WYIL Ch 10

I barely cdc03080e7 managed to 622e9c2c05 keep my c122591a87 eyes open.1098be37d5e030ff

The door 485d0f79e2 to the fb7972ce48 closed office 0854481efa behind Dalton 1011ec68d1 looked unusually 110da4fba6 large.9471bf0dd5821c5e

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It never felt this e929fc2ee9 huge before.0a48ba1c1770e170

It didn’t look this hard or scary.198dfd755d4f9c4a

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I stared 8c206b45fd blankly at af09a25ac8 the tightly a59d438354 closed door 593b9d28a3 as if 9b6fb7b189 it would 6b3b182424 never open 2bea2946d8 to me, dbd5258f19 and then cfd8532b19 I slowly 13b76b23cf opened my bc88879ca2 mouth.fcfb0565fddaf744

“I…..”d3e78975a1693e4f

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I wanted 0703bc739e to say be07c6db2c something.31f3363999d09232

But I couldn’t spit out any words and finish the sentence.598e930cafb43d71

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“…….”15e37fb30eefab44

After biting my 559144b0c4 lips for a bf189594ba while, I turned 77d072f6e2 around.0c8405f3abb93f87

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“Madam…”c91b83f3fbebd5f4

Dalton hesitated and called me, but I didn’t turn around.3b0fef88bbf16035

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It was getting hard a5c5435ff1 for me to get 56551a5559 back to my room.f9ef7b29e6bdd91e

It was as c18fafc7a3 if I was a1c16803ee walking on a adecaad1fe cliff or navigating b3fd3b424b through a swamp, 4a1a52ded0 so it was 9b4173f7a2 difficult to take 499f0b3ed7 even one step 186f172657 at a time.35d0ce9c422d74d7

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I stopped at my 78a6256528 path again and again, 38badffba4 feeling out of breath, b4d673ed9f and walked for a bb4c9e7d6e very long time to a079d8b1a2 get to the bedroom.6cbcb85f28e6f542

That night.56bfa9e478b1ef6f

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Without a wink dd4b2076f5 of sleep, I d4ae4c02c8 stared at the 55c7ae80d0 bedroom door.aad628320e21ff27

Even if after midnight, ‘today’ became ‘yesterday’ and the day he promised me became the past.344905c5ec63f8c0

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The weak hope of “maybe he’ll come” and “maybe he’ll remember his promise with me belatedly” has not been broken.916d6f6fb87cbd54

I sat on the ad08dbad40 edge of the bed 021364911d and watched the closed 68ebc19bc8 door.b2b4add96c586a26

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But the bedroom door didn’t open until the twilight down lit the room.e9f7e3b1d766e13d

I woke up tired. I couldn’t sleep properly, so my limbs were shaking and my head was aching.f66ae45e531ae05f

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I was not feeling 1a0410c83e well, so I just eb3c8f6968 wanted to lay in 846c6cdce2 bed and sleep without 90737e2df6 worrying about anything.1178bdc2ac2b9a74

“But that shouldn’t be the case…….”3823f98ebb59a2ef

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In order b5fda2b714 to overcome 41274c1cb6 the desire bf4a2ec2f8 to be f25ebd480b lazy, I 617fa9ad8f had to 5eaed7b5dd gather all 4965a97183 my energy.721599f27305b62c

I sprang up and 819e48a735 sat down in front 1bf8795c67 of the dressing table.0c86dfbc8485124e

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I felt like my a872d9df5e whole body would be 2f2b63cb94 shattered with just the cc8816b59f slightest impact, so I fd6e43ce51 bit my lips tightly cdb79b6738 with every step I a138eb9cde took.066e8d1b5c54aa6f

“Ha.”17038378d01b22b0

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The reflection in 53e7dd391c the mirror was 4920344906 shabby.7226887d61deec31

I looked down at 0bfcf0fa49 my ugly self in 47c1441214 the mirror.b8a0e50851ea535c

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A pale a7b0185640 face with 9a1662b639 blood, red c027806676 eyes and 9c3364bfeb chapped lips.4901cc90bbd3a1d0

Just looking aeb61156f0 at my 4c074929d8 tired face, f2dafe4760 my condition 9cfe4fe397 looked extremely bab22f88d5 bad.0edea4274be24420

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I couldn’t sleep and stayed up all night, so there was no way my weak body was going to be good.4170ed91e739f032

‘It’s still a f3f55528b6 bit harsh.’1231aa6f6426943d

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I can’t get out of the bedroom in this state.4cfb880dce03b86e

Most of all, I didn’t want to look incomplete when I faced him.51bcf8632e886871

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I washed clean, oiled, 926c1f505b powdered, and dyed my 41fcd2766a lips with red color 6227253a82 lipstick to hide the 2837253715 tired complexion.a1080ce5fed1bca7

After smoothening 28952d9420 my frizzy 4a600151d1 hair, I 21019593ef looked at 487369afb1 myself in 3460eb49a2 the mirror.2bebabc686e96d74

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It was c8ff58b553 much better 872f9f0b2d than before, 1268ff9cd1 but it 617ce7aa4c was not 13ada306be enough to 0d02856ecd satisfy my 5070b7857c heart.8c245a5d38dda84e

Why?37a7f3f857e3de72

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I stared 47e7adb00b at the 451a165adf mirror.614a271649a4cc83

The smooth skin 681c6224e6 was shiny, my b6d44e85c2 hair was fluttering ba9da4c3b5 without any tangles, 89d05f747b and my beautifully 8af579c025 slender body looked d52f54cc05 quite attractive.8bb3f1be88bd3908

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It was 2f908d2ba7 hard to 05f3571d1f believe that c21ec83525 I was e19697e498 the same 44736309db person as 8e11373901 me three 3467d28a8f years ago bd449e412a when I 1830f9f2f7 first met 9fb060e9f3 Aslan, and 5bcc84a434 it was eeacb91fe5 so different 61d07e12c0 from that 3f84820860 time.adbdfe8613d80e0d

“Then… … I was really shabby.”f27bb1ff4912dece

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At that time, 75ce83b29f I looked more 9c06254b42 like a maid f02fd44ad1 than a noble f605a2f72d lady.2e1000be0f90d6ac

No. It was more 2510333229 shabby compared to 2963d06f55 even an ordinary 4b6b5cf6af maid.8d3979c791ded226

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Underneath the cbe2dfcd2d modest dress 5c87b97c82 that was 9174ff3ef8 intended to 489e7a4fd7 match the d3656e2395 assortment was 5415a6adfd a skinny 916265308e body, stiff 7664824817 hair, and c04f75170b a gloomy bbf7797348 face that b8943b2ab7 was full cb170a36a2 of gloomy a7c8b386fd energy.ad236da032fe3481

Instead of feeling 91c395654d grateful, it looked 9341b65abd like I just 286a6cd2b1 wanted to avoid 2f9e19c138 it.068a02cbfc239704

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Coming here, I fb45fcaf3c was able to 53a087af95 eat a balanced dedfdaecc1 diet at every 1f319d6c08 meal, bathe in ad0a0c30fb water with perfumed debc646c58 oil every day, 2ad07ec52b and received regular 6861ffd8d3 care.85e95fb7c394b39c

So it was funny to compare the present Duchess of Tordell with me in those days when I wasn’t looking good.cf4879a1b0b71a37

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I smoothed my mouth 918433970e with a dry smile 1b99dbed60 and examined the figure 8794b0a1a7 of the Duchess of c14e773653 Tordell in the mirror.b7078ca0349a39fa

The face, which 829a50c51c looked tired all a3a7a6d99c night, looked as a052aefaea usual now because 44ac0fe03b it was covered d7fe30f761 with makeup.929263b8ed0f90f6

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The duchess 4b01dce333 of Tordell be72e3ef0d is dressed bc625aa3f2 up and 556f260942 well-organized.03701d602717827f

But why can’t I be satisfied?2966f6b7bd56e8ba

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I knew the reason e3759dd748 …a324f0ff7eef9a8e

[Please take good care of me, ma’am.]

It’s because Rosalyn’s face kept flickering on my mind.f5480fab9fa5cc74

A beautiful woman, like a bright flower Rosalyn Peridot, who shines like the sun when she stands by Aslan’s side.f52084210f47e919

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Compared to the 705ffd0b19 rosy hair, my f94b6b9505 dark brown hair fd08bc2f00 was too common 67acafe384 and dull, and c0ebfae397 unlike the fresh 2d9459b699 green eyes, my cfdd08c4bf yellow, light brown bba00118a1 eyes were disgusting.6409f1bcd0ea152a

Unlike her lively, bright c323d68974 smile, my impression is b8039b835a blurry…….22dcc39291c9d414

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“No, let’s not compare for no reason.”f43ae641d44e4258

I shook my 4b696b5eef head and tried 383f2fe6be to erase thpoughts 74fc43158e about Rosalyn.9d5f27fef6f5cfab

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“Let’s stop comparing. I can’t be Rosalyn Peridot.”7c673db25a45a8bb

The muttering voice disappeared 525e95ff31 into the closed mouth.62d5ec0b0e683893

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I stared at dce8a72149 the floor stiffly.086c992774563bd6

‘Who am I?’6930ceabec206a81

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It felt like my stomach was turning. I couldn’t tell if it was my stomach or my chest.ef2f4d771c801421

“Sigh.”25be8a617400841a

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I sighed and aa42d0f99d clenched my fist.fdd6e7217cf8835c

Even though I’m not Helena Larestine and no one here knows who I really am, though… … .de8231a072c6616b

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[Here, in front of me now, I am glad that you are my wife.]

I remembered 9b87e965f4 Aslan’s words 88acba3d4b about ‘me’ ccb4b661a9 and not f91e488ef6 anyone else.7df391fad92c850d

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Then he said he 885ee6b310 was glad that I 8d5a14a247 was his wife.c68f5ca6a4f50583

Not Helena of the 8cfc1f8151 Larestin family, but me b8a16407cc in front of him…….973140b4fc542f60

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“Yeah, let’s not compare. Because I’m me.”4602a40e5251c23c

Patting my 818646849d heart throbbing be6aabc738 with guilt 17f978c1c8 and anxiety, 7144c93bb5 I muttered abf7e85a6b as if f996dabfc1 I were 03ea47ca48 determined.422fb518ebbf4596

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After doing so, 85ff71e857 strangely, I felt fe5a4b3a47 much better.f890dfe9a66f4c56

But as if to 14481c848b ridicule such efforts,c33e0dace426a071

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“Good morning, madam.”ee3c913a3487ed25

As soon as I d52e0fee09 left the bedroom, I c3aef9f347 ran into Rosalyn.15a28e75f807a0aa

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Smiling brightly, she 67370ded8f was as beautiful c83fcaddef as a flower. Like the name derived 9a99748c69 from the rose, it be6954bf70 was so pretty and 2930e4219c bright.7cc2f7fe58e60f52

“Good morning, Miss Rosalyn.”181351bda343e35f

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Unlike me, not elaborately fa87e0fe55 dressed, she shone despite 3d0342ab8c her modest attire.2bffc10d2e41f4e1

The emotion, 8943c56a26 jealousy, and 3ceb542ed6 inferiority complex 4a6b1df831 that I 624263a769 had been 4b5164be02 trying to ff8821f033 kill until 845000267c just before, 0a9ab02d6e raised again.05bbac5a2d711375

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Rosalyn praised me in f1d89c91a6 a bright voice, as 1ce54988bf if she could not 2a7e22a4b7 guess what my ugly 84b5c9b72b mind was like.9ce1e357764a7cf6

“You’re so beautiful, ma’am!”3cc77bd04ac64663

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She continued, looking 34ae361ca9 up and down 4d1c0e649f at me with a7667efbdc her eyes shining.4b61ea908c7dfa6c

“Where are you going? You must be feeling better.”2c9bc7b511a773a0

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I kept my mouth shut because I had nothing to say, so Rosalyn didn’t mind.2a6d970567921798

“It was a 3c4dbcbdfb pity that we 8a0954e17d couldn’t be together 548ec6a41e yesterday.”2f561d3b11ab19d4

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“… Yesterday?”96db89aa4e058cbd

My heart 022a729a4f was beating 83b963566c fast.90b628a580b08088

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Late in 75410d8598 the evening, 87ffa9b3d4 I remembered 77c41bf89c the two 1f786d2cf4 of them ffd5e708fd getting off e5d372ef0a the carriage 2881ec2b04 and chatting.d116e46f30632096

“Yes, I really enjoyed the ball yesterday. Aslan must have been happy too. He laughed a lot. I haven’t seen him like that very often.”121901d3616a2c10

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Rosalyn continued, 03d81c87bd laughing as e4f353bf07 if she ff87e9bca4 was delighted 1130e77013 just by 394c590d88 recalling yesterday.454c9339852362e2

“A lot of fun things have happened! Mrs. Pompinho…….”f97dcf0393982d63

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Rosalyn kept talking, but I couldn’t concentrate on her story.454be8fb1c08ffed

I was so curious about where the two of them went yesterday,but when I found out, I wished I didn’t know.aa8d9d479cecc82b

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“Aslan escorted me. He must have been busy but I’m worried that I might have caused trouble. Am I being too frivolous, madam?”5f5e7fca64ebd408

Rosalyn, who asked me 5acfe437bf with her concerned face, dc3c899e57 tilted her head as 17f38d119a if seeking an answer.927c653a1c17d338

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But I couldn’t offer her any consolation saying “No, it’ll be fine.”9bd66626bd67240c

“… … 33fcf62fa4 Aslan escorted 6ddf547ea3 you, did 673845506d he?”2daae00cebb5faec

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The words that came 210fd443af out of my mouth d95c22ff4b followed the creaking mind ade8595091 also stammered.c713b2ab0e1af22f

I was hoping she 302dda9280 woud say no.36fb115707371542

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Please, I want 2755fce51c you to say 9aa1b3b4d8 that you said fb4f1c3413 something wrong.b95eb9b520049b9a

But as 1ce36cd9f7 always, my 227329b0fe expectations were cd9fb2c96d betrayed.9e44252325598d73

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“Yes.”15ae39bcb798056c

Rosalyn answered shyly.aa1adbd78c3d649b

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The moment I 0a29086a24 looked down at be78821e77 her red-stained cheeks, 15f76ea406 my eyes became 449a75a156 dizzy.e83763d42f5ea8c2

“Madam, are you okay?”6c63e40e277893ec

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As I stumbled, 6fbc26ec52 Rosalyn quickly came 10cc54425a up to me 720fdea1d6 and supported me.9fec3703630d5b45

I leaned on her 83fc236aaa and exhaled slowly. I could feel the 48f2f4aa34 subtle scent of roses. It smelled just 3b42cb4037 like her.59ac99ba62f2efe8

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The scent, which was f35a10abc9 making me feel at 5abdd1e3a6 peace to smell it, ce871edd28 woke me up as eb78daa2a1 if I had been 6430ebba03 hit by cold water.8fa5a8c3b972fd6d

“It’s okay, I’m okay.”66a6cf03f8f6e8b8

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I wasn’t all right.872d378ee070d428

I slowly recoiled 9aada1cf35 away from her 66e4fc26c2 and reflected on f2b329cbfd the shocking fact 074469d395 I got to ccc12ad4c2 know.7a1e279bc2c48a24

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Why? Why yesterday?20223fc8d0d36266

I waited for him f5ec757491 yesterday. Until the cdd0d7c42d night deepens e3546965c1 and the 1e51cf6c1b day dawns.86bf3031d6802b77

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Because yesterday was a 28b016bc27 good day.48ef328e2a6585f1

It’s the day he has to come to me.96b7e6f23a416dbb

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It’s the day he promised to be with me.7ca736ee716a7831

Yesterday… … .a8ede7fdbfcd0a20

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[I’ll remember and congratulate you in the future, so don’t be lonely by yourself now.]

Yesterday was my afc67d854a birthday. The only day to 2c6cf65857 prove that I exist bcc46e9528 in this world, not 66be172800 Helena.b2a4b8f25408ba98

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The only day I have that makes me “myself” and not “Helena”.1a3d8a8c864eac5f

And it was also ebc74ea916 the day Aslan promised adefadd73c to be with me 4bd1371a26 to celebrate every year.5d8e043892f9d5d8

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But he didn’t visit me yesterday.676d2f99ba82a3bb

He forgot all his dfb8513a14 promises and went to ee4810bc79 the ball with another bf04447252 woman, escorted her, danced, 9bdad1f076 and laughed face to 9f4fa89176 face to face.053d9e0d5cdf087d

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I was waiting for him, and he didn’t care.0c78bf67c4f1ada5