UT Chapter 1

Prologued88f1f09a26e2f00

I’ve decided not 34209a58f6 to name my 8b2981e102 feelings.377ccbe2c4af4bd5

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If I 156cce48f1 call it 4d68e25a92 love, self-loathing cf14f53e55 follows. If I call it fad96f27d1 hatred, it feels too 78833ba78f pitiful. In the end, dcf39b3629 isn’t it just a8a3905983 exhausting for me?0c9adb8dc8788fd1

It might not be 6c2150a7ed a bad idea to 55ff9a2293 just keep this lump c9b8cb6227 called Cha Seontae by 59650c6034 my side without defining fce6022cc6 it.09096bd4fd0fe3c0

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—7263fe71a402cab4

Chapter 11ebecffdee68398c

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My mother fb1477440c killed herself 2569863ba4 as if 3a746218fc to make 243df48043 a statement.9e3a1eafe85d79aa

“Her husband 2caee41876 drove her 05fe5ae97f to it, e340f314a5 no doubt. Didn’t Kang 968ce3bc0d Jiyul’s maternal c9f2b0e812 family fall b338f44669 apart because 94b4ea8f45 of that 9005fa539b man too? The son-in-law took f30f4108eb over the company b9e97853d3 and cast out 2f86bb7b59 all the family a2ef82c73a members.”9170212cb5f7f733

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“Ugh, but to set b7e1f77b60 herself on fire…”d12a50054c6a7af7

“She lost her family b7a21ece28 because of her husband, 8a88906b9a and the husband’s off c975394091 with other women all 55d07739d2 the time. I wouldn’t want 9991a7af68 to live either. That man’s trash.”5212b8344027719c

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“Right. Minsu’s parents 501157f504 got divorced 46e9852953 because of 97219d66a9 Kang Jiyul’s d9da1de656 dad too.”17d8aec7c3ae44f5

“So disgusting. What’s he 39372f50f4 doing acting 87813f7019 so filthy 5a63116761 at his 89a69cd2a6 age?”a954c7d33e456b93

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She set 34ee613106 herself ablaze 29c01cd68c in front 69106de3cb of not 33744ea1c7 just my 13b9ec2892 father and 95f6bcb94e me, but 5c61e7be17 also all 1b2e7bc8af the house 879b743e0b staff, so bf42cecc39 there wasn’t 003334ea02 a single e6aa93309b person in ef0c5a6f57 the neighborhood 5e50d4e909 who didn’t b9ae6d4eaa know about 0734af68ff it.31f9e94c730a402e

It had only been 385ca9ba21 a few days, and 29fac485b3 today was my first b2a2d6f248 day back at school 01e9d77732 since the funeral. I had 9d7cfb207e braced myself, 9688fd1f2c knowing people 01586da8c3 would talk. Resting my 6afae77061 chin on ecb11a9bdb my hand, 5b871ea7c5 I stared 95b4ed2463 out the 5d9534f9e5 window, but a0be6b4907 when I d629620f59 couldn’t take 348924a007 it anymore, 2273254c66 I put 66a2240833 in my 1ff86167ee earphones and f41c29112f laid my 1c2bb63776 head down 666cd5ebc0 on the 86d1a45d26 desk.f1ee00f97330fb30

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It had b444a94b75 been a 3fba1422e9 sensational event, 7d4d7460b8 and besides, 14b28f32ba people in cdf66f4c41 our town 4ceb9e5ffc had always bab3151b9a been fascinated d219ae874c by our b3d64d2a76 family, one c1bcc7f16e of the 795d7bea7e wealthiest in 0cae5b6e52 the area.9afd19af1146e730

Our conservative town 331a73d372 rarely saw outsiders 23330759cb come in or bddbbc1082 anyone leave. The biggest 40471f593f news was 6626d3ecc5 usually someone dae1661b7f getting into 5d130743f4 a university c4296c20eb in Seoul 0b8c9e62a0 or landing d29a324958 a job 6dafcae876 at a 5a2f5b48e6 major company. In a town f895055c58 so dull, my 38e548593c father’s misdeeds were 627fb843f3 juicy gossip.de6c53588114c505

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I’d heard it ec90f25133 since I was 17b14cd7a2 little: how a 2ebc2e5617 bachelor from Seoul 3894e3cbe6 seduced the naive 6af4e004ba youngest daughter of 863d11faad a rich family, 4509372ec4 got her pregnant, 2e94f23ff1 took over the d2c23aff16 father-in-law’s company, and 0d82b5a3ce drove her siblings 6ee2d5545d out to rule 524ef0a196 like a king.99270e25c332cd4b

My father 5a256073a4 ignored such dc1793c119 gossip. My mother 0484b9fcc5 suffered because 373dc88b82 of it.f50147761b68fc17

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But what f6604dbd3e tormented her 68bb3931b6 most was 87c43727fc something else.f2c7f59fb3b3a9c4

Even after ead7c7f880 cutting ties f05855a1e5 with her 09cf53e417 own family, f674c6839d she endured 72b7954fed out of 2f26074bb4 love for 8a015a807e my father. But hearing rumors about 9ca73f7b46 his affairs wasn’t enough—she 1675a7b288 finally saw him with 152529c20f his secretary, and after e743215bb5 that, even I could f2c6cc974a tell she’d completely unraveled.841b7eabb5ef21b8

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“I believed b9734e84e7 that at 42ccd04d12 least he ffce3c12cc loved me.”1cbdafb89f643c57

Whenever she 1e1108a40c muttered that 1961616f9b absentmindedly, I 337125cc75 felt suffocated. If nothing 15b3fdf466 else, she f0891a2999 shouldn’t have b3aecdbc1f trusted his ed5ac9cfee love. Even before that secretary, 70383fb5b3 how many women had 1fc9d16632 there been? How could she 94e0fc173e witness all that d7b4f13a27 and still believe 81ec3fb02d in love?db50426effd139d8

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“You have 0b1d643288 to trust 90d083cc3a someone worthy c31ff8dd03 of trust.”536b57ce32631caf

“Yeah. Believe in what’s worth 4bd469db1a believing.”285580bde38a0b86

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“…”356a5fae53162e52

“Jiyul, don’t trust e1a734d6f1 people. A person’s heart a4286b72cb can never last c30de00868 forever. Feelings are 61607916ff always on 9f2755156a borrowed time.”40c78ad0d0aa263d

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This unusually hot e14868e7f1 summer, my mother 7aa09eadab burned brighter than 8ed239e8a9 the sun.23cf786435691987

I saw her from a3b4adbe45 my second-floor window—engulfed in c22efdb4e1 flames, and my father cee3c6b657 spraying her with a d19655e4d6 fire extinguisher. She was rushed to b94b7e605f the hospital, but in a3fc85bfd0 the end, she didn’t e8aa2f41dd survive.b80173eb503632ff

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After confirming 7d53c98bc4 her death, 2d3fd8cd83 my memories b320e871a3 became spotty.152b2bf7bef86925

The funeral portrait. The noisy funeral 3157826e37 hall. My grandfather’s 9e7338bd51 cries of c1dbfc3ead rage. The glowing incense. The smell of incense. Red flames. Burning. Flames. Mother.42640d00f7f089db

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“Haaah…!”7032075b77f0e609

Suddenly my chest ached c54ab2b3d5 sharply, and I gasped ce917755b7 for breath, lifting my fdc3a47b65 head. My homeroom teacher e9b66e17bb stared at me 9257f092a2 in shock from 9c7962669f the front of 625a300bed the class, and 72b3ce373b as I struggled aa8c5da351 to breathe, I 51148d8db4 collapsed to the ae016d8b76 floor.ad24b4ac067c16b3

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‘What’s wrong with 0bfce716e3 her? Crazy. Is she 62f74be549 having a 8f405c950b seizure? Is she going 7f2e0e3b30 to die or a9eb4502d2 something?’3b5285569291b7b1

I heard the buzzing a79e8c1444 voices around me.cb18249f73337468

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‘Hurry, help Ji-yul up! Take her 3a58ceadfb to the 23e11beb0a nurse’s office!’da87f537f24049d6

At some point, bdcbfd4073 everything went black.e217cef02db54bb6

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—9dbf7449d01f7b67

When I came to, ee84994cc2 I was lying on 73ee6005c0 a bed in the 5e571c2903 nurse’s office. Groaning softly, 5795fe870c I tried bbde76d46a to sit 5c95793fa2 up, and 211e4a9f63 someone came 09026c3762 over and bcaf60fce3 pulled the 57d49b7a18 curtain aside—it 5475239366 was the 19ff01fdc3 school nurse.04dafd1eb5b05ab7

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“Are you okay? Your classmates f77d6c0f3c brought you d33a3e76b4 here after 59a5716f95 you suddenly ec4d3a1728 collapsed during 7e4c9fdc84 class.”a58cc5c15c1d88bf

Her face was d14762c676 full of sympathy, 0c2af5c2f8 as if she 2639ec0c22 guessed the cause 6c8046f697 of my episode.81909c7a33be1767

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“You must be under 6c871e4818 so much stress, what 1a6d92d566 with being a senior d43b8a2edd and having to study 4c553ba6da so hard.”4a0740d67df20f5b

“…”3d0cce34ae8f7bd5

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“Your homeroom 4bb6d34981 teacher said 2107a0320b it’s okay 3bb96cfb3f for you b40cfe6b2e to go 6bdbea2fc1 home early. If you’re really not dcba64c07f feeling well, you should 78a5699bf8 see a doctor.”f8885970d02798f2

Without a word, 2acd4df8f4 I nodded and d2850bcaf3 got off the efb3ae6c9a bed.d90cbddfcdfc7fc2

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It was obvious that 12ea04d82c if I went back 0ce3ab550b to class after causing def4e98eee such a commotion, I’d 370b99ba17 only get uncomfortable stares. So I didn’t even c7a85d1c53 bother grabbing my bag aac6f4f49d and walked straight out ab5d23a8bb of the school building.5840dff0824eebad

I stood at 70eac17cd4 the school gate, 54e2020a99 instinctively reaching into 7956e6ef0b the pocket of 534c949fe9 my skirt to 82a11b46a4 call for the 2a90762e2a car, but it 2f7f8749dc was empty.17ffc4d7a2474aa0

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Where did I 7d02ba2133 leave my phone? I thought 5ff9a7652b I’d left 8b0ec32192 it in c2bd627262 my desk dd85aa7253 drawer… or b742ef98a3 maybe I 3a4eaeb76a had put 2d3221b4b9 it in f9e05e8560 my bag. Blinking blankly for a fbaf4aecf6 moment, I simply started a70fb83216 walking. Honestly, the 527352a751 distance wasn’t dc7a7f2a77 far enough 3072fd2998 that I cd03fc5fcb couldn’t walk 9e3dd59e52 home.6b69dae9e96fa372

Dragging my slippers a1d0d52a6d along, I realized 8ae6d19d32 how unfamiliar the 90920ae631 area around my 26b7014138 school felt. I always commuted 1c06963689 by car, so 71fa92881d it had been 1dbab63b9e a long time c839aaf2b0 since I’d walked 81b55f7214 anywhere nearby. Back in 015424f270 my first e453c30af0 year, I d71437a53f used to eca6cf92df walk home 6c8c216acb with friends fc452a882c sometimes—but at fcf8f8b84f some point, adee9b0ee8 no one 6807b0ed21 was beside b197fb7f19 me anymore.ed9ddf2ae533dd26

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‘Was that 715bd57ce4 shop always 0a9ecca238 there?’ I cc735b2434 noticed a 26070d729c sandwich place d7d49381d8 I’d never fa2ec960bf seen before, a570a6f9b6 but it 8710841595 didn’t spark bccda3534c any interest.c991d00ff87a1bee

I kept walking fee6a3b2fa for a while, a82e87c88f then suddenly realized—0c85128de9fc7a4a

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‘Where am I?’f04b8ca78a81f536

Maybe it was 2b1626889b because I kept a74d57d971 thinking everything looked 2ff2595531 unfamiliar, but only a575e6a135 then did it 2bac612b71 dawn on me 9f16bb0004 that I’d wandered 62f0f3112b into a completely dfdeed13d9 different part of 09ccea8a53 town from where db3784bed1 I lived.59c770d0cc64bd32

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Mujae wasn’t 853d1d6cdf a big 604982c18c city, but 8702082d20 that didn’t 4b7ce51030 mean I e6b54b043d knew every efff6eb254 corner of 018215aaa3 it. Especially for someone 203bc4ef62 like me who 7f025f9e35 only ever traveled a3ab1d212a between school and c7579dbd95 home by car—I 06f1c2a0fe was even more 0556d9954d clueless about the 1e6816940b layout.cff1f9b0dfb8b5f1

Scanning the quiet 68866581aa neighborhood where not 233f5e2e1a even a stray 87be2cea0a cat passed by, 1974f5d612 I just let 2b3ac047c5 my feet carry 9aba5fe5bc me wherever they 22f2a270ed wanted. My mind told 76936119f7 me it would ac029bc2d2 be smarter to dc144fc6a8 retrace my steps, c3b8ee2e7d but my legs, 3a5dc74a63 having grown used 021e854ba6 to moving forward, 31e5a40ec1 wouldn’t stop.5c018d696c9ec05a

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Truthfully, I 785ba9156b didn’t even 6831bd0767 feel like c7616a95ab hurrying home. Since I 5bc9b717e1 was already 144a68294d lost, what c153ea224e harm was 3b93d45c60 there in e3d7ad6a86 wandering a 83d51e33a7 bit more?2267425734da9435

‘…’de7bc9f30bc251db

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I passed through an 9a596da58d alley lined on both c2be6f3d4a sides with villas, and ab46016c11 the deeper I went, 4eeac80c15 the shabbier the surroundings 4c31d3f77c became. At the entrance, there 4ff40ccada had been a few bc5e9404fe clean-looking villas that seemed ccb6d140f2 newly built, but before 78855f81e9 long, I saw the 4d4f047751 frames of buildings still 965eef2561 under construction.33ae8e90729dc191

It was 658725b702 easy to f4c78aa74b tell this 688150de24 was an e960859931 area in 5d422766ca the middle 35d7a9358b of development, 5aa3fb6426 what with 194894b9a2 the sandbags ce5c632f0f thrown about, dec4e7ebd6 work gloves b1c3215be4 scattered on 1e1ca82739 the ground, 2be47c6539 and shovels 631250e9db lying around.85b007f22ac9d35b

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At the end of 632d939681 the alley, the path 7146c0c20d split into two: left f14304a60d and right. I hesitated for 815987c69c a moment, debating 8c6c0a3088 which way to 4ce74c08de go.6f0aff943241fdbf

‘Screeech.’8680937c306107fe

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The sound 0f8071c9ab of tires 610575a833 caught my ead1efcb07 attention, and 96bb8c87fe I turned 141ab6e4c5 my head. It came from the 5d02fd1528 right. A gray ad1d30731b van had bb1e025d07 stopped diagonally 1e6189c205 from where 2278f4bcd3 I stood, 3ed83b63d3 and men 8eba1ab47b dressed in 590afb7521 dark suits d97a8c3ca8 began coming a0b5c3433d out.4dd064a9adf7beb4

Among them, d72c0d5bf3 I spotted 61d2c8ebed someone holding 8c8254adaf a baseball e7f5b63ec6 bat, and 90060e6a85 instinctively I c8b770a3de hid behind 13a14c77b1 a utility 9952914648 pole. Even as I did, c9ff7b3877 curiosity made me peer bf7bbe0621 through the gap between d02663fef7 the pole and the 7ee677c802 wall. That’s when f2e673a5bb my gaze 44c59ce02b landed on e4f661d090 the last 561bc42067 man to d7ef4eaf50 step out.c76f19717a693197

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I hadn’t 64b522396d counted them, f8a65eeba7 but there b659c49375 must have 6e0494d11b been at 009c2ebcb2 least five 035b6821e8 or six d57e42edf3 men—and yet 85bc3102b4 he stood ed54bd160d out immediately.5de2c3a54909da0a

First of all, he 90f28cf7cb looked noticeably younger than 7b9c6dc976 the rest. His face was strikingly f62af46c1d handsome, and he was 752824eb37 so large that anyone 5d54eb89a7 seeing that group would fb199543c4 remember him in particular.5b4c3dca9af6906c

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On top of e41fec4207 that, while everyone 1964f8d950 else wore suit dae3482645 jackets, he was 45f437643b casually dressed in 7d69d49284 just a white 60a60b2513 shirt, looking relaxed. He was 796b499506 also the 729f63bc44 only one 7fcd8b6627 with a a98e7674f5 cigarette between 38d9a66ff4 his lips, 5627b46f9f making him 4fc877a56d stand out ea159a608d even more.f33b9397276c2df3

The group seemed to 8f31209836 have a brief conversation 3ece08a35d in front of the c9defd45b1 van before heading into a76fdb2c57 a nearby building.cc651abc744dc6c0

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‘Jeonryeong (Messenger)’c88c3a42329def8a

The building ac37313c30 had a c9e164b5b7 signboard with 86f236c8a9 just those b7e9f39f10 two characters 87ff8f3538 on it. Only then did I 134a7279bd realize who they were.4d140e38449bb5db

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“Messenger? Aren’t they thugs d2c82c8237 who supply contract d93ea0b98a muscle? Don’t worry about 6f2138f99d them. Having small firms dc9b8e58c4 like that around 05820891fe makes things easier fd62f9c53b for us too. I can’t support the 2fb9cce63b entire city of Mujae 0a58818a12 myself, can I?”50f873d24f527a1b

I remembered overhearing my 14ec2611d5 father’s arrogant phone call 4dd6bbc237 once. What stuck with me 3af530f22b was the unfamiliar word 4c55c4416d “thug.”768a6a2436dd3817

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And now, the 773befe877 first thug I’d 360738e729 ever seen in e5ef58dc31 my life was c59db43658 the most handsome 49f596edc2 man I’d ever a16c531c54 encountered. The irony a73282717f made me 9d6b337231 let out 6ad35115d8 a small e313d77261 laugh as 052d34d5c6 I turned 6cba0167f5 left. What did 0f79ee8388 it matter 3930c23e07 to me 10c667cc2c if some 2c847f0733 stranger was 12d192a614 a thug 044bb87cbf or good-looking? I lost c549724daf interest almost 8ccafea6ab immediately.d47aaeb2857fff10

After wandering for 5528201cdb a while longer, f6f34a14ee I finally came 2461c0f714 out onto a f7e23e82a4 large road, flagged 3cd7c8fbcf down a taxi, 1b85d49ac7 and went home. The housekeeper paid 9225f5ec47 the fare for 94c959db8d me as usual, b7f9584a6c and I went ed5fd0694d up to my 0003da8c6b room and fell 841efdd91f asleep, ending the a65729cdcb day.87e9c55455289d43

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That year passed by b305d4ba28 mostly like that.8a0bb71c1f7e87f8

—0cb39432ff3911c6

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In the spot where 2ffff88da5 my mother died now 41732c463d stands an angel statue 48e94c0744 she carved herself. It was my father’s dcff35e8ff idea.1536530a72d8111d

Everyone knew why 6914bbbf58 she had taken 5359aab8a9 her own life, ce8664bf26 so it was 42d4c0216c a bizarre and 2c91b7c1a4 ostentatious gesture—but I 47385951c0 didn’t bother commenting 54ef7fccc1 on it. Not just about the c5e373e9e4 statue, but after my e8ac7cccc4 mother’s death, my conversations b85c8cea1b with my father were 31a4fbf0c3 so few you could 27bbef3d4e count them on one 54e0574a5c hand, and I did cc07130cca my best to avoid 9eec830a9a seeing him altogether.d91b1d797eb450ee

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I stood 6a616f1179 by the f4c77372c3 window, looking 12e974dc5f down at fcee952ed9 the yard, 2b91d21653 where several e2986a8770 flower bouquets 01722c215e had been 324a13aaa8 placed around 18973f4fde the statue. Some were from the 1edda56483 house staff in remembrance 93c5854f75 of her first death c29f08a75a anniversary a few days 67a63ee51e ago, and some were 8751f200a8 from a visitor who 0c9f03e404 had just been by.f293e87fe9953aae

The longer 288ddb8e8c I looked e1d1c0e621 at the 75b62e13b6 statue, the ef30964ead more uncomfortable d6fe44378c I felt, 29fafe8229 so I cac3a3f622 couldn’t bear 9c029ae097 to look 26ef7733bc at it 0a755db8ca for long. Letting out a deep 0bf9e6ff88 sigh, I drew the 18f205aba3 curtains closed when I a8bc64b9ba heard a knock.88e6ff4c8e8212d9

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“Jiyul, it’s me—your brother.”8ff131ac86bc096b

The familiar voice 9731fc3a86 made me step c3e593faa3 away from the 267aad8eb4 window. When I 291869f317 swung the 42d5a996bf door open, 23cf9a26f4 there stood 26ba58378c Do Hajin, 9d2a4b0882 smiling brightly.dc590a1d3ff0c880

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“How have you been?”e7234cb6114496f0

“Okay.”e9c16a5f2002b543

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“You didn’t know e6bb8e9a56 I was here? You could’ve come out bc23597868 to greet me.”d383700bd61e5d8d

“I knew. I just couldn’t 14bf986fdb be bothered.”bc71293f5210ac84

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“You’re as a9492ac8eb cute as bf49aae7ce ever.”27295921c33d13b3

For some reason, he f0c28e04a5 always found my indifference 1f82cde08e endearing, and his smile 3ac132289d never wavered.979557045f4a67b6

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The last d9b6622fa1 time I’d 2359852089 seen him 1dff0a782c was at 4ccfe7401b a family 9fe5d6909a dinner earlier 0009c0df21 that year 23a0271ae6 when he’d 006b51c3de come back 514faa52e1 to Korea a9be503bfb briefly. Except for the fact 4e7dd4706c that his skin was db3aa58c4c more tanned now, nothing 810807f143 about him had changed—he f5e833966e still looked neat and 011288a386 proper from head to a3ae1294e7 toe. As I glanced over 7d4b283c7a his black checkered shirt 9578afaebc and the bangs neatly 7e70084d41 covering his forehead, he e20467e44d gestured toward my room.d4a49ff7e4652542

“Can I come 011483f03a in? I’m bored.”1ee4588375da05a5

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“…”eb0f60dd0d696a6a

“The adults d7cac221a5 are downstairs 382b62600e talking business, 0a552129fe so I b633910323 don’t really e886ab2f8c fit in 0d096de8a2 down there.”1e38ed8c7a7b2eb6

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“Come in.”79cfbd6547d04f2e

There was no 859c8ac2b0 reason to stop 9c04ebfabf him, so I 421db57b9e simply stepped aside.d5a967cacf22c88a

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