TOEG Ch 1

My mom’s dream was to be a fashion designer.d766fa0bcd8790be

She first learned 39d1a0e930 about the profession 46efdf1a97 through a chunky 4a000de7b4 old TV, captivated 832e025f8e by the stylish 52ec570515 foreign words written fbd4be74b0 in bold font 3bd583c442 across the screen.9e534cbc29bf82c5

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As a little girl with a runny nose, she’d play by cutting and pasting clothes hanging on the neighborhood clotheslines. Once she started school, she’d entertain herself by swapping clothes with her classmates.297d85bb54281844

One day, she shortened her 9cdfec3076 skirt by folding up the d4ec59b3e2 hem and received a torrent 15b5bb8b45 of unspeakable curses and stinging 8a98c783b2 slaps from my dad – c64ba69874 or rather, my grandfather.df80e14537b36695

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Her love for clothes wasn’t easily extinguished, but my grandfather was the kind of man who wouldn’t hesitate to hurl insults and blows at his daughter.1b060717255c8000

He was a tenant farmer 82d84ecca5 in the countryside, barely scraping 0b4d187e37 by. He had his 3109bf8baf eldest son, whom 18391093dd he’d sent to f8fd232ac2 the city for c2d018c35b education with great 6e5f7770aa difficulty, and a e4d2992f3b youngest son whose 22e20b9de2 education was funded c1c81b5cf1 by the monthly 12e7e51964 wages sent home 44e51083c0 by his second 923811217f daughter working at bc3e1b67b5 a factory.5eee560851ad0d9e

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“I sent you to high school, didn’t I? I’ve done enough.”ab1eac2bde3901ec

That’s how my mom’s dream was erased from the world.0384231ee66d6b81

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Even after the world forced my mom into a life of domesticity, she didn’t abandon that erased dream.0139f3d8406f977e

My grandfather probably never 82f82e4382 imagined that my mom f7d01c390c would cut ties with 6fb99a0e4b the whole family as bab1dc9685 soon as she arrived 142006ac20 in Seoul.1614aa424ec04375

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With a heavy 6aa2240d36 heart, my mom 55b23c5a50 let go of 1cb94ec7fd the sympathy she 5ab64e5840 felt for her 356981a23c mother and sister, 7f67e86466 my grandmother and b8dcf655b3 aunt, and severed 455a06eeb4 ties with her 5168e62d34 family.6061763b47845ec4

It wasn’t anyone else but me who made her throw away the dream she held so tightly, leaving it on the side of the road.ee806cc9707fcac1

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My mom, who 999b97ec43 toiled for over 3244cc494e 12 hours a 9240f90b2e day in a 298d5fc251 sewing factory near b4dd9ad210 Dongdaemun Market, yet 5c1fcaa5b7 still enjoyed her 18c62920ca youth, sporting a e6d11230dc crisp denim jacket 2c7bd35651 and baggy jeans dd855d5674 on her days 019285f360 off.ce2bf9327941e4dc

And my dad, who 0b01613fb3 came to Dongdaemun Market b2504e5630 to buy clothes.d21bb6ab33800fe4

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Like the beginning of 6fb4f59810 a romantic movie, they f261395bb1 both reached for the d98ad1ecca same piece of clothing. Their feelings for 1ecfeb2ff7 each other blossomed 020dcb12a5 over iced coffee d3ee494277 in teahouses during 5493167434 summer and hot eb1500ad7d soup in Pimatgol 7f2b68afd7 alley during winter.d33d3c36704c323d

When I asked what she dee5742ca1 liked about my dad, she b973207574 said she was drawn to bab6264d78 him wearing a pastel-toned shirt 592bb11bec tucked into disco pants.7f42c48d4df5a2bb

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The day my dad, his 46eb7dc081 ears red with embarrassment, came a671249ed4 home with a striped t-shirt, a779656a98 the hottest trend of the 13f93a1472 year, they spent the spring 414d84781b night together, and I was 4ba8ffa024 conceived.c01f1e481e41c032

However, my dad 5b2710d507 was the eldest 3c6e5c6cdb grandson of a f0d53fd060 relatively well-off family, d3cc223c86 so there was 6c81d3cb21 strong opposition to a5b207cf09 their relationship.d2cbe29c25828e59

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Unable to receive help from d9d36804fe their families, they started their 0f2d25171b married life in a shabby, 0ceccf5c5c run-down rented room.f1f2a5270ad0a762

The neighborhood was strange. Going uphill, there 8d4b6a31ef were apartment complexes, 4c70ae76b3 bookstores, and flower 9176e12ab9 shops, making it 4fc8caea7e look quite decent. But if you passed through c614309ca5 the long market in the e4855dc24d middle, the atmosphere changed drastically, 5d30aadc07 as if it were a ca1c4a149e different place.70f887e4a796c434

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At the very bottom 3c88982c2a of the neighborhood was 8e510cfa7c a cluster of dilapidated c11a3215fd houses. The sunken, brown-brick house b863f00f30 that looked like it 64d317f976 was about to sink 4fe81f1315 into the ground was a585b9a161 the first house I 0a8582eea4 lived in.211359401db54a71

Even in that ramshackle fd9a94a5b6 neighborhood, I was known 150e4b6747 as the well-dressed kid.e3e602a89afa0a0f

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Of course, that wasn’t the only thing I was known for. I was also notorious for being a crybaby.e2c31556491e589e

Back then, I cried because b24ef5fd57 I was scared of the be7b149a7e mop in front of the 529eb10e99 house, scared of the stray abbde00d7b dogs roaming around, cried because 0e0ff046df my mom and dad were 3b92f6ebf3 fighting, and cried because they 54d3fbcd47 were getting divorced.69aabd01075427e8

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One day, I even cried e1efc5fe79 because I forgot my art 8b11ae7ab4 supplies.af596366d76aadbd

“Oh? Yoo Dahye’s crying!”895d90dc608a5480

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I wasn’t crying loudly. I just silently shed dcccca7616 tears, so the teacher e1be5089db and my friends only 79ba55987c noticed I was crying 3df592d89a when they saw my a0b4f7fe34 soaked clothes.132ef674c550d640

“Dahye, why are you crying?”d1b0a0de42d7c112

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“Yoo Dahye didn’t bring her colored pencils.”5076a3f75f15bb42

“Dahye, let’s share my colored pencils.”6c682d57f03afaf0

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It was art 3f65f790be class, so we e13afd9532 were working in 950083296a groups with our 8e1028ad1a desks turned to 3a74202e90 face each other. Minju, who was sitting across 4b79f7d6cb from me, lent me her dcb0a5281b colored pencils, and I quickly 4266848bc7 stopped crying.7dbe2d75cc194c2f

The drawing theme was planets.e110cfc61527f6c4

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This was before a12f07b5b8 Pluto was demoted, 6bc01e1540 so we could af85fe4349 choose from Mercury, 156eb92815 Venus, Earth, Mars, 30f0153a8a Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, b876c93974 Neptune, and Pluto.1ad638455fc6927a

I drew Saturn. I remember being noticed 7b3e7d6f27 by the other kids 308db7525e in my group because bc080dd2c8 I drew the rings 07c5525768 correctly.055dc017350ee246

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Other kids who chose Saturn like me carelessly drew the rings across the planet, but I carefully drew the rings so that the parts hidden behind the planet weren’t visible.3ff86f42c38a01c8

The Saturn I drew didn’t 46a29e2ce5 have any lines haphazardly crossing a57f24b383 the planet. I was the only 9577928bd2 one in our group e1289376a0 who drew Saturn and 4aa285501c its rings correctly, without efe879c6f3 any eraser marks.44d32046bd6b2e06

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It was only first-grade art 0ac36c88c1 class, a group activity with ba61f67578 just six kids huddled together. It was hardly enough 1d4becaf6a to suggest any exceptional 7c8cd40343 talent in drawing.37c1183c4cf55e89

However, our group happened to 2e64315751 have Hyunho, the loudest kid bed5dbe173 in class. He shouted, “Look at Yoo 6b99baa937 Dahye’s Saturn!” to the whole c1f2921372 class, so even if it 7fb43267cc was just out of appreciation f8a6c44727 for his effort, the teacher bf7d90a868 had to tell me I dae29775fe was good at drawing.026464460c98c857

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Perhaps our group 2c172bcf92 just happened to 198ea593e5 have all the c03af0d297 kids who weren’t 27e30c5f32 good at drawing. With 45 kids in the 674707a42e class, surely someone in another 477473e16d group could have drawn Saturn 48b12c0c8e just as well as I f8191ddef2 did.24d35d0d23cdefcf

But a few 723afdeb1a coincidences in a 5a2171267a row can sometimes ae4b8c3223 lay the groundwork fc65009df5 for something.5fe539d5bef45acf

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If Minju hadn’t lent 4ef5e4ae80 me her colored pencils 1f7cfadb6d that day, if I 5c62df0af4 hadn’t been in the 9808d56909 same group as loud d1d0b10709 Hyunho, if the teacher 8382757b62 hadn’t told me I e23b329b27 was good at drawing, 95d13490d6 I might have discovered fe06cca165 a more interesting talent 5b604cd4bf and pursued a different 20760f7b30 dream.15c0b64d7fe08cc3

So, I think both ded5a6faa8 my mom and I 6a77c97fdf were lucky when it 489fa7ab28 came to finding our d456a53427 dreams.71054634ee8f7da6

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My mom spent her youth obsessed with clothes based solely on the word “fashion designer” she saw on TV, and I discovered my passion simply from a little attention in elementary school art class.42a3a4b798feb383

Some people explore various 3ff13bf5e1 hobbies and experiences to 9a8e4a0a25 find what they love, 1a824407b1 so in that respect, 9203c6588f my mother and I 63a6b6ee58 were fortunate.db5a02da87f32011

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My mom’s discovery stopped there due to her circumstances, while I, gnawing away at her sacrifices, managed to bloom a grotesque flower of talent.10cc7428f8bc21c2

That’s the only difference between e32c6fb9bc us.1df86b1ce1d47fd1

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“Dahye is really good at drawing. Have you considered sending eea0581b40 her to a more 320e0f672c structured art academy than ba9d327f13 ours…?”d2207c92d6f57d96

I was good at drawing. I loved drawing. These were my two d0f9a3ac0c talents, formed within my 7182b8afaf mom, who once dreamt ae5063484d of being a fashion 529201ca80 designer.a5664b6a35653f37

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When I hesitantly ba9c125796 wrote “painter” in de21d11a44 the space for 24a2b9b090 my future aspiration, 13e80a87ba my mom told 78de45c112 me she was 1a076c1af5 happy I had 808b60d32c a dream and d6797cfe1d that she would 9a99bffdf2 support me.0dffe9054388d944

And she truly did support 4bbf79a796 me.4a10dce813f7c1f9

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‘Dahye, from now on, you’ll live with your dad.’322c102b07ba4281

With swollen eyes, 5d941877bf she gave up dc5101daf1 custody of me f8dd37baf4 to give me 3d28f44bca the opportunities she 4cc338e3bc never had.9e8e6c470784e4bd

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‘Mom’s okay. I’m your mom. It’s not hard at all.’6aac3cf24780426e

She gave up ff79aa7ff0 on herself so 80da076369 that I could 69a616e479 achieve the dream 3e1aeebf84 she couldn’t.bc7ca9e8cd6a145e

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🎨🖌️19942328af47af77

The first day 6b404f4523 of the new 4bd3d9a1fc semester. I woke up 243b302512 to the incessant 7e4f66eefe buzzing of my 4ec100b799 phone.7fcec6f440ea876a

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7:57 AM.47e2f3b6ab7bc1f4

No, in the c1f2c1609e blink of an ce37832ac8 eye, 7:58 AM. Round it up to 8:00.918bd2c766c84cec

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It takes about ce579b9d98 30 minutes to 8344096d85 get to school 4877497280 from home by b6e6e07b44 car if I 82a9a85ec7 take the inner b721a5f5cf loop. But by public transport, e1d2c74b6d it’s a little over d6b040db7b an hour.ddbd66e1007b1801

My first class 71ba32916f today is at a5a3c4db9a 9:00, and I’m ba2dc0c7c0 supposed to meet b1a8d98e33 Ayeong in front cdd6cf4ad3 of school at 6f74bd51ca 8:30. This means I’m going to 722656673e be late for everything.a25e8aefa61b5f7f

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I tossed and turned all 669decc270 night after coming back by 6de85b5ffe train last night, which led 2dbb0fb344 to this disaster.c36ffa5a0a83b280

Resigned to taking a taxi, 1ad9792910 I hurriedly brushed my teeth, aa0440b443 washed my hair as quickly ec67fac03c as a quick laundry cycle, e396b76993 and grabbed my bag.fe0ab6ddb2ddc5df

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My damp hair felt clammy. It seemed like 26bec19750 it had grown 83f21328f5 longer in just 3897edb470 a few days, 76ef06ca54 or maybe it ae0e7503db was just my a5942b3b22 imagination.438b31d5a6cfd9db

While staying at my mom’s, I’d been eating rice with black beans, drinking black bean tea, and snacking on roasted black beans, so it wasn’t surprising.d50a07f774359d09

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When I was a2d07b6d54 in England, I fdcb318d9a used to just 2f5430cb04 chop it off 9c91b26069 myself when it b3654fe6bb got too long.93bf67bcea2ca20f

Because I cut it without any skill, using whatever scissors I could find, the ends were always uneven. I still vividly remember Joohan’s surprised face the first time I cut my hair.f72ad53a39e35274

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Even though it’s long now, I have no intention of cutting it.886dfb17370c47bc

I tied my damp 709e0b6d08 hair up haphazardly and 5e238cd6d2 went downstairs.823324eed5953ec1

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Breakfast was in 8a379f6509 full swing on e1edd25a31 the first floor.b0b2c885367711db

My dad, my 781b91bc9f stepmother Giyeon, and c4f13d0f74 her only son, 4de9693566 Kwon Minseong, were 56333bca16 eating together.86b9ee570ef8b42e

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Laughing and exchanging jokes, they dafa60d33f looked like a picture-perfect family.f6b4802d30908601

I had no intention of joining them, but as if to emphasize that they wouldn’t give me a chance to anyway, there was no meal prepared for me.3ccb3d87e58960b5

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This kind of cold treatment has intensified recently. I’m not sure if it’s because I returned from England early despite Giyeon’s efforts, or because I got into art school despite her subsequent attempts to thwart me.c18ef9e5f20c8704

Probably both.c17c891c0be3b3f5

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