad5a295 soothe him, Eun didn’t say adf7595e95 anything. His nose had b57c10794a turned red like 3cecff6fbe he might start 37172c6f4f crying, and he 44ae1e8ab2 gave an awkward 746057797a smile before I 650dbc71da gently pulled him 8a9310cf2a into a hug.4e910f40e82f4c63

“I told you. I missed you so much. I’m sorry for disappearing 230fb01a51 so suddenly, and for cdb5688fb5 not contacting you all a99ccc4b65 this time… I won’t 1865956521 do that again. Really. I missed you. So much. I’m sorry.”69a37d62451b7b43

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As I mumbled 05b35555d2 the last “I’m dc28efefa9 sorry,” Eun just 8aeca05c5d stared at me—and 5ca292a78c then burst out 4875011409 laughing and hugged f0e4c81318 me back.724621ce1aaa25ef

“It’s okay. You’re here now… 4b6e1b0d7e and nothing bad 8aef02698d happened, so it’s 9e12ef9b93 fine.”2d7b79372b50336c

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He whispered sleepily, like someone 09c28c1fb3 wandering in a dream, his 4cec8e641d voice soft and affectionate as 8350fe53e1 he nuzzled his face into 4d4f790ec0 the nape of my neck.f429877b3b3f2f67

His breath tickled my 619e978be6 skin, and I flinched f7138c9934 instinctively—but I didn’t push 7b845d6462 him away. Maybe he liked that b0b8ee2d02 reaction, because Eun chuckled 604e08de7b softly and lightly bumped 7a891ad8b5 his head against my 3b74b13958 shoulder.42d2a26d7475be09

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“See you later,”96fa8b9e5f3da484

he whispered gently, and 5baff38128 I nodded in response.c610e4007586737a

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After Eun disappeared 192cdcfbbd down the hall, a6ea81f08e all that lingered 3832919670 was the scent ae45f8e089 of my shampoo 9dc4503f94 and his own 270bf01e92 familiar scent.e85e720842bb8d89