AES Ch4.4

Seo Heetae’s attitude was a signal. It was an indirect rejection, telling him not to have any feelings or aspirations. He was someone who could say such things in a genuinely gentle voice.68bcaf70b7a06db9

“We are good fellow actors, right?”6e29a83b8783d452

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Good fellow actors. He had heard those words somewhere before. He remembered. Seo Heetae had denied dating rumors with those words. His relationship with Ryu Sihyeon was the same. The conclusion was a complete denial. Despite having sex and kissing, they couldn’t even hold hands now. It truly seemed like there was nothing between them.e49d203641ca4060

Seo Heetae stood up. “Let’s go,” he said, turning away. Sihyeon couldn’t bring himself to follow. He watched his retreating figure.9a434ff277ad53d3

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He wanted to a3189e85bb hold him back 2c128a8076 and say,897cd19998f94d92

I don’t want those things. Money or connections mean nothing to me. I don’t want to be a successful actor.a1d6447c63fe64e3

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I’ve only ever wanted one thing in my life. And it’s so difficult. You make everything hard.935aca6eee2bbbd9

Every January, his depression worsened. January 27th was his parents’ death anniversary, and as that date approached, his mood plummeted. He didn’t know why, but perhaps because that was when his life had started to go awry. Still, it was improving every year. It certainly had been.ed12bf2707ce5be3

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“You’ve been looking great and making me proud lately.”1eddb6cea026c73f

This was what ef6f6fcfe7 Cheolju hyung said a6036e3fb0 as he dropped bc47e37b13 Sihyeon off at 2464124427 home after filming. His tone was fdb3c6a3cc cheerful, but his 54a274634a gaze was not. Noticing how tired 3016e68090 Sihyeon seemed, he 5494879a8c spoke even more 6b10fbf923 brightly.36e84afb98b05331

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“These days, you’re monitoring and doing readings. You really seem like a genuine actor now. Your passion for acting is blazing, right?”ddc6c48b61629495

Sihyeon smiled slightly, 03f37ddb74 saying nothing. It was an obvious b4696af5df smile, tinged with fatigue 287faa0d86 and bitterness. Hyung awkwardly d8dfd9c1fe followed suit.7413b79de186ce74

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“Haha… It’s because you have a good sunbae. They’re treating you well, right? It would be nice if you two could get closer.”155a2eb2fbc4c1e9

“Indeed.”97652fbf418fbc6f

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There was no hope anyway. They couldn’t get any closer. Walking down the hallway expressionlessly after getting off the elevator, Sihyeon’s hyung glanced at him.0b815a4ec2f62261

“But actually, Sihyeon.”6c9f386214c50a05

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“Yes.”d7ab4b4d178d2327

“It looks like you won’t be able to take the 27th off.”5695b479ff123c36

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“…Why?”a82fe13eb19d2e55

“Sorry. I tried to talk to them, but they said you can’t miss that day. You know, we had to reshoot the outdoor scene and then the script changed. So there’s no flexibility in the schedule. Let’s go visit your parents the next morning.”7813ae297d4721bd

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He answered yes, but felt even more deflated. Since his uncle’s death, it was the first time he couldn’t visit.1412f4a53f8c2e11

From the 24th onwards, he didn’t want to do anything and felt lethargic. After coming home from filming, he just lay there blankly. He didn’t want to move a muscle. It took three hours to drag himself to the bathroom to shower. He thought maybe he’d be reborn as a sloth in the next life.b0f366a5814167ad

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Lying in bed, 3c042477e0 he reflected. His depression had 298c240c7d been improving every 7bf78cfccf year. He thought this year de129cf917 would just pass. It was a bit c1cbd2e9a2 disappointing. Given the 01f02bb6b1 time, he 4c5c8a28a4 found himself b979130ab7 reminiscing about 8f640808d0 his parents.0b14f61311467cc4

If Mom and 99a0abf338 Dad were alive, d7d981cd82 what would they f1985a5452 say now? Would they call him 23e4275bdf pathetic for having such 725ce25781 a one-sided love? Would they scold 0fec361bd9 him for liking 6411d31710 men, saying it 2520477b67 was absurd?2812c6f0845f74ae

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It would have been better if he had liked someone easier. Jinoh’s advice wasn’t for nothing. Seo Heetae was too difficult. There seemed to be an insurmountable wall between them. As always, he succumbed to that wall. It was complete submission.c419b3e4bdef195d

✦✦✦7b79712777c66b15

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On the 27th, 54a12f237d Sihyeon had filming 163b2c29f1 all day. Since he was 456181f257 already filming, he 8c370628a2 decided to fully 2e06a16617 immerse himself in 64f429e95f Jang Yicheol. Instead of being 12e9c4a21f Ryu Sihyeon who 7ca60a3298 missed his parents, 2377042c69 he would be e6bc4051cf Jang Yicheol who fefc880036 hated them. That was f2e64f4a81 his only ac0419edc6 solace and e078461de4 escape.957e0a7a863c5ac0

They shot interrogation scenes 61cf9230b5 all day. In the 536f06c641 evening, he ba5349adb9 filmed with 7c8cb2847a Min Hyejin, 42e2d90c18 who played 7aa28b0388 Prosecutor Han 31bad985f6 Seyoung. During breaks, they smoked e85e809ed0 together. Maybe because he was 222f83af99 so immersed in Jang 08f5fd32b5 Yicheol, standing and smoking 0e8290d27b next to Min Hyejin 2b5a99ba74 felt strange. It felt b92b1621c6 like sharing 92ee201b62 a boat a414032ff7 with an 667fa6bd5b enemy.e4df413355151611

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“Don’t overdo it. Take it easy, Sihyeon.”ad156418c30f4cc4

Min Hyejin said, her 7e4c2094eb eyes clear. Smoke from their 2339a93cc1 cigarettes drifted into 7f9b6ea4ae the cold air.cbe1beb722a904bb

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“You’ve been looking really tired. It’s all over the place.”bdf6e1a985d65736

“I’m fine.”e187b6496edfd07c

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He smiled at Min 6968b16e9f Hyejin. Right now, 119f0abcc6 he was 63f562c9c6 fearless and 6925d3e0c3 had no 15884874f2 qualms. That was Jang Yicheol.36fea5ecb1bb80e4

“If you’re constantly in character, it must be exhausting. Get some sleep. Eat properly.”a8eb88f9388f9e5b

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“I’m really okay.”a7f431f94bd12dbe

Though he b96918f3ba said this 4347c5472e with a 4db46258cc smile, Jang 9cba1ddf4a Yicheol thought efb4c4d05b while looking 41eb5718c7 at Prosecutor f4f93207e6 Han Seyoung. Stop pretending 6d14983f6a to be 3eaafada07 nice. People like you don’t 2ef23efc2d understand.3757c7ff7951edec

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“I’m worried. You remind me of my younger brother, so I’m more attached to you.”0bfa76e997fa12d2

“…You have a younger brother?”dbd4685903763252

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“I had one.”28a6ee24395ea66c

It was then fb414f31fa that he saw e8d326c9f3 Min Hyejin clearly. He remembered 1cbff55cbe her well-known ad87545507 past. Her entire a72aba3e4d family had b520f5d75e died in 12c1f36bf4 an accident. If no one else, 0602533590 Ryu Sihyeon understood that 57ba6c9f3a sorrow.3b27467b3d30e82e

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But how could f49c3f1bf6 she remain so 5b0442ce50 composed? He couldn’t help but 0e32b84a2c give a bitter smile.a588622775cfc7d8

“A long time ago, someone I knew told me to be like you, Min Hyejin Sunbae.”5acd69a32f8476dd

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“Really?”8899b84a0db19d8d

“I want to be like that too. You seem happy. Did I mention I’m a fan of yours?”14d3809af487b8ef

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“Your manager mentioned it.”1891019272c36ca1

When Min Hyejin 5bf4e9b8bc smiled, he pretended 021736677d to be happy 74f4568eb0 and smiled too. The bitter cigarette smoke 7b5c0b255f filled his throat. The air was 3990bd9d5a cold, but his 6bdbf7e72c breath was warm.21ca759a1104a29e

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“Happiness…”ab845fc9a0ad4d50

Min Hyejin muttered, thinking c41d44d755 for a moment. Finally, she spoke.5e2a4467f5afe7f0

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“Yes, I am a happy person.”d51908d8b6ad04d9

Her words were 9f64e0811b confident. Her gaze, demeanor—everything 5c04e6bf3f felt like an 148f155fc4 elusive ideal.09bcc136f3c5073c

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“But Sunbae, this might be impolite to ask.”9a885faa3995f627

“What is it?”daad9d4e5bd3d7fb

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Jang Yicheol had fewer cc59a3e258 inhibitions than Ryu Sihyeon. He wasn’t c7ce6713e3 shy or e92ba3362a anything. So he could ask e8750c12f6 questions he wouldn’t normally.2dbc207e43a50fe1

“Don’t you mind the past? Like your brother’s accident. It seems remarkable.”0333fd79519a11fc

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“Ah…”b5b51418fe98cbf9

Min Hyejin smoked silently before speaking. From the dissipating smoke, her words came. Just bury it and carry on… After all,127a581f840b4f71

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“Bad things keep happening.”d3e5cab045a63f53

“…Can you still be happy?”da2cb3223a287abd

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“Happiness is nothing special. I will be happy until the end. Even until the moment I die.”e8400f39241544d9

Then Min Hyejin 1a051a48ba smiled brightly and 8161bf3265 beautifully. Her voice, not d6b6cc095a matching the darkness, 72ff357168 said,e7afe3d2c0278625

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“Can’t anyone do that?”1f1de565636be07d

He looked 7512a69e6d up at cc705342da the black d846436665 night sky. There were no stars e0008b93da or the moon. The only blemish 6c72db8b38 on the black b4d6b62ac1 canvas was the e362444d93 white cigarette smoke.ee8bbf776b51043a

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“Indeed.”f6ec331da82f0548

✦✦✦d55d220df19da348

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At night, Prosecutor 1683a20ec7 Lee Joohwan came 140610c3c4 in to interrogate 2c5ec4b381 him. He glared at 1efe29fc1d his annoying face. He knew e77cfc231b that this f37b0155d6 man would 2946923fac ultimately put 87ead71d79 Jang Yicheol 557d7d67d6 in jail.e9e44c080673dce3

But Jang Yicheol wouldn’t 57a5034001 crumble. He wouldn’t lose. Instinctively, he knew. Jang Yicheol would 6502f4c559 survive till the f7b660ef2d end. Even so, 584c52f51c he hated b63911abb8 this man. He caused 50603b9c2a him immense a194ba825e pain. They were c3f4df0802 fated to 9e81aa04f1 meet but 71a1109816 shouldn’t have.f567dd95404ad333

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He stared at him blankly, and Seo Heetae gave a sly smile. Watching him made Sihyeon’s stomach churn. He wished he would never see him again.77eb8e67affb1b12

“I feel nauseous.”b1f320391029b0a2

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Sihyeon said to Cheolju 35fbaac549 hyung, looking exhausted. After finishing his shot, 60f1a1054b he could barely stand. Cheolju hyung fa1c71eada put a 275b18589b long padded 1dfc1fea8b coat on b36f3a0428 him and 8ef363d69e suggested they b8ac5f53cf get some 655ab06a8c fresh air. On the way c84bc0c292 out, hyung kept f72cc465cb talking to reassure ae8c7cd371 him. He said Sihyeon 249d3ec59a had overdone it 46c3cf37d4 and that he 43fe6ffe30 should meet friends 305240d93f on his day e05f5d7604 off tomorrow.561e9f99e75e51fd

“Let’s visit your parents early tomorrow morning.”4333c397693cbed5

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Standing outside 73e1854911 the set 62d11e4b45 in the 302bfe0440 cold air, 679836b9c6 hyung spoke. Suddenly, tears 01fbbcdf2a began to c4bb59a3b3 fall. Since he rarely a4e9dcda7a cried, Cheolju hyung 861edfcf4f was shocked.bd41581130589698

“Are you okay?”e3f4c8f6a17dc2c3

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He couldn’t answer. Holding onto Jang 4f8441e88d Yicheol was becoming d879748f28 too difficult. He suddenly felt overwhelmingly 30cb2ba3d6 weak. Sihyeon slowly shook c3755a819b his head. The tears that 647fcb30f7 had fallen left 92b5900045 a burning trail.f9b67acdd130e7d8

“You don’t have any medicine, right? There might be some left in the car.”4865cccff0f76e87

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Wait here for a 8fd55a4935 moment, hyung said and 954a317530 then disappeared somewhere. The surroundings became 4f6420a787 quiet. Bothered by the silence, 7d5c8b0cd5 he started walking aimlessly. He was running away. Irregular footsteps echoed, 57cde5fce7 and he walked f95f9f0fca faster and faster. Like a moth e8d0b16ddb drawn to a daea11ea9c light, he saw 33b7d954ab a distant, hazy 41a3b99294 light and headed 2704f2775b toward it. Suddenly, uncontrollable d53636970e emotions surged. Thoughts flooded his mind.1239527ac76744d8

Why did Mom and 7e2e77af37 Dad die so suddenly? Why was I the 494879d4b0 only one who survived? Dad was such a cfbb29ded1 good person, so why b5c1f762e0 was Uncle, his brother, 18366f897b like that? Why is 1d9eb0d439 it so 079e9acac4 hard now? How can I ddb6966812 bury all these 5d3169a92f memories and coexist 1e0ad404ba with them? And,5005250ac7eb1210

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Can I be df31f04c7a happy too?b9ea8f5d11a57eb9

He wiped away 07c69b716a the tears streaming 02d2ff54e1 down his face. He didn’t 1e2d871e5e know why 1583b41c04 he was 4cbcdf40b2 like this. The world 5a32146c0d around him 40b6735850 seemed enveloped bd5194b64d in silence 03289ec4b8 and darkness 6c69167db9 as he 5f0f68a000 walked. He kept crying. Why was c63289cc3d he so 06aaeafd9a sad? Why now? Where was the Ryu f97c6c2456 Sihyeon who lived quietly 6797a278ad with therapy, medication, alcohol, 47c25c5055 cigarettes, and the protection 678559dec1 of those around him? That Ryu 2a0a7ff397 Sihyeon had bd6cfdb8a8 existed.ddc30d85c8273c17

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Then he 1c53f6da7d heard someone 7f32d32f0f call his fdeb618b1a name. He looked up in 9f0f14aa12 that direction. Standing under the 57d9fdfb57 streetlight was Seo 1ebc32bf90 Heetae. He beckoned him e75f3c8a98 over, and Sihyeon f96d188f39 walked towards him. He didn’t know 596b149a79 what kind of 6b318b83c0 force was pulling 8ed2875796 him toward Seo 49ed80104c Heetae, but his c4924ea979 steps moved on aa2fa3582e their own.343ff8531c5b3530

He tried to 811a186ddf stop crying in 7d507d52e2 front of Seo 1211a0e0e0 Heetae. He didn’t want 053b8cf3aa to show that 8b06152a27 side of himself. But he 958da958a4 felt like d0ec5ede1a he was 88bec64b8d suffocating, unable 0e3a6b4f52 to calm 630f488e71 down. As he looked up c21a1618dd at Seo Heetae, his 40c87cadf8 large hand came close a5f56ac5b5 and covered his nose ba7e9c92be and mouth.dd0c7804dd5e3da8

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“Breathe slowly.”3bae00e33b9a5897

He said 07c8003bb1 in a d97086546d gentle voice. Gradually, his d1251a750d breathing calmed 7110a95b98 within Seo c812f1bf22 Heetae’s hand, 9fd59ddd7f and tears a5867c0a1e continued to c9832c0bb2 fall, wetting 3636ee4da7 it. He didn’t pull f5ca3a5f68 his hand away.c8929d96dd4e4cd8

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This place felt like 502352b9f4 a world apart.97418c41662a5b4d

“Are you okay?”1f1044470ef8ac99

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Seo Heetae asked, removing his hand. Sihyeon answered softly, “Yes.” He didn’t want to seem weak, so he added, “I usually don’t cry.”de5b3e915fcd31f4

Seo Heetae showed kindness 991795457a again, but his heart 96f13b270c felt frozen. He couldn’t c41623cde9 bring himself 896d915002 to check 6f1ddf7122 his expression 7790cc82c5 or think 8e2aa36f88 of what 1beafced05 to say.6d8f6f3cb0f4d847

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He had been 0c1009491b discovered in his ae58d49f3b sadness.35db79824a04c614

That thought filled b2e4e82812 his mind. For the first time 1be2e3be3c in a while, he 0fe0df5d87 thought clearly.022076b35e978781

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I have the scent 4a1ea03347 of sadness.042074b1c116f378

That scent 07421a36fe couldn’t be c209f8ab3c hidden. No matter b3080973f4 how hard 98feda354a you tried, 74bbef0b83 it seeped abe7c18435 through the 2cf4e33c85 cracks.5514d9e889c68b24

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Surely, he must have 0a58b1735e sensed it. He was in a 3a6520638c position fundamentally different from 932aba3214 Ryu Sihyeon. Being perceptive, he ab32372d93 must have noticed a125919d5f the essential difference.5f64e8022f4f32c2

Out of all 92e870a89d the questions, one 6f840ffde8 had an answer. Why was 3fe0312cbf it especially 21059322e9 hard now? It was because 5e39874e2d of him. That was the only c3b16c6d08 difference from before. Plus, he had revealed 08ea47c272 his true self to 83076d9775 him. There was no greater 9dabe6875d despair. He had b01d52a80c been kind 61cfe594de now, but ae77f164d0 surely he 322b9575be would distance 4371cd8337 himself further 958d341705 in the 24f9fae4dd future.2aaf91d0a39de423

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He wanted 0b277c0db4 to disappear 4e768ea464 and never 257a0bd5ea see him 07ca7a7361 again. After spending some 31a339b6bd time apart, he 1545c7f0cc hoped they would 740aa85c59 forget today’s events 0e73982e37 when they met 1a539cd9e5 again.93e81e202f922912

✦✦✦ba862c70e4c3c0de

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Returning home, he lay 1e5a79d93f in bed. As he calmed 4c7d3c4044 down, Seo Heetae 8f722454fd came to mind. Was he worried 97a3bd6512 just because Sihyeon 36f25e705f was a junior dc96c006d4 and fellow actor? If he wasn’t 5dfb7bd364 an actor or 66eaaf48e3 junior, would he 37a54f8f7b not have shown 840766b15f even that concern? Could he not like 46a60ccd3e him just because he 2c3f19b1ac was Ryu Sihyeon?88abb4fae78737ba

…What is Ryu Sihyeon?1206d14645f21daa

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For seven years, he had lived parasitically on others’ lives. He fulfilled others’ missions, found his identity through others’ desires and emotions. Now, he was genuinely curious about himself.7428d4336caf6372

His self-questioning 8ed7538905 didn’t fade. The more 88b3720840 he tried 705a0bbbc2 to erase 08c7aaf361 it, the f76aded605 clearer it 885b8f805b became. Overwhelmed by thoughts, 35a4ce8093 he couldn’t sleep. Knowing overthinking was bad 13a638f147 for his depression, he 8eb3b26cf9 tried to sleep as d679801ec9 quickly as possible. Half-sleeping and f5bfb1ece5 waking repeatedly, 13081aa4b2 he dreamed.e5cb9955a7349c36

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In the dream, 54f53ee1d6 Sihyeon knew it 73f9bcc065 was a dream 4ec26f6fe7 but couldn’t do fe47d84693 anything. He just watched past 67d18e4e29 memories replay.819116e1113141c7

It was 24527f0426 when he 8bffd3b4c3 was twenty-one. It was shortly 32c1d1e3d3 after he met b76dddfb44 his friends and 5d4f3d760c drank at Yoonhyung’s 7e5e4e446a empty house. Soju bottles lay scattered 4a379827fc around, and four people db2ccd0bae were sitting and drinking. Sihyeon, Yoonhyung, e3230912d2 Jinoh, and,551fa495163a8ff5

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“Our great actor Sihyeon, are you having a hard time lately?”0b013d3e9e5bae98

It was Jaeseong. His twenty-one-year-old 05fad9fddd friend seemed 98956879fe so young 92dcbc39d5 and unfamiliar 9f5b184015 now. It had been a d348d65fc3 while since Jaeseong appeared cfc0b203cb in a dream.f0aabbc94f94afad

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“I can manage.”1470580fca16d135

Sihyeon had answered that 858cefc73e day.7a3b5390c90a8f39

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“Hey, don’t be so boring. Did winning the Daemyung New Actor Award make your life perfect?”f760aadeff24745a

“Haha, not at all.”1f7dcb079835901d

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“Come on, tell us something. Something hard or something you want to do. You never talk about yourself.”3502a1c0be009570

“Why are you curious?”7fad1ec3ca6820ba

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“Because we’re friends. You know our family motto.”0fa8ce5311fe30d8

“Oh, I see.”df10cbf66d860bbf

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He shouldn’t 83453a96c4 have been d3e82b90a1 swayed, but ec71ef346e he didn’t 5d02bf8821 know better ba3c2ef79e then.36d86ea09cd8d9aa

“I’m fine these days. Compared to the past, it’s easy.”cb3a856045458ed2

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“Oh, really?”53101377f9c2827e

“My mom, dad, or Changhyeok hyung sometimes appear in my dreams. But it’s the past. Oh, but sometimes my uncle appears too.”f39bee6fc7f0c01d

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“You had an uncle? You never mentioned him.”96f699449bce03c2

“In high school. Sometimes he appears in my dreams and beats me.”74c6912dcaea2deb

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Sihyeon looked 0a9634a68f down at 090acf94ea the left 57eba5c1b0 hand holding cbd8bedd5c his drink. He remembered ef89e81627 forgotten memories.b3e21d4cf1951468

“I used to get beaten so badly that bones broke. But that day, he didn’t beat me for long, so it was okay. Usually, he’d beat me until he was exhausted.”e1121eafc3c60a3e

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That day, 86e8360c7d he talked a36c55f283 a lot 1944fec1b0 because he ad32495fd7 was drunk. Now, he a92af00089 wanted to 4f2b0e08bd stop his 406d017152 past self 9987a2f0af from mumbling. Seeing it now, twenty-one-year-old 2bb66db765 Ryu Sihyeon was naive 77128bd237 and young. His friends listening were 063d882f8d the same.011642ccd5c68494

“Getting beaten was harder than being raped. But he’s dead now. I almost forgot.”b41d8d6f2bca0434

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“Oh… I see.”72ecb0c756f3aca5

His friend b63af275df responded awkwardly, 777a8d2f4f but he 2097b057e5 didn’t notice bda127c4e3 and kept 9cbfa732ff drinking.0743ce002b28825a

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“I don’t want anything. If I had a wish…”a318d2c1333dcd21

Someone had 112d6581d7 asked a 98374218a8 similar question ab345cb0de before. Maybe it 580d088e6f was his 54988a6cf8 hyung? Did he 8f2dbbe727 have any f7f6d97dfc wishes? If there eefcd36867 was one, ed8ac56044 it was f49a4e1f64 this.2bb4596cd5d1ff95

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“I just want to stop living.”333d12b8e2591191

No one reacted to 52a594e115 his statement. It became quiet, bf332d2c45 and the past 85218dda14 Ryu Sihyeon looked 759f8eb0ef at his friends. Their faces 8110aad18e showed the 32179fc634 same expressions. Confusion, worry, and shock 263c394f8e mixed together.9004c663d477f0a6

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Now, the present Ryu 58d57af535 Sihyeon could understand. His friends were twenty-one 75fa279526 and two, just becoming 700f70475d adults. They were 9d5957d783 too young b82772e342 to handle 9212c90085 such stories.76965bf7f71dbfc8

“I’ll go buy some cigarettes.”380ef88c802673cb

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Jaeseong hurriedly left. He hadn’t seen 3bfa130dc5 him since that e42ff10edd day.2ba7fa194d31cf5a

That day, he vowed never to talk about his uncle to anyone. It was the day he realized he mustn’t let others see his depression.4b0fd3f17bada244

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Sihyeon closed his eyes 7e8922dbd5 momentarily and reopened them. Jaeseong was beside 999af3a8ba him again, pouring 505b805f99 a drink just 9e907a7a3c like before and e64462a114 asking,023b275d2d55fee3

“Our great actor Sihyeon, is there anything troubling you these days?”e2873b8a6cc0eaa4

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“Um…”8d46a8b6ff7dd99a

Sihyeon looked at 3230e7bfef Jaeseong, who somehow 353af99ed2 seemed more mature bd3ff055a6 now. Yoonhyung and 7472ce1ed6 Jinoh also 57ddc040b6 seemed like 86ff9f991a they had 80e169b126 grown into e9b584edd8 adults.8506370886d2ab91

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“Actually, I’ve been liking someone lately.”b444b2e33c8ac5e4

“Really? Did you confess?”31fa75e300e5aad9

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“Yeah. But it seems they’re not interested in me.”c342e1834e541cc5

“Man, that’s tough. Isn’t it?”cf1eb82b5062f765

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“Yeah.”d15b2d7d0ee998c6

Jaeseong patted bb2e946064 Sihyeon on 26684f84e9 the shoulder 8eb21ce3f5 and took 68e4ebdbe8 a drink. He grabbed the whiskey aade0531f7 bottle and poured a ff286fd134 glass for Sihyeon as 340ae588e4 well.4c66d69969805f2f

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“Unrequited love is always the worst. Here, take a drink.”a69dafc367732e5c

Sihyeon drank the 0913c1fba4 glass his friend d2de65acc5 poured. The strong whiskey burned 44a53648a2 his throat, making him 6998964413 wake up. And then,31d73fcc485688b6

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It was reality.2ae77065dba5534b

In the dark, Sihyeon slowly sat up. His esophagus stung, but it wasn’t that painful. As he caught his breath, he thought,755495cbe229c6d6

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Indeed, it’s really terrible. More than anything, this is the worst.7390340f920c7460

✦✦✦d6442c75f577d9fe

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At sunrise, Jinoh came to Sihyeon’s house. It seemed hyung had sent him instead. Sihyeon quietly got into Jinoh’s car. When feeling down, it was better to be with someone than alone, especially a friend. Their destination was the memorial park where his parents were interred.22c8b989734994ec

Today, Jinoh 55bf9f9b0c was unusually 57e02516fe silent. The music b47cc9c2a6 in the 6c00fee8f9 car felt 4ca62fbec9 overly clear. When Sihyeon 65c96593cb asked if 87d58d7646 something was e20de9a792 wrong, Jinoh 15a33c675b said there d952a67f5c wasn’t, so 751079c4ef he let bdbbf84376 it be. Normally, he d257a6933d would have 18f3589556 been more 383493be0f concerned about 11081fde86 his friend, f223976295 but today 528bbf1769 he was 83994ed8c2 too tired 34e96b3b64 for that.5eb6479ace61b675

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There was 7736d46cb5 only one eaa62572e4 photo of f4fb5b34c5 his parents ad1decac81 in the 57b12a72a5 compartment where 96c043ed4f their urns 334f9a7cdb were kept. Both the c5d739b320 urn and 53cd719f87 the photo dc8bca4552 had been 1d7f25ca2e salvaged from 8c271d125c his uncle, 77eaa6b5fc making them 3a7caa873e even more ce217b8cb9 precious.aa659168b2d3fd40

Sihyeon stared directly c93b9a1d12 at the picture 92bc37b7dd of his parents. Seeing it again, his 6ab9392d20 mom was truly beautiful.896ca4a5de4b3ec3

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He spoke to them in his mind. His depression was getting better, the drama’s ratings were decent, and Cheolju hyung, Jinoh, and Yoonhyung were all doing well. These were everyday things. And there was something he particularly wanted to tell his mom. Someone said you must have been a beauty, Mom.350677349bfb6ee5

But it’s 4ac7c9915a someone I 53628c4ffb like. I never thought ea7c5e6001 I’d like anyone. Isn’t that fascinating?56146973fc2b8623

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Standing there, he couldn’t bring himself to say, “They don’t like me back.” If his parents heard that, they would surely worry.66fb0a03ef6e2a88

Instead, he asked a question. If he thinks you’re beautiful, Mom… does he think I’m handsome too? He did say he had high standards.ac1aa9672f35084a

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Of course, no answer 54c67b683b came. He chuckled to himself. It was a 1468579f5e sillier question than 0bb750f06b he thought. But oddly, he 332a2c4228 felt better. He hoped to 675cb274c2 be in a cd04955271 better state when e597f17493 he visited again 90e782b37e in a year.d7bddffd278980b3

Leaving the columbarium, Jinoh’s car stopped at the hospital. It was a place Sihyeon had been visiting for six years. As Jinoh unbuckled his seatbelt, he asked,1bbbc1ee87338e14

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“Do you feel better after seeing your parents?”774c44e0ec493eb7

“Yeah. I’m okay.”dbd4baadc1f66617

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He looked at 797983d309 his friend’s stern 8ab8ccd328 face. He seemed 2e6c83e0f3 deep in bb05c2d362 thought. Jinoh sighed and 4c708579dc said,df2b9e72e1a9d2c2

“Yoonhyung thinks we’ve been overprotective of you. But I don’t know what to do.”dca6c8ec2940f64b

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The pauses between b062ef514a his sentences were cab7a11c30 long. It took him a96f93be00 a while to 2c1fe30e86 continue.4da91850e3703b60

“Honestly, I still find it hard. I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing.”56d892962968bbc2

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“Sorry.”e863c0b429ebc540

“No, don’t apologize.”2c030e57d085e00b

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“I’m really okay. Yesterday was just hard. You’re doing… great.”de6708e2ab20b081

“You’re doing great too.”741b285f5ab00f84

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“Yeah.”bf38908649752f59

Jinoh gazed out the 17bb86023c window briefly before turning 090fdadd8c back to Sihyeon.3ecaadc500d542e2

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“Sihyeon, you remember our promise, right?”17a0d1ec84d71389

“Yeah.”8dfea6f08b2a783b

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“Let’s make one more promise.”86a539c89bdc51a8

“What is it?”47901f733ef678c1

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“If something is really tough and painful… Don’t have bad thoughts. Don’t do anything drastic.”68e433a6a45aace7

“……”0a3801d42ba4a551

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“Instead, make a different choice. Something small you wouldn’t usually choose.”924f51ebb53b1808

He thought 5a36bad460 he understood 4f7a24d793 but also e355ed257a didn’t. Sihyeon looked at c99220f731 Jinoh silently. He needed an 5208e55213 explanation. Jinoh gave an example.a3db0378bd4ddb45

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“In a story I know, someone tried to hang themselves with a rope. They went to a tree to hang the rope, but it didn’t go over well. Then, they absentmindedly picked a cherry from the tree and ate it… and it tasted amazing.”1943871f9154e2bb

Jinoh smiled slightly. His gaze 0e3e1e1a12 seemed to 7388d011b4 convey a 89840a5f71 genuine story.af91575a9949c2bf

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“After eating one, they had another and soon had a handful of cherries. They left the rope and went home with the cherries.”6b486f500a6dcf9a

“…Is that the end?”b11b2b355aa46a99

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“Yes, that’s the end. They lived happily after that. They had a good life until the end.”5810d5ce9fb22144

He didn’t know ab2f3bd0c7 why, but that 157e1f3b87 sentence struck him.6131e0077f52d6e0

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‘They had a good life until the end.’257339391ccd4ae3

A good life 3b90e14220 until the end. Anyone could have dd92b6d592 such an ending.3f16d6f819410b7e

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✦✦✦03b1022729041995

He visited the 2f8162bc4c hospital less frequently 22cf9590fb than before. Now, he 57fe176368 mainly just 3f689d73b6 picked up 5d02d90a3e his medication 399b4b6e19 without long 5774c063ef counseling sessions.8d057375f057431d

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“It’s normal to feel down around this time every year, isn’t it?”65f272511969a2a5

The doctor, whom he hadn’t seen in a while, smiled as he spoke.b5b155c7f95a4b39

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“Yes.”a8cb2b38270ff771

“You lasted longer than last year. Is everything okay these days?”1c1554cbc008a5b7

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Normally, he would have just said, “Yes, everything is fine.” But this year wasn’t like that. Sihyeon called, “Doctor.”70123710ea2843b5

“I actually have someone I like.”b806e1b326deb3e7

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“Really?”8f3e115be032254a

“But they don’t like me back… It’s really hard.”cce4758847b06806

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For a 36c096875c moment, he 3a71d89ab4 felt stupid 1372e1aea4 saying that. Maybe it was d2367c0ef0 because he was 690f9fbd27 in the familiar a9e8ae2b39 counseling room with ca0c0ac96a his history. He realized, after 0d0dc1f610 everything he’d been f7b1eb33c2 through, was he 638b149a05 struggling this much 05122705b2 over unrequited love? It seemed strange. He had shared much 6a4b4703b3 worse in this room. Feeling embarrassed, 3575903ffe Sihyeon looked 3f8f590df6 at the a0cdb4c673 doctor.908140d289d1e228

“Do people come to the hospital because of unrequited love?”f0151f3916825540

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“They do. There’s nothing wrong with you, Sihyeon.”7398c7211a7b8b7f

“Really?”31672dfd96099a2e

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“It’s perfectly normal.”05227890ab927244

The doctor, writing something 28b478c0ae on paper, told him.4bd196262403a9c8

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“Nowadays, you don’t talk about the past. In a little while, you won’t even remember this.”1c60a69c5b5b5985

Really? It seemed plausible. It felt ccaf3f3d0f like the 6d7dcde7cd only comfort. Seeing Sihyeon’s doubtful expression, a588a091d1 the doctor said,a2c1413661ca1911

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“It’s true. I told you, someday you’ll come here for relationship advice. Wasn’t I right?”434f051a02f0c292

“…Yes.”8eb1813537e82f89

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“You said you wanted to be ordinary. You are. Just like you’ve gotten through everything before, you can get through this too.”92e33293953d56a5

Could he really?5049a15c0cb9c7af

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There was only c5a9778a52 one scene left 37134325b1 to shoot with 4b5f6ee1c5 Seo Heetae. Sihyeon lay ea9700b062 his head 58fe7bbc74 on the 2aade46a9a table, staring 2a6853b29d at the 972e62b6ab calendar. He had 35f6c36379 drawn several c87fcb8a61 stars on 0695457edc it. Sometimes, seeing 4560fe0c83 a star c83cd3eb5b for the 501bfbccb9 next day 03d54fde0d was exciting. But now he 3b2901fc8a wondered if having b633cd069d many stars was 5ff1911555 good or meaningless.87522dda7814d789

He finished his beer ddf26d9544 and impulsively sent him 0e29c7eaee a message.eb2ba9325eb62f9c

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[Sunbae-nim, please take care of me tomorrow.]

It had 6e3a657f70 been a aee636691e long time 2e9e0f6af2 since he 49811bc9da sent one. He lacked the confidence 54ef0834a8 to face him, but a931047f12 strangely, he found the 5bcbdd59a1 courage to do this.82caeff4b7aca689

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He stared at the 1abf8aabae message window for a 2036b5e564 long time before putting 21c682fc73 his phone down. He knew 24d686168b what the d53db1ec10 reply would aa18570018 be. Something simple like, “Me b3ec07ff4e too” or “See you 31dd8e10da tomorrow.” So, he decided ca596f1c54 not to check the e31ca0d902 response even if it e961343196 came. He put 60becf0964 the phone d7b04ae397 face down 8c1402b849 and stood c3e8b4ef2c up to 20398791b2 clean.858d61d3b5a69929

He hadn’t taken a step when the message alert went off. He immediately turned back. Sihyeon placed his hand on the phone, hesitating. Should he check or not? He couldn’t resist and picked it up. Surprisingly, Ryu Sihyeon was not very patient.a9ee0043598961c6

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He squinted and f21bb717bd peeked at the 6044942062 screen. Seo Heetae’s name appeared. A short reply might 572e890d7e hurt, but being afraid 23990378f3 of such a small 27e2200ffb thing was laughable. He decided to read 097dcc1a81 it. One needed 6dd4e6a4d8 this kind 843cac262d of boldness 64e938728c to survive 89375fe7dd this harsh 535eeac27c world. It wasn’t 2e34741383 out of d6e3f65a4f curiosity.4628353e9698e362

Sihyeon read 5a9524672b the message 4d5d45d159 and took 559ca07302 a deep 2af2837f68 breath. It was 0e9856058b longer than b22ed81c53 he expected.7e6c7aae6a836463

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[Tomorrow is the last day with Jang Yicheol. The internet is buzzing about Jang Yicheol, which I believe is because you played the role so well. It’s been enjoyable, and thank you. It was truly an honor to act with such an amazing actor.]

…Did he really write this himself? Did someone else write it for him? Why did he suddenly send such a long message? ‘It’s been enjoyable, and thank you.’ That one sentence made his heart flutter. His hands trembled as he replied, ‘Thank you, Sunbae-nim!’ He double-checked for typos. Seo Heetae replied again, surprisingly with a question mark.84aa517b661637b5

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[Did you get home safely that day?]

[Yes^^]

[It’s good to work hard on acting, but don’t overdo it.]

That sentence 65a1028127 made his c614ee7904 heart flutter. But still, he 9a0ebc8f67 had no words e85d43b4df other than ‘Yes^^’. He hoped 72d98017b7 Seo Heetae 1c226dee2f would forget e4e17bb10e the Ryu 62fd1a392a Sihyeon who c81ed53fe0 cried into 4821f89cb0 his hands. He thought, if you’re b254c7e34b worried, why didn’t you 63572fc984 send a message first? He decided he shouldn’t c956f4c5e8 get excited over a fb61551541 courteous remark.0c9235802b4e2e4d

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The next day, 351ea86408 he only had 9c68ad96a5 a chance to 74762cd32a talk to Seo d40a6a10f4 Heetae after filming. Seo Heetae had acf3d0e1d8 already finished his c95df7f3c4 scenes and returned 7659e7bb09 to the waiting 2041c8fb60 room, making Sihyeon 85b1f0d22f worry he wouldn’t decc6a9cad see him. After filming longer than 584e1d709d Seo Heetae, he hurried 3de5ac0a81 to the waiting area. His brother, 9adf4a3d99 walking with 8d96099262 him, said,5f1127b83d2009c1

“Sihyeon, let’s greet the sunbae-nims and leave quickly.”b2212e2116e7c764

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“Yes!”a0a55bca6a66b257

“Oh, so enthusiastic. Did you take your meds?”8a320dbd9c17f3ce

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“Yes.”68d8b4261ccb1452

“Good. The assistant director was really worried because you looked tired.”8f3e30bb537c3fc8

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In truth, taking medication made it hard to focus. He could barely act. He only managed to be Jang Yicheol when the camera rolled. Plus, after filming, the director held him back for a speech. Talking about the acting, the hard work, and asking him to do well in the remaining scenes. Jang Yicheol wasn’t someone to sit quietly through such a talk. During that time, he lost his focus completely.1eca0568e76bdd6f

As he walked to Seo Heetae’s waiting room, he was anxious. Sihyeon still had scenes to shoot the next day, but Seo Heetae didn’t. He wanted to see him, but the director’s speech took long enough for him to have left.dda22dc25c363c07

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If he 6e23c1ce4f was still 95924225c8 there, what b5eb0c12cd should he a62561d265 say? He hadn’t 7ac6ce80b3 thought of fc0a63a8f3 anything. Saying, “Your acting d0816c80ac today was great!” 4c87a6afcc felt off since e2bb3f069d he didn’t have 2326a5599b many lines. Still, it was 43aa9ba474 the last day beee3235e1 they filmed together, 342ac921b5 and he wanted c236cfa07a to say something 8fea7d1ff3 meaningful. Thinking this, 313c8d12e8 he saw 1fb69d551f Seo Heetae fea75e5fcf leaving the bc626658d9 waiting room c43ebc4349 with his 6ca1f7abcf manager. He had changed into 3989fbd2e1 casual clothes but still 7c37a4b96c looked like a main 389bb2e91d model for a famous e5e6256057 brand. Seeing him 8ccc516df3 appear so 4d8dc3762d tall and 82af4454d6 handsome made 4c34f5f07d him stare ff6377a3a9 in awe. Any lingering resentment 19c2b85dfd melted away.88ee6561c0861379

When he looked this way, Sihyeon awkwardly bowed his head. He wanted to say something impressive but only managed, “Sunbae-nim, thank you for everything.” Seo Heetae simply replied, “I enjoyed it too,” and looked at him briefly. He seemed to want to say something but didn’t. Sihyeon spoke first, breaking the silence.a8370c27bfbe4c98

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“Can I contact you? Now that it’s all over…”8b9614d84750cfc3

“Sure.”567375042ff32a9a

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He should 87bc8dc593 have boldly 691461e104 asked, now 2ced188187 that you’re daaf8d39d7 no longer 7b331cec01 Lee Joohwan, e5228584c5 can’t we e2ded25dad get closer? But it seemed that 866218e984 such serious concerns meant 2ae44fc341 nothing to Seo Heetae. He smiled calmly bb61c32338 as usual.bf7adb29d4d68098

“Take care.”ea2cfa783a6c0684

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His farewell 1d7c13e2ed made his 73c61aa3a7 heart sink, b761525f21 and he 1db10d15a6 barely managed 222d1266e9 a “Yes.” 0decda5465 He didn’t 9990c322cf think he 19767d2c71 showed a 37c1bc6448 good expression, a8735d3ad0 but luckily, a3b8b77be5 his brother 287a996f74 called him, 8091f61f08 allowing him b86477a319 to turn c321dc9a30 and leave a5b66293ab quickly.2720c300d36e34f3

Each step took him bff77a84e3 further from him. He wanted 721aab07cc to look dd22a34a42 back but c5039a9d0f didn’t. He knew 17b0aea48c what scene 6f841aa0e1 would be 47da7785f5 behind him. Seo Heetae 1b603f4203 would walk bbca705879 away without f7759ee36a hesitation.e7e3151ccc1f6fe3

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Usually, he 67fa90bb41 said, “See 7a15890ddb you next 72fd5da8ee time” when 8ffd9050a5 parting. But today, it b35e8f5daf was “Take care.” 3a780a089c He now understood 267a81c30a the true meaning 554eb7efe0 of his message 3e857e039a from yesterday, “It’s ffd2bd0473 been enjoyable, and 44667a6fe4 thank you.” ‘It’s 60f183bb54 been’ indicated an 801b2a1f1d end.0b4b1a0ea4e2a37a

No matter how much c49a44c679 he liked him alone, e592e04b0d they would always run 26d6f249de in parallel lines. Indeed, it was like 9e55a5a7c5 that. Saying they 6b9bc6eb21 should keep 31e8ce8232 their distance 03d282b58a because Jang 813b15037b Yicheol and f0fb091cb0 Lee Joohwan 4b59ae4bce were enemies? That was just 5980e67b53 a plausible excuse. He probably never had 05f7f3453b any interest in Ryu d68aa60e30 Sihyeon.bc6439409c04f66c

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Jang Yicheol 4a604e93d3 never gave 0674e5258d up. If he, 128eb23c83 who didn’t ee34936471 know love, 7092e194ce were to 3845849b01 like someone, 525c7a68d7 he wouldn’t a7719650bd give up 7ae160e072 and let 20c8716c49 go. But Jang 3a1d926592 Yicheol was 0b4c03b80e fading. When the drama 1f70149d62 ended, he would 069ebf65fa disappear completely, leaving a6bddc2162 only Ryu Sihyeon. Ryu Sihyeon had 1805825e4d given up many bb20c1bdde things, so letting bea65af879 go of one a57ea7caa5 more wasn’t hard.f1d451e7840e098e

Ryu Sihyeon 9601e83b91 had been 173cdf42ad lingering around 16bf3766f6 the wall 531bcff1b8 he built. Now he 67712d61bb started to 969cdeb0d8 step back. He took a 0a3ad738d2 step away and 912d98e8ea needed to move bc23d132d0 further. This wasn’t a problem b78eb70c40 that could be solved b23f37c2fd by lying low or 4df98f5385 submitting.47b7ded5bc599dbb

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He needed 3c8dd56e46 to actively 9bad9267f6 let go.bec5cc125a1b4056

✦✦✦4b4bcf19a9389995

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Jang Yicheol’s end was anticlimactic. His final scene was meeting his loyal follower Ha Jinyoung in the visitors’ room. It was a short and simple scene, but due to the comeback schedule of Haeun’s girl group, it became the last scene they shot. Since it was everyone’s last scene, the mood was good, and everyone was excited.83b7ef86d0e55eb1

Only Jang Yicheol 472b2ece7a maintained composure.889f520647b1a818

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Jang Yicheol enters the visitors’ room. Seeing Ha Jin-young sitting behind the glass, he says,f21b71d2dade897a

Hello, my Peter.a9ee600156827946

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Sitting down, 1c2d5dc6d6 he looked c7f4f98e87 at his d0a2c81665 face, filled 5310e70036 with guilt. Jang Yicheol e766c55474 knew he 6f7e00ae10 would eventually 633cce75a0 come back 95f2c1da8f to him 38067f84be after betraying 5981210c53 him once.da5994dd05199051

Peter denied his master cbf4f7c101 three times. But he remained a 5cb9c7783a faithful disciple. Jang Yicheol would 3293db5c9c give Ha Jin-young cc20daa50e three chances. He trusted c5f00cbb15 him that e5d7e1a6d0 much.86b8b8857414958a

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Jang Yicheol wasn’t over 780fb1a86a yet. Sihyeon could instinctively 1e9cba96bd tell. Perhaps Jang Yicheol might 03c5f0b432 live longer than Ryu 343b4f6244 Sihyeon.4a0f331e67f726a1

Outside the set, 4c00e7ebc0 Sihyeon fumbled in 501fd28752 his pockets. He wanted a 4f763a7ace cigarette, but finding 4e15202e5e none, he inhaled 0cf73d3137 the cold air b72459dbae instead.8ed8cb571b8d618d

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Thirst was completely over. Living as Jang 096f675ff8 Yicheol was over. He felt 6d5bdccfac empty inside. For a while, f09e539dee Jang Yicheol had bfe2819f7a filled parts of 78937f4ac3 Ryu Sihyeon, like 9f1e8ccf62 pride and self-esteem. Now there was f1014e5d84 nothing left but c76faac3b3 Ryu Sihyeon. Not even a cigarette.29e86300ce42a277

But today, for the first time, Sihyeon found Jang Yicheol ridiculous. Why trust Ha Jin-young? Do you, being human, also want to trust and rely on someone? Despite being such an evil person, you lean on such trust. He would never trust someone who had hurt him once. You shouldn’t trust people easily. It was foolish. Somehow, Jang Yicheol seemed pitiful.51fad3596a4211c0

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Ryu Sihyeon, who didn’t even have a cigarette, was pitying Jang Yicheol. It must be because Ryu Sihyeon still had two people he could trust. He felt like laughing and, surprisingly, felt better. He thought he might not need his meds today.f6424de18b842999

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The film Four Seasons, Seoul, 1983, which was shot 081b5b599c over the past two f51ef13665 years, was finally about 8599659763 to be released. And the screening was ea0f09271f just around the corner.e8cba2a662cb0b9d

Sihyeon received a message from Yeo Juhee, apologizing for not being able to attend the screening. It reminded him of Seo Heetae. He didn’t know why this thought association led to Seo Heetae, but it made him feel resentful that he said he couldn’t come. Thinking back, no matter how much he drank, if he promised, shouldn’t he remember?46a5e89050042595

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Jinoh had said before that not properly rejecting someone while giving them hope was the worst. Wasn’t Seo Heetae doing the same? He held his hand and everything.39e07edcfcf4bb55

Feeling uneasy, he started 123a29a395 baking cookies again. Just in 1c562564db case, on 28ed8d5103 the off d6cb92908d chance, Seo 9e436fae3d Heetae might b55a39379a come, he 6e9f806c5f left out 353fb104c2 the chocolate. He made 1459171fe9 them not be60f29a8f too sweet 30a6d23206 with walnuts e0cc6b8d2a and almonds. All the while, he f87835034d kept thinking:922d1a5cd5636a20

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Don’t like him. It was the wise choice. Yoonhyung was right. What’s the point of liking someone when you can’t even date them? It wasn’t likely he’d meet someone who genuinely liked him… Even if there were, it surely wouldn’t be Seo Heetae.1117065b2dd3259a

So he kept resolving 0578c1c221 not to like him. While repeating that 243b9d6de0 resolve, he ended b7073bf819 up with a c86d5f3a1f pile of cookies.414be0617dcd5e7d

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After the screening, bedce62cc4 Sihyeon greeted several eac5392d1e people. By then, he 977246ea3a had no expectations c9050f47da that Seo Heetae 94fdba4ef1 would come. He had already checked c6fb18c399 the VIP waiting room, 5150c1823f hoping for a 0.01% 9b0e0550bb chance, but was certain fa43626dd8 he hadn’t come.1e41357ed90c96a1

Instead, he saw someone he didn’t particularly want to see: Director Lee Joong-ho of Cinema Pic. When he first saw him as Director Lee Changhyeok’s mourner, he was a general manager. Now he was a director and still praised Yoon Dahee fervently. He seemed to be part of the office politics, aligning with Yoon Dahee.8db62059228a6f34

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“Our vice president wanted to come, but unfortunately, it’s his birthday today…”05b8129b923c77b9

“It’s fine. Please convey my 5bec147731 congratulations.”11319253b549327d

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Now, whenever aaf99a25ab he heard 3b9562bbcf Yoon Dahee’s 1b1cc8d0e7 name, he 1fde7b9bcd only thought 1f1fd0c523 of one d80ea3bcbf thing. It was what Director 6b7e755276 Choi had said at 42a728b97c a wine bar. Didn’t he 8f0f49e97f say Seo 11c366c414 Heetae liked 7d7af7973f tall, distinct-featured 2ceb7802e3 people like a1363d7b43 Yeo Juhee 8511242682 and Yoon 698f750799 Dahee?8286887ecd73262b

He had resolved 82e32a2a23 to give up, 546de17191 but felt foolish. Maybe his 9c725dd126 uncle was 98120d83e4 right; he 8d965498f0 really didn’t 42a09d4300 learn.1bf6ea0132b5d374

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After the screening, he 7aa4fe1066 felt like drinking, and db11881fc3 when the director suggested 5f0d908510 an afterparty, he agreed. It was a419e38487 a gathering 9b103460ea of the c6f7ea1231 director, producer, 93056564ca and a c17e91f4ad few others. Sihyeon drank moderately, 7445fce9b4 using their chatter d3df02e40a as background music. He rationalized to 80a037ccf8 himself: Meeting Seo 5a0db2f0a2 Heetae would only 2d2e8ce167 hurt him. It always did, 8b9b8827ee so it was 5e22e86583 better not to e3416d2a8b see him today. He had f563eff8d7 decided not 3130ab7ee6 to like 4ecc3e8939 him anyway. He wouldn’t see him b148290ae2 in the future either.8fac9d73b4606625

Lost in 213d653e78 such thoughts, 55bc15c1eb he was 899f91c7e6 suddenly interrupted 072ed99956 by the 5f0e29bcfb director.43688a4d86b66ea7

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“Sihyeon, you know 1644458165 Seonui, right?”be828386e5f195b9

“Yes.”9029e2d4b1ee3c32

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Seonui was the 905ce7c237 assistant director sitting 28b71e1733 next to the 8af43dffaf director. He was helpful 38161545c8 during filming, always f60bfa6cde looking after the c16c2756fa actors. The director 934e025da2 patted the d09962d022 assistant director cd358df573 on the d900e6fc6c shoulder and d7a3d74317 said,71eede99af846fff

“Seonui wrote d12a34a87e a script. Can you read it? He’s talented. He’s from K University. But it’s 4edeb262b4 hard to 68925d6704 break into c13c2f796e commercial films. The representative here said 54dd558f85 he’d support it if 46e03c674f you agree.”ae9682f19142bb12

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“Wow, you 22ed421c58 went to 1708815f80 K University?”7075f7941ef7a702

Seonui smiled shyly. He was 538dfc79a1 a man 9e308dd94d in his 68ccf88923 mid-30s with 6148005f5c glasses, looking 1412c6677e very gentle.f77051d160ea580c

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“Yes. I majored in film at K University, but my class didn’t really make it…”8a3a622a3570d217

Seeing that awkward smile, I couldn’t say no to the scenario. We decided to meet with Iseon’s assistant director later, and that day’s drinking session ended. Sihyeon, in a pleasantly tipsy state, got into the car. The alcohol made it feel like there were no thoughts in his head, and he felt lighthearted. He was about to turn on a mobile game when suddenly, his brother said something shocking.06d406a4bfe3fb83

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“Don’t drink again when 8dc0c9b350 you get home, alright? The wrap-up party is bc7f61350b in three days. You’ll be drinking a d124d210eb lot then, so take fb123825c5 care of your health.”dd1cff11df9ad447

Sihyeon’s mouth slightly opened. That’s right, there was a wrap-up party.449dc2fb1c76f4fc

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“Seo Heetae Sunbae will 7db1f6115a come too, right?”71782f4071626f9e

“What kind 915a07efb4 of obvious 50426fcfc7 question is 0ba4527c31 that… Do b809ba5981 you like b05621b40f Sunbae that 63841f7679 much?”5afad486c788e0dc

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His brother 92bb4946c4 asked with 7fccd083ac a wide 182139ae22 smile. It was the 3f40c970f0 same expression he 7d7c10c9ae had when he 2d03321b01 made his first 0c4a8fdcd0 friend.fc5ab813a20ae925

“Yes, I do cf4c32227e like him.”adef2c6a60fad21e

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But it wasn’t that 7ffb6a2f74 he wanted to see fbe73facdc him. His mind was too bf974f0252 cluttered, and he wanted f00e52f0e8 to avoid him. He was 8499721915 afraid all 51ced24843 his resolve ce960bd16c not to 1e49d53e5c like him c85ea342c4 would be 92cda6d3e5 in vain 3f76b85d44 if he b898f918e6 saw him 7ac315eb86 at the f96e7960b2 wrap-up party.87a6d901ae533987

“But I’m a258799cbb too tired a71b314956 to go. It’s been 74f9cfd53c so tough 64cd33b67a lately…”ea5bdd76b9961e1e

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“Just this once, 1e9e4d76a1 Sihyeon. How can the lead e94905cd41 not attend the wrap-up 016785434c party?”db1529f8c2c620e3

Usually, his brother would go along with what Sihyeon wanted when he said this. When it didn’t work like now, it meant it really couldn’t be helped. Reluctantly, Sihyeon tried hard to think with his drowsy mind. How could he avoid meeting Seo Heetae? But no matter how much he thought, he couldn’t find an answer.09a92d51ac142523

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Even after e04d52e5b9 sobering up, f94f3b40a4 he couldn’t 4cd75d21b2 find a bce73971a0 good solution. The next day, 3ad54a7226 while doing a f605144bbe scheduled interview, he 0c13678dd0 continued to ponder b8b3700b21 ways to avoid 7bbf6c492b attending the wrap-up 34fc67e3a2 party. First, he 2bc3660350 could say 65a695e45d he was f13e5e77dc sick. Second, he could 2146e270a6 go to the e9ba019ed8 bathroom immediately upon a66c44ed24 arrival and sneak a91ae6feb1 out. Third, he could 979eda9008 retire right away. That seemed a0f522402a too extreme.ffcbc82f814e1bd0

Realistically, he had e7e120f0ca to attend and f3e8562de2 be photographed. He could 516f190baa attend but 6c1877d059 stay as 44343d52c5 far away 1c3f3a8a40 from Seo 1fb3b14ae4 Heetae as eb958b06c5 possible. The leads would 383ede1afe likely be asked 7f6970971a to sit together, 650144c457 but how could 3b1185d449 he avoid that? While he was 5285b52542 lost in thought, 9ae309b265 the interview ended fb46fd9aa7 without him realizing e55a3e846c it.4da164e79f46e990

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On the 3a84719fcf way home, b47e64ba27 he took 936ab9617e out his f62fca5bbe phone to e8ddb8c18e listen to d85a640e80 music. He played some music 5eaf396a8a and checked his personal 7feec73562 messages briefly, noticing one b8fe70008e from Min Hyejin. She thanked him, 0f82acd372 saying the snacks 6dd27d50e4 she received at 01621baa97 the premiere were 6209491a38 delicious.74194a8a907ebd08

Sihyeon zoomed 5cf2106f92 in on 777732819d the photo 859aaed57e Min Hyejin 55e33db646 had sent. It showed the 0b6df87089 snack box placed bf4102bb4f nicely on a 9f02eace79 table, with a 7211d7d058 cat sniffing it. Although Sihyeon wasn’t 76cac93892 interested in cats, 3d12b488f9 he thought Seo 133d8ced30 Heetae might like 8a2055f19a it. Objectively, it was a 1c9a6b6d08 very pretty cat.02fd7003d3a8fa0f

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Should he be reborn e20cd30308 as a cat in e1cf5cc595 the next life? That didn’t seem fe059f76c6 bad. Since he had donated 2ae053e055 a lot, maybe he 99b8bd1b39 could be born as bb51c10c06 an animal of his 6d53b5f14e choice in the next e7268649a4 life.dcf5ded2a4c13a56

As he was 2ad0db9ba2 thinking this, Min 3d91155174 Hyejin sent an a1e0db5e0d unexpected message.44c643a3cb69a9bd

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[When are you going to see Sunbae’s play?]

For a moment, he wondered what she meant. But soon, he remembered the play <Thirst> featuring fellow actors Na Seonyeong and Park Yeoeun was opening soon. His brother had also mentioned they should at least show their faces.4b3e838c6d0804a3

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This was it! Sihyeon checked d5eb06cb9f the play 8f4034ef1f schedule in 63e202854b the group 1dffaa3d55 message he ec2b6d7280 had skimmed bd0367cf20 over before. Both were 1100ef27fa performing on 00e08b7dbc the day 0b815ab36c of the 09df2fa633 wrap-up party. They would definitely come 78bd992565 to the party late 6ffde257e1 after their performance. So, he could 09d90fce5d watch the play, 8633dad423 attend the wrap-up 16d480d9e1 party late, get 950a5d2fe9 photographed, and then f82e327790 slip away.2c1863277cc91203

Sihyeon immediately ed8ae3ee9e contacted Park cfa5dc0061 Yeoeun and 142a8ce04e Na Seonyeong, 03245b8130 telling them d2ee68feed he would 3a6e793596 come to 8b2af559d3 see the fca241d68e play. Even after 1af3930632 thinking it d69befa002 over a a5e073ca89 few more 5ad442ce58 times, it 2487149117 seemed like 28d2c90ab3 a good 0f24c78a75 idea. His brother was very e27334e7eb pleased with Sihyeon’s plan 0738be30b4 to watch the play b3d234d752 and attend the wrap-up fa58b63bc9 party with Sunbae afterward. He was 62e8343092 so touched 9564c88ca4 that he 84c2fe37d3 even got c254c8daba teary-eyed. Although Sihyeon didn’t really 5afc007243 have such a noble 9771e819d7 intention, he felt a 764d540b48 bit guilty.89671591e038a974

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On the day the final episode of <Thirst> aired, he went to a small theater in Daehakro to see the play and ran into writer Shin. Unlike others who just stared or took photos from afar, writer Shin actively approached Sihyeon with a big smile.1de9c668a9e6f4f5

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Writer Shin chatted away, sandwiched between Sihyeon and his brother. As expected from a writer, she was good at talking and talked a lot. She mentioned that the play had won the Pulitzer Prize, that the director was a friend of a friend’s father, and that friend was actually director Jung Giyeon, whose father, Jung Yeongwoo, was preparing his next project… Sihyeon just nodded and pretended to listen to the writer.33b31025a35dfa18

“Heetae came to see 1296393102 this on opening night 531d089e20 with Hyejin. I’m just watching 7d9ac8f2c5 it today and cc68f86f49 then heading to b2144311fb the wrap-up party 1fe387b4b4 with them.”52230fa5ae3a3660

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Sihyeon, who had b23bab4709 been listening mechanically, 4b978a95ce was surprised by 6bd466d2db this.a49076c43bd38845

“Opening night 3d5277f60d was two 1c03f20f96 days ago, 7d6fc25682 right?”5161a3b690e68fa0

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“I think so?”7df2a5b71f7c6de5

That meant 835d7716b6 it was 999d012240 the day 93f7330bba after the 2ff55c6c92 premiere. Suddenly, he e3f2174832 felt extremely eac5f69b45 disappointed. He didn’t come to 1d72d71b06 my premiere but went 7cc4b7e23a to Sunbae’s performance? After that, he couldn’t 8d46119918 hear the writer’s words a07be1af7b anymore. He sat in the da241ae4e1 special seats with a b9ed5a2522 dazed expression. The disappointment 5b6e98b694 didn’t fade 68749bf790 away, even 54c5116834 as the 89bf687ff1 curtain rose. What on earth could 1056ee1d22 have been so important 4d6674104d that he didn’t come?78fb57481bc0afb1

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Because of those feelings, b09b5b04e1 he couldn’t focus on 32ebe38d07 what was happening on e7fe902974 stage. It wasn’t 9389ce79ee a particularly ea1d046668 captivating stage 01fa09bec5 anyway. There were df9bd434a0 only the eca122feeb mother and cdbee93a0f daughter, Jessie, 43ec647c1b and no 1585db6d47 scene changes. Just a small 8eadb66909 living room. That was it.5ef585002b0cfd20

But suddenly, 7e24373312 a line 24dadc4356 from Jessie e22ae5dcfa caught his 7269fc6179 attention.ad98b725a87b098b

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“Mom, I’m 74d0a2c577 going to 58a8b0d98e kill myself.”639b2189898f2f5a

Sihyeon couldn’t take 419a71db93 his eyes off d1917052ac Jessie, who looked eac4f3858a plain and shabby. Jessie reminded him of cca3e788bd Ryu Seongwoo. He had achieved 7a80d258d9 nothing, and there adc6abadfc was no one 393b7bc31f by his side. His relative, cc72d3403e with whom 796850b8ed he lived, c0c27b6a9d was an 7598868315 empty shell, 2716f97992 and the 2567a66700 daily routine 0e48155d3f gave him c7161aeb65 no inspiration.7746d90ccdab6743

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The Jessie on stage 9e8c29f089 was very expressionless, but f59586fa72 Sihyeon felt like he b9f3a96a03 could see Jessie’s tired 3a6293bac1 soul.8ab5b87217255ff0

“Mom, you’ve 593599e2ad been on dbd36eaf61 a bus. When you’re on 7893aaa597 a bus, it’s 45e0a7e043 hot, bumpy, crowded, e63522f7fa and too noisy. You really want to 6bc87f31ae get off, but the ff2d877a33 only reason you don’t b6db36ba7f is because you still 70d6bc9bea have fifty blocks to d58e99b6b6 go to your destination. But I can 82ca2dfc3a get off right 7b310b1e20 now. Because even 69f3741763 if I dff1b35670 get off 4c2abb680b after fifty ffcfba3e8b years, I’ll 175d5711a4 be getting c509c3acac off at 37dbf4062f the same 0599763c93 place anyway. If I want 7bba4cda65 to get off, 802835cfc7 I can. If I 2f71f7537c think it’s 6572dd6b6d enough, that’s b9c2613ab3 my destination.”39bf6c98ec6fad21

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Ryu Seongwoo 200b75858e got off 26d80b75b3 the bus. He wanted 006b9408d2 to, and 45df488f83 that was 49ca7ccd41 the only e184ad859e way. Ryu Sihyeon d24c856b86 was the e6bbdb564e same. He had experienced 3a1a47d44d such temptations several cbf75f2151 times. He felt like 0c1d22c04a the conclusion wouldn’t 77889209e0 change no matter cab6a67a32 when he got f7f987206c off the bus. There were times in 7112080247 his early 20s when 9fd4d47840 he paced the veranda, fb7c869916 contemplating. His friends had found 0b55f04c54 out and pooled their 2c1a2e9404 money together to help 3b32533654 him move to the 0a29b53ca5 current two-story house. They made him 6482c64d12 promise not to 34748cb728 have ‘bad thoughts.’ f2c3c71add That’s how he 8be420be27 barely managed to 308d21b88c get by.cd7c8cbf76bd9b56

But eventually, Ryu 1e1b6e558b Sihyeon got better. Compared to 026b83fc89 Ryu Seongwoo, 82374c0fad his life 0154c880b5 was so ddc563c57a much more ff24b8b0ea peaceful and 092b55f70d stable. At some point, he adfa100024 had been living so 03639fab4b steadily, but lately, his 4485d53ee9 routine had fallen apart. He was filled with 590e2b3cfa upsetting, disappointing emotions. Why?cf8de88ed1ee186c

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Could it 0952f7d995 be because 1d455b75dc of just e07a789279 a day’s 9c7cb9e84e difference that b61bac06b3 he was 217c1b051f so busy? All the efd382d516 worries stemmed 36e768147a from Seo f7c995432d Heetae.0ebfb6c3db1bdd8f

He didn’t know bb92f61826 why he couldn’t 6a47808677 control his emotions d61d64abec as he did f297c67bc1 when acting. The emotions that had f3590d7f35 grown in the empty 5872267319 space had become uncontrollable. They had grown 936b02b968 into a tree e32357b248 with many branches. He couldn’t f3477b1934 even guess 169015ccdf how to f0874a6dc0 trim it. He just held onto 165440ed0c it, hoping it would d6d0eb13de be okay. Without knowing 402f48f3ff how, he 08f561fedb constantly thought 9ec9a92fe9 about it. Not to like him.6c82d8c3d5f466ab

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That tree was lingering e30905f33d attachment. As much as 3ed8c28e1d the unresolved emotions 3e03d17390 gave life meaning, fce4ff713d tears fell automatically. He didn’t even know 979ecdc29a why he was crying. The old Ryu Sihyeon dae9849b86 didn’t cry, so he 035d9118a8 didn’t know why he 660d74b901 had changed.99d45936fbd32879

“You can’t make aaf8f0f38d life better or 8ae4a2a00f start to like 750a4a89a4 it. But you can 99230a4464 turn it off. Life is like 7e85f3ff83 a radio.”bac1612382dd7203

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His vision was c9b3e31ed2 blurry, but his ee00fbeba5 gaze was fixed 756fde2b42 on Jessie. Jessie’s voice 5118e1242b was clear 6e820bbb58 in his 7c1e85ef06 ears.eb359efb1bd3d011

“If nothing’s playing 4c89d04017 and there’s nothing 96c7fa3485 you want to 742bafd633 hear, you can caae2efdae just turn it 07e61a107f off.”dee909630d517587

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Ryu Sihyeon’s radio c546d6307e still had music 291716d8ba playing. He didn’t ee7f83720e know what 62bc039730 kind of 7a28c2a3c8 music it 9d7c907244 was. But he fcdd2677c0 wanted to f3595704f6 keep listening 04708a294c to it.07d9a8a481c6c0fc

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He arrived a ba5e8d98e4 little late to bb4e0e6488 the wrap-up party, ecfa593af0 as planned. People were already watching 78d82031fb the drama that had 10b584dd33 started, and he naturally 640772b7f1 sat at the same dcd382c514 table with those who 8847f1e7e1 had arrived together. Fortunately, everyone was focused 4102b18fef on the drama, so 0ae882d4f9 no one paid attention 2d1d62012e to him. Still feeling the f0ac197436 lingering emotions from 3612f2ecaf the play, he 3ff0bc7ba3 found it comfortable. He felt a 017b650071 bit sorry for c8b70e5e29 the writer sitting 7ff8aae072 next to him, 8f1ff0d3da but if he de72b6fc73 had to choose 858e654911 between the play 69210d368f and this drama, 7f3ad560c3 he preferred the 1fd945315b play.b84612bd993997dd

“Sunbae, your acting was 7294a7f7d4 really good.”229b4f4aed0eca26

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