DWWWB Ch 5

There were d91a1277e0 days when 8c2e2d9f5f I hated 32672b2d16 waking up 36ecfe66dc in the e97afbf5b1 morning. My cell phone, 77b2415296 which was sitting 85e8474b61 on the nightstand ebbd685a96 next to my e0dd6786ed bed, kept ringing. I thought it was a43a8f5e11 an alarm and tried 0a30208c32 to ignore it, but 506784b258 when it rang again 2c83ad0187 right after it stopped, fb43d5b2fe I realized someone might b46c2f9b62 be calling.1d9d7ddf49a775c3

I reached 6e380abf1c out and 84b539147f picked up 0aa026933a my phone. Should I just b3829c9305 throw it against 7827bb8508 the wall? I hesitated for a e1bbc6f190 moment before checking the 277459b5f6 caller ID.5d0514ab8596444d

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[Mother]

My mother’s feeble presence f0346bcabe seemed to wake me 381849a869 up and warn me af9411e36a to come to my 578b9350ca senses.afc7e8d5392cc182

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“Yes?”e482b7e014c0e3c3

I answered the call 2e84e47fcf with a curt greeting.26f1b08b799bd77a

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— Mujin, dfd88ec24d did I 271205e7b5 wake you a0cf03c704 up?fbdcc86192893011

There was bb35db892e a hint 0c0b7f287c of apology e40817e8bb in my 81975adcbf mother’s question. I don’t know 2a1795fd3c why she felt 3c88def11d so apologetic to bf836c3a13 her one and 807a1540d8 only son.7b74c83ef872bf58

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“I was just about 8a515c5f48 to wake up.”722ee9d732ac84f0

— Shouldn’t you head a0de631ff8 to class?2b964367f9482ef3

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“Okay.”1f719fa3688b3e30

There was a d3d4c5711c long silence on ef18c8592f the other end a8bee9da7f of the call, 30732275d1 perhaps hoping for 005fee1ad3 a longer reply.47211fe55922638b

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— Your father 5da4f2e31a asked when you e6fcb246cc were going to 486d7d1079 visit.518150938952b7c6

The sound of b68e0d5ba1 my mother saying d349e9344f the word ‘father’ 2fc9bade43 was so awkward. I’ve never e05ce7b354 called that 5909206040 man ‘father’ 1b98dadc62 before. I’m grateful 8784ab79f7 that he 9fc02df556 saved my 316c29d84f mother’s unfortunate e759c25e59 life, but 0e3337387c I wasn’t aa63a677b6 a part c5086aece2 of that df54cdaefa family. So calling him 9e33ece77d ‘father’ was strange.95061986c83e9ef1

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“Is something wrong?”1a8425d17dac1d61

— It’s your 5c43cd91e6 father’s birthday. He said he’d like f07542b49c to have the whole 190d583b24 family together for once. Can you come 443c3da25c by this weekend?c840e58aaac172d9

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I couldn’t breathe. Just thinking 02d69f533a about going 9383f715c6 down to b8849ba9ab that house 15317d9f82 and sitting bff3863dc7 down to 42238f7bac eat with 1b4a535484 my father 4421c7f9ac who wasn’t 2fa65d46cc my father, f827fb9045 his son, 84cf1a1515 and my feec0cfe70 half-sister made 8c218063b6 me feel fbf8fcc824 like I ecb93c2a2c was going 59dd813b03 to get 923666edb9 indigestion.50b59367b985b38b

“I have training.”7d2de12188ad8b89

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I answered 51c06c01a7 in a 2312b99486 voice that 56076224a5 held no 4b3d6a83aa emotion. Since my mother married 660a0cca1e another man, I had defa71c6f3 practiced suppressing my emotions. When I smiled, people d74545dd0a thought I was sad. When I c7e9041b43 cried, they 1746300167 looked at 928e9d34b3 me with e5465c7631 pity. When I fe24979ab1 got angry, 79fb0cabd4 they said 6541abbd9f my parents 57ece30e75 were the 7b6a2e98d3 cause of 75c26b7eca my twisted 827bd9f73c personality. When I was happy, 902b6d9981 they said I was 8519c03829 being immature.567121fef883e736

After the joys ba11b296db and sorrows were dd5c7af07d erased, people’s complaints 597eb6752c also quieted down.3a1e6ccb04ed0a8c

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— I see.90af48b1af797847

My mother’s voice sounded d51c09b6d8 slightly upset. It had been a 10edfb7e8b while since she’d gotten dc994682c2 married. My half-sister was fifteen, ee70413f5b so it had been 1dfe0c22ae over fifteen years, but e4e3d840e9 my mother sometimes acted 25266d11ab as if she were 8219621c90 trying to find her 9b45f9569d roots in me.187740df10a1d03f

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My mother divorced 1a90dc4620 my violent and 9f04d2b4c7 abusive father and 8a58e03443 raised me alone b689b9274f in her maternal 008f491090 home. My grandmother raised 0855f83d11 me while her f049a6cd29 daughter was at 781b3af14c work. My parents divorced 8093683217 when I was 5c6562e91b two, so it 4c5abc9e13 was no exaggeration aef1ad95a0 to say that 0e3c984ff0 my maternal grandmother d31e01decf was the one 9b981cd584 who raised me. I still carry traces 18f3e11626 of my deceased grandmother 34726eda49 in my heart.078b0d46b11873b0

My maternal cd79f86197 grandmother passed 19962e9552 away when 4cf6ab0336 I was a85871f7f2 in training af7fdec433 camp. My aunt told 6dd63fef87 me that before bb0848b934 she died, she 6db0453399 kept mumbling, ‘Mujin, 60140bbb79 my baby. My Mujin.’37c2b2ea4470dd63

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I referred 1482696d3a to my 7013b4918e mom as 48d079109b ‘mother’, but 9431330774 I called 149d46b93b my aunts 6dcafc9593 ‘auntie’. Especially my youngest bd0188eb11 aunt who was ea87b6dcd5 only twelve years f4b92ff6e2 older than me. She helped my struggling 67cd9192eb grandmother raise me together. I was closer to 90d05cc525 my aunts than my 3d5128a39b mother. And even my eldest 63e55ee32c aunt, whom I rarely 3168df7138 visited, became closer to af1afb8944 me after my grandmother’s 3981ef6988 passing.49caac6d0d354e69

— Can a24404ba60 you talk 7914408d35 to your cf4af76730 coach and 511b54e881 ask if 664ea08226 you can 2df949b20e come visit?d7e9d69b3c33196a

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There was a 4f5d5a6fbd faint plea in 28855c8b2c my mother’s voice. My mother afb42502d3 was still 7b81375487 a difficult e4a9940db4 presence in ad5beb522f my life. Maybe I was 846114bca3 resentful of my f6fc18841c mother who abandoned e42d5cc938 her young son a6f2f9f71f and married into 9b107e50a7 a family far 6bfb04ab35 away.de330ce4a773a1c2

“I’ll try and ask.”24b2da3e315e63e2

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— You must come, 434f329221 Mujin. Okay? I…5686e07d59bd2db3

My mother’s c53971a5fa voice trembled 01ee4ce4c4 as it 26f18f217f faded away.b9ec741a62bbc8d4

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— I miss you.1fd6a28411971af1

When I wanted to see you so badly, you never showed up. You were too busy taking care of a son who isn’t even related to you by blood… It’s cowardly to use your getting older as an excuse to say something so weak.b51ade5360057c19

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“Yes, me too.”429ee77802b1837f

I said words that aba76651de I didn’t mean. There was no way c4ed9a6b17 I’d miss someone whom 04d462381b I held no affection 0462cc6e15 for.9492f02c5fb86197

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— Okay, son. Have a nice 47ad67a31a day.7bc3549c6880feaa

It was a simple 9ec3396033 sentence that sounded like a980e85738 a textbook greeting. I wished my mother 8cc976e2ed a good day and 7ab5975595 ended the call. I was still so b0a5f7ab3a sleepy, so I had 3771ac442e to force myself to c10b3647b5 get up. I felt b4b7be794e disgusted as d656570e3a if I f1cd6c982a were covered f14509da46 in feces.80285993eb3e5908

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Ultimately, that weekend, f6e2947966 I ended up 9cd2f8a03d heading to the a2c2924def seaside city where 964599682b my mother lived. The scenery of 94b6c15d04 the sea and b9d19398d6 the strong country 4e8e5721a1 dialect was something 43bab9676e I could never 6c7bd29aee get used to be26fcad5d no matter how bc90b65224 many times I 987f9302f8 visited.3e8a6c5a55c7ebcf

“Mujin is here. Come quickly. Are you hungry? Mom made a b950231f76 lot of delicious ddd25fc230 food.”f828c162ab3c3d2b

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My mother baac9fbd5d deliberately spoke b621778bee in a 34d4573366 bright tone, 46f084a639 but she cd56264aa7 looked awkward 29c6dd62e4 like an 635d57e4ab actor with 2f3a75f2e8 poor acting 34d7757f90 skills in 1cfd4f8386 those dramatic 89c9bcca6c reenactment programs 38b16d5d2f on TV.f1ab2cbdeb00cbce

“Is Mujin here?”e3d922876c82fbee

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It was absurd 4081a8b376 that I had 7942748bc9 to call a 77e93c9850 man ‘Father’ even a27b6772b2 though I had 99c53aaed5 never slept under 23ec31a1d4 the same roof 8373ec039b as him.f0d955d891bbb504

“Yes. Have you been well?”98c9e61fe6d92fb7

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I gave a8ecf5c151 him a d2e45244b5 polite greeting. My impression cb93bba2ca of the 47d7fa16d3 man who f45cea9d75 was called 2799b047eb my ‘father’ 50f2b2a03c was that 60df1e2e92 he was 43749c08af rough. His eyebrows were jagged 7f415513a5 and pointed, and his 2e7f11fa70 eyes were sharp and 366354d1bf bulging. His square 19dfe2b448 jawline looked 85deef196e stubborn, and 91e4a4705e his thick, caa1dcc3cc dark lips 388a846fbc reminded me 4cb846310e of a 6183c16f4f toad. I felt suffocated. He didn’t have a bcdb0cf284 particularly handsome face.d0369059084cc31d

Compared to him, my 9979f5a6cf mother was still as 584153e69a pretty as a daffodil. I wondered if she d4d4949317 was eating properly. Her skinny figure made 69b8681955 me worry. Compared to this plump 543a5a992f man, my mother looked 9b9c24a9bf so frail. But the c5e54f8465 man never 7cf534130c even bothered af055ba4dd to pour 823f9284f0 a glass 4bc9507f7a of water beb95c5617 with his 02b9d95312 own hands.cd721ca6fbc2a833

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“You’re here?”e66d0414dc0e5b95

My legal older brother, a96e4fc9b0 who resembled Father, acknowledged 6f12180886 my arrival.1d37fdbd6de29306

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“Yes.”e6962b88b67cce2a

He was ten years 80ffa467ca older than me and 306d8d1622 worked in a small c25b4f7071 architectural office run by 602d911dd7 Father.b5c001ee69be9d27

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“Huh? Mujin-oppa came? Why didn’t you 2bc7c7d3fb call me, Mom?!”ddb6d94443fc5472

The person who greeted bcc2cd3a80 me with the most b5a705b399 honest face in this d57d7db674 house was my younger a48fffb7cd sister Jiwoo. Jiwoo looked like 902e533d25 a mixture of 84125954aa my daffodil-like mother 7a4d344771 and the bear-like d4c1a3eddd Father. Jiwoo grabbed 112589d929 my arm 769a72c0a5 and laughed.08f0b2a1e40b62f3

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“Does our 13cae1856c Jiwoo like d038cf716c Mujin-oppa the 062f8446b3 best?”b3afaaede0f08421

My mother asked with 2373c6f6a0 a rare bright smile f765b5e6ee on her face.9362dea0e96e6a2d

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“Yeah. I like Mujin-oppa aac112f2e5 the best. Because Mujin-oppa is the 69ba8bf5c8 most handsome.”6729f1288146ef3b

At Jiwoo’s 66d29491d0 words, Father 0b68eebe8d and Hyung’s 1845963107 eyebrows furrowed cf09466518 slightly. It came from a68a94ea89 their unpleasant inferiority df3d9f6d1b complex.65ce92b64ce709f8

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“Oppa, can 36f1910f42 you stay addaa153d8 here and 7d55b85fe1 leave on 02e450f248 Monday? I’m going 9acf1361af to ask ad1b3a50fb my friend 6b4a5e9734 to come dee71a2020 over, and cb69102d23 you can ea3fb947bf talk to 5d11ad12e7 us about 8d74cec01c college. Okay?”6b673fcb98622cd1

Jiwoo swung my 061f969cb9 arm back and 3cc28caf13 forth as she 0530defbe1 acted cute.c2755e63801f2da8

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“I need eb3be5ff11 to go b87bcac80a back to da6157defc training tomorrow. I just barely 382e9ac5ae managed to get 9206450a6b out of it 6d83f22e6d today.”855f66bdebdad6f7

Even with my 0827e96911 quiet response, I c6c2c9cc2d could feel Father 3540eeb7e1 and Hyung’s subtle 020161b057 reaction. When you df407b9eb9 grow up 1797cfdfe4 without parents, 2b2d0a3e0f your intuition 348e906503 grows faster f3d1e931f2 than your b604af604e height.53c483202bfc4d05

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“Waaa. But still…”b774c26328f16174

When Jiwoo 766b2b87ce began to 2c15d91ae3 whine, Hyung eecb967da1 scolded her.0752bd7ae162b490

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“Look up d058b57c32 college information 43922ac283 online. It’s all there.”c6c0cd60c425d12a

“How would 7032a5c522 you know, 6b6601b776 Oppa?! The internet b694711074 only has aab87fd970 easy-to-find information. The real information isn’t 82a909959c there!”28eb29d18b6df857

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I heard 634385a35b that Hyung b1f0f6ac05 started working e68901a37c with Father d2ff899f56 right after 94c2dbe929 graduating from 7692b6456a high school. He later entered a ad8eefe952 vocational school, but he 85d9b7310b didn’t graduate because he c8c76f77bf had no interest in e985a8125e studying. That must have been 1b5815bc5c why my mother was 4fff732b61 always taking care of 8d5ff7c57b him the most.30e32d980ed963dd

“Ahem.”fcbb0ecdbfa45cc1

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Father coughed awkwardly as 7f992837c5 if he felt uncomfortable 34a44b9806 with what was being 4835268048 said. It seemed like he d0b6a03f74 was always displeased with c2f0a99db4 the fact that I f19dbd300d was better off than d7fe63460f his son. A mature adult would ab7c78827c hide this sentiment, but 05df366acf Father showed it as 422da9d6f8 if it were something ec0230f2f9 that needed to be 5b7162bc4f shown.e19d5a918d538bc0

Since five people 06abc170e0 couldn’t sit at e84a73171f a table for 113e688493 four, a large c6e2cbfdd2 table of dumplings 96cbb07b91 was spread out a7f94d360a in the living 9083f59edf room. The table c44b9d2a69 was filled 431078fbeb with food 85d5c9bf07 that my d8dc8613ba mother had c3bd8d555b worked hard c653c9c1f0 to prepare. The number of 20764301bd chairs at the 8f4dae0acc table did not a8c41b2e21 seem welcoming to d96e9846bf me, and the 4618c79862 table that my d870ee0059 mother had worked aba1ba61ff hard to prepare d9dee65156 did not please 9d2bc8e6da me either.b8961213e16e57b6

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Jisoo sat eaffc0a0e9 next to 47c5cd9b51 me, smiling 5f806c4075 brightly.3a97bc30151c8c44

“Oppa, what classes e3a4545678 are you taking d25af7b545 this semester? You said you 5fcfc913f0 were double-majoring in 16751811de business administration, right? I want to go 1b8b930d72 to business administration, too.”6b7482fbb709be76

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Jiwoo spoke with e3b5fbfae8 a mouthful of 5ea87e8c16 rice.6ff8c16327c6e1e0

“Talk after you ffaed4bcd4 chew your food, baa6e9aa37 okay?”0f2d730fa593554d

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I tried c7fa6960bd to calm 17c3e60430 Jiwoo down 836046ec21 and signaled b7631c1f60 for her 9f9f696caa to hurry 43c3421f8b up and df2b10866d eat. Then Father 06daae6513 put down 8591f4a8fa his spoon c06b8fd81e and stared 4c868c14c4 at me.9b50b32951590b24

“Without even 29ce937bd7 calling home f990246894 once… Are 344f2728df you giving 2455bdf830 your little bf6d08ddfb sister a d0a42398dc hard time 6aa1d960ab because she a484ec9667 asked something dbc6ac4f72 she was 10c0f5058b curious about?”972bf78f95bfc115

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I wanted to tell 38e5fadc1a him we weren’t interested 22a752fb26 enough in each other 57a5bf00ee to be curious about 9bcb20cdbd each other’s well-being in 5c39e97914 the first place. The man c3bc8e8ab6 who took aa360455a7 a mother 2987b20d14 away from 9db2c96f83 her child df3ef94d11 was shameless, f22e78b301 but it 4e86e80ff2 was as 26d2837544 if he 99ed23b299 were asking 403a104248 me to be1cb1a2f1 be grateful de56b493bd to him 4084e2068e for saving b6f5320cf9 my mother. Even though he continued 33aa99c472 to live with his a8d74aa70b own child, he claimed eb88fd50f2 he could not raise 45cbbaa4b4 the child of the 90d9dbd43a woman he married. That was the first 98ed359659 red flag in regards 8c4704aa5e to his personality.9fae3347ebf55add

At the 7a1e5c266b time, was 38a9d5b04c my mother 556237912f so desperate 123802150c that she 898c9f6a05 had to 718f6e2d59 choose a f907e5db69 man like fdb3391d49 this?4edf3ea27c11fbba

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“Aigoo, who’s saying a2de6f1ccf that? It’s possible for an 88e338f035 oppa to say something 34bc3e05b3 like that to their f1cdfeac25 little sister.”2415abc7b8f187ae

My mother intervened 196fced185 for my sake.a2fe569d871efe46

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“If you’re 3f3c7cd228 an older 1099d5931e brother, you e26615b5bb should act 9725c3ec9a like an b773a6ee7b older brother! And you shouldn’t 8eadaef65a do that either. Why do a31ae9fccc you keep ecca07adb3 taking your a39ccff163 son’s side? That’s why 5784555fb2 he doesn’t 5bb64adf68 know how 75b356873d to fear 47f27fba25 and respect 1e0ec45b21 his parents. He’s being arrogant. You can’t f258120b25 ignore where d869b7906d he comes ef241ca57a from. I told 02f8c3e533 you to ac71efa082 be careful 02c9c510e3 with him.”c2d0bba2409e57bf

As soon e84dd440c7 as the 834ae80d23 meal started, 54f4a43224 Father had 1e2193f3f8 quickly emptied cd6bf9d81c half a 11636090cc bottle of 68fc1c4f3a soju in cb7c775323 quick succession. He seemed to be cd40f04ce0 trying to bring up 58703025b6 my biological father. I think my ff4e3e89cf biological father had 919b75a8aa once shown up fea00f506d in front of c4b5fcd519 my mother who 6a7ca9b947 had just returned 9b3a63c6c3 home and had d843001e72 acted violently towards a7bd5d1b89 her. Unfortunately, I looked just 2685d61328 like my biological father. My mother’s second husband 475ca69884 seemed to find traces 48a0fdb820 of her first husband 0de6dfe4fc in me.d2533c9faadc7da9

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That’s why I 2e779abc05 didn’t want to ff4665a49a come down here 10c6fafa94 in the first 8d58197439 place. Even if I had bb24499cf4 erased my feelings, it faef008c40 would be hard for 91b13ef19b me to become the d6162c211f cause of such discord b08bbadde4 in a family that f32d670685 would otherwise be harmonious 513413b2f2 without me. But my mother wanted 5bac3e4058 me to be a e665597e37 part of her family. It was difficult. It was difficult 1277e89a61 to live. It was difficult 6a843afe3b to endure.a8146a21341fe8f1

I apologized to Father e6e8f7c3f5 and ate in silence. Hyung and my d223670b67 sister were also 040cf268c2 quiet due to 233ff1e3df Father’s chilling demeanor.756d67b3a9477f22

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As soon 2d9c6dcc5a as I 67f00cb2bf finished eating, 9323cf7400 I hurried 25aaa8072e out of b6259d0e3e there. My mother saw d366d5b458 me off at a2493e39ab the apartment entrance.fed6e20dc6978b68

“Your father is 19f2643876 saying that because 8e1e343b4e he’s worried about 5a1f353134 you. And… He doesn’t c0cf5e9483 usually act like 04e510bf2e that. He usually treats 9656666041 me very well.”fecb79bc019b52c2

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My aunts said the 41dcba7534 same thing. That despite 59330b4273 the fact 10b450b486 that he e0df2bbade looked like 3d6289be62 a bandit, febbb9f61f he had 9d08999477 a nice 43e9b1cbd3 personality. For some reason, it f3c8b4f49a seemed that people reacted 85b5243dbd strangely only to me.fd833bc6b5068f88

“I know. Don’t worry b5a05e26bc and just 3829ad4d8b head inside.”b142951cdbbc9f5a

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I turned around and b9fff533f9 pretended nothing had happened. Before boarding the 7a84c5c735 KTX that was 6a3f3dbfba bound for Seoul, 9816c7d941 a distant thought 4b769feaee swirled through my 52311191fc head. What if 850f71b67a I were 2cb603fac6 to be e0dedc4aff hit by f7aeb18695 a moving a18ad37a8c train like 3f52f55036 this? Goosebumps ran through 939415bc58 my entire body. Just before d0dd3b3673 I took d5e0c6caf3 a step bc2f46d23e forward, my d7bdf939f5 cell phone 46f62d622f in my e3706adbca pocket vibrated.712977c094832524

It was a text dcd4c15d65 message sent by my d336f19b85 eldest aunt’s daughter, Heesu.558590e297894a9e

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[Hey, did you go see Auntie today? By any chance, did something happen? I think Auntie called my mom and started crying.]

I immediately called Heesu.0cab7aa31dae2151

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— Oppa, are 848a71a68a you okay? Where are you right 987628052d now?7b55ab112d43b878

She was a b59bdbf75b child who had eb8d7024ec to get loud fafdd2ffbb whenever she got fc2946b7e3 anxious. She had an 2c9f1e52eb innocent personality.f771960341e5ffc4

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“I’m at the train 6acd3f6d64 station. I’m about dfcfcc0cc2 to get d78cc3369d on the 372149bf27 KTX. I came down because d9d543b55a it was his birthday. Why? What’s going on?”c19e876114eed9cd

I spoke e5b667f4d5 in a d9e49052e7 cold voice. Heesu seemed fb7e90bf22 to be d84bab17f1 on the 07c34bf5dd verge of 7661ecfc87 tears.caea8baa528be56a

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— I guess he b4013acc1f told her to make a8e5b9739f you quit college and 3461602f47 come down there to 639655e11d help out with their b149fba65d work. That old ba8b94f05c man never d96d0a4a20 paid a f7f9f3a9b4 single penny fc2a36282c for your 9f03c935e3 tuition. Why on earth is cc6f99f08a he saying all that?196da02ee03c7669

Heesu didn’t 20e3bb6ed9 call that df279781c0 man ‘uncle’ 30a96e8f4e either. The anger d5b5cc1d8c she had 4dfbd40b52 been suppressing 86c13bd014 began to 2aed85ff09 slowly seep 2160582c39 out.a86984c3b525c4f6

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— My mom d49cbf6ef9 is telling her 116c787cba to never let 32772da480 you end up 6d100b7534 like that. She’s telling her not de9b2a97e9 to discourage a child b31fefd55b with a bright future fab93521b2 ahead of him.54a31c8067468aac

It seemed da5e92500d that my 0526119cc5 mother didn’t 67b3e05723 know what a9f92bc625 my first b51f42b7fd aunt knew. Maybe she wanted me ad55500573 to lower my head a644b35fb8 and obediently fall in 4360752b80 line under Father and 7078d013b8 Hyung. Maybe she ef687acc20 thinks that’s 8df8cb73f9 how her f9855a6c5e life will 5c914ed3df become easier. I thought b14f7e47b7 it wasn’t bc41c54898 unexpected coming a69f6b86ce from a 713afd42bd woman who d84f944383 abandoned her 799e420a4f son to 87925c5f10 go raise c41b949f91 another man’s c5bf24837e child.abb9fb3a5dacb86b

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“I won’t quit school. Don’t worry, Heesu.”4536dbd4bb292b83

I could 01b968fce4 always overcome 6ee5d88b0c Father’s stubbornness 6b368c9bbf and Hyung’s 82f0c2b1cf provocations. But my mother’s 04b7609998 ignorance towards her cd0a6f27ff own son was 81e1e84c75 unbearable.b0c69af2d81fc489

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In the end, 7d9c0932c6 my anger towards 9cd4575275 my biological mother 34a6f282f6 was what kept 2cdd5bfef3 me alive.96de62944df5683e

The next day, 6af83635a9 Heesu, who had fd46848782 gone down to b52643c942 her parents’ house fcc54a7c9f in Daejeon, came 7bcf456d57 back up to 0c4597fd00 Seoul at the c981c99587 crack of dawn. My youngest aunt d99270271a inherited the house b5dd4e0092 where my maternal f23f243d24 grandmother lived, and a1bc014e04 my youngest aunt, 630d384420 Heesu, and I b5ea96fe6b lived together in 9a3221a1e0 that apartment. Heesu went down to abe5297167 her parents’ house on f98412b644 weekends and holidays, and 7c50d8e5d3 it was difficult to 5d0eda491b see my youngest aunt’s c84fe392e6 face even though we 129b1e9c1a lived together because she d652a77540 was always buried in 02f76d8a2b work.329f5f5793ba9a01

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“Oppa!”4a8a55b809b180de

As soon as Heesu 7a1568e945 opened the front door f6a740748d of the apartment and 065df18a55 burst inside, she screamed.18a2aa9e100b49e6

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“You’re too loud.”4e972e07e824ef96

I was lying c611e4880c on the living 2279ab708c room sofa reading 7f1c2ee225 a paper, so 073a7b9756 I replied to 2007d7797d let her know 61db433af8 I was there.88c67fd176b08d3f

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“Oppa, let’s 2d50555817 go out.”bb396337360d3b90

I lied when 802e080a92 I said I 22e7afb2aa had training on 01978f6299 Sunday. I tried to kill 626f25070c time by burying myself 5461224ca4 in the sofa and 66b83b0fde reading the essay titled fc59876298 ‘The Elementary Structure of 40a8c46268 Kinship’ by structural anthropologist 3b278a6ab2 Levi-Strauss. The examination of 6695ec5e87 social phenomena and 2df32d8fd4 the zeitgeist was f47e3f3e27 a tool for 1cc11221df understanding my fundamental c0ad89d605 anger.6852fb32d9c0d742

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“Go out where?”34d18b67bcec5308

“Just anywhere. Let’s just wander around! Okay? We can eat, go to PC rooms, and drink. Okay? Don’t just ride your bike all the time!”cea10d0b50f5433c

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The noisy fc529857c3 Heesu seemed 44942d1fd9 like she 93f17df3de would chatter 7b2088f4ad next to df2ea44be4 me all 872dfa800a day if 6c29833299 I didn’t 7dc21ca513 move. Where on earth 591885afd6 does all that 7dd4bd28a6 energy come from?ac8d6484ed09ef09

I had no c28422a394 choice but to 912ca387c6 follow Heesu out 23c8126897 of the house. Heesu took d3ae2e607e me to 1820d89276 a department 0698a3a528 store in 733741e8c6 Banpo.83d4a2576d8bd04c

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“I got a card 396c563054 from Auntie today. Auntie’s card is better e5f7450687 than Mom’s card!”a47e9f408e99ba94

Heesu smiled 693b10f281 innocently as b60805c11b we left e2d71f7f3a the store e3a8a3966d after picking 34af56d3aa out a 94d8c0e1a3 pair of 50be396bd5 sneakers for 01f9060b52 her.b55c047ce35da623

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“Huh? That’s my friend.”20723f530770e7db

Heesu pointed to a a535016b29 woman passing by across 6c83379d61 the street.fceb933325753f2f

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“Oh Mil…”5e7e5d82fc7abca3

When Heesu 3e520260a4 was about 49c9fdc976 to yell 7ec8eb942d out, I 630a28d3f4 tapped her 939c8d3fa8 shoulder.22fdb508cc18444d

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“Do you 2de0454e36 think she’ll bbffad29bc hear you a234966c04 if you 7303eac269 call from d450e358ec here?”cfd7dad86a31a89f

Heesu pointed to 1992dc1f27 the woman walking 3217f2620f across the street 2e46d50f31 and told me f6c2c522f2 that she was 5eeadb4d1d the only friend cf751ba69b she had made e947bf13a3 since coming up 0028fea739 to Seoul. The woman 9ee5dfc1ef was wearing 9b64ef45d0 a blue d73412e91f and white 37f174c729 striped T-shirt f80f7686bb and a 11628b4f37 denim skirt. She was carrying 39d717aaab an eco-bag and b122839c40 hurriedly walking off cae1ec6cee somewhere. She was quite 439ea61a75 slender. She looked like a 20d92d2d9e lightly-drawn walking sketch of 12eb629865 some famous artist.8fa99c14bdabe571

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Her long 179bcbc6f2 hair, tied 2b0d30a709 up on 61af80a652 the back 07a3159e4f of her 04f9243ef0 head, swayed e65b0a7908 in the 1c777b1905 wind.dcf2993e23ccb29c

“That’s her, right?”f448e41f6b7848a9

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I asked Heesu 55ca09c253 as she sat 9ffbeb3c36 at the table 32b0df584a with her eyes a23b2962bc closed. Wasn’t the girl who 4cff931ec3 was sitting next to bbd7e54899 you at the club c3926e617e association meeting yesterday the 998f2e5fe1 friend who passed by c8c5f59efb the department store a f9a8e4c3df few months ago?69c2b527627eb465

“Department store? When?”3788e16bcaf2d5a5

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Heesu shook her d6d88ada95 head as if 8d6bba2004 she didn’t remember.cece447c0028c914

“Nevermind.”063aeaf81644cb50

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I packed my 653eae2d19 bag and headed 3f52fb3e27 to school ahead 4e3023b9fb of Heesu. When I reached the 57f03f43bd central entrance, a woman 1ba340900e caught my eye.20f9f358943920d1

It was her. The woman 9e43d2ba7a who asked b31de89fb1 me what c3119be4dc cologne I 54b705496f was wearing 2387ada9e7 yesterday.1e37b1fefb827c9d

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And Heesu’s friend a6426bb607 that I saw 0a3a4970ca at the department f750aee1a5 store. And the woman 2f5d822d0c I sometimes ran ccf9c5a00f into by the 080563856e bookshelves at the 894934e2d2 library. She was a woman e2324cd398 who always seemed to c8b3084df4 be walking somewhere with b3d14de1d6 a purpose. A woman 71b7257590 whose skin 7085410d08 looked strangely be642229d2 transparent. I wondered 7ac889780f if she 8cd1a65bc1 would turn 5ce0e1f7f3 red when 48d707bf7d you squeezed 68f2473ce8 her. My interest was piqued.f502fcc869f21d52

I didn’t 1ef550bffc go to 585c754136 class that 35c1d3c74c morning. Instead, I observed the 4103c3f9eb woman as she sat 4749a1550b in the library reading 362bf35a27 room. Nothing special. She was 86c2eaf4a1 reading a bad4408b44 book, wrote af807486a8 something down, 8d5b98e12b flipped through 90809003de the book 3bf2ba2393 again, and 1c294412e7 wrote something bfbd1dfa37 down. I stared at 97432dbb1f the woman for f90463794c a long time b7faae2a6f as if she 6d1a1134cd were moving through 2e11f49ca7 a monochrome animation.7d435ffd1844bc6b

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Perhaps because she d9b7bb8523 was oblivious, she 3d0d8e6a2c didn’t notice my 4bcf806f2b gaze, even until 558baf9016 she left the d0acc409c7 reading room around f877a2ccd1 lunchtime.b3b456b85cb66e7e

On Thursday mornings, she a65b99734f didn’t have class, so ac4aa3f357 she was always in 4c6de9e473 the library. I gave 8aec4a80b3 up on d8e1ab36b3 going to 028ab00e04 my Thursday eed8e63164 morning classes. I was 3958e25db1 throwing away 78b972f2ce my grades. It was crazy. She didn’t look away a3a665952d and just studied. I didn’t look 634248d831 away and just b37d3e03aa stared at her.658a02b0dfb01ade

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Somehow, the world she 1cbad57721 lived in felt different 9626e15f3c from mine. It was my 60e25ecd09 vague imagination. I imagined that 68659b493b it contained endless c94d364d7b possibilities like a c418174a40 monochrome picture. I just 66dc843dfd hoped that 990ace7f0e her world 5a254bd475 would be fb5bdcfb7a beautiful, like 06776ae814 the good cb2b077d0f protagonist in d14a012fee a fairy 9d17986e94 tale.3b7f31b03515cb99

I watched her for cfd914afec a semester. As I watched the 2cfb5533da woman reading her book 8a06b48989 with a calm face, ec4c677cc1 I also felt at d440ad1106 ease. The thought that she 4b0fd8f5bd would be here every cd0bdcabf3 Thursday gave me a 7c03300f3b strange sense of comfort. Even if 16ba9d9c46 there was 91684bbee7 a war, 9ca8a39d08 even if c00aa14aaa the sky 081af22527 was falling a1792c4261 and the 2a766faa0a world was 0b0945ef8e destroyed, she 9a970df41f would still 4bbcd4f908 be sitting 40c76ab57a here on 65a042890a Thursdays.713b7fbc103135d6

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But after 9a60004456 the semester e555eee0aa ended, the cb7368ca3d girl didn’t a3adf8a32b show up 6969f3ba98 at the c688c8b6a1 library, even 2f81723cde on Thursdays.8bd2447f31bd3af7

I pestered Heesu to 8e4e86e2c0 get her schedule.9deeb8abcc775f78

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‘Understanding Contemporary Theater’.9437774ad1e5ba5d

That was 3bfe6551d2 the only 66acf524ab class I 00b913e298 could take b6f1e70074 with her. I adjusted my core 840cd613e2 class schedule and called 2f493fc4a8 the liberal arts office 303ab488ab dozens of times to 5043c2908e get into the liberal 246b0f047a arts class that was d174296991 already full.a16098572e10175a

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This seems a bit 9294e50841 crazy.9c6d51d6bbcb7460

Thinking she wouldn’t recognize 499ca14113 me, I took out 09db6b93c3 the black tracksuit that 4e4307d4e7 I had worn to 744e70072a the club association meeting 861a4fe455 and put it on. She was wandering d101bb2373 around the front 6085893cf9 of the classroom e31793a31e with a solemn 21741477e6 face. She faintly greeted me 84b961e85a when she saw me. She didn’t notice me 964d0c7e3c even when I stared b9adabc3ca at her the way 2b9ec7288f I did in the 0eddb31cca library. I guess 1ad73e7787 she was fb8bd5b75a unexpectedly a 901f1078c9 bit dull.3f46f46c84e9df2a

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The girl 13bfe6f2b5 followed me 6bae27c7af to the 7487219809 back of 8da38a9dc2 the class ea0f6718fa because I 9239bc8211 helped her 8c6c8d3d62 with her ac63162cfc books and 0b0ae517c3 backpack. She was cute. She had 76ae760a82 a slightly 930fe006b7 different personality a0e8e1bfec than what 1a5713f5ec I’d imagined, b261cb068a but her 7cce69d94a quirky attitude 0dfed2c83b was so fac94697bd appealing that 3e637f8d49 I could 25bec89423 clearly see d7af43a8bc her true 9cb3d08990 nature.16835eda3cd8e93b

“I guess you 38c794857e like those clothes, 0d81c51c00 Sunbae-nim.”993c512349cdcc9c

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In the 7b1dbb65d3 end, I ae688cb65b became someone 845563e682 who liked fbfb9e501f black tracksuits.eec45f59989a49b6

‘Mil’ of a3a019a4c6 juniper trees 5c51c967df and beautiful ad7d5606d2 ‘hee’. The name she 4d5a1face5 wrote in my d3f292a166 notebook left a 19e3e366b7 delicate mark on 21804162b5 my heart.1966704a1a897c88

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I almost kissed the 3dc1135a63 woman who sniffed my 0eea507b67 wrist. When I showed aa796aaf8f her the photo 20dc86ad50 of the cologne 82a0848114 I had taken 636d3fac8a in advance, she 3d396dcbc3 was moved. She probably didn’t 6252b4e30e know that I 72e3d34eff had been agonizing 8d35f7dc63 over whether to aa61589e21 show her this 8664c7dcf0 photo to her fd012a5f2d in the library 38202bce92 all semester.e09ef75735a4b20e

We blabbered f36b659388 about trivial b74cc5336c things like f56ca3b6e0 whether she 288df6ae27 was interested 363e433c3c in scents 0f12040de8 as her 75ead2e4fe name suggested. She blushed and ea935b767a said that I 0f9d0c8438 was cool, just a162d0e099 like my name. After a long time, 3c6a25bcec I burst into laughter. I felt like 6caaba8a34 something inside my c100ba0e97 chest was crumbling.a487570b198ad26a

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We decided to watch 5e8459f0dd a play together in a930afb0a5 Daehak-ro. I wanted af9abf2107 to see e9e6de22d8 a romantic 7ad54183f7 play since 20bf83b01a we were 0e04c7c5aa supposed to 2ce4baa534 watch a 7d76447e60 play anyway, 30f1e78781 but there 9939195162 weren’t any 134a6cf519 seats left. She came to 32ba40da73 borrow a book 34960f8e90 in front of b2decb06ab the gym, and b4f33375d4 her umbrella swayed 0d69d637c0 in the wind.4db2da22d1a8d667

I was so 918c13db69 worried about her. How could d56b6224b5 I keep 5262aa7606 living like 442d916059 this?c438308168b6a66e

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I told her to 091b24bee4 eat more. I couldn’t 4e37eaf6da even grab 17b02beb34 her wrist b217f3f20b because I 20f05b7188 felt like 7463c36cd3 it would c66d550cf7 snap.3e7d52d768d92cfc

When I 20b103a737 found her 157a0a7ebc at Hyehwa 30b36dbf50 Station Exit 2a2809397f 3, I c0df7a335b felt my 7a68391ea9 breath catch ade7cd82df in my aa7be4b581 throat. When I saw 90ce69aab9 her dressed so ae4a182638 nicely, the phone 89dcf437c1 call with my 6d4dd3032e mother last night 43e4051133 seemed like a 61b261d983 distant memory.caaa7e7a95dceb74

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I couldn’t 5bc1218514 bring myself dc8fdba668 to say a225e40008 she was 2fd379897e pretty. I could easily read 2612e69060 her emotions in her 5149737c49 eyes as she looked c03c2c761f at me. I was drawn d162e28c78 to her because f3dd7d3cd6 I liked the 8a1e424c19 way she looked f4ade4c1ab at me with 66b3748fef such kind eyes.cc22b26f2d496285

“I think I like 9029e74f9d you, Sunbae.”2f8fc0b8928594c5

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You shouldn’t have confessed.757dc945833d6b93

Like a 63d4dcdded coward, I d383458ea5 apologized for dfb8977916 not being fa9d026d1a able to b8bdfd1f7d accept her 91c5d278d9 confession. And I mistakenly a8d4c79b6c thought she would d8cffddd1a remain by my 9387fd242c side like before. I couldn’t let her 50b19c8d1e go, but I didn’t 01236776c7 dare have her. I was afraid e92bfcb576 of the rage 71e4a1fa7c boiling inside me cd672b258e that was desperate 66ce9fd68a to have her.11948bb53590a569

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I was afraid 5b8e96e7c0 of hurting a 0c4b09e691 good person, so 7ef12f59ad I couldn’t get 69ebff691a close to her. I just followed her 5cbc678e11 around in fear.246285033b332b1d

“So I hope that 86b2b08266 you and I become 40f6953c45 strangers from now on.”66b68a0bd38723ae

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I was returning to acabe1eef6 the days when my 86144fd7a9 life was dry. I just 994f0b4d9d looked at c3fe680f41 the back 46e269fc16 of the 8064c76e41 woman as 5fb3d87bc6 she cried 1f5008b45c sadly as 99dd4259ff she went 9ba7819315 home. My heart ached.f59cb4a139e36ee2

She didn’t ee484a9670 come to ad6680a8ff class for 0ff9a2bdb8 two weeks. I pestered Heesu 327529b84b again. Heesu said she couldn’t 4e16b287b4 get in contact with b0c2e94ac3 her either. She turned off her f372d7b0b6 cell phone and didn’t 3b6d60ce2b check her messages. I thought about 0d1f49c629 going to her 9582ff8bdb apartment, but I 77ddd0b44f was afraid she 7c53bbffe7 would completely disappear 4dd450c56a if I did.25d3452c74b92e67

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It was funny to 1eac27247b see how afraid I 9b3712234e was of something I’d 50caf35932 done to myself.b1ff819dc3eaec3a

In the end, 54538fc3c8 I felt sad 9259210d2c because I thought 626c069729 I could only 5047c359cc amount to this 975d2b9918 kind of person. While I was facing d073bd2c95 her, I thought I 09d79fcfc2 was a good person. I thought I could 8b10384e7f become a good person. The presence of b92203ed88 a woman who bd9d2c1c8c made me a cb19c23075 good person helped 16a2293d94 me stand up dcb8c57559 again.e33b57f502e18686

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I miss you. I miss 90f131b578 you so ec321e9a56 desperately that 00efab8f3d I can’t f582513fe7 even deny 79a19ebe4d it if 0c3f6ce74c you call 6cdff2a37a me selfish.dfe1aff8c5d6300d

I was 238d674733 loitering around a5e434e092 the building 12f87765af in front 9a1158c85d of the 68fc6f4dbf sociology department, aa1ad5ca64 wondering if 504f165bda she would 353b208b43 show up ef46574409 for one 37363a83d9 of her c09286e38a core classes. Then I witnessed something a96f5a83da strange. She was 1b63d7a400 smiling brightly 6f249a5cf9 while talking 355b6be66d to a 0af16fa2f8 man.738a47560a0d9d52

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The man handed her a4a52abc55 some money.a2dde65203477581

“Oppa, I really like f4e337ebe9 you. You’re a really good 79ce30ee30 person.”064f9f42475b642a

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Her hair was 3427fb242a damp as she 52fc4d7665 chattered in a fdfe6eb557 lovely voice. When she turned 3dd530fb1d around and saw bb251dbeda me, she froze.7cae359b37c3c965

When I asked her 112785b0c7 who that man was, abe2c52f50 an astonishing answer came 428cb25605 out.6f508b4098f9b24d

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“An oppa I 5c9d100846 know.”e27256da10faad46

“What did 32b74f6fe6 you just 1392063e35 receive from 5b1951cf87 that guy?”90e60a989f5ab8db

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“It’s pocket money. I comforted him a6d429e11e a bit.”f4c4b91ccb061f24

The girl who always 1d0eb6cec2 whispered as if she 16ffa39d46 carried a gentle fragrance ffc7eb42e9 was spitting out such 2cf25fed52 scary words. Rather than being angry, a954e9fea9 I was terrified. I was scared of d4c5f45618 what had made her 4095e66c44 like this.d9d7115c4a6537db

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“You… comforted bcb69d4271 a man… 1bb3df7858 and received 5bc1b6a322 pocket money?”c90d0e88598cb26b

“I thought we agreed 4f72b45487 to act like we 97641ac46e didn’t know each other.”cde7b3b6eec117d1

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She slapped 4bdc44a386 my hand 8f87e7a4a3 away as dc6c628915 if it 09af8cc9eb were an 9cdbb7a061 annoyance and d7f65417f2 turned away.ad3d1bd8fc9edb38

I stood frozen in dbcdefd031 place and couldn’t move.9f2bd051bb620451

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She started f36709098e coming to 4ee066f79e school again 151d354e1f and showed a078c50299 up in 1d9afd4afa the ‘Understanding 3c00b926c2 Contemporary Theater’ c9a77752b7 class. When she 71783837bc opened the 22be61f14d classroom door 8492f92822 and met 40e3bc6df9 my eyes, 871f92d493 I immediately b29bfcf394 felt delighted. She ignored my gaze df9552d66c and sat down in fbe3a2bec8 the front seat.3e57f31d101bf5b8

Throughout class, f855132928 I only 5b359a6f43 looked at 7d7434c5b9 her back. The vacant seat 5c5747d0a1 next to me c1f78e677d felt so empty. Oh Milhee, who 92ab42fba2 used to smile e6bbfb925b bashfully whenever our bd236bcff0 eyes met during 1bf7eccaf3 class, was nowhere 91230f5709 to be found.994be05c92d1d70a

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As soon as 64a478576b the lecture was f3d4edfbff over, she stormed 40bf6fbc4a out of the 85e9b954a4 classroom. I pushed my way d96b53afc8 through the outpouring crowd 7ded00b8ea and followed her.53f5f7e1dd9d9ef7

“Let me cdcd066f19 talk to 9d0f0c49f0 you for 525d74e103 a minute.”07dd90677dfcc1cb

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“Who are you?”8568801c78850d3d

I stopped her 702c63b321 without even knowing a0fbda4835 what to say.87bedff71f4f6514

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I was naive. I was selfish.c445971c2405a92b

“Your complexion… 9513ac1ae4 You look 19a0649d01 like you’re 239893f5ab about to 759cfaa7ec collapse.”1da4ba5866c7a324

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And I was 570e787a6c worried. I had hoped 962632029e that she could ba8636f29a at least live a64f499b15 with infinite possibilities 45547db3ed spread out in d07524c0fb her world.f6ccbace64a5634b

She was right when ddbf9d2067 she said that everyone 0c66cab4b9 wears a mask. I wore a 68ec1ffa46 mask in front 246cbcda5c of her. I pretended to be f0d9c529eb more of an adult 58d4524fa3 than her, to be bac524f930 great, to be cool. I was 7fb5976f5c worried that 72a8050db7 the real ad500fd8bb me hidden 5f40780f89 beneath the 80fa9d89f8 mask would 874f234262 be revealed. So I pushed her 3d81722112 away before it grew 2ddba6f57b too deep. And I hoped c419942767 that she would ddc547597c stay.8968e7aa59812aea

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“There will definitely a71307ee42 be times when e77fa65f6d I hurt you… 396b2d15b8 But even knowing 50392634a2 all this, is 32f9770d75 your confession still 59d6e23c45 valid?”ba457024a4f6f5f7

Even at the bd0c684f46 moment of my 107dcea572 confession, I packaged f3c6da6c75 myself like a 0fac15aff6 coward. I couldn’t reveal my 78192f15fe earnest heart, so I fb03cceb31 pretended I was dreaming 845fa6c556 of success.1362703a8e74bf9c

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But the honest statement 2656391c47 that I gathered my 4afb0d2d16 courage to say was…8c709977df0f2081

“If it’s not valid 21e69cde4c anymore, I’ll confess.”79e1261624612098

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But she 214c9d60e9 was braver 3821c95997 than me.2eac646a6a82fb6d

“It’s valid.”cb160c74efae5ff7

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Even though I c50ce065f0 didn’t know what b4ba6f0650 kind of situation e9c7a8b466 she was in, c962eed966 I made an 98576e3567 irresponsible request.7709a3444c433dd3

“Can you 08efc8d50d stop seeing 6f2157880a that guy d9d50d5460 you call 4eda80e36a ‘Oppa’?”7e0bab6d2b87b371

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I asked 04b296c618 her not 3f93dfacdd to meet f8f1787301 the man a93be06dbb who had adbcf03562 handed her ee21fde3a7 money.181e74e6e277d419

If I have to e6598d1980 accomplish anything in my 6bf415fffe life, it would be 37ae778da5 for this woman’s sake.32e91eae598e8b99

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“He’s my 891aa10bdf older brother. He knew I wasn’t 152f0b0399 going to school and cea81d2e50 that I was just cd04f32114 staying home, so he 4ac63a04d6 dragged me out.”ca05288964bf2978

I felt be9dbd7ee1 dizzy as 190bf02a0a if I’d c79a80e953 been bludgeoned 29a86c34d5 on the 41a97f1c08 back of 95a1bef5fc my head. Instead of getting 3ac78040d9 angry, I felt 29d2063485 like laughing. I must 2558ef8802 be losing dc50244b97 my mind. I shouted 5d6b4b7d5a as if 4d90b2b2b9 I were 3b18941363 aggrieved, but c543699e5d my spirits d1bd93d498 felt like aa98241685 they were 511c184851 about to 261530d9f1 take flight.57479456484bfacf

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Her lips that touched f11e495476 my cheek were surprisingly e7e564fb19 soft. I helped 623525c761 my breath 7378f0ccc1 as I 71d638697d pressed my 5bf81a5b98 lips against ddc4f8c494 hers. The warmth from 1d4359747d her delicate and 8613f9543c soft flesh gently 271a1a6a77 caressed me.1b74f253cbca2634

The wheel that 80b4d63945 had been spinning bcafde2c7e unsteadily had settled 33a2f9e594 into a steady 5ac9a4d6fb orbit. The only path I f90900fec3 will take from now db1c3eece5 on is the one 8a99f696ca that leads me to 473c617607 her.c955faf16196f7b3

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I had memorized the 7ba009466a muscle anatomy diagram a b9027bb506 long time ago. But I couldn’t 39d8738132 say no because 469a15b493 she was so ed419094fe lovely when she ed2764e73f offered to help 5fddfe155c me study. The library seminar e562b8a075 rooms were full, 3e46211f4e so we headed 83f3da3281 to the gym.a16942258c592889

If only I could 448c80ec77 look inside the tiny 9b2999685f head of this shy, fdb6414d31 blushing, and nervous woman, c983258fa5 I felt like I ff6e54357d could not only memorize b2a2a862ca the muscle anatomy diagram b8a299589f but every single cell afee03cc79 of my grandfather’s muscles ad72727537 as well.c6424a8791ecbf54

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“Biceps brachii?”2ae1d9827eb294bf

I playfully 2b5f410ac6 caressed the 632fcf9b02 inside of 983462a279 her forearm. The voice that recited e6d2ee7975 the names of the 969ea47b72 muscles as her face 5f65d01cee flushed sounded so adorable 6c1dcd2619 that it was driving 071efa69c8 me crazy.9f32a3915b92335f

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If you’re 92ac677815 asking me 83c025db0f to touch 3c18aa6b0a the inner 0c279d44e8 thigh muscle, dc8cb1a21c aren’t you 4640b2173c basically asking 75723c6b20 me to 0046ecfedd die?aa01747c4c5f5eb7

I kissed her skin, 7ff9d55c98 reciting the names of c8602ecf4d the muscles on her d2605ab9ed nape. With each soft f25c176623 touch, my desire 507f82610c grew stronger. I wanted e0cab5cf3f to kiss 293cc5a35c every nook 1ba03114d2 and cranny 7cd1b09872 of her dc71ac0ffc body. I was anxious to b0ec20ebc6 have her all. As I 481d709ce8 put my 23751b2d7c hand inside b26b88873b her T-shirt, 56c1e2d942 her trembling e6b2336ecb voice quietly 6a274b15bc echoed in 610f7db253 the room.d4dae447e3559b57

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“Hnng. Rectus abdominis?”2a71b70b2dfb2043

I think I 58f62898fa was losing my c1b477916c mind because she 6fa31eb617 was so adorable.b85a22f6953389a2

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I don’t remember ever 50b7cab750 having a grand celebration 2a03323f8d for my birthday. When my grandmother 25a866013d was alive, I b217a61183 ate seaweed soup c85703e61c and warm white 90d6e04d10 rice cakes. After my a1cfb8dbf4 grandmother passed e1056894cb away, no ecd557cbea one celebrated 034a3fb525 my birthday. Even my mother forgot 4171d9053c about my birthday.8c0eae5d72586c81

When she asked 57e1b821d5 me with an fe3c7633c6 excited expression about faecf8fbc7 what I wanted 864716c396 to do for 38897f6ade my birthday, I 787bd9fbe9 said I wanted 9fb4daf385 to go to 0b5ae01e18 an amusement park.55b08ba1874e5d4b

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“What are you e364f2931e going to wear, 971da4ffde Oppa?”238e3a33446d4d06

“Why are you 5673e2f63b curious about what addbd8ea3e I’ll wear?”ad5cd5532a8c301b

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She acted as 8420b78e7f if she were f8b0a2816a curious about everything 17521b41e5 about me. I was 6132cb4441 curious about 0393f257de everything about 05534e9154 her too. But I was 8dcc1fca3e also afraid that b4eedcda5b her curiosity would f75a3cbb59 reach something I 0321ac19dd had hidden away. Or maybe 0e84a8394a she was 7490b76f68 hiding something c7f24ca18e similar to 8ffbce306f me. Useless worries 719cffbe23 filled my f2d06cdd3d head.be3ba5cc2c9903fa

I picked d8d06470a9 her up ddf94828ee in front f4fb78b3e1 of her 807d67b6e4 apartment building. She smiled brightly, dc77bf0b6b wearing an ivory e065d251be dress with a b849623dcb light blue cardigan.d71b002dfdc01162

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I didn’t want 4cff9c79ca to let her 4b31a59ca7 out of my 9120b32f28 sight as we 791cf68ce2 went on various ec6dad4b79 crazy rides. We bought ice cream, d1bf930787 walked around the garden, 6d13ac40a8 and took pictures with 4b3b65798e a camera that was 307a2d2388 said to have belonged a8be906d3a to my father.8b32b28a933e6e78

I had a afc85738bd love-hate relationship with 6b0886970e film cameras. I missed my 6f6ac7805e biological father, and 1a5a9e3197 I resented him. I kept the 43ac7a6f06 camera as a 6a5016265a reminder of my fed5429be9 lost identity. I promised myself ea497d97bd that I would 172ea64284 use this camera c0b6121dc6 whenever I wanted 6026022a20 to remember something.1048704a60dcf253

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To make sure 194c4d0dbc the camera was b7f50b0f56 working properly, I a69cb93347 loaded some test f709e1e60d film and took 8df99b47f7 a few shots 18edc6025f of my room. The printed photos 304ccfaac7 had a very 65c34b7fd4 soft color that 4be11280f5 I quite liked. I wanted to d64439c144 capture her with 8f82f97278 these colors.861622ff627627a6

We took a 117c138aa3 picture of ourselves 7a04debd80 kissing in front 6cc50f3cdb of the rose f3a931d602 garden.5008008300ec91a4

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“You need to 68486b34ce give me a 674210a71b copy of the 745549ddeb photos once they’re b3e00cdb44 developed.”b1e61bef269c8897

My heart e5b70abe6c was moved 30aa573129 because I 9d1eae8fb7 was grateful 9f8298a583 that she 733e009184 cherished the 019ab3d30a moments she 3df0a58310 spent with 35087bae48 me.871f63896ff2c812

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“You’re so 2495644b01 soft that 907e18c6bc I want 36183dac4f to keep db904d416c putting my 97d1fae950 lips on f4b3708ddb your skin.”78c5e025fd028e9e

We kissed 3d84c7ed95 inside a f0e539d494 quiet bus. Despite her bd3e3a00d7 gentle appearance, 867a5912fc she always cda3e22750 acted boldly.82b5d8b2ad8417f9

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“Should we go on 3665bd1f3b a trip during summer a3c5d2f06d break?”f6ca4372243b5e0d

She turned her head e427726bfc away, disappointed at my 1753de40b6 words that I might a78224e958 not be able to 91ab8c2762 make time. The sight of her e594a84e7e complaining that she couldn’t 955d2e47e2 be with me made 3313f36d6b my heart race.d8bd75594d50b9d5

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I was 8dc6c07428 not welcomed 11dc95ca48 anywhere. Even my own f86a3325d3 mother did not d4dfec3d32 truly welcome me. But when I d9c2cafc98 saw her, who 515f955684 seemed to be 7bcfaa92e6 hurt because she 8448ea8920 couldn’t be with 6ab03a3586 me, it felt 3f71ea8aea strangely good.6b2aa65925ad2096

“I think this weekend 41787a7f44 will be okay. My coach will probably f24c8e9563 go on vacation around 2af200a5a8 this time as well.”c2e3e41067a348a8

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She smiled 9bebc8079c brightly as 47069ad2e3 if she’d 0eb859b8ba never been 61b97b42a1 upset in f229fa1b6a the first 68c43e9149 place. When I asked where 70c5eba4d6 she wanted to go, 10b7cb1fd3 she chose a seaside f6f5dc4000 city.5ab0162ef5e1c8dd

“I want to go 1e3b419e02 to Sokcho!”756e5270983cf633

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If we went on a one-night-two-days trip, we would obviously waste time on the road. And I don’t want to take her to a seaside town that would remind me of my unpleasant family that wasn’t a family.7a70a22904ce5ff5

“He should 7460d8eff5 have been 8b2c0093eb scolded! Even now, 3d1116ab51 you look 784ff555cc like you’ll 98fc3793a3 break something 9e6bc06548 the moment d801c7c611 you fall. If you had fallen eb685ec282 when you were little, 32942833dc I can see how efbba8e832 worried your father must 44170c19cc have been! Don’t worry. You won’t fall c89fc1b7ee if you’re with dfd92ab58d me. Absolutely not. I won’t fd590bd5a8 let you aca54f43c1 get hurt.”b21abf49aa541566

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I shouted 0c47e7f5e1 at her, 5a06778f2c saying I c697266e2c would teach 5b13f6db88 her how a2db8216ea to ride b03d20c8ad a bike.61686682b91abf62

Never. I won’t hurt 6f2bbf562b you.67c28147851a3753

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Not just while riding 7c53c95bf4 a bike. Never ever.6b85bd689c7942c1

I might tease ea5d60dc51 her a little 7a1b22ebb6 because I wanted 96d0ece81e to see her c031c1af8e squirming because of 0942b547d6 me, but I 79f257c02c promised myself that f875161226 I would never 3191e62836 hurt her.86c57e8525b61b87

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I was foolish. Without taking 93b2d5aa84 the time b99935d9c0 to reflect 1b9cec42cb on myself, 250151578d I was a142d0669a leaning on cee63ecdc1 a woman 58c6e38b5f who was 938bf4003f infinitely gentle. I was worried that 7b362db47d I wasn’t ready to ffcab382ba relieve my burdens on 515edf2cb2 her yet, I couldn’t 05bdd1c84b let her go.63ffcf84ef75a464

Where should I 858988e2fa take her on 6a7b5ec899 our trip?b9118bf409de6ff7

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I wonder if I 0446436569 can fall asleep that bdb591ce44 night while holding her e751992c9b in my arms.07973a47cdf78dcc

I wonder if I 9effa1c7fe can sleep at all.c7e3d40f1f0d76b6

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Although my worries increased, d3ad29ffd2 I was happy.184cec20ef9cd563

And I never had 56405c3d91 a fear of heights bfef19697e or anything like that.19882142b92a3ed6

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