AA Chapter 6 || Chicago, IL

Looking at the already darkening sunset landscape, Tennessee sighed. Chicago’s night view was so bright that it sometimes took one’s breath away.

Amber turned his head toward the window. Sitting quietly in this busy and noisy place, Amber showed none of the awkwardness or uncertainty typical of his age.

The boys Tennessee knew at Amber’s age were like that. Loud, always wanting to belong somewhere, and having something they’d stake his lives on. Friends, girls, sports, grades, and such things. Things that seemed important at the time but weren’t much in the long run – he poured all his energy and effort into these, and paradoxically, that’s what made boys of that age special.

However, Amber showed none of these traits. The only thing Amber had in common with boys his age was that he seemed lost. As if he was confused and full of chaos, not knowing where to direct his emotions.

Nevertheless, Amber appeared somewhat detached. Because he showed no interest in having family, friends, or lovers, there were times when Amber seemed unusually mature.

Perhaps it was because of what Amber had experienced in his childhood. Even wearing nice clothes, going to an expensive private school, and receiving lots of love from his family couldn’t replace Amber’s nightmares. They just piled on top. Tennessee could only hope that, like for himself and countless others, good memories would cover the despair until it became invisible someday.

“Let’s go.”

Although it was already late with the sun set, Tennessee decided it was better to take him even if it was late. Amber gathered his things to leave. They could eat dinner on the way.

As Tennessee moved to find his wallet and keys, the doorbell rang. It wasn’t time for visitors.

Tennessee took out his gun and looked through the small lens outside.

“Who is it?”

To Amber’s question, Tennessee chose his words carefully. Then he opened the door first. It was Caylen.

“Long time no see, Tennessee.”

Although Caylen didn’t know his place, she stepped in without hesitation or restraint. After all, there weren’t many familiar places for her and Tennessee. Kuala Lumpur, Kabul, Baghdad… They were all foreign lands.

“…Oh?”

While taking off her coat, Caylen discovered the boy staring at her.

“You… you’re Amber, right?nYou’re much bigger than in the photos!”

Caylen greeted him cheerfully, but there was no expression to be found on Amber’s face. Caylen looked between Amber and Tennessee, then put her coat back on.

“Then I guess today won’t work?”

“No.”

“When would be good?”

“I’ll contact you.”

Caylen’s brief answer was sufficient, so she left as quickly as she had entered, like a storm.

Clearly, a woman had come in and spoken so casually with Tennessee before leaving, but Tennessee didn’t say a word about it. Tennessee finished getting ready to leave as if nothing had happened.

“Who was that?”

“Someone I work with.”

“Someone you work with…”

Then Amber’s eyes widened. A drawer buried in his memories opened wide. Amber remembered Caylen’s face. It was hard to forget. She was the woman who had first awakened the feeling of intense jealousy in Amber.

In Amber’s memory, Caylen had long, soft brown hair flowing freely. And sometimes she would tuck her hair behind her ear and fiddle with the ends while looking at Tennessee.

“That person, she’s the one from before, the one we saw at the club.”

Tennessee hadn’t expected Amber to remember her. Unable to hide his surprise, Amber asked,

“You told Megan to ban her from the club. How did you meet her?”

“Let’s go.”

“Tennessee.”

Amber anxiously bit his lip. Following Tennessee, who had already gone through the front door, Amber asked again.

“What kind of relationship do you have with her?”

Tennessee’s back view going down the stairs was mesmerizingly striking. As much as that sight was attractive to Amber, perhaps even more so, Tennessee was indifferent.

“Whatever relationship I have with that woman is none of your business.”

After saying such things, Tennessee waited for Amber in the stairwell. While pushing people away with words, his actions weren’t actually so heartless. At least to Amber, he was that contradictory.

“C’mon.”

It wasn’t like Tennessee lied to him, so Amber couldn’t probe further. Whatever he did with women, whatever relationship he had with men, it wasn’t his business. Reality was painfully cold.

Still, ‘I’ll contact you,’ he said. How does that woman approach Tennessee so easily when I don’t even get his number? She even knows this address.

Amber stopped abruptly. Tennessee hadn’t changed. He was still just as heartless. At the same time, Amber remembered that with Tennessee, demands worked better than questions, and tantrums worked better than demands.

“I don’t want to go.”

“What?”

“I want to go tomorrow, take me tomorrow.”

Tennessee checked the time. Seeing his clear moment of consideration, Amber quickly moved to persuade him.

“I want to go with loud music playing, eating snacks, and sightseeing. Just like the old times.”

“We can do that now.”

“But it’s too late now.”

“…”

Amber sensed immediately that he had won. If he was going to be like this, he shouldn’t act so stern. He was clearly weak to Amber.

When Tennessee opened his eyes in the morning, the first thing he saw was Amber shining brightly. His joy was visible enough to see it rippling. Looking at the table, there was a road trip snack pack that Amber had put together. While Amber was gathering various things, there was so much luggage that Tennessee wondered why he hadn’t woken up. On one side of the table were receipts and change. He had used Tennessee’s money to buy snacks from nearby.

“…I’ll pay you back.”

When Tennessee stared at the receipt questioningly, Amber apologized in a slurring voice.

“No need to keep the receipts in the future.”

That wasn’t what he had meant to say.

While Tennessee was showering, Amber cleaned the house. Although it was originally a spotlessly clean house, there were now signs of life from Amber’s few days there.

Even while doing housework, Amber hummed a tune. Although he didn’t want to go back home, the journey back to Michigan with Tennessee felt like a trip. It reminded him of their previous road trip.

When Tennessee got in the car, Amber took out what he had prepared.

“This water is for you, Tennessee. And these napkins and snacks.”

What Amber took out was Lunchables. It was also what Tennessee had given him to eat when he first met the child.

“Where’s your Mountain Dew?”

“There wasn’t any in the fridge.”

“Did you drink it all?”

He thought he had bought two six-packs last time.

Amber, watching Tennessee’s reaction, looked up with sparkling eyes. He also showed some cash he pulled out. He meant to stop and buy some. With a fresh smile, Tennessee started the car.

It was one of the nicest days of the year. The car Amber had brought had a sunroof. They opened the sunroof all the way and all the windows. The cool wind brushed his hair against his foreheads and made it flutter. When he turned up the music loud, the bass vibration made the driver’s and passenger’s seats vibrate slightly. Contrary to Amber’s expectation that Tennessee would complain about the noise, he didn’t say anything.

Around the car speeding at nearly 80 miles per hour, there were landscapes he hadn’t seen before. Even though it wasn’t a beautiful scenery, Amber felt his heart swelling.

It felt like going back to that time. When no one existed in the world except Tennessee and himself. When they spent every day together.

Facing the rapidly rushing wind, Amber smiled faintly. Country music he liked was playing on the radio.

The sun illuminated everything brightly. It seemed like new buds would sprout wherever the sunlight touched. Amber squinted and looked at Tennessee. Although he couldn’t see his eyes behind the sunglasses, Amber burst into laughter seeing his curved lips.

He felt alive. It was a moment when he could feel his own vitality.

Originally, it would have been about a five-hour journey. But Tennessee masterfully balanced between speeding and appropriate speed, quickly arriving at Amber’s house.

Even before he could make contact about arriving, as soon as the car stopped, Amber’s family came out from the entrance to greet him. Now Amber had a family who would wait for him no matter how many days it took. That fact gave Tennessee some comfort.

After parking the car, Tennessee grabbed the gun and car keys and gave them to him in secret. He advised him, saying in secret, ‘Don’t take them out.’

“How will you get back then, Tennessee?”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“Stay the night, David can take you to the airport tomorrow.”

“I have something to do today.”

Amber nodded weakly. It was time for another farewell. He didn’t want to let Tennessee go, but he had no excuse to make him stay. Above all, Tennessee seemed not to mind being apart from him at all. Every time Amber saw this clearly tilted balance, he fell into despair and self-loathing. Nevertheless, giving up was impossible.

“When can I see you next?”

“Soon. I’m free for a month.”

Amber, who had been staring at his feet, suddenly looked up. A month?

“Then can we meet soon?”

“If you want.”

“When? Where?”

Before Tennessee could open his mouth, Amber quickly continued.

“Can I spend the weekend at your house, in Chicago?”

Although he thought it would be bothersome, Tennessee nodded with an expressionless face.

Success! Tomorrow was Friday, so he would meet Tennessee the day after tomorrow. Wait, should I go right after school on Friday instead?

“Then where will you go after a month?”

“I’m not sure. I’m thinking of looking for work here.”

Suddenly feeling light-headed, Amber forcefully chained down his emotions. Amber tried to calm his racing heart. Tennessee was coming back. That felt more precious and valuable than any gift received at Christmas or his adoption day.

In the future Amber imagined, there was no one by Tennessee’s side. Even in this secret future he drew alone, Amber dared not exist by Tennessee’s side.

He didn’t expect any kind of relationship between Tennessee and himself at all. He just thought that if Tennessee was under the same sky as him, if he could meet often and keep in contact, that would be enough. Because it had been a desperate and lacking land for so long, Amber was grateful for even a few drops of rain.

Amber slowly waved his hand. Such a brief goodbye. Brief. The word held a special power.

“Amber.”

A low voice came from behind Amber’s back.

‘Didn’t you miss me?’

Tennessee recalled the pleading question that had lingered in his mind.

“Why do you think I went through all this trouble to bring you here?”

“…Because you were worried about me.”

“That’s right. Good thing that you know.”

That was the most Tennessee could express.

“I know. If I was really that much of a bother, you would have told me to stop clinging and just let go. You’re that kind of person with broken humanity, after all, Tennessee.”

At this point, Tennessee raised his eyebrow slightly. Perhaps due to the high-quality education he received at private school, Amber’s sarcasm had developed and shone even brighter.

After that, Amber continued to mock how Tennessee was such an unfriendly, indifferent, and cold person. Tennessee was so dumbfounded that he didn’t even bother to respond. A little more time and he might develop a razor-sharp tongue.

Tennessee realized he had been caught up in that sarcasm right after he handed Amber his contact information. It was just a number he’d use for a month so it didn’t matter, but influenced by Amber’s tone suggesting it was only natural to give it, he even ended up telling him the hours he would be available for contact.

Amber rushed inside the house as if Tennessee might take the number back. It was just a phone number, but somehow Tennessee couldn’t shake the feeling that he had been ‘caught.’

Well, it wasn’t bad. Amber’s usually pale nape was particularly red today.

***

Before class started, Amber stopped by his locker. While gathering the textbooks he needed to take, someone tapped his shoulder from behind. It was Khali, a girl in the same grade. They sometimes made eye contact in art class. No, whenever he happened to glance at her, their eyes always met. Each time, Khali would naturally look away, as if making excuses that she hadn’t been staring.

“Hi, Ryker.”

“Hi.”

Just as Amber was about to return to what he was doing after exchanging greetings, Khali continued speaking.

“Ryker, my parents will be away this weekend, so I was thinking of having a party. What do you think? Wanna come?”

Amber often received such invitations, but he didn’t want to participate in pool parties, summer camps, or after-school hangouts.

To be honest, Amber was sick of being trapped in school and the reality that he had to attend for several more years. Amber was disgusted with himself and his classmates who couldn’t help but obsess over who slept with whom and who did what with whom.

He had someone he needed to chase after. Amber felt deprived knowing that while he was peacefully attending classes, Tennessee might be getting shot at and hovering between life and death.

Whenever he became aware of his status as a student like this, Amber felt as if there was a cliff between him and Tennessee. A distance too far to cross with a jump. A back view that seemed just within reach but could never be grabbed.

Still, he couldn’t help but reach out. It was desperately urgent, as if tears might burst forth at any moment. A futile game of tag filled with regret.

“No, I can’t this weekend.”

“Can I ask why?”

Would this be how he appeared to Tennessee? Amber was scared. And at the same time, he empathized with the other person.

“I have prior plans. I’m going to Chicago.”

“I see.”

Khali smiled despite her disappointment. She was a good kid. She tried not to show that she was hurt by the repeated rejections. Amber saw himself in this girl’s attitude. That’s why Amber impulsively said,

“Khali. I’m gay.”

“…Huh?”

Khali couldn’t hide her surprised expression.

“You’re the first person I’ve told. I thought you might like me. Sorry if I’m wrong.”

And Amber adjusted his zipped backpack.

“It’s up to you whether you tell others or not.”

Khali couldn’t find words to say. Confusion and embarrassment were clearly visible in her face. However, Khali shook her head. It seemed to mean she wouldn’t tell anyone.

While liking Tennessee wasn’t something to be ashamed of, Amber didn’t want to be the subject of unnecessary rumors. Amber turned around with a faint smile. But suddenly his shoulder was grabbed. Someone had pulled Amber. With a thud, he was pushed against the locker. His back ached from the impact.

“So Ryker, you’re a gay bastard?”

Amber couldn’t hide his annoyance. It was Tyler and his gang. They always moved in groups and bullied kids smaller than them. Although he was in 8th grade, he was tall. Amber remembered hearing that he played football. Tyler had a nasty smile, as if he had discovered something very entertaining.

“Hey! Did y’all hear?! This bastard’s gay!”

Tyler wasn’t like this at first. He had invited him to hang out a few times at the beginning of the semester, and when he rejected him, he seemed to have taken it quite personally. Amber roughly shook off Tyler’s hand.

“So you’re a homo bastard.”

“Don’t get too excited, Tyler. I have eyes too, and I could never date someone like you.”

A few of Tyler’s friends snickered before biting their lips.

“You’ve been hiding it well all this time, huh?”

“Is that why you kept hitting on me?”

You were the one begging me to hang out.

When Amber sneered, Tyler, unable to contain his anger, pushed him hard. But due to their similar build, Amber didn’t move much.

“Sorry I couldn’t return your feelings, Tyler.”

Tyler’s face turned red and purple as his voice grew louder.

“Poor little faggot, what are you going to do, Ryker, find someone to shove it up your ass?”

Amber smiled.

“Tyler, just because I’m gay doesn’t mean Vanessa will start liking you.”

Tyler couldn’t hold back and raised his fist.

***

“Suspension? That’s absurd! Ryker was only defending himself!”

Elizabeth’s shrill voice could be heard from outside the principal’s office. Sitting in a chair, Amber moistened his lips with his tongue. The morning’s commotion had ended ingloriously for Tyler. The corridor was covered in blood. Amber had broken Tyler’s nose. Not only that, but two of Tyler’s teeth were knocked out.

Despite being an athlete, Tyler was a student who had grown up pampered, attending only private schools. His mindset was completely different from Amber’s, who had to protect himself fiercely while growing up getting beaten by all sorts of people from a young age.

With a bruised cheekbone and split lip, Amber anxiously shook his leg. He wasn’t even thinking about the shocked expressions of the other students. His primary concern was whether Elizabeth would ground him because of this incident and prevent him from seeing Tennessee this weekend. No, if that happened, he planned to steal the car again like yesterday.

“This is discrimination! All the students heard Tyler making homophobic remarks!”

“Mrs. Dexley, our school opposes all forms of hate. We are definitely against hate speech, but you should have seen that corridor, there was blood splattered all over the lockers… That was clearly an excessive use of force.”

After hearing that much, Amber retreated to the bathroom. While breathing roughly, he suddenly looked in the mirror. Bruised cheeks, split lip, and a face that looked weak. He couldn’t look more powerless. A child who didn’t even have the right to clean up his own mess.

Amber washed the blood off his knuckles. His finger joints were scratched from Tyler’s teeth.

Then Amber took out his phone. After hesitating, he dialed the ten digits he had memorized overnight. The call went through. Amber felt relief just from that.

It was the first time he could contact him. Even though they couldn’t meet right away, just being able to contact him made Amber feel closer to him. At least Tennessee was in America.

Although Tennessee had occasionally contacted him before, it was rare, and most of those times the caller ID was blocked. Since he worked with the FBI, he couldn’t ask for his contact information and never knew when calls would come. He had to just wait for his calls.

Whenever Amber asked, Tennessee’s location was different. Maybe due to time differences, the timing of his calls varied too. Sometimes it was early morning, late night, or just after school ended.

One day, Tennessee called during class, and Amber had to quickly run to the bathroom. He was worried the call would end during that short time. He had sprinted down the long corridor to the bathroom. But it didn’t feel hard to do, just precious.

This moment was the same. After waiting anxiously for several minutes for him to answer, Tennessee’s voice came through.

[Hello?]

Amber moistened his dry lips. His reflection in the mirror looked unfamiliar. What would Tennessee think if he saw him tomorrow?

“Can I ask you something?”

[Yeah.]

His voice through the phone sounded lower than usual.

“I… uhm…”

Amber recalled the woman who had casually entered Tennessee’s house.

He had done excessive use of force indeed. Amber discovered a massive, deep anger within himself that he hadn’t known existed until today. At the same time, Tyler’s words lingered in him mind.

What troubled Amber wasn’t his stupid accusations or the people’s pointing fingers. It was the realization that while Tennessee was the only one for him, he might not be the same for him. The frustration that came from that.

Still, Amber couldn’t stop praying, and he couldn’t bear wanting to become an adult. Every minute spent as a child was painful. He wanted to shed his underdeveloped boy’s shell right away. Then it seemed he might be able to catch him.

“Poor little faggot, what are you going to do, Ryker, find someone to shove it up your ass?”

He wanted to grab Tennessee right now, but he would disappear before he could even enter his shadow.

“Tennessee, are you straight?”

Amber anxiously bit his lip. Even a moment of silence felt too long. A clear voice reached him.

[No, I’m bi.]

Amber squeezed his eyes shut. When he opened them, Amber found his breathing had become rougher and had to put down the phone.

Until now, Amber had been overwhelmed by his emotions. He had thought it was painful pure love. However, Amber realized that it was merely the preparation stage.

It was the beginning of a long fever.

***

“What happened to this?”

Tennessee asked as soon as he saw Amber. Amber avoided his gaze. Not long after ringing the doorbell, Tennessee came out in casual clothes. Ignoring Amber’s greeting, Tennessee grabbed his chin and asked as soon as their eyes met.

“…You mean my cheek?”

“Your cheeks and lips.”

Fortunately, Elizabeth didn’t ban him from going out. While the school’s level of punishment for Tyler and Amber was still under discussion, David reassured Amber that everything would be fine. Amber just felt sorry. He even felt guilty.

It was an unfamiliar feeling watching Elizabeth and David making threats to the school in anger. It was an emotion Amber hadn’t often experienced.

Although he thought it was just his fight, it wasn’t. Elizabeth had hugged him, who just had a split, lip rather than Tyler with his missing front teeth.

‘You should never just accept when the world treats you unfairly.’

That’s what she said, and Amber quietly replied.

But that’s how it’s always been until now.

At Amber’s words, David’s eyes welled up with tears. Amber thought he would definitely get suspended or expelled, but Elizabeth even seriously discussed legal proceedings.

‘I’m sorry.’

Amber apologized to Elizabeth and David like that.

Even though he didn’t think it was wrong to like Tennessee, he couldn’t stop blaming himself. No, what if it had been another child who entered this family from the start? They wouldn’t have had to raise their voices at school. That child wouldn’t have hurt their new family. They wouldn’t have become a troublemaker. They would have gotten good grades at a good school and become a child to be proud of. Amber couldn’t break free from the chain of self-blame.

“Amber.”

Tennessee urged him,but Amber could only mumble since his chin was held. But Tennessee somehow understood those mumbled words.

“Something happened?”

“…Yes.”

Tennessee keeps many things hidden from him too. Amber justified himself with that reason.

Amber didn’t want to talk about school in front of Tennessee. He was afraid of appearing like an immature, slow child, even while thinking he probably already appeared that way.

Tennessee’s fingertips carried a faint scent of cigarettes. Even though he knew he had reached out to look at his injuries, Amber’s heart skipped a beat.

“…”

After turning his chin this way and that, Tennessee remained silent. He didn’t rush or probe further. He just looked on with that seemingly insensitive face, but Amber felt an unspoken pressure. The atmosphere gradually sank.

“…I got into a fight.”

Though it was rather one-sided to call it a fight, Amber didn’t want to say he had thoroughly beaten someone up either.

“Ointment?”

“I applied some.”

Amber started to remind him that Elizabeth was a doctor but stopped. Tennessee would know that too.

“Did Elizabeth or David hit you?”

“No!”

Amber jumped up. They were good people. Good parents, good family. Above all, they truly cherished and loved him.

Of course, that doesn’t mean David and Elizabeth were perfect people. Amber sometimes clashed and had conflicts with them, but that was just natural within the boundaries of being family.

“David and Elizabeth would never do that.”

“That’s good.”

Tennessee watched as Amber defended his foster parents. Fortunately, it seemed Amber had found a nest that fit him perfectly.

“You don’t like Elizabeth and David?”

For Tennessee, liking or disliking wasn’t very important. If he had to say something, he had a human-like fondness for them.

However, Tennessee was someone who had directly witnessed what kind of monsters could live inside idealistic and perfect saints. Not that he meant Amber’s foster parents were like that, but he couldn’t fully trust anyone.

“Can I go in now that you’ve seen everything?”

Since his chin was grabbed as soon as Tennessee came out after he rang the doorbell, Amber hadn’t even taken a single step inside his house yet. Tennessee stepped aside, and Amber first put down his belongings on the sofa.

“It’s not too early in the morning, is it?”

“Not particularly.”

Tennessee replied while pouring water into a cup. Amber felt somewhat relieved. He had badgered Elizabeth and arrived in Chicago at dawn. Even though he couldn’t sleep properly due to the excitement, his eyes popped wide open at an early hour. As a result, he ended up coming much earlier than the time he had originally told Tennessee. Looking at the clock, it was a decent time to have an early breakfast.

Sitting on the sofa, Amber stared at Tennessee. As he said, he was wearing gray sweatpants and a black t-shirt, whether because he had no special plans or it was just comfortable.

“Ah, how did that go? You said you were going to look for work here.”

“I found a job.”

Amber’s eyes widened at the happy news contained in that nonchalant tone. He barely suppressed the urge to jump up. The expression ‘butterflies in your stomach’ must exist for moments like this – knowing the fact that he would be here.

“I’ll have to travel frequently though.”

While he hadn’t told Amber, Tennessee was planning to coordinate many things during his month-long vacation. He hadn’t signed the contract yet, but he had received confirmation. At the same time, he needed to wrap things up with the FBI.

A security company – Tennessee almost let out a laugh. It was quite ironic. He got to work with the FBI because he was a hitman, and now he was being hired by a security company thanks to his experience working with the FBI. Originally, security companies exist to protect clients from threats like himself. If he hadn’t worked with the FBI, this would have been absolutely impossible.

“We’ll get to see each other more often now, right?”

Amber asked, wary of whether his voice might reveal too obvious excitement.

“Well, you’ll probably get busy once you’re in high school.”

Tennessee turned his gaze to Amber. He drew on a cigarette deeply enough for his cheeks to hollow out.

“You should enjoy your first and only high school years.”

At times like these, Amber would become a butterfly pinned under his gaze. It was like Tennessee held a giant pin and pressed it into his heart. As he gasped while fixed in place, Tennessee carefully examined and measured him.  It felt like being put to a test.

I’m not a threat to you. He wants to say that, but it doesn’t get across. While pinned to the stake, showing both hands raised high and bleeding, Tennessee would remove his emotionless gaze. That permission made Amber unbearably happy.

“I’ll be busy too.”

Amber tensed his lips tightly to manage his expression. I must not be discovered, must not show it. Although his breath was becoming rapid, only the instinct that he mustn’t show it remained alive and breathing.

Amber forced himself to smile, although he wasn’t confident how his smile would look.

“You want me to give up on you, Tennessee? When you’re such a nice wallet, driver, and bodyguard?”

Tennessee let out a faint laugh, almost like a chuckle, and turned away. I wasn’t discovered. Amber felt relieved but at the same time was burning with anxiety.

“Where did you say you wanted to go?”

Tennessee asks while opening the refrigerator. Although his fridge was almost always empty, today seemed different as he took out some packaged food.

“The Field Museum of Natural History.”

Amber blurted out any tourist spot he could think of. Though he had no interest whatsoever in museums or skyscrapers, he had made the excuse of wanting to look around Chicago in order to come to Tennessee’s house.

Because I couldn’t say that I just wanted to be with you.

“Then shall we go after breakfast?”

The Field Museum was open year-round except for Christmas. Like most museums, it would be fine as long as they didn’t go too late.

“Okay.”

Amber answered with a bright smile. He tried to help Tennessee, but he just said it was fine and told him to go sit down. At those words, Amber sat down on the bed.

“It might be dirty.”

“It’s fine.”

Contrary to Tennessee’s words, the bed wasn’t dirty at all. Sitting on the bed, Amber looked around once. It wasn’t his first time here, but it surely felt different every time.

Although there wasn’t anything particularly interesting, Amber wasn’t bored at all. No, to be precise, there was almost nothing here. There were only items and furniture necessary for living, and even some of what Amber considered necessities were missing. But Amber liked this place.

While Amber was looking around, Tennessee heated up the food and took out drinks and dishes. Among the occasional clattering sounds, Amber discovered something under the bed. It was white fabric.

When he bent down and pulled it out, he realized it was Tennessee’s shirt. He wasn’t the type to stuff clothes under the bed like this. Just as Amber thought that, the red mark left inside the neck collar caught his eye.

Amber spread out the shirt with his hands and brought his eyes closer to that spot. It was a lipstick mark.

“Want some Mountain Dew?”

Tennessee asked while opening the refrigerator again with his back to Amber. Forcing open his locked throat, Amber made a sound.

“…Yes, that’s fine. I want some ice too, please.”

“Don’t have any.”

With his expression washed away, Amber pushed the dress shirt back to its original place. After looking down at his pale white hands, he buried his face in his palms. He told himself as he tried to get a grip.

I might see even more painful things in the future. Maybe, maybe Tennessee has found a lover. In an unlikely case, it might even become a serious relationship.

He had to prepare himself. He took small deep breaths, but his rapidly beating heart felt like it would jump out of his throat. It felt like he would vomit up all the words he had forcibly swallowed along with the dregs of emotion.

“Come eat.”

“Coming.”

Amber checked his face reflected in the window. A pale, immature face, empty eyes. He couldn’t appear before him looking like this. Amber gritted his teeth. With such a long road ahead, he shouldn’t hurt this much over something like this. He needed to become numb to the pain and get used to it. Just as he had until now.

Amber sat down across from him.

“Why that long face?”

As expected, Tennessee immediately noticed something was off. But Amber smiled brightly.

“That’s my line. Didn’t get much sleep?”

Tennessee rubbed his temples several times and showed slight signs of fatigue.

“Yeah. I’m always like this.”

To be precise, Tennessee hadn’t slept at all since the day he dropped off Amber. On Friday, he had to exercise for a long time because there was a physical fitness test. After that, Caylen had visited. They spent the night together until dawn, and after Caylen left, he spent time lying down meaninglessly.

He desperately needed to get some sleep after all the accumulated fatigue, but Tennessee had to spend the night with open eyes. In the pitch darkness, amid the faintly heard siren sounds, Tennessee chased after sleep but inevitably had to give up with the dawn.

He had insomnia. Tennessee thought that perhaps he might be able to count all the stars in the night sky.

But looking at it now, that thought seemed foolish. The clutches of sleep had crept up unawares. As if all those painful moments of being unable to sleep had been a lie.

“You should sleep now.”

“We have to go to the Field Museum.”

“We can go to the museum in the afternoon.”

“You should take a nap too.”

“I’m fine.”

Unexpectedly for Amber, Tennessee docilely headed to the bed. His eyes were definitely a bit more vacant than usual. For the first time, he looked cute.

“Will you be okay?”

Amber nodded. Then Tennessee collapsed onto the bed with a thud. He must have been very tired, such thoughts naturally came to his mind.

And as if under a spell, Tennessee instantly fell into sleep.

Amber watched that figure endlessly. The lipstick mark wouldn’t erase from his mind. Amber buried his face in his knees. The food was getting cold. It was what Tennessee had prepared for him. Although he was cold and not delicate, he knew Tennessee cared for him a lot. But the gap between knowing and feeling was cruel.

Without picking up the fork even once, Amber put away all the food. Silence fell. After contemplating, Amber approached Tennessee’s side.

Tennessee sleeping comfortably in front of him was a rare sight. Amber carried out what he couldn’t do last time – touching Tennessee’s hair.

His longd fingers spread out. Amber’s fingertips touched Tennessee’s black hair. Unlike expected, Tennessee didn’t wake up. Without even his eyebrows twitching, he breathed quietly and regularly.

After contemplating, Amber moved his hand. Tennessee’s black hair flowed like waves between his fingers. His hair was surprisingly soft. Although he seemed like someone whose touch would freeze his fingertips, he was such a soft person. He thought he was someone who wouldn’t allow even a single step, but he was easily giving up space now, falling asleep so defenseless.

Amber exhaled a trembling breath. Anyway, Tennessee was here now. Although even God might not know where his heart was, he was here. By his side.

Tennessee went abroad for work again, but Amber wasn’t discouraged because he told him it would be his last job outside America. It was a sweet wait.

When he called a few months later, Amber asked what kind of job he got. After a moment of silence, Tennessee said ‘security.’

“That’s amazing.”

Amber was sincere, but Tennessee laughed softly and responded saying ‘She said it doesn’t suit me.’

“Who said that?”

[Someone.]

Amber dared to say that she was wrong. That job suited Tennessee.

‘I’m not someone fit to be a proper parent or guardian. You’re young, and you need to find someone who will protect you and keep you safe.’

Although he didn’t know who or how Tennessee had killed, Amber was certain. That if he were truly less than human, he wouldn’t suffer from such severe insomnia. He wouldn’t willingly take care of a child who had nothing, nor would he confess that he owed you a debt.