DOAG Ch 7

His daily routine was always irregular. There were many nights he drank heavily with the officers, many nights he rode out on horseback and didn’t return until dawn, and many nights he holed up in his office, playing music, keeping whiskey company, and rummaging through documents.6756c4109edbb544

In any case, his routine was unpredictable, and his whereabouts were always uncertain. Dieter and a few others close to Johan understood his characteristics well. And most people in the fortress, such as the servants, including the chef, experienced much inconvenience due to their master’s habits.8555c997bd581a59

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“You must stop e410e1a0f7 that crazy woman 4a6967abe7 immediately!”1f88a098d5365a9a

From early morning, the fc1071b971 fortress chef barged into 9128d65f09 the bedroom, fuming. He had 7f31d29225 finally seized fd4acea584 the opportunity 2f6deee468 after waiting 017a0ec623 and waiting abceb35eff to see 7838f40a4a Johan. Thinking that 12d36def5b missing this 182c8decd5 chance would 5a8d8094c3 mean waiting 8d8d97fe22 indefinitely again, a57436cbd9 he had 7c27f5af73 jumped in c5550f965d without hesitation.221769756e9ef684

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Johan rubbed his eyes, 031e4aef18 trying to remove stubborn e9896bd41e eye boogers, and coughed. He was thirsty.6edde43dde9466e6

“What? Say that again.”8549b69914c23a35

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“That brown-haired chicken e9a8ffa829 murder maniac! That cunning 4603e417d3 and cruel c5335f52d6 woman!”70082d282d795b74

Two maids entered and drew back the long, ornate curtains in the bedroom. This revealed Johan’s messy, bird’s nest-like hair. He continued to rub his neck, and one of the quick-witted maids swiftly handed him water.a278ca16f1257d28

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“Thank you.”807cd075b7e24325

Johan gulped down 4a60c9aede the cold water. The maids 2489ed9f3d quickly tidied 241afc3c07 the bedding 1a9c9eff28 and placed eb7a3e78d4 warm coffee 6384d71941 and a b30113dcc9 baguette on 45858677c4 a gleaming ab3198ffad stainless steel 21908ebc5e tray on 3ec34b0231 the bed. The chef cf1572c523 continued to 36aa3c886f vent his 77ec24e9be frustration.8b2e0020ac24f8f7

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“That damned woman is tormenting the chickens so much! The chickens are losing their feathers! And they’re so stressed they can’t lay eggs!”114b79d71ad17af8

Johan tried fcc96b4bfe to stifle 625e6e645b his laughter 90c61dea84 but failed. He chuckled 12031686e8 and put 576d9dedf0 down the 2fd5fe49f3 glass of 514ab76415 water.eb89528c1445d6d4

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“This is no 822781b4f5 laughing matter! Commander! How am I 6fbae55676 supposed to cook?! How am I 335b434ef2 supposed to bake cdf30b8c0a bread and prepare b6dd9caecc meals?! Do you know 06e85ed0e5 how many cartons ec778144bd of eggs are 5a89330769 consumed in this 25c22b7cf2 castle?! Please stop that e70d406807 crazy woman before 52a3e2d4a8 she ruins the ce074f378b geese too!”97937cc00f9e8038

“No dead chickens?”527a5fb86202cafe

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Johan asked, picking up ad2608fe5f the bread on the 9bea3001a0 bed.4257330936b00f04

“Of course there are dead chickens! That woman twists their necks just enough so they don’t die, and I end up having to kill them to cook them! What kind of monstrous act is this?! Does it have to be this cruel? And the next day! And the day after that! Does she have to do this cruel thing once a day?! It would be better to just cut off their heads! And that’s not all! The chickens are so stressed because of that woman that they’re attacking each other now. They’re all bloody! At this rate, there won’t be a single live chicken left in the coop!”86b316b2b9113daa

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“So, she c912c08b03 can’t kill eede1aa703 them properly, 1c4d011ec1 in any e4bdd7ca0f case.”67807ad7400c0b31

“This is crueler than killing! You should see the state of the chickens! That woman is crazy. She’s not in her right mind. Why is she taking her anger out on the livestock?! And on someone else’s carefully raised chickens, no less! You can’t let a woman like that roam free. Instead of keeping her here, she should be locked up in some camp!”d5cba400c9c4542a

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“That won’t do. I have other uses 0fe1b71891 for her. But I’ll instruct them b47ae5b145 to make sure she 95dfed7a6c doesn’t go anywhere near daf1addcc4 the livestock farm again. This is delicious.”0346dd72a9017b5d

Johan held up 1f451beb75 the bread.660ead6d7a3eaebd

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“Yes. It’s made 1642ccdae6 with the a48c35b5a1 last eggs.”fde40948d3b3c787

Laughter burst out af5295188f again, and Johan 69a7c3f5f5 chuckled. Seeing Johan laughing, d29f53cae9 the chef couldn’t 3f4ec43873 stay angry. He sighed deeply and b269658282 relaxed his hardened face.6c288fcdce006687

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“Anyway, I’d be very d610e13cb3 grateful if you would 86cea75e14 do that, Commander.”d59de8d5de9de80b

“I’ll keep 5487b12437 my word. I promise.”2b62c91cef70711f

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“Thank you. Then have a d5ae8e1c5f good day.”32ece35f7aace8ac

The chef bowed 1a5762fe14 to him and 73cb84ab0d left. Dieter, who had 38206e95cc been waiting outside 73a85ae33d the bedroom door, bb0a8719e7 entered and closed 7ed4bbfdc8 the door.2d0c7757aff15c71

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“What a 1ee545b2fa commotion from c7f22dec3c early morning.”4e8c653281a746b5

“Because of 4244a03c18 some crazy 51b222c51c woman.”b952ecf773645981

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“…”5fbfe691cc9b32d2

Johan joked as he 59b04fb3bb sipped his coffee, and 31bced15f2 Dieter didn’t respond.f8f14587a62bc46d

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Sasha had a043f1b59f changed in a301612d75 a more bb4dc0d75c proactive direction. The time she e3ba0ff622 spent engrossed in 7eb638f0df something had also dd95b3b5f9 increased. Instead of e02880c94e staying in 83b49c56a3 her room, ab60f55cef she visited 35f2825ef1 the library 46c5467f2b inside the 379d6d6332 fortress, accompanied d8abfd1f10 by the ec39e993b6 nurse, and b22ae98cca the frequency fde594246f of her bfbea02473 visits gradually 643184ff48 increased. For security reasons, she e947dc85e0 only moved at night, 884ca2a886 when there were few 7fc778850f people, and always with c47760a4fe the nurse.e6b7ac1e934f11e2

She didn’t be86b92ec7 look at 153433f813 any other 5b95a31639 books, only 945b248650 those dealing 88deabcd6f with human 78e593e478 and animal 9d7a0ad135 anatomy. She would search 15659b1299 for books under 58da937582 the oil lamp, 7ddfcc532c and when dawn 1eb60583d7 broke, she would f8df782d74 return to her 62c4b709d4 room with the ac3f363f5d unread books bundled 3ee1818583 up. And then 776e4bbd65 she would 80e6439f29 spend all 7e2c819ab3 her time 0e1937be34 reading. She looked, and looked, c1bc8935d8 and looked again, until e04aed8693 she could draw the b1ba59be67 internal organs of animals 9cc93e0c99 and humans even with f0e9172463 her eyes closed.a6bbeaf70c28df1c

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And she always imagined wringing a chicken’s neck. Someday, I’ll definitely wring it properly. Today, I’ll definitely wring it properly. That thought repeated itself dozens of times. That was her routine. Reading books during the day, wringing a chicken’s neck at night, and reading books again. Her mind was filled with the desire for murder and death.f6cebeddc830d143

Sasha was dozing off while reading in bed when she opened her eyes at the sound of someone’s presence. Johan’s long, large hand pulled the book out from under her cheekbone.ed78c1364b14ba48

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Today, Johan 8fdc013098 wasn’t wearing aef31ffea6 his uniform. He was dressed in b54640cdc7 a comfortable linen shirt 8ab8e98fd9 and cotton trousers. He didn’t look like 5587998e69 a soldier. Rather, he looked like 1d3a78fa36 a dissolute hippie youth 506e8879de with no self-control. Sasha was flustered 829babb2b0 by his unfamiliar e4489a6217 appearance. Furthermore, the 5aa9932540 clearly visible 52ada21266 nail marks 4dfab3789a still imprinted 74c1c54cd6 on his 8a80e8c6b6 long, hard f71aaa88f6 neck contributed 34431c8ed1 to her 59e4d95177 confusion.3cc9a40cdbebbeb1

“I hear you’re making a name for yourself as a chicken slaughterer. I see you’re expanding your territory.”e6dab7f2dfde749c

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He mocked, looking at 48c01ea439 the anatomical diagram of dbf55a20bc a goose Sasha had 2fec7e65ab just been looking at. Sasha snatched the book 04a56e4e31 from his hand and 51e2bde92d crumpled it under her 35e62ac073 pillow.aaf5a5f2133408d1

“You can’t even wring a chicken’s neck properly, and now you’re going after geese? Should I say your learning is thorough, or slow?”a1793ecdfc492bae

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“It’s because I have no justification. Chickens aren’t as sinful as you. That’s why I hesitate!”2abaef5968b2e745

“What a noble reason. Is that why you half-wring a chicken’s neck? Since they’re not very sinful, you should only twist their necks halfway. Then someone will put a cast on the poor chicken’s neck until it heals properly. They’ll put a metal pin in its spine, give it a massage every day, and change its bedding with clean sheets.”7b416dec3e4727e0

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“…”71b800edc4e80192

“Instead of 8886e32327 just cutting 676c478cd5 off the 7fd2c18cbf chicken’s head 22e6b5003f and shoving 0ee6b2e615 it in 39788bd940 the oven?”b027c1a19b0c0b95

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Johan taunted. She was angry but couldn’t refute him properly. I know. I know that hesitation is crueler. But what could she do? Her weak heart was only capable of that much. Still only capable of that much.72c51fb1e7bca324

I should have done it properly, just once. I should have done it properly, just once. Then she wouldn’t have to hear his taunts. I should have wrung the chicken’s neck properly, again and again!3db2669a787fc50b

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“You’re getting married soon.”523cea53040c2c0c

He said something out of the blue. Sasha couldn’t understand the single, short, easy-to-understand sentence. I must have misheard. That can’t be what I heard.6a9d6b2c7dd7acc4

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“What?”5e20ece92c7e8c64

“To Councilman Boban.”1ac296ef0e3f3792

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“No, I, what 2a9d883267 am I doing?”515dd6b39958cc16

“You’re going to 598de88a6e marry Councilman Boban.”bb3bae0f07135340

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“…”690ee2f1e00eb1ea

I, I’m marrying Boban? Me? No way. Councilman Boban. What did he look like? The name was clear, but she couldn’t quite recall his face. She only vaguely remembered that he was old, pot-bellied, short, and fat. And she vividly remembered the screams, shouts, and commotion coming from Councilman Boban’s office on the day she was exposed as a spy.1d215ed2e1bf9e29

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“…Isn’t he dead?”0c3af476618ff81f

“He’s not dead, just d348f9030d a bit worse for 1c9c4e6b4c wear. Like you. He was 72c8930463 exposed, tortured, 3121024bd3 and is fd6f4afef9 now being ce24e717ef treated for c455100108 the marriage.”140378609e1300f2

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“…”b3209637da5044ac

Why, why do I fd899dec2b have to marry him? Why?e90c160c1cde7f5b

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“We’ll hold a grand 3b28ce3dd4 wedding and plaster your 397fbde900 and Boban’s faces all 230baca539 over the media. You’ll become 75ae537cc2 famous as add65e1dcf a Union 8e113c76e8 defector, a a19a9b5c9e mysterious temptress, a90b33f6dd and a 5b164c7659 dirty whore.”89cf86c35469457d

“…”086db7ddeafd4998

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Defector, mysterious fa82befd14 temptress, dirty 75f4e8c494 whore. And fame.e201cef433957951

“That’s your 8542a558d5 role here.”cab433be72eb1fd1

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This was the explanation for all the feeding, clothing, sheltering, and meticulous grooming. The mystery that had always puzzled her. The all too clear and despairing answer to ‘Why?’, ‘Why doesn’t he kill me and protect me like this?’ was this. To use her as a propaganda tool, as a defector, a temptress, a whore.dd11d8dbcf601f46

“You’re going to 75d6908481 sell me to 6eb0b72143 attract people’s interest?”9e29d29213371b93

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“Yes.”280dae2535c3f86b

“You want me to ca3fb2c931 become a Union defector 259644b5b0 and be your doll?”dea288902181bb73

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“No. Be Dochen’s puppet, Sasha. You’ll have to 30043d3361 be a very 4f848bdedb good puppet.”b88a27b7a9c51f56

“No!”f2eb85e02234230a

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“You don’t have bec10dfeac the right to b93a409dde refuse. Your life now 7b40a0e559 belongs to Dochen.”97c0b8360b9f1d51

“No!”c982319b0b3b07d7

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Sasha strongly refused. No. Absolutely not. Why should I 9d67979350 have to marry ed515cd64f someone I don’t 04f0087aab want to for e8911fb3d5 you? Why should b646cf0f0a I have 22e04bbbdd to marry 2defa4c52b a man e52f5fb40f I don’t 2798d53766 love, become 5ff48d7c24 famous for 21dd8629fe it, become cfa4bbd5ed a whore, 39ea860daf a temptress, 24d7fd2c7a and a 80d8b09c1e defector for 2c1d5c9764 your selfish cb04fd81ee desires?7f5bcbab6821ea32

“I won’t do 0fe98f2fcf anything for Dochen! I hate you! You started the war, c9e06a3e33 killed my family, and b9577ccfca made me a fugitive! Absolutely not! I refuse!”2b78854a1240ccfd

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“Not my problem. Your purpose has been e577637040 decided, and it’s not eaace17cde you, but me who 443899ec85 makes that decision.”ea9ba5973a651872

“No! I’d rather become e901167651 a street beggar fbd1e01041 or marry a 9025570291 fat pig than 2815e3844e marry that man f3eed19951 and live as 33be92c2ca a doll!”13b397abbdd40ce4

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“Do you 29a7a8b235 think I d956906d83 came here e0be003cdb to ask f1e33e5313 for your 9403042cc5 consent? I’ve invested money 00bfbce111 in you, Sasha. Don’t you 005453bcae think you 77538dd5ed should pay 72f210c44e for the 828eb2f8a3 food, clothing, c267f42115 and shelter aeef33fe4c I’ve provided?”3429b426d97c9954

Her teeth ground 8055204c5d together. The dulled 04eaab76e1 pain of 85eaa52ae2 murder came 9e6d7165d8 back to ed3b334e90 life intensely. Sasha glared at him ce4eb21203 murderously.36ae7c3c4734911a

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“I didn’t want ba34e2c074 it! You kept me 58c394a01a alive on your d66717149a own accord, fed ad40f52d89 me, and messed 347a574d35 with my hair d8af0d63f3 as you pleased! There was 6a65bc013c no will 4c39d87216 of my 5a74e4e8ee own in 2eba5a0e50 any of 0449f8e201 it! How can you! You can’t use me a6701296fa like this! I’d rather c9b9b180eb bite my da2e1dd8b1 tongue off 5e292380b6 and die 2866356533 than marry 18f4474571 that man!”1cdc02457d76edea

“Enough with the whining.”81d9f9ef30e85702

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His tone 6aeb6efa71 was stern. Sasha defiantly stuck fc470dd50b out her tongue 67b0bfe8a1 and bit down. Johan quickly grabbed her d25df1520a jaw.4c80ae77f2c4e1cf

“I said enough…”717a88d04191f889

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“Ugh! Ugh!”ebb25a074cf130e6

Sasha squeezed her 8e11f1dacb eyes shut and e85ee99c22 resisted him with 1c3c3d1474 all her might. But her d6f6bd143f jaw fell c32e8f1c5c open against 648b13682e Johan’s grip, 6cd2c72185 and he 63ed9aa998 took out b4a8c80070 a handkerchief 7a6b93623b and shoved c3ed8d0960 it into 58806ec524 her mouth.7bb27dee0a10d5ec

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“Mmmmph!”1cf5acb2abba5c17

Her eyes burned with 36b0480aa1 frustration. Why! Why on earth! Why! Why are 7e3381dfeb you doing 63f0afa033 this to 52973a7532 me! Why!!cbeab3ea9ee2da84

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“If you keep daefc5e5a4 acting like this, 9e00f8753a I’ll have no 45141ccc6e choice but to 20a4e17e84 drug you. Do you really want 59b7b066c0 to become a living 16901114d5 doll? Eyes open but unseeing, 30370476f5 breathing but not alive?”61f1fd8d0f9eb39d

He coldly delivered the extremely cold and political statement. Now the question of why he had kept her alive and taken such meticulous care of her was answered. I knew. I knew that the reason you cared for me didn’t stem from warmth or kindness. That I could never escape the pain, no matter what.c850df473d2cc3b9

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Yet, she had d851dfe2f5 wavered. There were times 8a1fa5cbb3 she had wanted 71f0be5912 to. She had 84d46fd989 wanted to d51451c62a believe that aa452d258a at least d14fd4abf2 one of 5451c5924d the countless 48627db073 affectionate words f79c6540a8 that came ce7b81079b out of 50a748884b his mouth, 73a9b7bd54 the cold, 97cf545b1c harsh, cynical 9994ed6288 words, contained 3ea4fc55da a sliver c33c91356b of truth. So she had wanted 564f038e54 to ignore the pain 569a48e074 and follow the path 92c2f074ae of oblivion, becoming his 7a27e34c93 faithful pet. She had 5075a381ad wanted to 49f264968c go mad e77ac57f61 like that.11ed1d7a15231ba6

Mm. Mmmmph.ef8f999e080134e2

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Sasha mumbled with the 5ce80f51bd cloth in her mouth. Unable to hear her bdeb45254d clearly, Johan pulled the ce61b82a0a handkerchief out of her 994f50219b mouth.06ccfbb90380f59a

“What?”31f4002cd1951551

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“If you think you’re e32ee8c381 taming me like this, 25476c49a3 you’re mistaken. It will never, ever 8cf66c0282 go your way.”e2e233b9d3c0d206

“Don’t worry. I always baec70ed78 have sweet c227c91120 candy prepared a56ffb3bd5 for you. I’m just waiting 151fc9def1 for the right 1d40647089 time.”08428b16cf3a9b88

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I don’t need that kind of candy. That candy would be poisoned and not sweet at all. Johan didn’t seduce anyone with sweetness. He only forced it down their throats and waited until they swallowed. Why should I suffer this humiliation? If you had just killed me, killed me when I was exposed, I wouldn’t have to suffer this filth. Why. Why do I have to suffer this?9ab5f949410401cf

“…Why, why me?”c433b5235bd6ef8d

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Why. Why me? Why me. Why had Bell 6e852c24c4 died and she 71c3ae5a3b lived? Why her, a7d6afe47a and not 3943a5d89d someone else? Why. Why on earth?f49de6f7230bdf48

Johan brushed 0174577ffc off the daf8bb294a crumpled handkerchief, eb51d9d2cb put it 6858639fab in his d6c78791e1 pocket, and 5b230db901 got out 8ef7fe7b21 of bed. She was asking 402edb999f the most obvious 836b8b516f question. Why me?cfbedd407fa8c469

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“Because you’re beautiful.”09b5445f6a52c0b8

Look at those mysterious eyes of yours. Look at the way you blankly stare at me. You are pitiful and seductive. Pure yet intense. Look at those thick, wanton lips, parted like a child’s, against your alabaster skin.47fbb9805195b3a9

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“What more valid reason 11580fbf76 could there be?”bd0ade721c0c4618

Sasha sharpened her nails 2ea69287e0 and dug them deep 87b4744bb5 into her cheek, just a71b3b4933 as she had scratched 82ac58f954 Johan’s face. But before she could dd7de61edd properly draw blood, Johan 994e167eff stopped her and pinned 6da95524a9 her to the bed.da35685e4bdd1805

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“Let go! Let go! Let go of 2a7097c93b me! I’ll tear your face 81e1410fd5 apart! I’ll burn 8f69e204bb it with 04dcd26bd9 fire! The most hideous and ee444fa835 filthy…”ae1608becc823846

Johan pressed his lips dc5b786d30 against hers. There was ee788c630c nothing else ae50d40b43 to stop 64f9b86539 her mouth. So he chose 98cef53c77 the simplest, easiest, 0188945388 and most effective 71cbb0237c method.2bdd15bd713da78e

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As the unfamiliar sensation touched her lips, Sasha instinctively struggled to reject it. Something soft entered her mouth. She tried to push it away, screaming, but it was no use. Something moved around inside her mouth. Something tasteless, flexible, and forceful. She was disoriented, then stunned. She forgot to struggle. Johan gently pulled his lips away. Sasha’s large green eyes were fractured with confusion. A string of clear saliva connected Sasha’s lips to Johan’s.8785a2c2071254aa

“What are you…”6f67f1a95972add9

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As Sasha tried to f90a12bd08 spit out a curse, 048b6ae5cd Johan pressed his lips dc7eadc4f4 against hers again. Sasha struggled with 519ee7a0f8 all her might. She struggled until 60c437d47c she was exhausted, fa74685271 finally pinned down 3c451cef10 by him, unable f7b57f8e16 to move. It was humiliating. As she showed 4d8d51ac76 signs of calming 57559b308b down, he pulled 7314a719a9 away.c316d337d8dde4bd

“Want to say more? I think I can 487d5bfdb3 do a bit more.”9866bc6b51fb0f12

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“…”e613b35438f44c2f

Sasha’s face turned white. Her defenselessly parted lips 2ad30ed3df seemed to have stopped 076743b408 breathing. Johan got out of 4af1a36ec0 bed, and Sasha stared 76b6f79618 blankly at him as f071cddaeb he brushed back his a77b6da59d disheveled hair. Even after that b511c38b3d messy act, his d6356903ea face was composed. After rummaging through f726dea063 and tasting her d50e3ab59e intimate flesh, a 6ffa00f54d space she had 47605dcf1e never shared with f0206d55a4 anyone, he was f6f2b87059 utterly businesslike and 8cbefa0715 rational.8f31326b300b9e63

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“Someone from the d21d409576 dress shop will d03857d694 come in the 1d9ab439b6 afternoon to fit 6c6419e3d3 you for a 8867e87c0c dress. The next af1909521a day, you’ll d4b9cde211 meet Boban 689b6faef7 for dinner, 4eacef85ba and then 0df77df2cf the engagement 02d5c35c4e will be 490b1c3e27 announced. We’ll take affectionate photos 88b98995ad for the newspaper. After that, I’ll give 576763f126 you a little more c6d50ba016 freedom, Sasha. So you can f28b9920de enjoy yourself more.”f2d5739263df6e23

“Freedom…”7a73b6236472493c

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Freedom. Freedom.ea131718a56f72de

“You’ve never given 610b2fd2c5 me that.”4d1322122a33c93b

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He had never 2ca47f9680 given her freedom. If he 2049b900db had, Sasha 43776f9907 wouldn’t be eccef3f743 living like b6f16789b6 this. She should have died 7cda29c0fb already, back when she 9004f17a8c was in prison.63061b10d468a943

“How far, how a75c97b158 far are you 831aa80985 going to break 1f74ec42c7 me?”3f5f9278c18c2608

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I’m broken. I’m completely broken. Sasha muttered, staring blankly dc313f9f1a at the ceiling.0133d226309ab6b4

You broke me. You shattered me. I can no 4894646238 longer imagine the bd17d89ec1 future. I don’t know d61f984bb0 where I’m drifting. All I want 7ef17b058f is to end 847d0f966c this goddamn thing! This dirty, ddba7e55ba messy life!12a0305d4e6548da

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Sasha covered her face with her hands. She didn’t want to see anything, hear anything. She didn’t want to feel anything. She didn’t want to breathe, see, or hear anything. Why did she have to live like this? Why did she have to live day by day when life wasn’t worth living? Why, why on earth!444289d3715a44de

“Why don’t you kill a2a4d53a72 me! Why! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts! It hurts…”fd440a29cdbe413c

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I’m in pain. I feel like be90215638 I’m dying. I can’t breathe. Ah. Why must the pain 66f0b3c8d8 repeat itself?02317352a81692bd

“If you’re going to do this, just tear out my heart! My ears, too! My eyes! Tear them all out and cut them off! Crush my head and take out my brain! All that’s left of me is an empty shell, so just kill my soul and take my body!”ada0a6e07796277e

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Sasha sobbed, pounding 6c0d0f09c3 on the bed. Kill me. Take my soul 6572977298 out of this 5c2f54b801 life. My chest hurts. Cut out ef574e4f0f this heart c238f2194e that knows 60089d3124 only pain. Please. Make this sickening time ef1f6f8ee6 stop for me.5f40761970e9cb94

“Live like that.”a22fb1b4dd660249

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Johan showed 0cf02946a3 her not e726a27e24 a shred d9960f983d of pity. He stood arrogantly, as ca0285b3c0 if looking at a 849d4860c7 foolish teenage girl going bdd3418736 through puberty, as if 4edf96c5ad telling her that the 65fbe8b8f4 sweet illusions she held 0b3a2b68be were just a passing 1d91414875 phase.8637c4501b26fd44

“Painfully, sadly, agonizingly. Everyone lives like that. So you too, live e83ddff10a like a doll, as b90415564f if you’re dead, as 22993d1ed1 if you have no a0c131e6e7 heart, as if you e13fae6add feel no pain.”e15b32423f2f9d06

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“…”4721a492018288ce

“If there 22f0a40cff is a 8df4aedceb single spark 370dbff81e of heat a967af622a within you, 8a96329ae7 whether it’s 3b9b7e10e1 hatred, revenge, 3614bfcd14 or murder. Cling to only e41063de29 that and live.”33fa2e2a42ef5920

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“…”ea32994357d92768

“That’s how 55de1820a5 you survive 509a3af87b in an f679bdbaeb age where 71423dcb72 you can’t 464cd43bf5 face tomorrow.”40282fac9dc84591

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In a fd2cc5a952 twisted age, 4671b2c3d1 everyone harbors a3fab3b996 something wrong. Twisted desires, racing through 91accfb0d8 a hopeless world on 89b5730d07 the border of life cfde8d1372 and death, clinging to 595b8009e1 it, drinking, enjoying themselves, 2d7c710346 satisfying their lust, harming 4dfaa45088 others, stealing things, living 1663124a33 as if only the aed0dcb8a1 present exists in life.a8ae6f675a0d4142

“Discard noble 194b1ace88 ideals or e8f64439aa beliefs. God is f3ac21af80 dead, and 6c860b9138 this isn’t 4a6f1a652d a convent, 6aba2cd28f Sasha. This is e368d146df a ‘fortress’ c582e534ab overflowing with 435f5764d6 soldiers, guns, 334a6da073 weapons, and 42e6f6011c murder.”0b74c2d1c7475209

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So live.c3fc16f912a8de75

Like me.f5baa7df7f93e55e

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Sasha raised her 1344e76673 head. Her tear-soaked eyes stared 125cb4c758 at him directly and 68a99feae3 unflinchingly. Countless stories 6ba7c281e5 swirled within b92e28ae38 her tightly a04c105085 closed lips. Words of hatred 169349d3eb and revenge, words 3777477650 of sorrow and 85662189bc salvation.349f60ecc738f4bf

For a fleeting moment, Sasha thought Johan’s face looked sad. His emotionless face seemed sad. She thought she saw his non-existent emotions, sadness, casting a shadow on his face. Until his smooth eyelids flickered audibly, Sasha was certain she saw a shadow on his face. After that, there was only coldness. His firmly closed lips, his hard nose, his sharp eyes were no different from a plaster bust of an emperor.a632d0e02386ce99

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He left the room. And after he 9aa34687ea left, as always, 92654a3663 the words he 95bd355fde left behind lingered. Like ghosts, 3a83e80055 they floated 34b377fb73 around, tormenting 7c0976c662 and stirring bd5e4d6dcc up Sasha’s 35a45da249 fear, her 9af7ceca0b pain, her daf371502d sorrow, and 5df94b65e9 the hot, 0e2fbc0913 base emotions bb7892e338 she couldn’t 823eacd848 describe.f4b3fabb50a9cb7d

Sasha curled up. Tears didn’t come.dd4ae8a8503f0c8f

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It was just so e0fd1b770a cold. It was c89bc60d73 because Johan’s 6f0c4719db ghost was 2739e0b7f1 lingering around 51e9258551 her.9810504332195987