UBC Ch1

Kang Eui-joo died. Kang Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri, died. Chowa-ri, Maewa-ri, Dongwa-ri—my home was in this mountain village where these three ris (villages) gathered, a place called Wari Village. According to the village chief, it used to be called “Wari Village” until the Korean War.7237b1bc41675c79

I had b4732d65f9 never experienced 23ffe3c6c3 the death a99445c5e7 of anyone e941787a18 close to e91e579329 me, except 1dbeee92d4 for my 14b51f8548 father, who 0f906080a8 passed away fc84fb7fda when I 049e018c43 was a 95d4ed2e07 baby. So, I casually asked b4ac35938d my mom about the f7466c05e0 proper etiquette for a 0d17a9e8b6 funeral, just to be 3ffdf2d9ff prepared. I put ten thousand 92bee17498 won in a white 824bb87ae4 envelope, took the last b78fdd1ee1 bus, and hesitantly approached 8bd53a498f the funeral hall where 2e2eb2e85b men in black suits c0abb96262 were smoking. Like an aed7808aba uninvited guest, 9527440447 I stood f9657fed6e for a df7e602f5d long time b00b5dc595 in front e2f401b53f of the 99d2141295 stairs leading 825ffb2bee down to ad3bc17d55 the underground 1c7bde1294 mortuary.2096f53f6b50ada4

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Nineteen, the age of blossoming flowers, a senior in high school. I was born in a poor neighborhood in Seoul, where they say you can get your nose cut off even with your eyes open, and grew up in Chowa-ri. My mom, who always said she had a wretched fate, lost her maternal grandfather, three siblings in bizarre accidents, and ended up with only her eldest sister left. That was my aunt. Born as the youngest and having attended countless funerals, my mom embarked on a tough, single-minded life after handling her husband’s funeral. Despite being looked down upon as a widow, she strapped me to her back and went out to learn hairdressing. And just as she was about to finish her probationary period with a meager salary, she heard news of her eldest sister, who had married and moved down south.7c1dabfe58e04537

My aunt, who married the son of a brewery owner, suddenly appeared at her parents’ house one day and said, “I’m tired of being beaten and want a divorce,” and nothing more. In a time when it was difficult for older divorced women to make a living on their own, my stubborn maternal grandmother told her to endure it and sent her back empty-handed. After that, contact with my aunt, who had stopped visiting her family, was reestablished almost by chance. The story of my remarried aunt had trickled back to our hometown.8d1704f11eb15f25

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I was about 87031f8840 seven years old 04034ce450 when my mom 7fbd8a447b packed her bags ed0c3b7ab6 and went to 04462754b6 find my aunt. Having become an expert a160bdb341 at moving after working 05bfdc2e73 at diners, noodle shops, f18280b4a2 seolleongtang restaurants, and hair 9723678e55 salons, my mom got 58ab8a9983 boxes from the supermarket 185ab59731 and called her regular 45f11f5e33 moving truck driver.45bef3934e4469e6

She even quit the 1563eaa4b6 hair salon that had c0de57975d allowed her to obtain bf2c414131 her official license. But instead 00b146bcf9 of diligently f923335f62 searching for 3f0f25ea78 a house, 3a8bde8ed9 my mom f98ef90d71 impulsively bought f99e36a9db a state-of-the-art f612f1cf2b refrigerator. To me, 25ed0bd62d that double-door 07833c36e8 refrigerator felt b8ed54702a like an 4c11ce601e omen of 7653ae5345 misfortune. The hair 717c10d751 dryer, house 638148594e phone, and 91e7e7cd4b wardrobe that 0444d3f88e my mom 20a68adf82 bought on ea61f63f50 stressful days 4176f20ed8 had always 68819ffd4e brought bad 5a04a9176c luck.12380a056981d373

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“How is it?”708fbda3189a8a68

“It’s big and nice.”eea054c39444ecb1

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“This is our house.”ec4f09aba5dc72ea

After a three- or four-hour drive in the moving truck, we arrived in front of a detached house. A white gate like winter snowflakes, grape vines wrapped around the shade over the faucet, six kimchi jars left by the previous owner, a yard turned into a chili pepper field, and a cozy house with a red roof were all under my mom’s name. Holding my shoulder with my rabbit bag, my mom teared up. It was my mom’s own house, who knew the hardships of living in rented rooms.99a09dcd17046bd3

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“Hey.”2c1fb1bc1b7021de

“Yes?”238b4df5a3e0de32

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A woman with 950fe3288c a flamboyant appearance, 4cde81f589 wearing red lipstick 7361c2fc3c and pointy heels, f08080f215 came to watch ee27976596 the moving day. She glanced at the 0ba4bdbb2c scene of the moving fbead0806d truck driver unloading the bf620bed39 luggage and asked with 28b7100d2a an indifferent attitude.66b259d394aad63b

“Are you Yang Ji-eon?”1d8de7a653713b98

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“Yes.”b281d914dcc4ab8d

Later, I 534697090c found out 1f47f726cf that a d13aaafc4c significant portion f83627e2fa of the e5d907bec5 money for f15add298b the house 73123625ac we moved a0918417f1 into came 1f04641e03 from my 0544fe390b aunt. Like a landlord 00036cffd6 of a rented aca9162dbe house, my aunt fc32cf854d leisurely looked around 699a8fd541 the house and d307700c05 told me not ce862e449f to let anyone aab7de57ae outside know that 1d67ad93e4 she was my 5513714add aunt. She insisted 5d64a2022d that I 77def25cd6 should tell 0813c8f999 people she 7c1f16c0c6 was just 472717f8e2 a neighborhood 4c65ab801b lady or 2c02459d80 a friend 960faaff42 of my 00bcd9fc03 mom.f1470243d1138aa6

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I learned around the time of my elementary school graduation that my divorced aunt had married a wealthy man in Wari and was living cautiously, that her husband thought she had cut ties with her family, that she had actually lived that way for quite a long time, and that despite all that, she couldn’t ignore my mom who had come to find her and had lent her the money to buy the hair salon and the house.00ad5657c625d7f4

Our mother and daughter started a new life sitting on such complicated adult circumstances like a cushion. In this Chowa-ri, where you had to walk 30 minutes to the bus stop to get to the city, I had to wake up at 5 a.m. every day to get to high school on time. Although the difficulty of life was quite high, I didn’t mind it that much. My goal was my mom’s happiness, my happiness, and therefore, the happiness of all of us.dd5592f906431202

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Entering a city high school with strict divisions between girls’ and boys’ schools, I began to dream of going to college, a dream that didn’t fit our circumstances. I wanted to go to college in Seoul, get a decent job, and open a rose-scented flower shop after retirement. Spending my old age with a watering can had become my ultimate goal.be952f5d764d09d0

This new goal of going to college was born because my homeroom teacher in the third year of middle school had filled my mom’s lungs with air. The dream I had of learning hairdressing and following in my mom’s footsteps was hit with a fierce gust of wind. The aforementioned Seoul University, job, and flower shop were all part of it.4e2ac41d18a6554b

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With the support of my aunt, who wasn’t supposed to be my aunt, and the encouragement of my mom, who had become bold enough to grab the hair of customers who picked fights, I, who had grown up receiving the sorrow and tears of two women, sang flower songs until I was seventeen. That was definitely the case until Kang Eui-joo, seventeen, moved into the abandoned house in Chowa-ri.8523dafcf2f1b341

Kang Eui-joo.4ab23f8817151247

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After confirming the 4d0657486c name on the f755d61ad6 funeral hall lobby 0ee2726a29 screen, I slowly 4df12f412e took a step. In some rooms, 9686c5d1a9 there were cries cab7f226b8 of injustice, in afc614902c others, the sound babac76de6 of stomping feet, 9591830fad and in others, cac37e6c1d silence was drying 091af2e863 up hearts. I stood in front 842a23223c of room 101, the b3f740a8b8 darkest, most secluded, and 120cdf24b0 the only one without ad71cb46da a chrysanthemum wreath.b122b2985b61e23e

I didn’t know if a funeral was being held, or if there was a chief mourner. As expected, only flies buzzed around the funeral hall for Eui-joo, the outcast of Chowa-ri. There was only one pair of old men’s dress shoes in the shoe rack. Looking at the emptiness of the desolate shoe rack, I thought of Eui-joo’s sneakers with his worn-out heels.db128905c1bd9bf8

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“Idiot.”15cf3b236737b751

I didn’t want to cry, so I pressed my finger against the tip of my nose, which was starting to sting. I should have told Eui-joo. I think of you as a friend, I’m not ashamed of you at all, I’m not pitying you, I should have said that.80aadd521b9ad259

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Thinking about how lonely Eui-joo’s last moments must have been, I didn’t dare stand here.2dfa656cf15f1555

“Here to pay your respects?”f0e063f4e4fd362d

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Then, a voice that sounded like it had just woken up from a nap in the darkened funeral hall came. I didn’t know anyone was there, so I was startled and looked up. Inside the chilly funeral hall, in the area lined with white tables, a person was sitting.bf7af8bd7d03f2a4

“I actually have an older brother.”Eui-joo had 4b36f528af once told 15f5f03a3b me.68d18f2900f60f72

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The villagers gossiped, suspecting Eui-joo’s background. Even I, who only verbally protested that it wasn’t true, didn’t fully believe Eui-joo’s words. His mother ran away when he was five, his father ran away three years ago, and his brother left for work last year. Still, he said that his brother was the only one who found him a house, sent him money, and sometimes called.70202ef3ef2d3852

Kang Eui-joo, who d8fb30d23d moved into the e3d773621e abandoned house of 16de3255c1 a con artist 0f5066d713 who had committed 851b800816 large-scale fraud in 864c163f93 the village and ae384641fe fled in the 0dc7132fea night, was naturally 9f60c163f7 not well-received by 6c75567497 the people of 37472fd597 Chowa-ri.1fe59d446573917e

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It was my well-connected aunt who told me that Eui-joo’s funeral was being held. Now that I had come here, it seems that there were no lies in Eui-joo’s words. Unless my heart that cherished Eui-joo was a lie.a42933356eebfd9b

11:40 p.m. I, who had secretly run out of the study room and come all the way here, spoke with a nasal voice in front of Eui-joo’s brother. Eui-joo’s brother, who came out to greet the mourners, had broad shoulders, was tall, and looked healthy. He was 180 degrees different from Eui-joo, who had a frail physique and always coughed. I was just saddened by that dry face where no trace of Eui-joo could be found.5b4492566864529c

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“You’re Eui-joo’s brother, right? Actually, Eui-joo kept waiting.”f5df2dd74c95721b

Eui-joo, who was already weak, completely collapsed after the bullies at the same school threw him into the water. I had vaguely heard that his lungs or stomach were weak. Eui-joo, who didn’t want to burden his brother, only went to quack doctors in the neighborhood and eventually died on the street.07bda80cfdebd018

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The first person to discover him was an old woman called Jeju’s wife, and at that time, I was unaware of Eui-joo’s news because I was taking winter vacation classes. I found out late that he had died because my mom and aunt were keeping it a secret. He was taken to a hospital in the city in an ambulance, but he died, and they were holding a funeral at a remote funeral hall. He skipped school as often as he ate because he was sick, and I was his only friend and acquaintance.b8608fbd2e465d02

I had no one to pour out my resentment on but Eui-joo’s brother, so I cried and cried until people from the next room looked in. Eui-joo’s brother did nothing but watch me crying in my school uniform, holding a white envelope, crying like a child throwing a tantrum.a4c6630f72bfde04

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It would f1955192de be understandable c62989bc4e if a df7a9367de complete stranger 2beddd5270 suddenly came c6b91c5d6b and poured 8ef20c09f4 out tears b8746bf6a2 of resentment. It would be understandable ff25eddc15 if he was angry b328fa6ad6 at me for losing 43d2a791e9 my temper at someone 26f3f9d701 who had lost his 1a66f6b8db only sibling. Perhaps resembling Eui-joo, d065c32700 who was foolishly 2d8ed77a36 kind, his brother 8ffaf6cfc4 guarded his spot 7f7d250798 with an indifferent af310fe1f7 gaze.f852e639cb9f6e64

“I’m sorry.”7ca19074a18a64f3

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It was 8a9d84f0ee instantaneous that 2ac8783a54 my tears, 607a977509 which had 3dcd0b9338 subsided as 559e5482f5 they had 3c74b6bbde no one c99619ec43 to receive bcd7edf09d them, turned 4645e4a803 into shame. Without saying much, 249f18d1fe I handed over 9b3bcbe142 the white envelope 900ae2f448 with both hands.ef764e0ab7fbfde2

“Where do I give this?”63e74dabfec25770

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I hoped Eui-joo in heaven didn’t think I’m embarrassing. It would be a relief if he didn’t grab his stomach and laugh, saying, “What a disgrace.”67d0b400dd2ab882

But even after 9774f0ae0c a long time, 6d9db8aba0 the white envelope 8f522eced8 was not taken. My gaze, f164853aba which had 2005351798 been unable 9e981ddcf8 to lift 4e7992b6ae up due 06a3c3f438 to embarrassment, 6781a1240f finally reached 92e12978c3 beyond the 955f840f53 tips of 31060d3004 my shoes. His gaze, 182f5b6159 which had d932f7fd28 been fixed 0ab2eddb37 on the 0809d0e11e white envelope, f00f094901 also moved. I had 2380a80077 come to fca49557b8 pay my 32268ff7b5 respects, but bdcc9e62e1 only now 89f5b6f786 did I b52e134850 make eye 060fd63925 contact for e8c334c0d7 the first a50a200e4a time. Calm-toned eyes, exotic features, 26a45fe6fd but the impression he 18f415a8ac gave was that of b7f69545d6 a Korean person.9ddc0ae26bcd25e1

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I wondered if he was a person with only one expression. An unmoving corner of his mouth, cloudy eyes. It was as if he was telling me that he didn’t care whether I cried or not.7e91ab4b79bba269

“You’re Yang Ji-eon.”abcede7bedcfdb21

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Moreover, the fact that 194f6cf9d1 he knew my name d877611046 was another shock.3732d5258b50fd90

“Want to get some food?”98717da49c9b7bfb

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That’s probably why I, who had to go back soon, had set foot in the funeral hall. I was as shocked by my first meeting with his brother as I was by Eui-joo’s death.1255f6e3544d9db1