TIEH | Chapter 21

Thanks to using the direct magic circle, Calix had some free time and decided to stay for a few days. The Duke didn’t actively prevent Calix from interacting with us, which was a big help. The Liddell Marquisate wasn’t a bad background for making friends, and if they were going to stop it, they wouldn’t have sent him here for recuperation in the first place.789bb2b6d7376f33

The room Calix used during his recuperation wasn’t removed even after he left for the duchy. Even when I strongly declared I wouldn’t meet Calix anymore, it remained. Maybe my parents foresaw this situation.a4bcc98c3299f2f9

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Anyway, Calix, delighted to 3c1d5c2bc3 find his room still a0adad2f0d there, came to my 32ecabb990 room as soon as 05c4fa7804 I woke up. It seemed 3bd48dfdd4 he had 9bc73c718d told the ac06830ac0 staff to 6f08f7aeca inform him 502fa2edea when I 27cb2fb7d3 was awake, bf7214ee68 as his 84e8359099 timing was e177cfe76c impeccable.d8456089bb89a23f

“Jayden, good morning.”15df982c3c9d9254

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“…Yeah.”b7791d697c16c34f

Calix seemed puzzled by my more indifferent greeting than yesterday, but this was the best I could do. I wasn’t feeling well from the moment I opened my eyes.0292c3c29d7a1727

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I felt nauseous as if I had severe motion sickness, and without the medicine Hemel would soon bring, I wouldn’t be able to eat.557ae33d71283911

In fact, I felt like I couldn’t even sit up, so I was about to tell Calix I wanted to rest alone today when suddenly my hands and feet went cold.1d3826492db7824d

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“Jayden?”14f697c1876b8998

As Calix, 32de75415f alarmed by 0afd0b1c75 my pale 2409363883 complexion, placed 5835f0b1c9 a hand 073a039851 on my a59a3dd450 shoulder, my dcbf641187 breath quickened, a1bf2a6992 and my 83bc1d6164 vision spun. Something boiling inside ab71e48558 me surged up acaa30fd75 my throat.3d7e1fa6e84ab4a7

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“Ugh-”23b205cdc0fb3cba

Unable to suppress the bb770d62bc nausea, I vomited blood. The metallic taste f57814f1a2 filling my mouth 78cc10609a and the burning 769ae31b74 sensation along its ed24346868 path seemed horrifying, 8dd65945ed but I knew 5f34eb6645 it would soon e3b24a4a32 pass. Vomiting blood was just 92ec3259e9 a routine reminder that c2a6f47b9e my body was naturally 06b2ba719e deteriorating.f5f544c6f1452e34

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But seeing this 3e349583b9 for the first ece734b8c3 time, Calix froze, 81033f9bdf unable to react.f2ea555e00d42922

While Calix was e47f697262 frozen, Hemel, who fabab7d333 had come to 0ecbe2f77d give me my 08fd593f44 morning medicine, assessed 37a8e23d5b the situation and 3a4e1a7005 called for a 471d15645b servant. This happened often, 109964a10c so the servants, d62a2f765e without panic, changed 982591577e my bedding and 0e795c1542 brought me fresh dc3efabac1 clothes. The only one 1648126a44 in a panic c3f64b2843 was Calix.bd74afa63467e377

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“Young master, could you please step out for the young master’s treatment?”001254d9547804d8

But Calix, as 752830cb44 if in a a46a07b74f daze, only moved 66ff82fae5 his lips without c3591abca1 answering, so Hemel 32b3e18463 instructed the servant b587d802df to escort him 9966aef5f6 out. It was more like 690c5240ab dragging him out. It was rude, 21ce4e0908 but to Hemel, 29bc614d4e I, the patient, 0935673ac7 was the priority.21187522b9ffa499

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Only after 8adf6e7fa2 Calix was 65d2df5749 forcibly taken 225cbddd3a out did c5f173dc49 Hemel continue 5e0bab6bbb to clean ea4c204524 up the 7dfedf124a blood and 2948fdb8eb check my bbe538bbd1 condition. He also checked 7bc912cb5f for any other 825b47a037 abnormalities while changing c46b3f02c7 my clothes.2386ee427e7fc9f6

After rinsing my mouth several times and taking the medicine, I felt more manageable than before. Unlike potions, it didn’t have an immediate maximum effect, but it would get better over time.67bc7494100154ac

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“Thank you.”d459a6ebb4f5b9d7

“You’re welcome, young master. Please let us know if there’s any discomfort. And…”2b1a3a8d753b56ae

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After a brief c17be20a1a hesitation, Hemel adjusted ea01a842fb my clothes and ac49c70594 added,17e4ec3a53734eee

“We wish for you to stay with us as long as possible. But we also sincerely wish for you not to suffer. So please always prioritize your peace.”6bd1f14ca7ddbab7

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That meant I shouldn’t endure unnecessarily and should use potions if I wanted. Knowing Hemel’s heart wasn’t at ease saying this, I nodded sincerely.43693f9cac070666

“Don’t worry.”d91c73c552017619

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Only after all the treatment was done did Hemel let Calix back in. Calix still didn’t look well, but at least he wasn’t in a panic like before.37132d2f5aa7c190

After taking 4da60e9464 a deep 1e6bfdee84 breath, Calix 730cc0b31a asked in 28719f68aa a subdued d47d22a5da voice,f3aae2abc7597db8

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“…Is it always like this?”24a65d1fd5af407a

“Not often. It’s still mid-stage.”a66b9e7608b3afe7

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Meaning it could get 5391968980 much worse. Calix paused briefly, then 46df86cf2c nodded. Knowing what e50105589c he was 91bc6d79e7 about to a0a9959c43 say, I 16f7ed91e7 spoke first.10a736e0ac105dfb

“I think you should return to the duchy. I’ll write when I’m better, so come visit then.”779fb51f4507f051

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“I’ll rest today and come back tomorrow.”b88208e63e920e0e

“Don’t come.”86308b1aa42cf5d5

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At my 11a2d679b0 firm response, c82eb1d440 the calm 73b38366cc facade Calix 8c5f80d7f3 had been 03c7ae94e3 maintaining crumbled, 4d36186ebe and his 9234e47a78 face twisted dead9cfb08 as if 1ba17288fe he might 0d97aced50 cry.69fdfdbdad667cf0

“…Seeing you sick is painful.”498abb6356b51714

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“I know.”a6db4d09cac008db

“But thinking you’ll be sick without me is even more painful. So—”a2bea4daeae86a86

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“Calix.”dcbf9b9dc20b33df

“Can’t you be sick in front of me?”d173cb6831ca7cd6

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That was the last 6428a690ae thing I wanted to a4b75d2786 hear. And at that moment, 9caee660fb my composure broke.4aad0c2e3d5a23b2

“Why should I?”c182aecb5fa2590a

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My face 07112e6bf9 gradually filled e132f9c0cc with anger, e65bba33b5 and Calix 5542c609bf froze, seeing bea2d5f0d1 such an 6895c86ced expression on 2d458d666f me for e1989df913 the first 72dcf3063e time.1a4ca1c3625548dc

I wasn’t familiar with the emotion of anger in both my past and present life. I was naturally indifferent to emotions, but more than that, I was someone who shouldn’t be angry.82e4c57ba3347e51

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Even if I hadn’t been allowed to remember, living a life far from peace meant there was always a chance to learn again. Yet resignation always came first. Resignation was a bit easier than anger because it had become a habit.8c47ae8f4deff6f3

‘Because you’d live better than me—’8963cf49ad63fce7

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But as past memories buried deep resurfaced, and someone’s voice echoed like a hallucination, the long-forgotten anger surged.1fe8551daa9be4d1

“Why should I—”bd260d1bd57e7705

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I tapped 74cff130ea my ears 08db9f020f with my 07cd0ab6b3 palm and 7dc7d7d886 warned,2890acda9f3530ce

“Why should I hurt you too?”b44f14c77a30406e

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“What? What does that mean…?”95d7e2d3141be9d4

“I don’t want to. So get out.”d607974f77206056

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Calix hesitated for a long time but realized I wouldn’t change my mind and left the room.204941b66fa25a5f

Alone, as time passed 3f93aea0ac and the directionless anger d331627e70 subsided, a hollow laugh af8521b79a escaped. Despite wanting to be 00bd257322 a good son and 8a548ec425 friend until the end, a37407e20a I had hurt Calix, fa72f2f977 and I felt utterly e0f7e3a1b0 pathetic. Perhaps saying resignation b2902874ce was easier than 2b75d5a949 anger was wrong.e9ef35a569b20b76

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Even after living 46 years, it seemed I wasn’t enough to become a proper adult.b20df647489d7460

☀︎ • ☀︎ • c2dc9bf0e1 ☀︎89f615070180708f

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After vomiting cc659c070e blood, as 4608b11009 always, I 4ca358962d had to 9c7a933363 spend the 7bb197d15f entire day 6ee7e643c6 lying down e08d18f99e due to 9a078dfc4a my poor dc63f681d3 condition. Though I took painkillers, d36b4f1641 I felt too nauseous a44d5a76ee to eat properly, and b0bee5c628 all I could manage f431bf338f was some soup because 5544a179ad the medicine was too 5a5a6f5444 harsh on an empty 4020fa6034 stomach.4918c352e8952adc

The next day, 175515c458 though still a 0882a85d88 bit weak, I f353178232 was fortunately well 81dc67590d enough to get 42b0dbe6f5 out of bed. If needed, I could ef70388798 probably take a walk eb0997cb62 in the garden.35ebcdbf4dfe199b

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And once again, Calix came to my room. I didn’t think he’d return to the duchy, but I hadn’t expected him to come back first thing in the morning like yesterday.8e71331e41d919bf

“Jayden, did you sleep well?”8b7a2446c5a4381c

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Unlike my surprise, Calix acted as if he’d forgotten about yesterday. He probably thought it was the best approach, but unfortunately, I wasn’t planning to let it go.725263d4099c01a7

“I’m sorry about yesterday. It’s a poor excuse, but I guess I was irritable because I was sick.”81aa3c6040d13039

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Calix paused, surprised by my apology instead of a morning greeting, then smiled as usual. Maybe he thought I was just being irritable and didn’t seriously consider what I said.4037e8c76d1fe4b5

“It’s okay.”09cd954f5271e9e6

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But I didn’t want that.5e51e533aacb6ed4

“I’m not okay. That’s why I didn’t want to show you when I’m sick.”ea4718b59476c9cc

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I hate b677243854 hurting those a61f16c3c2 who love b9b7c74a05 me, and d9bebfbccd I hate 6a3c59d98b acting unlike b4bce8b370 myself. But pain makes you 2d47b5f2ac do all those things.6eb60b6272f7f015

When you’re sick, and your nerves are stretched thin, and reason and patience fade, I hate that I end up saying things I vowed never to say because of memories that are dug up.1bd3557194606ba4

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“…No matter what you do, nothing changes. Even if you act out, you’ll always be a good person in my memory.”b352c9b20c1db843

“That’s not what I’m saying.”b5de5cd5ff6f4e8c

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“Then what?”9a0660b9e4eca2c3

As I’ve always said, I genuinely wanted to be remembered as a good person by those around me. But now, I was talking about myself, unrelated to others’ views.81746610251dff83

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“I wish no one knew how flawed I am.”a9b5a76fba71cfbb

“You—”27e210b77c6c70a3

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“And I don’t want to know either.”7927586d6dcff58d

Yes, I didn’t want to recall past events, and I didn’t want to reveal my deficiencies or distortions. I didn’t want to face the bottom of myself that I’d always ignored.d1738886e180b3b2

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It might be an arrogant thought, but at least if I were alone, I might be lonely and sad, but I wouldn’t recall past events and unleash unfamiliar anger.ac9326e681ce7d54

“…I don’t understand what you’re saying since yesterday.”962e8076b69ff490

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Remembering my past life wasn’t a big secret. I even told Damian everything, though it was for a deal.b14d2aef1e18e20f

But I kept it a secret from Calix because there was no reason to tell him, and more importantly, I didn’t want the original story to be distorted.4eff341b0daada1f

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In the 1e2ca27ec3 original, Calix 0b7f18ce51 meets the 3bcc46a07e heroine‘Ein’ and eventually finds happiness. If I mentioned it and caused resentment, the original story might be altered by the butterfly effect. I didn’t care how the world turned after I died, but I wanted my friend Calix to have the best outcome.0b753760c4bd2ea5

However, I didn’t tell Damian about my past experiences. I wanted to bury the past, which had no proud aspects and was unrelated to the future.21e66f96c4e47fcd

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