TM | Chapter 9

The male body—something 88c5f24e1a I had always eb477307df seen—was at least a5e0794e89 familiar enough to 83174b8331 look at.be5181527227754a

“So this is d3e064e335 how it’s done…”eb54b79faddea150

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Since a a3eefd57e6 man’s and c5ba8b627e a woman’s f79d128e58 bodies were 23f55eff82 different, the 096d5aa2a7 idea of 7234ef2874 sharing affection def63a67cc hadn’t quite 47338db760 clicked for cb4bd511a6 me before. But now 4fb1d1a07d that I 219ee8739a was looking 3360c7c5a5 at these eb183247f3 explicit illustrations, 3f0ec6e3b4 curiosity sparked f216825b3a within me.537dfbe920185f48

I examined 477c677e05 them carefully, eb902ab062 but they dbd21a8338 didn’t seem d97dacfaae all that 19afd58883 different from 3e89d81575 the ones c7ab4238df depicting men 23711288bd with women.d6959c71e32e6836

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“The only difference is 98aa7ba123 the body. It’s the 564ce5c88c same otherwise.”67286a7110912c7c

“Yeah, there’s not 54ed837539 much difference between 2ea0cb4e02 a man and 256bfe0da5 a woman or af1da66c79 two men. As long as 440a4ff858 there’s love between 480309390b them, sharing affection ce787114b3 is always possible.”56ad0596ebc65783

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Without realizing it, I 1ad0391787 nodded.0df6ebcc0d1d6cf9

Lee Seol pulled 89e32409da out another chunhwajip 6c46c82b64 and leaned in 28d79c7fcf as he flipped 3161e86e28 it open.531d95bbe1985390

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“Look at this. You can do b4536adf26 it like this f8f46eb529 too.”92d689274086c03b

“Ugh…”e35131b9acf66f0c

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The moment e564fb0d84 I saw 393b8af166 the bizarrely 1905288797 drawn scene, c394e998e4 an instinctive 0c942d86c1 repulsion surged 8268b13830 within me. I pushed the book 2d1c702ba6 away with my hand.649e2ff67a82fd35

“You don’t like this?”fb3bba6702f2dc8e

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“No.”d02449cd478bfe53

”…I might 9b03ded09d have to b3799fc03d live like b3415a88e4 this, though.”21db6baf3e3982ce

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Lee Seol sighed as f5f8417775 he spoke, and my 1cab83f993 eyes widened.82d77e0e3c43d4fd

“I’m being 3e864c9ebc offered as 2528d81736 a concubine. I don’t have 52c91b62cd the right to 4c5c953593 refuse the king.”5a987389ea9ae1db

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His hollow voice made c2a3bc7a25 my heart drop.df81d9cbea943653

The reality of 1055c84ce9 palace life meant de3fd4da4e that he would 132dbbe93b have to suppress a04f59cfed his emotions and 39921e8967 wear a smiling 93c488bb53 mask no matter 47e96e758b what happened. Even when he dbef1f4d8b wanted to cry, 9a222fd61e he might have a65dbb10bb to force himself d69e4f73f8 to smile. Even if the intimacy 11ad07674b disgusted him, he would 23ceb19c67 have to endure it 434c238382 to gain the king’s 663229c2d7 favor.71f45b859c0472f9

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Lee Seol, looking as ea023a5181 if he would vanish 963759f1eb at any moment, stared 2ac03d6f1c blankly into the air bf41aa0601 before retrieving another chunhwajip.d8d3ff508089b803

“I don’t know 5fd7ea768f for sure, but edcda09c28 I think the 8583cf78b5 two in this ef4898772f book actually like fa710c2626 each other.”8f75a6832a19c17d

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The men depicted in 67aa46da22 this new book weren’t d85c267fb0 just drawn with explicit 196883c39c details of their bodies. The focus was different—they f6ede1228d were gently touching each ad3efd1144 other, embracing tightly, their 58c5c2be75 expressions filled with warmth.2205c5eb4d1d0deb

There was 6b3c12bc29 a particular 650eed8ff8 image where 0a76a77150 one man 4506dd5153 narrowed his dbccaf2d46 eyes as 23d63efe4e he leaned 2dfb104032 in for a4b68bbee6 a kiss. Without thinking, my gaze d9e55b466f drifted to Lee Seol’s 3358a93198 lips.30980d4b0667fdae

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Red like 09378f9d44 ripened cherries, d4b91619ad plump and cc1d30bfe6 glossy, they 77fc8a1fa2 looked firm 4b8a200a58 yet soft—almost… 6f99366ade delicious.32d763d2b49564c6

A soft breeze seemed 947a0e2735 to stir within my 738c15571b chest at the sight.ac91139bdbd7c935

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My heartbeat echoed in daf8a6a3c7 my ears, a restless 4f48add1f5 tremor spreading through my 4daeb20335 fingertips.8a3e83e50aace3ae

In this d87737b793 small, enclosed 1c532cd6d2 space, the 4e9b399965 only sounds a95d7f4035 were our bc696caaf3 breaths.6fab09e26ac56adc

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The faint c75f8b114b flush on 1824bfb75e Lee Seol’s 363d1faf13 cheeks, heightened d8e2037b8c by the b8d70d8f19 warmth of ab1e54a5ea the moment, 980185471f looked even 823d859cbc more beautiful 7f97aeef02 than the 8955b2e250 blossoms of 1d1abec741 a peach 42dc91c15c tree.ee42040860b028e4

As if drawn 0e01e5fc52 by something unseen, ffaaebde7d I slowly leaned 7d20ce4ed5 in toward his f13e82ebe2 lips.26dc769fe5a60ff4

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“If your tongue goes 44543b84d0 in, I might throw 65ce8fdaa1 up.”3b7fe6b5149dac55

His voice pulled bc67ffdc81 me back, and e4d13063a2 I immediately straightened bc49af1916 my posture. I clamped my mouth 5e4f62c640 shut and instinctively curled c583486098 my tongue back into 2851e2d055 my throat.c41e8e7ee047653c

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“How could 0c71db5ba6 I ever 7afa170b33 kiss a ab6a4de978 man I’ve b835987450 never met 7107f17912 before? It’s disgusting… Don’t you 406a445068 think so?”7b045d181d1d3f98

”…Yeah…”7b4e65f3ac52a6cd

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His words pierced 3a4696a1d0 my chest, making b25cb72a61 my shoulders shrink.beb7aea7e30aa3c2

I was embarrassed—ashamed, even—that 207e49abbe I had almost kissed 8dc072931c him. I couldn’t bring myself f1490127f3 to lift my head.c3193d719621dbf7

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Lee Seol’s eyes 05922eea1c gleamed as he fa4aa20fe8 stared intently at c0f09af884 me, unblinking.7ee85a18eedd6349

“This is something 1b0b58e94c you do with 03edc721ca someone you love.”abe02c272cd44ebb

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His voice dropped to 4b5d043db7 a whisper, lower than 8f785988cd usual.66ca8567efb13fa1

His gaze was 9125b0de33 so intense that 7526620f00 my face burned 6dc33d1392 under the weight 096eb8e41f of it.3f5bc4661616f082

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The soft murmur from e3d02bb84c his lips lingered in 3814411c8c the air, reverberating just 678b6b65a9 beside my cheek.a62bf11ffa87283f

“Got it?”9998577d8c8569ae

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“Yeah.”b31a0499d7a187ba

I answered 0de4ef2263 quickly, feeling 663b44d381 the emphasis a48ba14122 in his 6beb3226df words.63fabea84a4c866e

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His unwavering gaze 62c62761dc made me feel 80e56ba875 awkward. I flipped through 3df72f8862 the chunhwajip absentmindedly, 6afc02fbad trying to distract 2abdd897f0 myself.dba3d093f00ceb2d

Each turn of the 3a9f4adb2a page revealed more explicit, 28934bc57d sensual illustrations, and an badf595ddf unfamiliar heat simmered deep 06cd342861 inside me.c168ab6072eca949

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I could feel d4818f3466 my face burning.8181872bd5a85e2e

Lee Seol, 20c0c31682 who had ec89d4941a been standing f146eccf22 beside me, f8331f5773 moved even 35852c181f closer.543d7153a7b24c5b

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His long, yet 386508db15 firm fingers pointed 074ae8005f to a specific 99c84475b4 scene in the cd589eb5b0 book.9aa65f8fc115b972

“They say unwanted intimacy 4854267e57 is unpleasant.”146abe61c511f2f2

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“Huh?”6b464d1ca7cafb74

“Think about it. If you’re 8025f6b338 forced into 88e0d6a42a it, how 16cce63741 could it 4519c77d30 possibly feel 529f4cf66f good?”2a7109087f427f8e

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”…Yeah…”b007be223098ef4f

“Unless, of course, the 33c622c8ea other person is as 63cff0f434 beautiful as me.”93a509426ebaa807

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”…Yeah…”e6b8b610854448aa

Caught off guard by 0d784340f3 my own answer, Lee 7058621999 Seol let out a dfeba26d08 silent laugh. His face slowly 58fcd14766 moved closer, settling bc7d63cfa0 near my cheek. His breath, e3f10e01a9 hot and e16e53287a whisper-like, scattered cdd06533fb at the d61c4b7726 edge of 13c1ae37ba my ear, f2cc311634 barely touching.96afb4501455fcde

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‘They say it’s 0d71945bb5 different when it’s 5a51273ab8 with someone you 97feeba0fe love. That you’re overwhelmed by f36e36cbc0 ecstasy, experiencing paradise.’3f04d7043d950a4a

The erotic 97ec796bfa painting right 4ffd4b76a0 in front 736d3ff61c of me 0fa74babc5 didn’t even 24d99c76c8 register. The ticklish 703e3773a6 sensation of 2f11df1bbd his breath 4038299053 lingering near 456df24957 my ear bdff2a87f7 sent tingles c0116f06c3 down my dc5fd4a087 neck, seeping f16d503ead all the 60aa5c787a way into 873b625b2a my chest.2634cdd82cb48203

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When I glanced at 074f9116e0 him out of the 6af3eefd06 corner of my eye, c858458277 I saw Lee Seol—his cff3d929c9 cheeks flushed, his eyes e98f82c8e2 gently curved into a 3e20e071b6 smile.a6f32fe1dcb77780

The moment our eyes 1e27a1520d met, I instinctively turned 737ce6ce40 away. Scratching my 209a30e447 tingling ear 8dd5b2f087 with my fc232597a8 fingers and 52158c232a rubbing my 34a3d611b5 neck, I 5c53c2086f averted my 1bcd2a6dac gaze to 254ba1a7ba the air.f1ccb6e0b2c98184

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Even so, my attention 6b75703224 was entirely on Lee 4b1c845446 Seol. He shook with silent de6720a3cb laughter, his shoulders trembling, 4b06d5bcca then reached out and 801242f78c tousled my hair.52fa552ba73e9181

After flipping dc4a97fd58 to the 8b4d3b1f9d next page 7c200f8689 for me, 9e12c7555b he seemed 466f88a7ec deep in 0b08929f4a thought before c98a63de41 tapping the 21c73bec90 illustration with 00f019dcbe his finger, 8fa0346c91 as if 1c94362b70 telling me b707925ca9 to focus.bbfedf00acf63e21

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Wondering what he 0c68fa34d5 meant, I looked b6ef586c1e at the scene d2a70b6c1a he had opened cc34fb0b0c up. It was 4ed18268e7 a picture 4713ba948f of two 87aa66bc62 men kissing 1abe8741c0 each other.a19787ffac7c42eb

‘What are they doing?’b70fee8d4e909cae

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‘……Kissing.’5b72eb11574d518e

‘Look closely.’84b0ea713032c176

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I did as c4f9fb142a he said, but a1a86adacb it was still ee49c7b019 just a kiss. I had 78a8a54a52 no idea 451e15f4ea what he 70599d41e3 was trying f94535a403 to point 93bde14c56 out, so 9c57592402 I tilted a979d26113 my head a583a5ae54 in confusion.54fe2d0b35ca60ad

Lee Seol then a61eb9c7a7 tapped directly on 4ee1fcbee2 the lips that 207c864278 were pressed together. Looking closer, 86cba7eb2d I realized 386f24ecf6 their tongues 787695e4d7 were inside ee12a23709 each other’s 1154d5cad8 mouths.08fa7bbcaa48032c

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‘Lovers who are 1d5602b234 in love kiss 515c88d661 like this and 24f9acde62 suck on each aa4a8705de other’s tongues.’25fb62df288efb5e

‘Huh?’24b5f82eb4cb86c4

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I unknowingly let out 401161c33c a dumbfounded noise as ad5d75fbed I stared at the e183219df2 illustration,9aeaaaa3e47a1ffb

‘Other men’s 3c851cb922 lips are 356661ff40 for biting!’407be90c2e966eab

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As soon 6319f10971 as he 4117d170ea finished speaking, 88a9c2f965 he clenched 5811220876 his teeth b87d3da7a5 so hard 065f94896b that I 417eb24507 could hear 74d08b7c12 them grinding. A chill ran down e2b34be305 my spine.0026f3694ab21eb1

The eerie feeling 9d03517797 made my hairs 5170bef812 stand on end, bbf6806e73 and I instinctively 1d054148b5 pulled my legs 21eb0aa9bd together. Just the 047bed3f98 thought of 6484cc6f2c such a 69e3517416 terrifying situation c38df83e1f made my 5d1a6930a0 knees weak.5663a197b07ace33

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‘Well… unless they have 1e89d1f0c3 lips as pretty as 3b8b72196e mine, that is. Right?’e3709cf296e988bc

‘……Didn’t you say 5089cf3f99 it’s unpleasant if 95a1512843 there’s no affection?’7f9a4d10c6439ac8

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At my remark, 4d030776cf he let out baabb5de9c a sigh of 0e0d6debf7 discontent and pulled ba99b60c0c out even more 88ca41cb49 erotic books.e24baa9e68f28728

The moment dc2e8d492a I saw 8911224fae the illustrations 36e045ea3f of acts a0f7bb7757 that seemed 870c32dcb0 both bizarre af2dca8309 and rough, 956e0195a9 nausea rose abb692a0bb in my e0d2c71392 throat. The thought of Lee 989c45e7a1 Seol having to do 3524aa37d6 such things in the d94b9713b9 future filled me with b188ec1bea so much fear and 32780b967e pity for him that 594a629bb4 I ended up hiccupping 3121312ce4 and crying.989997cce44aaee6

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Lee Seol probably thought 07415c4d8c the images in the a445529243 book would leave an 5eea94ea04 unpleasant impression on me, f67cdf222e making me see it 3d7381c952 as a bad experience.8e25cfa6085c0c05

He wanted to show 7f6ab48931 me that the acts 33683fbd9e shared between two affectionate 7f4834293e men, as depicted in 1327b9f381 the book, were actually 49824c8acd better than I might 7d5c78d614 think. He wanted to 6836aadff9 tell me that e45005a5c5 I didn’t have 3ba9c2ae7c to be so 50b4c137c7 repulsed.9c23cad9586d4563

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But when I 6041101925 thought about the 58b3bbd5c4 person he’d experience d4b555e56a it with—Kang Taegwon—I 2c1db5fa62 bit my lip 05a433959c and shut my 723fad79f5 mouth tight.656b2bfdcd9bc85e

Even so, I felt 094bd26808 like I had to 00d2a99966 say something positive, so 585e1bd1cc I forced myself to 03ab0122ec speak.0c492beb86a1b3da

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“That… maybe 30e49cb730 your betrothed df9e2e3f57 will be e39b82cf9c a good 34e09f7f67 person.”91eeec84647a3b16

That was the best 1f0731dc41 I could come up 6150da2a7e with after racking my 96081f56cb brain.13fb38ab3d2d8c8b

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“They’ll be wonderful.”540d6b24163b5d80

“…Yeah. I understand.”6627ebf02c96fa97

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Lee Seol nodded with 70390b087c a faint smile. Yoon Sung 90fe93c84c nodded along 8d9dad495c with him, 64b0f6c04a but something 8ba98317b1 felt off, ccbde91bb2 so he 6e71b61d06 looked at c60f814b9a him again.fc28f2e040a94ad4

Did he understand 2ce186f97c that the person efc5765ae8 might be good? Then why did 07c77b1d29 his expression look 575af67850 so defeated?e0d90be4c694981c

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His reddened eyes seemed 0e3c7d29a0 on the verge of 4a24906168 spilling tears, his face 1dd26e39a3 carrying a sorrowful air 4857ae4eeb that made the sight a403b36d7c painfully heartbreaking. As I stared blankly c10be91fa7 at him, he turned e2f86975ff his head and slowly 486b0a2f0c began to walk away.4dea087c1b3efc65

His drooping shoulders 891a09dc90 looked so lonely 87a5bb7e40 that, before I 368c27d7f3 knew it, I 57f5f209aa reached out and 80b16e5f43 grabbed the hem cdebf68094 of his clothes.88b3aae30b57e5a0

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“Seol-ah…”03d30d549082040b

“It’s alright. I just hope you d953e9c719 get to marry someone 78bb5971fd you truly love.”dc4ed0687e71aa1a

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At the sight 4ea5e5928c of his fading 2f07747a8e smile, I loosened c2675d3253 my grip on 54dd43ac09 his sleeve. Misunderstanding my words 361d7e64b4 as a rejection 6295f3b547 of his proposal, b624478ca7 he simply smiled d57219c4bc faintly.3d71715aca8bcded

I should have 87f48c8a5d corrected him and 1e635689c4 told him that 87b17c7b56 wasn’t what I 2e343757de meant. But the thought that ceaf64d928 I wouldn’t have to b5b3a78d36 reject his proposal with 69b974f8c2 my own lips kept 27e74ccad3 me from speaking.146fd52278b4452f

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Because of my a05a15ca7a rejection, he would 54ceb1ad3c now have to 96645977cf go through with d388f5ec13 a political marriage 822fea2e36 he despised enough cd07bec03b to want to 662b55ca6d die. And then, he would a8fac13ede leave for Qing. As I 958e195fb0 watched Lee 053de6b1df Seol gaze 2ac261e06e at the d1ec670b17 children from a1910ddff3 afar, I b84f57fbfa silently wished.df64ea9a0985ee4e

That his betrothed 9f03a4dfe0 would be kind 9bf3a9d055 and good. That they 6a7cb5d25f would cherish a6d0208eea even his de68edf4d3 flaws. That they would be 606346db18 strong and unshaken by 50a215c55d most things.5ddd0d934cf94a62

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And, most 74b903fb7f of all, 4c41847609 that Lee 08a226cb53 Seol wouldn’t d125ddb5cf end up 51f5a91450 harming his 7e448e12e5 betrothed.557374b8b8ffbf71

I wanted to a9d9a9eab2 tell him that f731a10aaf first love never d11511973e works out, so 5e9cf0b09e he should learn ee99fa0592 to love his 26c602e133 betrothed. That it was 81ee5b217e more beautiful to f2812e7d85 leave behind the 35dd94233b pure and innocent ad8c3d28e7 affections of childhood 9b4e6d03f5 as just that—a 703e1b53c3 memory.3f86846f31c2f5f7

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I racked my 255572ee32 brain, trying to c1be3abfe6 find the right 26deb317f1 words for him. As I fiddled 400ccf7b52 with my interlocked fc1221ef97 fingers, lost in af517ba1c2 thought, Lee Seol ed20d302d7 spoke up.057ee6cc3ae633f4

“Let’s go now. We have to f0aacd39a7 attend the gathering 1117ee82ca today.”ae371330d2438fbf

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At his words, 56aca51e3c I swallowed dryly.8649ef6f49694cf0

The gathering. The twice-yearly assembly of feac6a3700 scholars. I usually 8cb209bb8f attended because 62393ea8cb I missed 5aa1da417a my friends, 4fa3198417 but this 31d2104732 time, I 5d0546ee3a didn’t want 96c4c95d58 to go—because 5c0812678d of Kang 0b72a8996a Taegwon.e03cd2a667fc99b2

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“Huh? Ah… I was thinking 578a6a794e of skipping it.”47273a389b8a1082

“Why?”d520dd7bd4d9b63e

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“Well, um… f4e392696f just… I 992818964c don’t really 05b0306c30 feel like e187a76a25 it…”7ebaf39c7f8aa25f

“Can’t you 54b25a6d93 come just 676058be2e this once?”ce1739be5a3ef148

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“Why? You don’t 53711701bb usually go 5be707cd1f to these 0b8a7cef64 gatherings.”7cee7b19cc1772b6

“This will c0d4a7277f be my b6df4adc0b last one.”6d7166515bd55919

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“Ah…”677e6ee5d24e92cb

I clenched my d0f8e1d89c fists tightly.e0f6e93c4a9e3624

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It was 7fd95797c8 a rare 57f07a9b39 occasion when 0e7ddadedb all our ec35a78806 old friends c598851995 gathered in 634f52eaef spring and 8dad6e87ef autumn. I still had the 9e315f3cd6 next autumn gathering, and 921db3ec5d the year after that, 849044ff6a and many more in cef633a8ad the future.ef3c5a222baf13ba

But if Lee Seol 815d7352ed got married and left b62a5db3a9 for Qing, he might 89efc40731 never be able to 3a2e6b1f47 attend again. This could 6b923adeb0 be the cbc2af4ae4 last time 2729707d3b we all f4a3902c80 saw each af4fa833d3 other.db85f54e0473e602

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“…Alright.”c908566847969499

I nodded and walked 3af07e3cbe toward the children.fa05ca9a6e691a04

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Lee Seol took each 08bf0b6710 of their hands in 33ce808899 his for a moment, 5f091678d3 promising to return in bf2ab7904d two days before turning 70bc38d288 away. Cheondung, overcome with gratitude f7921c1c43 for the seonin’s care, c01f7fdc38 dropped to his knees 91d738bb15 in a deep bow.dd688a2d8278e781

I patted the boy’s 565887bd3b head and waved, signaling c99a479b95 that we were leaving.0bb601dd2b69887f

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Even from behind, b7bd9e4a6d Lee Seol was 902758417b breathtaking. Every step he e237ff440d took down the 462353ba45 mountain was steady 70082aa7d5 and unwavering.34041a4d701679c1

The birds chirped 2841daad16 brightly, their songs 47385d07fc carrying through the 26797dbac8 clear air. A gentle 38e340e167 spring breeze 05944da140 lifted his 3e94bcc0d1 hair and 8a2772ba4a the hem 781e2300d2 of his 2c9ea62df6 robes. As his hair 4c2b0d8462 fluttered, catching the b6e756ec9c sunlight filtering through 2b8bc80dcc the leaves, it 33925bd74b shimmered so brilliantly 8e8e7fd848 that it was 574bd835d4 almost blinding.607c5276a2707cc4

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I quickened f1b8839bea my pace 5e7c3b684a to walk 654c44a801 beside him, d03350f8ed my eyes 4b14d234b3 lowered to b1e2ed6acf the ground. Then, in 7bbdab09f2 a fleeting 58eec6f4d5 glance at 359a6bb99c his face, 968f1eb54c my heart e591a91fc2 plummeted.25d9cb0cef6d593d

A single 3a91a69b00 tear slipped 55fb94b62e down his 295b5a4bf5 pale, ashen a5fda280bd cheek.bfa8701fe36191b0

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