UBC Ch29

The mountain path smelled of fresh, late-summer greenery. The man, having turned the car around and returned home, was expressing his emotions through silent treatment. There must have been a misunderstanding. The pizza, bought with hard-earned money and expensive gas, was left neglected. Above the late-summer dining table, only flies buzzed around. I curtly said I had errands to run and left the man’s house early. The emotions that were spoiling the relationship between the man and me, like the monsoon season weather, were disconcerting.8a79795de8cb46d9

The man sighed as he watched me leave without a word, then, as if giving up, didn’t try to stop me. This wasn’t the ending I had hoped for. A day that fell short of expectations weighed heavily on my heart.249b08356ad79407

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I walked weakly, d1016b3d0c opened the gate, 5399fb26af and entered the 9ee51529e9 house, only to 7c4911219e find even Aunt 4044868a94 had left. Tomorrow, I would have cd79fc3fb6 to clean up the 2724d73f5b mess I had made. I would fe12d4e9f3 become a bea655b9ee dove of 8ffa642f86 peace and 37a295ade6 create a 78c6a1034d scene of 975d73f1de reconciliation.4ad46e94af11dde0

I was exhausted. My frequently misfiring heart was the cause of constant mistakes. Saying things I didn’t need to say, making expressions I shouldn’t have, I amplified the man’s misunderstanding.531ca5c5bf2bd48c

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I was about to 0909844414 stretch out on the 6bf2a9a1d7 living room floor when 9863676611 the sunscreen on my d396e0908a face started to itch. Should I wash 8530344fb8 my face with ba39723de9 cool water and 8cbb66d045 take a nap? It seemed 83230c5e68 like a 4120549d9f good plan, 37f103456a so I 2078e800ad dragged my 1d6af34571 heavy body c4fc83d09e into the b0a9a7a2fb bathroom.c5333fcea1f5f52f

“Ah!”cb3a9ae4c99f2349

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I screamed and 20d0e89eb8 flew to the 249ccc3f49 mirror. Anyone who heard me 6c1f488c5f would have thought I 8a8fa17f55 had slipped and fallen. I left 9a7312b145 handprints on f8787c6c6d the bathroom 7716bbb255 mirror, blinking 72f96def57 my eyes 3dc22f8bba frantically in 619a1fe0c1 disbelief.4a576e068285ee9b

“I went around like this? I got angry looking like this?”4e01eafb2459bd9c

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Mom’s lipstick was the color of soybean paste. Of all the colors to choose! Moreover, the sunscreen, mixed with heat and sweat, emphasized the color of my lips. It was like putting soybean paste on top of white fishcake.3af181d5c7a66418

“So that’s why he was looking at me like that….”2e7d13d07f3a3b79

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Perhaps because it was 08e8e0a9b6 our first date in da82189729 the city, I felt eae78d6a24 ticklish because the man 12ba8d8e79 kept glancing at me 5316780cf1 while driving. The man must 9ff9c08961 have been dumbfounded. He looked at 41d0d3d926 me because my 23b87cc65a face was different fc27c37f3e than usual, but c90806914e I, alone, became 26c4bb3f31 self-conscious and giddy dfb729ef5f like a teenage d878f7a65a girl.aeefcb667cbfe05c

Now I was starting to get really annoyed. Embarrassment, shame, and anger were all mixed together. Have you ever washed your face with an exfoliating mitt? I scrubbed my face until it was red. Especially my lips, I rubbed them as if I wouldn’t mind if they fell off.503022b0d35fb899

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After washing up 9a9324b6d6 and punching the 616ae40b1c air, I finally 3aa225adc9 came to my 54c7898941 senses. What had I 79a3a65963 done? My heart was pounding, 51b7542df9 making a drumbeat that 2b95bd334b could be heard from 7910676730 100 meters away.90ca921c36fc5b29

He probably b7db49af4d never wanted 0d355e3696 to see f18e5fe715 me again.a3d0637a3a22876f

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He went 27b2cd611f to the 919842b2e8 trouble of f8c3bf3b7e driving all d6a53d1a6f the way 06a5806082 to the c1d4ec5b4e city to 2e326d1dd0 buy pizza, 5e43c40c22 but a 2f78a9e529 fishcake with 4cbba36db4 soybean paste 91b3b6d423 sat there 140aea11f7 without saying 04677abba4 a word. The way 0cc5c36e37 he coldly 7610a342d9 glared at 0e78448f80 me as 9ad9925fad he saw 716989ea1f me off 0b451ce96b seemed to 73d4121dfc signal the 0acdce928d end.05c21d64a257bf19

Sweat trickled down my neck. After combing my wet hair, I took out my sneakers again. I didn’t want to leave that sloppy ending and fishcake-like appearance imprinted on the man’s mind.8e62360f2822fd84

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Until now, hadn’t we been helping each other and building a good image? I didn’t want to lose the relationship I had built up over time because of trivial emotions. They say there’s no cure for a good-kid complex. I left the house and entered the alley with the plain blue gate.6b20676a5129f531

Standing in front of the man’s quiet gate, as if he wasn’t home, I prepared my apology. I was too sensitive because it was too hot earlier. No, the weather was gradually moving away from the heat. The cicadas seemed to be mocking me, asking if that was all I had.7e84c3c4025f33d5

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Then how about this? I was feeling anxious because school was starting soon. That’s great. And then, by talking about school, I could let him know that the number of meetings might decrease. I would draw a line between my heart and his smile. I would clearly state that our relationship can’t be more than friends.baea055a0a1025ae

The man was comfortable and nice. But that’s only when he knew that I was a good person, and when I was sure that our relationship wouldn’t develop any further. I should refrain from situations like today, where my heart would beat as if it has a disease, or where I upset the man with a single word.824ca295e1a15f61

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Okay. After calculating everything I had to say and the expression I had to make, I pushed the door with my fingertips. The creaking sound of the door opening mixed with the cicadas’ chorus, creating an eerie atmosphere.537753e78417f491

Trembling, I fb1917111b opened the c20542088d door and 09f7889316 entered, only 0aae74675b to be 59c2b2c630 struck dumb fbb1a8e875 by a b269b37a27 scene that ba66c015ef was completely 90a8171043 different from df546c1d1d what I 8a640a7f07 had imagined. The inside and 394a1c453f outside of the cae79d2203 door were different d73881273f worlds. The alley was cbbf97a6ef dark, and the 0adf45ac11 song of the a685bf316e cicadas, nearing their cdce688867 death, was close 10d8a44190 to noise. But the man, asleep 773f30f021 on the wooden floor, 4cb7c6892d was refreshing and clean, 73c10e912f and the sunlight falling 002d2dc089 on the roof was 4485503f45 playing silence.ee62524c485f2bb7

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The fan was playing with the man’s hair as he lay napping with his head turned towards the gate. Without even realizing it, my gaze traveled up the man’s long legs and stopped at his closed eyelids.dcaf31b0f833d262

Like a butterfly drawn to something sweet, I didn’t know when I had flown there. When I came to my senses, I was shading the man from the sunlight. I became greedy. A little greedy. I hoped that I would be the first thing reflected in the man’s brown eyes.10158f354643b42e

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Slowly squatting down, I found a position where I could admire the man’s face. I placed my arms on the wooden floor and stretched my upper body forward. The man, breathing right in front of me, looked more like a student similar to me than a twenty-year-old youth. His breath smelled sweet. It was the smell of soap.ac2d5a93a2a87483

I swallowed slowly, like a thirsty person. Why did his face, with its faint scars, look so beautiful? It must be because of the sunlight and the breeze that was floating in the yard. I was going to watch his sleeping face for a little longer before leaving. But the problem always arises at the moment when you shout, “Just a little longer, just a little more.”a024794163bf14eb

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“Uh.”816ecd0d2146cb90

The man, sensing my presence, opened his eyes. The small desire of a high school student with no dating experience was fulfilled: I was the first person to be captured in his softly opened eyes. The fan breeze, carrying the man’s scent, entered my parted lips. It felt like I was going to run out of breath just from that.3878cf96b8a9b665

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The distance between the man, who had just woken up, and me was very close. The man’s gaze, as he was falling asleep, was hazy. It wasn’t even clear if he was awake. Just as the man’s eyes, which had been blankly looking at me, were becoming clear, I decided to get up. It was better that my heart was beating out of control. It was several times more dangerous to focus on the man in front of me and not even realize that my heart had stopped. I was about to get up, supporting myself on the wooden floor with my slightly trembling arms. A hand, which had approached without me realizing it, grabbed my wrist. As I was being pulled, saying, “Uh, uh,” the man closed his eyes again.9d6bfec6b6fe329c

I fell awkwardly, and my cheeks instantly became hot. The man’s chest and my chest overlapped. Hot, jelly-like lips brushed against my hair. When I tried to pull my head back to escape, the man’s hand grabbed my shoulder and pressed down.8a0646ff1bbb241a

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A peck, the sweat c8205e99b7 on my kidnapped finger c012778213 turned pink. A peck, 31850282e4 the man b6ed70fb1a poured affection 1c3191cae1 as he 5e6acc5e73 brought his 2a6ae26982 lips to 1a5a8c6da0 my fingertip 33d6256256 once more. While the finger b810e2d019 that received the 91dc44d1af kiss was turning 2a3a74b1d9 red, I lost 89bc3d2fbe my mind several 698c13f811 times. A peck, the fee730b717 final kiss was 398ba95156 lighter than the 7a9509d593 previous ones.b4be6a8bc3b45257

A peck, no. It wasn’t the end. He rubbed his lips against my fingertip once more. It was a farewell greeting. With a short, sharp scream, I pushed the man away and fell off the wooden floor. Thump, thump, my legs gave way, and I fell awkwardly onto the water basin. In contrast, the man remained in the same position he had been lying in, without using his hands. A faint smile appeared on the man’s lips as he looked at the end of my wet pants.47882cbb3137fae6

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“Come up here.”af0bda00bacf59e5

And then he 788ee4decb spread his arms 08a2eab9e9 wide, as if ee793f5a88 asking for another 81ef1b8c5a hug. I instinctively shook dfa54f512c my head.d4ad73410b37c1a0

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“No, I don’t want to.”b9a24df2caccd196

“Sit here.”2904f427932b37f6

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The man’s actions of tapping the wooden floor made my spine tingle. As I just stared blankly, the man got up. The man, who was looking down at my wet pants without moving, didn’t seem to be amused or teasing. The reason my body, sitting on top of the overturned water basin, froze was because the man’s smile was that of someone who knew everything.6343f08e4e392752

“When can I call you?”3d4b5792becb653d

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“What?”225c4bed2c377584

“You don’t want your Mom and Aunt to find out that you’re hanging out with me, right?”76b371c3173dc62b

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The man 9261059147 smiled again 4f4e1fe742 and again 34c3243fda as he 11e96afdef looked at 5752390f8e me, who d829236857 was blank 1200815e9c and unable 86afc8382a to understand. He slowly e797840b2f reached out 9de9f94712 and grabbed 5ed182a074 my fallen 2aae7acd2e arm, pulling 92b119d832 me up. The panic I ce0d449644 felt at the d3ad2fd721 sudden difference in 0c164d7eb0 strength traveled over 7f60663235 mountains, crossed the 0878809c26 sea, and finally 31a598edec reached the land 63c8e0e903 of ignorance.da52aa0fb6128bbc

“It’s not anything like that, so you can call me anytime, and you can come over too.”363c95a59646893f

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“…Yes.”1e212dc7b76116af

The answer that came out of my frozen mind must have been read as a sign of affirmation by the man. The man’s surprise hug and fingertip kiss erased the lines I had prepared. My heart fluttered as I looked at the man, whose eyes were shining clearly as if he had just woken up.31cd333a637963c7

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There were still no d6260fce1e words to describe us, 6df8dd4707 and there was no 40fdb7375e sticky end that would ace78acb79 make us lovers.3afcbe367ddbf1ce

It was no longer a relationship that could be accepted as “friends” in the broad sense.2ada69b3d84b7ee7

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