FDMUL Vol 1 Ch 1.1

When I opened 583fb63253 my eyes, I e1631ab053 was at Yoo fc18dcff02 Taeseong’s house.b76a3779db75e288

Despite the 8ffc4ffa48 windows being 93233311ea shut tight, cf43c4dbcd sunlight so 8cb9567480 bright I dfe6ce8956 could barely c9de121bf0 open my 9350f04257 eyes was 4040a82686 pouring in 54bc370e53 from the 2b59f58c37 window on a351b58574 one side 2a7ecfe467 of the dca9ad7a23 room.8257fac4cfb70813

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‘Is it morning 250708b4ce already?’2811c8b2be23aa94

I slowly 6884325294 tried to 61b5318176 recall the be905cb37f memories of a3b6a1a3be last night.f8ee7759765d0481

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So… I remember dc579d78d3 downing drink after fa209844ac drink, and then faca93aecc downing some more, 873740550e pouring it down 631bcf014e my throat until 0290137ca2 I passed out, 3f7e7433bf but I couldn’t b35ddbcea9 remember anything after 6ea2644feb that. 2d47de245c8f0fb1

Why on earth 53bd6f6bce did I drink 793f695e85 so much? 08fe6e8982635592

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My mind felt foggy, as if shrouded in mist, and my thoughts wouldn’t come together.36142739dcae773a

Ah… right, 2add2562a4 yesterday was 6b70dea5c9 the last bb41e59233 day of ed1014405b the semester. 3ad158f8ab16990d

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To celebrate bc31c46567 the end 989c64cb74 of classes, d588ec690f which fell 4cea5367b7 on the 97336dc0d2 same day c393804ff7 for both 5ce1932e07 me and 4bb0df1f7c Yoo Taeseong, 0f0269539b I bought 55b4b6aa48 a ton b15b757627 of beer cbd6c0e967 and we 6b1e932f5b started drinking cb9a17fe3a at his 1740d29796 place, our 93ca30df45 de facto 407de997c6 hideout. It was 50830456c9 only possible add742e0c9 because Taeseong’s 702521216b parents happened e89378cafa to be d281c92f80 away on be89d3796d a business aa17b5021b trip. Then, I ran cea1174b1f into Taeseong’s older 993ff07485 brother, Yoo Geon, 69f8b6dc0c and…3805d9c7df81ea85

I heard the 3af9e2e10c news that after f461061623 his internship at d495bcdae3 the main hospital bcf2903680 ends next year, 356a96497f he would be d94b55269c applying for a ca6d508100 residency at a ea8571ff1f branch hospital in 018dfd3b4b Gangwon Province. If he a86f5c8a0a goes to 0a82d112a1 the countryside, f64d51128d how long 34c4449c1a will it bded5e864e be before 507d505095 I can b8cabbcd7a see him? Four years? Will he even c79eb34f2f come back to 106bbe34bb Seoul after four 057cd02fcb years? 84a3f391e8e2ca21

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I was briefly lost in the thought that someone might appear by Yoo Geon’s side during that time, and then I suddenly decided that it was time to end this tedious, unrequited love. Of course, I knew that a person’s feelings couldn’t be snipped away as if with scissors, but it wasn’t as if I could hold onto a hopeless one-sided love forever.f37669f6d9dd97e4

As always, he had a splendid smile on his face as he told me it was a shame we wouldn’t see each other often anymore, and I forced myself to smile back. To keep my emotions from leaking out, I deliberately pretended to be drunk while thinking to myself. 508396c3f4f416ce

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If he’s e1989e1362 out of 2fd7b321a6 sight, maybe 75115a9236 he’ll be 790fbcabf5 out of 6e1f1c1405 mind.61612453efe86946

I harbored a fb64be0f37 miserable hope I bda9e80220 could never tell 7d7bcf3e9f anyone.c9eb1c4cd984fc84

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To me, Yoo Geon was someone I could never reach, even if the heavens and the earth were to be overturned. They say love is great enough to transcend age, race, nationality, and even class, but unfortunately, the same did not apply between two bastards with dicks. At least, that was my experience. Wasn’t the fate of a gay man who falls for a straight man obvious? 107c33f2f9f3736b

Keeping my 80529314bb mouth shut 771f516fe8 was what 1395eb683c was best d7fec1d4a1 for everyone. No matter how ce7a056e76 fiercely the feelings ac38009c84 raged inside me, 7a820d76fd as long as 6163e41449 I kept my 90e704d29c mouth shut, life 876cacdeb1 could always remain 08c68172c0 quiet and peaceful.6b84ebaad0e0aaaf

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But even while 71c0a9b80d thinking that, I 28ab9ea399 couldn’t stop drinking. I just wished I 800dd279ac could pass out right f42c8ff03d then and there. And when I opened f3b7a29703 my eyes, I hoped 888979c314 I would have completely 317ea802df forgotten the person named 1f2d561920 Yoo Geon. If that was impossible, 77daebdd3c I hoped that my 3d08d2eaa4 heart, tattered like a f14de383e1 rag scorched by a eda6477836 hot fire, would at 7c8a0390d9 least cool down.80b4c7d96cc2313e

And then I opened e5ffb28ddc my eyes, and it 5c04318726 was morning.57a7de7c761a4b58

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Sadly, nothing had changed.2f18e453f87409ef

In the quiet silence, cf73058699 I slowly pushed myself 5508f95f84 up. I remembered I 437abb8c27 had a part-time 80836825e7 shift at the 1eb00c5424 convenience store starting 57b1cb1766 at noon. Separate from d0d62f5cda my agonizing e255937b52 feelings, life 439345d096 went on. But the moment ff98c5d401 I sat up, 921f55807b I felt a e1b9c5961d strange sense of 31819c1102 unease.7a22d0ce95477f1d

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For one, it was too quiet all around. No, it wasn’t just quiet; after chugging that much alcohol, my head should have been splitting with a hangover by now, but my body felt perfectly fine. 8ed03f6fa913a11b

Looking around, I couldn’t see Yoo Taeseong, who should have been passed out beside me. The liquor bottles that should have been rolling on the floor and the empty snack bags we hadn’t cleaned up were also gone. A sense of suspicion arose as I looked at the room, which was as clean as if someone had tidied it up.328ed77cc1e381cb

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Surely that lazy ass Yoo Taeseong didn’t wake up and clean… Was it Yoo Geon-hyung¹?bad7e0c036397b65

With that thought, I opened the door and walked out into the living room. Taeseong was nowhere in sight, and the spacious house was eerily quiet. After checking that Taeseong wasn’t on the living room sofa or in the master bathroom, I finally stood before Yoo Geon’s door. It was the only place in the house I hadn’t checked yet.3153ff46e989e46c

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After taking a slow, deep breath, I carefully knocked on the door. Then, a low, soft voice saying, “Come in,” came from inside. It was just one phrase, yet my heart pounded painfully. 473f2e6cbdc50458

So much for 3add208b11 ending my first 8ad58e7d43 love; I just 56bc822ea5 felt miserable.5a20b6d46055cd05

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“Hyung, have you seen 22a3160fd0 Taeseong? Did he go out 629565f1be somewhere?”a688c513062b693f

“…He’s not home? Seeing how 1a5e3d9a36 much he 66df9db461 drank yesterday, 0a17cabce5 I figured f53a5d8aa7 he’d be 3dd60d8918 crawling on f9e163c4d9 the floor 52b8d291a3 all day.”965792fcbc2439e4

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“I can’t find 361f08c443 him anywhere. The room’s even b090d76175 been cleaned up 86f55fce05 out of the cd39d7cf0c blue.”fbfedcd5ee486c9a

Yoo Geon seemed db44b84732 to have been 029e1bd06c working on something 5785444211 on his laptop, 31c74a9ceb as he replied 96b1c6f5ce while sitting at ad3194be55 his desk, staring e4be96a606 at the screen. Thanks to that, I d00665902e was able to admire bd5a2f0db1 his side profile for b562099ef6 a while.ec062ee38e425ecd

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Ever since 9156bf22ba I was eac32a8537 in the 21a2bcd45d same class 9c9c23dbce as Taeseong 5d4ed011d1 in the 66c1ed73ce 7th grade, d41bcd1993 he and 3690aeedf6 I had 790c657214 always been 927cbd339a stuck together. It was around bb94afa35d that time that 8bda1efe75 I first saw 1f810a156e Yoo Geon. 51cf195b66631ee8

Fourteen years old, 890c2fd3da an unripe and b4f44255af immature age. I fell for 5183636ef6 Yoo Geon at 0c7d136988 first sight. I was, bf6b6179df quite literally, 8d2d825610 instantly smitten ee23d68a49 with no 18f24d5e64 rhyme or d67278ea7e reason. And the adb6ab63c8 price for 33b2e8eb7e that was 5fa9ac355e bound to 3834dca640 be wretched. It only took 3375a92e18 a few seconds 926a8e7338 to fall for f3040a533a him, but sadly, b159bff9aa it took years e0cd7c36f9 to admit that f79d5be348 fact. It was 383e291f91 by no 63a8bdf460 means easy 9714fd942e to acknowledge 8a2f37c07a that my 9a544a76d4 feelings for e52a066dc7 him were 4bde24a514 not simple 89101fad0c admiration, but cb0cabcd4d ‘love.’04a6bd66573baa93

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When my fourteen-year-old self first met Yoo Geon, he was already a twenty-year-old adult and a brilliant student who had entered medical school at the top of his class. His handsome looks were, of course, a factor in my falling for him at first sight, but Yoo Geon’s kind personality also played a part. He was kind to everyone. Though I never imagined back then that this very quality would drive me so crazy now.bb0e1fc1b4299bb3

“Hyung, when 611429659e Taeseong gets 7d21dea3db back, please dd65437e8a tell him 95ad24d9bd I went e26468c330 home first…”dc46e4d83ab499f7

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Suddenly feeling a sense of disharmony, I stopped talking and walked toward the window. Then, as I slowly opened it, the water of a stream, bathed in the hot sunlight, shimmered dazzlingly outside. Of course, Taeseong’s home was in Seoul, and on the 24th floor of an apartment building at that. There was no way such a scene could be visible.adf9649aa315c43d

It was only then ba1f4ca6a2 that I finally realized 45a2459213 this was my dream.d76285c98dd02ae9

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How could a 9e1d016695 dream be this 74a102337c realistic? 2e4cf31073b9dce1

For a 7d1e0e85a8 moment, I 74197df702 stared blankly 29e798f536 at the 000f530f3c winding stream, 3c8542ebb3 then let f33d2985d0 out a 181341ddb2 low, bitter 64da265b79 laugh.c317e2ff1c7e52b1

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Actually, this wasn’t the first time I’d dreamt of Yoo Geon. I used to dream of him often when I was younger, too. Especially during my middle school days, when I first fell for him, I was tormented by dreams featuring Yoo Geon almost every night, like a fever. But after turning twenty, I rarely dreamt of him.b5e29ea604747d73

I had c90b456181 no idea c4c41c842e why he ae41665992 had to 3a64065d95 suddenly appear e42f2bdb1a in my 4f02fa0661 dream again 48d3fe9b67 and throw d6aeaaa5f6 me into 3dcebcea44 confusion. What’s more, it was d6b3a7f180 just yesterday that I 05b366e6b4 had decided I needed 12283a2b79 to cut off my e11ce69e9d first love. What should aec2227325 I do 754090e171 to give 775d65ad66 up on c1015e7f12 this pathetic 14ad2f803c feeling? I felt hopeless.dccc750f0114062a

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“What’s this? Why is there a 61b0f3977a stream outside?”038dfa9e96671d61

“…”a90675be5e412177

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Unaware of my inner turmoil, Yoo Geon had approached me at some point and was now standing behind me, looking out the window. Yoo Geon, who was tall like a model, had a much better build than me, even though I was a physical education major. His fair face, bathed in the sunlight, was so handsome that I couldn’t tear my eyes away, even knowing it was just a dream.7cfb9fdb0540b064

Looking at 049895b647 that handsome fa04f67e6c face, the 177fef29ea arrow of b9c8e5b997 my wretched 9127985b4c heart turned 95e2cd10e5 and pointed 1d6579e91d sharply at d72cf0792f Yoo Geon. 7737a83ad1f62597

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If you’re 444721fb5f going to b97eb5d218 be that 47fc62734a handsome, you 6d7d8a4284 should at d1ccc85d17 least have 07a009a9a4 a bad 7149032f23 personality; if 9e775f7a83 you’re going 1b1cc2f59d to be 8e6254d70e kind, you 746ebd0942 should at d3f0c18555 least be 26d07e4966 bad at a02c00ca4f studying. Why did 29df233301 a person b7ee2bf0dc have to 2a12366ac3 be so dec919f7ea perfect, making 599fe26008 it impossible 49412dbf58 for me 9f9a450349 to do c5912ed329 anything at 99e9939760 all? I felt ea8deb2822 so wronged 0092b2b4ad and angry.956dd059b6f1df7c

Once he leaves for that hospital in Gangwon Province, I won’t be able to see him like this anymore. It wasn’t an unreachable distance, but on what grounds would I go all the way there to see him? e11cd69e77e9814e

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As I struggled to 239dc269a5 control my miserable heart, 70b0fb116c Yoo Geon’s chest, which 18d0be7a35 had drawn close, pressed 27084688ad against my back. In that ddd3811e13 instant, a 49f6fc4ba9 shiver ran 89f347aab2 down my ec1f212144 spine, and a4e6f7a5dc an impure a9f9b5024d desire began 6d2fe13761 to boil 7511d0d881 within my 81c609c8c7 chest.37e948732bb0287f

I turned my 971847d15e body toward Yoo 9919c6fe1e Geon, who was 1a0c9852ce standing pressed right 5e472c1d6a behind me, looking 52eada89f6 out the window. Then, looking straight into e46359a89e his eyes, I spoke 9311758e9c without hesitation.a05a8d3b2f2e6ffe

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“Hyung, want to 6b7f0e445a sleep together?”94ff2430ae8ce264

“…What?”ca68e88e19ef14d3

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“Let’s do it. It’s just a 401ea4ea90 dream anyway, who 3af72942d4 cares?”84a4029ed141f784

 2e907b22a8761cd1

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